My wife had an affair years ago and I still struggle with it every day. She says nothing happened but I heard phone calls bdtween them and she met him and stayed out one night until early morning. I needed to know exactly what happened and she couldn't remember where they went and says they only talked. I want to know everything even if it hurts more. I feel that she has kept their affair just between them because she always wants to hold on to those memories. Our marriage has become a marriage of three. What should I do? Am I wrong for wanting to know what they did? I feel if she tells me then in some way it will make it less significant to her. She says she just loves me but as long as they have their secrets then he will always be in our lives.

No, you don't need to know and you are just not letting go, getting to know all of the facts will not help you get over it one bit, And if this was years ago, you need to go get counseling to get over it properly, draging it back is not how you do it, Most likely she has put it in the past.
She most likely thinks you are a jerk at this point by your bringing it up again and again, most likely drilling her for answers.

You either leave her or let it go.

I don't think you are wrong for wanting to know the details. What I am having difficulty with is why she didn't tell you everything when you found out. It's in the open then. I don't know why she would have reservation about telling you everything. I mean, it couldn't make the situation any worse, right?
I know the affair will probably always be in the back of your mind. That's to be expected. There is something important you are not thinking about here though. When you decided to forgive and work it out that's the point where you were supposed to put it behind you. Though it will always be there, like I said. It still needs to be put behind you. It's the only way you can move forward. You shouldn't remind her of it or question her about it. It's been years. She was sorry and promised not to do it again, and you believed her. Otherwise you wouldn't still be with her, right? If she truly is sorry then she doesn't want to be reminded of her greatest transgression. You are only hurting things by continuing to ask. If you don't learn to trust her again then it will never work for you.. or her really. I mean, you can stay in the marriage just to be there, but it wouldn't be a true marriage would it? You don't want that do you? I'm sure she doesn't either. I know it must be hard. I haven't been there and honestly don't think I could forgive as I assume you have. Look at it like this.. she was in the wrong.. no one is denying it. But YOU chose to forgive her and stay in the marriage. Therefore you have to do what is absolutely necessary to move on and that is to forgive and forget in a sense. Though you will never forget, you can in essence and that is by not letting it consume your thoughts. If you can't do that, then you should re-examine staying in the marriage. It may be hard or you may hate that it will be that way, but you don't want to be unhappy for the rest of your life do you? Your going to hurt either way if you can't let it go. You obviously love her a whole lot and don't want to lose her, but if you stay you will hurt everyday with the thoughts. At least if you leave, after the pain, you will have a chance at happiness with someone else. If you're a Christian I would suggest praying for God to help you forgive. God doesn't like divorce and hopes it never happens, but knows it will. Your situation is stated in the Bible where divorce is mentioned. Deuteronomy 24:1 "When a man hath taken a wife, and married her, and it come to pass that she find no favour in his eyes, because he hath found some uncleanness in her: then let him write her a bill of divorcement, and give it in her hand, and send her out of his house."
Your wife's uncleanness being adultry here.
It is obvious to me that you want to continue to be with her, and I hope you can forgive and put it behind you, so that you can have what you want.. a happy marriage again. Just remember that it is the only way it will work and that you both can move forward. You can't keep bringing it up.
I wish you the best and hope it works out for you, Tara

I think the least your wife could do is to let you in on the truth. Since she has broken your trust it would be wise of her to try her best to restore that. You seem worried that she's going to do it again, is she willing to work on your marriage? Are you? Did you forgave her already? Sometimes letting go of things that hurts you is a very wise thing to do :)

Where I can agree with your wanting to know everything about this affair, the time for that has past, and now your only dredging up the past and refeeling the pain. Time to finally put this to rest, and maybe with some help you can.

Where I can agree with your wanting to know everything about this affair, the time for that has past, and now your only dredging up the past and refeeling the pain. Time to finally put this to rest, and maybe with some help you can.

I guess what I am trying to tell unfaithful wife is get it all out now and don't hold back anything. Every detail is important and if he believes that she has shared everything with him then he will be able to either let it go or let her go. Give him that choice. The reason I stayed is because of two young children. They were mine and I wasn't going to let another man raise them. I don't regret what I did even if later my wife financially destroyed us by spending money we didn't have. She seemed to want to destroy our home even if she is a good Mother. She used sex to punish me when we were younger turning her back to me for weeks at a time. I was a very decent looking guy as she was a beautiful woman. She has changed now and tells me she loves me but I guess I was so devistated I can't trust anyone or thing. I don't enjoy thinking about what happened but it still is with me everyday of my life, always wondering if where we go or things we do are things they did. No one knows how horrible the hurt is after an affair especially when you saved yourselves for each other only. There is simply no reason for cheating, and reasons like not paying attention to someone or feels neglected make me sick to hear. If you love someone you won't do it. Leave them if you no longer care. Don't take away their family and themselves respect. You have nothing left inside but failure!!

Let it rest. There may have been something missing in your marriage at the time. The tone of your post suggests that you might be insecure. You might need counseling to get over it.

A new found friend uses "providers" to help his marriage. He effectively says it cheaper than marriage counseling and it's effective. He gets "it" when he wants it even though he gets plenty at home.

I think that you have the right to know, and there should never under any circumstances be secrets held while in a relationship. You have the right to demand to know, and if she will not tell you, then she should understand why you don't trust her.

You took her back and you should have dealt with all of that then. She told what she did and you took her back. If you didn't believe her you should have dealt with it then. If you ignored it, it's wrong to bring it up now. I suggest you two do some counseling, or you go yourself so that you can deal with these feelings you're having.

Let it rest. There may have been something missing in your marriage at the time. The tone of your post suggests that you might be insecure. You might need counseling to get over it.

A new found friend uses "providers" to help his marriage. He effectively says it cheaper than marriage counseling and it's effective. He gets "it" when he wants it even though he gets plenty at home.


You're certainly correct about my insecurity. I took her back because of my children and because I thought I could put this all behind me. The only thing missing from my marriage at that time was faithfulness. I treated my wife very good and worked hard to take care of my family. I came from a great family with great parents who taught me about loving my wife. Her family was totally different, she was raised by her Grandmother because no one wanted her. I was the only stability she ever had and she chose to throw that away too. I guess I'm not asking for advice but just want to warn anyone who might be considering an affair to please weight all the options. Try separation first, not being unfaithful. If you see that you can live without your mate then end the marriage. The outcome will be much easier for both of you to deal with. We went to counseling after this happened and I thought I could forget about it but the night time dreams won't go away and I fight daily to deal with it. I would do anything to make things OK and I haven't brought it up to her in years and don't plan to do so. I will stay with my wife for as long as I live because I never stopped loving her.

Then you need to get some counseling on your own to help you deal with this or it will destroy your marriage. You will begin to resent your wife and as much as you say you love her, you will treat her differently.
I feel for you that you are going through this, but if you are going o stay with her and forgive her, get some counseling.

Affairs and using "providers" can be very different. With "providers" it's purely a service and there is no emotional attachment. Affairs may be "affairs" or "friends with benefits". Note the difference.

Leidenschaftlich für Wahr disagrees: I don't think you really have the right to be telling people how to fix their marital problems when you're in the middle of causing one

What is that supposed to mean? I have not caused anything. He came here with the question.

If you don't put it behind you, YOU will ruin your marriage.

The time to be angry with her was THEN, and if you're still angry now, it's YOUR problem, not hers.

You don't want details--you want justification, you want there to be some reason you can understand for her unfaithfulness. Guess what? There probably isn't one. She probably doesn't fully understand why she cheated either.

YOU need to get some counseling. If this happened years ago, and you said you forgave her at the time--it's not her problem, it's yours.

Yes, we all know cheating is bad. ALL dishonest in a marriage is bad--including the dishonesty that you've forgiven her when you obviously haven't. YOU are the one bringing someone else into your marriage--though she was initially, it's not HER holding on to it.

What is that supposed to mean? I have not caused anything. He came here with the question.


I had already written her a message privately, but I would like to state that my comment to her was a mistake. I thought that she was someone who had posted a statement about her cheating on her husband, when she had only replied to that other woman. I got the screen names mixed up, and I apologize

Personally, I would be hurt just with the knowledge that my lady broke our vows. I believe I would be entitled to know why she felt the need to do such a thing, I would not want the sordid little details because they do not matter at that point in time.

My suggestion is to take some time and write down your feelings (I think us guys have feelings but I'm not real sure) and why.

Then sit your lady down and ask her to work with you on your list. Stress to her that this is real important to both you and her. The problems between you and her have to be resolved by you and her.

This happened years ago. He said he forgave her and took her back. If he wanted more, he should have done all of this back then.
Now he is having problems, they are his problems. He needs to get help in dealing with them.

Who better to help ? His wife who caused the problems. And yes I agree with you, these are his worries and she should be more than willing to stat why it will never occur again.

Who better to help ? His wife who caused the problems. And yes I agree with you, these are his worries and she should be more than willing to stat why it will never occur again.


I'm sure she HAS. You can only repeat reassurances so many times before it starts to get old, and starts to cause resentment and anger.

If it happened years ago, the problem is now HIS. Especially if she has done nothing in the years between to cause him to distrust her again.

With cheating, you either hash it out, be angry at the time, forgive EACH OTHER, and move on, or your relationship fails.

Who better to help ? His wife who caused the problems. And yes I agree with you, these are his worries and she should be more than willing to stat why it will never occur again.
Again, this happened years ago. It hasn't happened again, he is just having problems, so he needs to get help to deal with them.
You don't forgive someone for something and then years down the road dig it up and rehash it.

OK, there's forgivness which he gave. And then there's forget- Is not ever going to happen. Whether real or imagined, this fellow is still obsessing over the initial act.

What I'm saying, is that he has the obligation to work on his problems. I do not dispute that in the least. However, there is no reason why he can't say to his wife, "Please listen to me I need our help and advice because ....."

If he can't talk to his lady in safety and seek advise why are they married still?"

I get what you're saying, donf, but look at it this way.

If you lied to your wife JUST ONCE and said you were going to the office and went golfing instead of to your mother-in-law's birthday party (yes, I know this is a somewhat ridiculous comparison, but lying is lying, right?), would you want to hear about it after thinking you mended the problem with her YEARS ago? And would you want her bringing it up EVERY time you said you said you were going to the office, years later, every other day? You only did it ONCE, and you thought you worked it out with her. Wouldn't you reach a point where you just didn't want to talk about it anymore?

It sounds like she's been patient, and has tried to work this out with him, but there is a point where he's obsessing, and nothing she can say will make anything better for him.

He needs to see someone qualified to deal with it, WITH his wife, if possible, but YEARS later is NOT the time to make HER deal with it again. That is just being obsessive and holding a grudge.

Picking at old wounds, will not let them heal, and can cause infections. Your wife can only do so much, and when she falls short, a professional is needed.

I know this is an old post, but I'm sure for "husband" it seems like yesterday. This is such a part of an affair that I remember and never knew existed... The what happened? And what was said? Torment. In the end it never helps knowing, you end up not believing it and assuming it was worse. Ya get the images in your head. But you should know the facts in order to deal with them. Conundrum... You have to be sane in the head 1000 percent to allow yourself to really accept the actions and the painful thoughts without therapy. I am not that sane, I tried therapy but she restarted her affair during that. My therapist told her to open up and no secrets, Really if I knew all it wouldn't matter today, we still would never have made it. Trust was the foundation we had, with out a foundation eventually "collapse." I hope thing are going better for you.

Greg,
Thanks for your late response to my question. I've received a lot of advice from other members but none that was as meaningful as yours. You know exactly where I've been from your own experiences and your comments are very real to me. My wife and I are still together after all these years and I still love her very much. Even though I never bring it up to her it is always there and I deal with it myself daily and she never knows. I still have images of them together and still feel the need to know exactly what happened between them. The reason for me is different from others. It would make their relationship seem less meaningful to her if she were willing to say I regret what I did and this happened but I want to forget about it forever. Instead it's always going to be just between them. I know I can't change what happened and know she hasn't had anything else to do with him so I know I have to forget the past and enjoy our futere life together. Again thanks and my very best to you.

My husband had an affair. It almost killed me. When I found out and it was still going on - I felt as if they were laughing at me.
When I confronted him and when I knew it was over - I needed details. Where they would meet, how far it went - everything. I NEEDED to know. Yes, it hurt to hear. But, I didn't want any secrets left.
My husband didn't want to tell me. I didn't give him much of a choice. I needed the honesty.
I can understand you wanting to know. With so much time passed, she may feel that is is finally behind you. Does she know it is not?
Do you think 100% disclosure will truly help and be the ONLY way for you to finally move on? If the answer is yes, then you owe it to yourself to be honest with your wife on how you have been feeling.

May I ask... How many years are we talking about?

I agree that the wife here has dealt with the problem when it was originally forced on her.

What I am saying is that he needs to explain to his wife that he is dealing with obsesions and that he knows that they are unreasonable.

Would you agree with me that until these panic attacks are under control or eliminated the wound will fester and eventually rupture?

My wife had an affair years ago and I still struggle with it every day. She says nothing happened but I heard phone calls bdtween them and she met him and stayed out one night until early morning. I needed to know exactly what happened and she couldn't remember where they went and says they only talked. I want to know everything even if it hurts more. I feel that she has kept their affair just between them because she always wants to hold on to those memories. Our marriage has become a marriage of three. What should I do? Am I wrong for wanting to know what they did? I feel if she tells me then in some way it will make it less significant to her. She says she just loves me but as long as they have their secrets then he will always be in our lives.

Why are you staying in this dishonest relationship?

Now,
I appreciate your response. The thing that makes this so difficult is the length of time it has been. I begged my wife to tell me what I needed to know when this happened but she refused. I spent months asking for answers but I soon realized the only choice I had was go on and try and forget the best way I could. We had young children then and I wasn't going to let this man take my sons away from me. They were mine to love and raise and I did whatever it took to keep them. People say after all this time of 21 years I should forget about it and not bring it up again. I know I can't bring it back up so I am willing to live with it for the rest of my life. I never mention it even when we are upset with each other. I am only saying I needed to know things then but never had the chance so I could deal with them. It's too late for me to get my answers and I plan to go on with my marriage and continue to love my wife. I know I can't stop the things in my mind from coming back but I can try to deal with them. Staying together after an affair can be more painful than breaking up. It's so hard to be with someone you loved and trusted with all your heart and finding out they didn't love you the same way. After I found out she never spoke to him again so I never understood why she would chance our marriage for someone she could let go of so easily. There is a lot to deal with, no one unless you've been there knows. My best to you!

Now,
I appreciate your response. The thing that makes this so difficult is the length of time it has been. I begged my wife to tell me what I needed to know when this happened but she refused. I spent months asking for answers but I soon realized the only choice I had was go on and try and forget the best way I could. We had young children then and I wasn't going to let this man take my sons away from me. They were mine to love and raise and I did whatever it took to keep them. People say after all this time of 21 years I should forget about it and not bring it up again. I know I can't bring it back up so I am willing to live with it for the rest of my life. I never mention it even when we are upset with each other. I am only saying I needed to know things then but never had the chance so I could deal with them. It's too late for me to get my answers and I plan to go on with my marriage and continue to love my wife. I know I can't stop the things in my mind from coming back but I can try to deal with them. Staying together after an affair can be more painful than breaking up. It's so hard to be with someone you loved and trusted with all your heart and finding out they didn't love you the same way. After I found out she never spoke to him again so I never understood why she would chance our marriage for someone she could let go of so easily. There is a lot to deal with, no one unless you've been there knows. My best to you!

I still don't understand why you are staying in a dishonest relationship?

An affair is so painful. Sometimes I think forgiving is the easy part - it's the forgetting that can take a long time. It hasn't been that long for me, but I still have nightmares of it happening again. When I think of the other woman, I fume. Somedays it feels like it just happened. Those feelings take time to go away.
Maybe because you didn't get full disclosure you feel like there is still something there. I don't know. But after 21 years, I would guess that your wife has moved on. She probably never thinks of this. You are giving too much power to your memories and insecurites. She may not of told you not because she wants to hold on to a memory, but she doesn't want to add any more pain to what she has already caused.
My husband realized just how much he hurt me when he walked in on me balled up in a corner crying uncontrollably. He had never seen me that way. Even though it was because of a situation he created - it was like a wake up call for him. (if that makes any sense)
I would agree with many of the posts - counseling would do a lot of good for you. I would say just do individual - but it can help you deal with these feelings that have festered all these years.

I agree with Nowwhat but want to add
You need to figure out how to put it all behind you until she gives you reason to believe she is up to her old ways.
As long as you hang on to it it will be a problem. She isn't going to tell you
And what if she did?
It might be harder because then you would have the mental images of WHAT she told you she DID to deal with on top of just knowing they were up to no good. So in the long run it would only complicate things. Accept the fact that she has been faithful since then and she still wants YOU.

My wife had an affair years ago and I still struggle with it every day. She says nothing happened but I heard phone calls bdtween them and she met him and stayed out one night until early morning. I needed to know exactly what happened and she couldn't remember where they went and says they only talked. I want to know everything even if it hurts more. I feel that she has kept their affair just between them because she always wants to hold on to those memories. Our marriage has become a marriage of three. What should I do? Am I wrong for wanting to know what they did? I feel if she tells me then in some way it will make it less significant to her. She says she just loves me but as long as they have their secrets then he will always be in our lives.
She has betrayed your trust no matter how you look at it. If she has apologized for the betrayal and committed to never making the mistake again and never making contact with the person again, you could accept that and move on. On the other hand, if she is still denying the betrayal, she is still not being honest and you will not be able to move on unless she comes clean.

Thanks so much for all the responses. I have had several comments about marriage counseling. About eight years after my wife's affair she started spending a lot of money. She maxed out several credit cards and had loans from credit companies. I borrowed money to pay them back and she promised she wouldn't do it again. Only three days passed and she started spending again. I didn't find it out until about twelve months later. We were so much in debt with nothing to show for it. I asked her how she spent the money and she told me it was none of my business. Again I was left with no answers. Our teenage sons begged us to work things out so we tried again. Our friends advised us to see a marriage counselor so we did. I really felt good about it and just knew he could help us. I was hoping that privately we could discuss everything and he could help me forget about her affair. The first meeting he saw both of us together and we explained about the spending problem. He assured us he could help restore our marriage. Then he told me something I didn't expect to hear. He said "money was no problem what if she had turned to another man, then you would really have something to worry about". I sat there stunned and when we left I never went back. So I am not really fond of counseling. I wished I had never gone because it made things worse for me. I hope this all makes sense because I certainly don't understand it myself. So much has happened I can't believe we are still together. Thanks!

If it is your money that she expects to pay back her debts then you have every right to know where it went and why. Don't let her get any cards with your name attached to them in any way. She sounds like she is leaving you in the dark and she is not trying to make a workable marriage. I don't think I could put up with it. She is hiding more than meets the eye if she is still pulling anything.