I have been seeing my girlfriend for about a year now. When I met her I had just gotten out of another relationship. I was honest with her and told her to take things slow. She seemed to understand and was really amazing with me. Very loving, sweet and considerate. Five months down the line, she broke up with me saying that she couldn't be in a relationship where she wasn't getting the love she wanted. We kept some contact but not much. Three months after the breakup we started seeing each other again but still on a more casual basis. I started falling in love and decided to try and have a proper relationship with her. At the same time she had a new boss arriving at her work who was very demanding. She works in a very male dominated industry. Even though her colleagues knew she had a boyfriend she kept me in the background cause she felt that a girl in a relationship in a male dominated industry doesn't have much chance in having a career. She always proclaimed that she didn't want to be seen just as a pretty face at work but wanted to be respected as a professional as well. She worked 15 hour days and when she would come home she would still be stressed about work. Things were not going very well and when I asked her about it she said that she felt that she didn't have time to do the things she wanted to do and because she couldn't blame her job (she loves her job) she was blaming me. I realised that she needed some space to do her things so I gave it to her. She would go out with her friends but if I didn't call to see how she was doing she would get upset. She said that when she is at work she doesn't miss me and takes me for granted. Three weeks ago she asked for a break so she can miss me and try to figure out why she feels this way. She also said that she doesn't want to break up and that she just wants to miss me. I said OK but two days later I texted her saying that it wasn't fair on me and that I couldn't do it any more. Since then she contacted me once to say that she misses me and loves me and that no one has ever loved her like I did. She also took on counseling to help her figure out her feelings. Two weeks ago I called to ask for some money she owed me (as I went on a gadget shopping frenzy) and during that conversation she said that she can't make any compromises in her life right now, that she loves me with all her heart but maybe its just bad timing. I respect that and I asked her not to contact me again. Its been too weeks now and I ve been finding it extremely hard not having her in my life (we were living together). Sometimes the pain its just too much... Any ideas on how to ease the pain? I always make sure that I have people around me and that Im never alone. But I can't seem to get her off my mind.

Find some one else, See most of us find it easier to find someone else to mend our broken heart. I can't seem to be alone either{HENCE MY TITLE} Even if the person doesn't mean anything but at least you'll have someone there. I think you need to take some time to get to know your self{as do I} and from now on take things slow. Your gir has a lot going on in her life and you need to leave her alone so that she can miss you. Make her come to you. I know that it is hard and you feel alone but don't sit at home and wait for her. Good Luck

Thanks a lot Triste for your answer. I know I have a lot of work to do as far as knowing myself. I always want a girl around to make me feel special and that I'm the first thing they think about when they wake up and the last before they go to bed. It would be so much easier if she came back to me, then I wouldn't have to go through this horrible "withdrawal syndrome". But I guess life doesn't seem to teach us anything the easy way. My last three relationships ended the same way. It was always that they thought I was too available. I was giving them the world without them having to break a sweat. As Wildcat would say:"a girl should always be part of your life, not all your life". I knew that when I started going out with this girl. For some reason though I couldn't apply it in my relationship. I got so overwelmed by my emotions that I stopped thinking. A woman always likes a challenge and after three hard learned lessons I realise that now. I don't get it though. When you ask a woman what she wants from her relationship she would tell you that she wants someone who takes cares of her, loves her and treats her like a princess (at least that was what my xgf said). When you finally do that women change their mind and say that they need more of a challenge. Balancing these two things seems impossible to me!!

I have been seeing my girlfriend for about a year now. When I met her I had just gotten out of another relationship. I was honest with her and told her to take things slow. She seemed to understand and was really amazing with me. Very loving, sweet and considerate. Five months down the line, she broke up with me saying that she couldn't be in a relationship where she wasn't getting the love she wanted. We kept some contact but not much. Three months after the breakup we started seeing each other again but still on a more casual basis. I started falling in love and decided to try and have a proper relationship with her. At the same time she had a new boss arriving at her work who was very demanding. She works in a very male dominated industry. Even though her colleagues knew she had a boyfriend she kept me in the background cause she felt that a girl in a relationship in a male dominated industry doesn't have much chance in having a career. She always proclaimed that she didn't want to be seen just as a pretty face at work but wanted to be respected as a professional as well. The fact is though that she was dressing quite sexy to go to work and she always sought the attention of her male colleagues. She worked 15 hour days and when she would come home she would still be stressed about work. Things were not going very well and when I asked her about it she said that she felt that she didn't have time to do the things she wanted to do and because she couldn't blame her job (she loves her job) she was blaming me. I realised that she needed some space to do her thing so I gave it to her. She would go out with her friends but if I didn't call to see how she was doing she would get upset. She said that when she is at work she doesn't miss me and takes me for granted and that she can't balance her life. Three weeks ago she asked for a break so she can miss me and try to figure out why she feels this way. She also said that she doesn't want to break up and that she just wants to miss me. I said OK but two days later I texted her saying that it wasn't fair on me and that I couldn't do it any more. Three days later she came over to say that she misses me and loves me and that no one has ever loved her like I did and that my positives seem more important to her now. She also took on counseling to help her figure out why she is unhappy since I am everything she ever wanted. She left on a very positive note and asked me to reconsider after the fact that she was now taking counselling to work things out. I called her the next evening to say that I would wait for her but she should work on herself byherself. She agreed and said it would be best this way. Two weeks ago I called to remind her to drop by some things of mine and during that conversation she said that she can't make any compromises in her life right now, that she loves me with all her heart but maybe its just bad timing. She also asked me not to hate her cause she hates her self enough for both of us. I respect that and I asked her not to contact me again. Its been two weeks now and I ve been finding it extremely hard not having her in my life (we were living together the past couple of months). I feel so lonely and the pain is just unbearable. I am very aware of the no contact rule and I haven't tried to contact her since we broke up. Im always around my friends going out and stuff but I still feel so alone and helpless... Please help!

Well there's really nothing more you can do at this point. As long as you put it on the table that you loved her and wanted to be with her then the rest is in her hands. Broken hearts are tough and I would say right now the most important thing is to get yourself recovering. I would agree with the notion that she is still trying to figure her life out, and she may come back around. But I wouldn't hold my breath waiting to find out!

Women are so hard to figure. The trick is be yourself. If that's not good enough then ADIOS! Many of us make the mistake of denying that things have changed, or endure all kinds of dumb crap, trying to make things work. Sometimes we must accept that we just don't fit right with that person at that time. Letting go is the only move we can make and heal so we can move on to better things. The links in my signature are must read for your situation.

Thank you guys for taking the time to read and reply to my post. I completely agree with both your answers. Its just that the loneliness is so unbearable some times and I don't know how to deal with it. I think my friends are getting tired of seeing me miserable all the time so I thought that it would be easier to talk to people that are going through the same thing. Thanks a lot again. Any ideas on why women want different things at the beginning of the relationship and they change their mind along the way?

I think my main problem at present is that finding someone to love and spend the rest of my life with is very important to me. I'm 30 years old, I have a great family,I have a very good job, I bought and furnished my flat, I have good friends who love me, I have my hobbies (I play tennis) and I'm taking evening courses at work so I can get a promotion next year. The only thing missing from this picture is someone to share all these with. When I start a relationship I never go through it thinking:"I should be careful just in case it doesn't work out." I think that's just missing the point of being in a relationship and falling in love. My last two gfs were both 4-5 years younger than me and I believe that this difference put a strain on our relationship as they were both of them quite immature and wanted different things at that stage of their lives. Looking forward to the time when I don't have to hurt any more...

I hear you on that but listen to the following, this will be the single most important thing you will ever read. Don't go through life "looking" for that special someone, you will never EVER find her. If you do you will make all of the mistakes that you made before, you will rush into things and not even know it. You will eventually scare her off too, you will get too anxious. Go through life as a happy person always smiling being yourself, love will find you... trust me on this one. Go out have fun with your friends, make more friends just be yourself. Once you lose that feeling of wanting to find someone, that someone will appear. So be calm and relaxed it all will come to you, just be patient. Take all of your past relationships and learn from them. Everything happens to us for a reason, that reason may not reveal itself now but you will understand why someday.

Make your life happy and someone will want to share it with you. Having said that, Happy people attract other happy people and being miserable runs them off.

You are making a lot of sense. At the moment I find it difficult finding something else in my life to make me happy. It seems I'm only happy when I'm in a relationship. I know it sounds pathetic for my age. I tried changing that many times before but I always end up with the same result. Having to get over someone. I decided to get counselling and hopefully in time I will become a happier person without that special someone in my life.

The weird part is that just reading your posts about how happy people attract other happy people made me feel much more positive about life. I guess the point of it all is that if you are trully happy with yourself it doesn't matter if you don't find that special someone. You will still be happy even if you don't. Thanks!!

The only thing more painful than having the one you love turn their back on you is losing a parent or sibling. Best thing to do is rationalize that its best now than after you have more time invested or heaven forbid you got married.

As painful as it is, you have to put her out of your mind and move one, find another and do other constructive things to distract you. You will find it easier and easier as time goes on and soon you will find someone who really does appreciate you for who you are, unlike her.

Unfortunately smoothy, I have experienced both. I lost my dad to cancer when I was just nine. My mum raised me and my sister all by herself. She sent us to private schools and to uni and she did it all on a single salary. This fact alone made me respect women a lot and I don't want to lose that respect.

Keep expectations realistic, especially in the beginning, as our emotions sometimes blinds us into getting carried away much to fast. Slow is the way to go, and keep the emotions under control. Decisions are much better when made from clear facts, and not entirely from the heart. Just my opinion.

Hi miou30
I tend to agree with what the others are saying. Just be yourself and the right one will come along. Trying to be someone your not to please someone else will always fail eventually. If it's not meant to be best to find out early. It's always hard losing someone we think will be our soul mate but if its meant to be it will. There is also nothing wrong with being a happy single remember that. I wish you luck.

I agree with all the posts below. You can't rush into things. You will never find that "special someone" while looking. In fact, one of the most special things about finding that person is that it happens when you least expect it. You can't be happy with yourself if you don't love yourself, and if you don't love yourself, you can never truly be loved. If you don't think you are worthy of your love, then you would never truly believe that someone you cared for would be worthy. Take time to be yourself, become secure in yourself. Like you yourself said, if you are happy with yourself, then you know you will be happy with or without someone else.

Last night I felt so strong and happy. After two weeks of NC I replied to a letter she sent to me 5 days ago asking me not to hate her and that she hates herself enough for both of us. I texted her saying that I don't hate her and I realise that we have different priorities in life right now and who knows, some years down the line we may meet again and nobody knows what will happen then. Take care of yourself. She replied, thanking me for not hating her and that she still loves me. She thanked me for making such a difference in her life. I left it at that and didn't reply.

Please take it easy on me. I know I should't have done it and I feel really bad about it.
I spent the whole night crying and feeling lost. I guess it was the realisation that its really over. Definitely NC from now on cause I really experienced the pain and it wasn't pleasant.

All your replies make sense. I hope with proper help will be able to control my emotions next time and not let myself get carried away in unrealistic expectations.

Unfortunately smoothy, I have experienced both. I lost my dad to cancer when I was just nine. My mum raised me and my sister all by herself. She sent us to private schools and to uni and she did it all on a single salary. This fact alone made me respect women a lot and I don't want to lose that respect.
But this has nothing to do with respect... it has more to do with natural compatibility. If there are issues between you and another you can still respect them as well as disagree with them. You don't have to force them to change or expect yourself to change to suit them.

I've lost my father to cancer as well, Painful when you know its coming months in advance.

I've been though my share of relationships as well, all before the WWW existed and there were not resources like this to talk with others. And being a typical guy we don't talk with our guy friends about this stuff.

I'm willing to admit I've been turned away from more often than I've turned away from the women. And trust me I know the feeling well, and because I do it made it hard when I had to be the one doing it to a woman that obviously was smitten by me but that I didn't share the feelings for.

One thing I've learned is once you did what you could and its clear they don't want you is to accept and respect their choice as you would if you was sitting in their shoes.

I find respecting others opinion is in itself a significant show of respect for yourself as well.

You know coming from a girls perspective, I know how difficult it is to find a man to treat you right. But, there are some women you get that lucky man and they are not ready for that type of relationship, and thereis women like me who are ready and can't find that man! I wish you luck in your journey of happiness, it seems that your are pretty set for yourself maybe if you date a little and get to know yourself more you'll be able to find the right girl! Good luck!

I had my fist counselling session today and I feel better. I feel I will get through this. Your words of encouragement will help me through this. Thank you!!

Find some one else Even if the person doesn't mean anything but at least you'll have someone there.
Rebound relationships are never a good idea as they rarely work out and are unfair to the poor, hapless other person who has no idea that they're just a rebound.

You're going in the right direction. You need to stay away from her, even though it's hard. If she calls you, don't respond right away, if at all and keep it very short but sweet. You do need to let her miss you and you need to convey the message that, if she wants to spend time with you, she's going to have to make it and fight for it. The more she has to pursue you, the more valuable you'll be to her.

You are right as far as rebound relationships are concerned. I made that mistake a couple of times before and I ended up heart every time.

I WANT to stay away from her!! I contacted her 3 days ago just to say that I don't hate her and to tell her to take care and I still have the aftertaste in my mouth. Yeach!! It was so painful.

Thanks for the advice! It seems that this is the only thing I can do at the moment. But to be honest I think I'm one of the unlucky (or lucky) guys whose ex has already moved on and won't ever be coming back.

Its so "unfair" though... you give so much into a relationship and then you find out that its not good enough.

I hasn't been east today. I feel like its all my fault that it didn't work out. Feeling guilty and inadequate. Why are relationships so complicated? Why are women so complicated?

I hasn't been east today. I feel like its all my fault that it didnt work out. Feeling guilty and inadequate. Why are relationships so complicated? Why are women so complicated?


I wish I knew that answer because I feel the same way.

Believe it or not, feeling the way you do, is part of the process, normal and natural. It will pass. Don't give in to the doubt, work thru it by being busy doing things you like.

Believe it or not, feeling the way you do, is part of the process, normal and natural. It will pass. Don't give in to the doubt, work thru it by being busy doing things you like.


Lately I haven't even felt like doing anything, things I usually like doing such as working out or playing some video games. Its like I really don't feel like doing anything anymore. How long before this feeling starts to fade?

It seems like I really can't get her off my mind. I keep wondering what she is doing, if she is thinking about me or even if she suffering as much as I do. The feeling of not being accepted by another brings out all your insecurities. It feels like Im fifteen again. No confidence whatsoever!! I try to keep busy but no matter what I do she is still on my mind. So I tell myself keep looking forward! But I keep wondering about the past. I think the realisation that its really over is overwhelming. Someone once told me that the biggest mistake people make is trying to control the relationship. A relationship is the outcome of the mixture two people's feelings and needs. You can control your feelings and needs (sometimes you can't even do that) but you can't control your partner's. People change, feelings change, needs change. I guess Im having difficulty accepting that. Having said that, how much of a control freak does that make me :o)

Lately i havent even felt like doing anything, things i usually like doing such as working out or playing some video games. Its like i really dont feel like doing anything anymore. How long before this feeling starts to fade?
How long you wallow in self pity, and allow yourself to be depressed, is entirely up to you. When you get sick and tired, of being sick and tired, you will get busy and work through it. The key word being work. Read the sticky links in my signature.

People change, feelings change, needs change. I guess Im having difficulty accepting that. Having said that, how much of a control freak does that make me :o)
Knowing, is half the battle, to knowing what to change about you.

Hey trust me on this. In time it gets easy peasy. Give it some time and keep busy. The more contacting you do the worse it will get. Try and change your life around and learn from your experience. Do things you wouldn't have done, like trying new sports, new social events, travelling, anythning to get you away from your 'routine'.

I know that the more contact you have the more it hurts. If you read my previous posts you will see that I have already learned my lesson. I felt we were breaking up all over again. Man that was tough. Never again!! My mistake was that I made her the centre of my world. She was my world. Now I'm trying to slowly rebuild my life and learn my lessons. Some times its prety hard though. The thought that I can get on this site and get moral support gives me the strength to keep on moving forward. Thank you guys!!

Hey people. I'm afraid I'm going to need your help again. Im feeling very weak and miss her terribly. I need someone to remind me that its going to be OK and that I don't really need her. Its so lonely after a break up. Im constantly around people and I'm constantly feeling lonely. Its so hard sometimes to accept that the one you love the most doesn't want to be with you. Please I would appreciate some words of encouragement. Im feeling really down today. Its been a month now. Some days Im doing better but today its been I nightmare...

Im in the same boat as you buddy. Its been a month of NC for me, and its been the hardest month I've been through. Just know that you are healing and one day you will feel great. The one thing that I'm changing and you should maybe look at too, is that 'she' shouldn't have been the one you loved the most it should have been yourself. I think that once you love yourself, its not so bad to be alone for a while. Plus no one can take that away from you.

Congrats on making it a month, treat yourself to something today!

You were fine before you met them! Thing is you don't need anyone else to be happy. Life is good if you make it happen. No one else will.

Thank you guys!! I went out today and I had a great time. I was still comparing most of the girls in the club to her in my mind but it wasn't so bad. I really can't wait for the day when I am completely over her. I'm tired of hurting. Its exhausting. Good luck to you guys. It seems that you are doing a good job with NC. Hope it works out!!

By Andy Rooney from CBS

"60 Minutes". This is for all you girls 40 years and over... and for those who are turning 40, and for those who are scared of moving into their 50's... AND 60's... and for guys who are scared of girls over 40!! Andy Rooney says: As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why: A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting. A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, What she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 40 give a hoot what you might think about her or what she's doing. Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. A woman over 40 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 40 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. They always know. A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright redlipstick. This is not true of younger women. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk or if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40 , there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.




Maybe you need to find an older woman who knows who she is and what she wants. 40 might be a little old for you though. Oh and I mean no offence with the pig statement. I didn't say that, Andy Rooney did.

(https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/members/miou30.html)miou30 (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/members/miou30.html) agrees: But when your confidence hits rock bottom is difficult to be happy with yourself.
(https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/members/miou30.html)
Then regaining your confidence is the thing to do.

Personally for me I have to have a mix of fufilling friendships. I have numerous friendship groups. Old friends from old places of work, old friends from my childhood, friends who I do sports with, friends I go partying with. A fufilling job, a good direction of career, learning about the world. Everything helps. Since my breakup I made it my mission to change myself. I did! The person I am now although me has changed. I am more outgoing, I take every oppurtinity, go for things, meet new people and instead of no - I say YES!

Take your breakup as a kick up the to go get life and make it work for you. Go do those things you allways wanted to do. You can be the one that got away. The best revenge is to be happy yourself! Who cares if your ex knows about it or not.

Its been getting a bit easier. I catch myself not thinking about her for maybe half an hour at a time. It is a huge step for me and it does make a difference. Then reality sets in and I realise that we are not together anymore. It hurts. It really hurts. But I will go through it and I will not let it take me down.

The worst time for me is the morning. When I wake up and I realise that she is not next to me anymore. Its like waking up into a nightmare. Anyone else going through the same thing?

I realised that the main thing bothering me now is the fact that she took her love away and doesn't seem to be suffering at all. I guess that's a bit selfish. I realise now that what we had wasn't that great after all. Still I miss her presence at home and the feeling that somebody is thinking about you the minute they wake up and before they go to bed. I'm so eager to work on myself. I realised that my main problem is that I don't love myself. I'm not happy when I'm single. It always feels like something is missing. I'm taking counselling now and hopefully that will point me in the right direction. I so want to be happy withmyself!! Anybody has any ideas? I heard affirmations are a great place to start...

I so want to be happy withmyself!!
It starts with you being happy with who you are. As long as you continue putting others above yourself, you will be miserable. How simple is that to understand?

Hi there y'all! I haven't posted anything for a couple of weeks so here is an update on my situation. Its been six weeks since the break up and 4 weeks since I started NC and it still hurts like hell. I requested that she doesn't contact me again after the break up and that's what she is actually doing. I never heard from her since. Even though it hurts I don't dare contacting her again as the last time I did that (4 weeks ago) it felt like we were braking up all over again. I just felt my heart break once again. I'm taking on all the advise I got from the people on this site i.e taking on new hobbies, taking counselling, keeping myself busy. It still hurts when I do think about her. It seems that every time I think about her I feel that she is enjoying her life without me and I'm here trying to put the pieces together and rebuild my life. I hate feeling like that. She doesn't deserve all this pain I'm going through. My heart goes out to all the people who joined lately and are looking to find ways to deal with the pain. We all know what you are going through. We are still trying to cope ourselves. The pain is overwhelming but hopefully it will feel a bit better a few weeks down the line. Hang in there!! I know I'm not making much sense. I guess I'm feeling really down these past couple of days and looking for somewhere to vent. For those of you who are experiencing extreme feelings of rejection and feel that your ex is so much better than you. Think again!! I have embarked on the most important journey of my life. The journey of learning to love myself and enjoy being with myself. It's a very scary journey but I'm sure it will pay off in the future when I do meet that special someone. Even though I haven't been posting I kept checking how everyone is doing and I was getting encouraged from the great progress most of you are doing. Keep it up!!

Great, this first few months are the hardest, but you've already survived the hardest part, the first month. It will get easier, and it does get progressively easier as time goes on. Key is don't dwell on it. We've all had or will have a hard breakup. Those of us that are older have been through a few. You really do need to go through these because if you don't you won't really be able to tell when you meet the right woman. And Trust me you might think this one was the right one but after you meet a few more you will be glad you moved on. Nothing works better than experience to help you know when you really have the right one. Trust me that I'm glad I never stuck with the first few women I was sure was the one... I would have never met my current wife, and have far less drama and problems than I had with any of them. I've been married 16 years now and would not trade her for any of my previous girlfriends. And yes I dated a LOT of women before. I'm in my mid 40's so you can do the math.

Hi there Smoothy! Nice to hear from you again!! I'm glad things worked out for you in the end. I guess everything does happen for a reason:))))))) Its nice to hear some words of encouragement every once in a while. I have been feeling a bit down lately and its getting very frustrating. I'm so tired of feeling this way... I had my fair share of dating as well. But the last couple of breakups really hurt. Its so bizarre that in your mind you really know what's best for you but the rest of your body is not willing to follow. I made the mistake of putting my ex on a pedestal and now it's a huge struggle getting her back down again. Big mistake! No contact really works though. I think I am getting my sanity back slowly but surely. I have no idea what she is up to and I hope I never find out cause I don't want to hurt anymore. Chery if you are out there I would love to hear your views as well.

Persistence and perseverance are your friends. Stick it out now and reap the benefits later in more than one way.

You have learned a few lessons about women and what to watch for in the future. You have learned a bit more self discipline, and you gained a bit more life experience. Trust me it helps deal with the big losses we will all suffer when our parents pass on.

Painful lessons, yes... but ones that make us better people if we choose to learn from them.

Hi there Smoothy!! Nice to hear from you again!!! I'm glad things worked out for you in the end. I guess everything does happen for a reason:))))))) Its nice to hear some words of encouragement every once in a while. I have been feeling a bit down lately and its getting very frustrating. I'm so tired of feeling this way...I had my fair share of dating as well. But the last couple of breakups really hurt. Its so bizzare that in your mind you really know whats best for you but the rest of your body is not willing to follow. I made the mistake of putting my ex on a pedestal and now its a huge struggle getting her back down again. Big mistake!! No contact really works though. I think I am getting my sanity back slowly but surely. I have no idea what she is upto and I hope I never find out cause I don't want to hurt anymore. Chery if you are out there I would love to hear your views as well.

Hi dear. The reason I have not posted here is because you've received good advice and you've also progressed quite a lot. You've learned to accept the pain, work with it and go on. And yes, it probably still hurts to be 'alone', but you know it's better this way for now. You have weighed the pros and cons of this particular relationship and realized that it was not a bowl of cherries without the pits. We go though pain, anger, denial, and then realization. You have also done that.

I think you are doing well in the healing process and that you should keep up the good work. It will crop up on you now and then, but these 'flashes' will become less and less, and in time, they will be gone.

All of this will help you in the next relationship, and there will be a next time. But this time it will be better. Being alone for a while and liking it enhances your security in who you are and what you really want - and then you will be able to work toward you goal.

Your healing process of two months has been faster than most on this site, and that's a plus for you, so keep up the good work. You might all back now and then, but that's normal because we cannot totally erase our memories. These memories will file themselves in a deeper file in your mind once you start making newer memories of better relationships and better times in your life.

Keep us posted.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZNfox000) It's OK to make a few mistakes, that's human. What's important is that we never give up trying until we get it right.

Chery,
Thank you so much for taking the time to post on my thread. Your posts have such a loving tone. Your comments have really given me strength to carry on the hard work. But sometimes I feel Im not doing any progress at all. No matter how hard I try I can't seem to get her out of my mind. No matter what I do she is always on my mind. I kept the promise I made to myself and have not contacted her for about 5 weeks now. And neither has she. The fact that she just left like that has really hurt me. She disappeared off the face of the earth and haven't seen or heard from her since.

On the one hand its better for me so I don't get hurt again and again and on the other hand my ego is hurting so much as I realise that she has moved on so easily and has forgotten about me. I try so hard to keep her off my mind that when I fall asleep and my subconsious relaxes I keep dreaming about her every night. On the outside I't appears that Im being strong (as I have not contacted her since) but on the inside it seems I am obsessing over her. After a month of NC I can understand now that I fell in love with the potential of what she could have been far as timing is concerned. She was a prety amazing girl and we hit it off immediately. The problem was that she could commit to a serious relationship at the time.

Being alone is not that bad now. I don't miss being with someone but it seems that she is always on my mind. Counselling has helped me rationalise most of my feelings and I am really gratefull for that. And I realise now how important it is to be able to enjoy yourself and be happy with yourself before you even try to be in a relationship.

Thank you again for your advice and I hope I hear from you again!!

And I realise now how important it is to be able to enjoy yourself and be happy with yourself before you even try to be in a relationship.

If you know that, that is enough!!

Ah, yes.. that potential of what she could have been... We all have that in our minds about those we cared for. But the questions is.. are we still on their minds?? Nope.

Why let her still have the upper hand? I'm sure that she does not spend as much time thinking of what you are going through and I think it's time you stopped wasting valuable emotions on her. She for sure is not wasting time thinking of how you feel and how you see her as a person. She's going on with her life and you should take her off that pedestal as soon as possible.

She is not losing sleep or dreaming of you and in time you'll realize that she was not that amazing after all.

She makes mistakes and shrugs them off... how about you trying not to dwell on this yourself and getting on with your progress.

As anyone else will tell you, this takes time, and time is on your side. It's time you enjoy it.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZNfox000)

Had to spread the love, Chery


As anyone else will tell you, this takes time, and time is on your side. It's time you enjoy it.


Words of wisdom!

I guess you are right. I do have all the time in the world. I am so tired of feeling this way, I just want to get it over with, but it doesn't work like that. I feel so exhausted. Today I have a meeting with my counselor so I will be able to vent for an hour or so :)

Yesterday I started a course to get my small airplane license!! This will keep me busy for the next 6-8 months. Can't wait to get up there and fly!!

It doesn't go away just like that. It will take time, but know that it will get better and that you are not alone in feeling this way. You will literally be flying with the birds, so enjoy the time you have and focus on doing the things you have always wanted. You always have people here that will listen and offer some advice/responses.

It's been I really bad day for me. I felt like crap and I kept missing her. I was so close of picking up the phone and calling her but I know that this will make me feel even worse. Its been almost 7 weeks since I started NC and she never tried to contact me once. Its so hard to accept that your ex partner has forgotten all about you while you are going through this nightmare and rollercoaster of emotions. Two months down the line and I still hope that she is still thinking about me and that she misses me and regrets her choice of leaving me. And every day I get a reminder that this is not the case. I'm trying my best to move on but this is a really slow process. I will never offer my soul to anyone ever again. My soul is very precious to just give away so easily. And the pain when the other person rejects it is immense. Trying to find myself and learn to be happy with myself at the moment. This is so difficult to do when you are depressed after a breakup. I really pray to God to help me get through this cause I don't want to hurt like this ever again.

It's been I really bad day for me. I felt like crap and I kept missing her. I was so close of picking up the phone and calling her but I know that this will make me feel even worse. Its been almost 7 weeks since i started NC and she never tried to contact me once. Its so hard to accept that your ex partner has forgotten all about you while you are going through this nightmare and rollercoaster of emotions. Two months down the line and I still hope that she is still thinking about me and that she misses me and regrets her choice of leaving me. And every day I get a reminder that this is not the case. I'm trying my best to move on but this is a really slow process. I will never offer my soul to anyone ever again. My soul is very precious to just give away so easily. And the pain when the other person rejects it is immense. Trying to find myself and learn to be happy with myself at the moment. This is so difficult to do when you are depressed after a breakup. I really pray to God to help me get through this cause I don't want to hurt like this ever again.

You are 7 wees into it. I'm 5 weeks into it, and I know how hard it is. I would have mistaken your post as mine because it describes exactly how I feel. I would not wish this upon my worst enemy. I can't even get her out of my dreams.

From all of the posts, I try to remind myself that, if she can walk away and forget so easily, then that is not the type of person I want to be with. We have to live our lives and have the strength to move on.

We both may feel that we will never offer our soul to anyone again, but I think we both know that isn't the truth. We will find another person, and be a bit more cautious. We have to know that it may not turn out right, but we will give ourselves once again, once we find the right person. And when we do, all of the pain will be worth it.

I'm trying to hang in there, that's all we can do. We have to try. Each day that we make it, it's a victory. Come out of each day, stronger than yesterday. Good luck brother. I'm right there with you in the struggle.

Hey there people!! I'm feeling quite upbeat today so I thought I would post on here just in case I can chear some of you up:) Before you start thinking that my ex came back and that's why I'm chearful, I would like to say that I haven't had contact with my ex for the past nine weeks. I haven't tried to contact her and neither has she. People are right when they say that if your ex wants you back she/he knows where to find you. So if you go NC and they don't bother looking for you, you know that they are really not interested any more. So after nine weeks of NC I realise that its really over and I'm trying to rebuild my life piece by piece.

There is one thing I would like to ask though. The fact that as soon as we broke up I went NC, helped me start the healing process. On the other hand though I feel I haven't had the closure I wanted. As a result I think that deep down I still have a glimmer of hope that she might change her mind sometime down the line. I know that his doesn't make any sense. I would like to get the closure I need but on the other hand I don't want to go back to square one. Any ideas? We haven't spoken to each other during the last two months even though we still respect and care about each other.

I would also like to apologise to all the people out there who are desperate for advice because I haven't been answering any of their questions. I feel that I can't give objective and correct advice if I am on an emotional rollercoaster myself. I hope you all understand. Thanks!!

I am coming in on the tail end of this thread, so I might be going over the same old same old,,

The closure you are looking for might just be in the 5 stages of grief

Stage 1) Denial

Denial is generally the first stage in the grief process. It can be experienced as numbness or avoidance or isolation or direct denial. It is a stage in which we just cannot believe that the loss is true. We may tell ourselves that it did not really happen. It does not seam real.

Stage 2) Anger

Another stage of grief is anger. At this point, we have gotten past some or all of the denial,but now we are angry about the loss. We may want to take it out on something or someone, or we may just express our anger in ways that are familiar to us.

Stage 3) Bargaining


In the bargaining stage,we are trying to come up with ways to get back what we loast or just find something or someone to blame.Common thoughts include"if only I had....."or"I wish we could have...."or "maybe if I do this....."In the case of a lost relationship, we might actually bargain with the person we lost in an effort to get them back."If I change my behavior,will you come back?"

Stage 4 Depression


The depression stage is just as it sounds, a time of sadness. It generally follows denial,anger,and bargaining when we feel helpless to stop the loss. It may include crying,withdraw, or any other way to express sadness.

Stage 5) Acceptance

You are down to the acceptance stage,just my opinion.

"The final stage is acceptance.Most often we have gone through all the above stages and in many cases cycled through the above stages more than once before getting to acceptance.At this stage, we have( to some extent) reorganized ourselves and our thinking to incorporate the loss. This does not mean that we no longer get sad about the loss from time to time, but the sadness is now a part of us and does not keep us from functioning normally most of the time. Over time, the intensity of the sadness generally diminishes, but may never entirely go away."

Armed with the knowledge of these five stages, we can now better understand ourselves and others who are going through the grief process, Recognizing the stages can increase your empathy and support for others and provide permission for yourself to go through the process in your own way and in your own time.


This way from a site shown to me by a professional therapist,written by a professional therapist.

Any more views people? I would appreciate any ideas!!

You may have to accept the fact that you might not get what you need for 'closure'. It could also come in an unexpected way. My ex phoned me 7 weeks into NC and asked a stupid question about her mail, that's it. No hi, how are you etc. It made me realize that she really was cold hearted, and I made the right decision of letting her out of my life (it was one of those, you can't fire me, I quit type breakups if that makes any sense). I would try and not get too hungup on the 'closure' end of it. It may come, it may not. You have gone 9+ weeks on NC and no one here is going to let you break that now.

You'll do just fine dear.

As far as closure... there is a difference between mutual closure and personal closure. Which is it you are 'longing' for. Don't bother looking for answers from her, she is just the person she is, and she might grow and change - she might not, but it's her life and you should be glad you are not accompanying her in any way because it will deter you from your own growth and adventures.

Get on with those flying lessons, meet new people, find newer and better memories to replace the crap she implanted in your 'data bank'. We really all never forget, but we store things that we no longer need to get on with our lives. As a computer technician would say, "repartition and reformat that drive and don't load a lot of crap the next time" Maybe that will stop you from 'crashing' again. But there will always be room for more and newer information.

Get going.. and enjoy as much of your life as you can - it's short enough as it is.


http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_33_13.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZNfox000)We all initially say that we will never want another try for fear of rejection, and that we don't ever want that pain again, but as a human race, we also know that is not the logical thing to do, so go for it Tiger.

When you were a baby, you didn't stop learning how to walk because you fell a few times, or you wouldn't walking now. It's the same with the rest of our lives, just harder things to learn to do and get them down to perfection. You got to keep enjoying the challenge - just like flying..


</IMG>

Sometimes you don't get closure. You just have to accept things at face value. Yeah it makes it harder, but sometimes that's just how it is.

Part of being mature is dealing with things like this. I didn't say it would ever be easy, but it takes a great strength in character to do so.

Thank you Chery, you did it again!!

I would like to share with the rest of you an experience which helped me a lot and I hope that it will help others as well. After ten weeks of NC I decided to contact my ex. She was happy to hear from me after so long and we had a nice chat. What I did realise though made something click inside and everything suddenly made sense. After three months of being apart I realised that nothing has changed on her side of the camp. She still hasn't found herself. She is still confused about what she wants in life. She quit counselling and gym, so all she does now is work. She said that she is happy only when she is at work. She has done nothing to improve herself and she keeps saying that she wants to do this and that but never makes any effort in doing anything. Its like she expects things to happen by some sort of divine intervebtion.

It was a pleasant surpise for me as she was nothing as I imagined. I used to think that she was having so much fun without me in her life and that I was the route of all her unhappiness. But it seems that this is not the case. We are not together anymore and she is still not happy with her life and she decided to escape by working harder so she doesn't have to deal with the real issues that are bothering her.

I guess I'm one of the few lucky people here who managed to get closure by understanding that even if I was the best boyfriend ever she would still be unhappy cause of her issues. I do realise that I have issues as well but it wasn't my issues that drove her away. So now I don't get that weird feeling when I think about her. I don't blame myself anymore for the break up. And I am sure now that the relationship could never had worked whatever I did.

Finally after 3 months, I feel calm and able to move forward. I do have my bad days but now I know its not her I am missing, its who I thought she was.

Hey there guys! I wish a happy new year to everyone on this site. Unfortunately, These past holidays have not been easy on me. After breaking 10 weeks of nc about a month ago and getting hurt all over again, I started nc again for about 4 weeks. That is until the ex started contacting me again. I managed to ignore the first few calls and messages. But then gave in and answered one of her calls.

It got me so upset. I was tired of hearing how wonderful I am and how she had everything with me cause I gave her the world but she is not ready to come back. I didn't even ask her to come back. I was a wreck for about 3-4 days.

So I realised that she is stringing me along and decided to go nc again and that next time she calls or texts will ask her not to contact me again. And as you would expect she texts me again on new year's day. I called her and told her that I don't believe what she says and that if you truly love someone nothing can stop you from being with them. I was weak and didn't manage to ask her not to contact me again. She said that I was right about that and that she would think about it all and call me the next day.

She did call the next day but I didn't answer the phone as I was having dinner so I called back ten minutes later. She didn't answer the phone either. After waiting for about an hour and a half for a callback that never took place I finally found the strength inside me to text her that she should never contact me again and that even if she did decide to come back now, I wouln't have her back. I also said that the person I fell in love with has changed and I don't want to be with this new person. I stressed again that if you truly love someone nothing can stop you from being with them.

My logic tells me that I did the right thing, but then why do I feel like sh*t? Why do I feel so down and depressed? Please help!!

I wish I could tell you that there is an easy way to get over someone you love. I can relate to your story so well. My ex and I split up because of our families. I tried dating others but found myself comparing them to him. I wanted to figure out if it was just simply wanting what I could not have or love. So I took some time to examine my life and what I wanted. I know that in my case it was love, the problem is that I have no way to contact my ex. What is even harder he and I have a child. If I could tell you anything it would be to figure out what is going to make you happy in life and see if she fits into that picture. I will tell you that anything with having in life is worth fighting for.

You are so right! In my case I thought she was worth it so I fought for her for about a year. I tried to be the best noyfriend I could be. But then she left once again. I am a nice guy and I was always there for her. I honestly believe that I am worth fighting for.

Yes its hard to get over someone, and painful. The pain goes away with time, and work on your part. Remember you are worth fighting for and you will find that person after you've healed, and found you love yourself, and are happy with who you are. Be patient, and stick to your guns. It will get better. You handled yourself well through your temporary weakness.