So here I sit at work - browsing the Internet for a definitive answer, but I have come to realize there is no definitive answer to my question.

Here is the background:

All is fine and well in my life - great boyfriend of 4 years, great family and a few great friends (which I have done on purpose). My grandfather is admitted to hospital for a routine surgery, expected to recover and be released the following day - this did not happen. He fell ill and Doctors did not know what was wrong - the stress enveloped the family. I grew anxious and one evening I snapped at my boyfriend when it was not deserved. The next day my boyfriend and I are discussing how he is not ready to be married or own a home. Shock! We had been talking about those topics regularly and nothing had been mentioned until then. I was upset and felt lost. I didn't want to be in a relationship with someone who didn't know if they wanted to be married. But it wasn't over - We spent 4 hours on the phone that night. My eyes swollen from crying - he called three times after we hung up to make sure I was all right. Before he hung up he said "I love you so much and I don't want to lose you. It doesn't have to end now, we can work on things." I was comforted.
The next day I try calling him, texting him etc and he does not reply until 5:30pm. He states that he will be coming to my house to talk. He arrived (this being the next day) - we talked. I stated that its unfair for him to expect me to end something if he is the one that wants it - I honestly didn't expect the following answer - he says "I'm unhappy". So long story short he wanted us to be over - I begged him to give me one month to prove that things will change (During a later conversation he had expressed some issues and concerns, which I admitted were valid concerns). So here we are a week and a half later. I found it VERY hard to give him his space and found myself wanting to tell him about the things I was willing to do. What plagues me is how can someone love you so much, show no signs of a faltering relationship and not even 24hrs later tell you its over - and have to be coerced into "thinking" about things?

Anyway, we decided that we would set a boundary - I was struggling with the fact that I did not know where his head was at and how long it would take him to call. So, from Monday (Sept 17, 07) we decided that he would call sometime next week. So right now, we are not together and I fear that we will never be together again.

I need some help on staying positive and keeping myself stress free until we do talk again. What if he tells me its over? Any advice?

Well, this is not what you want to hear. But ASSUME THAT IT IS OVER. It sounds like the reality of the future is not something you boyfriend is willing to deal with. Usually when someone is confused, or wary, or scared, it is NOT A GOOD SIGN.

There is of course some hope, but be very careful. Honestly, someone does not decide in the span of 24hrs that it is over. They have felt this way for sometime, and have either hoped they would feel differently, or were afraid to deal with the situation.

I think you'll be less stressed if you ASSUME IT'S OVER. That way you don't keep waiting and guessing what he'll do.

And what were the things that he was upset about, i.e. "valid concerns"? I think he is afraid to commit his whole life just yet. And if that's what you want soon or now, you might be barking up the wrong tree.

He just doesn't sound ready and you don't want to stay with someone who is CONFUSED. And KEEP GIVING HIM SPACE. NO CALLS, TEXTS, EMAILS. Nothing. He deosn't exist.

--Cali

To keep things short but logical.

On multiple occasions these concerns were expressed to me:

- When I get home from work I like to get into my PJ's and do nothing. I say nothing because now that I look back on things, the things I said I was "busy" doing weren't significant at all.
- He said I often used a "tone" when speaking to him - my mother has been telling me this for years. Its not what I say its how I say it.
- I act cold and reserved in front of people sometimes - the expression on my face makes me look as if I don't want to be there (in that situation would rather be somewhere else).
- I was not brought up in an affectionate home and find it difficult to express myself physically - I would rather show them with gifts and words.

To address these issues I have made appointments to see a psychologist. I am going for my 2nd session today and plan on going until these issues are resolved.

I can understand that it would be frustrating to re-iterate these issues to someone and not have them listen, but I tried to explain to him that self realization and change is a hard thing to do and accept. I used the analogy of a heart attack patient. He/she may have been told for years that their lifestyle needed to change - its not until after the heart attack that they open their eyes and realize the change needs to occur now. This is what has happened to me - I never realized it until he broke things off. I am trying to change these things, and I know they will... I just can't make sense of his actions. Why "I love you and don't want to lose you, we can work on things" and then 24hrs later its over?

I have not text'd him, called him or sent him any e-mails since our agreement to not talk till he calls next week. Will this space do him any good? Should I hope for the best? How can I stay positive but prepare myself for the end?

I guess what pains me the most is thinking about not being with him - I am unsure how to proceed, and coping methods. It has been so long since I have been without anyone that I am unsure what to do.

I have read many posts by others and My post must be making some of you rack your brains out. It seems like my question is very similar to many out there. One thing I find myself doing that is different then others though is this - I am taking the time to admit my faults and I am seeing someone to help me fix them. If things don't work out with my ex I want to ensure that the things that have caused problems in past relationships (Yes my last one and the one before) are gone and out of my life. I guess this site is merely for me to feel better and vent.

But I do have concerns - I want to have a family and be married. I am 25 and feel as though these past 4 yrs have done nothing but set me back. I have read that it can take up to 3 yrs to be fully over someone - But this totally screws up my timeline now.

Life is a be-atch isn't it. You have a LOT going on in your own life. Take a breath, and give yourself some time to let the emotional dust settle. Your letting the emotions overule real life, and that's not good or healthy for you. You are pushing your own agenda (very selfish at this point) instead of relating, and talking and LISTENING. Slow down a bit and get a little grip with reality. Take care of family businesss first. Then cry on your boyfriends shoulder. Life is only overwhelming if you don't slow down!! Ithink you ned to stop being so hard headed in what you want, and be a lot more understanding to the ones around you.

I have taken care of the family business first - and to be completely clear, I really have tried to focus on my grandfather the most - but under the circumstances it was difficult. My grandfather is now out of hospital and recovering quite well - now I can focus on me, this is why I am becoming overwhelmed with emotion. You say to cry on my boyfriends shoulder later, fact is, I don't have his shoulder to cry on - we are not together.

I don't quite understand how I am being selfish and hard headed. Everything that has been expressed to me is being dealt with. I am not inconsiderate of the ones around me, in fact each day my grandfather was ill, I was there by his side as much as I could - each night between 5-8pm I sat there and talked with him, as those were his visiting hours. I am the one that has chosen to do something about my issues and have sought help - I could have very well not done anything. Instead I am facing them head on. When I get overwhelmed with emotions I do breathing exercises and think positively - I don't know what else I can do..

I suppose I am using this site as an outlet and looking for some conversation - something to peak ideas, help me through the NC stage, which by the way we are on day 3 with TOTAL NC. There were a couple days last week where we did not talk as well, but there was a lapse in my judgment on Sunday and Monday and a few rash e-mails (we all do it at some point I have been told). So responses are welcome - they are comforting and help me better understand things from another persons point of view (Which I sometimes have a hard time seeing unless stated).

Thanks.

Your situation sounds very siilar to mine, and this site does help... I'd say (and it's too easy to say) your NC plan is the best bet, sounds like you're being very logical and sensible with everything, and the questions your raising are so valid in your situation, anyone would feel the same. People often bring blame into a break up when they need to validate their feelings towards someone, and somewhat unnecessarily- it takes two to make a relationship work after all - so don't be too hard on yourself. The counselling will do you the world of good whatever the outcome - you should be very proud of yourself for recognizing that you need to go. I'm going as well and it's hard, but so good.
As for coping methods, I've found that every day doing something FOR YOU that is distracting and calming helps, even if it's only for an hour - it gives your mind and heart a rest. Read a good book or watch a funny DVD - it sounds trite but it just makes the days a bit easier. Set aside that time for a break from it all.
Hope is dangerous, best to just be still at the moment, don't put too much pressure on yourself to feel anything either way. Deal with each day as it comes, no contact gives you the space you need as well remember. Leave him alone, he may come back and he may not but until you feel more at ease you won't be able to give this another go.

I have been reading about your situation and found it to be similar as well - I think most break ups between different individuals seem to be similar. They seem to go through the same motions of ups and downs, highs and lows.

As for him "coming back" we have set a boundary from our last discussion. We both agreed that a timeline to sit down and talk was most appropriate. He stated that he would call me at some point next week to discuss things. My therapist has instilled in me that focusing on the negatives can be catastrophic right now and being positive is the best thing to do. She tried to express that there are two situations to every story and that being the worst that could happen (Us not getting back together) and the best (Us getting back together) - she also reminded me that there is everything in between there as well. SO this is what I am trying to remember each time my emotions start to run. Right now, I just find it comforting to read and have responses about the situation.

One thing that has not been answered is - how can someone say "I Love you so much and don't want to lose you" and not even 24hrs later end things - this is what confuses me.

On a side note, why are people viewing my question but not commenting?

Yeah it is good, it's helpful to read other's perspectives on stuff.

The fact he said he'd call to discuss things is good - it shows he recognises the need to talk things through, which is a great start I think. My ex only ever wants to talk about TV and the weather at the moment... so frustrating.

Have you thought about asking him to go to counselling with you? Just a thought...

Its funny - I did. When we first broke things off I told him I wanted 1 month to prove to him that things would be different - this is when he told me he would think about things (Almost 2 weeks ago). During one of conversations last week I asked him to go to counselling with me - the typical "I'll think about it." However; IF we do get back together I will be requesting that he come to one of my sessions.

Its funny, during our conversation on Monday we had some good chit chat - some and mostly none of if was about our relationship. He said that he just snapped and got mad and wants to make sure his feelings are true. But... When I needed someone to talk to about my grandfather, he was there and called - this is what confuses me. I KNOW he still cares and cannot, not love me - I mean, we were together 4 years. Maybe I am just blind to reality...

What your going through is a tough thing to handle. You doing good so far, above all else... NO CONTACT it will drastically help you heal. You need to forget about him for now, he is confused. You will fall into that trap of confusion... it sounds like you have some family issues. Spend time with them to help you stop thinking about him. Another big thing to STOP doing... don't wonder if he is missing you, if you two may get back together, this time is for YOU! As for your timeline... don't worry about that, it will all come to you. Be patient, you may be trying to rush or force this relationship subconsciously due to your strong desire to be settled down.

This place is great to vent, and learn... there are many, many people here that can guide you... good luck!

Thanks for your reply - I don't believe I am forcing things due to wanting to be settled down. Through my counseling I have come to realize that me "settling" down was a feeling induced by MANY others around me getting married - I felt like it was something I HAD to do, and soon. After going through all of this I definitely feel I was jumping the gun - I should be able to handle emotional situations if I am going to be married.

My family issues were my grandfather being ill - those issues are no longer "issues" per say. My time was consumed by his illness - now I am overwhelmed.

Everyone's timeline is different... that is what makes everyone of the billions of people on this planet unique. Don't feel you have to do something because everyone else around you is doing it or it is what "society wants"... its all about you and when you are ready. You will know... it will come to you... be patient.

One thing that I have learned about family... they are always there for you no matter what. Lean on them a little bit to relieve yourself somewhat. I'm sure that they see you being overwhelmed and are just waiting for you to lean on them a bit. All will be fine... take it day by day, one step at a time...

I was afraid to lean on them during the time my grandfather was in the hospital - I felt like they didn't need the added stress and neither did my grandfather. He didn't need to be worrying about me. My mom has voiced that my ex's timing was bad and that the family didn't need the added stress...

Why is no one responding to my topic?

One thing that has not been answered is - how can someone say "I Love you so much and don't want to lose you" and not even 24hrs later end things - this is what confuses me.

On a side note, why are people viewing my question but not commenting?

Hi farfrmnormal, That seems to be one of the most asked questions on the site. My ex told me he couldn't ever imagine his life without me and even made love to me the day before he left me for another woman. He seemed so genuine and loving I would've never guessed he was planning to leave me. I still 2 months later go over and over that day in my head trying to see if their were any signs he wasn't being honest but I can't find any.

I get these feelings of nervousness sometimes throughout the day - almost as if he is going to call and then doesn't. I don't know...

Any new comments?

Did you live with your boyfriend?

No, we never lived together, however; we do have some mutual possessions that we acquired when we had planned to move in together.

Right now, this proverb is what gets me through the day:

"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was. We do not possess anything in this world, least of all other people. We only imagine that we do. Our friends, our lovers, our spouses, even our children are not ours; they belong only to themselves. Possessive and controlling friendships and relationships can be as harmful as neglect."

On a side note I am on day 4 of NC - I am curious, should I be the one to break the silence and say I can't wait any longer and move on or should I wait until the date we set for next week to talk?

In my opinion... you are doing GREAT! Don't beat up yourself or consume your whole day thinking about him (I know it's hard). Find some shopping or other activities to keep you busy. If a man were to tell me that he doesn't want to lose me and then turns around and says its over... that would mean another woman. It sounds like he wants his cake, milk and another snack too.(I hope not in your situation). We, here at AMHD, ARE your shoulder to cry on. We may even offer a tissue for you :)
I would say... just leave him alone... keep up with the NC. If you try to contact it may push him away more, but if you keep up the NC it may make him realize what he's missing.

Good luck to you! And remember... we are here for you 24hrs a day... :)

With regards to "another woman" he didn't really have time to meet anyone. Right up until the night before we broke up, he was always with me. The only thing that it could possibly be is he has made a new encounter with a female online who is encouraging this break up - saying "You don't need her" or "You can do better then her" etc. But I don't want to think about that right now - thing is, its VERY uncharacteristic for him to not be calling.

So Should I take the upper hand and end things? Or wait till our talk?

Here is my 2 cents.

You both have completely different "goals" for this relationship. You want marriage and a home and a family and he does not. So you have to decide if you want to wait around for him to decide he wants those things and understand that he may decide that he wants those things BUT not with you

As for your question on how someone could decide so quickly to end a relationship... well you are only seeing the result. In my experience when people want to break up they are unhappy for a loooooong time before they actually end it. They want to see if it will get better or be sure that its really the relationship itself that is making them unhappy. I guarantee that your boyfriend has been unhappy for at least a month if not longer. When people want to break up they are good at hiding their misery.

If you stay in this relationship I think that you are going to become frustrated and angry because you are not "on your timeline". You will begin to lash out at him because he does not want to get married just yet and your relationship will become a powder keg. Or you will become so angry and frustrated that you end up inadvertently bullying him into marrying you.

I feel that the timeline you have is wasteful. Why do you want to get married so young? 25 is REALLY young. You have your entire life ahead of you why rush into now? You are going to grow and change so much over the next few years that you will not even recognize yourself when you're on the verge of 30 believe me. I think you are putting undue pressure on yourself to live out the perfect life plan. Life doesn't work that way. Things happen wrenches get thrown into the cogs of our life. Everything cannot be planned and calculated. Who wants to live a life like that anyway? Part of the joy of life is living in the moment and riding the waves when they come.

FFN

Agree with Glinda's second paragraph.

In your posts , you mention you snapped at him, though he did not deserve it, your mother mentioned your tone or way of saying things, and your therapist said to be positive. Perhaps the root of things is the way you communicate with him.

There's a book by Gary Chapman, I think, on the languages of love.
From what I remember on words
Kindness, requets, encouragement
Not judgement, criticism, or demands
And tone and body language are just as important.

I've had my share of screwups, no one is perfect. I don't mean for this to come off harsh, best of luck.




Grace and Peace

I appreciate your comments - as for my "timeline" did I not mention in a later post that after speaking with my therapist and going through all of this I have realize marriage was something I wanted because everyone else was doing it and I felt like I was being left out by being the last one to get married? So yes, the timeline I had was useless - but he now knows that I am not ready, so I hope that he could feel comfortable in himself with the fact that neither of us are ready. I don't feel that I will lash out at him if things do work out, simply because I have realized a lot of things about myself in the last two weeks that I would never have, had the break up not occurred. You mentioned he may want to be married, but not with me - On the Sunday before we broke up, he said he wanted to be married to me - he just didn't know when.

Right now I feel lost because Even though we spent a lot of time apart during our relationship, I knew he was still there. Now, its as if I am sitting on the fence not knowing where his head is at - whether he wants to be with me or not. He said he wanted to think about things - I get that and respect it, hence me not contacting him since our discussion to have NC for two weeks. His Facebook still has pictures of us both on there (one even says "One day the tux will be for our wedding") and he treated me like a queen up until the day of the breakup. He is not on my Facebook, but on my moms - I requested him as a friend and he would not re-add me. Its just not adding up for me - this is unlike him to not contact me for as long as it has been. Before, he was the one contacting me 10 or more times a day, where I was the one saying I felt ambushed with all of the phone calls - now, it has been two weeks and he doesn't even show the desire to see me. He was always a VERY emotional person, and now he seems cold and reserved - almost as if something has TOLD him to act the way he is.

As for my tone and body language - this was not a regular occurrence as everyone can have both every once and a while. But on that note, I am working with my therapist to improve body language and to think before I speak. I did respect him, just as much as he respected me - and respected in the past tense. As for my communication with him, it was done in the best way I knew how. He was always the type to walk away from the problems rather then deal with them head on. Whenever we would have a discussion and he didn't like what he was hearing he would walk away and never deal with things. So my communication was done in a way I was sure he would listen - but now that I look back, perhaps he was not and he was not respecting my difficulties?

But my question still remains - do I let him have his space, and wait till he calls OR do I take the upper hand and end things for good?

If you feel that you are done with this then I would end the relationship. However to do so simply to gain the upper hand is silly. Regardless of who breaks up with who YOU are still the one who did not expect it so therefore you will suffer the most emotional and you still will bear that pain. There is no upper hand here.

As for him saying he wants to marry you honestly it is meaningless. I've had no less then 6 girlfriends be in relationships where a guy has said that he plans on marrying her one day and they break up and an engagement never happens. Its easy to say its hard to follow through.

You have to stop focusing on the past and everything that he said before. Too often in these situations women or men will pull out everything romantic or loving their partner said and say well here it shows that he really did love me or need me and this is what they mean. No it is what they meant. Peoples feelings can change. In my last serious relationship my boyfriend and I talked about getting married all the time and how we could see being married to one another etc. When we broke up he said to me "I could see you as my wife and I know it would work but I can't be with you anymore". So saying you want to marry someone does not always mean its going to happen.

You are hanging on to insignificant things such as pictures on Facebook which mean nothing. My cousin dumped her boyfriend and there are still pictures of him on her myspace and Facebook yet she has no feelings for him. Its small it's a straw its substantial proof of how he truly feels.

I get what you are saying - I don't want to be hanging on to straws. I am not doing anything drastic by contacting him, leaving him notes on his windshield or anything of the like - right now I am giving him his space. I have learned a lot of the past two weeks about myself. The things I need to work on to make "me" a better person. Right now I need to focus on me, but am finding it hard. I suppose in a way it's a blessing not having friends around for a "shoulder to cry on" that way I am not getting false responses like "Oh how dare he" and "He's an ". On the other hand I wish there were - I have been leaning on my mom for a lot of help.

As for the upper hand - I suppose I should have worded things differently. I don't want the upper hand per say, I just don't want to look like the fool who waited for him to tell me it was finally over - as I fear this is what he might say next week.

My therapist says focus on the positives just as much as the negatives - OK, he could want to continue the relationship, but he could also want out - how do I prepare for both?

Give him the space he says he needs. Meanwhile spend time catching up with those "great friends" you mention in your post. Keep in mind that, any potential spouse, if they're wise, will carefully observe how they respond to stressful situations, i.e. your grandfather's illness. While I am sorry for your grandfather, as I'm sure he is too, your "snapping at him undeserved" may have made him reconsider the whole thing. I know I would if I were in his shoes. Did you ever apologize to him and maybe try to make it up to him somehow? I think he needs reassurance that you're not going to snap and go off the deep end every time something stressful happens. If your life is really as rosy as your thread suggests, then I'd think that you'd be able to handle stress in a constructive manner.

IMO I believe in preparing for the worst. While it can be negative I feel that it prepares you for it to go either way. That way if he comes back and says Sorry its over you are ready and if he says I love you lets work it out then you will be happy. I think that you have to evaluate both situations. How would you feel if he said lets keep this going. What would you need from him in order to feel secure that this wouldn't happen again? Do you really, honestly, truly want to continue with the relationship. As for him not coming back I would evaluate how it would make you feel and imagine the steps you would need to take in order to pick yourself up and move forward. I guess the idea is to have plan either way.

As for not looking the fool - love makes fools of us all. It sometimes feels as if there is no escape from that. My question to you is what does your gut say. Ignore the head and the heart what does your women's intuition really tell you. I can tell you when the guy who I mentioned before broke up with me I felt it coming. All of a sudden one day I was obsessed with the thought of ending it with him and I talked myself out of it as did all my girlfriends. Then a few weeks later I got that charming sentiment from him. So what does your little voice tell you?

Also - do you think that you are going to be able to fully work on yourself while in a relationship? Not just with him but with anyone?

I have read many posts by others and My post must be making some of you rack your brains out. It seems like my question is very similar to many out there. One thing I find myself doing that is different then others though is this - I am taking the time to admit my faults and I am seeing someone to help me fix them. If things don't work out with my ex I want to ensure that the things that have caused problems in past relationships (Yes my last one and the one before) are gone and out of my life. I guess this site is merely for me to feel better and vent.

But I do have concerns - I want to have a family and be married. I am 25 and feel as though these past 4 yrs have done nothing but set me back. I have read that it can take up to 3 yrs to be fully over someone - But this totally screws up my timeline now.
Fret not. I didn't get married until I was almost 35. Now, 9 years later I have a wife, a home and 2 beautiful daughters to show for it. Be patient and take your time ; you won't regret it.

Also - do you think that you are going to be able to fully work on yourself while in a relationship? Not just with him but with anyone?

I do believe that I will be able to work on myself - I am seeking help for that and to be honest, the help is too expensive not to do something about it. A relationship is give and take and I find I am able to express myself more in a relationship because it opens up more avenues for me. I have learned a lot about the roots of my problems and some of them cannot be fixed unless I am surrounded by those who I am forced to open up to and show my emotions.

I am not worried about finding a mate that I will marry - I just THOUGHT I had a timeline, which I now know through this whole experience that my timeline was useless.

I had never been through many stressful situations in my life - dealing with my grandfather was probably the first time I had ever been faced with the possibility of a loved one dying. My mom was stressed and was angry with me - he walked in during a heated argument and that's when I was rude to him. I did apologize for it and have made it VERY clear that I am doing all that I can to be a better person - not just for him, but for me as well. Hence the therapy.

As for hanging out with the "great friends" some are mutual and I have decided to not "hang" out with them as I know I will be tempted to ask them for information and I don't feel its fair to put that on them. The others, are long time friends and live out of town, spending time with them is not that easy. So now I search for new things to do, to occupy my thoughts.

As for my gut - I didn't have a gut feeling before he said he wanted time to think - right now I don't feel like I am prepared to end it - but wonder if it would be easier.

I am not expecting him to see me as miraculously changed overnight - I just wanted to prove to him over the course of 1 month that things in me have changed.

Wow. I'm sorry for what you are going through. I see so much of my own situation in yours, except you seem to be in the earlier stages of what I went through.

I promise you that no contact is the best thing. If you have properly told him that you do love him, and for this reason you are going to move on and let him go, then you've done enough. Say it once and say it cleanly/clearly, and then move on.

Don't say things like, “I will wait for the rest of my life,” or “I can't live without you” or “no one else will be you” or anything that may prolong his returning to you because you've secured him into thinking that you really are NOTHING without him.

You have to be strong, independent, and show that you are mature; these are all the things that are attractive in a woman. Someone who has a mature love is far more attractive to a lover than someone who has a childish schoolgirl fantasy they cry for. You have to show that you are something worthwhile (and this is only showing the truth). You can tell him, as someone advised to me, that you cannot be friends because you truly loved him, thus it is difficult for you to lessen what you feel. But tell him that in time, when you are ready, maybe you can be friends again. Let him know the love is there, but also let him know (without saying directly) that the love will not sit there locked in a tower for him.

During this waiting game, you seriously have to move on. You never grow if you stick around in the past. You never ever grow when you are holding on. You have to move forward, because that is the only place to go. This means your job is to improve instead of wasting time getting unhealthy or obsessed. Please go to the gym, please focus on work, please save your money so you can buy that dream home, please read and become smarter, and please have a wonderful social life! Do everything it takes to shine brighter. This will only boost your confidence up again (and you need to bring it up because it's down in the gutter right now). This will also make mutual friends tell him only positive things about you. Be careful to not say anything negative or even feel negative when you are around people he knows (or people in general). Be positive and I promise that things will turn out better than you had planned. I swear they will; because either you will get him or you will get something that you could not even dream up yourself.

In a way, I think, this breakup is your curse and blessing at the same time. I think it'll only improve your quality as a person because it's giving you time alone to work on you…

You know to be honest - I have realized this because every time I think about it I cry. I am not a social person, and when I was my friends were here with me. Now, that they have moved on with their lives and moved to different cities we don't hang out - so I find it very hard to meet people. If I had someone to occupy my time this NC time may be easier.

You know to be honest - I have realized this because every time I think about it I cry. I am not a social person, and when I was my friends were here with me. Now, that they have moved on with their lives and moved to different cities we don't hang out - so I find it very hard to meet people. If I had someone to occupy my time this NC time may be easier.

Do you have any hobbies or anything that you've wanted to pick up? After my last breakup I went ballistic with new hobbies. I learned and picked up so many different things. You will meet loads of people just trying something new. I took classes and would end up going out for coffee or a drink with people after class and it was fun and it made me feel good.

I am looking into taking some kick boxing classes - that may lead to more things. I live in a fairly small city that caters to the elderly lol - But kick boxing is first on my agenda. My hockey season starts in about a month or so.

Well there you go! That's at least a start. I personally believe the less down time you have the better during situations like this.

Anyone who you're friendly with at work who you might be able to go get dinner with or grab an afterwork drink or a weekend cup of coffee?

I wish I could say there were - I recently started a new job. The part that sucks about it is that is isolates me from the general public (I used to work retail) and now I work a desk job. I have my own office and rarely have contact with other people at my work. I suppose I don't know them well enough. Tonight I am hoping to meet with some friends to occupy my time. Its just getting through until we have the chance to talk again is all I need.

You also have all of us to talk to anytime you need it. There is pretty much always someone around on these boards.

Its still a new job it takes time. I know it took quite a few months at my last job for people to warm up to me and start inviting me out after work. Do you have a breakroom? I know in most places in the morning the breakroom is jam packed full of everyone and people usually chat.

You know, I am glad for this forum - and up until today my thread had few replies. I'd love to be able to chat more with you all who have helped me through this tough time.

As big as my company is everyone scatters at break time. I think I am probably one of the youngest working there as well - most others are much older then I, and we don't share much in common.

Hi Farfromnormal.

I've read both of your threads and I'm unsure which to reply on but as this gives the full story I guess ill reply here.

I see a confused man and someone not ready for the next step.

I went through something similar last year when my ex freaked out after he proposed.

Like your situation he changed from one week from wanting to marry me and be with me forever to 'i want to be alone, I'm not sure if I love you or you are my best friend'
Then he came back and told me he was not sure and he needed time to think and needed to be independent and that all would be fine that we would be together after.

It was a very confusing time , I gave him space and we would see each other every 2-3 weeks(his inititation)This went on for 5 months.One night we slept together and then he got distant again.
I found this website last year and I had a talk with him. He said he was confused for 5 months and that he wanted to be friends.
He jumped into a new relationship right after that.

Since then I've read an amazing book. 'hes scared, she's scared' and it explains this whole type of situation. I really thought I was reading about my relationship when I read that book.

Like the title of your post, these situations make no sense.

In your other post you said he now wants to work on the relationship? Is he going to get counselling? What age is he? How have his previous relationships been? Has he always ran ? Has he incorporated distance into your relationship on occasions?

Here's some insight into the situation - After a failed attempt to hang out last night I met with him personally to discuss some things and here is the outcome. I told him that our relationship is toxic and until our issues are resolved nothing is going to have a good outcome. I told him that he has personal issues that need to be dealt with and to do that he is going to have to talk to a professional about them (He has frustrations surrounding our relationship that he feels like he can't get past). So we are going NC again and I personally believe that this is the only way he can heal and I can move on.

I cannot say RIGHT NOW that if he were to come back in a month and say "Hey, I love you lets make this work" that I would not jump at the opportunity - I Love Him and I know he loves me, just right now his frustrations are masking any feeling he may have and to fully understand himself and what he wants he needs to seek help (which he admitted he needed to do during our conversation last night). But what I can say is that I am moving on, with or without him I need to live for me.

As for him wanting to work on the relationship - he did say this and he said it again last night, but he also did say that things cannot be worked out right now because what we are going through individually is toxic. He is going to get counseling (At least he told me he was) - he is 26. He has only had one other serious relationship and she left him because he gained a lot of weight, however; I feel that the root of his insecurities are due to a divorce and a berating father who beat him down verbally as a teenager and adult (This is when he was living with his father for the first time in 12 years, for college). He has always ran from problems - as for incorporating distance, no he has not - I was the one that needed time/space.

This sounds really positive, well done for being so brave about it.

Did he hint that he wanted to try again at some point then?

I really hope things work out for the best for both of you. :)

Good for you farfrmnormal..

You have been really really strong and done the best thing possible.

Right now you both need to work on your issues.

You seem very mature for your age.

Basically through our conversation last night he said he wanted nothing more then to fix our relationship - but that cannot be done until he figures out how to get past his frustrations surrounding the relationship - right now those frustrations are plaguing him and he is unable to become in touch with his true feelings.

I am 25 - have been through two serious relationships. One from the age of 18-21 - this one was toxic because he treated me like crap. The next 21-25 he treated me like a queen and I didn't know how to handle it - in fact I didn't respond at all sometimes. A lot of my issues stem from passed down traits and a divorce when I was young - but I know what my issues are and how I can fix them. I think NC was so hard for me the first time because I had so much left to say to him - so much to tell him about the changes I was making. This time, everything is out on the table - he knows how I feel and what I am doing about the problems. He may think the ball is in his court, but really, I am the one taking control of my life - because right now that's what's most important for me to heal and to be happy again. If I don't, and things don't work out for K and I, I will be plagued just like him.

Yeah abandoment from when we are young does cause a lot of damage in relationships... I lost a parent when I was young as well.

<but I know what my issues are and how I can fix them.>

Fantastic..

Everything happens for a reason... keep that in mind... maybe this relationship was for that reason.

Keep us updated with your progress.

That is my belief whether things between us work out or not - what doesn't kill us makes us stronger right? If he's not the one, then there is someone better out there for me. I'll keep you all posted.

<what doesn't kill us makes us stronger right?>

Dead right.
I came to the same conclusion.

Does one know how someone might get over their frustrations? I know you are going to say time, but is there something they should be doing to let go?

Everyone does it in their own ways. I suppose it depends upon what the frustrations are. Sometimes time cannot even fix certain frustrations. The person also has to really want to be rid of those frustrations.

The reason I ask is because he says he wants to be rid of them but doesn't know how. I wasn't going to try and help him with that, I just thought I might better understand the process. Perhaps the counselor will be able to help him with that.

I would imagine that a therapist could help.

Some people are able to work out issues on their own but sometimes others do the need the help of a professional.

All you can do now is just be patient. I know its hard but I'm sure you know from your counseling experiences that everyone "breaks" at a different speed. I think what you need to decide is how long you are willing to wait for him to get over these frustrations.

My personal feeling is a month - when I took a "break" in our relationship in the past I took a month to figure my stuff out. If he contacts me before that, great - but I feel personally for myself that he will need to know after a month whether his frustrations can be dealt with or not. In the meantime, I am not "waiting" - I am moving forward and working on me. Right now I am just having major emotional ups and downs. He told me last night that when I have the impulse to do something I should sit back and ask myself "what would K want me to do?" - I have been doing that. Its just hard to move forward - maybe I am not ready to do that yet?

It's all in due time. When you are ready for something it will come a little easier. Its hard to work through a lot of our issues especially when they are things that are ingrained from our youth. Some people spends decades working out some problems.

I've seen people spend major time in therapy and get nowhere. I don't think you are that way - you seem to be extraordinarily receptive to change and to working things out. As for your boyfriend he may want to put something's are too painful sometimes to get rid of.

I read that book by Pease and a lot of the things they said about how women are in relationships didn't fit how I am - he was the affectionate loving one where as I was the opposite - this confuses me. I can completely understand why he would have the frustrations that he does - he says he wants to deal with them so I hope he does.

Do you think after a month I should contact him to see where he is at? Or should I just leave it and never contact him again?

Well you are not uncommon. There are women out there who do not act stereotypical. Maybe as you progress in your therapy and become more in touch with your feelings those things will change. Time will show you what you are capable of.

Is his frustrations with the fact that you are so logical and rational? (if you don't want to share you of course do not).

I don't see the harm in checking in with him after a month just to see where he is especially since that is you "waiting around timeframe"

My rational and logical approach to things is what got me in the position I am in. It was not until this breakup that I realized that I was not a balanced person, with respect to my rational and emotional mind. I made decisions based on my rational thoughts - so when I didn't want to do something, even though emotionally maybe I should have, I used my rational mind to make that decision. I am SOOO in touch with my emotions now I don't know how to shut them off when I need to - I make decisions based on how I am feeling, not on the rational and logical way. I have told him everything that I feel and even wrote a list of the things I want to change and am changing - this time I feel more comfortable with this time of NC, but I am still very emotional.

I am not "waiting" around - I just feel that it may take me a month or more to start to be able to move on.

I know you aren't waiting around - but it's the only way to state it. You've given it a month to see what happens so I was just referring to that was the "Waiting period".

That's great! You should feel good that you are now in touch with them. That's a hard thing to do. As you get more used to it you will learn to temper your logic with your emotion however its still hard because emotions are much stronger then that small little voice of reason in the background.

Like every time I read a post on here now - I break down in tears.

We'll just have to see how things play out.

Well its kind of like a whole new world for you isn't it? You've opened a fire hydrant and its hard to push that cap back on you know?

It definitely is - I am finding it hard to concentrate while at work. I am fine when I am home and have no problem occupying my time. But here, I just can't seem to keep myself busy enough. Today I feel like I am putting myself back into that "waiting" phase.

It is totally normal that happens all the time. I had always had the opposite problem. I would get CRAZY at work. I would invent things to do so I could guarantee 8 hours of not thinking about "it". Then at home I would try to do anything to stop from thinking but it never helped.

Any goofy things you need to do at work that will take up some time? Re-organize files? Any chance of making up a project?

Its stupid monotonous work right now that I get bored doing. Then my mind races with things I should have told him and want to tell him...
I hate this.

Oh geez that really sucks. I'm sorry you are having to go through with this. There is nothing worse then trying to deal with relationship stuff while you are at work. Its impossible to shut off sometimes.

Maybe try and write everything out just to get it out of your head.

I am doing that as well - here is what I struggle with - how can I move on, tell myself its over if he has not told me its over?

Anyone?

I don't know. That's the hardest part trying to reconcile it on your own. Its hard enough most times to accept that its really over even when the person tells you.

I could accept it if it were over - I would know then that I wouldn't have to try anymore and I would know I have done all I can. Right now, I know I have done all I can - but I'm still just... there.

Yeah "there" can be a pretty junky place to be. Its limbo. Its terrible. Its so hard to attempt to wait things out patience always seems to be in short supply when breaks happen. I wish I had something really perfect to say that would help you here but I'm at a loss. I always would hate it when someone would just reassure me in times like this. My best friend loves to spit out "everything is going to be fine" and it would just make me feel worse because I would say but is it really? Ultimately yes everything works out as it should and with distance and time that's easy to say but in the moment you just want to know what the heck is going on.

I sit here and I think about everything - I am giving myself a month to accept things and to "wait" things out. Work on myself, physically and continue my sessions with the therapist. Does it make sense that I can see myself at the end of the month perhaps being ready to tell him its over - if in fact he does not contact me before then?

Personally, I feel like a month of NC with an Ex is LOADS of time to connect with yourself and get to the bottom of your issues - IF that is what you want. Is it wrong to assume that?

I think you are absolutely correct. A month used wisely can allow someone to have wonderful break throughs. If someone wants to change badly enough a month is plenty of time to initiate that change and really see some results.

It may even be that you see that you are progressing in your life and hitting your therapy goals and trying to get yourself on the right path in your life and if your boyfriend doesn't start doing the same it may feel as if he is trailing behind you. I hope I'm explaining this so it doesn't sound stupid. But you know if you start to feel that you are maturing faster then someone - mentally, emotionally - whatever - it doesn't feel like the relationship is satisfying anymore. I had this experience with high school friends after I went to college. Some people had changed too much, gotten too mature too fast and our friendship just wasn't what either of us needed anymore. On the other hand were people who didn't change at all while I had and it just seemed impossible to maintain the friendship.

Does this make sense? I feel like a rambling idiot :)

No I get what you are talking about - its all about the direction you choose and I am choosing to better myself with these sessions. Whether he and I work out or not I know they are helping me become a better person.

I think he was always afraid of change and this is why he is having so much trouble with this - he has never accepted that HE had to change as well, until the other night. I do feel he has some growing up to do and maybe this is his chance (Although his growing up made him, him. I love him for that - and the things that were issues for me weren't serious enough for me to end things)

I have very few friends now because I feel like I don't connect with my old friends and the individuals I do run into who on the surface come across as being a good match for me (friends wise) turn out to be stuck in high school and can't carry on a conversation.

I'm glad I made sense.

Some people don't want to have to be self reflective. They don't want to stop and wonder could my actions be causing problems here as well? Its quite easy to toss blame upon another person and say you have issues while ignoring your own. Not necessarily saying that he did that but I've dealt with boyfriends like that myself. Where change is too much for them and it becomes so overwhelming.

You have the right attitude about the whole situation and you've set your boundaries.

I have the same problem when it comes to making new friends. Most people pull too much junior high stuff - I won't even give them high school level of drama. Its very frustrating. I know how you feel.

I have read a lot of posts on here and most cannot recognize that the relationship the way it is, is toxic. K and I on the other hand realize this and right now I think his actions are the ONLY way he knows how to handle things. At least we have accepted the problem, and are working on the issue - yes, we may be apart but I do believe he is doing what he can to sort his situation out. Most just walk away, turn their feelings off and expect everything to be all right (I did this with my last relationship - jumped into my most recent) - It catches up with you. If I had taken the time to reflect before I got into this one we may not be where we are today - But, I can't speculate nor can I change the past.

I talk the talk right now, just finding it hard to walk the walk.

Its easy to be blind in your relationship. Just looking at the posts on here and its amazing that someone can even write a full paragraph and still not be able to see the problem. Most of the time they answer their own questions in their question.

What its going to come down with between you and him is how much he actually works on changing. Anyone can say I'll change and I'll do x, y and z. But you have to see them actually making the strides or else its useless. Talk is easy its taking action that's hard.

Ultimately its going to work out how its supposed to. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason so maybe this break will be his catalyst for change.

I hope it is - He is still stuck on the fact that it took him coming to me and telling me that he wasn't happy for me to realize that things needed to change.

I keep trying to re-itterate - Its like a heart attack patient, they may have been told for years to change their lifestyle or you will die - and when do they actually make that change? AFTER the heart attack. Hind sight is 20/20 and if going back in time existed I am sure I would take advantage of it here - but it doesn't so I am left with sticking to my goals.

I suppose this month (unless he calls first) is for me to see if he actually wants to change things as well - I should look at things that way as well. Considering I am willing to bend over backwards to fix my issues, he should be willing to do the same if he truly wants us to be together.

Yes I agree completely. There is no equality in a relationship if both parties can't see their fault and if both parties cannot agree to mend their issues.

You are right. Most people won't address a problem until its brought to their attention or it becomes so painfully obvious that whatever you are doing is just not working. I wish more people would be open to recognizing the issues that they have and want to resolve them. Its hard when you want it more then other people do. I have a close female friend who is such a great person but she has absolute crummy self esteem and because of that she jumps into bed with everyone on a first date then laments that she is never in a relationship. I point out to her all the time that men don't start relationships with women who move that fast especially not guys in their late20's early 30's. Her comeback is always that it worked when she was 19 and was in a 5 year relationship. Which just goes to show you that this behavior hasn't worked for her in years but she's holding onto it because it worked once. Some people get programmed by the dumbest things.

Guys who are 19 are different then guys who are late 20's early 30's. Most men and I say men, want someone who is comfortable with who they are and what they want in life - K, knew that with me - I knew what I wanted and often was pig headed enough to not consider his feelings towards things. But there comes a time when people need to pull back and take a look at the bigger picture - I have to work with him, not against him. When you come off as being promiscuous to an adult male, its not attractive and not a quality most men look for - simply being a women who hops around must have some self esteem issues and is looking for something/someone to help her.

This wasn't the case with K and I. I was too set in my ways at the time.

You know, I look at some of the things that I used to do when we were together and they don't appeal to me anymore (They were toxic to the relationship). Not to say that I have not taken up new habits, but... I used to obsess over this car forum which I was the admin for - now I have no desire to visit the site. I used to sit in front of my computer from the time I got home until the time I went to bed, often on Facebook, since the break up my computer has not been turned on. All these things that kept me in my "rut" are gone, and not even an interest. The internet is my savior at work, simply because I can vent all of my frustrations and talk about how I am feeling at that point in time - but only when am I am at work am I on the internet.

It sounds as if your focus has changed for the better. When we see that the things we are doing are bad or are toxic to those around us they began to become unappealing. You should feel good that you have been able to recognize those things. Its often very hard to do.

I'm glad you've found your way out of your rut. That can be pretty difficult for some people. It sounds as if you have taken up more healthy things and I'm sure things will be even better once your season starts. More to put your mind on instead of all of this.

AS in most relationships there comes a point when things get comfortable and sometimes you get too comfortable - he often stated how he didn't care how I looked, he would always love me - so I didn't care either. From the time I got home until I went to bed I was in PJ's. Now, when I get home I change into my work out gear and go for a run. After that I put back on the clothes I had on from work and stay in them until bed time. I never realized how much neglecting your appearance puts you down personally and mentally.

I have never been one to accept or give compliments well - so I thank you for your acknowledgments with regards to my efforts. Admitting wrong doing & saying "I'm sorry" were also issues for me as well. Now I feel humbled by the whole situation. I just wish he were around to experience it or perhaps read what I have been posting here. I am trying my best to be rational and emotional at the same time - definitely a challenge

That's great! Its important to feel good about yourself and take the time to take care of yourself. A lot people just stop caring after a while which is often how peoples relationships hit big ruts.

You're welcome. Its very obvious from everything you are saying how hard you are working. You are walking uphill this whole way. Its clear how much you are willing to do to get this relationship to work and to do the right things. He will be around to see it if he's smart. You are still learning all of these things and everything will come more and more into focus as time goes on. Its great to get this stuff "fixed" now at your young age. I was friends with a woman who was 37 and she was a mess when it came to boundaries, rational thinking, admitting that she was wrong, taking accountabiity and a million other things. I knew her for two years and during that time she actually got progressively worse. She was dealing with some experimental therapy - which can be good but in her case it was a disaster. She got into that repressed memory stuff and began lashing out at her family. It was terrible to watch someone deconstruct like that further. It amazing that you found someone who is as helpful as your counselor obviously is because it can go pretty bad.

I just have to stay positive and continue NC till my personal deadline. I think once we approach the 30 days it might be easier for me to start preparing myself to tell him to " or get off the pot" - per say. But I honestly do believe that when he knows he will tell me - he has never given me any other reason to not believe him.

I feel good - but I will probably be back tomorrow, but hopefully in the same spirits as now.

I hope so too.

NC tends to allow you greater perspective. At 30 days things may look different.

He has asked me to send him an e-mail about my session today - promising?

Ideas?

myself to tell him to " or get off the pot" - per say.
This would be good advice to you for now, as 30 days to wait for someone to tell you what they want from life is absurd and ridiculous. You need to make a decision and stick to it and since he is in limbo why should you be. Let this go. Get your own life that does not revolve around someone else's decision.

I was thinking about that last night - I am moving forward - but as I have written in a previous post, everything in life needs closure. Right now, I am not ready to tell him I am walking away - but I do feel that as time passes it will be something I will become comfortable with. The 30 days is for me to gain my composure and move on - I suppose what I am trying to convey is - by that time I will be ready to add closure.

Man how things change in a week

How is everything going farfrmnormal?

We went from not talking to talking again - but not hanging out. He contacted me first and we have been talking ever since. He suggested that we talk on a daily basis (or if I feel the need to call, to call him). We send text messages back and forth and just have playful conversation. He has asked that we wait and see where things go and work on our individual counseling (He has his first appointment this Friday - he finally admitted fault in the relationship and with his lack of ability to resolve his frustrations himself). I have pushed the boundaries a couple times saying that I am walking away - both times he has asked me to work with him and wait till he goes to a couple sessions. He just hates how everyone thinks he doesn't care - because he does. He says "This is the only way I know how to deal with things right now - I'm sorry". So that's where we are right now. Work has been stressing me out and he has been wonderful in letting me vent to him.

How do I curb the urge to call?

How do I curb the urge to call?

Hi,

I am also going through a breakup. The best way to fight the urge for me is to do as allot of people here have said act like he doesn't exist. Yea its hard me and my ex have been on NC for almost 2 months now. It does get easier when you become less emotional you will realize that it wasn't as good as you think now. I am not saying it wasn't great just saying being emotional will cloud your judgement. My ex was my everything but she shouldn't have been. In other words there has to be balance. I also went to a therapist I recently lost 3 people in my life My brother my best friend and my cat. What my therapist said to me was when you breakup its like there has been a death so for me that's 4 deaths in a years time. Its harder when you lose someone in a relationship situation because there is no closure. You will over analyze everything they say trying to find a glimmer of hope. Best thing to do is to force feed yourself to be busy. I can't say I am always into whateva I am doing but the point for me is to be active push myself to be active the clouds will start to clear out and the sun will shine :>)
Remember that you are #1 not him and not you 2 as a couple You are #1 be a little selfish go buy those shoes you wanted or whatever else it is you can do to treat yourself. It helped me allot. Be careful right now you are very vulnerable. GOOD LUCK!

Since mentioning he wanted some time to think, he has never said its over.

He has chosen to go to therapy for himself – but also so that we can be better together. This is where our circumstances are different – its not a break up. He is contacting me, but not like he used to. So when he doesn't this is when I get the urge to call and my mind races with negative thoughts. I just want to know how to curb those – that's all.

Since mentioning he wanted some time to think, he has never said its over.

He has chosen to go to therapy for himself – but also so that we can be better together. This is where our circumstances are different – its not a break up. He is contacting me, but not like he used to. So when he doesn’t this is when I get the urge to call and my mind races with negative thoughts. I just want to know how to curb those – that’s all.
The only thing I can tell you is stay busy. That's the best way and also Balance your life. If you are getting the urge to call him and having negative thoughts sounds like you are not busy enough. I could be wrong just my opinion :>)

I know I'm not busy enough – but the kicker is, its when I am at work. After work I have no problem avoiding the phone and not calling. Work is killing me – I find I am spacing my work out so I have things to do all day. But it looks bad because when people walk by (It always seems to be at the wrong time) I am stretching or looking off into space. LOL man – I need a new job. BUT if I get a new job I would have to move at least 2 hrs away to find one. That's another debate on my mind – do I move and leave this all behind? Balls!

I know I’m not busy enough – but the kicker is, its when I am at work. After work I have no problem avoiding the phone and not calling. Work is killing me – I find I am spacing my work out so I have things to do all day. But it looks bad because when people walk by (It always seems to be at the wrong time) I am stretching or looking off into space. LOL man – I need a new job. BUT if I get a new job I would have to move at least 2 hrs away to find one. That’s another debate on my mind – do I move and leave this all behind? Balls!
Well I work behind a desk also when me and my ex broke up and even now work is definitley the hardest time for me because we talked while we were both at work text, calls, etc.. I can definitley relate. You may want to write things down that you are feeling that helped me. Also what do you do during lunch? I started going to lunch with co - workers and that helped me also.

That is the hardest part. Its easy to space out at work and let your mind drift to negative thoughts and have the desire to contact him severely increase. Stupid job.

Well what you need to do is think about what's best for you (in regards to the job situation) and expect the relationship to follow. There is nothing wrong with seeking personal satisfaction and 2 hours away is not that far. My last boyfriend lived about 1.5 hours away we still found time to see each other one night a week then on weekends. Maybe considering the situation it might be good to get some actually physical space it might allow both of you to work towards your personal goals. But that decision is up to you - not one I would presume to press upon you.

As for those nasty negative thoughts maybe every time one pops up tell it "NO!" then think of something positive. Set a boundary for yourself that there is to be no contact while at work. Work is work time and personal time is personal time and consider there to be a moratorium on personal calls during the day.

I go home for lunch. There are few days a week where people actually get together and go for lunch. This place is very “clicky” where those who have worked here for a while seem to gravitate to one another. On my first day, no one asked me if I wanted to eat lunch with them. Ever since then I go home – there are a few of us that go out occasionally, but not all the time.

What's difficult for me is, my ex was always the one to call me and sometimes it REALLY bothered me the amount that he called. But now that he is not calling, I miss it.

The negative thoughts surround us - and I have been pretty good lately. Today for example - I have not sent any text messages, nor have I had the urge to call him. I want to trust that he will be in contact with me and that's all I can do.

But things are looking up since our last discussion - that's all can hope for.

We decided on our own personal deadlines and we aren't going to tell one another - less pressure on one another. I feel that my timeline is fair to both of us - will also give him time to have more sessions with his counselor

<That's another debate on my mind – do I move and leave this all behind? Balls!>

Why not do that, get a new job, if you don't like the one you have why stay in it.

Make your own hapiness.

<Since mentioning he wanted some time to think, he has never said its over.

>
What is he thinking about really?

Are you thinking about you want as well? I hope so.
Do you really want someone like this who can leave a relationship to 'think'?

Would a proper break not be the best at this ppoint so that you can get on with your life ?
Waiting in limbo while he thinks does not seem like a good place to be.

I sometimes don't know what to post here – simply because I feel like no matter what I say/do here the only answer that seems to make sense to most is to walk away.

I will admit there is a small amount of hope that he will figure things out and we will be able to start over in our relationship (I say start over because the old relationship is dead – and I don't want that back). But I wouldn't say he is necessarily using this time to strictly “think” about us. He has admitted his faults and realized that it may take a professional to help him through his issues. I can say things over and over again – but from the posts that I have been reading here it seems as though most who post on here believe that once a relationship has been ended or put into “break” phase there is no going back – it may not be the case, but that is the impression I am getting. I believe there are certain situations in which you should fight for what you believe in and where your heart is guiding you & others you should just let go. The hard part is determining which decision is right for your situation. Too many people give up in relationships now days and I believe that the divorce rate is the direct result of people not trying to improve their relationships with others – not just intimate but personal relationships as well. Yes, there are obvious situations where you should not try (abusive relationships, multiple occasions of being cheated on and those who have tried all avenues to reconcile their differences). If both parties are making an effort to improve their personal being, why can't there be reconciliation in their future?

Right now I struggle with knowing which path I should take – I don't want to force him into a decision, but at the same time this cannot go on forever – he has acknowledged this, but why is he not applying it?

Is me setting a personal boundary of 2 weeks time (It would be 2 months since our break began) forcing him? (personal boundary in that I would not tell him I had set this boundary & suggest closer to the date that he and I discuss things) I must mention that in previous discussions he agreed that letting this go on for more then two months is ridiculous.

I am thinking about what I want – and almost two months into this break my feelings for him have not changed – I am still in love with him. If I knew what he was thinking about I would be one step ahead of him and wouldn't be where I am now. I would be comfortable not hearing from him when he said he would call – because I would know why he did not.

A proper break? Yes it would, but honestly – I am this far in, what is two more weeks?

I honestly don't think I could take a job away from my family right now. They are my crutch and moving to avoid things would only make things worse with regards to my emotional stand point.

Hi I understand your feelings and your thoughts completely. It does seem to be no optimist on this site sometimes but that is actually not the case. I realized I was looking for people to tell me there was a chance we could get back together. Which there always is a CHANCE. But you can't focus on that you have to focus on you and you ONLY. Me and my EX have been NC for almost 2 months now. I usually go through it on mondays cause it's a new week and it seems to always remind me that we haven't been talking. What I try to focus on is the good times but also on the things that bothered me the things that made me sad in the relationship and realize that if they don't come back they are doing you a HUGE favor. Would you rather go through pain now and be better later or would you rather get back with that person and feel empty or feel like something is missing? I recently realized that the reason I was feeling like it has been SOOO long is because I am not in control. I am not the only pushing the buttons she is. Which makes me very anxious. My ex was not the greatest but what a friend of mine helped me realize is that she inspired me to make myself better to focus on me. I have had break ups before but this time I actually have been doing the things I said I would which is work out focus on my career my daughter. I have always done those things but now I realized maybe she was in the way? Maybe I didn't realize how much more I could have done if I wasn't so focused on me and her being together forever :>) HOpe this helps!

Thanks for your response – I am not asking people to tell me there is a chance, because as with anything there is a chance. All I am saying is, sometimes people give up too easily. There comes a point when each individual will act in their own ways to achieve the results they hope for – sometimes, they don't get the results they want and they become discouraged. If I were told today by him that he didn't feel things were going to work out, I would accept it and move on. I can accept that what we HAD is gone and I can accept losing some control of the situation. I cannot change him or his actions – ever, but what I can change is me. I am in the process of doing this – change is inevitable and constantly occurring, hence people falling out of love – things changed.

You know, 1.5 months into this I sit back and I think about all of the things that I could possibly see as reasons for not wanting to be with him – of course there were little quirks he had like not wanting to try new foods, or picking the onions out of every food he ate and how he remembered everything from when he was a little kid – but to be honest he was perfect. The only thing that makes me feel odd is his current behaviour and how he has removed his heart from his sleeve (I am suspecting he is doing this to heal himself and not leave himself vulnerable). Many ask me if my feelings for him have swayed at all – no, they have not – mostly because he was so good to me and I was the one who was blind in my behaviours (yes now 1.5 months in I realize he has some deep childhood issues that need to be resolved – he now see's them too, but only since the breakup).

I just think that people need to try harder, accept responsibility, make change if necessary and be optimistic that you will in fact be happy – and it could be happy with your ex. We cannot predict the future.

Hold on if you feel its right, but know when to let go.

Aww I read the whole of this, I have been with my girlfriend now for 2 years and I really am going through insecurities, I try to be the best I can I ALWAYS tell her I love her, I ALWAYS treat her with love and always say how beautiful she is. Take a look at my topic "relationship uncertainties" and see what you think.

No more limbo - we have ended things, for now. I can't tell you what the future holds - we may, or may not be able to work things out in the future. But now I live for me.

Life changes have caused him to be unsure about what he wants in life - I can't be with someone who is that unsure. I hope he finds his niche and is one day able to make himself happy.

Its unfortunate that he has been a "people pleaser" his entire life. If only he had done things for himself first and others second we may not be where we are today. But, I can't change the past - I can only work on my future.

Now the difficult task of NC - I broke it yesterday, but with the support of my family I know that anything but NC on my part can do damage to what may come in my future.

I am going to listen to the laws of the universe and laws of attraction.

Any insight?

Hi Farfromnormal.

I'm happy you are no longer in limbo,

NC is hard, but as the months past it gets better.. you will have a lot of ups and downs along your healing journey, the anniversaries of events are the hard part.

A year has passed for me since I first posted here and I set myself free from that limbo situation.
Ive healed and I've began dating again and I'm having fun.

Time will help you,
Come here and vent and we can help you
Xxx

Someone came to me the other day and said this “For every year you were together you will have one month of pain in the healing process”. Looks like I have 4 months of healing ahead of me. I am not going to limit it to 4 months – I will know when I feel right.

Yeap u will.

Hang in there , first months are so tough.

I really hope you find some peace doll. Just take it as you aways do one day at a time. I have faith that you will be fine and that things for you will be great.

In my eyes, if he is really serious about your relationship, if he really always loves you, he should understand you well as you guys have been together for 4 years, like you eager for marriage after long-term relationship, you eager for family……he is ready or not for marriage is not the point, not the reason. For man, if they do not want marriage or they do not want to marry you at all, they will NEVER be ready for marriage, and “Im not ready for marriage” will always become their excuse! Now you are 25, you are still young, but not that young! How many four years do you still have for one man? If he does not like what you want, he does not want what you want. Then get over him! He is not suitable for your life unless you are willing to follow up his timeline or you are just wasting your time!

aww i read the whole of this, i have been with my girlfriend now for 2 years and i really am going through insecurities, i try to be the best i can i ALWAYS tell her i love her, i ALWAYS treat her with love and always say how beautiful she is. take a look at my topic "relationship uncertainties" and see what you think.


Marvito;

I had the same and believe me once she latches on to your innsecurity she will not feel the same.

I've just been here.

You don't need to tell her you love her all the time. I did that too. It smothers then.

She knows you think this. You have to sit back a little and see if she feels like this with you, or else there will be a major imbalance and you will be the one crying your eyes out; like I was.


Remember to keep a balance in your mind and don't make your girlfriend your everything.
She is a great 'part' of your life and nothing more.

Once you put her on that pedestal it is a long and sobering journey to get her all over you again.

AND it is a quick and very sudden bang back down to earth.

people need to learn the meaning of love and commitment, longevity, sticking together when IT'S NOT EASY, loving someone through the other's pain, forgiveness... men are so ^&%#^*( weak nowadays. It's not another woman though, I can tell so don't worry about that.

This post was a while back. I would be interested in what has come to fruition!