I was with a girl for 2 years until early this year when she broke up with me. She told me that she was no longer in love with me. We spent the next 4 months after the breakup seeing each other several times a week (going to dinner, getting drinks, seeing movies) and continuing a physical relationship. I tried to give her space during that time, letting her call me when she wanted to hang out and not bringing up any relationship talk, but in June one day out of the blue she told me she did not have the right feelings for me anymore and that she felt like we were “forcing” things by spending so much time together and acting at times as if we were still together. She said she just wanted to be friends and that she did not want a relationship with me.

The next night we had dinner together and afterwards she was all over me and we ended up having sex. This really confused me. I didn’t say anything, but we then went to dinner again the next night and again she was acting like the girlfriend. I finally told her that I cannot do what we have been doing anymore—that I cannot just be the friend to her sometimes and act like the boyfriend at other times. I told her that I felt she was taking me for granted and that I could not give her what she had been getting from me anymore. She agreed that she had been very hot and cold to me but said she couldn’t help it. She said she still had feelings for me but that she was not in love with me anymore (“I love you but I am not in love with you”). She asked that we not hang out for a while because “she wanted to see how she felt” without me around. I told her to take as long as she wanted and that I would not bother her.

Three months passed with no communication in either direction. I did think about her every day during that time, but I dated other girls throughout and tried to enjoy myself as best as I could. A few days ago, I sent her a brief email saying hello, hope all is well and hope you had a good summer. She replied a few minutes later with hope all is well with you too and good to hear from you. I responded back a few hours later with lets get a drink sometime and catch up. She replied right back that she has been feeling sick but yes she would like to get a drink and to call her next week when she is better to set up a day.

This is all kind of new to me—I have usually been the one doing the breakup and have never tried to get a girl “back”. Anyone have any advice or thoughts on how to approach this? Based on people’s experiences, is it possible to restart a relationship, perhaps by taking it slow, having a good time with her when we go out, being the cool guy that she fell in love with in the first place? I am not going to hit her with any relationship talk or anything like that when we meet up. But I am not doing this just to have her as a friend and that is not something I would even want if that was all she could give me. Any thoughts?

Man I feel for you, this is not an easy situation to deal with. There are so many pros and cons to what you are about to do..

People say that things that are in the past are there for a reason, and they say this through experience. Mine, however, is a bit different. My boyfriend and I dated for about 2 years, then we broke up. It seemed at one point that we had slowly become just friends anyway, so why fight to make it more. We broke up for 6 months. During the 6 months we would hang out occasionally on the weekends, but doing only what friends do, hang out. We'd go to a Bengals game, have a few beers, shoot pool, but nothing more. There was no kissing, holding hands, etc. One day I realized how much I really did care for him and that "friendship" wasn't enough anymore. Well long story short we are happier than we've ever been and it's been about a year since the breakup. So, yes, it is definitely possible to rekindle a relationship from the past. What you have to do is decide whether the pros outweigh the cons. I don't think that it is fair to her if you are going to meet with her only with intent of getting back together. If this is not what she wants, and you don't want to be friends with her, then you are sending her false signals. You are telling her it's cool if we go have a few drinks and catch up, when you have in fact just told us that you won't settle for just a friendship. Do you think maybe that you are taking a larger risk than you are ready for? Don't you think this could potentially hurt you both. Be honest with her. Don't lead her to believe that you are ready for a friendship, when in fact you aren't. You want all or nothing (and there isn't anything wrong with that) but you have to let her know that!

Good luck and I hope whatever decision you make works out for you and her both in the end!

<3 Leslie

But I am not doing this just to have her as a friend and that is not something I would even want if that was all she could give me. Any thoughts?
My thoughts are that that's all you're ever going to have with this woman ; a "friends with benefits" situation. If you are willing to settle for that, then great, you've got it made. If not, then forget about her and move on.

You may of cooled off but this relationship is being kept alive as friends with benefits, by you both. Either make a clean break, or be friends as you are now. As long as your lives are so entwined, there will be no moving on by either of you. Confusing, isn't it?

Remove the confusion and learn to live without your ex for your own benefit. Maybe in the future you could pursue a future relationship/friendship with this person. For now though It might be best to go your separate ways.

Thanks to everyone for your advice. I guess I was thinking that 3 months apart would have given her time to reflect, and that reaching out to her now was a way of seeing if her feelings about me had changed. I definitely do not want friends with benefits--we did that already (immediately after the breakup for several months) and I found it to be a very unhealthy situation and detrimental to my well-being. I think I will still meet up with her sometime, and I don't see myself coming right out and saying that I want to try again, but I want to see how she acts around me. Perhaps that will clear up my confusion, perhaps it won't. I think the one thing I will certainly make clear is that I do not want us to slip back into the friends with benefits routine.

Have people out there found it better to come right out and ask whether the other person would consider trying again, or is it better to avoid those types of serious conversations and see how she acts around you?

Right now she owns you dawg.

You need to make her ask YOU!!

Show ZERO interest... and do not have sex... no matter how bad you want it.
When she has decided she "wants" you - dictate the terms... might be dinner. Might be a phone call.
Might be.. you are busy - yep, you heard me..! She is classic. She needs to chase to have her libido
Activated. Those girls are great once you know that (less work) but wife/fiance etc... nope.
You have enough things to worry about in real life out of the bedroom - like who paid the lightbill and where are the kids' jackets.

Frankly, I think she is NOT girlfriend material right now... from saying: "I don't love you" to being all over you shows that she is confused... So make her sure: make her work.

City Guy is BUSY... "leave a message.."

:-)

Hmm, so I am wondering whether I should even meet up with her at all. The only contact we have had was a week ago agreeing to meet up for a drink this week. But I have not contacted her again to set anything up. I am not interested in banging my head against the wall with this girl. And though it would be difficult, I am capable of avoiding a situation where we might have sex. This for me is about seeing if there is anything left between us. I did not talk to her for 3 months and though it was difficult I know that I am capable of cutting off all contact with her for good if reconciliation is not a reasonable possibility. Me cutting contact with her means that it is over and I move on--it is not about trying to get her to miss me. Although she is receptive to meeting up again, I initiated the contact, not her. I know I am rambling here, or maybe just thinking out loud, but on one hand I say forget this girl and move on and on the other I feel like I need to make one last effort. Not a plea to her to start over, but just spending some time together again and seeing how I feel and how she acts. Are you saying that she will not work for it if I spend any time with her whatsoever? In other words, spending time with her is pointless?

Spending time is pointless understand she is only coming back once she realises what she no longer has! Anyform of contact by u will be portrayed as negative and will set u back and push her further away. Disappear and see where that gets you. She will either return and ask for a reunion or it will be OVER.

Easy you get your answer by doing nothing at all!! IUt can't be that simple yet so many people try so many things , where if you just go silent you leave it all up to them and well that's what they asked for a BREAk!! Let them make that decision without you, most times all there decisions are made wirth you and when you are not there to help with a decision that's when the void is felt... good luck

Oh man. Hang in there.

Unrequited love makes us crazy huh?

YOU initiated... no. no. no. She needs to chase.
If you HAVE to, have dinner and be done... But best advice is to not right now.

Spending time with her will remind her of why she left... "to see how it feels"...
Apparently, it doesn't feel too tough for her.

But if this will give you closure, then do it.
Why not? It may get you both to decide it's over or not.
But the odds are that it is not time yet - especially if YOU initited.

I've gotten girls back who said lots of things - but you need to be very direct and in control after a long break.
Sometimes women are testing you - and themselves. But if she is indifferent, it's not now - it's not ever.
Let me know how it goes if you do it!

We exchanged a few light-hearted emails yesterday and she said she is still sick and on medication but that she will probably be better by this weekend. And that she would contact me when she feels better for what she called our "reunion". Well, now at least I have no reason at all to contact her and I know now that she will contact me in the near future. I don't want to overthink and overcalculate all of this, but at the same time I am not going to go running to hang out with her as soon as she tells me she feels better and wants to do something.