Ive been with my boyfriend for almost a year now,he's my world and I love him more then anything, he asked me out 6months strait before I said yes, and from there on we just fell head over heels for one another, in the beginning everything was perfect, we were with each other all the time and when we wernt we were on the phone with one another,he'd tell me how much he loved me and wanted to be with me, he would call me all the time for no apparent reason just to talk, want to see me all the time, do everything with me, it felt like we were together for years, but about 2 months ago, things have changed, he hardley ever calls me, never wants to see me,hardley ever tells me he loves me or calls me the "pet" names he normaly would, never makes plans with me and when he does he always come up with some lame excuse witch is usaully, "i'm so tired" or "i'm working late again" last min to get out of it, I think I'v only seen him 4 times this hole month, when I've talked to him about it he says "your completly right honey, i love you and i'll try to be a better boyfriend" but the next day he's at it again, I've even broken up with him and he calls me saying "this doesnt feel right i love you more then anything and want to be with you, i'm just busy" so me being a beliver went back to him only to find it back to the way things were a few days later... I know he would never cheat on me, but I'm just so sick of crying, being let down and feeling alone, I have no idea what to do or what's happening, is it me? Am I being to needy? Pease someone help me understand or figure out what to do?? HELP!

First, never, never make someone else the center of your universe.

Some guys go all out when chasing a girl, and once she's his, they tend to slow down and get out of the fast lane.

He just might be tired due to school or job.

This sounds to me like you count on him to help you through day to day life and that should not be happening. You should be catching up on your schooling, friends and other interests also and not put everything on hold for him. You should also not expect him to drop everything in his life for you.

Go about normal life, and give him a break.

If it's over, there is nothing you can do to get him back. If it's not over, then give him space to breathe.

This all sounds negative, but it is necessary for you to stop.. think... and get your life back. You deserve to be happy.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif

You'd think after being together for a year he would call me when he has something to talk about, but instead he texts me and it feels so impersonal, what does this mean?

you'd think after being together for a year he would call me when he has somthing to talk about, but instead he texts me and it feels so impersonal, what does this mean?
Have you let him know it bothers you? If not, that would be the place to start. He may not realize what he is doing.

Oh I have let him know repetedly, not rude or anything just told him that it feel very impersonal and I'd like aphone call every once in a while, like today he said I'll call you before I head to work and I had a feeling he wouldn't so I said promise, he said yes, then I received a text saying he forgot and is at work.

Well 1st of all consider the source of this advice... take a look at my post down below to see my situation... maybe I shouldn't be giving advice.

But with that said, I would try and sit him down and have a serious conversation with him about it. If he really respects you, he should do it. Sometimes texts are more convenient and some people just don't like the phone, but he should acquiesce if he cares aout you. Or if you want to play hardball, you can just not repsond to the texts, forcing him to call instead. But honestly, if you sit him down and he still refuses, you may have a larger respect issue going on.

Believe or not, some people are just weird about money!
I personally know someone would text because it's $5 unlimited.
Do u think he is cheap?

He is slightly cheep, but I think its something else

Reading some of the questions and answers posted , I'm confused on weather my boyfriend treats me bad or if I'm looking for too much out of him... I want to see him more then once/twice a week, I'd like to talk to him everyday more then once if possible(once would do tho) I want him to be involved in my life, and me in his, I just want us to be happy... is this too much to ask of my boyfriend of a year?

No you are not asking for too much. That is pretty standard boyfriend behavior. Most couples talk on the phone every day or every other day and typically see one another once a week maybe more. It all depends on both people's schedules.


What's going on with him Cher?

I really don't know what's going on with him, up until 2 months ago we'd see each other 4/5 times a week, talk 4/5 times a day, he'd always tell me he loved me and call me hun or baby, but now I barley see him, barley talk to him and when I do he always seems annoyed with me and finds any excuse not to see me, he says he loves me and wants to see me but is busy, but even when he's not busy or doing anything I never see him, I think if you love someone and want to see them, you will no matter how busy you are, am I wrong? What should I think?

How old are the both of you? How long have you guys been together? Have things been stressful for him lately?

I am 21 and he is 23, we have been together for almost a year... he has just started a new job a month ago and clamis to always half to work late, almost everyday weekday. He'll say I'm off at 4 I'll be right over after, but then he'll call me at 4 and say "i'm still wokring i'll call you when i get off", but he doesn't even call some times and when he does its not till midnight saying he just got off,and is way to tired to do anything... like working 18-20 hours 5 days a week, is he lying to me? And he gets weekends off but I never see him on the weekends he says he's busy with family or is to tired still. Just seems like he's always "saying" I'm coming to see you but never does, always "saying" I'll call but never does he even bugs out on plans last minute, like we had plans to go away together for the weekend for a month ,then the night before he tells me he has to house sit for his parents and watch there dog... are these all just excusses not to see me?

Okay you may not like what I have to say. This is just my analysis based on what you have said. I could be totally wrong but here is what I think. He wants to break up. When guys want to break up they look for reasons to not see you and make up bs excuses and say "oh I have to work late" and I have this obligation or that obligation. They will also "forget" to call you back or call you at all.

What is your sense of this situation? You're a woman you got the ladies intuition going on. What does your gut say?

reading some of the questions and answers posted , i'm confused on weather my boyfriend treats me bad or if i'm looking for to much out of him...... i want to see him more then once/twice a week, i'd like to talk to him everyday more then once if possible(once would do tho) i want him to be involved in my life, and me in his, i just want us to be happy..... is this to much to ask of my boyfriend of a year?
FYI... this sounds a lot like my ex-g/f prior to our problems. This, unfortunately isn't a good sign. The one thing I found out the hard way----the more you push, the more they pull.

See and that's the thing... this is why I'm confussed, I broke up with him last week! I felt the same thing, and I'm not the type of person to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me, not matter how much I loved them.. I felt things were different and this is ovious behavior of someone that wants out, but he called me telling me "this doesnt feel right, i love you more then anything, and want to be with you" but he's still acting like this!!

Okay here is what is going on. He treated you as if you were unimportant and you called his bluff and walked (good job by the way) and now he is going on no she actually walked away and didn't let me treat her badly. If you go back to him it will be great for a week to a month then he will be back to the same old patterns. You teach people how to treat you and right now you have told him you are not one to be treated badly if you go back you are telling him that it is okay to treat you bad because you will come back.

that's the best explination I have herd in a long time... I did go back though... I don't know what it is, I love him so much, and we both want the same things in life, get alonge great, I just keep thinking this time will be different, this time he means it (beacause we have talked about this 100 times already) and he says "your so right hunney, i'll try to be a better boyfriend" but for sum reason I just keep sticking around looking for excusses why he treats me like this, keep thinking once he gets a new job things will be back to the way they were or something like that, I think thinking what if I pretend I don't care anymore will that make him pay more attention to me? But I don't want to half to "pretend i dont care" about something I really do...

I'm so stuck! Everything I know and how I've been brought up is telling me to get out, but I have never felt suck a deep connection. I'm scared, not of being without him but that I won't have this connection/love for someone ever again... I know I'm young and there are plentty of guys out there but this was something special

I felt the deepest connection of my life with my ex. I thought we were going to get married in fact everyone around us was pretty convinced of it as well. We even talked about it. When we broke up I was devastated and never imagined that I would be able to get on and move on with my life. The further and further I moved myself away from the situation I was able to see that yeah we had a great connection but a relationship is way more then that. If both people aren't willing to put in the required work then it is going to fail.

Your ex has shown you that he is not willing to put in the work to keep the relationship going. He is completely unwilling - even when you talk to him about AND tell him that it upsets you- to change the behavior. What makes you think this will be any different? A week away from you is too soon to change. He just wants you now because you walked away or maybe it's a pride thing and he wants to be the one who dumps.

Wow that's to bad it didn't work out for you, have you moved on sense? Found someone else?

That's very true about both people needing to give it there all inorder for it to work, I don't know how to do it though, get out... the second he hells me what I want to hear I'm back beliving that we'll be fine

Then stop talking to him. You have to decide who you love more him or yourself? Its good that you recognize that he is simply telling you what you want to hear. Talk is cheap. Here is a great lesson that I wish I got in my early 20's was don't listen to what they say pay attention to what they do. If there is a disconnect then they are not the right person.

I've met a lot of great guys since him. Some I've had awesome connections with but not married yet. I however remain eternally optimistic.

Okay you may not like what I have to say. This is just my analysis based on what you have said. I could be totally wrong but here is what I think. He wants to break up. When guys want to break up they look for reasons to not see you and make up bs excuses and say "oh I have to work late" and I have this obligation or that obligation. They will also "forget" to call you back or call you at all.

What is your sense of this situation? Your a woman you got the ladies intuition going on. What does your gut say?


I agree totally with what Glinda said. Guys that act this way are usually looking for a way out, but don't want to hurt you. (Even though in retrospect, they are hurting you more). Basically what it seems like he is doing is trying to make YOU leave HIM so that he doesn't have to be the one to say the words. I say let it go. See what happens. I know it sounds cliché, but it's true what they say, "Sometimes you have to let something go just to see if it will come back again." It may not seem right at the time, but love goes both ways. If he's not doing his part to keep the relationship strong, then it's not worth it. You can't play both parts. Take some time for yourself, think about things, and give him some time too! Good luck girl, hope everything works out for you (I'm sure it will... who knows, your happiness may lie somewhere you never dreamed).

Thank you for all the great insight... I helps me open my eyes, even if its just a little wider.:)

however it turns out for you remember that all people and things come into your life for a reason, season, or a lifetime. You just have to learn to accept this and realize who your looking at for each of them. When there reason or season is over you just have to learn to let them go, even if it hurts. My mom always tells me to just relax and things will get better. Good Luck =o)

I think your holding on to a dream of what was, and its causing you a lot of misery because he doesn't give what you expect from him. For whatever reason, I think its time to leave him alone, and move on to someone who better treats you like you want. You can't make him do anything he doesn't want to and his action say, he doesn't want to make you feel wanted. Let him go and heal yourself by finding happiness without him, for your own sake.

I have read all your other posts and think you should let this go as its not worth the emotional drain on you and not worth maintaining. Find a better way to live.

:( so I had plans with my boyfriend today (who I haven't seen in 2 weeks) and for about the 100th time he called me 30mins before our pland started saying he doesn't think were going to do anythig tonight... made up some lame excuse of course and I just felt like some one riped out my heart once again, I told him that I'm getting sick of him standing me up and never having time for me, all of a sudden he freaked out and started yelling at me telling me I'm to needy, that he can't handel me and compairing me to his ex's, saying that he's sick of hearing my same sob story over and over again, and I said that the reason you keep hearing it is cause you haven't done anything about it, and we ended breaking up. It seems like I did the right thing but I amd so hurt and upset that its over I keep thinking what if I made the biggest mistake of my life? Should I have kept my mouth shut? Should we try to work this out? I'm just so friken sad right now I don't know what to do, I'm so lost!! Can anyone offer some advice?

I'm so upset feels like I can't breathe

Cher you made the best decision you could have. I really think this guy is going to keep doing this bad behavior, walking away then pulling you back in. You have to decide that the cycle is garbage and that you want nothing to do with it.

You deserve someone who will not break promises to you with some lame idiotic excuse. You are worth WAY more then that. Look at your picture you are a total doll and from what I've seen of your personality on here you are a sweet girl. You don't deserve someone disregarding you. You are better then that.

Feck him. Don't look back.

Don't let him call you needy because he is the rude piece of crap. I'm sorry but this behavior can only get worse. My last girlfriend used to complain about different things in our relationship but I never, ever stood her up. She should date your boyfriend and see what disrespectful is all about. That is very rude and highly disrespectful. To get someone's hopes up about doing something together and then backing out. And not just once. And 30 min after so you have no chance to make plans instead. Boyfriend or not, these types of people that break plans are some of the worst.

You weren't needy at all. You made a wise decision.

This is the best decision you could have made. You don't deserve someone who compares you to their exes and is always coming up with lame excuses for why he can't hang out. Good riddance to him, and one day you'll meet someone who treats you so well you'll wonder why you were ever sad over this guy!

Congratulations for cutting the confusion from your life. He wasn't worth it.

You say it was "about the 100th time" this happened. I could see where he'd call you too needy, etc if it happened once or twice. But if it's the kind of habit you're suggesting then there's definitely something not right. I think you did the right thing in breaking up with him. Now I hope you'll be strong enough to stay away. After all, how much of a "relationship" do you really have if he's constantly cancelling plans on you at the last minute and then not understanding why it upsets you? You have a "phantom boyfriend" at best and you need and deserve better than that.

I was doing OK from my breakup yesterday, realizing that I don't deserve to be treated so badly, when my ex called me/text me over and over and over till I finally answer'd only to hear how much he loved me, wanted to be with me and that us breaking up doesn't feel right... the problem, I have herd this before, not just once... my heart wants to give it another go but my head is telling me to wise the hell up, I'm so torn, I don't know what to do!

I've never been more confused and hurt in my life, as some of you know I have been having relationship troubles for the past 4 months and me and my boyfriend ended it... I was so hurt and just trying my hardest to get over it until Sunday night when I received a text message off my ex's phone saying "who the f*uck is this, and what s going oon between you and my bouyfriend"? So frantically I called him 100 times texted him 100 times but there was no answer, I couldn't sleep, was shaking violently I felt like I was about to die!! The next morning I gat a call off a random number asking me if my ex has told me about her, I was like "NO, is this a joke??? whats going on" she goes on to tell me they have been together this hole time, are ingaged, live together and the part that almost killed me was she said they just had a son together 20days ago, not to mention this was a planned pregnancy" I felt my heart sink into my stomic and almost couldn't breathe... so he calls me at the same time prettymuch, claiming it was a one night stand at a christmas party(when we wernt together), she only contacted him 4 months ago(witch makes sense for his weird behavour) that he was scared I'd leave him so he didn't tell me, and he never wanted to hurt me, and that everything she's telling me isn't true that she just is saying that cause she knows he loves me and wants to be with me and can't handel that, so now I don't know what or who to believe, I want to be with him so much and I love him more then anything but she says if he's with me she'll never let him see his son again, I don't even know what to believe... and the worst part is he doesn't even want to be with me right now, he needs to figure everything out, I told him that he should be with his son and pretend I never exsisted and not to contact me cause it just didn't seem like I fit in anywhere, but he still is and I still answer, I don't know what to do, I've never been so hurt or connfused in my life! Please someone help me with some advice!

He said he never cheated on me and wants to be with me, just not right now, am I just being strung along? I know he's going through the toughist time of his life and I want to be there for him, but am I just going to get hurt in the end?

I would believe her.

And IF she is lying this woman is always going to be a part of your ex's life since they have a child together. So she will always be causing problems if that is in fact what she is doing.

Could you call her and rationally speak to her about this? If they are living together and are engaged she will have to have some proof of all of this. If she is more then willing to provide you with proof... well if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck it's a duck.

I just have to add that reading you other post below your OP that I think you are the other woman. He wants to keep you on the side while he continues on with his life with this woman.

I really suggest talking to her.Find out what she knows about you and find out as much as you can about your ex and this other lady.

I talked to her, she told me all that stuff... I just feel like I have no place in this he should just leave me alone so I can get over him and what he did to me, but he just keeps calling claiming he's leaving town for a while or that he doesn't know what to do about his child and ask's me addvice, am I just being used, good I feel like an idiot

I want so much to believe him, he's so convincing, but what reason would she have to lie to me?

Those are my thoughts exactly. I don't see her gaining very much from doing this.

I would block his number from your phone, block him from sending IMs (if you use it) and emails. If an unknown number pops up on your phone do not answer. This guy is a real piece of work and you absolutely right he needs to leave you alone. But chances are he will not leave you alone if you keep being responsive. I know its hard to not pick up when you see that he is calling but you have to love yourself a whole lot more then him right now.

You know this also puts your other post into a whole new light. Do you think he gave you a hard time about going out or going to certain places because he was afraid of running into people who knew this woman?

Taking all your posts together, I'm wondering why you even bother with the drama. Don't you know you can be happier without all these other people in your life? You really should cut the confusion, and leave this guy ALONE!

I know I should leave him alone, this is way too much drama and it does make the way he treated me before all make sense but I'm not happy with out him it seems and I don't know if I'll find that again, I don't know if I'm scred to be along or if I just love him so much, I don't know what it is... now he wants to be "friends" for a while, I don't think I can handel being with him but not "beling with him" evey time he leaves I make up my mind to tell him this isn't going to work and I need to get over him, but the min he calls or shows up he makes me change my mind, I know what I need/should do but for sum reason I can't do it, what is wrong with me??

Cher you have got to get this guy out of your life. Do not be friends with him because all he will do is drag you back into all of this nonsense, lie to you and do whatever it takes to get back into your bed. This guy used you while he had a fiancé and got her pregnant.

You are sitting at this guy BEGGING for scraps of love and attention. This guy has never given you a full slice of bread let alone a meal the entire time you have been together. At the most he has tossed off a few scraps but the majority of it being crumbs of love.

You deserve more and are worth more then this. You have to decide that you love yourself more then you are addicted to this guy. You do not "love him that much" you are just scared to be alone. This guy doesn't love you sorry he doesn't. He just wants to have it all and not lose anything.

Block his number from your phone if he shows up at your house don't answer the door. This guy is cancer Cher. You have to cut out the cancer in order to heal.

The reason you can't stop yourself is because its hard. Its hard to walk away from someone. Its hard to not pick up the phone or answer the door. Its hard to decide that you are better then this. Its easy to be someone's doormat, its easy to believe lies, its easy to believe that you don't deserve a full serving of love. .

Its also easy to take back control of your life. You know he is lying to you. So block his number on your phone. If a number pops up that you don't recognize don't answer. If he shows up at your house don't answer the door. If he keeps it up call the cops.

Cher, I know what you are going through. I am in a similar situation, but worse! I LIVE with my boyfriend and since I have been here (3 years almost to the day!) I have not had to work. He takes care of me (and my son) because he has money and says that I have a job here taking care of the house and him, etc. AND, on top of all that, he really does pay me a pretty good allowance as well as lot's of other perks. We have a lot of material things and fun toys (4-wheelers, boat, jet skis, etc.) and if I leave him, I leave it all to be lonesome! My man loves me and I love him; so what's the nitch? HIS FRIENDS! He never takes me anywhere fun or away for a weekend stay at a nice hotel, does not include me in his business ventures or tells me his ideas and thoughts. But all of his friends know. In fact, his friends know what we are doing for the weekend before I do! And when we DO go someplace (we also have a house out in the country on a lake, hence the "toys") - his friends go too. We've had this place for over a year; I found it, we bought it together, but have NEVER one single time just went down there for just one night by ourselves! Most every night & weekend he's out in the garage with his friends. Sometimes we go out to a bar or two but when we get there inevitably he has friends that intrude on what we women like to call "our time"! He won't go anywhere off the beaten path so we don't run into these so-called friends. So, on top of all that, 99.9% of these so-called friends of his are plain and simple "users"! They don't even have enough cooth or common sense to see that he is with ME in a conversation and they just butt right in and take over! This happens EVERY SINGLE TIME we go out. Then we fight cause I want (he says) all of his attention. NO! Truly, I just want some! If I finally go over and talk to some chicks (if I don't know them, I introduce myself and get to know them!) then he drills me about what we talked about and how all I do is strut "my stuff" around so everyone will look at my "rear"! I mean, Cher, men are sick individuals! They are heartless and relentless. They don't want us, but they don't want anyone else to have us either. I'm so sick of being "last" in his world. I can be on the phone with my mother and he intrudes in my conversation asking me who it is. Or, if I'm on the phone with one of my girlfriends he butts in about our conversation or tells me to tell her to tell her man (one of his friends, of course) this or that... or even worse, obnoxiously makes crude and controlling remarks loundly like "tell her your trying to cook" or "what's she wanting now". I mean true and sick sh_ t! What I am concluding in my own life... F_ _ K IT (and him!) I am starting this very day venturing out and getting a life (after all, he's already gone with his buds to a motorcycle swap meet) and no I was not invited to go even though I ride my own motorcycle! YEP! I'm going anyway... and if I see him there, I'm going to smile and go on about my shopping! And I vow from this day forward that I will giggle, smile, laugh, party and flirt! No more sad and lonely. I'm a pretty lady, I'm self-respecting and considerate! I have friends that I put off because I want to spend time with him so I wait and wait and wait for nothing only to waste another day of my precious life waiting for someone who clearly doesn't want me to enjoy life with him. He just wants to have me here to clean, cook, have sex, and have someone here when he wants to lay around and be waited on had & foot! By the way, when I try to elaborate all of this to him... then he says that all I do is and complain and see only negative. I told him last night that I do not have a "pause" button that he can push while he goes and enjoys his life then releases me when (as already stated) he wants to lay around. "Get me a soda, bring me a blanket, where's the remote?, rub my feet, blah, blah, blah. Now Cher, get this! Ready? He says (this rolls me!)...I'VE GOT IT MADE AND I'M TOO STUPID TO SEE IT!

Cher, I'm 38 years old. Everyone says I don't look over 30 (love those people!) I'm getting low on those "younger" years of life. I'm not the most beautiful, but I do okay on the attractive side (this derives mostly from compliments from a variation of folks). Point is...I'm sick of wasting away waiting for someone to want to be with me. I have every intention of sticking around because I know he loves me (though he loves himself and his money more) and because my little boy loves it here and at our house in the country and he loves the "idiot" too! SO, instead of leaving all my goodies (and some pretty decent sex!) I'm hanging out here residentially, but I AM getting out of my rut and getting a life; finding hobbies, friends and BETTER things to do while he's being idiolized and adorned by his "boyfriends" and unmistakeably be loving myself MUCH more than I love him...hence forth, giving back EXACTLY what I get from him as far as companionship and emotional support! Hey, if by chance someone comes along the way that, you know, happens to "tickle my fancy" then what the hell... ya know what I mean?

Basically, you are only alone if you choose to be. So choose not to be for your own happiness and fulfillment. Enjoy life, its too short to waste on crap that don't want you! If he calls you, surely answer. But sound happy and excited... not that he called, but that you are busy today, he just isn't in your plans. Show him you are just FINE without him in your life and basically, you just don't have time to be together with him right now because (whether you really do or don't) have plans to do things with YOUR friends today, tomorrow and pretty much all week. Tell him you'll check your social calendar and see if you can pencil him in for a quick lunch or even a quick romp if you so desire. But certainly don't impress him that you'll always be there when he wants you, because that makes him a user and you a loser in every aspect! That's where I messed up. Thought I'd be the good girl that was here when he got home so he didn't have to feel like I was running around or cheating or whatever. I tried too hard to cater and be right by him. It backfired!

Good luck with what you are going through. Eventually, you won't even be able to make yourself cry because truly, he ain't worth the salt in your tears and you have BETTER things to do with your time than cry over his dumb butt!!

Best Wishes... Lisa!

QUOTE OF THE DAY: You receive what you believe, so believe in the best for yourself!

I was just thinking and wondering what everyone else thinks... I've always been a very trusting person, I'v never pry'd or looked too much into anything with relationships.(I believe if they love me and tell me something.. I have no reason not to believe them and that they wouldn't lie to me) but I always end up getting hurt or getting some big news I never saw coming... am I to trusting, should I ask more questions, could certain thing have been prevented it I only I looked more into it?? Any ideas??

There is a HUGE difference to being trusting and blind. It sounds to me as if you are blind. You don't need to interrogate someone but its important to pay attention to things occurring in your relationships. Sometimes we like some one so much that we ignore any red flags that pop up the trick is learning to trust yourself more then anything else and when you see a red flag explore it don't ignore it.

EDIT

BTW how are you doing after that whole debacle? Are you feeling any better?

That line can be hard to define. But if you find them in bed with someone, there is no acceptable answer for instance.

Always trust with your eyes and ears wide open.

I'm still very hurt and confused... I don't know I just hope with time the truth will come out and things will fix themselves, I can't stand to be hurt again like I was

He was a real dirtbag to you Cher13. Take this all in as a learning experience but don't let it make you not trust again. This guy was a great manipulator.

You just have to remember that you can give trust but it has to be maintained. If someone shows you that they can't be trusted remember that don't push it aside. If someone says to you "what you don't trust me?" don't let that manipulate you into trusting them. Someone who is trustworthy is not going to pull that nonsense.

It will get better it just takes time.

Thank you!!

Every time I have acted on my gut I have found something to prove my gut feeling - cheating etc. You have to use rational thought and emotional in trust situations.

I say that you should keep on taking things at face value. If it feels right, it probably is right. If it feels wrong then communicate well & problem solve together. If it continues to feel wrong then you have to start trusting your instincts. At that point it is probably best to discuss ending the relationship as it is apparent that you both need and want different things. As long as you feel you are both working on things together it's worth working on and trusting the other person. However, if you are the only one working on it then it's time to trust yourself - move on and find someone else who shares your values, dreams and beliefs.

Hugs, Didi

i was just thinking and wondering what everyone else thinks....... i've always been a very trusting person, i'v never pry'd or looked to much into anything with relationships.(i belive if they love me and tell me somthing.. i have no reason not to belive them and that they wouldnt lie to me) but i always end up getting hurt or getting some big news i never saw coming...... am i to trusting, should i ask more questions, could certain thing have been prevented it i only i looked more into it???? any ideas???
Things are going to happen regardless of if you make them hard or easy. If you question who your with eventually they will get tiered of your questions and assume you don't trust them and that'll cause many problems. The best thing to do is don't confront them without evidence. If they do something that hurts you let them know. Don't become a detective in the relationship but don't be blind.

I think any guy who has a girlfriend like you, who trusts them and doesn't pry is so lucky, I think its good to be trusting but you still need to ask questions if you don't feel things are right

I feel so sad and upset like my hearts been ripped out and stomped all over... me and my boy friend arnt together anymore, and its because of him hurting me and lying to me and not treating me right, I know I deserve better but I can't come to grips of life without him in it... I refuse to be with a lier and a cheater but why is this so hard?? How can I move on?

I know people say it will get better with time... this is true, but it takes awhile... ive been through something similar with my husband (happening right now.. he's been lying) I've cried I've been mad then I feel numb... trust me start going for walks to try to clear your head... cheating is wrong.. lying about it is worse. Men lie about a lot of things. Its not you its him and don't forget that. I know you love him.. but actions speak louder than words... unless he is willing to get help you should take time for yourself right now... talk to friends and family and get there support... good luck it will get better

K I'm a little conffused about how no contact is suppsoto work, I have just a few qestions if anyone can help answer them it would be a huge help to me... Thanks!

1. does no contact mean not talking to them even if they try to contact you after a while?
Or does it mean not talking to them Until they contact you?

2. do people use no contact as a way to forget and move on or to get the other person to miss you and what not?

3. and finally, does no contact help or hurt your chances of getting back together with the peron(if that's what your trying to acomplish)

To me, no contact means not talking to them until they possibly contact you first. My ex-BF broke up with me earlier this year and to be honest doing the no contact thing has been hard on me. I've been using it as a way to get over him, but I can't help but hope that it will make him miss me in some way (he has a new girlfriend so I know I'm fooling myself). As far as it helping or hurting the chance to get back together, I guess it all depends on how strong the relationship had been and how close the two people involved were as a couple. I hope this helps some.

Hey Cher13

1. It generally means no contact until they contact you. When they do, its your choice whether you want to respond or not.

2. Both. People use it as a way to forget their past AND as an attempt to make the other person miss you. Hopefully with you not around, they will miss you. No contact creates a lot of curiosity making them wonder "what are they doing right now? why aren't they trying to contact me? why are they taking this so well?" Curiosity is compelling and they may well contact you just simply to snoop on what your up to, even if they have no intention of getting back with you.

3. Well it can swing both ways. As a general rule I think no contact is extremely powerful, and it normally helps. When you stick around they know they can have you whenever they want. People want what can't have -- its human nature. They WANT attention. They WANT you to contact them. When you stop, it's a kick in the teeth, and they crave that attention again. You don't know what you have until you have lost it.

Take care

1. does no contact mean not talking to them even if they try to contact you after a while?
Or does it mean not talking to them Until they contact you?Well, it certainly means not talking to them of your own accord, and it also means taking your sweet ol' time getting back to them if they contact you and even then keeping it short and sweet.


2. do people use no contact as a way to forget and move on or to get the other person to miss you and what not?It sometimes can have the effect of making the other person miss you but generally it's used as a way to forget and move on.

3
. And finally, does no contact help or hurt your chances of getting back together with the person(if that's what your trying to acomplish)No contact isn't a tool for getting back together with the person. But your chances are better if you do NC then if you are constantly calling or texting them and bugging them all the time. If they broke up with you, you may feel that you want to get back together with them but remember, it's broke for a reason. Maybe you weren't unhappy in the relationship (at least not yet) but if the other person broke up with you then obviously they were. That being the case, there really isn't much you can do to "fix" the problem. Often two people just aren't compatible with each other and that's that. It's not that there's anything wrong with you or them, you just aren't right for each other. It really isn't fair or reasonable for you to have to "change" who you are so that the other person can be happy with you when they weren't previously. You just need to be who you are and seek out others who will accept you for who and what you are. If you do decide on a little "self-improvement" that's fine but do it for yourself, not to impress someone else.

Is it better to be with the person you love but have a lot of trust issues with or just move on? I'm so conffused right now I love my boyfriend more then anything and everything in the world but a lot has happened where I find it hard to trust him or find myself always questioning to myself what he tells me, I want to be with him he makes me happyer then I'v ever been when he's around but am I ever going to get over these trust issues or should I just try to move on even know it would kill me?

Are you having trouble trusting him because of him or because of you?

Wondergirl brings up a good point. Do you know what is causing you to distrust him? Has he done anything to validate your concerns? Or is there something from your past that makes it hard for you trust him?

You're happy with him for a reason right?

I always felt that if there is a true reason for mistrust it is best to move on (if possible). Trust is HUGE in a relationship, I would say #1. If you have no trust... and a VALID reason (not just insecurity) move on... I think its best for BOTH of you.

I agree with jeffatl. Trust is a huge foundation for a relationship. If he's causing it, and you explained that it bothers you, and he continues doing it, you have to do what's best for yourself.

What you see is what you get. If there were NO trust issues he'd probably not be quite the guy you love so much. The dynamic is based on his actions in your presence. His actions are products of his behavior and what he achieves in response to his behavior. If you change that behavior you'll no longer have the same feelings for him as you now state. Find another you can trust. Trust will outweigh the other by 10 fold but there are people who will never know the difference; their eyes work but their blind and their life will be spent that way.

Wondergirls question has to be answered first.

Cher - Is it your insecurities or has he given you reason?

What if you try to use the NC rule & don't call while you are trying to get over the person, but the person reurfaces and calls repeatedly; mind you are not totally over them. Basically they give you the impression that they ,miss you and "really need to talk", but when you see them nothing has changed?
But you never really get a chance to get over them, and keep thinking "what if" one of the calls could have been sincere, and you ignored it because of all the other times when they resurfaced it didn't mean anything?

No contact just sounds like a silly, immature game people play to some how get the upper hand or try to hurt someone. I just don't get it at all.

No contact just sounds like a silly, immature game people play to some how get the upper hand or try to hurt someone. I just don't get it at all.

I don't use No Contact as a game. I use it to hold on to my sanity. My heart couldn't take it if I called and had to hear how happy he is in his new life. I'd be crushed and trust me I've been crushed enough by this man. I can't say that I don't hope he misses me because I do. We had a strong close bond for many years so not hearing my voice everyday must effect him in someway, so if that causes him to contact me I don't see it as a game I see it as me backing off so he can realize what was really important in his life.

As far as it helping or hurting the chance to get back together, i guess it all depends on how strong the relationship had been and how close the two people involved were as a couple. I hope this helps some.

When she broke up with me after 2 years, the first couple of days, she said that she missed me, but said that we should not get back together because its only been 2 days and that I will get better. To me it sounded as if she was fighting her feelings and hoping that any feelings she had for me will fade away. That really hurt. Since then we have had NC except in class.

I understand that the NC is a way for both people to heal and allowing the other person to miss you since you are not always there like before. Does this possibly hurt any chances of getting back together by giving the appearance that I am over her and moved on? Does this help her move on, since she is trying to fight any feelings she may have?

I may feel like I am digressing and moving backwards, but I am completely at a loss and my concentration/focus is completely shot. I have even wondered if I should contact her close friend, who is also heart broken after having lost her boyfriend. I thought maybe she would relate to me and be able to give me some insight as to what my ex is feeling. I know this is not a good option to do, but I've lost it.

IMO NC means just that. No contact period. You use t when you are trying to get over a person, so the thought that it would help that person miss you and maybe come back to you is kind of silly. That kind of defeats the purpose.

I'm having the same problem. But in my case it was what my boyfriend make me did that affected my trust for him. We are still together. He is trying to earn it back.. its takes A lot of work. From both of you.. can't exspect him to earn back trust if you won't give him a chance to right?

But if you love him you should at least give him the chance to earn his trust(if he made you not trust him)

If its you that can't trust because of the past, trust him until he gives you a reason not to!

GOOD LUCK!

CHER!! Can you hear us?

I don't use No Contact as a game. I use it to hold on to my sanity. My heart couldn't take it if I called and had to hear how happy he is in his new life. I'd be crushed and trust me i've been crushed enough by this man. I can't say that I don't hope he misses me because I do. We had a strong close bond for many years so not hearing my voice everyday must effect him in someway, so if that causes him to contact me I don't see it as a game I see it as me backing off so he can realize what was really important in his life.


I do get that part of it and I’ve done that as well. I’m just always seeing here where people are talking rules of no contact, how to use it to get someone back, etc. What I don’t get is why so many people have questions about it. It’s not about the other person …it’s about you and trying to move on but so many seem to try to make it some kind of a mind game. That part I don’t get.

Yes, the trust issues are because of him, I think I'm way to trusting, then I found out he had a one night stand(a few weeks before we met) and had a kid!! And didn't tell me,I found out by the mother AFTER the kid was born, he only found out 3 months before his son was born though and said he didn't want to tell me cause he didn't want to lose me but ever sense then I'm soooooo confused!

It seems that he himself didn't know about the kid until after the two of you met. And evidently you didn't know each other all that long when he found out. It isn't necessarily reasonable to expect him to pour out his heart to you so soon after meeting you. I really don't think there's a trust issue here. Have you told him all of the details of your personal life yet? I bet the answer is no.

Is this the only thing that has happened to cause a trust issue? Or is there more?

Acutally we were very open I told him everything and I thought he told me the same we were 10 months together before I found out and I forgot to mention that she claimed he was with her the hole time :( relation ship wise and sexualy!

He claime its not true and she's just tryihng to mess with me cause she wants to be with him, but every time he picks up his phone or leaves or I don't talk to him I get all kinds of horable thoughts in my head that he's with her or that I don't mean anything to him... I love him and he says he loves me but how do I trust this?

Oh andddddd I don't think I mentioned were not even together right now!! We broke up when all this happened but never got back together were still pretty much the same towards each other but he won't go back out with me... this is such a mess, am I just an idiot for going through this? I try'd ending it a little bit ago but we ended up missing each other and getting back together unofficialy of course

he claime its not true and she's just tryihng to mess with me cause she wants to be with him, but everytime he picks up his phone or leaves or i dont talk to him i get all kinds of horable thoughts in my head that he's with her or that i dont mean anything to him...... i love him and he says he loves me but how do i trust this?
By his actions... you trust this by his actions :D

I use no contact because I want to get over the person more quick and move onto with my life, not in the hope they will miss me enough to want to get back together because what would be the point of that if you broke up in the first place?

Well I finally used NC to get over my ex. Its starting to work now : )

I still have some hope that she may get in contact with me one day. But as time flys I realise what we had wasn't all that great and she treated me pretty bad plus I was too FULL ON!

Without my relationship I honestly wouldn't be the person I am today, my outlook on life has completely changed.

Originally I was going to say maybe you just have trust issues that you need to deal with... but then I read the last post saying he had a kid and never told you... that is a big deal. That makes me wonder what else he isn't telling you. Trust to me in like the #1 one thing in relationships... it can make or break you. If he is giving you reasons to NOT trust him... you'll probably never be able to. But if he is genuinly honest with you and this is the only thing he lied to you about (which is still pretty major I think) maybe it's issues you need to deal with and it really has nothing to do with him. You should tell him that you won't tolerate lying and to make sure there aren't any more dirty secrets he didn't tell you about... if this is it... and you really love him... then you have issues you yourself need to work on.

yes, the trust issues are because of him, i think i'm way to trusting, then i found out he had a one night stand(a few weeks befor we met) and had a kid!!!!! and didnt tell me,i found out by the mother AFTER the kid was born, he only found out 3 months befor his son was born tho and said he didnt want to tell me cause he didnt want to lose me but ever sense then i'm soooooo confused!

It seems to me that your boyfriend sounds like he is just using you. He knows that you are easy to convince and the longer he lies and you and you believe him, the harder it's going to be to for you to get over him. I think you should leave him asap. He is not worth your time and there are heaps of other guys out there who are more trusting. Time to leave him, move on and then one day you will meet your prince charming :D

Thank you all

Withholding can be just as destructive as lying so they can be equated in this instance. Plus, he has a whole bunch of crap in his past that you will keep dealing with and dealing with. Make him work for you, break it off with him and see his actions afterwards but from a distance. Good luck.

I know this is kinds longer but can you please please please read it and let me know what you think?? I'm soooo LOST!

So I have had A lot of problems with my boyfriend of 2 years... he has a child with another woman who has always told me they are together but he denises everything and says she's crazy blah blah blah... anyway we have been working thur our problems and trust issues but we fight so much about anything and everything to do with this child and him going to see the child... I don't mind what so ever him going to see this child as long as he's honest about going there (hes lied before in the past) but with this woman saying there together still and in a relationship I'm constenly worryed and sick that any of this is true so we fight and fight and fight and when we fight he's awful to me he calls me every bad name in the book tells me I'm fat and a stalker and useless and how he hates me and will never marry me... so here's my question whens enough enough? When things between us are good there REALLY good but when there bad there REALLY bad and it's a 50/50 battel... will this ever get better or has 2 years of this crap just broken us? Should I leave? I'm just so worryd I won't find anyone with a connection like I have with him and how deeply I love him!! PLEASE help!

Oh ps... I've caught him there quite a few times when he claimed to be some where else... then claims it was to see his son so I can never get mad... or can I?

I think you answered your question... this is enough. The man has a child... he has an issue with telling you the truth and he doesn't appear to know how to give you a full, happy relationship. You can either walk away (which you don't sound ready to do) or you can tell him that if he plans to be with you.. he needs to take further steps to be 100% with you. He will always have that child.. so the child and the child's mother aren't going away. You have to accept that and he has to make it as stress free for you as he can. He doesn't sound capable of that.

I think its enough. You don't sound happy. Remember... Love is suppose to be wonderful. I received a fortune in a cookie the other night... guess I'll share it with you... it says:

Meaningful relationships bring meaning to life

I don't see how this is bringing meaning to your life. I don't see how this is making you happier than you were before him. Take time to yourself. He has a lot of growing up to do.

I know its painful... hang in there. Hope I helped a little... you're not alone in feeling pain.

You said it yourself, this is a 50 / 50 relationship so why not say for 12 hours of the day, your miserable the other 12 your happy, or your happy for 188 days (you can be happier one more day) of the year and then miserable for the other 187... like I don't foresee that as a good thing and not being honest with each other is the biggest flaw in a relationship, if you love him and want to make it work do it, but it seems like your bending and bending for him, he's not doing the same for you.

Hope this helps you, I'll try to be in touch. Have a good thanksgiving.

I agree with everyone here. It sounds like you answered your own question. Enough is enough. Either he is lying to you or you don't trust him, and both of those scenarios are bad. If he's lying about going to see his kid though, that most likely means there's something else going on that you don't know about. I would get rid of him for all these reasons.

This sounds to me like an abusive relationship which you need to get yourself out of. As everyone else has said, you need to get yourself out of it.

A good question that you might ask yourself is why you are attracted to a man like this. From experience, I've learned that people tend to repeat behaviour patterns and get themselves into the same situations over and over. Is there something in your past that attracts you to such abuse? Did your father treat your mother this way? Were your ex-boyfriends like this?

If not, then get yourself out of there because this may just be a one time thing.

If so, get yourself out of there and break that pattern of behaviour.

Please, please, please get yourself out of that situation. It's incredibly destructive.

Take a look in the mirror and ask yourself this same question. When you look in the mirror, what do you see? A beautiful person, someone with so much to offer and so much goodness to spread. You don't deserve to be in a relationship like this. Start your life over, with people that really love you being around you. Make a change, because you deserve it! Good luck, and happy Thanksgiving.

should I leave?
Yes, you should definitely remove yourself from this situation. It is unhealthy and abusive and your suffering because of it.

I'm just so worryd I won't find anyone with a connection like I have with him
There are a lot of good guys out there so don't let fear of being alone, keep you in misery and pain with these selfish, abusive psychos, him and the ex.


How deeply I love him!
Ain't that much love in the world to give up your dignity and self respect and happiness, for misery pain, and disrespect.

They are both slowly destroying you, so yes, leave ASAP, and leave them to their own problems, and give you a chance to deal with yours, through leaving a bad, unhealthy, situation, and healing from the abuse.

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Just so we know how long she has been going through this drama. What I see is, things getting worse, not better. He is doing little to show love, just the opposite.

Cher13, the only thing worse than staying with a man like this for one more day, is staying with him for the day after that! Get yourself out now while you still have some dignity!

Thank you all for your advice I feel stronger listening to it...
I left him... I have before though and when I do it goes through a pattern of him saying so what you're a fat stupid blah blah blah I never wanted you or would never marry you your just a mistake the we go a day of not talking and he starts texting me small talk asking if id like to hang out as if nothing happened then I address the problem he says he's sorry he never meant anything he's going to try and he loves me so much blah blah blah then a few days were back where we started... I do NOT want to follow that pattern again! I don't call or text but when he texts or calls me I feel weak and want to/do answer I tell him I'm moving on from your abuse and I want no contact with you but he just keeps texting/calling till I answer and feel sad enough to accept his appoligy... how do I stop this?!

Don't give in. if he calls or texts you, just ignore him. Don't talk to him for anything. Look where it's gotten you in the past

thank you all for your advice i feel stronger listening to it....
i left him... i have befor tho and when i do it goes thru a pattern of him saying so what your a fat stupid blah blah blah i never wanted you or would never marry you your just a mistake the we go a day of not talking and he starts texting me small talk asking if id like to hang out as if nothing happened then i address the problem he says hes sorry he never ment anything he's gonna try and he loves me so much blah blah blah then a few days were back where we started... i do NOT want to follow that pattern again! i dont call or text but when he texts or calls me i feel weak and want to/do answer i tell him im moving on from your abuse and i want no contact with you but he just keeps texting/calling till i answer and feel sad enough to accept his appoligy... how do i stop this?!?!?!?!?

He can't contact you, and you won't see it, if you block his number. Block everything, so there are no reminders, and no temptation! Stay away from places he goes. You CAN get him out of your life if you are serious about doing it.

I have had a real rollercoaster with a break up... but this time I was dumped by the same person I've decided to give the No Contact a real effort... so far... its really working. My mind isn't racing about what they're doing... I am more able to focus on me and my enjoyment. The first few days... or week were absolute agony... but you can do it. You deserve more.

ENOUGH. Every woman deserves to be treated like a princess. Every woman deserves respect. Every woman should be happy and you are not. Get out. You stay with this guy because you are worried you won't find someone else, but you're wrong. You will. And next time look for someone that will look at you an only want to make you happy 100% of the time. Don't settle for less, you deserve more.

Get rid off him, the lady is probably telling the truth that's why he doesn't tell you that he's going to see his son. And he's being mean to you because he knows that he is doing wrong...