I have met a lad, who I thought was similar to me and from a similar background. We started dating about a week ago. I have discovered that he is from a similar background and we share a lot in common. But one major difference is sex. I am an 19 year old virgin. He is a 22 year old who is lets say rather experienced. He says he respects my views and will wait until I feel ready, but he will find it hard. I appreciate he will wait and suggests that maybe there is more to it than just sex. Yet he keeps sending me messages saying he has a high sex drive or he's horny and needs to go for a run, or asks me back to his after a night out. I just feel that even if he does respect me that in his own way he is trying to make me feel bad and in a way pressurising me? Or do you think I'm being paranoid?

All I really want to know is, what is it with lads and sex? I really don't want to get involved in a relationship that revolves around sex, as I would like to feel there is more to it? Does this sound like its heading the just for sex way? I'm scared that ill lose him if I make him wait, as I do like him, but I can't help but wonder if I should be into someone who sounds highly sex mad?

Please can anyone help me, I really need to hear opinions and suggestions for what I could do!

Yeah, he is trying to get you into bed... no doubt about it. I'm a 45 year old guy and I remember all too well the mindset of a young guy.

Stay true to what YOU want to do, don't do it because he wants to, only if and when YOU want to.

I'd avoid his place so you won't be alone and subject to his pressure or worse. He will try to make you feel bad, try to pressure you or like I said worse. It doesn't mean he will do that, but the possibility always exists.

If you lose him over making him wait then the odds are you would have lost him anyway. If he respects you he will not constantly pressure you. He might shoot you a subtle hint every so often, but if you hear it several times every time you see time then he is more into getting you into bed, than getting to know you. I'm leaning towards the former since he is pushing you so hard to get into bed after only a week.

I'll bet he will try the old cock, and bull story about blue balls and how its going to make him sick or hurt so bad if he doesn't get off with you. If he tries that one throw him out the front door. It's a total lie. Blue balls is nothing more than a little frustrating and he can take care of himself later when he's alone if his drive is so high.

I understand all you are saying and really appreciate it thank you. I just cannot work him out, because although he is trying, he said he does respect my views and he finds it difficult because he's not used to it being that way, apaarently at uni you sleep with someone and then get to know them. But he also says to me that he likes the fact I'm innocent and he finds it cute, and that he likes me because I'm a true lady and they are very rare. He is really confusing, yet I still like him!

He's sweet talking you... he keeps trying to talk you into bed, he tries to explain how everyone else does it... then he tries to sweet talk you to get you to change your mind. He is trying to appeal to your vanity so to speak.

Be careful with this guy. I know his type well. He's a smooth talker and tries to tell you what you want to hear to get you in bed. He likes the challenge of deflowering a virgin.


Sorry but his pressuring, then his sweet talking is raising all kinds of bells and whistles with me. Saw way too much of this while I was growing up. And I've seen this done to far too many nice women. If he's been banging that many women that's where his mindset is and its not going to be with settling down with a nice woman and raising a family.

Thanks for you help smoothy, you have been absolutely wonderful!
Maybe I've made a mistake getting involved, and maybe I just need to leave it alone now!
I find it really hard to understand men though. If he wants sex so bad, why would he choose a virgin who is inexperienced, why doesn't he just go for those more experienced type, so at least he could possibly get pleasure from it!
I think it all clicks now, a while ago he said to me that people see him as arrogant and the type to get around, he tried to assure me he wasn't like that and just needed someone like me to make him secure and like him for who he really was.. maybe that was just to prepare me for what I might hear from others. But the thing is I've only ever heard positive things about him and he's been in a few long term relationships that have lasted a while, but maybe those girls are different from me. Plus I guess he won't tell me what he got up to at uni!
I find it so hard to believe that someone can be so deceiving when they appear to be perfect and come from a lovely background and things!
Thanks for your help... I guess its make my mind up time for me now!

he says he respects my views and will wait until i feel ready, but he will find it hard. Hello ice:

No doubt he does... ;)

Your guy is no different than ANY guy. YOU wanting him to love YOU, and not just for sex, is no different than ANY other chick.

But at 19, you've held out longer than most. That's pretty good. But, it IS time for you to make up your mind - or not. If you want to, go for it. If you don't - don't.

excon

excon - you could really help me here... are you saying that what I've said sums up a lot of lads? What is your opinion, I'm really interested. I need help I've never been in a relationship before! Do you think that lads can be obsessed with sex and want it a lot, yet still love the girl for who she is and want to be with her cause he loves her and not just for sex? Please get back on this one, you could really help! =)

thanks for you help smoothy, you have been absolutely wonderful!
maybe ive made a mistake getting involved, and maybe i just need to leave it alone now!
i find it really hard to understand men though. If he wants sex so bad, why would he choose a virgin who is inexperienced, why doesnt he just go for those more experienced type, so at least he could possibly get pleasure from it!
i think it all clicks now, a while ago he said to me that people see him as arrogant and the type to get around, he tried to assure me he wasnt like that and just needed someone like me to make him secure and like him for who he really was..maybe that was just to prepare me for what i might hear from others. but the thing is ive only ever heard positive things about him and hes been in a few long term relationships that have lasted a while, but maybe those girls are different from me. plus i guess he wont tell me what he got upto at uni!
i find it so hard to believe that someone can be so deceiving when they appear to be perfect and come from a lovely background and things!
thanks for your help...i guess its make my mind up time for me now!Some of these guys that get laid so easy find the challenge of bedding a virgin enticing. These clown look at it as a knotch on their belt. I once had a roommate like that. He broke up his best friends marriage by enticing his wife into bed and eventually got caught. Then he got one of his string of virgin conquests pregnant, she didn't listen to my warning before that happened. They ended up divorced since he never changed.

Personally everyone has a learning curve when they are beginning, so don't worry about that. Its expected. Is an experienced woman better than a virgin in bed... yes... but like I said, the challenge to be the first matters more to these guys. They don't care who they hurt as long as they get laid.

These guys learn to be very persuasive. That's how they get around so frequently with so many people.

I credit you for listening and being willing to see things as they are... not as you wish they were.

do you think that lads can be obsessed with sex and want it alot, yet still love the girl for who she is Hello again, ice:

Sure! Is that what's happening here?? I don't know. Lot's of girls would think it IS, so they give in, and wait for the phone to ring... Most times, it won't.

Then there's the girl, who turns down a guy, who WOULD call, but won't now. Timing is everything.

You want to get it right the first time. That's wonderful... However, when it comes to relationships, most of us NEVER get it right.

excon

Thank you to you both. I just need that advice to get to know how lads play around with girls. He obviously has realised I have idea at all so he me wrapped around his little finger. But what he doesn't know is that no one would ever win me round into bed, unless I felt happy and wanted to do that. Maybe I'm being a little too paranoid, maybe he is genuinely a nice guy and loves me who I am and really will wait (but why send me messages saying he is horny and then ask me if I feel uncomfortablr talking about sex) I think I have this guy sussed out, as the title says, I just wanted to hear others advice! But thanks I think the decision is pretty clear in my eyes, he is one to avoid!

Well traveled women make better lays, but I find virgins make better wives. You only have to live up to her expectations... not compete against every man she ever knew. Plus they tend to make a more loyal partner.

Keep true to yourself. You will find a guy that appreciates you the way you are, and for who you are.

I just thought id inform you, and to anyone else who may be reading this thinking that they may be in a similar situation... this guy sent me a text whilst at a party saying "im surrounded by stunning birds, but all i can think of is you" perhaps he is trying to be nice, but to me that is no way of going about it!
ALSO be careful, later this night, I had been out, I had been drinking. When I met up with him he knew that and TRIED to take advantage of me, by saying come back to mine, I refused. So he then text me saying lets have a really dirty conversation... I never replied!
People may think I am naïve as I have never been in a relationship, so they obviously think they can win me round very quickly. But I am not green, I would need jump into bed with anyone!
Another tactic I have discovered is the makign you feel guilty one... he said he liked spending time with me, he sent me a text saying please come to mine, so we can just talk. OK I might be being paranoid, but too me I took this as if he is saying because talking is all you will allow (as I refuse sex)

For those who know players? If this signs that I have picked up on with your help? If so I hope people who read this will learn something from it!

You live and you learn, inexperienced I may be, and slightly hurt by the way he has treated me and what he is trying to do to me, when he seems such a genuinely nice lad, I am now a little more experienced and will hopefully be able to pick up on other players I n the future. But to all women listening to this, go with what your heart tells you, I had doubts about this guy and its proved that these doubts are real! Don't be fooled, if you don't feel safe or comfortable don't make the mistake and think oh it won't hurt if I just sleep with him, YOU WILL REGRET IT!

I think you need to leave this guy alone. He is trying his darndest to get you in bed and is doing by trying to make you jealous. He is more into what's under your dress than you yourself, otherwise he would not be getting it someplace else and then telling you about it.
Leave him, he's not worth it and he's not the one.

If you don't have a sn that implies your gender, could you start your posts by stating your gender? I originally read this post and thought you were a gay guy, which is apparently false. Answers for gays and straight are far different.

I agree with homegirl on this one. He's trying to get you in the sack, and that seems to be it. Also, you think he was trying to take advantage of you (if he were drunk, too, he was probably not actively being a creep). I don't think a relationship can work between you because of that. Whether he tried to take advantage of you is not important, the fact that you think he did (and rightfully so) means there's not enough trust between you.

If I know he is such bad news, and when I haven't even known him all that long, does the thought of ending it and losing him still really break my heart?

I don't know if it breaks your heart or not, only you know that. But you've not known him that long so I don't know why it would. You don't know him.

I just feel sad that's all!

I'm sure it does, but you will get over it and you will meet someone else and my feel sad again. That's life. You live and learn.
But I'll tell you, you stay a virgin until you are ready and make sure it is with someone who loves and respects you. There are guys out there that will.
I was a virgin until I got married. I was 23. I dated my husband for 4 years. He did not try to make me jealous or feel bad because I would not have sex with him.
We became very good friends in that 4 year time because we knew each other on many levels outside of sex.
You will be fine. He' 's not the only boy out there and you deserve better. Besides you don't want some guy that's been dippin his wick ant and everywhere.
I wish you well.

Thanks so much for the kind words and good advice. I may be naïve when it comes to relationships, but I respect my body and I'm a true lady. I will not tolerate sex addicts who want nothing but sex! And I hope others will learn from this post!

Don't take it personal. He was not after you, but what's under your dress. Some guys don't see you as a person, but as a vagina. You're a smart girl. There are guys out there that will respect you and the gift that you have. Hang in there young lady.

Well I think you're being a little harsh here.. "sex addicts who want nothing but sex"... I'd go with excon on this one - he's just an average 22 yr old guy, you said you were 'dating', which means you're more than just friends, that there's some sexual attraction. I wouldn't find it unreasonable to expect a 22 yr old guy to want sex with his girlfriend.

Maybe he does like you, and genuinely thinks that sex is no big deal, and doesn't really understand why you would refuse to have sex. Maybe he thinks that the 'waiting' means more or less 'not having sex on the first date' (which, he would imagine, means 'having sex on the second date')

And of course he might be the 'deflowering virgins' type. But you can't really know. You're right about uni - he's probably used to a different approach to sex and relationships.

To make a long story short... he might be a bad guy, or he might be a good guy, but if he's making you uncomfortable and feeling bad about the whole thing - and he doesn't mind you feeling uncomfortable, or doesn't realise that he's creeping you out, well, then the whole relationship is not going to work.

Goodness gracious.

If he was NOT trying to get in your pants I'd be worried.
Sorry. But the fact is, that does not work for you, so just be friends.
You HAVE to be yourself. It's OK. Just don't single him out as a bad guy.

I think he likes you and is also attracted to you, but I would not make this
Into a public flogging. If he had no interest in your sexually at 22, do you think
You might be a little worried? Feel unattractive?

I, of course, would not recommend sleeping with him, because that's not where
You are at - but I don't think he is a bad guy. Just be clear that you are not into that
Right now, or maybe until marriage. You may lose him, but be honest...

I would not call a guy who sees that you've had too much to drink and then invites you to his house (especially if he knows your stance on sex) a nice guy.
He is a 22 year old guy with sex on the brain. He is not interested in you, but what's under your dress. And being "just friends" with him is not going to change that. Leave old boy alone. He's not the one for you.

"He is not interested in you, but what's under your dress." - why can't it be both? That's what 'dating' between adults is about, really. And she did mention dating.

I'm 100% with Ash on this one.

"He is not interested in you, but what's under your dress." - why can't it be both? that's what 'dating' between adults is about, really. and she did mention dating.

im 100% with Ash on this one.
If you are dating someone who knows you are not into sex, and if you are into sex, you either respect her and deal with it (and that does not mean you try and make her jealous or make her feel guilty) or you say "sorry I can't do this"
She did mention dating, but she also said dating with no sex. So you either don't do the sex or leave the girl, but you don't play mind games. That is what dating between adults is. You respect the boundaries or you move on.

What doe she do for school or work?
What are his friends like?
Is he a convicted felon? :-)

This is so melodramatic.
He's been called "sex mad" "sex on the brain" "sex addict" -
I'd simply call him 22 and a guy...

If you want the pope - break up NOW... YES, he wants to sleep with you.


Anyway, clearly you two are on different pages. But if you can handle his overtures for a while, keep going. If you want him to not think of sex or make any moves - stop the dating now...

The answer is YES, he has sexual interest in you.

I am not ready to label him a jerk yet though.

tonight this guy text me again. Its made me wonder...

he was out last night with a bunch of girls "stunning birds" as he called them. He asked me if I had had a good night. I said not really because I didn't. He said he didn't either because he was with a bunch of fake girls who were obbessed with image and money. He said they were obviously unhappy even if they are falsely pretty (barbie style) and he said that if image is everything it means you are insecure. He also said that all that matters to him is what is on the inside and personality. I agreed with him as that is genuinely what matters to me, do you reckon he's sweet talking me?

I'm not here to cause arguments. I'm a 19 year old inexperienced girl. I need advice, I value all your opinions very much.

what it is though is this guy has such a good background and from the way he speaks sometimes he seems so nice, but then others he doesn't. I'm not saying he's a bad person, all I'm trying to find out is if its normal to be that obbessed with sex, maybe it is as some of you think. I'm not defending anyone, I'm just interested to hear what everybody has to say.

so what do you think to tonights conversation I had wit him?

and in all honesty when his mate was trying to get me to go to his, the guy I'm sort of dating was saying don't push her, she doesn't want to, so I'm some ways I think he does understand, but I don't want to waste his time if he thinks give it a few weeks and ill get her in bed, because he won't!

This guy has been to uni and got himself a good degree. He went into a job but didn't like it, so is now applying for the police, he works with me in a clothes shop part time.

His mates influence him from what I can see, he always looks at them before he acts and his mates are a BAD influence from what I can see

Look, just tell him you LOVE kissing (or whatever you do?)
And being friends, but you are not planning to sleep with anyone right now.

DO YOU MAKE HIM FEEL SPECIAL IN OTHER WAYS?

Do you do things other girls don't?
Athletic?
Super fun?
Are you smarter?
Prettier?
Make gifts?
Laugh and make more jokes?
Cook?
More adventurous?
Anything intimate you like that he does too?
What is your bond?

This is not just a one-way street. He has to work and so do you.
I am glad you see he is not some sex-addict jerk... But I think you have to be
Yourself and he has to respect that... Which, you seem to enjoy so far...

Then you need to talk to him. Tell him you don't appreciate what he has been doing. He either accepts it or he doesn't. You' would have told him how you feel and he can deal with it the way he wants.

.. Me, I'd leave him alone. Any guy who is so easily swayed by his friends (ones that are a bad influence to begin with) is not one you want to deal with. That's a red flag.

Sounds to me like it's not just being 19 - it's also that this guy is not together yet.
A cop and a part-time clothes shop worker is a bit of a work in progress.
Yes, take your time... boys will be boys... you can be a girl, as long as he is a gentleman, have fun dating. I don't think he's a total jerk - but he is immature.

Goodness gracious.

If he was NOT trying to get in your pants i'd be worried.
Sorry. But the fact is, that does not work for you, so just be friends.
You HAVE to be yourself. It's ok. just don't single him out as a bad guy.

I think he likes you and is also attracted to you, but I would not make this
into a public flogging. If he had no interest in your sexually at 22, do you think
you might be a little worried? Feel unattractive?

I, of course, would not recommend sleeping with him, because that's not where
you are at - but I don't think he is a bad guy. Just be clear that you are not into that
right now, or maybe until marriage. You may lose him, but be honest....

Problem is from her discussion everything this guy says and does is all about getting her in bed, not building a relationship. I'm a guy and I pegged that guy from the get-go as a player. And as a guy I am not afraid to speak out on it. I've seen too many girls I was going after over the years, fall for a smooth talker lke him, and end up feeling like trash when he knocked her up or tossed her aside when he wanted fresh meat. I've known women who have suffered for years as a result of this callous treatment after being suckered into believing by sleeping with him they would win his heart when all he was after was to get laid and moved on when they bored of her or found new meat to chase after.

There are good guys out there. And they aren't hard to spot or find.

For now, have fun, and yes, hold on the your virginity.

So far, it doesn't sound like he's the one right now... for your "big day"...

OK guys. I know this post its going on a lot and I CANNOT express how grateful I am to all of you for your help! You have all been great, I've taken all your advice into account and I've acted upon what I thought was best... JUST WAIT FOR THIS:

I text the lad and told him that I needed to speak to him about us two, and asked to meet him not at his house but a pub for example to chat. He texts back saying this doesn't sound good. If you won't come to my house you say it over text. Deep down I would have preferred to do that anyway but I thought it would have shown more respect doing it in person. So off I went with the text...

"ive thought long and hard about us and where we are heading. i have come to the decision that it would be best if we could just remain mates, as we are very different people who are after different things within a relationship. i do like you and i do hope we can stay good friends with no hard feelings. however i am being honest as i do not wish to continue dating when i feel that it is not really going to progress given the situation and different views. im sorry and hopefully speak to you soon"

His reply: "we must go our separate ways"

My reply: "that is fine, i hope you do not think i am being funny, i am just being honest with you. i hope we can still be friends!"

His reply: "dont ever text me again, i have my mates and YOU will never be ONE!"

I THINK THIS SUMS THE GUY UP QUITE CLEARLY!

Basically that's his way of saying you don't give me sex I don't give you anything, so now he will move on to his next target and some poor girl will get roped into what I have had to deal with. I feel very sorry for her and just hope she has the intuition to realise that he is a loser. That last text he sent me upset me so much, not because I've got away from him, I'm happy about that, but because I have done nothing wrong and there is no reason why we cannot be friends. I was physically shaking with fear, as I have to face this guy in work now!

Please girls that read this, do no be fooled by sweet talk. I'm not dissing lads, I KNOW there are nice lads out there, but a lot are users, they want you for sex and nothing else. If you get just one thing from this girls BE CAREFUL, DON'T LET A LAD TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU!

Thanks again everyone!

Ok, I think you are 100% correct. BUT at 22, asking a guy to just be friends is not going to work... Hormones are raging. He does not need another "mate" - it's insulting to many... So, don't treat him like the devil. Just let it go. Lesson learned.

Now, that said. I think you did the right thing by being yourself. Find a nice guy, but please don't think he's sex crazy if he makes a move... But you may find a guy who is patient for years too... if you are super special to each other.

Do you think he will eventually come round in work then, and possibly speak to me again so. I'm not saying I wanted to be like best buddies with him, but I do not think there is any need to handle it the way he did. I obviously still like him, I was devastate by his reply. I just don't want awkwardness in work. I see your opinion though. There is nothing wrong with liking sex, but when it rules of a relationship you must see my point of view that I am looking for someone to love me for who I am. I'm not saying he is a bad person, its just we were obviously not a good match!

His ego was bruised because you called it off. He'll get over it, but don't expect to be friends with him. He may not go there. He doesn't sound like the kind of guy who is into platonic friendships with females.

Just treat him the same as anyone else at work. No better or worse. He'll get over it. I don't know what country you are in but I'm Guessing Australia, or New Zealand, Possibly the UK based on your apparent dialect.

Here in the USA once you make it clear you have no interest in them if the continue to pursue particularly in a work environment you have grounds for sexual harassment. But most countries do not have such workplace protection laws.

I NEED SOME MORE HELP PLEASE

Since I ended the dating with this guy, he has physically shaken me up to a nervous wreck. After the replies he sent me, I've never been the same since. I'm constantly worrying about what's going to happen when I go to work on Saturday and he will be there. Last night he was messaging me telling me that everyone in works hates me because he thinks I am a bunny boiler (for starters I don't even know what one is, and from what I gather from my friends I am the complete opposite) my friends have said you couldn't get a much more geuninely nice and polite and stable person than me. This guy is saying horrendous things to me. I think what I can't deal with is the fact that I know he dislikes me and thinks I'm in the wrong, but at the end of the day I've done nothing wrong, I just put him in his place and told him it wouldn't work. I know you will come across people in life that dislike you, but when you have been quite close to someone, I find it hard to deal with. I just want to be able to go to work without worry, I've actually been sick with worry today. I'm just starting university as well and I should be out enjoying myself with all my friends, yet he has disturbed me so much and knocked my confidence that I just spend all my time in and I already found trust a hard thing but now I don't even want to meet anyone new girls or boys, I just can't bring myself to talk to people or look happy because inside I feel so depressed and so hurt and petrified of work! Please help me!

If you was in the USA save those text messages... they can possible constitute stalking.

I'd talk with the authorities if I was you. THere are local laws that might apply here. In the USA there definitely is.

Thank god you didn't actually sleep with him... you can now clearly see what sort of scum he really is.

I would talk to someone about what he is doing and also document it. He maybe just bluffung. He sounds like a realt butt-hole and by talking he is showing everyone what a jerk he is. But save the texts show them to someone so you will have someone to back you up. Don't have anything else to do with him.