whydididothat
Sep 11, 2007, 11:39 AM
A year and a half ago I was deployed to Iraq and while I was there I developed a physical relationship with a girl who was there. After returning home my wife found out about it and we tried to work on our marriage. We went about it all the wrong ways and ended up 6 months later separated. It's now been 5 months since we separated and I have yet to let go... My wife has filed for divorce and has moved on to a new boyfriend and new life. We have two kids together so we will never be able to get the other one completely out of our lives.
All fine and dandy... I just need to learn to move on like she has... right?
Catch is once every two weeks or so she will call me and tell me she misses me or whatever... She will ask me to come over and try to work on our relationship... Every time it ends with her telling me she doesn't love me and I need to leave... but every time something goes further... It starts as kissing and hugging to making out to making love to me spending a few nights at her house... but like I said it always ends... She goes and runs back to her boyfriend (who yeah she is still with... ) In the end she will tell me that she doesn't have feelings for me that she is in love with her boyfriend and only misses the relationship that we had together and not me... I'm a fool who is in love with her... I will do anything to get her back but I keep getting hurt more and more each time... I listen to the advice from everyone to include my friends, her friends and even her parents... and they are all the same... Just stay away from her to keep from hurting myself...
I don't know what to do anymore... Now this week her boyfriend is out of town and she wants me to come over to see if there is anyway that she can find the feelings for me without feeling the need to kick me out and call him over... I don't condone this because she hates me for cheating on her... but technically now she is the one cheating on her boyfriend... I know what I did was wrong... Everyone tries to use me being in Iraq as an emotional excuse for it... I do accept that it was a different type of cheating but I don't use it as an excuse... I have learned from what I did and have made myself a better man because of it... I say it was a different type of cheating because it wasn't like I had a choice to go home to my wife or be with another girl... I would have never chose anyone over my wife... I think the world of her and hate myself for letting my depression and physical desires take over me... I love her with all of my heart and can't even picture myself with another woman then her...
Lastly... It not only confuses me but her dad too (I work with her dad and he often pulls me to the side to talk to me about the situation... he's overly involved in our lives but has always been... sometimes I wish they would but its also nice to know someone who is going to automatically support her giving me advice on what to do)... but anyway... She isn't hiding the fact that I come over to her boyfriend... (she doesn't tell him what happens) but he knows that I come over to work on our relationship... and he knows this happens over and over every few weeks... why is he even putting up with that? He has nothing to lose... They've been together a few months... I have 7 years and 2 kids with her... THAT'S why I keep trying... I just don't understand...
I guess I have a few questions...
Do I keep trying with her and getting hurt only to hope that one day she will finally ditch the boyfriend and come back to me?
How do I make her truly realize that I have changed and my actions were not me but just a form of depression and emotional pains of being in Iraq?
What am I supposed to do when I am with her? How do I help her uncover the feelings that she used to have for me? I refuse to believe that she has no feelings for, but believe that they are just covered by anger, pain, and her new boyfriend...
I feel like she is using him as an escape to having to deal with getting over her pain... I have told her a million times how much I care for her... She tells me the KNOWS I am sorry for what I did... she KNOWS I regret it... and she even told me that she believes I have changed... but... why aren't we still togther then?
All fine and dandy... I just need to learn to move on like she has... right?
Catch is once every two weeks or so she will call me and tell me she misses me or whatever... She will ask me to come over and try to work on our relationship... Every time it ends with her telling me she doesn't love me and I need to leave... but every time something goes further... It starts as kissing and hugging to making out to making love to me spending a few nights at her house... but like I said it always ends... She goes and runs back to her boyfriend (who yeah she is still with... ) In the end she will tell me that she doesn't have feelings for me that she is in love with her boyfriend and only misses the relationship that we had together and not me... I'm a fool who is in love with her... I will do anything to get her back but I keep getting hurt more and more each time... I listen to the advice from everyone to include my friends, her friends and even her parents... and they are all the same... Just stay away from her to keep from hurting myself...
I don't know what to do anymore... Now this week her boyfriend is out of town and she wants me to come over to see if there is anyway that she can find the feelings for me without feeling the need to kick me out and call him over... I don't condone this because she hates me for cheating on her... but technically now she is the one cheating on her boyfriend... I know what I did was wrong... Everyone tries to use me being in Iraq as an emotional excuse for it... I do accept that it was a different type of cheating but I don't use it as an excuse... I have learned from what I did and have made myself a better man because of it... I say it was a different type of cheating because it wasn't like I had a choice to go home to my wife or be with another girl... I would have never chose anyone over my wife... I think the world of her and hate myself for letting my depression and physical desires take over me... I love her with all of my heart and can't even picture myself with another woman then her...
Lastly... It not only confuses me but her dad too (I work with her dad and he often pulls me to the side to talk to me about the situation... he's overly involved in our lives but has always been... sometimes I wish they would but its also nice to know someone who is going to automatically support her giving me advice on what to do)... but anyway... She isn't hiding the fact that I come over to her boyfriend... (she doesn't tell him what happens) but he knows that I come over to work on our relationship... and he knows this happens over and over every few weeks... why is he even putting up with that? He has nothing to lose... They've been together a few months... I have 7 years and 2 kids with her... THAT'S why I keep trying... I just don't understand...
I guess I have a few questions...
Do I keep trying with her and getting hurt only to hope that one day she will finally ditch the boyfriend and come back to me?
How do I make her truly realize that I have changed and my actions were not me but just a form of depression and emotional pains of being in Iraq?
What am I supposed to do when I am with her? How do I help her uncover the feelings that she used to have for me? I refuse to believe that she has no feelings for, but believe that they are just covered by anger, pain, and her new boyfriend...
I feel like she is using him as an escape to having to deal with getting over her pain... I have told her a million times how much I care for her... She tells me the KNOWS I am sorry for what I did... she KNOWS I regret it... and she even told me that she believes I have changed... but... why aren't we still togther then?