So I've read 100's of questions and their answers on here, and while they helped I figured I would throw my own story out here. I guess I already know what the answers are going to be but it might feel nice to type the story out one last time.

We dated for 10 months, lived together for last 3-4. It was the best 10 months I've had (well the first 9) in a long long time. There was never a problem, no fights etc. She was so infatuated with me that I was worried what would happen if I ever had to break up with her. 2 months ago, she gets a new job working at a warehouse, and within a week becomes slightly distant. I hope its something else, but I slowly get the signs that she's losing interest. We go on a vacation on the long weekend, and she's on her phone texting her 'aunt' all weekend, and guarding her phone with her life. We come back, and the next morning her phone rings while she's in the shower, I take a look and I'm blown away by the message I see. Its from someone she works with telling her that he has the 'hotel room' booked for sept something or other weekend. Curiosity gets the best of me, and there's a couple other from this guy leaving no doubt about what's happening.

I confront her about it and she lies for a good 3 hours (man she's good), crying saying she wasn't going to go through with it, how she was going to tell him to screw off, how he's disgusting etc. Seriously 3 hours. I tell her that she has to move home for a while as I'm pretty hurt by how far it made it anyway. We part somewhat amicably, but the next night she sends me a text saying 'i want to come home so bad baby' and another one 'I think I'm ready to do anything to prove how much I love you'. She then 'proves' it by not answering her phone after work nor coming home like I thought she would. She comes home the next day at 3, and is a different person. She goes on a rant about finding herself, blah blah, and we pack up her car with most everything we can fit. (I am pretty upset at this point but trying to keep my composure). We don't talk for 5 days, and then she phones me saying she really wants to talk, and I ask her about what because I was sick of the drama. She says "i really want to get back together etc" and comes over later that night. She comes over, starts crying and says "I hope you didnt think I came over to get back together" (which blew my mind) and then she goes on telling me she has been with the guy (yes sexually) for the last 4 out of 5 days. I don't think I've ever been so hurt in my life. I knew it was done, and she leaves after an hour of HER crying. The thing that hurts I think the most is that she picked up with this guy within the hour of leaving me. They have been in a 'serious' relationship since.


I stop calling her after that aside from one drunk angry phone call, she moves her stuff out and I start down the road to healing. About a week later she phones me at night, telling me her car is 'dead'. I ask her what's going on and she was in a car accident (karma I will never doubt you again). After finding out what happened and that she wasn't hurt, I let her know to not call me again, and to call her new boyfriend since that's his job to take care of her now and not mine. I know that gave her a huge shock, but I meant it. Its been about 12 days now and its been great not talking to her, because every time I did I went back to day zero.

The stupid thing that's driving me crazy though, is the fact that I still miss her, and think about her a lot. I don't have anything to latch on to anger wise except for what she did in the last couple weeks of our dating. I know I could never take her back (my family/friends/myself would hate me) and it would show a complete lack of respect for myself. Her true self came out near the end there, and it scares me to think about what other stuff she's lied about because she did it so smoothly. I just can't get her off my mind though and its driving me insane. It's like I want her to come back, even though I know it wouldn't work anyway. I want to train my mind to instantly change topics every time I think about her, but its an uphill battle.

Leave the past behind and get stronger alone with no contact.

It is an up hill battle and it's going to take longer than 12 days. You are on the right track though. Be proud of yourself for being strong. It's been 7 weeks since my ex boyfriend left me for someone else and I'm not even close to being over it. I'm not a zero anymore but I'm at best at a 2. If the scale is 0-10 then looks like I have a long long way to go.

cαn you sαy psycho... she's here there everywhere-- mαke sure she tαkes her pills with her αnd let the door hit her where the good lord split her...

She lies, betrαys, αnd cheαts on you-- hun you cαn do better... even α lonely old mαn cαn do better.. omgsh I would sαy run.. put her stuff in boxes αnd leαve them outside so you cαn αvoid contαct..

Wow-- 10 months not so bαd though imαgine some people go through 10 yeαrs of this..

Good luck buddy--- you'll be wwwαααyyy wαααyyy better off without her-- WAY!

You did the right thing for sure. You respected yourself and got rid of someone who disrespected you.

Just stay on the course you are on now. Hang out with your friends and do "Your" thing. Pick-up some old hobbies or get some new ones. Go to the gym. Do you.

Just know that it only natural to miss her. She was part of your everyday life and now there is a little void where she used to be. But she didn't deserve to be in your life after what she pulled.

If she calls... don't pickup. If she comes over... tell her to go away. If she sends you an email... respond and tell her to eat sh&t. She lost the right to be heard. She doesn't deserve anymore of your time.

Josh

Unfortunately some folks get hooked into the wild ride of the highs and lows of these terrible relationships - adrenaline junkies/control freaks, etc. and miss it when life goes to normal.

you don't deserve her!! You won't sleep and wake up the next morning and there u forgot her , nah it won't happen like that , it will take a while , it will hurt , but you can do it
you've gone 12 days without her u can hold on for more than that and eventually u will forget her , as far as you don keep contact with her you'll get over her and after your over her and all that stuff you'll find the "one"

good luck!! =]

Yeah her stuff is gone and has been for I think 3 weeks, she's off the lease, her email/# are erased, MSN blocked etc I haven't 'seen' her for a month luckily. I think I'm more angry at myself for the fact that I still miss her after what she did, than her. I don't like the fact that I still think about her every minute. It makes me feel... weak? I don't know if that's the right word.

I have been focusing on myself the last few weeks, something happened the last few days that made me have to start again, don't know what. Ive gotten a new car, made new friends, gotten into better shape, and am registering for school soon. Still tough though, and as horrible as it sounds it makes it better to know there are millions of people going through this right now.

Also I'm getting into the 'how did I not see her for who she was' back when I met her phase. It scares me to think my judgement was so poor. But at least maybe next time I will see(aka not ignore) the warning signs (and there were plenty in hindsight).

Well now you hαve gotten wiser.. now you know whαt not to do or how not to seek in your next relαtionship..

Do yourself α fαvor though.. be single for α while --αnd hαve fun!

Yeah her stuff is gone and has been for I think 3 weeks, shes off the lease, her email/# are erased, MSN blocked etc I havent 'seen' her for a month luckily. I think im more angry at myself for the fact that I still miss her after what she did, than her. I dont like the fact that I still think about her every minute. It makes me feel ... weak? I dont know if thats the right word.

I have been focusing on myself the last few weeks, something happened the last few days that made me have to start again, dont know what. Ive gotten a new car, made new friends, gotten into better shape, and am registering for school soon. Still tough though, and as horrible as it sounds it makes it better to know there are millions of people going through this right now.

Also im getting into the 'how did i not see her for who she was' back when I met her phase. It scares me to think my judgement was so poor. But at least maybe next time I will see(aka not ignore) the warning signs (and there were plenty in hindsight).

They say that people when are in love are "blind" so maybe you had that , I don't know
Its pretty good thought that you didn't talk to her in about a month that's good , think possitive and it will work out and you'll move on :)

Your in love with who she was or who you thought she was. The longer you hold on to your obsession the longer it will take to move forward. The person you were with is not the same person as she is anymore.

No contact will work miracles for you. Best to delete all forms of contacting her, msn, Facebook, phone numbers (stops those drunk calls), emails + all reminders of her and presents or photos. We all have different periods of mourning and it make take you a longer or shorter time but life will get back to normal! Hey there's even lots of benefits to singlehood. You don't have to be in a relationship to be happy. Time to pour all the love into you now.

Also I'm getting into the 'how did I not see her for who she was' back when I met her phase. It scares me to think my judgement was so poor. But at least maybe next time I will see(aka not ignore) the warning signs (and there were plenty in hindsight).
You've aleady learned something that will help in the future, and now be patient with yourself, and stay busy rebuilding your life without her. In time you will feel great, and be wiser for the experience.

I am really glad at what I've learned in the last year, and I know I will be a much better person later on. Its just getting to that point that's going to be the battle. The NC thing isn't going to be a problem, I have seen the effects of breaking it during a previous breakup. Ive always over analyzed everything all my life, this is the one time I need to find a way to stop.

The one problem I have is that I make some progress mentally, and then slip back down for no known reason. I almost feel crazy that I could miss someone who could do this to me. Its like I should be angry, and move on because I found out who she really was, but I can't do it like that. Does this even make sense?

Im considering therapy because this is getting ridiculous. I know I have issues from growing up that may be contributing to how bad I am reacting to this situation, which might be why I can't make any progress.

The one problem I have is that I make some progress mentally, and then slip back down for no known reason. I almost feel crazy that I could miss someone who could do this to me. Its like I should be angry, and move on because I found out who she really was, but I can't do it like that. Does this even make sense?

Makes a lot of sense and believe me it's perfectly normal , we have all been through this phase , don't fret madaman this phase will pass as well , but time is the biggest healer

Im considering therapy because this is getting ridiculous. I know I have issues from growing up that may be contributing to how bad I am reacting to this situation, which might be why I can't make any progress.

If you think that could help , or even just make you feel better by all means have therapy , certainly can't hurt

The one problem I have is that I make some progress mentally, and then slip back down for no known reason. I almost feel crazy that I could miss someone who could do this to me. Its like I should be angry, and move on because I found out who she really was, but I can't do it like that. Does this even make sense

Hi madaman, It makes sense to me, I'm going through the same thing. I make progress and then slip back. And feeling crazy for missing him after what he's done to me, I know exactly what that's like. But maybe its just a normal part of the healing process. But hey I look at it this way, I have every right to miss what I had with this man. I invested a lot of years and they were good ones. What he's done now can't take away my good memories. Those are mine forever.

So how do you really gauge your process? I feel 'worse' sometimes, but compared to the first month, there is no way that its on par, since I'm able to talk to people at work without stumbling over my words. I go back and read what I wrote in my journal a few weeks ago and I don't feel the same way, I guess that's progress?

I think I may be mentally not letting myself let go of her though, it's a real battle to just not think about the good times, which then lead to the 'why' question. What I wouldn't give right now to have complete control over my mind.

So how do you really gauge your process? I feel 'worse' sometimes, but compared to the first month, there is no way that its on par, since im able to talk to people at work without stumbling over my words. I go back and read what I wrote in my journal a few weeks ago and I dont feel the same way, I guess thats progress?

I think I may be mentally not letting myself let go of her though, its a real battle to just not think about the good times, which then lead to the 'why' question. What I wouldnt give right now to have complete control over my mind.

Hi madaman
Yes you are making progress and the Journal idea is a good one. Thinking about the good times is a natural reaction and with time that will also subside , however try not to concentrate on the good times at the moment , think about what she has done to you and how she has made you feel , that sort of person doesn't deserve your efforts ot thoughts.

Play the whole tape, the good and the bad!!

I agree, it is important to not just look at the good moments. I don't know if it's a good sign or not, but I'm just getting sick of thinking about her in any light. I tell myself I won't think about her today, but as you probably know its impossible.

My biggest thing is that anyone who would do this to me isn't worth the brain time, but its really hard to make that thought stick.

One sign of progress is that I used to mark down each day without talking, now I can go a day or two without remembering to mark the days down. Can't wait to just forget to do it outright. Its still unbelievably tough, but I look back on the pain from a month ago and this is only a fraction thank goodness.

You are on the right track and the fact you know what you have to do is helping you. It is extremely tough as you say but you are progressing well. Keep it up and remember what she has done to you and how she has made you feel!

One thing I've been pondering is when do you stop seeing them as the person you interacted with on a daily basis, and just another 'ex'. When I think about my previous ex, there is NOTHING there, no pain, just a memory really (and that was the first big one, took a year to get over). When I think about the one I'm trying to get over right now, if I think about her (as in the person I lived with, talked to) it really hurts, but if I just see her as person X, its not so bad...

I guess I would like to know, are there any tricks you can do in your mind to stop thinking in detail about the person? I try and change my minds 'subject' whenever it starts thinking about her, but there's got to be an easier way.

One thing ive been pondering is when do you stop seeing them as the person you interacted with on a daily basis, and just another 'ex'. When I think about my previous ex, there is NOTHING there, no pain, just a memory really (and that was the first big one, took a year to get over). When I think about the one im trying to get over right now, if I think about her (as in the person I lived with, talked to) it really hurts, but if I just see her as person X, its not so bad...

I guess I would like to know, are there any tricks you can do in your mind to stop thinking in detail about the person? I try and change my minds 'subject' whenever it starts thinking about her, but theres got to be an easier way.


I think the main thing is to stay busy. Go out, have fun, work, go to the gym, whatever it is that you do. Continue to meet new people. Don't compare them to her (although at times it's hard). Live your life as though there are no tomorrows. Don't regret what's happened, use it to better yourself.

If your looking for an easy way out, there is none. Painful as it is you must accept that you have to move on, and rebuild your life, and self confidence without her.

If your looking for an easy way out, there is none. Painful as it is you must accept that you have to move on, and rebuild your life, and self confidence without her.

You know what, I agree 110% with everything you say in everyone else's threads, so logic tells me to listen to what you say to me! I really wish emotions would stop trying to override logic... It's the battle of my mind.

Good for you! Don't beat yourself up! Do whatever it is that makes you feel good, and if you have the patience, try meditation-that %$#^ will change your life and the way you look at things and react. Intention is everything. Love yourself, it will illuminate your life.
I am in a similar situation where the ex is hanging out with the ex best friend. It really sucks, but this is when we find our true strength, and it is beautiful!

CHEERS!

I guess I would like to know, are there any tricks you can do in your mind to stop thinking in detail about the person? I try and change my minds 'subject' whenever it starts thinking about her, but theres got to be an easier way.

I wish there was a trick. I'd pay top dollar for imformation on how to get him out of my mind. I know how you feel because his life and mine were so intertwined that even when I go out and do different things I think about the fact that he's not doing whatever it is with me. It kind of feels to me like losing your right arm and every time you go to use it you have to remind yourself OH YEAH I don't have that ARM anymore. So not being with him only reminds me daily that I'm not with him. Does that make sense?

I wish there was a trick. I'd pay top dollar for imformation on how to get him out of my mind. I know how you feel because his life and mine were so intertwined that even when I go out and do different things I think about the fact that he's not doing whatever it is with me. It kinda feels to me like losing your right arm and everytime you go to use it you have to remind yourself OH YEAH I don't have that ARM anymore. So not being with him only reminds me daily that I'm not with him. Does that make sense??

Unfortunately, it makes perfect sense. When you have done everything with that person, and then they are gone, you almost look to see them there the next time you do anything. Its driving me crazy.

Im honestly just trying to "villain'ify" her in my head/memory, I have two choices when I think about her one to be sad, and the other to be mad. I would much prefer to be angry at her for what she did to me behind my back.

Unfortunately, it makes perfect sense. When you have done everything with that person, and then they are gone, you almost look to see them there the next time you do anything. Its driving me crazy.

Im honestly just trying to "villain'ify" her in my head/memory, I have two choices when I think about her one to be sad, and the other to be mad. I would much prefer to be angry at her for what she did to me behind my back.

To say this is driving me crazy is an understatment, I'm usually such a rational person. But nothing about the way I think anymore is rational. I'm afraid if I don't get over this soon I'm not going to come out of this as the same sane person I used to be. And your right about the sad and mad thing. Being sad for 5 minutes then mad the next is exhasting.

You sound like a very intelligent person who is on the road to healing. The reason why you miss her is because as humans we do not like change, even if it is a good change. Its more comforting being in the drama that you got used to (because of her) rather than actually realize she's gone. Also you were with her for 10 months so you got used to seeing her everyday and its in those moments you miss her. This will pass too. Follow your gut instinct. Do not let her back into your life, even as a friend. Believe me, she will call you again because she sounds like a drama queen who thrives on attention. If you talk to her she will say more hurtful things to you about that guy she's seeing. Do not let her back in. Continue on the path to recovery. God bless.

Thanks, I think the only way I'm getting through this as fast as I am is because I did all the WRONG things with the last girl after we brokeup, and it took a year (which I'm not willing to waste on a girl who did this to me this time). As for her calling me in the future, I would be surprised because I let her know exactly what I thought about her and the type of person she is when we last talked. Who knows though, I certainly wouldn't answer if she phoned. I do miss her so much its not even funny, but I think I truly know that things would never work out with her and to let go of the dreams I had for a life with her. Its incredibly tough though!

Minor update:
Started seeing a psychologist last week, and I can see a benefit to it once we talk a bit more. Its really nice having someone to talk to face to face again (friends are sick of hearing about it).
Went on a date, it was fun and great at taking my mind off things for a while.

I find it so hard to 'truly' let go of the hope of being with my ex again though, I catch myself drifting off into thoughts of us together again in the future and I hate it. If I start thinking that, then all the bad thoughts snowball. I know I could never take her back anyway even if she did want to come back. It just hurts so much to think that she can be so happy right now. Its almost like I want her to be suffering like me.

Thinking about her is seriously tiring me out, I wake up and just dread the first thought that will start it all. Its like serious exhaustion.

Take your time, as replacing her in your mind with other less "exhausting" thoughts, will not happen over night. Every time My ex snuck into my thoughts I would get up and do something and before long It become easier to reject her. It's a good way to keep your shoes polished and shirt ironed, if nothing else. You could even set aside certain task just for when you need them, but it will get better with time.

Thank you, I do try the distraction route (cleaning the house).

Getting over someone has to be the weirdest thing. Its not like digging a ditch where you know where you are progress wise, and when you will be done. I have been told to not suppress the pain, to let the thoughts out, and eventually it will go away. Its so weird that you DO think about the person and eventually they will go away. In my mind truly I want to get over her and move on and I know I will be some day, it just really sucks that you can't skip the 'X months of hell' and get to the feeling better part sooner. I guess I'm always looking for shortcuts.

The fact that she cheated on me and lied to my face about it should be enough to make me seeth with anger, but I can't focus on that and it really bugs me.

The messed up thing is that when we started dating, I knew it wouldn't last due to a big age/maturity difference (I was 24, she was 18, I know pretty stupid of me) but somewhere along the way I fell in love. About her, her mom died when she was 12, her dad left her. I think she did the same thing with her last boyfriend when she met me, and that she really has no friends except those of who she is dating. Hell, I worked with her for a year before we dated and saw how much of a flirt she was with other guys when her boyfriend wasn't around, I'm so stupid!

I only share this information because I want others to see the mistakes I made and the facts I chose to ignore.

She LIED TO YOU and she CHEATED on you , focus on those things whenever you start thinking about her. I found whenever I was struggling and thinking about her it was because I was focusing on the GOOD things ,I got rid of that feeling on many occasions (and still do) by switching my thoughts to the bad things she had done and how BAD she had made me feel. It works for me!

You guys are all so great, Im glad I have this forum to read whenever I start to feel desperate to do something stupid. Thank you for all the advice to date, I can't wait until this whole episode is over and I am happy again.

Patience my friend , it all takes time. But it will get better I promise!

I know a big part of a breakup is some inner thought and finding out what you did that you probably shouldn't do again in the next relationship etc. I just want to know where do you draw the line? I think back and I realize there are some traits/actions which were not healthy for the relationship that may have not ended things, but definetely didn't help. I know its not good to blame, but its also important to realize true mistakes and prevent them from happening again so you become a better person. I start to border on the 'if I had only done this different' thoughts and it snowballs, but I know I need to think about these things some time.

Im almost 99% focused on myself and the future, but a little part of me keeps thinking about her and how I could have done things differently. I don't think its healthy for my healing but I can't think of any other way to look deep inside and see what I did wrong as well, because its never 100% someone else's fault. Im not quite sure what I'm even asking, maybe just looking for some advice on this stage I'm going through.

Missing them is a common feeling at first... just remind yourself why you left her in the first place. Sometimes familiarity and the comfort from it seems like love when its not.


That feeling will fade, and it will fade faster if you start dating others.

How about considering you made no mistakes, and that you just were not compatible in the long term, and you didn't bring out the best in each other. It happens all the time when our hearts are involved. We can't see a relationship is not good or healthy, but we hold on out of fear of rejection, or being alone, whatever. Or we may not see that the other person doesn't feel the same way we do. Not all break ups are because of mistakes we made.

Hey I know what you're saying, I just got out of a 4 year relationship last week.. I just keep up with sports and hang out with people and keep myself around others to keep me from feeling lonely.. that's the only thing that hurts

I think overcoming this challenge will be the hardest thing I've had to do in life, and I'm actually excited to think about how much smarter I am going to be once I get rid of all these emotions thinking about the past.

For the first time in my life, I actually feel like I'm finding myself and who I truly am (its funny because that's what she said she had to do, and then left for another guy) and it feels great. I can't think of a bigger kick in the butt than something like this.

Now if only she would stop coming back and visiting me all the time in my dreams and thoughts. I am going to try to learn to meditate, to attempt to clear my mind and thoughts but I don't even know where to start for info on that.

Now if only she would stop coming back and visiting me all the time in my dreams and thoughts. I am going to try to learn to meditate, to attempt to clear my mind and thoughts but I dont even know where to start for info on that.

I know what you're saying. Every night I dream of her as well. The other night I had a dream that we even had a halfway decent conversation on the phone. A good way I found to rid your dreams of her isto fall asleep watching a movie. Its good though that you're almost getting over it though, finding happiness again where she left it.

I know that you are supposed to let your grief out and not bottle it up, but I'm wondering if there is a line you can cross. I feel like I think about her too much, and I'm really feeling despair about the whole situation. I just don't know if I'm doing it to myself or if its perfectly natural. Im just worried that there is some sort of loop you can get stuck in that will prevent moving onwards, I really don't want that to happen.

If its not normal then I am crossing the line too. I still think about him all the time. No matter what I do.

I know that you are supposed to let your grief out and not bottle it up, but im wondering if there is a line you can cross. I feel like I think about her too much, and im really feeling despair about the whole situation. I just dont know if im doing it to myself or if its perfectly natural. Im just worried that there is some sort of loop you can get stuck in that will prevent moving onwards, I really dont want that to happen.
It is good you can recognise the difference between the things you cause, and the things you have no control over. Many think that because we know what to do as far as moving on, sometimes our feelings won't let us. Many of us need counseling to guide us through the process of letting go. When we are hurt, it is natural to grieve the loss of comfort, and we do with time. Letting go of a live person is so much harder it seems, and takes a lot of work. Time helps but no way do you get away from the fact that you have work to do. Just my opinion, but most of us that cannot move on, have other deeper issues to deal with, but we have no clue as to how. That's the dilemma we face as we must know what the root problem is and take the correct action to solve it. There is no shame to be stuck on stupid, where our heart is concerned. It does take time and healing.

If its not normal then I am crossing the line too. I still think about him all the time. No matter what I do.
Geez, give yourself a break!! After all the years you have spent with your B/F, You have a mighty big hole in your soul to fill. It takes a lot of time. A lot of time.

Geez, give yourself a break!!! After all the years you have spent with your B/F, You have a mighty big hole in your soul to fill. It takes a lot of time. A lot of time.

Thanks tal, And you are so right about a hole in my soul. That's exactly how I would describe it. I think I'm just being a little impatient about my healing. Ive taken all the steps suggested like no contact and Ive asked everyone that knows him not to tell me anything he's up to or doing in his new life. I just need to remember that it's going to take longer then a couple of months to get past the constant bombardment of memories and pain.

I want to congratulate you on your road to recovery. Getting her out of the house was a big step and it was the right thing to do. Don't be so hard on yourself about the whole situation. She is the one that needs a reality adjustment. You mentioned that you daydream about your future together. A future with this girl can not be a good one. Even if she reforms her ways, somewhere along the way, you will never be able to fully trust her again. Trust is a huge thing in a relationship. You are so much better being without her and although it hurts right now, it will get better. You are doing all of the right things. Now all you need to do is be patient with yourself. Healing from break ups isn't an overnight thing. If it was, we would not have the opportunity to learn from the experience to make a difference for the future. From every bad situation like this, there is always something to be learned. You seem like you are a very perceptive person. In the future, follow your gut instinct. They generally do not lead you astray. Also, give yourself a pat on the back for being on the road to recovery. You will get there, it just takes time.

Thank you for your words of encouragement, it always helps to hear that Im not completely lost on the road to recovery. I think I think about her maybe 5 less minutes every day, but eventually that will be 0. I can't wait. It really helps to not have any real mementos around the house to remind me of her (I boxed up everything she gave me or we bought together for the house and gave it back to her when she moved out) but its so weird as well. Its funny how much stuff has gone wrong in the last week and it hasn't phased me at all, I'm not sure if its good or if its bad haha (broke both pairs of glasses, big rental increase, and have been given 15 days to pay some debts of mine). I don't know if its all the 'think positive' books I've been reading, or I'm just numb to it all.

Today has been a really really weird day. I know in my mind a month ago I told myself I could take the next month to grieve it all and get it over with. Today was the last day, and I feel surprisingly well. I hope the feeling sticks (tommorow would have been our 1 year aniversary).

For the first time in the last 2 months, when I start thinking about her/the situation in my mind, its like I'm looking at it through frosted glass. The details that hurt so bad aren't as detailed, the faces are blurry and the memories are fading. For the first time in 2 months I was able to focus on my work for more than 3 hours without needing a 'break' (time alone to feel like dirt).
I would really like to thank all of you who have posted some great advice, and I would also suggest to everyone else to LISTEN to the advice these people are giving you! I know at first I read the advice, but didn't apply any of it. I didn't start healing until I make a real effort to heal. I know I will probably have a relapse and be back here asking for more help but its so great to have this place to talk.

I am so happy for you. Keep up the road to recovery and keep us posted!

Good on you Madaman , I'm real glad YOU can see your own progress!

Today is off to a horrible start...

Today would have been our one year anniversary. Today is also the last date that I have tied to her in my mind for anything. So it will be nice to get it over with, but I dread the thoughts that will come today. Of course the day was started with a dream of me and her running into each other and talking about why the breakup had to happen... I hate dreams! Im trying to turn it around and be positive for the rest of the day. If I can do it on a day like today, then every other day will be a breeze.

Do I ever miss her though. :(

Days like anniversary's etc. will always make you feel a little empty , that's normal so don't think you are going backwards with this. Soon you will have more good days than bad and before you know it you will be having a lot more good days so just keep it up with NC and get that little bit better each day. I bet next anniversary you will look back and see how this all happened for the best. Keep your chin up mate :-)

The day after the anniversary, doing OK.
Its weird, the movies in my mind are slowly turning to still photos over time, and the photos hurt a lot less. I think its really sad that it had to come to this (ie forgetting about her) but what choice do we have in the situation. Im scared that I'm going to get stuck in the depression stage, I really long for the day that I am OK. I still miss her a ton. Bah.

Ok I have a weird question to ask those who aren't going through this right now.
What do you think about if you aren't dealing with a broken heart? Its been 2 months of constant thoughts about my ex, and I really just want it to stop. Is it just a matter of replacing her thoughts with other ones? I honestly don't remember what my thoughts were like when I wasn't dealing with this. I look around at people not going through this, who are happy and I try to imagine what their thoughts are like. I know in time I will get over this/her, but there is still parts of my mind that don't want me to.

I know people say that who you are is defined by how you can handle these types of situations, and I want to make the best of it. Is extended grieveing considered a bad thing? I just can't see this going away any time soon, but I don't want to keep it going longer than it has to. Ive admitted to myself that what I had with her will never return, so I've moved past that point. Im just missing her right now (just the her that was around when we were dating).

I doubt this post made any sense, but this is the sort of trainwreck that is going on in my brain constantly.

Madaman
What you are going through is the normal (for want of a better word) process. Don't stress about it. TIME is all that it takes believe me. As more time goes by the less you will start thinking of her. And you will smile again and be happy so start focusing on that time , it will come.

Its been 2 months of constant thoughts about my ex, and I really just want it to stop. Is it just a matter of replacing her thoughts with other ones? I honestly don't remember what my thoughts were like when I wasn't dealing with this.
Excellent question and not at all weird, click on the links in my signature for some excellent insights and I will add that it's the hard work your willing to put in on yourself, that will determine how long you have these thoughts. These thought are so normal and the posts I have for you will explain a lot and give you the tools to succeed. That and NO CONTACT! Good Luck and bring your questions back here after you have read both posts.

^^ you have no idea how many times I've read those two posts. Usually every day in the morning.

Its nice to know I'm not deviating from the normal course of healing. It is tough to know that yourself, because all you feel is pain (although it is LESS pain).

The one thought Ive had is, I'm wondering if I will always be the one who gets dumped (or cheated on in this case). Is it a person to person thing, or changes ? Ive just been doing some inner reflection and I am wondering if maybe I hang on to the end until they have to do it? I think back to the relationship I just got out of and I saw many signs that it would have to end eventually (one being the fact she was a HUGE flirt even in front of me) and many many other issues. Ive since learned that you can't fix crazy, which is a lesson I will remember for the future.

I would hate to just dump my next girlfriend to prove this trend wrong haha. I read some other sites like askmen sometimes, and I really don't want to be the type of guy that they tell you to be. I also don't want to be dumped again and again though. There has to be some happy middle ground right? Id like to believe that this is just a part of 'growing up' and its what makes people into who they are later on. When I look at the big picture like that its not so bad, but when I look at a picture of her (only in my mind, they are all gone) it sucks.

You know what, if you live in fear of getting dumped or trying to dump first... you will miss out on a many wonderful things. Instead of looking at what you have lost... tell me what you have learned about yourself and others with this situation. It can help put a better spin on it for you.

Ive learned to not rush things, that you really can't know a person after only 6 months (and definetely don't let them move in). Ive learned that if I found this girl, I can find others (better too). Ive learned that I don't need a girlfriend to be happy (although it is nice). The one big thing I'm working on right now, is fixing/bettering myself for myself, not for others. Also to not rely on others to help/do it for me.

I still miss 'her' more than anything though which really sucks.

It is really okay to miss someone. But look at all that you have learned from the situation. You even said that you can find others that are better suited to you. You, then, realize that she is not your cup of tea. So feel free to miss her... but realize that she isn't what you wanted. Going through a break up is kind of like dealing with a death. You go through the different stages of the grieving process and such. In the end, you have acceptance. You may miss the person for quite some time... that is normal. But it doesn't mean that you want or need them back either. You have developed a lot from this experience. Now is the perfect time to go out and meet new people. This doesn't mean get a girlfriend... but just go out and meet different people. Socialize... because we are very social creatures. Take each meeting at face value. You are not looking for a serious girlfriend or a wife... you just want to expand your pool of friends. Once you do this, you will find that you will miss her less and less. It is kind of like after someone dies, your life stops. Then once you have reached acceptance, life starts to move... very slowly at first... and then before you know it, things are back to normal. You will still think about the person from time to time, as they shared part of your life, but it won't consume you. You are making it through. WHOO HOOOO! Keep us posted and God bless!

Well went on my first date in a long time last night. I dreaded going the whole day, but as soon as I met up with her it was great and I had a fun time. Didn't think about my ex ONCE the whole night. Im definetely not jumping into anything right now though, still have a lot of fixing on my part to do. A TON.

Its great that you had a good time and didn't think about your ex once. Keep meeting people and keep yourself busy. That's the best way to get over the pain. Counseling also helps.

Well I have to say, relapses suck. Its so hard to not think about good times you had once in the past, and then it just snowballs. It is weird, because I don't want her to phone me, but every day that she doesn't I wonder how she could not want to talk to me again at some point. Talk about wasted brain cells thinking about that situation.

Ive hit 40+ days of NC, and that is why I'm healed to the point I am, thank goodness. Im hoping 20 more and I will be a-ok. In the end, I have to be right?

One major thought that I have been having recently is that I'm GLAD this has happened, but for a few reasons. Im glad because it turned out she was crazy. The thing I'm glad about the most, is that I am living through this, and I know I can tackle much bigger issues. I haven't had many experiences like this in life and its an eye opener as to what can happen in life. Its like solving a big problem on a test, you feel good once you find the answer. I know I will look back and be glad that this happened and that I made the best of the situation. My heart goes out to all of you who can't start the healing process for one reason or another, I personally couldn't take the pain of hanging on to false hope again so I actively chose the route to healing this time.

It will get easier... but look for another woman... nothing helps you get over a loser like that one faster than a different one to help highlight what was wrong with the other one. It gives you a strong frame of reference to focus on rather than idiolised memories.
IN the end you are better off, after all she could have gotten knocked up and claimed it was you that did it and bled you dry when it was the other guy... the system has shafted a lot of men forcing them to pay child support for a kid fathered by someone else.

And yeah, like it or not, I don't think any non-biological father should be forced to pay to raise someone else's kid. And I'm all for DNA testing to definitively prove parenthood before they slap that on somebody.

Count your blessings you are getting out this easy. It could have been far worse.

The baby thing has happened to me before, luckily (as sick as that sounds) she had a miscarriage and I was able to walk away from that situation. I am already going out on dates with a couple other women, and it is fun. Just waiting for the day I don't think about my ex in 'that light', or any light for that matter.

The baby thing has happened to me before, luckily (as sick as that sounds) she had a miscarriage and I was able to walk away from that situation. I am already going out on dates with a couple other women, and it is fun. Just waiting for the day I dont think about my ex in 'that light', or any light for that matter.
One step at a time... first go a day without thinking about her, then a week, then a month.

Eventually you will wonder why you even got upset about her and see her for the slut she is rather the woman you thought she was. She made her choice and has to live with it now, and you have the choice to find a woman who really loves you and respects you. Unlike her.

Well back to my favourite part of the cycle, the relapse. It is really easy to lose sight on the goals/progress I've made. It is really weird too, but I think its because I took it to the next level. I erased really the last known link to her of mine, which was a friend of hers I talked to on Facebook every now and then. I can't wait for the day I don't think about that crazy broad anymore.

Delete her from your life FOR EVER :)

Why would I go to all this trouble and work to let the mean bit** back into my life :)

Why would I go to all this trouble and work to let the mean bit** back into my life :)

She sounds psycho. This is the type of girl that would get pregnant by some other guy and never tell you :mad:

So minor update, its been 7 weeks on NC and I have not once have I really felt the urge to call her (as nothing good or positive could come from in). I do feel like I'm in a bit of a slump lately though and it really sucks. I don't know WHERE the thoughts came from but Ive started thinking about how she could leave me for someone else. My confidence has been pretty high the last couple weeks, but then it causes me to think why would someone want to leave me then if I'm so great?

The thoughts just sort of spiral out of control really quickly, and I don't know what to do.

So minor update, its been 7 weeks on NC and I have not once have I really felt the urge to call her (as nothing good or positive could come from in). I do feel like im in a bit of a slump lately though and it really sucks. I dont know WHERE the thoughts came from but Ive started thinking about how she could leave me for someone else. My confidence has been pretty high the last couple weeks, but then it causes me to think why would someone want to leave me then if im so great?

The thoughts just sort of spiral out of control really quickly, and I dont know what to do.
You made it 7 weeks... work on the next 7 weeks. You will find it will be even easier, and your thoughts of her will be even less. Always look forward, never look back. You can't change what was, but you do have some control over what will be.

Actually that's great advice, and yeah the next 7 weeks should be a hell of a lot easier. I guess I should set some new goals for the next 7 weeks and work on those so I have something to focus on.

I had a weird moment in my car driving home from work yersterday. I had been having a super bad day, very depressed etc for the 4th day in a row. As I was driving I just said to myself "you decide what kind of day you are going to have, you can decide to be happy". I used to laugh at people who said those types of things worked, but it actually worked for me.

madaman, I know how you are feeling. 7 weeks is a long time. Keep up the good NC. I am as well. It is crazy to think how easy it is for our ex's to just remove someone out of there lives so easily. They are really undeserving of our thoughts you know.

So I'm driving to work today and my phone rings, I luckily look at the caller ID before I answer and its her. I forced myself to not answer the phone and just let it ring out. I never thought I Would see her name/# on the caller ID screen again. Of course she didn't leave a message, but this has shook me up pretty bad now. Im at day 54 of no contact and I really don't want to start again if she keeps trying to contact me. Im sitting at work here right now and my mind is racing.

This really sucks because I want my life with her back so bad, but I know in my heart that it would never work out after what she did. What a horrible situation to be in!!

Just stick with the no contact thing. You did right by not talking to her. Like I said, focus on the next seven weeks, and meeting new people, not on her. If you do think of her, just remind yourself what a nasty thing she did. That will help you get past her. Don't think good thoughts, if you find yourself doing this, remind yourself about what she did, and mentally picture her with that guy when you were happily oblivious. That will help set your mind right.

But do focus on your future, and making a new life. After all life is what you make it.

When I saw her name on the caller ID, my mind shot instantly to the 54 days in a row I have written in my notebook, one day written at a time for each day NC and there was NO way I was starting that list of days again.

I also know that she was probably calling to ask something or for something, and would have lied/been nice to get it and then disappear again anyway so its not a big loss for me. I also know that I never want her back (well I want the old one back but she doesn't exist anymore) so there really was no point talking to her.

All this is logical and I am a very logical person, so why does it throw me for such a loop? Its kind of funny, but by not answering the phone it was almost like plugging your ears and make noise so you can't hear something... aka trying to believe its not being said or it isn't happening. Hopefully this wears off quick as I really don't want to be back to day 1.

The worst part is I'm looking for a new roommate right now and getting lots of unknown numbers phoning me, and I'm really going to dread answering the phone now.

Its your optimistic side trying to peek in on you, but mostly is that you are still used to her being around. Plenty of reason to find someone new to date which will help displace that feeling. When you have someone new to hold your attention this other one will fade from the forefront of your mind that much faster.

I know for me it helped to focus on the bad in effect demonizing her but since it was only in my mind no harm was done and it helped me past that period.

I think that's the only reason I was able to not answer, I am seeing someone else right now (very casually). The new girl really digs me and it makes me feel great, but I'm not rushing into anything because I don't want any residual feelings about my ex creeping into anything I will have with the new girl.

I try so hard to just focus on the bad ( the lies and betrayal) but the good times I had with her were some of the best times of my life (which I am grateful for none the less).

You won't ever forget those... but demonizing her for now will help you through the rough part. When she stops mattering your memories will be of what really was.

Focusing on the good times right now will only make this period of your life harder.

No need to rush the new woman, take it one day at a time... if it pans out great, if it doesn't then it doesn't. But focus on today and now... as well as tomorrow and the future. The old one is no longer part of it so keep thoughts of her with other parts of your distant memories.

Damnit she got me at work, I never thought about it until I answered the phone. She asked some question about something and then I answered and said goodbye. Does this mean I'm back at day 1? I really never wanted to hear her voice again.

Im just trying to pretend this didn't happen, as I don't want these last 54 days of NC to be a waste.

No, you had the foresight to keep it brief and hang up as soon as you could. If you had been reminiscing during that call I would have said yeah.

She was asking about her mail and if I had been saving it for her. I said no that I was returning it to sender (or throwing it out if it was junk) and that she needs to have her address changed. She started talking about her new car (which she was waiting for some paperwork to be mailed out I guess) and instead of asking about it (she wrecked her 'new' car a few weeks after we broke up and I've been dying to know what happened) I just said I had to go. She really caught me off guard on the phone and I'm sure I sounded not so happy, but it was because I was talking to her not because of my life. I didn't even recognize her voice until she said who it was, which is crazy.

I think this has rekindled the feeling I had at the start of the breakup though, the one where I was going to better myself for myself. I was started to lose sight on the importance of self improvement in the last couple weeks, but it has been brought back into the front of my mind like lightning.

I think (and time will tell) that this phone call might be the moment I truly let go. Its obvious she doesn't care (and I know I never want her back). I hope this is that moment where I close my heart to 'her'.

Its times like this that make me want to become a therapist/psychologist so I can help people get through times like these, because man does it ever suck. Its also a huge fork in the road as I could better myself or wallow in pity for years.

I say eat her fleash and bones! Nah! Just playing! You be OK homey!

Hi Madaman
Remember what we said a few weeks ago. SHE'S A LIAR AND A CHEAT!! Just keep telling yourself that because that's the facts. Your doing well my friend , keep it up.

Yeah actually its been about 6 hours since she called and I have been waiting for some new 'pain' to kick in but nothing has come yet. Its kind of like flinching as if you are about to be hit but nothing is coming. I actually thought those things to myself when she phoned "shes a liar and a cheater" so why talk to her. There was so much I would have liked to ask but I didn't and I'm so happy with myself. I think I now know without a doubt that the girl I loved is completely gone.

Well done , just read my signature and I think it applies to you as well!

I'm going to it to after being married for 20 years. He got this great job and we would have been on easy street. Anyway he met someone on Facebook, I think, and now he is with her. He filed for divorce with a bunch of lies and I am really messed up.

I cross-petitioned for divorce telling the truth and with the right separation date. He had been abusive in the past but had stopped but started again when he started the affair.

As far as I'm concerned people that do this are nuts. He still ask me to do stuff for him.

You DID notice this thread is from Sept 2007?