This guy,basicalle an LDR, I fell for broke it off with me dropping the bomb saying that he rather meet someone locally in his area. Then he finally admitted months later that he has been seeing someone. I have been so broken and shattered,I kept asking myself did I ever mean anything t this person at all? When I met him he broke up with his ex and I broke up with someone and guess during the time of loneliness clung to eachtoher, I'd hear from him 4 times a day,we planned on meeting and being with each other, however I was still in school and couldn't make that move yet. However, when time passed but then he wanted to start dating again and the distance between us was an issue I understand , but I really wanted to be with him but now ts seems clear to me,it was not the same in his part. Now I only hear from him once in a while and whenever I do talk to him it hurts like hell, because he's in this lets be friends so I'm going to be very casual and impersonal with you. Its like everything we said to each other,that he said to me is all gone and now we have this indifference from him that feels like a stab in the chest. He said he wanted to be friends but then he calls once in a while and I didn't want to be the one initiating th ephone calls since he ended it with me. I was thinking, I really need to cut contact with him meaning not answering his calls as well as not calling because I haven't moved on and fully healed yet. Its as if my life depended on this guy and that was my mistakes and soon as he rejected me it crumbled,and I believed he knew this,I would be waiting for him to contact me which is once in a while but then whenever I do talk to him it hurts more, any one has advice what should I do, I know I have to get him completely out of my life but it seems from his part that's what's happening. Smll part of me hopes it won't work out with this new person and he'ss come back to me,I know its awful thinking but that's how I feel, any advice or opinions?

You have answered your own question as to move on yourself, you must end contact completely from him. His contacting you has confused, and hurt you from letting go, and brought back many old feelings that hurt still. False hope has you stuck so don't answer his calls. Good Luck.

Have you read the first post on this thread yet?

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/what-expect-when-you-get-dumped-123862-6.html

You are not the only one being rejected like this, and will not be the last.

What you do with yourself and your emotions is the key here.. and I don't think you should waste any more time on this person. He has hurt you enough and you should treat yourself a lot better by not dwelling on him.

It's an old saying but... Time Does Heal.. so give it a chance.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_14.gif

Yes, I did see that post, in fact I'll print it out,

I haven't heard from him,but people say its for the best isn't it

Yup it sure is for the best.

When someone says they don't want you anymore it hurts and we want that person back and we want to "fix" everything. But what is really best for us is to close that chapter of our life and move forward without looking back. Very rarely will someone come back and make a relationship work. Its best for you to go no contact (yes, even if he contacts you heck ESPECIALLY if he contacts you) and just busy yourself with your life

That's the hardest part,if or when he contacts me,that I learn to say no or best not answer,I'm always looking for hope he'll come back and every phonecalls a sign that he somehow cares, but its tearing my heart when it doesn't end that way and he's just fine with everything when I'm definitely not.

Question, why does people say as soon as you move on and forget about them that's they ,the dumpers,will come back? But then others says they won't, sorry if it looks like I'm holding out for a thread of hope but I'm real curious about this. I know a friend of mine whose going through the same thing,ex dumped him now new person dumps her,whetehr she comes back to him I'm not sure, What gives,any one has opinions on this,

It's that holding out for a thread of hope that keeps you from moving on, and getting healthy. Being healthy allows you to accept life for what it is, and make clear, good decisions for yourself. Confusion and chaos, after a break up keeps you stuck on stupid and unable to deal with the emotional pain of a break up, so you have choices to make as to how to deal with your own circumstances.

Would be determental for you to think like that vivia. Its rubbish. There is no general collection of understanding of dumpers actions out there.

Some may turn around after some time and think (o dam! Lost somebody good there, the grass wasn't so green but there were problems on both sides of the relationship and I don't want to hurt them anymore etc plus I feel a bit to guilty so ill leave it)

But in most cases a dumper is probably glad and will feel a sense of relief and freedom whilst the dumpees are often left with the sense of failure and ego battering we are all to familiar with.

I would concentrate on getting your life in a secure and stable position. You may not even then care what your ex does or doesn't do then.

- Bump to Tali's post above mine! That holding on bit got me to, best not to :) NC all the way. Don't break it and your be so much stronger, probably even stronger than the dumper.

Omg I can relate 100% to your words except I'm a male and this is a female. I asked myself over and over again exactly the words " did i ever mean anything to this person?". I feel like we have a lot in common. I feel shattered over it too. I found out the girl broke up with her b'f when she met me and started goingout with me. I didn't realize that until now... she had been talking to him like a month after I started going out with her. I can't answer must question but I find it astonishing to think someone feels the same way I do. I would definitely take this advice from talinaman. That "thread of hope" is what is holdign me back. The thought that there's still some way it isn't true and she still is mine. But I know it isn't... reality hurts. The person who did this to you will get their day. This is what everbody tells me in my case.My friend said "let him f**k her over and let her f**k him over and eventually they will fall down". Send me a private message if you want or just repost to me. I want to hear more about this. The Same THING and I swear to god... I feel the same way as your words describe and it makes me feel even better to know someone has been faced with the same problem. Listen, 100% of your feelings, I have said the same thing out loud or in text. I hope that this helps... knowing there's someone else who can relate. It seems like... whenever someone calls, I am afraid it's her and she'll hurt me more, but a small slice of me wants to know... Unfortunately, I have it to the point where she hasn't called at all or spoken a word to me. It seems like she never cared at all about what I did for her. I realized and I want to tell you this... In life there are times that no matter how much you give, you can still lose it. It's hurtful and sad but it has to be lived with. I know the feeling when you break up and you see other females (males in your case) around and you feel like none of them can ever replace the one you loved... I guess that you will eventually find another one according to like 1 million people but I still don't know. I am terrified of going through the same thing again. I don't feel like I can trust any woman who wants to be just a "friend" right now. All I can say to you and what I am going to do is,(and you probably are already aware of this) even though there are so many people to pick from to bring into a relationship(that you like), try to remember that you are taking a risk at multiple things that can make you go through what you(we, I should say) have already dealt with. What I'm going to do is make SURE of what I want.I will take plenty of time to realize what and who is worth my while and in the end, we can only hope that the next person we pick will not do this to us. It seems to me like the chances of making another mistake in loving someone is too great. Can you relate to my ideas? Your feedback would be very interesting to hear considering how your post relates to my break up so closely and how I see things from a similar point of view. Maybe we can help each other realize more about these frigging relationships : D and who the right person is for me/you.

What I'm going to do is make SURE of what I want.I will take plenty of time to realize what and who is worth my while
You've learned something important and valuable, know yourself and love yourself first.

I just sent you a message mike,thanks for your support. I like Talinaman though, he's like the recovery bootcamp officer. He'll make sure you get over this if he has to beat it into you :)

I realized and I want to tell you this... In life there are times that no matter how much you give, you can still lose it. It's hurtful and sad but it has to be lived with. I know the feeling when you break up and you see other females (males in your case) around and you feel like none of them can ever replace the one you loved.. . I guess that you will eventually find another one according to like 1 million people but I still don't know. I am terrified of going through the same thing again. i don't feel like I can trust any woman who wants to be just a "friend" right now. All I can say to you and what I am going to do is,(and you probably are already aware of this) even though there are so many people to pick from to bring into a relationship(that you like), try to remember that you are taking a risk at multiple things that can make you go through what you(we, I should say) have already dealt with. What I'm going to do is make SURE of what I want.I will take plenty of time to realize what and who is worth my while and in the end, we can only hope that the next person we pick will not do this to us. It seems to me like the chances of making another mistake in loving someone is too great. Can you relate to my ideas? Your feedback would be very interesting to hear considering how your post relates to my break up so closely and how I see things from a similar point of view. Maybe we can help each other realize more about these frigging relationships : D and who the right person is for me/you.
What Mike says here is so true and applicable to all of us.

There is always a risk when we let someone get close to us. But there is a benefit too, especially when that closeness pays off into happiness. But.. there is no guarantee. There is no lifetime guarantee in purchasing a car, a house, a horse, or anything else either... They all need caretaking of some sort, and when we find the car is not right for us, we look for another model. Get the picture?? We learn by trial and error - accepting our mistakes and living with it.

Why do we let people into our hearts? Good question.. because we need and want to share love, tenderness and warmth. Every one of us does. And we know that it takes sometimes many attempts in this search.

After so many failures and pain, should we keep on trying? You bet.. Don't give up till you take your last breath. This is human nature and without it we would belong to the wrong species.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_14.gif

You've learned something important and valuable, know yourself and love yourself first.

I agree wholeheartedly; if you improve yourself, love yourself you become "valuable" to others because they see who you are and see what a prize you are.

Get over it talinaman : D.

However, it does hurt being "tossed" aside by the person who claimed that you are one of the most important people in their lives. Its as if they have never said that,then what should I beieve when the nexrt person says the same thing

You can't think like that. Have you never ended a relationship? At the time you feel those things but feelings can fade. That is no ones fault. Its not fair to beat yourself up and bring up every little thing someone said. My last serious boyfriend told me in the same sentence that he wanted to marry me and break up with me. Talk about mixed messages right? People say what they mean and don't always back those things up those are the people who are not right for you. The person who says you are the most important thing and backs it up is the right guy.

It would be wrong of you to carry this into a new relationship and think that the next person will do the same thing. If you keep thinking that it will then become a self-fulfilling prophecy and next thing you know every guy has walked away.

Go slow Vivia12; the period after something like this happens is tough but you do get to know yourself much better, and what you really need and want from a relationship.

As far as "what should I believe when the next person says the same thing" goes I would suggest that maybe we learn something from the last time. I'm not saying that you shouldn't be open to a new relationship when the time comes but when it does just go slow. Even in the beginning of a relationship there are "signs" that should not be ignored, if you see them then address them with yourself and your partner. But never give up on finding the right person they're out there.

Sometimes you do everything you can in a relationship and still something like this happens. It's not all one persons' fault you need to work together with the right person, if the "match" is right then both have to make a commitment.

I understand Stringer, right now all I feel is hurt and long to reach out to him by a single email, but ask myself why, he never had problems initaiteing emails,or calls and we'd go back and forth. Its been a couple of months now, I have spoken to him now and then (get it ? Now and then,usually when he doesn't hear from me for a while) I hate this waiting,hoping clinging and knows it does no good for me that is. I'm truly afraid to open up my heart like this again,but I do believe there will be someone who will back what they say,but you're right,I shouldn't be negative

I understand Stringer, right now all I feel is hurt and long to reach out to him by a single email, but ask myself why, he never had problems initaiteing emails,or calls and we'd go back and forth. Its been a couple of months now, I have spoken to him now and then (get it ? Now and then,usually when he doesn't hear from me for a while) I hate this waiting,hoping clinging and knows it does no good for me that is. I'm truly afraid to open up my heart like this again,but I do believe there will be someone who will back what they say,but you're right,I shouldn't be negative

It will take time. Don't push yourself. Give yourself time to retreat and lick your wounds. One of these days you will find yourself feeling that some guy is cute and hey, yeah maybe dinner isn't such a bad idea. Maybe initially it will just be to get back in the game and then you will meet someone who you will get into another relationship with. It just takes time. You can't force anything it will come when its right.

However, it does hurt beeing "tossed" aside by the person who claimed that you are one of the most important people in their lives. Its as if they have never said that,then what should I beieve when the nexrt person says the same thing I feel the same way. It especially hurts when you find out that the person was cheating on you practically from day one and the whole thing and the future you wanted with them was a lie/will never proceed. You do not feel like you still love them but you will be in awe for a long time over it and will be afraid to start another relationship(I'm speaking in vivia's and my voice mostly) I am afraid to see her face because it makes things go back to the day I found out about her cheating. When the phone rings, I always (and I can't help it) feel my heart jump and my breathe ceases. I feel like I'll be lured into another trap by her and the sound of the phone is a trip wire. The reason I feel scared like this is because I know I will pick up the phone if she calls because I am still zealous to know what it was... I don't know how to say what I want to express but those who have experienced the feeling... know what I mean.

"The world is crooked. Our axis is on a tilt"

Even in the beginning of a relationship there are "signs" that should not be ignored, if you see them…
To me if you see them... the least painless way to deal with it in my opinion is GET THE H*LL out before it's too late. Like saying "I need space" and "I'm not ready for a relationship right now"(when you're already in one!! ). And I thought of these signs I wish I could have seen in my previous relationship. All the things that I was suspicious of but was convinced that they were not true(by her), ended up to be true and everything was a lie. Don't act like you always know what your partner's doing because people are so unbelievably and devastatingly devious. All the very small suspicions I had from the beginning twisted my screw just a little bit more and then it was so far in that the plank cracked. I found proof that ALL the times she wasn't supposed to be doing anything I should worry about(and I wasn't worried), I should've been because she was having sex with another guy probably everyday she had some bull sh*t reason I couldn't see her. I think this is what Glinda means by signs but maybe in a less critical sense. And knowing this now is what leaves the mark that lasts the longest. Hey they always say we'll get past and I hope us people do but at the point in time we experience this, It never seems that way and that what leads you to even more self loathing.

It is so easy to blame others because we don't know. But if we are the ones not seeing things for what they are, who's fault is it?? Sometimes the blame is ours because we ignored all the red flags!

Vivia12, trust me on this one, you will be fine. I know how hard it is (been there quite a few times) but I suggest (strongly) that you don't call, email or "stop by." Try to put yourself kind of "above" this all, I mean in those moments when you feel a little stronger try to remove yourself emotionally and then possibly you can see/feel a little more objectively.

I know how sometimes it really hurts, but do you want it to continue like it was? I don't think so, not really. Each day will make you stronger. If you are religious then I suggest also that you share some quiet time and say a prayer, you may find some strength there.

Let us know how you are doing hon. As my Mama always said; "God will never give you more than you can handle." I'm not as religious as I probably should be, but Mama was.

Sometimes the blame is ours because we ignored all the red flags!! Pretty much what I was trying to say but more to the point and I agree 100%. But who's fault is it when we don't realize things? It isn't always the persons fault because so many of these types of things…when they happen and the person doesn't know about it, it is practically impossible to find it out for themselves. But that's why I tried to state that if it feels like the person is trying to evade your human instinct, you should just realize that they are trying to play games with your head and if you go on and find out that your suspicions were correct, you will be more hurt than if you were to take the e-ticket. I don't know why I'm hearing things about taking responsibility because in my relationship I did absolutely everything I could to find the truth and it turned into even more of a disaster than if I would have just said “screw this girl, there's more out there for me.”

And what the h*ll do you mean exactly by "when will i take responsibility?"

and what the h*ll do you mean exactly by "when will i take responsibility?"
It means instead of going along with the program, you should have had your own friggin' program. It means why the f# did you put so much on her, that you put nothing on yourself! YOU had as much choice for your actions, as she did, and to put all the blame on some one else is immature, as it tries to make you the victim, and her a predator. YOU made a choice in every step of this relationship! So you share as much of the burden for it not working as she does. Nobody put a gun to your head to make you a fool!! Now grow up and be a MAN and stop whining like a baby!! So is the way of life!!

I feel the same way. It especially hurts when you find out that the person was cheating on you practically from day one and the whole thing and the future you wanted with them was a lie/will never proceed. You do not feel like you still love them but you will be in awe for a long time over it and will be afraid to start another relationship(I'm speaking in vivia's and my voice mostly) I am afraid to see her face because it makes things go back to the day I found out about her cheating. When the phone rings, I always (and I can't help it) feel my heart jump and my breathe ceases. I feel like I'll be lured into another trap by her and the sound of the phone is a trip wire. The reason I feel scared like this is because I know I will pick up the phone if she calls because I am still zealous to know what it was...I don't know how to say what I want to express but those who have experienced the feeling...know what I mean.

"The world is crooked. Our axis is on a tilt"

Sorry for quoting everything, but its like everything mike . Is saying I'm feeling exactly the same way. Except mine hated his ex so I'm not worried there, but feelings are the same its like the phones the enemy,you look at it taunting you with you have O message, and wonder when it will be filled with calls from either him,(tough luck if it does happen) or maybe a new person, I am being hopeful. Cool, Hope you can reply let me know your story too,helps to know that others feel that way M.

It is so easy to blame others because we don't know. but if we are the ones not seeing things for what they are, who's fault is it??? Sometimes the blame is ours because we ignored all the red flags!!

No tal,there are devious people out there,in th emost extreme cases I may add,look at these women who trust their husbands and their bodies end up somewhere,I know I'm being extreme but people will tend to decieve you especially when they know they have you on the palm of their hands

It will take time. Don't push yourself. Give yourself time to retreat and lick your wounds. One of these days you will find yourself feeling that some guy is cute and hey, yeah maybe dinner isn't such a bad idea. Maybe intially it will just be to get back in the game and then you will meet someone who you will get into another relationship with. It just takes time. You can't force anything it will come when its right.


Thanks for your encouragement, believe me if I can meet someone I probably would be, what that guy I drooled and grovel over, What was I thinking Nut its sad, hemet someone so he doesn't have to feel left out the way I do, its like they did the dumping and get the happy ending,

Who reaps and what they didn't sow,seems to be me.. feeling a bithopeful though

I know I'm being extreme but people will tend to decieve you especially when they know they have you on the palm of their hands
Then don't ALLOW yourself in the palm of some ones hand! Ain't that much love in the world!! LOVE AND RESPECT YOURSELF! Don't go for that dumb shat that get thrown at you.

Then don't ALLOW yourself in the palm of some ones hand!! Ain't that much love in the world!!! LOVE AND RESPECT YOURSELF! Don't go for that dumb shat that get thrown at you.

Absolutley right,that's was my mistakes, always at the palm of someone's hands I basically throw everything at them,my heart ,my being,my hopes while they it seems did the same then they hold back,which is something I could learn from

I would take this relationship and try to learn as much from it as possible. It is so easy to get swept up in someone and lose yourself. You have to set boundaries and stick to them you also have to take it slow. The next relationship you get into you will apply the lessons you learn from this past one. It will get better and better and better.

Also don't feel like he is out living the high life. You have no idea what's going on with him and this other gal. She could be a complete nightmare and he could be miserable. I have a story that might help. I was crazy, CRAZY about this guy and he left me and I was crushed. This girl he left me for seemed like she had everything I was lacking and I was so mad that he found some great girl while I was moping. About 6 months later I was talking to a girl I used to work with who knew my ex and told me that the girl ended up being a complete psycho. He caught her in his place when he came home early from work (she had broken in through an open window). She then stalked him and did a bunch of other crazy things and my friend said my ex was completely miserable and he had even said that he can't believe he broke up with me for this other girl. So you never know.

Vivia12; you responded to me and said "Mike" not stringer. It doesn't matter, no problem. How are you feeling today?

Vivia12; you responded to me and said "Mike" not stringer. it doesn't matter, no problem. How are you feeling today?

So sorry Stringer, I sent you a message yesterday thanking you. Hope I didn't put Mike. Sorry so messed up,I am feeling much better today,and taking all of your advice,well except I did slip and emailed him a few wods asking him about how his dog was doing,because it was sick and he told me things are not going that great,for him and the dog,(I was hoping it was between him and the new gal:)
But its okay,he said he liked to talk to me on the weekends, but I paused a bit and didn't reply yet because every time I do talk to him I start getting Titanic tears afterwards because I couldn't stand him being ,casual when I'm wanting more. Plus I'm the one who initiated this, but I am healing and learrning as I go.
I'm not sure about strictly NC, but I'll learn if I don't hear from him not to panic, there are plenty of good people here,especially in this forum I can turn to.

You're right Glinda, I don't know what's going on,well I tried and by what he's told me he;s not having he time of his life,stressed,problems etc. I thought since he ditched me for this girl he's having the time of his life and here I was wallowing

All that means is that you can give yourself permission to live a good life. Shift your focus. Living good is in all honesty the best revenge. Do whatever makes you feel good and makes you happy. Pick up new hobbies, get new shoes a new haircut whatever can be a symbol to you that you are starting fresh.

so sorry Stringer, I sent you a message yesterday thanking you. hope I didnt put Mike. sorry so messed up,I am feeling much better today,and taking all of your advice,well except i did slip and emailed him a few wods asking him about how his dog was doing,cuz it was sick and he told me things are not going that great,for him and the dog,(I was hoping it was between him and the new gal:)
but its okay,he said he liked to talk to me on the weekends, but I paused a bit and didnt reply yet because everytime i do talk to him I start getting Titanic tears afterwards because i couldnt stand him being ,casual when i'm wanting more. Plus i'm the one who initiated this, but i am healing and learrning as I go.
I'm not sure about strictly NC, but i'll learn if i dont hear from him not to panic, there are plenty of good people here,especially in this forum I can turn to.

You betcha hon! Hang in there I can feel that you are getting your strength back. Some time ago when I was going through the same thing a very wise lady friend told me. "You begin to heal the first time you begin to get ANGRY." "Angry at him (in your case) but especially at yourself for allowing him to do this to you." "Anger in this case is a good thing it initiates the healing process and you finally say ENOUGH OF THIS!"

Hoe you get angry...

Stringer

I was angry before, boy I wrote hateful goodbye letters to him (which I didn't send,thank goodness) but then I fall into the he did this to me, I'm worthless, but then I read those letters again,and all of this speaks true about who really is not what I thought him to be.
Any more wise sayings anyone, I like the one that lady told you Stringer

If you think anger rocks wait till you get to indifference! Woo that is the BEST!

Too many people think that hate is the opposite of love but hate still requires emotion indifference is the direct opposite of love. Just you wait vivia it's a grand place to be!

I personally find that after a break up its really helpful to assign blame fully to the other person. It also helps to focus on any the negative traits of that person. Once you gain better perspective you can start to go "well yeah some of that was me" but right nowits all him!

If you think anger rocks wait till you get to indifference! Woo that is the BEST!

Too many people think that hate is the opposite of love but hate still requires emotion indifference is the direct opposite of love. Just you wait vivia its a grand place to be!

I personally find that after a break up its really helpful to assign blame fully to the other person. It also helps to focus on any the negative traits of that person. Once you gain better perspective you can start to go "well yeah some of that was me" but right nowits all him!

You are right about this Glinda, now it has to be about her and only her that's a necessity so she can protect herself.

Vivia12; you responded to me and said "Mike" not stringer. it doesn't matter, no problem. How are you feeling today?
Lmao

If you think anger rocks wait till you get to indifference! Woo that is the BEST!

Too many people think that hate is the opposite of love but hate still requires emotion indifference is the direct opposite of love. Just you wait vivia its a grand place to be!

I personally find that after a break up its really helpful to assign blame fully to the other person. It also helps to focus on any the negative traits of that person. Once you gain better perspective you can start to go "well yeah some of that was me" but right nowits all him!


You are right,so right, the key is indifference, hell he loves to act like that with me whenever we talk,makes me wonder if its all an act or is that really how he feels,anyway, I am starting to see him for who he really is not why why why was I not good enough for him. You can't believe how many times I had to run to the student mental health center all torn up in tears because of this guy. On February,we had an argument (basically,he kept on talking about women he found attractive and wanted to date I was like ?) It tuirned ou tto be a big mess and then he said cruel things to me along with,lets take a break, anyone heard that before,Lets take a BREAK?
All along I found out he used that 'break" to ask this other girl out,and he. Gosh! How can I he admitted that to me after he was drunk, how, can I been so STUPID and BLIND!! Now I'm pissed and feel real.. dumb

Okay,here's the hardest part,
NC and not letting him contact me which is part of NC. But to me the hardest hardest thing to do. I always answer my calls unless I don't hear them (hmmmm,there's an idea)
To me talkingto him,whenever he feels like calling me wheich is once in cajun moon when he has nothing better to do I guess,isn't it like giving him the message, hey its okay you dumped me so now I'll accept second class citizenship and be your friend. Its sayingits okay when its not,many people advisedme to do so,including you ll. But won't that chase him away for good? Funny question,he does a good job doing that himself,keeping away

My last ex would call even after I told him I had to do no contact to get over him. I'm just like you I always answer my phone and usually without looking at who is calling. So I decide to help me not pick it up I downloaded the theme music from the movie Halloween and had that as his identifying ring on my cell. I never picked up.

My last ex would call even after I told him I had to do no contact to get over him. I'm just like you I always answer my phone and usually without looking at who is calling. So I decide to help me not pick it up I downloaded the theme music from the movie Halloween and had that as his identifying ring on my cell. I never picked up.

So cool, I need to do that! Just sent you message, I have to get that in my cell

Just remember he's with someone else. If you keep in contact with him, you may end up eventually finding out something that will bring you down again. I can't give general examples but from my experience, I should've never trusted her from the beginning. But when I broke up w/ her I still talked to her and I felt great because I thought I knew what had been going on. But then I found out that she was cheating on me the whole time and it put me right back where I started. Try not to make the same mistake as me. But anyway I think I recall you saying he was seeing someone anyway. Sounds as bad as it can get? Sounds it but it can get even worse. He has the ability to deceive you even further than ever at this point when you want to be just friends with him. He could all the sudden just decide he doesn't want to talk to you anymore and then you'll be even more hurt. When I broke up with her and just wanted to be friends, I was actually more attached than I realized and then I got my hopes up on her again.This is when I found out she was cheating on me. I don't know if you can understand where I'm coming from. I am not sure but I think you may be more attached to him now than you realize just by the contact you have with him. Be careful!!

vivia!! Clean your mailbox so I can send you messages LOL. I have one I copied and pastred to word and saved it. Ill try when I get back next week. Gone the weekend so byeeee, hope you are going to be okay.

vivia!!!!!! clean ur mailbox so i can send you messages LOL. I have one i copied and pastred to word and saved it. Ill try when I get back next week. Gone the weekend so byeeee, hope you are gonna b okay.


Hey mike,
Sorry about my mailbox I tend to keep everything so now I deleted it so I can make room for more messages :)
I will heed to what you and everyone says in that matter because believe me, he may as well just do that, just not contact me anymore because he's obviously way not interested and the same with so call "friendship too" I
So I will in turn cut that chord,even though tiner part of me is holding on but its getting gless and less!

I still don't know whether to think the guy likes you. But it's like what I wanted when my relationship ended. To be friends but not completely excommunicated. Maybe that's what he wanted or maybe he realizes what he lost. Unless he shows up at your doorstep, I say to h3ll with them

I sent you a new message vivia =P

Yep, to hell with him! He shouldn't run the show

In my case,I was wondring, I had to tell the ex,who broke up w/ me last summer,and who calls and wants to stay friends that I couldn't do it, I finally did that after six months of pretending to be friends while he dated someone else,while I wait for whatever scraps he threw my way basically. I was following the NC rule for almost two months, but broke it several times, responding to his 'where are you,what happened to you' inquiring calls by emailing letting him know I'm doing fine and wishing him Joyful Holiday season(,which I really didn't mean, lthe lesser of two evils) . I was trying to avoid his calls,yes I'm chicken I shouldve told him not to call but do you actually announce NC? The thing he said something real hurtful the last time we interacted that made me realize to stay away from him. Now that I left him alone that made him more curious, which was not my intention,I just wasn't there waiting for his scraps anymore and having false hope.. he'd send mix messages flirting with me acting like he wants me but then he's avoid me,giving me the cold shoulder. This went on for 6 months. I was doing great on partial NC it seems but now that I finally gave him spoke to him not to long ago, the pain restarted again and I finally told him I couldn't be friends,I'm not ready its not working for me. Did anyone had to do this? Is it the right thing? I still want him back,help.

It seems to me like he does not want to fully let go of you and avoiding him makes him want you more as a friend or whatever. I personally don't agree with being in a relationship with someone and them keeping contact with an Ex especially if there were no children from the relationship I feel that it is wrong to the new partner. If you can't be friends then let him go and ignore him period there is no need for you to continue hurting yourself and digging up old feelings for him every time you talk. Cut your loses and move on with your life. Time will tell what his true intensions are. He might be sincere about only wanting your friendhip or he could be playing a cruel game of keeping you as a backup. If the later is true he will come back to you and "if" you take him back it will continue to happen. Hope this helps.

Well he does mainly keep in touch just to check on me,reading other people's posts that their exes check on them,even if it hurts. I'm sorry if I'm not empathetic his new partner's feelings,since he dumped me for her,but the reality is chose her and is still with her,I don't know what his inentions are,maybe back up? Not like he'll spill it out. I had to tell him just can't pretend to be his friend keeping contact,even though that's all I want to do is talk to him,but talking to him did reopen all wounds,thanks mraquino.

I Feel Your Pain Sweetie But He Made His Choice Or Bed So To Speak So Now Let Him Lie In It. He Nneds To Take Responsibility For His Actions And Let You Go If He Doesn't Want You. And You Need To Be Strong And Move On That Is Just My Personal Thoughts. I Think If You Let Him Go You Will Find Someone Who Loves And Adores You For You And Won't Want Anyone Else. I Have Been Through This And Luckily After Time I Was Blessed With A Great Man. We Are Best Friends, Lovers, Conpanions And Everything To Each other. Be Patient And When You Are Not Looking For It Is When He'll (mr. Right) Will Jump Up In Your Face. I Still Think You Did The Right Thing. You Have To Look Out For Yourself. ALSO, YOU ARE NOT SAD JUST GOING THROUGH A ROUGH TIME AND COPING WITH THE ISSUE.

short answer is no. there is nothing wrong with you saying "go away"

the question for you is what do you gain from contacting him? I see very little for you to gain.

yes... there's nothing like an ex's absence to make you wonder what they are up to. Even if he's not intentionally playing mind games, he is. Even if he's not thinking about manipulating you and bringing up memories that you'd rather get past, he is.

is nice to have our ex's pining for us. Its nice to think they are missing us and they need us still in some way. It's a little ego boost. Well... that's well and good, but you are more than his stepstool for an ego boost. He has lost you and he needs to feel the full effect of that loss. And given your state of mind, I think that means you need all ties to him cut through and through.

no guilt. No stress. No apologies.

you don't have to be hurtful or mean. But you have every right to tell him you aren't interested in him or his friendship and you expect him to leave you alone. You are moving on, and he's only being a distraction. Anything less from him is unacceptable and unwanted.

I am casual friends with one ex. My wife is good friends with an ex as well. It can happen. It usually doesn't... at least not until you are far away from that place and all the wounds and hurt are long since healed. By that time you've made peace with it being in your past, over and done, and that person is no longer a part of the equation tied to your intimate happiness.

so... don't worry about his feelings for one minute. Tell him you really are done and you just don't want to pretend to "play nice"... that being a friend to him isn't your obligation or job. Done. Period. Over.

I appreciate this,its inspiring to know that love does happen, but after this incident or getting hurt, how can one truly believe to find love? I truly deep inside my heart thought he was the One, I thought we had some sort of connection that he'd only want me. Funny how you feel or want something and thinks the other person are in the same page as you but is not. That's why I think he keeps in touch I was always his core support system, I met him after he broke up w/his girlfriend. Yes rebound,the story unravels. Don't mean to sound negative, but I don't want to put do this again, fall for someone only to have them outt the rug from under you

I had a beautiful thing with this girl and then things got out of control,we are separated and all.I can't speak to her because she braked her promises and so she became something like a traitor to me and I think that she doesn't deserves to speak with me.I suffer a lot from this but I prefer to isolate myself from exs.If I can't keep them at least I keep my pried.

Hon,

It takes work and sometimes its not enough. I've had three "loves of my life"... two ended badly. First one was 7 years (but I was young), second was two years (but bad timing)... third is my wife of 8 years now, 10 years together.

Let yourself be a little jaded. It'll help you get over him. Then, at some point, that gets boring as hell and you try again.

And sometimes again, and again, and again.

It isn't wrong that you can have a special connection with a great person, and that it falls apart. Like I said I've had at least two relationships come apart largely because of "bad timing"...

The older I got, the more I understood what I really needed... yeah, its tough being patient, and boring to be alone, but the heartache lets you understand what you need, if you look at it with the right perspective.

Sure... by the time I met my wife I didn't have puppy love eyes anymore. I had some emotional baggage. I had a past to deal with. I had to get over some fears. OK.

Those were all things that, once past, helped form a strong relationship.

You get kicked in the teeth sometimes. Get up. Its worth it.

You don't have to be happy about having to sludge through the worries and frets of finding another relationship... most of the time when I tried hard to find one I didn't find anything... it was always feast or famine... I went over a year and a half without seeing anyone I was interested in.

Then suddenly, poof, there were three girls I liked who were interested in me and I had to chose. I know, poor baby.

So... it hurts. It sucks. You're mortal. Me too.

It gets better in time, and you keep on trying until something sticks. Most people have to try and try and try before something right really is right.

I appreciate your thorough insight K2171, and its very inspiring that you finally found love after unsuccessful ones. Seems as if that's other people's story not mine.
Have to say, it was very tough for me to recover from this one, you don't know how many posts I read or anything thast had to do with getting an ex back. I really wanted him back,part of me still do somewhere in the future I always think it will happen. I knowits silly,but another part of me says,why so you can get kicked in the teeth again?Since he found someone wanted it to be a race and find someone too, at least I won't feel rejected. This whole relationship or half of relationship was really effecting myself esteem. L felt he had all the power because he didn't want me and could easily walk away. And now he gets the happy ending while I pick up the pieces? Sorry sound bitter,just working through this,but I can say I am truly afraid of getting kicked again

No!!

My ex emailed me this past Monday after NC for 3 months. She told me she never wanted to hear from me again last September and I kept to that. My situation is a little different because it was a lesbian relationship (my first one) that I was in for 2 years when she left me for someone else last July. She is still with this person that she is “totally in love” with according to her my space. I checked it on Monday to see if they were still together before I decided if I would email her back. I wasn’t going to but after a day of thinking about it I did and I told her to lose my email and any other way of contacting me because I don’t need her to complicate my life anymore.

I also thought she was the one for me, and we were going to be together forever. I also met her right after she left her other girlfriend. I don’t understand why she contacted me but I don’t want to get caught up in false hope anymore. I told her that she choose to leave me and I would respect now that she leave me alone so I can move on. I still have feelings for her so talking to her would not do me any good, because I will always want more and not find happiness elsewhere. If you still have feelings for him like I do for her I don’t think it’s healthy to stay in touch. It hurts to know they are with someone I really don’t want to pretend that is doesn’t bother me when it does

I know exactly what you're going through!In my opinion you should not be friends with him, completely cut him out of your life.Act as though he is dead to you. That is what I'm going to do from now on. How many times are you going to allow this person to walk all over you?If he was worth it he would have never broken up with you in the first place! It might sound harsh but you don't owe him anything the sooner you get him out of your life the sooner all this heartache can stop and you can find someone better. Trust me I know how you are feeling! You think there will be no one better and that maybe if you hang around he will realise that he's made a mistake by letting you go but honestly how long are you willing to wait for him because I assure you until you are waiting you will not find someone better because you won't even give other guys a fair chance. Before I was with my ex I went out with a wonderful guy for many years and unfortunately it didn't work out but it gives you hope that there will be someone better because honey there will be!Before you know it!Just think how awesome your going to feel knowing that he has no power over you anymore I bet he will feel like sh* then!My break up is really recent and if you read my posts you'll see that I was hoping that he will see the light and fell for the flirting etc only to be told that its not going to happen and once again I find myself in this same crappy situation but honestly I have decided to take control. You just have to say enough is enough, don't let any man have such an impact on your life!

I know exactly what you're going through!In my opinion you should not be friends with him, completely cut him out of your life.Act as though he is dead to you. That is what I'm going to do from now on. How many times are you going to allow this person to walk all over you?If he was worth it he would have never broken up with you in the first place! It might sound harsh but you dont owe him anything the sooner you get him out of your life the sooner all this heartache can stop and you can find someone better. Trust me I know how you are feeling! you think there will be no one better and that maybe if you hang around he will realise that he's made a mistake by letting you go but honestly how long are you willing to wait for him because I assure you until you are waiting you will not find someone better because you wont even give other guys a fair chance. Before I was with my ex I went out with a wonderful guy for many years and unfortunately it didnt work out but it gives you hope that there will be someone better because honey there will be!Before you know it!Just think how awesome your going to feel knowing that he has no power over you anymore I bet he will feel like sh* then!My break up is really recent and if you read my posts you'll see that I was hoping that he will see the light and fell for the flirting etc only to be told that its not going to happen and once again I find myself in this same crappy situation but honestly I have decided to take control. You just have to say enough is enough, dont let any man have such an impact on your life!!


Thanks Disney and G,it hirts and I hate longing for him,talking to him brought back the same old feelings and now I have to see a therapist again. How is it so easy for seomeone to have such an impact like this? And he just moves on

Glad you have chosen to do that which protects you, we all know how hard it was. It will get better.

viva, id walk away from this guy he's chosen someone else... you will pine for him and you will be confused for a while but if you stay there your doing two things:

1) Hurting yourself by being his friend your just going to be confused and sad
2) Make it easy for him. Your giving him the best of both worlds.. he can date other women and have you to lean on when he needs you!

Let this one go.. it will be terribly hard I know, a lot of us are there right now but you aren't going to get better in your current situation. Call/text/email him and say I respect your decision to leave and now respect mine to not be in touch because it hurts too much.. he'll either understand or get angry but you have to do it. Then try your very best to forget him and move on.

Ive told my ex twice I can't be friends with her and I'm now trying my very best to stick to N/C... you should do the same!

viva, id walk away from this guy he's chosen someone else....you will pine for him and you will be confused for a while but if you stay there your doing two things:

1) Hurting yourself by being his friend your just gonna be confused and sad
2) Make it easy for him. your giving him the best of both worlds..he can date other women and have you to lean on when he needs you!!

Let this one go..it will be terribly hard i know, alot of us are there right now but you arent gonna get better in your current situation. call/text/email him and say i respect your decision to leave and now respect mine to not be in touch because it hurts too much..he'll either understand or get angry but you have to do it. then try your very best to forget him and move on.

Ive told my ex twice i can't be friends with her and im now trying my very best to stick to N/C...you should do the same!!


Thanks for replying to my post Maggie, I told him that I'm not ready to be friends,but didn't tell him never to call, I know that's my mistake, I just wasn't ready to do that,but I canot keep in touch with someone who obviously didn't think I was good enough for them, can't do it, Cant!

In my case,I was wondring, i had to tell the ex,who broke up w/ me last summer,and who calls and wants to stay friends that I couldnt do it, i finally did that after six months of pretending to be friends while he dated someone else,while I wait for whatever scraps he threw my way basically. I was following the NC rule for almost two months, but broke it several times, responding to his 'where are you,what happened to you' inquiring calls by emailing letting him know i'm doing fine and wishing him Joyful Holiday season(,which i really didnt mean, lthe lesser of two evils) . I was trying to avoid his calls,yes i'm chicken i shouldve told him not to call but do you actually announce NC? The thing he said something real hurtful the last time we interacted that made me realize to stay away from him. Now that i left him alone that made him more curious, which was not my intention,i just wasnt there waiting for his scraps anymore and having false hope.. he'd send mix msgs flirting with me acting like he wants me but then he's avoid me,giving me the cold shoulder. This went on for 6 months. i was doing great on partial NC it seems but now that i finally gave him spoke to him not to long ago, the pain restarted again and i finally told him i couldnt be friends,i'm not ready its not working for me. Did anyone had to do this? is it the right thing? I still want him back,help.

It is absolutely right to tell the dumper you do not want friendship. They dumped you. You were not good enough to be their partner, why would you be good enough to be their friend?

His motives on attempting to maintain a friendship are entirely selfish. He may not even relaise he is being selfish.

If you are "friends" he gets to maintain a relationship with you on his terms. That helps him to ease his guilt about ending the relationship and also allows him to have a back up. Again, he may not realise his motives are selfish, but that is the net effect.

If you still want to be with him then it will be an uneven friendship.

Tell him your feelings. If you want to try again tell him that. If he is not interested then you need to commence strict no contact, no exceptions. Tell him the reason you are doing that, so you can move on and heal. It is not fair on you to be kept around with no interest from him, that is not healthy.

It is absolutely right to tell the dumper you do not want friendship. They dumped you. You were not good enought to be their partner, why would you be good enough to be their friend??

His motives on attempting to maintain a friendship are entirely selfish. He may not even relaise he is being selfish.

If you are "friends" he gets to maintain a relationship with you on his terms. That helps him to ease his guilt about ending the relationship and also allows him to have a back up. Again, he may not realise his motives are selfish, but that is the net effect.

If you still want to be with him then it will be an uneven friendship.

Tell him your feelings. If you want to try again tell him that. If he is not interested then you need to commence strict no contact, no exceptions. Tell him the reason you are doing that, so you can move on and heal. It is not fair on you to be kept around with no interest from him, that is not healthy.


Everything you said is head on,I did the friendship thing for a good while and it was entirely on his terms,he was getting the benefit of me always being there while he gets to run around with someone else and I get nothing. Whenever he makes the time to call,I can hear that smug satisfied,'man, did I get laid real good last night' in his voice,even when he didn't say anything.I hated it,hated keeping that false front that I'm okay with this crumbs of friendship, when I'm not. Couldn't do that anymore and I told him that it didn't work for me. All this could have been avoided,when he first rejected me to do NC, BTU you do live and learn. I'm going to print your answer as well as everyone else's feel free to add more opinions,it helps tremendously:)

Everything you said is head on,I did the friendship thing for a good while and it was entirely on his terms,he was getting the benefit of me always being there while he gets to run around with someone else and I get nothing. Whenever he makes the time to call,i can hear that smug satisfied,'man, did I get laid real good last night' in his voice,even when he didnt say anything.I hated it,hated keeping that false front that i'm okay with this crumbs of friendship, when i'm not. Couldnt do that anymore and i told him that it didnt work for me. All this could have been avoided,when he first rejected me to do NC, btu you do live and learn. I'm going to print your answer as well as everyone elses feel free to add more opinions,it helps tremendously:)

That is exaclty it. I am sure that if you continue with this "friendship" on his terms, by the time he is back on his feet and totally over you, the friendship that he was so concerned about will be worthless and he will not be interested. That is not genuine friendship.

Put yourself first.

In my case,I was wondring, i had to tell the ex,who broke up w/ me last summer,and who calls and wants to stay friends that I couldnt do it, i finally did that after six months of pretending to be friends while he dated someone else,while I wait for whatever scraps he threw my way basically. I was following the NC rule for almost two months, but broke it several times, responding to his 'where are you,what happened to you' inquiring calls by emailing letting him know i'm doing fine and wishing him Joyful Holiday season(,which i really didnt mean, lthe lesser of two evils) . I was trying to avoid his calls,yes i'm chicken i shouldve told him not to call but do you actually announce NC? The thing he said something real hurtful the last time we interacted that made me realize to stay away from him. Now that i left him alone that made him more curious, which was not my intention,i just wasnt there waiting for his scraps anymore and having false hope.. he'd send mix msgs flirting with me acting like he wants me but then he's avoid me,giving me the cold shoulder. This went on for 6 months. i was doing great on partial NC it seems but now that i finally gave him spoke to him not to long ago, the pain restarted again and i finally told him i couldnt be friends,i'm not ready its not working for me. Did anyone had to do this? is it the right thing? I still want him back,help.

The dumper and the dumpee. Always the cat and the mice game. In all this game, the only confused one, is the dumpee. The dumpee always makes questions, wonders what if, tries to bring the ex back, cries, stalks, write letters, worries about the ex and her life, tries to interpret the dumper´s actions and give the dumper´s words another connotation and interpreting as his mind wants, lives with illusions and the fantasm of his past, hurts himself even more with things like Friendship (hypocritical as hell), never understands why in reality the dumper left, and never ever tries to get something as an experience from all what happened. The dumper knows absolutely everything what he is doing and how his reactions or actions will influence the dumpee´s life and make the dumpee live in a living hell. The dumper also goes to a point where all her reactions, words she said, whatever she did, will be justified and there is only one phrase the dumpee will hear: "im sorry, you missunderstood everything, i was trying to act only as a friend, and im sorry if i gave you false hopes". Now her reactions are justified and she can play as long as she can with this thing of Friendship and this status quo. And the dumpee dies another time. This time for real. He was "ok" with being friends, in fact as a way to get the ex back (and the ex knew it already, since the day the dumpee said OK to her absurde willing to be friends), but even that way, the ex didn't wanted back. It's the time when the dumpee has no more nerves waiting around for the ex to come back. Is the time when he understands that he can't bring back, or better to say, the ex doesn't want to come back (although there are dumpees who still think "maybe she will change the mind"), and he gets nervous, angry with the ex, hates the ex to the point where he doesn't want to talk to her anymore, etc. He doesn't want to hear from the dumper anymore. He doestn want her friendship, her contact, nothing more. And know why? Again, because the dumper didn't wanted to come back. All this just happens because of the dumpee. Instead of just letting go, as the dumper wanted to go out absolutely at her own, and for her, the relation was not worth anymore (the dumpee doesn't take it in consideration), like it was for the dumpee, he does everything to bring her back in a place where she doesn't want to come. The dumpee will never make this question to himself ´why did she dumped me´. From that question we will give ourself the opportunity to learn from this experience. Was it me, or was it her? If it was me, what can I do? What can I do to be a better person, not what can I do to bring her back, because there is nothing, absolutely nothing you can do to bring someone back. Nor you should try.

Very interesting,well this was an LDR,and they really don't work not trying gto get him back anymore,I know better. You make it seem like the dumper has the upper hand,though it may seem that way,they are not. I firmly believe in what goes around comes around. He was once a dumpee too. My thing is what I am starting to see, dumpees,rejectees should all smarten up and do NC,that's what I'm doing and I am not lying, it really helps you heal and reflect tremendoulsy to a point where you say, wow, I like not hurting, it feels good not having this big hole/pain in my chest whenever I wake up in the morning,hmmmm maybe more NC!

That is exaclty it. I am sure that if you continue with this "friendship" on his terms, by the time he is back on his feet and totally over you, the friendship that he was so concerned about will be worthless and he will not be interested. That is not genuine friendship.

Put yourself first.

Also bear in mind that by initiating this strict NC you are sending a clear message to him, you will not settle for second best. Whatever happens that can only be positive. You will have the initial turmoil of losing him but that will disappear over time and in the long run you will be much happier, whatever happens.

Maintaining a "friendship" allows him to get over you and heal, at your expense, by breaking away from you slowly. NC allows you to do the healing, without him distracting you.

I know more than anyone, and my timescale is very similar to yours. I allowed my ex to run the "friends" line for nearly 6 months, she was clearly using me, though as with a lot of dumpers, there probably wasn't any malicious intent in it. We spoke about trying again, she said no. I told her we couldn't be in contact anymore.

That was nearly 6 months ago. It demonstrates that I did the right thing. If she was that keen on friendship like she said she certainly wouldn't have let me go that easily. That is not true friendship.

She also did not even contact me on my birthday. Again, a selfishness demonstrated by her behaviour that shows me NC was the best thing.

Thanks for replying to my post Maggie, I told him that I'm not ready to be friends,but didnt tell him never to call, I know thats my mistake, i just wasnt ready to do that,but I canot keep in touch with someone who obviously didnt think i was good enough for them, can't do it, Cant!

Also bear in mind that by initiating this strict NC you are sending a clear message to him, you will not settle for second best. Whatever happens that can only be positive. You will have the initial turmoil of losing him but that will disappear over time and in the long run you will be much happier, whatever happens.

Maintaining a "friendship" allows him to get over you and heal, at your expense, by breaking away from you slowly. NC allows you to do the healing, without him distracting you.

I know more than anyone, and my timescale is very similar to yours. I allowed my ex to run the "friends" line for nearly 6 months, she was clearly using me, though as with a lot of dumpers, there probably wasn't any malicious intent in it. We spoke about trying again, she said no. I told her we couldn't be in contact anymore.

That was nearly 6 months ago. It demonstrates that I did the right thing. If she was that keen on friendship like she said she certainly wouldn't have let me go that easily. That is not true friendship.

She also did not even contact me on my birthday. Again, a selfishness demonstrated by her behaviour that shows me NC was the best thing.

When you dump someone you care about you don't want them to hurt, you feel sorry for them and guilty you did it... I think that's why a lot of dumpers want to be friends, but unintentionally they make you worse because of false hope. They are selfish they want you there but want the single life or a life with someone else but I'm afraid that's just not possible!

I didn't hear anything from my ex at christmas and to be fair I'm glad I never... a text from her would have just confused and upset me, by the time my birthday comes around (March) I want to be in a position where I won't give her a second thought never mind expect contact.

Also bear in mind that by initiating this strict NC you are sending a clear message to him, you will not settle for second best. Whatever happens that can only be positive. You will have the initial turmoil of losing him but that will disappear over time and in the long run you will be much happier, whatever happens.

Maintaining a "friendship" allows him to get over you and heal, at your expense, by breaking away from you slowly. NC allows you to do the healing, without him distracting you.

I know more than anyone, and my timescale is very similar to yours. I allowed my ex to run the "friends" line for nearly 6 months, she was clearly using me, though as with a lot of dumpers, there probably wasn't any malicious intent in it. We spoke about trying again, she said no. I told her we couldn't be in contact anymore.

That was nearly 6 months ago. It demonstrates that I did the right thing. If she was that keen on friendship like she said she certainly wouldn't have let me go that easily. That is not true friendship.

She also did not even contact me on my birthday. Again, a selfishness demonstrated by her behaviour that shows me NC was the best thing.


I appreciate the clear insight and experience that you share. Those six months I kept in contact,all he was doing was playing hard to get,never reply to my emails,ignoring me online especially after we had a nice conversation the night before. Said he call but didn't, all I was doing was settling for crumbs. So now I am left picking up the pieces, and he gets the happy ending with a relationship? I'm sure he's not treating whomever he's with the same way, although one of my friends say he probably is. Why would he insist on being friends and start playing hard to get,does all dumpers do this? So it was all on his terms, yorue right its better to lose him because I am feeling much better,he even when he made an excuse to contact me yesterday

I appreciate the clear insight and experience that you share. Those six months I kept in contact,all he was doing was playing hard to get,never reply to my emails,ignoring me online especially after we had a nice conversation the night before. said he call but didnt, all i was doing was settling for crumbs. So now i am left picking up the pieces, and he gets teh happy ending with a relationship? I'm sure he's not treating whomever he's with the same way, altho one of my friends say he probably is. Why would he insist on being friends and start playing hard to get,does all dumpers do this? so it was all on his terms, yorue right its better to lose him because i am feeling much better,he even when he made an excuse to contact me yesterday

You should be firmer with the no contact. Tell him it is not a good idea for you to be in touch anymore. Tell him the reason, you are basically like a surrogate to him, he keeps you around to be like a girlfriend when it suits him e.g. for morale support etc. That is not fair on you.

You should be firmer with the no contact. Tell him it is not a good idea for you to be in touch anymore. Tell him the reason, you are basically like a surrogate to him, he keeps you around to be like a girlfriend when it suits him e.g. for morale support etc. That is not fair on you.


You must be going through somewhat similar situation or how else would you just pinpoint it this way? Now he's finding silly reason to contact me and looks like he wants to restart the game, where I'm the one that alsways loses. If you don't mind me asking ,did your ex string you along also?my thing is he seemed more sincere in his interactions with me before he left and got involved with someone now I feel like its an attention game,my question even if its silly and doesn't matter,is he only treating gme in this manner while he probably treats his girlfriend like a princess? I was nothing but a good friend to him at the beginning when he was going through crisis, its like OK I'm done, now I'm better than you.
Someone told me no once they,dumpers are dishonest they are like that with everyone. Just want your opinion on this? Thanks

You must be going through somewhat similar situation or how else would you just pinpoint it this way? Now he's finding silly reason to contact me and looks like he wants to restart the game, where i'm the one that alsways loses. If you dont mind me asking ,did your ex string you along also?my thing is he seemed more sincere in his interactions with me before he left and got involved with someone now i feel like its an attention game,my question even if its silly and doesnt matter,is he only treatin gme in this manner while he probably treats his gf like a princess? i was nothing but a good friend to him at the beginning when he was going thru crisis, its like ok i'm done, now i'm better than you.
someone told me no once they,dumpers are dishonest they are like that with everyone. Just want your opinion on this? Thanx

It may be dishonesty, and he sounds like he is unfairly flaunting his new girlfriend at you. Although I think in a lot of situations, dumpers do not realise they are hurting the dumpee with the wishes of friendship. They do it to ease their guilt, often without realising they are doing it and also without realising how much hurt and false hope they are causing the dumpee.

My experience was very similar to yours. Though my ex did not flaunt any new boyfriend at me. We broke up Feb 97, she ran the "i'd like to stay friends" line. I was not sure but felt guilty about saying no, as she had a few problems that only I really knew about. I initially gave her a bit of space, 6 ish weeks, and we then met again. The spark seemed still there.

She then told me she had met someone else and was sorry for hurting me. I said being in touch wouldn't work, she agreed. She then got back in touch no more than 5 weeks later (obviously when her new thing didn't work).

We met "as friends" but lapsed into doing coupley things, though no relationship i.e. a surrogate! After a couple of months of this all the signs pointed to us trying again, she said no, but, bizarrely, agreed we were very good together. At one point she wanted to get our holiday snaps out!

I decided then (last August) that NC was the only choice. I have stuck to it. She has not contacted me either.

So yes, in many respects, very similar.

You must be going through somewhat similar situation or how else would you just pinpoint it this way? Now he's finding silly reason to contact me and looks like he wants to restart the game, where i'm the one that alsways loses. If you dont mind me asking ,did your ex string you along also?my thing is he seemed more sincere in his interactions with me before he left and got involved with someone now i feel like its an attention game,my question even if its silly and doesnt matter,is he only treatin gme in this manner while he probably treats his gf like a princess? i was nothing but a good friend to him at the beginning when he was going thru crisis, its like ok i'm done, now i'm better than you.
someone told me no once they,dumpers are dishonest they are like that with everyone. Just want your opinion on this? Thanx

Sorry, that should have said Feb 2007, not 1997. It has not been that long!!

My ex has just added me on Facebook, despite her admitting herself I can't be friends it's a bit of a dilemma

My ex has just added me on facebook, despite her admitting herself i can't be friends its a bit of a dilemma

It is a fishing exercise, guaranteed. Do not respond immediately. Remember how far you have come.

Fishing for what? I haven't responded so far I at least think id sleep on it tonight at the very least

fishing for what? i havent responded so far i at least think id sleep on it tonight at the very least

To reassure herself that you are still there and available if she wants you to be. It is less risky than asking direct and having the potential rejection!

So what do you suggest?

so what do you suggest?

Do exactly as you said, sleep on it.

Oh I'm not making a snap decision, just parculiar after she admitted we can't be friends... is she just wanting to know what I'm up to

Yeah. Def fishing. My ex e-mailed my best friend (MY BEST FRIEND!! ) to ask how I'm doing.

... my best friend's response: ::clicks the DELETE button::

Fishing, yes... but I guess she thought her and my best friend would still remain friends. Oops.

I also think my ex is "using" her friends to see how I'm doing. Our mutual friend recently asked me to go to lunch with her... we went to lunch. I threw some scraps at her... such as I'm doing fine... I'm doing this... I'm doing that...

After that lunch, I haven't heard from her in 2 weeks. Oh well.

Maggie: there's nothing wrong with accepting that "requests to be your friend"... but then what? In her mind... what do you think is going on? Granted, fbook and myspace mean so little... but it still is a step.

I just don't really know what to do for the best don't want to be hurt but don't want to close the door completely I do still love her

Well that's the thing. You've been doing NC... so I think she's wondering what's happened to you. Her friending you is a way of seeing if you're still "interested" in being part of her life. Not as a boyfriend, but just a part. Hope that makes sense.

Do you want her back? How long has it been since NC? Are you ready to talk to her again?

To reassure herself that you are still there and available if she wants you to be. It is less risky than asking direct and having the potential rejection!


Oops did the wrong quote,I've have heard from him today,yes he was fishing. However, I was honest did tell him I wasn't interested iin being friends because I didn't think of him that way,first time in ages I said that. Yes I'm a wuss who didn't say 'dont contact me unless you want me back, I was honest and saying that friendship didn't work for me and I couldn't keep lying to myself, I told him,actually, reiterated on an email he claimed to not understand, but replied to it a week after?. it stated keeping contact wasn't good idea and I didn't just want friendship,same thing,but no I wasn't firm with the don't contact thing. My feeling s are similar to maggie83, not wanting to shut the door completely ,but not wanting to be friends either. But I'm now going through this crisis situation in which he seemed willing offer advice or a listening ear,now he's being nice :eek: if I accept his offer, it will mean I will go back on my word of not wanting being just friends and keeping this interaction going . That s why I'm confused, I just didn't think it was the right time to say,'dont call me unles you want me back, but did let him know about this 'friendship wasn't for me,if his response tomorrow says something as look I don't feel the same but can still be friends so what's the crisis. That's when I tell him its okay I'l deeal with it myself thanks,also dotn contact me. Also Questions, he didn't flaunt his new gdf in my face,maybe just once, I was asking does he treat me one way and maybe her as a princess.

i just dont really know what to do for the best dont wanna be hurt but dont want to close the door completely i do still love her


That's why in your case,Facebook is good sign,but best to make some nice hot chamomile lemon tea and sleep on it,not acceot her as friends just yet,maybe a day or two. I need to make that same tea also.

In my case,I was wondring, i had to tell the ex,who broke up w/ me last summer,and who calls and wants to stay friends that I couldnt do it, i finally did that after six months of pretending to be friends while he dated someone else,while I wait for whatever scraps he threw my way basically. I was following the NC rule for almost two months, but broke it several times, responding to his 'where are you,what happened to you' inquiring calls by emailing letting him know i'm doing fine and wishing him Joyful Holiday season(,which i really didnt mean, lthe lesser of two evils) . I was trying to avoid his calls,yes i'm chicken i shouldve told him not to call but do you actually announce NC? The thing he said something real hurtful the last time we interacted that made me realize to stay away from him. Now that i left him alone that made him more curious, which was not my intention,i just wasnt there waiting for his scraps anymore and having false hope.. he'd send mix msgs flirting with me acting like he wants me but then he's avoid me,giving me the cold shoulder. This went on for 6 months. i was doing great on partial NC it seems but now that i finally gave him spoke to him not to long ago, the pain restarted again and i finally told him i couldnt be friends,i'm not ready its not working for me. Did anyone had to do this? is it the right thing? I still want him back,help.
I have not had to do that; but you have to do what works for you; if you cannot be friends with your ex at this time that is fine; maybe friendship will come with time; if not that's okay too. Your feelings are your feelings

vivia -

Clean out your pm list honey... unless you don't want to receive any more pms

Saw the ex on the train today and chatted, got to work (we work next to eachother) and there was a text ''nice to see you today, sorry things didn't work out between us I hope we can eventually be friends''

I replied Sorry but no, that's not going to happen, please don't contact me again unless you change your mind about us

This is the third time I've told her no to friendship, I'm also going to reject her Facebook request

saw the ex on the train today and chatted, got to work (we work next to eachother) and there was a text ''nice to see you today, sorry things didnt work out between us i hope we can eventually be friends''

i replied Sorry but no, thats not gonna happen, please dont contact me again unless you change your mind about us

This is the third time ive told her no to friendship, im also gonna reject her facebook request

Well done!! That is the perfect response. You must now stick to NC. If she comes back and says she wants to try again, you can decide what to do, if not, well you are moving on anyway!

Yeah I've been trying to do that, I've been trying no contact for about 6 weeks and she broke it with a chain text on new year, then I saw her on the train, I broke it by texting her my new number and she added me on Facebook!

She really is trying to push the friends thing and I'm sick of it... this will be there third time I've told her no, she even admitted herself you can't do the friends thing! What is all that about!

To be honest, I don't think she will be back... shes moved on, it about time I stopped wasting my time on her

Yeah ive been trying to do that, ive been trying no contact for about 6 weeks and she broke it with a chain text on new year, then i saw her on the train, i broke it by texting her my new number and she added me on facebook!!

She really is trying to push the friends thing and im sick of it...this will be ther third time ive told her no, she even admitted herself you can't do the friends thing!! What is all that about!

to be honest, i dont think she will be back...shes moved on, it about time i stopped wasting my time on her

Take time for yourself. See friends you haven't seen so much recently, get a new hobbie, do stuff you have been putting off, book a holiday etc You will then be focused on you and not her so much.

Yeah I have been totally focused on her, I've been doing things in the hope I'll get a reaction... I won't.

Well me and my friends are going to book a holiday in the next few weeks and I'm going to go to the music festivals this year.. I went last year but she came and I spent half my time babysitting her and her friend! So I have a few things to look forward to, I love photography and I'm going to get more into that, I just need a new camera first!

That's great you're doing things for yourself, I need to also,its just difficult

I was just wondring, I may have done something dumb today
I e-mailed an msn news story simultaneoulsy to 3 people including,the X whom I have not been in contact for many months now.
Thing is he told me before he doesn't check that e-mail account regularly, but I'm sure when he logs in he'll see my name,along with that story and w/other friends e-addresses.
did I actually break NC and in need of walk around with the Scarlet letter
for breaking NC?
I was actually going to send that multiple e-mail after the presidential election and this is the first time I've done this, I won't do this anymore.
I bow my head in shame,now one of my friends in the e-mail is reading gme the riot act for doing that,and rightly so.


What do I do, Anyone's opinion? Advice,including bringingthe scarlet paint so I can hold up like hester Prynne?
feel awful

Yes, you technically did.

You better pray and pray HARD for forgiveness! ;)

What do you do? Well, there is nothing you can do unless you try to hack his email account and delete the email before he sees it.

Opinion? Its probably not a very big deal. Hopefully, he sees it as an accidental mass-email and disregards... BUT, if he is wanting contact, he may use it to open the lines of communication.

Advice? Delete him from your address book to keep it from happening again.

Yes I now bow my head down with shame
I since deleted him but I memorize his address,
I'll just keep mum for good
Breaking NC is scary and does putyou in a vulnerable position
'i was hoping I got a failure delivery
I'll take the red paint,
Have to joke abou tthis somehow.

After many months, you will probably be okay.

I don't know exactly what the general "rules" are with NC... but for me, I like to continue friendships with all of my ex's. I am actually either friends or at least on a civil speaking level with every girl that I have ever gone out with... at least the ones that I still see/run into.

So, if you are not opposed to that, maybe this will be a good thing. It's been so long that maybe the two of you will be able to overcome the need for NC and connect on a friendship level?

I think that is a valuable thing to do in life... you shouldn't live your life afraid or awkward with people or ex's

Best point going forward, delete him from the mail list

Best point going forward, delete him from the mail list


Pray for Vivia father chuck!

Hey Dr.jizzle
Well certainly after my posts,believe me whe're not frinds,not after the way he treated me and it ended badly
But you're right though,maybe that's my way of letting bygones be bygones
Also I tried to hack his e-mail acct to erase it,
Not that I had his password anyway,but I did follow your advice
It won't happen again,look ow awful I felt even with that

Yes, better to let bygones be bygones rather than spending your life with grudges. People can act real sh*tty to each other.. especially when love is involved.

But to be the better person, regardless how difficult it is, it is always best to get past it, accept that, while they are not the best person for you, they are still a person. We all make mistakes.

The tricky part is to do so without giving in to them again. Stay strong. ;)

(Even though it's not the "right" thing to do, I would have tried to hack their email also lol)

Yes, better to let bygones be bygones rather than spending your life with grudges. People can act real sh*tty to each other.. especially when love is involved.

But to be the better person, regardless how difficult it is, it is always best to get past it, accept that, while they are not the best person for you, they are still a person. We all make mistakes.

The tricky part is to do so without giving in to them again. Stay strong. ;)

(Even though it's not the "right" thing to do, I would have tried to hack their email also lol)

I appreciate your responses/insight
What do you mean by not giving in to them again? Do you mean contacting?
Yes,he did act real crappy verbally insulting me via e-mail which I didn't bother to reply
To this day I regret not telling him off,even if everyone told me to ignore him
Ffelt I never had closure, I giess by sending that chain mail I wanted in a way to show him he didn't bother me,(although he did)
Not sure if he gotten it or not,but I'm notgoing to be dumb enough to do it again
I won't lie I wish he did contact me so I can finally let him have it after all this time!

I don't think it's a big deal. It happened, so what. Stop thinking about it. He will get the email and see it was casual. He will either not reply to it all, since a lot of people don't even take the time to look at mass emails/forward... or he might reply with something simple. If he does, I wouldn't read into it too much. But honestly, it sounds like you want him to reply deep down, or else you wouldn't have taken the time to post about it.

I appreciate your responses/insight
what do you mean by not giving in to them again? do you mean contacting?
yes,he did act real crappy verbally insulting me via e-mail which i didnt bother to reply
to this day i regret not telling him off,even if everyone told me to ignore him
ffelt i never had closure, i giess by sending that chain mail i wanted in a way to show him he didnt bother me,(although he did)
not sure if he gotten it or not,but i'm notgoing to be dumb enough to do it again
i wont lie i wish he did contact me so i can finally let him have it after all this time!

Not to lump you in with the majority of people... or can I even say "girls", but typically when there is a situation like this (abusive boyfriend, abrupt ending, caring girlfriend, etc.) they recommend NC.. that is because love can be a tricky thing. We may know that a certain someone isn't right for us but we still have these strong feelings deep down for them, regardless of how they treated us. So making contact can be tricky. I have to admit, I have re-hooked up with a few girls with the original intent of just becoming friends. But, in the wrong place and the wrong time, those old feelings can become overwhelming.

So what I mean about not giving in to them is exactly that. I don't know how old you are or if you were sexually active with him or even close but you will want to be aware of that. It can be easy to suddenly desire that again. We, as humans, typically have a strong desire to be loved, held, cared for... which is why you see so many people that stay in abusive relationships.

And closure is a big thing. It seems apparent that the lack of closure is eating at you a bit on the inside. Closure usually requires confrontation.. confrontation requires strength... strength requires mental awareness. You need to be aware of the situation with him, with yourself, with your future and your intentions so that you can be strong enough to confront him and gain closure on the situation.

This is coming from a male perspective and something that I strive for in my own life. Proceed with caution and do ready for things to not go right. Even though this is still how I approach these situations, I have had plenty of bad experiences from it. :D But I am not afraid to fall... and neither should you be ;)

Not to lump you in with the majority of people... or can I even say "girls", but typically when there is a situation like this (abusive boyfriend, abrupt ending, caring girlfriend, etc.) they recommend NC.. that is because love can be a tricky thing. We may know that a certain someone isn't right for us but we still have these strong feelings deep down for them, regardless of how they treated us. So making contact can be tricky. I have to admit, I have re-hooked up with a few girls with the original intent of just becoming friends. But, in the wrong place and the wrong time, those old feelings can become overwhelming.

So what I mean about not giving in to them is exactly that. I dont know how old you are or if you were sexually active with him or even close but you will want to be aware of that. It can be easy to suddenly desire that again. We, as humans, typically have a strong desire to be loved, held, cared for... which is why you see so many people that stay in abusive relationships.

And closure is a big thing. It seems apparent that the lack of closure is eating at you a bit on the inside. Closure usually requires confrontation.. confrontation requires strength... strength requires mental awareness. You need to be aware of the situation with him, with yourself, with your future and your intentions so that you can be strong enough to confront him and gain closure on the situation.

This is coming from a male perspective and something that I strive for in my own life. Proceed with caution and do ready for things to not go right. Even though this is still how I approach these situations, I have had plenty of bad experiences from it. :D But I am not afraid to fall... and neither should you be ;)


I apreciate your guy perspective,really:) but one question,you say closure requires strength,and awareness,well how do I get that if I'm not in contact w/him or he' not contacting me?
lol, I should send another chain email with Yahoo news of the day and by the way x you're a jerk, anyone who agrees say I.
but either than that, I' m not sure how to do, this unless I break NC.Also you said I should be strong when/if confronation happens,
I don't doubt he'll come back w/more insultshis was more of an emotional attachment,didn't get busy w/him,he lives far away
BRKstatiff, the reasoni'm worried about it because I think broke NC after all these months I didn't expect any replies

i apreciate your guy perspective,really:) but one question,you say closure requires strength,and awareness,well how do i get that if i'm not in contact w/him or he' not contacting me?

Are you asking how you get closure or how you get strength/awareness... if you're not in contact with him?

First, you shouldn't rely on him, or anyone else for that matter, to gain strength or awareness. That comes from within. You need to deal with the things, whether good or bad, inside yourself in order to find out where you stand. If you don't feel that you are strong enough yet to confront him, then don't. It is kind of like rehab. A lot of places tell you to just stay away from your addiction forever... that way you won't ever make the mistake of doing whatever it is again. But REAL rehab will teach you to overcome your addiction.. to gain the strength you need to be able to say no, not matter the time or place. Once you have this kind of strength, this kind of conviction, you can walk through life fearless... you won't be afraid of running into him at the store or somewhere worse.. because you now possess the power to overcome whatever hold he had on you originally.


lol, i should send another chain email with yahoo news of the day and btw x youre a jerk, anyone who agrees say I.

Haha... if you do, I better be on that chain! Lol



but either than that, i' m not sure how to do, this unless i break NC.Also you said i should be strong when/if confronation happens,
i dont doubt he'll come back w/more insultshis was more of an emotional attachment,didnt get busy w/him,he lives far away
BRKstatiff, the reasoni'm worried about it because i think broke NC after all these months I didnt expect any replies

NC is not an infinite rule. Eventually, everyone will have to give it up... eventually. We cannot go around for the rest of our lives worried about breaking NC with every ex we have ever had. I live in a small town where that isn't even possible!

NC is only needed for as long as it takes you to gain that conviction I mentioned above. Once you are in full control over yourself once again, who cares if you break NC?

:cool:

Quick question. What does NC mean?

Quick question. What does NC mean?

Hi ma Julia,
It means no contact, the rule I don't contact your ex,especially after they give the shaft, try your best keep away from them.

Dr. Jizzle, I like your name-

So you mean,once I feel better,contact him and let him have it? In a way wouldn't that mean that I'm still bothered by him
What really bugs me is the fact he didn't make an effort to contact me at all,
So trying to contact him I feel,maybe now.. is sort of chasing after him
Maybe that mail I sent,was my half hearted attempt to contact him
But its true, I was in addicted to him or let him have ahold on me,
That's why I panicked even after I did that chain mail,
Imagine if I sent one to him dirextly, I know I'll feel awful
Because in a sense,he ditched me treated me like a Creole plantation house slave
With his verbal abuse,here I'm back going for more
I really would like to have the last word one day, maybe one day it will happen
But then I'd have to ctually get in touch with him if that's what you are really suggest
You make it sound so easy,haha.
I appreciate what you said about acquiring the strength within,so true
Sure I'll count you in if I do send that chain mail letting him know he's a jerk,and if everyone agrees,just kidding, woulnt do that.

A Creole plantation house slave? Hahhaha Who ARE you?

No, I don't mean to suggest that you make any attempts to contact him. And if you do, do NOT try to "let him have it"... that would only show him that he still has something over you. But from the sounds of it, he may not even be worth retaining a friendship for, as I had previously suggested.

From here, it sounds like its best to let it go. He is deleted from your address book so no more mishaps. That part of you that still wants to let him have it will be best satisfied when he happens to run into you, only to see that you have moved on and are a better person for it... and you no longer want/need/desire ANYTHING from him.

Be careful though, because this is where he will try to reconnect with you. But you are too powerful to let that happen so you would simply brush him off and go about your business... as he sits there and watches you walk away lol

Oh Vivia.

I too considered sending a chain mail to an ex, I figured she would think I just sent it to everyone without thinking. The real reason was to get her attention and find out that if she did want to speak to me now is her chance.

Your just as guilty as I was. Also, your write up suggests you are still harboring some deep resentment and need this guy to miss you.

I know it sounds harsh but reality is important, HE did not attempt this with you, he attempted nothing. Means he may well have moved on to life post-you. If he does miss you he certainly has not deceided to act upon it like you have.

Best case is he ignores or does not see it. I really do not think your ready for contact with him, this has been quite some time over this guy no?

Don't feel too bad, obviously I andothers did it too. However, your hunting this guy to have him admit he misses you or something and no proof exists that he does.

Hope it helps.

I agree with the above posters, delete his contact information from your email address book. That way you won't make this mistake in the future.

Pass this off as an "oops." Don't dwell on it. Don't try to explain it to him or "hack into his account"... it was a simple mistake.

Keep moving forward!

My oh mY!
BMI and Historian Chick!
Where on earth have you been?
See,what happens when I don't hear from both of you?
Thanks for the input and advice,and thanks for sharing that you (BMI) did the same things too.
Alo you're right Histchick, I should definitely not attempt to do this again

Dr. J,
I knew you'd like that, creole plantation slave,
I study antebellum history and live in New orleans, and I am Creole descent.
The plantation creole house slaves are the ones who always get slapped by their mistresses,and treated like dirt ,usually if/when their mistress get jealous. Due to the fct their ,the mistresses,husbands are always hitting on them.
I just made that analogy, because that's how I feel, as if someone slapped me and treated me as if I don't count like he did.
I'm hoping for the day that our paths will cross, but he lives in another country/planet it seems. Both people tell me, I il hear from him,even if its indirectly,
That's after I put that voodoo hex on him,j.kidding :)
But that's where my test begins, I have to stop hoping to ever hear from him and BMI is right, he made no effort at all
He can go on as if I don't exist fine. Maybe one day I will get the last word,and perhaps by then I won't care
Have you ever had this happen to you Dr,J? That's my name for you if you don't mind.

:) Aww... I've been here... just not as "present" as I would like. Its been a rough few months.

Be strong, Viva, dear. You can do this. Remember, its all a mental struggle. You can "wash that man right out of your hair" (you tube that song and watch it! Its from the musical South Pacific)...

Much, much luck to you! :)

Vivia,

I am going through this RIGHT now... and honestly, I should listen to my own advice.

I am probably the worst at sticking to any type of NC with an ex.

I put myself through a lot of unneeded agony sometimes :D I guess I am a bit of a gluten for punishment... oh well. That's just me.

But through it all, I do manage to maintain a good friendship with my ex's... or at least a close acquaintance.


Oh and should you ever cross paths with him again... be sure to make HIM YOUR plantation creole house slave ;)

Vivia,

I am going through this RIGHT now... and honestly, I should listen to my own advice.

I am probably the worst at sticking to any type of NC with an ex.

I put myself through a lot of unneeded agony sometimes :D I guess I am a bit of a gluten for punishment... oh well. Thats just me.

But thru it all, I do manage to maintain a good friendship with my ex's... or at least a close acquaintance.


Oh and should you ever cross paths with him again... be sure to make HIM YOUR plantation creole house slave ;)

I like that,ands sell his butt at the auction block-you should be practicing NC too if someone treats you like a Virginia field slave,you seem to nice'
You really think our paths would ever cross? he seemed to be Gone with the Wind""

Hello Everyone
I appreciate al the support I have received in my previous posts and I know I can always turn to the AMHD community for some honest blunt advice,as well as support.
Well last time I posted I met this guy online,frm another forum and we became fast friends,email and call,text each other and he said he was going to make plans to fly and meet me, He's up North,I'm Down south,land of dixie.
Then he disspeared on me,after I sent my pics,even when he said they were nice,
But have never returned my emails,or texts,just plain ignored me which really hurt.
I found out in the forum where he posted and dmitted to arranging a date w/someone else,that
Explained his not returning any of my messages.which to me is beyond rude.
What's worse is that I broke NC after 6 months to my original heartbreaker,
The guy who lives in another continent,whom I met online also
Against ny better judgment,but nothing has changed
He seemd happy to hear from me and siad he like for us to talk again
But hasn't called me or make any effort,dead end as usual.
Thing is after he broke my heart months ago, I kept making friends w/guys online
Who have similar circumstances to him,broke up w/their girlfriends
So managed to strike friendship w/them.
My problem is they stop writing or not even bother return any of my calls or emails,
Mind you I do no bombard pple with messages if they don't want to be bothered
What I don't get isthese are the same men who goes on these forums and moan about how thie exes treat them like dirt and here they go on and treat someone who just want to be friends likredirt.
The guy who lived in another continent was the worst of all ( I wrote many posts on him)
And has moved on which makes me angry how is it that he can easily find someone
Knowing what a jerk he is and was to me,(I know its my fault for dealing w/him)
And here I am I keep getting snubbed by these men
So I want to know is it me or something wrong w/me the whole online cyber friendship/or possibly relationship thing.
Now these places where I nteract with guys are not online dating sites,but guys that are on broken hearts forums,
Because they seem to understand w ell what I'm going through and became great support-
Plus they see my pics and all commented that I was very pretty,unlike disappearing guy
My aunt told me to actually try dating online sites, but I am so burned out by the way
Guys can act online and disappear on people,why should I try
Also I am trying my best to meet guys in person,I live in small university town,which I am near graduation,and is planning to go back to the big city where I'mfrom
But I hardly have money to make that kind of move
My aunt says I am looking for water in the desert,(due to my location) and I should conider moving.
I just want to know how am I turning these guys off? And why do they ignore my messages after they are the ones who seemd interested in talking to me,and to cry abou ttheir woes,and mean exes, I am beginning to wonder maybe their exes are justified
Fact is I made mistake reconnecting w/the first guy which is proven dead end.
Should I give the whole onlien thing the heave ho?
Don't want to pay for dating sites to have guys act the same way,it is really hurting me
What can I do?
Sorry for long post, hope its not confusing,I 'll clarify anything that needs clarifying, Thanks!

I think that is your problem right there.



But from what I read.. it gives me the impression that you are a very very lonely women.
Who's one thought in life.. is to have a relationship
And can not stand rejection
And over thinks things way too much


You go after people with broken hearts. And they don't have enough time to heal.

While they are healing they are talking with you..
Then.. they either lose interest.. which happens online.. and its easy to do.

Or they find someone else that sparks there interest.

You are so looking in the wrong place..
And you are going about this all wrong.

I think you should lose the safety of the computer world.

And really get out there.. and find local places to meet people. I mean even if there is nothing in your area.

Take the train or buss.. and go to another town.
There are so many things you can do.

Stop looking online for love.
And just stop looking for it. The people that want it the most.. never normaly get it.

Its when you don't look for it.. it creeps up on you.
And you know why.

Because you don't project that image of needy and want.
You are just you.. going about your own world. Doing your own thing and having fun

Not in broken heart chat rooms.. being a shoulder for people to cry on.

Get out in the real world
And stop thinking about online buddies and all that.. stuff.

Because in the end.. it does not mean anything.

What matters here.. is you.
You get your life together.
Planned out.
And get on that road.

Several issues,

A large percent of men online are not really looking to date, and many will not actually travel.

And some of those that do are just chatting with a dozen ladies and looking for a lot of sex with differnet women.

Then you have some that may be serious but are chatting to several and in the end decide on one or two to meet.

Several sites are pretty good, eharmony is very good for finding more local people, at least not more than a hour or two drive away.

The problem with long distance, you chat for a couple months, meet, and chat antoher couple months, well where is it going to go, who is going to move to the location of the other, are you willing to marry or move in with a person you only meet a couple times in person?

I have started dating myself this month and it is hard. Getting turned down by local people or worried about nut cases you may meet online.

I have nothing against online dating, it is just that people are moving too fast without any face to face meeting,;

But you need to have one strong rule, if they are still crying about their exs and their relationships don't even talk to them. Find someone who is happy with thierself, OK living alone if they have to, but just wanting to expand their lives with a new partner.
Until they are ready to actual start dating ( completely over their ex) you dn't need to have anything to do with them.

It depends. A lot of guys online are shallow and selective, and may just be big talking. Are you a good looking girl? Be honest.

Thanks True Faith,and Fr Chuck and yes to the last guy I get lots a whistle and mean stares frm women w/their boyfrends-not to sound shallow
Sure I got some guys liking me,but they're usually old enough to be my father.
You are right faith and Fr chuck,I'm going this not the right way
Men online are probably talking to more than I female online just like I talk 2 different guys but I don't act flaky like they once they meet someone that sparks interest
It seems they toss people aside and then months later come crying online how that person act flaky.
Its not that I handle rejection,well... who actually enjoys it,
But I feel as though I'm getting more of my fair share and its not helping-
Well many times I do get innterested in someone unavailable in real world,like a married man or professors,who are married.
I really considering reloacting once I have the cash,I don't want to be an old maid stuck in this small college town-especially if I'm not frm here

The right one always comes along when we aren't expecting it Vivia , just be patient. Besides THE ONE is always worth waiting for :)

You don't really think most of those online guys are telling the truth, and they sure as heck have a lot of lonely females on their string.

As was said, stop looking for love, and companionship online, when you can build a life that you enjoy with friends, and activities, you love, and just explore you.

When your happy with yourself, you'll meet someone to share it with.

Then you won't have to take chances with the online Romeo's looking for a quick, and easy target.

Don't look for love, when you can build a life, where ever you are.

I appreciate this Tali and Friend,
You guys are always right on the spot,if only I can actually let this sink in my head,
Its just fustrating that's all
See me w/out relationship and jerks who screwed me over are having a ball

Don't worry about finding love... worry about finding love within yourself. The over glorification of having to have that special someone causes people to rush into relationships that are meaningless and do more harm than good. Love will find you, and me, for that matter. You are way too good of a person to feel down.

KCtiger
Thank you that's very sweet,so the adage is true you don't go looking for love

Love will find all of us... sometimes we are just too blind with other things that we don't even realize it. Keep your chin up!

I appreciate that,
I really thought it was my fault, well maybe the signals I give out, its crazy how some folks act like you mean the world to them and then act as thou don't exist,
Like the first runner

Yes, it is funny how much people change in what seems like a short amount of time. I know what you mean. Rest easy in knowing you will mean the world to someone someday... and that will be real. Just wasn't meant to be this time, but it will happen. Don't sweat it! :)

Yes someday I'll meet someone nice
When the economy is booming and everyone's are buying 50,00 vehicles!
Sorry don't mean to be tad pestimistic
Must be the full Cajun moon shining on the bayou

People don't change , some people just give you a false impression when you first meet them to impress you.

We all find out in the long run what a person is REALLY like. Sounds like you were lucky Vivia to find someone isn't what you initially thought before you invested too much.

Like I said earlier just be patient and you'll find the right one when you aren't even looking.

It also depends on what your requirements are, I find I meet many ladies who want the man to have at least a 75,000 income to be considered, and some want over 100,000 income. So what you want in a partner often comes out.

And then others seem to be on dating sites not wanting to really DATE, I have talked to several ladies this week
Chat on one, and they want to chat, not meet for coffee, not go to dinner, online is a way to meet, but dating is still dating.

I appreciate this Friend
Bur unfortunately I did invest a lot in him
But it has been dwindling now that I seen passed his true colors
But what did I do,go on and break NC just to see if there would be any reconnecting
Waste of time,now my curiousity is filled but it doesn't help anything
Also,Fr Church,u seem to be having good time meeting people
You have a good head on your shoulder,true some folks online are not serious
But not all women want a guy making the big bucks
Its like saying all men want Halle berry looking woman,
Well sometimes I think they (men) do,and they are all about looks
I just want a non user,decent human being whose not fresh out of a relationship and looking to have someone to cry on their shoulder abouut their heartless exes than ignore that same person who was there, darn I'm negative
My requirement is that he canafford to by a decent tequila for my margaritas

Comments on this post
vivia12 agrees: do you really really think so?

Definitely... but just be yourself and try to not even think about getting in a relationship with anyone for the time being , we can sniff it if you seem too keen ;)

Comments on this post
vivia12 agrees: do you really really think so?

Definately...............but just be yourself and try to not even think about getting in a relationship with anyone for the time being , we can sniff it if you seem too keen ;)

Lol, friend! That's so funny saying we can sniff out when a lady seems desperate
Even online too?
That dog pic looks like he can whiff desperation
So you think it's a good idea to leave love be for the time being?
Feels just like I'm giving up
But on another hand, I can't keep going on being disapointed like this

You don't give up on love, you just stop looking, and change the focus to things you really enjoy, and meeting NEW people through the activities you do. Then someone has a chance to find you, no matter how busy you are.

I think the disappointment comes when we expect to find someone, especially online, but in real life also, and get so full of high expectations when we get a nibble, it's a long fall when things don't work out.

Online, or offline, the rules are the same. Take your time getting to know someone, and have fun doing it, or, to much, to fast, crash, and burn.

Technology may give us more opportunities, but we have to give give ourselves a chance.

I agree Tal. I've been putting my profile on several dating sites, but it's not like talking to people face to face. Plus, I also think that half of the women on there are just there to see what's out there, not necessarily looking to date online.

I think I may hide them for a while... I'm not ready yet. Although, it's not like they're all breaking down my door to date me either. LOL!

I agree Tal. I've been putting my profile on several dating sites, but it's not like talking to people face to face. Plus, I also think that half of the women on there are just there to see whats out there, not necessarily looking to date online.

I think I may hide them for a while...I'm not ready yet. Although, it's not like they're all breaking down my door to date me either. LOL!


I'm taking a break too,it's a good idea,why beat dead horses

Vivia, I wonder the same things. How do I turn off all of these women?? I email a few at a time, but I don't get any responses back. That's why I don't think they are on these sites to date, with the exception of you I guess.

Maybe I am coming off as needy. Maybe my picture sucks, or maybe they don't like a guy who is fun... IDK. What I do know is, I still think about my ex at least once a day. I also think... "Well I got her, why can't I get anyone of these women?" It's strange and I am a loss right now. The whole online dating thing is a mystery to me.

I am on the online dating scene as well. I truly think that it is usually the pics that turn people on or off. That is the first thing most look at. Skip reading the long profile. If they don't look good, I won't respond (that is the overall mentality, not mine). I am not a member of these websites to find my true love, I just do it to meet new people (as I am not the type of guy to go to a bar and pick up a girl who is trashed). I do feel awkward a bit to initiate contact with girls online, but in the end, I don't care. If they don't respond, then so what. I know I am a good looking guy who would be a great boyfriend. Just have that mentality. People just become really protective and judgemental online... they are hiding behind a computer.

I have never done online dating.
And never plan to.

But you are right the net is a very Judgemental place.

Yea... thats mostly why I do it, to meet new people. BUT... I'm not going to argue if things go further.:cool:

I seriously need to get a new picture. The one I have up is like 4 years old! LOL! I look a little different now.

Vivia, I wonder the same things. How do I turn off all of these women??? I email a few at a time, but I don't get any responses back. Thats why I don't think they are on these sites to date, with the exception of you I guess.

Maybe I am coming off as needy. Maybe my picture sucks, or maybe they don't like a guy who is fun...IDK. What I do know is, I still think about my ex at least once a day. I also think..."Well I got her, why can't I get anyone of these women?" It's strange and I am a loss right now. The whole online dating thing is a mystery to me.



Lol, jmw
Sorry ,I don't mean to laugh at you nor your plight,for I am in that same,what's wrong w/me ,why am I not getting any response. Your comment just cheered me up that's all.
I thought I was the only one who felt that way,not with my pics, I actually have some more I'd like to scan,its just these guys I meet B and moan about their exes
Then they turn around and diss me too,
I don't try to get it with them,but then they act as though they are interested in me.
I tried match.com but am too lazy to even pursue it
I live in Louisiana and sorry,the men who seem interested in me look like Country ajun joe's off the bayou.

I am on match.com. It is better than E-Harmony, which is an absolute rip off in my opinion. My ex has pretty much snatched all the good pics I had, so the pics I have posted are rather uneventful. Also, I don't know why other guys (or gals) would complain about their ex to someone they just met. I know that I try not to even mention my ex to other women, especially those whom I just met. There is a time and a place for that...

Tiger
You need to get those pics back from your ex, I set one of the loser guys real nice actual fresh off the Walgreens photoshop pics of me,'he dissepeared and so are my nice pics
Never again,
Just have to make more

Yea KC. My ex has all the good pictures too. I was just thinking if I should ask for some... but then realized I just need to make my own!!

I think that Match.com is lame. There isn't anyone ever one there, at least in my area. I think I am going to sign up for Yahoo Personals and see where that goes. They have the same "guarantee" as Match, but more traffic.

There are a couple of free sites out there as well. Plentyoffish.com is OK... I got a profile on there.

You know there is always AdultFriendFinder.com if you get desperate!! LOL!! :D

I'm gald I cheered you up Vivia. I've been to New Orleans (New Awlins), and had one hell of a good time down there. The food, the people, and the music is fantastic!! Never had a crawfish or a poboy before I went down there.

Jm
I was going to not recommend plentyoffish,people there are ruffians!
But then all I do is post my forums there never tried to look for anything on that site.
Funny,I used to live in Baltimore..
Well, I have a last shot and itys through my school's paper,
They have 'Personals' section from students
Maybe I can try there, I think its my best bet
Although it goes against all the advice stop looking
U guys just motivating by not letting this online dating thing get to you,like KC tiger
Thanks a bundle!

Hello Everyone!

It has been a while since I posted anything on AMHD,and I feel bad that since my last posts that I don't think I've progressed,even though I'm, aware of it and has seek counseling,so bear with me it's a long post.
I'm still in the same boat,in love,or in addiction to this man, an LDR relationship ago and he since met someone else in person,now he's admitted theyhave been living together,however he still wants to remain friends and talk and vent like he used to,but in a way its killing me
Because I don't see him as a friend and at times all I do is check my e-mail or phone or obsess about what he's doing and what he's not.
At first I didn't understand why he would call me late at night,I thought that he wasn't with her,even on the weekends, so every time when I -ume,I make an A out of myself in a way. I've always felt a deep connection to him and I know people would say,he's from the online,its not real,but I've always since there was something different about him,I could talk to him about anything but reality is,if he really wanted to be with me,before he met his girl,he would have been, since we spoke about this my times but nothing really happened,he lives in Germany.
My goal is to trying to stop interacting with him as much especially if I'm bothered by it and ofbecause of my situation.
Once I went full NC but to no avail broke it,I wish I could find someone else,locally that I'm attracted to but it hasn't happened in ages. I'd go out,try to meet people,go to different events,but I live in a small-ish town like area where there's not much culture and eligible decent men. So it does get pretty lonely, as a result, most of the time I would compare myself to him,that he's having a great time,-with his girl,even though at times he was very emotionally abusive towards me in the past. So now I feel that this new girl gets to benefit and gets to have him.
So Now he's happy to chat,IM or call constantly about current events,impersonal stuff, or we'd talk about careers,once he slipped in along time and we started flirting. I didn't take it seriously knowing how he switches on and off,this was before he told me he was shacking up.
Bottom line,I don't want to totally never speak to him again since he does reach out to me;However,I don't want to just be the ear piece or person he vents to about life or chitchat about impersonal stuff (breadcrumbs if you ask me) when deep inside I want more,and I realize that I'll never get it from him. I feel like a woman lost in a desert trying to get water,all I get is drops or a mirage.
Any advice, help or support is appreciated and I reiterate that I do go out and try to meet people just in case if this is the only response I get. I know it has to be sheer loneliness. Thanks everyone!

Do the No Contact, no more excuses, and stop looking for romance, and just make real friends, who do fun things, and the place to start is right where you are as even small town folks have fun.

Come on V, you have to change that attitude because, as long as your in contact with him in any way, you will be disappointed, and miserable, and blind to the positive things around you right under your nose. Even worse, you'll never be able to enjoy yourself.

Please see a doctor for a check up, just to make sure your not having depression over this situation.

For sure if you don't shake it up, and drop the excuses, you'll never be happy.

Sorry to be harsh, but I think you need a jolt to get busy, and stop having time to listen to his stuff, any more. Thats the problem, allowing any contact with him. Stop it!!! You have to much work to do for yourself.

Make some good female friends, they will get your back!

I am always single and greatly appreciate the friends I have made in real life ( guys or girls). The good friends will make you not wanting to meet a man, you will be so busy hanging out with them! Start with meeting girls, it's easy to exchange emotions with them!

LOL, to add, actually your female friends will have enough drama to tell you about THEIR men, that might become one contributing factor you don't even want a man in your life.

Good luck Vivia.

Had to spread the rep but I agree with you Tal 100%

Vivia , I've posted answers to questions of yours before and like Tal says your not doing NC because you keep in touch with him so that stops you moving on and letting go.

STOP contacting him or you'll be stuck forever. Someone will come along when you aren't even looking for it.

Thanks Tal, Friend and CF! I am getting help for this,my therapists is trying to get me focused more on my career and where I'd really want to live,which is not in this junk town. As for contact I can't say that I can shake it,I feel lits like a sickness, I go back get dissapointed,go back,I've been thinking of joining some kind of AA or Coda group because I admit this is unhealthy. Every time I talk to him I feel like an empty well,he gets to be casual imepersonal,I get to still want him.

That's the thing , you know every time you speak to him it's going to hurt.

How many times would you hit your thumb with a hammer until you stopped.

I don't want to totally never speak to him again since he does reach out to me;However,I don't want to just be the ear piece or person he vents to about life or chitchat about impersonal stuff (breadcrumbs if you ask me) when deep inside I want more,and I realize that I'll never get it from him. I feel like a woman lost in a desert trying to get water,all I get is drops or a mirage.

I don't think that you can do both. You just can't. You're just letting this unhealthy connection drain you.

Clearly this obsession is affecting your emotional and mental health and you need to stop. You know this. It's bad for you and it's stopping you getting on with your life.

You don't need a relationship to forget him, you need to connect with yourself again. Somehow the relationship with your ex has left you unhealthily connected to him and disconnected from yourself. You need to metaphorically clear your mind of this man and disconnect from the ties that bind you to him.

Stop contacting him. Change your number, email, Facebook (whatever), so he can't contact you.

Stop thinking of yourself as a potential couple and think of yourself as an individual. A relationship won't solve your core problem, which is a sense of disconnection from yourself. In order to connect with your 'self' you need to find that person again.

Try to find some joy in your life, loneliness is a state of mind not a state of being.

Take pleasure in a nice day, the birds singing, the smell of flowers. Spend time with people that you care about that know you and will nurture you. Eat a lovely meal and focus on tasting the food. Clean your house, open the windows and let the fresh air in. Buy some new bedding and revel in the feeling of the fresh sheets. Buy yourself a nice dress and make yourself beautiful. Join a book group, go to the movies - take an interest in people and in life.

Eventually your own interests and life will take over and he will fade in importance. But, you must stop contacting him. Just do it. Bite the bullet. For yourself.

Wow Gemini, your answer is unbelievable, and of course I appreciate the other responses. I know that this situation is off kilter that it is draininng me and yes some of it is due to loneliness. I always thought a cure would be to meet someone or better move to the big city. Another poster urged me to make female friends,to me that's just as elusive as getting a boyfriend.
You call them they don't call you back,your invisible as soon as they meet someone. Really! I have this friend,well I thought she was,I literally have to beg her to hang out just for a few minutes,but to no avail. Other so call friends do the same,but they'll quickly be available to whatever guy there's with.
I hate the fact that I'm stuck and he has way moved on and has me as the fallback girl on the side , a role I cemented by not letting go.
Yes Friend4u that hammer is hurting my thumb hard though its familiar but uncomfortable.
Hmm,nice bedding sounds tempting.

wow Gemini, your answer is unbelievable, and of course i appreciate the other response,i knew and sensed somehting is off kilter that it is drainingn me and yes it is due to loneliness. I always thought a cure would be to meet someone or better move to the big city. Another poster urged me to make female friends,to me thats just as elusive as getting a boyfriend. You call them they dont call you back,youre invisible as soonas they meet someone. really! i have this friend,well i thought she was,i feel like i have to beg her to hang out just for a few minutes,but to no avail.
I really appreciate this,i hate the fact that i'm stuck and he has way moved on bu has me as the fallback girl on the side thati put myself there.
Yes Friend4u that nail is hurting hard though its familiar.
One thing,whats a Boo group?

Sorry, I edited the spelling mistake a bit later - hah! A book group...

Thanks gemini, I quickly edited mine after I saw yours, I wouldn't mind a Boo group,there's lots of ghost humters in LA. I'll try your advice, I read somewhere that people with addictions is trying to fill a void in their lives. I understand that void perfectly,I have to realize that he is not the answe,

Thanks gemini, i quickly edited mine after i saw yours, i wouldnt mind a Boo group,theres lots of ghost humters in LA. I'll try your advice, i read somewhere that people with addictions is trying to fill a void in their lives. I understand that void perfectly,i have to realize that he is not the answe,

There is a really old book called "Cutting the Ties that Bind", it has a great mental exercise in it with a figure 8 which assists you to cut the energetic ties that bind you to a person.. .

This is a link to a website that talks about it..

Sealed With Love - Cutting The Ties That Bind (http://www.sealedwithlove.com/index.php/love/article/cat/practice/cutting_the_ties_that_bind/)

PS I love the idea of a boo group! The mind boggles.

Please take me to the BOO club as well! I am sure that would make me forget about work after work! :D

Excellent posts Gemini!!

Thanks Gem,I'll definitely read that article,always looking for good things to read instead of "men Who Can't Love"!
Okay CF you are one of the first Members of the Boo club! That really sounds fun plus I really appreciate talking to both of you,online support is just as important. Say,maybe we can talk about ghost and paranormal sighting or stories of them,Louisiana's old plantations and New Orleans are ghostly central. Gemini Are there plenty of ghostly activities in Australia?
This is really really cheering me up immensely! :)

Viva, Girl, you just have to stop.

Get off that emotional roller coaster. Only YOU can stop it.

Be like Smokey the Bear, "Only YOU can prevent emotional roller coasters." Get off the track.

I've had to do the same thing at one time... you just stop. Make the decision and act on it. Don't let yourself cheat your own heart.

Thanks Gem,i'll definately read that article,always looking for good things to read instead of "men Who Can't Love"!
okay CF you are one of the first Members of the Boo club! that really sounds fun plus i really appreciate talking to both of you,online support is just as important. Say,maybe we can talk about ghost and paranormal sighting or stories of them,Louisiana's old plantations and New Orleans are ghostly central. Gemini Are there plenty of ghostly activities in Australia?
This is really really cheering me up immensely!!:)

Well Australia is one of the oldest continents in the world, so there is lots of 'booing' going on here! The Aboriginal Dreamtime has many stories of unearthly beings - mind you New Orleans and its voodoo traditions sound pretty spooky!

Thanks Gem,i'll definately read that article,always looking for good things to read instead of "men Who Can't Love"!
okay CF you are one of the first Members of the Boo club! that really sounds fun plus i really appreciate talking to both of you,online support is just as important. Say,maybe we can talk about ghost and paranormal sighting or stories of them,Louisiana's old plantations and New Orleans are ghostly central. Gemini Are there plenty of ghostly activities in Australia?
This is really really cheering me up immensely!!:)
Hey,see,there's a total difference in your tone when you write about your ex and when you just loosen up and write about other stuff.

I think that's your cue--spread your wings and fly,check out newer horizons and widen your vistas.If reading about "ghostly activities" is cheering you up,then so be it.Maybe you can try your hand in exploring that area,read and write on it,maybe even form a funny little group where you can exchange funny stories and all that.

Once you start opening up and exploring the world,there's no end to what you will find around the next corner.

You want to waste all that moping for a guy who's maybe lapping it all up while you sit in the dark confines of your room?

Vivia,just go VIVE(live,in espanol),laugh your guts out,sing,dance,go crazy.You have only one life and you want to make it a HAPPY,COLOURFUL one.

Hey,see,theres a total difference in your tone when you write about your ex and when you just loosen up and write about other stuff.

I think thats your cue--spread your wings and fly,check out newer horizons and widen your vistas.If reading about "ghostly activities" is cheering you up,then so be it.Maybe you can try your hand in exploring that area,read and write on it,maybe even form a funny little group where you can exchange funny stories and all that.

Once you start opening up and exploring the world,theres no end to what you will find around the next corner.

You want to waste all that moping for a guy who's maybe lapping it all up while you sit in the dark confines of your room?

Vivia,just go VIVE(live,in espanol),laugh your guts out,sing,dance,go crazy.You have only one life and you want to make it a HAPPY,COLOURFUL one.



I like that Vive! I do try to venture out and do other things but as usual old habits die hard and I do check if he called or IM me and nope, nothing since Monday,I guess he is lapping it up. Countless of times I ask myself why should I care so much about a guy who chose to be with someone else? even if its convenient or not,still it's the same,I wasn't the one.
I'm planning on going to see my dad in Chicago soon so believe e I am so looking forward to getting away. Interesting Gemini said there Australia's an old continent imagine the ghosts lurking about,I do like to explore other things,at least to keep me occupied but have been just feeling stuck,but not to any dark confines in my room-apartment at least I'm good about that

Threads merged

Hi everyone!

I haven't been here for a spell,I have a question that has been haunting me,so I thought I'd ask here.Do people chose who they will treat decently and who they will treat like trash,

For example,would a dumper who treated his exes like trash,and who is basically a player who strings women online or offine along,discard them like trash and can at times can be verbally abusive Does he/or she acts poorly that way whomever their with better?
Or is it a part if their character flaws,how does that work?

Most of my friends believe that this kind of person will be the same to his current flame,that's who they are regardless,but I however disagree,I believe a dumper would never treat his current girlfriend like trash,not if he seems committed in a form of shacking up with her but that's another story.
I just need some honest opinions or perhaps some experiences in that matter. I'm sure I'll get a couple of "Who cares' or 'it doesn't matter' but it doesn't hurt to ask,especially if one wants to better her or himself in order to not attract another ambivalent non caring person (basically a Jerk) again. Thanks!

Wow, has something happened to make you ask this question?

A series of things happened since my last posts,but I'm on NC,well I have no choice since he bolted on me for good anyway. But this question has been plaguing me so I'd thought I'd ask

People do choose how they treat others- how we're treated by them usually has some say in how we treat them back. Most people don't follow the golden rule of "treat others how you want to be treated." The reason why is because humans are very selfish.

Whoever this person is you're talking about he is probably bipolar- bipolar means he will have anger spells, bad behavior, and become enraged out of the blue- but he also has the ability to be very nice, and show a great personality, which is why his significant others will stick around.

If he was dumping girls left and right and you stumbled upon him, I would question how much I want to risk for a relationship with this guy, and I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. Be very cautious with your relationship with this guy (even if you've already broke up and are trying to get over it- the guy is still there, and if he was verbally abusive and treated you wrongly, you'll want to watch out in case he makes any attempts to get back together, wants to get back at you for leaving him, becomes jealous of any other guys you might be seeing, or becomes stalkerish.) If you're still with him, you should probably look into his past relationships, and test how much you trust, love, and respect each other. a.k.a. don't rush, and don't dive in head-first.

To answer your last question, in order to avoid attracting a stalkerish guy is to begin to send out better signals to guys. Guys are already attracted to you if you're a single girl- you just have to make the attraction positive. Don't run around showing your cleavage and your legs or you will attract guys who want your cleavage, and your legs. If you're a modest, respectfull, confident woman, who respects herself, you will attract loving men who want to respect you. Guys choose who they want to be in a relationship with- but what guys think of you, is up to you.

Another good idea is to not go dating for anyone until you are ready to get married. Either you will get married to a man, or you will break up with him (there's no other option.) If you want a relationship to last, both of you should go into it with the intention of marriage.

Hi Vivia

As they say a Leopard doesn't change it's spots , I believe once a player/abuser they will remain the same in the long run.

They may pretend to be someone else in the Honeymoon period of a new relationship , but they can only pretend for so long.

That's just my opinion.

I think the best indication of a person's current and future behavior is their past behavior. If they have treated their Ex GF's like trash sooner or later they will begin to treat their current GF like trash. This is their pattern and their personalty type.

Abusers are essentially selfish - they are moody, self centered and defensive. They are also intolerant, aggressive and demanding. In the first romantic flush of a relationship these characteristics will not be obvious as they put you on a pedestal. Once you show that you are in fact human, and we all are, the pedestal comes crashing down. It's just a matter of time.

This sort of behavior is ingrained and difficult to shift. If you can see that a man has been abusive to his ex partners I would be extremely wary, not matter how nice he may seem to be. This is not good relationship material!

Jerks can sometimes be tolerated, abusers never should.

Awesome answers thank you,I appreciate this very much,I really do!
Jaime, is it possible,that is just too good to be true to date someone/anyone whose marriage minded, I guess that's what they mean from raising the bar
Friend<you made very good points but sometimes it does feel like they single you out and that your e the recipient of their BS,that makes you think,hmm... I' sure they're not that way to their current flame,or that person would be out the door,just my opinion.

I think the best indication of a person's current and future behavior is their past behavior. If they have treated their Ex GF's like trash sooner or later they will begin to treat their current GF like trash. This is their pattern and their personalty type.

Abusers are essentially selfish - they are moody, self centered and defensive. They are also intolerant, aggressive and demanding. In the first romantic flush of a relationship these characteristics will not be obvious as they put you on a pedestal. Once you show that you are in fact human, and we all are, the pedestal comes crashing down. It's just a matter of time.

This sort of behavior is ingrained and difficult to shift. If you can see that a man has been abusive to his ex partners I would be extremely wary, not matter how nice he may seem to be. This is not good relationship material!

Jerks can sometimes be tolerated, abusers never should.

I definitely true,once they know that you're flesh and blood and have feelings and hurt,and wound,they not only crash you down but kick so hard you to the curb. Amazing,but are they like this with everyone else, Surely they are they would end up totally alone,would they?

Like we said Vivia it's their behavourial characteristics and something that is very hard to change , yes they can pretend to be something else for a while but their personality will show in the end.

Therefore they don't necessarily end up all alone , because they either go from partner to partner OR they find someone who's willing to put up with that behaviour.

I definitely true,once they know that you're flesh and blood and have feelings and hurt,and wound,they not only crash you down but kick so hard you to the curb. Amazing,but are they like this with everyone else,? surely they are they would end up totally alone,would they?

Abusers often have multiple relationships, or one person that tolerates the abuse.

They can be very discriminating about who they abuse, so for example, they may not be like this at work.

Essentially they they do it with the people they can have the most power over.

Friend,Gemini,this is very very informative,makes you think about things.. really,you're answering what's been plaguing me.. so te only way t stop this discrinmating from the ex practice I believe is total NC..

Friend,Gemini,this is very very informative,makes you think about things..really,youre answering whats been plaguing me.. so te only way t stop this discrinmating from the ex practice i believe is total NC..

With an abusive ex, it's the ONLY answer.

"You're dead to me", is the only way to go...

Hey that's what we're here for , glad to have been of help ;)

And yep total NC and before you know it you won't even worry about it.

Viva12- I know first hand that you can find a guy who is marriage minded- it takes patience, and the right mindset for both of you. Just so you know I'm only 19, but I have a one and only and we're engaged. I went into a dating relationship with him with the intention of marrying him. I tested the waters first, I was friends with him, I saw how he treated me and my siblings, how he acted around my family, how he was in group settings and with my friends, etc. I even made sure that I felt comfortable around HIS family.

My twin sister is currently dating a young man, and both of them also have the intent on marriage, he is not religious at all, and is currently in the process of going into college, so this isn't conservative stuff for religious people or anything. (I hope it doesn't come off that way.)

If you want to avoid more hurt and heartbreak (as I said before) be patient, and wait for the right man to come into your life. You don't have to go around searching, and trying to find him- just be observant of the guys that come into your life (and who knows, maybe you already know the guy you're going to get married to.) Become students of these guys- let them teach you about themselves, and learn about them.

If you begin a relationship with a guy take it slow and ease into it. You could also consider counseling together. (I go to premaritial counseling with my fiancé, and it's awesome, we get tools for communcation, conflict resolution, etc. Which could be a big help to a couple who is just starting in a relationship.)

Hey Jaime,I appreciate your answers,as well as everyone's,thanks!
Its not wrong or religious, to be marriage minded,I believe it makes A lot of sense,you want someone whose marriage minded and want a solid relationship,not someone whose not serious about you or want long term.
But how do you avoid these kind of men? They seem as if they're everywhere!
I know personally two friends who meet men who pretend they wanted to settle down,(by the first month of dating!) and retract ecverything they say and bolt.
I should have looked at numerous redflags,with the fact that he was already into another woman after his ex and him broke up, she ( his interest)) of course didn't give him the time of day so he came back to me till he found someone else that he'd preferred,so I was always Choice B till I became not even an option.
NC helps clear things,plus the fact that he keeps his distance until he wants to be bothered again,this time I'm not interested. This looking for a marriage minded guys sounds so much better and more substantial,and I'm a bit older than you and here you are teaching me lots girl!
My sights were indeed low,I just wanted to have someone there who at least reciprocate my feelings and is decent towards me. That's not enough, I do deserve better,
I'm not into short flings or committmentphobic relationships w/ men who are that way and don't want anything more with me,(then they go for someone else) thanks for helping me that I deserve a lot better.

No problem viva12! I guess the way you can avoid getting into a relationship with men who are deceptive and manipulative as you've described is to be up front about what you are looking for in a relationship. When you know what you want out of a relationship, and you know what to look for, you shouldn't get involved with a man unless, or until he has those qualities (everyone has their quirks so of course some minor exceptions can be made- you won't find a PERFECT man.) When I was 16 I sat down and made a list of all the qualities I was looking for in a future husband, and I made sure that my fiancé knew that I was looking for marriage from the get-go.

Become friends with guys before you begin a relationship with them, that way you can observe, and have more trust in them to discern if they are being truthful if and when they say to you "I'm in it for life". When you build a friendship, you're building a foundation which you can build a possible relationship on. (relationships can be dramatic and mushy, and when it all comes falling down it's good to have a friendship to base everything on.) You don't want to marry someone who just jumped into a relationship with you head-first, you want to marry your best friend right? After all, you are ultimately giving your life, trust, love, and respect to this person. So, become friends first so both know what you're getting into BEFORE the mushy drama begins..

No problem viva12! I guess the way you can avoid getting into a relationship with men who are deceptive and manipulative as you've described is to be up front about what you are looking for in a relationship. When you know what you want out of a relationship, and you know what to look for, you shouldn't get involved with a man unless, or until he has those qualities (everyone has thier quirks so of course some minor exceptions can be made- you won't find a PERFECT man.) When I was 16 I sat down and made a list of all the qualities I was looking for in a future husband, and I made sure that my fiance knew that I was looking for marriage from the get-go.

Become friends with guys before you begin a relationship with them, that way you can observe, and have more trust in them to discern if they are being truthful if and when they say to you "I'm in it for life". When you build a friendship, you're building a foundation which you can build a possible relationship on. (relationships can be dramatic and mushy, and when it all comes falling down it's good to have a friendship to base everything on.) You don't want to marry someone who just jumped into a relationship with you head-first, you want to marry your best friend right? After all, you are ultimately giving your life, trust, love, and respect to this person. So, become friends first so both know what you're getting into BEFORE the mushy drama begins...!


Hey Jaime,well with the jerk I thought we were friends,and could count on each other,sometimes guys,(not in general) don't make good friends,like call you when they say they will, I met lots of guys I struck friendship with and they can be as flaky as women friends. I feel as if that's looking for a needle ina haystack.
I'm not sure

There's not just one needle in the haystack (I hope... )

It isn't supposed to be easy, that's what makes it all the more special when you find them

I think when you know yourself well, and love yourself enough, then you will protect yourself, when you run across BS you don't like.

People can be very deceptive in words and actions, but if you pay attention to them over time, you see the true colors come out.

Yes players can be very charming, and attractive, until they get what they want, then their true selfish nature comes out, and if your so caught up in your own feelings for them, you will never see it coming, even though its obvious to others around you.

Taking your time, and paying attention is your best defense, along with not getting carried away by intense feelings, and listening to your brain, not your heart.

I think when you know yourself well, and love yourself enough, then you will protect yourself, when you run across BS you don't like.

People can be very deceptive in words and actions, but if you pay attention to them over time, you see the true colors come out.

Yes players can be very charming, and attractive, until they get what they want, then their true selfish nature comes out, and if your so caught up in your own feelings for them, you will never see it coming, even though its obvious to others around you.

Taking your time, and paying attention is your best defense, along with not getting carried away by intense feelings, and listening to your brain, not your heart.

You're right on the money Tali and Azif,still it wouldn't be right if here I was getting played and discarded while the current flame gets the Royal treatment if she does,all I know its a lot better than what I'm getting. It seems though I'm just a passing through temp while the next girl gets hired permanently,how fun is that? I know I shouldn't care,but I want to ensure that I don't carry a 'use and discard me,I'm just a stepping stone to your nxt relationship' signal to the next guy,but I will take all your advices to heart,keep it coming!know I can always count on you folks here in AMHD than any other so call Forum sites.

That's dd I got a notification that I got new replies to this old post,oh well