My best friend is getting married in May and has asked me to be the Maid of Honor. I accepted but told her when I accepted that I would not be able to afford to purchase a "one time use" gown and would need her guarantee that my dress would be something classic and re-wearable she agreed.

Well today she called to let me know that instead of the wine colored cocktail dress we agreed on I was to now go out and purchase a rather impractical organza easter egg lilac dress from an expensive bridal shop.

Her reason was that one of the bridesmaid looked bad in the bridesmaid dress she picked out so she decided to put her in a different dress and now did not want "a bunch of mis matched dressed strolling down the aisle". I told her that she knew I could not afford to purchase a toss off dress nor could I afford a dress from an expensive dress store. What can I do here to not seem like the jerky friend? She keeps turning it around saying that I'm making a fuss... am I? Thank for your help.

Well it is her wedding. If you cannot afford a dress you should tell her and ask that she pick someone else or fork over the money. This is her day.

You had told her told her when you accepted that you would not be able to afford to purchase a "one time use" gown and would need her guarantee that your dress would be something classic and re-wearable.

SHE AGREED.

No, you aren't making a fuss. Tell her you have changed your mind unless she finds something suitable for all the women in her wedding.

I am going to be the maid of honor at my best friends wedding as well.

She too wants me to buy an expensive dress from a bridal shop. She also wants me to pay for other things, coming out to about a $1000.00 balance. I simply cannot afford that. I know its her day, but I don't even spend that amount of money on myself.

I told my friend that if she can't pick a reasonably priced dress, I would not be able to do it. I don't want to spend over $300 on something that I will never wear again, and I don't think anyone should.

Maybe you could get together with the bride and bridesmaids and have a "window shopping" day so you can all come to an agreement that you like, and that is reasonably cheap. I have tried this with the wedding party that I am a part of but nobody agreed.

Well the bridesmaids are all fine with the dress that was chosen for them. The bride and I slaved over finding a beautiful color, cut and style that would flatter the bridesmaids different body types and coloring however I guess we missed the mark on the one gal. I guess I'm just upset that we worked so hard on finding something flattering for the bridesmaids and finding a color dress for me that was attractive, classic and would go great with the bridesmaid dresses and she just throws it out the window.

She is just laying the absolute most heinous guilt trip on me. I called my mom from the bridal shop in tears not only was the dress expensive but the color is awful as is the fit. I know it is her day and she said to me that if the situation was reversed she would do whatever I asked and I told her I would never ask you to purchase an expensive dress you will never wear again.

She just seems as if she will not budge and yet she swapped out dresses for one girl and changed up the whole look of the wedding party. She and I have been friends for over 10 years and I've never seen her sit so hard on something. I even asked her if she wanted me to step down as MOH and she said she would be disappointed if I did but that it was up to me.

Glinda, I know this is her day. But I have to side with you here as I know how it is not to be able to afford some things.

You can tell her that you are very honored that she would like you to be her MOH, unfortunately you cannot afford the dress that she picked. Let her know that it hurts you as much as it hurts her, but this is something that would set you back months as far as a budget goes.

Have you discussed with her the possibility of renting the dresses from the dress shop? Many places, like tux places, rent their formal wear. This may be an option.

I will ask her about that. We are supposed to talk more about it tonight. I'm glad that I'm not nuts. I do not think its too much to ask to be able to shop around for a dress and find something in my budget as we originally agreed to.

I just do not understand how someone can expect people to purchase a dress they will never, ever wear again. I could never ask my friends to buy something that would be useless to them. I mean really where on earth would I wear a poufy organza lilac dress? I'm a little too old for the easter parade.

The question that comes to my mind is, why is the bride so worried about making this other bridesmaid happy, but won't budge a bit for you? If it is your responsibility to honor the bride's wishes, shouldn't it be that one bridesmaid's responsibility too? It seems to me that bridesmaid should have followed the first dress and wedding plan.

Don't let her lay a guilt trip on you. It may be her day, but it can be expensive for everyone in the wedding party. The same as the bride I am dealing with, they need to take other people's finances into account.

After how hard you worked for her, I think you should have a little say in what you wear and how much money you will need to be spending.

That's how I feel and I told her that I felt that she was willing to change anything for anyone else but not for me. She said that since it was not about me looking awful in a dress then it was moot however I do look awful in the dress pastel colors look terrible on me. She told me to just put "something colorful in my hair".

Its just funny because a friend of hers got married over a year ago (before she was engaged) and this friend had her buy an expensive dress, travel down to Florida for the wedding (airfare and hotel) and I remember her saying I would never expect people to spend so much money on my wedding.

Women can get really crazy when it comes to weddings and it can be a real strain on a friendship. Whether she is being inreasonable or not, this is her day and you have to ask yourself how much you are willing to deal with for this friendship.
Again, you either fork over the money, or tell her you're sorry but you can't do it. Talk to her about it. She will either understand and try to make some type of arrangement or she won't. This type of thing happens a lot with weddings. A lot of brides take into concideration the money other's put out, some MOH figure, this is my friend and money is not going to be an issue. This is something you have to decide.

I just don't want me backing out causing a strain in our friendship. She has been more sensitive lately and I don't want her to come to some knee jerk conclusion.

Then you do what you as a friend, feel you need to do. Buy the dress and be done with it.

Maybe we here on AMHD should collect donations for Glinda so she can afford whatever expenses come her way as maid of honor. (The bride's new bridesmaid dress choice sounds kind of icky though.)

You've heard of bridezillas? I hope the bride is not going to become one of those. She may be trying too hard to please whoever the current complainer is.

It seems like the only choice I have is to pay for a dress I cannot afford or lose a friend... is that it or I'm I just worrying WAY too much here?

From the letters I've read in Dear Abby etc. the bride rarely forgets stuff like this. It's probably a woman thing.

It seems like the only choice I have is to pay for a dress I cannot afford or lose a friend....is that it or I'm I just worrying WAY too much here?

It seems to me like any reasonable person would be willing to come to a compromise. I don't think your choices should be spend a ridiculous amount of money on an ugly dress you'll never wear again, or lose your relationship as friends.

Is the bride dead-set on the ugly bridesmaid dress, or would she be willing to rethink it?

She is pretty much dead set on it. I tried to get her to look at other dresses in other colors and even different styles of the same dress and she refused. She then did the whole this is my day not yours and you are trying to make it about you, blah blah blah.

I am not saying you should do this, at all, but if "my bride" and me can't come to a compromise, I'm going to have to choose my money. I have kids and a household to take care of, and just can't afford it.

If she won't look at any other dresses at all, your choices are buy the dress, or don't. The thing is, after this day passes you will more than likely go back to being the best of friends, but you'd still be stuck with that dress. Maybe after the wedding you can sell it on eBay or something?

I just really cannot afford this dress. I'm starting my own business so all of my money is tied up in that. I know her and she is a grudge holder. I just feel so stuck. Its like my reasonable friend is all of a sudden unreasonable. Is it possible that she is trying to push me out purposefully?

You know, you can either afford it or you can't. If you can't, bow out of it. She will either understand or she won't. And if she doesn't, then you have just learned something about her that you probably needed to know.

That's very true. Thank you.

It is possible, but would there be a reason why? Have you been fighting lately or anything like that (other than over this issue)?

Like Wondergirl said, she could just be becoming a Bridezilla. I hope not for your sake, because they look like they are extremely difficult to deal with.

Be honest with her. If you already have, do it again. Tell her that you are starting your business and thinking of your future, and this is an expense you just cannot afford. She will either understand, or she won't. If she doesn't understand, then I feel it is her loss. When it comes to spending money you cannot afford to spend, you really have to think of yourself as well as the bride.

I hope she understands and your friendship stays in tact. If it doesn't, you are probably better off in the long run.
I wish you the best.

Our friendship has been fine. She lives in NY and I lived there as well up until about 5 months ago and things between us have been okay. She is sort of flaky with calling and emailing but that's just her. I just never thought that something like a wedding could cause this much drama between the two of us.

Weddings can make some women act a plain fool.

Isn't that bride paying for all in America? Why you are asked to pay for it Glinda?
I might be wrong, but I thought Bride pays for everything.

Isn't that bride paying for all in America? Why you are asked to pay for it Glinda?
I might be wrong, but I thought Bride pays for everything.

Most of the time the members of the wedding party are responsible for paying for their own things such as dress, hair, nails, etc. If a bride pays for it, that is a very nice bride. :p

Most of the time the members of the wedding party are responsible for paying for their own things such as dress, hair, nails, etc. If a bride pays for it, that is a very nice bride. :p

In Japan, it's the man's responsibility to PAY FOR EVERYTHING. What a culture difference here!:p

In Japan, it's the man's responsibility to PAY FOR EVERYTHING. What a culture difference here!:p

Yes most definitely. :p

Wouldn't that be nice then this would not even be a problem!

As an update she never called last night and did not answer when I called her nor has she returned my message. So now I have no clue what she is thinking

Wouldn't that be nice then this would not even be a problem!

As an update she never called last night and did not answer when I called her nor has she returned my message. So now I have no clue what she is thinking

I hope everything goes well. Have you decided what you were going to do when she does decide to return your messages?

How much the new dress going to cost for you Glinda?

I'm going to tell her flat out that I simply cannot afford the dress and that if she wants me to be a part of the wedding party then she needs to pick a different dress or go back to what we initially agreed upon. If she refuses I will tell her that I will have to step down as Maid of Honor since I cannot honor what she wants at the wedding. I'm going to tell her that I hope that this doesn't damage our friendship but if she feels slighted there is nothing I can do about it.

How much the new dress gonna cost for you Glinda?

Originally she just told me to get a dress in a wine/chambord color that was cocktail length and I could get it anywhere. Which meant that I could find something at a discount store for probably $50 - totally affordable.

The new dress is about $500 not including alterations, shoes, accessories, etc

Good job. It sounds like you are going to do what is best for you, and that is the most important. :)

Originally she just told me to get a dress in a wine/chambord color that was cocktail length and I could get it anywhere. Which meant that I could find something at a discount store for probably $50 - totally affordable.

The new dress is about $500 not including alterations, shoes, accessories, etc

:eek:

Holy cow, I didn't know it was going to cost that much. I wouldn't pay for it either.

$500? Even millionares have to think about it before buying it!

You have to be frankly that you can't afford it. I hope she understands it, if not... she is quite selfish then...

Yeah its crazy. It just amazes me because we both used to complain about how blind brides get once they start doing all the wedding stuff. We used to really make fun of some of our girlfriends who would turn into total nutjobs its just sad that she become one of those nutjobs.

The dress is $500.00? That is insane.
See the way wealthy people do it, the bride pays for all of that stuff. MOH only does the shower.
I would not ask someone to pay that kind of money for a dress that will only be worn once, especially if I have friends for whom I know it would be a struggle. That is just inconsiderate.

Hun, it may not be much help here and I see you already have a bunch of great advise, but I cannot help adding my $.02 ;)

I found my MOH's dress on eBay for $21.21 (with shipping) Lots of people there buy stock from out-of-business dress shops and sell them for a profit. (When this one came, it had a $180 price tag still attached) Its common now to have each girl or just the MOH in a different dress... though it may be the same color. Maybe you could find a similar dress on eBay and stand out slightly as MOH?

Netbride.com is another place I looked into. They are a brick and mortar store that sells/ships directly to you, cheaper. My own dress was $630 in the salon, Netbride sold it to me for $371. They have bridesmaid dress there too, s you might be able to get the same dress; much cheaper. (you can email them for a free quote)

HTH :D

Originally she just told me to get a dress in a wine/chambord color that was cocktail length and I could get it anywhere. Which meant that I could find something at a discount store for probably $50 - totally affordable.

The new dress is about $500 not including alterations, shoes, accessories, etc

WHAT!! A bridesmaid dress should NEVER cost that much! My bridal gown was just over 1/2 that! My word. :(

You're welcome Glinda. Let me know if that works. If not, there are some other sites I can refer you too... but I had personal experience with Netbride, so I can tell you they are GREAT to work with. Got my own quotes within 24 hours... and I asked for tons of them. ;)

I am a little late in coming to this picnic, but I have to echo the sentiments expressed above. You are not being unreasonable. The bride is if she expects you to back down on your early declaration that you weren't in a position to buy an expensive throw away dress. If the bride feels so strongly about these dresses, then maybe she should pay for them as her"gift" to her bridal attendants. If not the whole dress, maybe half. I did this with my own wedding 17 years ago. Many of my attendants were older (30-ish) and even though they all had careers, I felt that paying for half of the dress they would likely only wear once was the very least I could do.
Is this one maid she's changing everything for a future family member, by any chance?

Nope not a future family member. Fortunately "dress wise" her future SIL is a tall, willowy model type.