Hey all

Hope you are having a good day. Basically, here is my situation. I'm upper twenties.

I moved to a new city 8 months ago and at the time only knew my friend, his wife, and a few cocorkers. I met this girl through match, and we really seemed to hit it off. 4 months into the relationship, things were going great, and I was telling her I was falling in love for her. She told me she was falling in liking me. This started a huge argument between us.

I was gone for over a week from her tending do some business and when I came back, something major happened in her life that she still hasn't totally overcome from. I helped her to decide to go get counseling, and the relationship became more strained. We are both very stubborn, very passionate people. Our highs are really high, but when we fight, growl!! Get out of the way.

So as we move forward to the next couple of months, She is putting more pressure on me because I didn't say I love you yet, and I told her I just wanted to stop some of the arguing because it was ruining our relationship.

At times we would push each other's buttons to argue and it would be so hard for a bit and then we would come together.

During the last month, I started to realize that I wanted to slow down with her, start putting together our lives more in line. She has wanted this the whole time, saying I was the one, wanting to move in, do more couple oriented things. She said I went out too much (which since the incedent, we were not together maybe 3 days in 3 months).

At the time I wanted to slow down, she said she felt I wasn't the one anymore because of the arguing, lack of communication, and the going out.

We still love each other, physically and emotionally. And now she asks me why I want to do all these things she wanted to do in the beginning. I really didn't have an answer for her but told her I have been understress (new city, new job in sales, trying to adjust and meet new real people). I have changed into a better person, it just took me a lot longer to realize it.

I've written her notes, letters, which she seems to be receptive to. When I talk about us, our future, her eyes light up but then turn to black and says she cannot because she doesn't want to get hurt anymore. She is a different type of Christian than me, and while that was not "how pictured things planned out," I accept it and I am willing to work with her.

This will be my last effort with her. She is my best friend, my everything. Her ex-bf who she used to live with has been a sore spot the whole relationship. They used to hang out together alone before I realized who he was clearly. He has been telling her he loves her and now since we are apart, they hang out all the time. She doesn't know that many people in the city we live in (1 girl, 2 guys). He has always been trying to hang out with her alone and she knew I didn't approve of that (just because of the way he still had feelings for her).

The sore spots of the relationship:
Financial (not confiding in each other, her confiding still in her ex)
Religion (she is not the same as mine, but we rarely went to church together)
Moving (we talked early on about moving in together, then not a peep)
Communication (sometimes it gets lost, and sometimes we fight so so hard)

I am willing to work and compromise on all of this. She says she cannot change me, and I tell her you are not changing me, I am evolving throughout the relationship.

We are going to be apart for a total of 5 days with no contact, no nothing. I took that time to write her a letter, a letter that removed my from the stress of the situation and reflected, prayed, and thought outside of the box. Write her why I have been so frustrated and under stress (moving, job, financial, family, not able to provide for her). I also graded our relationship in every aspect, grading us overall, me, and her. I also wrote different things... what I'm sorry about, what I believe, etc.

I plan on giving her the letter, and a promise ring as soon as I can see her (she is 24). I know, 28 and a promise ring!? I don't feel an engagement ring would be right. But I want to show her how serious I am since at one point she thought I was the one up until recently, as in after we broke up.

Questions:
*Am I going about this right? I feel this is the right way to try before just closing the chapter.
*Should I give her the letter and all the pieces of it? Or, leave out the part where I graded every aspect of our relationship. We haved talked about all of this, but never actually wrote down where we were strong and weak.

Please let me know if I am missing anything to help clear the situation up.

Thanks

It sound to me like you have a plan there. I cannot see anthing wrong with it either.

So.. let's see what this short break will bring, and get back with us on your update.

For now, you've pretty much got the thumbs up for trying, dear and I wish you lots of luck.

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It sound to me like you have a plan there. I cannot see anthing wrong with it either.

So.. let's see what this short break will bring, and get back with us on your update.

For now, you've pretty much got the thumbs up for trying, dear and I wish you lots of luck.

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Thanks Chery-

I must say that after the initial broke up, it was a rough week. I got sick, she ended up taking care of me and we started acting like bf/gf. She said she needed 2 to 3 weeks to sort through things. Then, when she wanted to talk, I wasn't available at that moment (I went to a friend's birthday party at a bar and was miserable the whole time). She thinks that points to the fact I cannot get out of the bar scene but I told her I couldn't be by myself. I ended up driving over to her place to sleep next to her and when she got home, I was there.

Then we acted like bf/gf and she wanted to talk again but I needed some lone time, so she got upset and said it was over again. Then, we talked the next few days and then it became more harder or distant and then I left for the business trip.

Well, being unavailable two times when she wanted to talk does make it hard on you.

Did you maybe avoid these talks for fear of being rejected for good? Some peole mean to talk about a lot until the showdown, then they tend to go back into the shell to protect themselves from what they fear will happen.

You need to get answers to your questions, one way or the other about this chapter in your life. So.. don't put anything in the 'waiting zone' for long.

Pull yourself together and have that talk with her so that you both can plan ahead one way or the other.
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I was unavailable because I was doing something else. She kept calling but I didn't want to answer her because I was at the bar sitting next to the birthday people. I didn't want her to hear me being there but I finally answered and she yelled at me for being at the bar.

She said that it just showed how much I changed and everything I said was nothing but pure lies. I told her it was because I was so miserable and by myself and wanted to be around others and the only people I knew were sitting at the bar at the birthday party.

PLUS: Whenever I bring up the serious, emotional questions, she says she cannot answer them because it brings too much hurt and too much pain.

I am going along with the whole promise ring and letter idea. You think that is a good idea? As I said, the promise ring is to show her how much I want to be and work out things with her.

You do whatever you feel like doing dear, the response however, will be her choice.

Again, good luck.

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