It's been over a year now that it's been over. But about half of that year my ex and I have still clearly had an emotional attachment (talking about being confused and scared that we were breaking up, etc). I admit that on his part, it's been less. But I also admit that he's a better friend and is known for having a big heart in general.

I need help. This is all affecting me greatly; even though it's been more than a year and a half since he has left!

The problem is that he's a good friend…and sometimes this confuses me into thinking that there is hope.
He doesn't tell me he loves me or doesn't ever try to get close to me physically anymore (since we have broken up), but he goes out of his way to do things for me that show someone cares. For example, I was telling my friend that I had been studying so much that I didn't have time to even eat. My friend told my ex this, and as a result my ex asked her to make sure I'm home between a certain time, and had my favorite pizza delivered to my place. Or on my birthday a few months ago, he read me a poem he wrote about me. It was platonic and about how I was his best friend. He's just a big sweetheart, and I think that's what kills. He's visited twice more since then, I've made sure not to see him because it's emotionally overbearing. I haven't told him that that is the reason, but he knows it I'm sure.

I drove him away. I had said I didn't want a serious relationship (which is what I truly felt at the time). Now I am beating myself up over that. He wanted me in every way and even talked about moving away with him and being his forever. I couldn't help but feel that this is not what I wanted at the time (I was 22). He was hurt that he was moving and that I didn't want to be his; so he left and moved on without me. I missed him and still miss him like crazy. I realized how much I wanted him and loved him when he left. I was actually realizing this months before he was leaving! I tried to tell him months before he left that I had made a mistake, and I said I would move away with him, but he said he didn't understand where my emotions were coming from because for the past two years I had been pushing him away. I tried everything to show that I was in love with him and wanted him, but nothing worked.

Now he has a new girlfriend. He's been contacting me, but he still says he only cares about me as a friend. I miss him and love him dearly. I don't know what to do. I backed off these past 8 months. I never call him, message his phone, or even message him online. I want to respect him and leave him to be with his choice. For his birthday I really pushed him away and said I was too busy to see him. I feel horrible, but I know if I see him all I will want to do is cry in his arms...

I miss him and I love him so much. I know we are meant to be together. I wish that we could just love each other deeply at the same time. It's as if we have been taking turns. What do I do to get him back or make him see we are meant to be together? I've tried no contact, and it has had him seeking me out, but then it's faded when I respond or join in getting the communication going again. And no contact, I have to admit, makes me feel like a bad friend. He goes out of his way to do things for me or contact me and to show he cares, but I've been distancing myself because I've also been attempting to accept that we cannot be together. That's not what I want to do though! I just want to be in his arms. I'm confused as to what I should do. No contact has also made use grow apart... like he had a new phone number and I didn't know about it until he called me weeks after he got it. Or I moved to a new place and he never knew about it until he came to town. Etc, etc. We use to be first to know things about each other, but now we're last. This scares me.

Sorry to hear this. I have made a similar mistake in my life.

You made a mistake, learn from it. That's really all the advice I can give.

Keep in touch with him and love him as a friend. Maybe one day the circumstances will turn and you might be able to work towards being together again. But right now you can't. You need to move on in your life as he has in his.

Mistakes are worthless if we don't learn from them. This will start getting unhealthy for you if you don't start making moves to let go of him. This probably isn't what you want to hear. Sorry.

Many people make mistakes, it's the way you handle it which defines you from others.

An easy way to realize the reason for everything happening, is to simply think of how we began as young children. We put certain things in our mouths that tasted terrible, but we learned not to ever put it in out mouths again. We went to places where we shouldn't have, and when we realized that it was a mistake since we got in trouble, we never went there again. This applies to everything that we have learned and will continue to learn throughout our lives. Almost everything that we learn and know, comes from, or came from trial and error... which is simply doing things, some right, some wrong, and learning from the wrong.

In your case, you gained many things from your relationship with your ex-bf, however, you probably don't see it as a gain... but what you gained, is the knowledge of the strength of love. Having gained this knowledge, you will be able to carry this on with you forever, and the next time you find someone you are that in love with (it could be someone else, or even him... don't wait around with expectations and high hopes though) you will use this knowledge to make sure you don't push them away, and will instead nurture the powerful love that you share with this person.

I know that it is hard to see this now, but eventually you will look back and realize this... be it that you wind up with him, or another person. You need to continue to live your life, do things that make you feel good about yourself, do things that you really enjoy, and continue to become a better person everyday. Seek for that knowledge of the strength of love that I was talking about, and once you realize that you have that knowledge, it will be apparent to others as well... but first you must realize it yourself. Then, as you continue to make yourself stronger, you will feel great about yourself, and realize that, if you ever see him again, you will take him by surprise... and on the off chance it doesn't take him by surprise... then you just brush it off, because no matter what he thinks, you will still be this great strong person that you created... and someone will be taken by surprise, and you will have the chance to do it right. We could spend all day trying to fix the mistakes in the world, but we would die before we even made any progress. So keep your head up... and most importantly, focus on yourself, and everything will naturally fall in place. Many people would die to have someone care about them, as you say you care about your ex... and if he won't be the one that appreciates it, the right person will, and they will make you feel appreciated in return. Keep your head up and let us know how things go over time with you. Take care!

I feel like my worth value has come down in his eyes. I'm the "ex" that cannot even see him anymore as friends. His other 2 ex girlfriends do hangout with him and they are friends with him.

I have tried to hangout with him, but "not doing so" has made it a bit easier for me to accept the breakup...

These past few days have been very bad. I miss him.

Well, if it's too hard to be only friends with him, I think it's time to bandage it up and leave it to heal. You can't heal if you keep peeling off the scab.

I would recommend initiating no contact. In your situation I think it's okay to say goodbye to him, tell him it's too painful to only be friends with him because you want more. Tell him you can't be in his life in any way anymore. That you need to get over him.

It will take a very long time, but if you keep out of contact with him (and this will need you to be very strong at times), then it will heal eventually. Fill your life with friends and hobbies when you feel you can manage, you need to start moving on, start a new chapter. Live and Learn.

The problem is that he's a good friend…and sometimes this confuses me into thinking that there is hope.

Unlike his other exes, you have not sufficiently healed from this relationship, and whether you had more emotions invested in him than you thought, you need more time to put this behind, and move on, as his very presence still tweaks some very intense feelings in you. Get out of his life for a while, and focus on just you, and your own happiness, until you can better deal with the feelings your holding on to. You just need more time.

Danger. ABORT!!
You are in the friend ZONE!!
Fine, if thast works for you - but it doesn't... read on:

If you had read this you hopefully would have preserved some sanity: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/how-break-up-survive-101-use-you-wish-114179.html

You are a luxury to him. An old trusted friend. IF you all are meant to be together, it is HIS responsibility, not yours. I DO believe in extending an olive branch ONCE (it has worked for me!) But you have extended a redwood....enough.

DO not feel guilty about getting a new life and see what life has in store for you. If it is meant to be - it will be - but please, please, please, pretty please with sweet-n-low on top, stop trying to rekindle this. That SLOWS it down.

I think some couples CAN reunite after deciding they are great friends and lovers - and fate takes over... but not until they both do their part... test the waters with a clear head. FLY be FREE!

Hugs from the internet...

Honestly the best thing you can do is to stick with NC. Although real hard! In time maybe you can be friends or maybe more. You still have your whole life ahead of you, why rush? Hes still alive and so are you. Just means you will both have time to learn about the world and life etc etc.

Perhaps you made a mistake. Perhaps it can be rectified in the future but in your current emotional state I don't think anything can be made of it until you have healed.

If only our mouth was on a 10 second delay. Every one of us has no such fuxury.

If only our mouth was on a 10 second delay. Every one of us has no such fuxury.

In what context? Sounds like you have regrets?

Danger. ABORT!!
You are in the friend ZONE!!
Fine, if thast works for you - but it doesn't...read on:

If you had read this you hopefully would have preserved some sanity: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/how-break-up-survive-101-use-you-wish-114179.html

You are a luxury to him. An old trusted friend. IF you all are meant to be together, it is HIS responsibility, not yours. I DO believe in extending an olive branch ONCE (it has worked for me!) But you have extended a redwood....enough.

DO not feel guilty about getting a new life and see what life has in store for you. If it is meant to be - it will be - but please, please, please, pretty please with sweet-n-low on top, stop trying to rekindle this. That SLOWS it down.

I think some couples CAN reunite after deciding they are great friends and lovers - and fate takes over....but not until they both do their part....test the waters with a clear head. FLY be FREE!!

hugs from the internet....

You know what Ash? Sometimes I worry that when I'm not coming to see him, as he's been asking when he comes to vist, or when I'm not returning his calls and text messages anymore... that I might be pushing him away when he's trying to get us "back together". Like for example, he did all these things for my birthday while he was living in England... but when he came back home for his own birthday, I didn't even come to see him or give him his gift. I thought it was too painful so I wouldn't respond to him. He also had called me many times from England, but I never once called him myself. I actually haven't called him "once" in over a year.

I fear this so much. But I've decided to not respond anymore to him because every time I did respond... I've had these thoughts that "maybe he does love me"... only to find that his love purely is only in the "friendship" sense. And this kills me... because I want more, and keep hoping for more.

So, what do I do? Do I continue to ignore his emails, phone calls, etc? Does this risk preventing us working at it, and getting back together? It seems to only be making us grow apart... like I said, he didn't even know that I moved, and I didn't even know his phone-number anymore, etc...

Well, if it's too hard to be only friends with him, i think it's time to bandage it up and leave it to heal. You can't heal if you keep peeling off the scab.

I would recommend initiating no contact. In your situation I think it's okay to say goodbye to him, tell him it's too painful to only be friends with him because you want more. Tell him you can't be in his life in any way anymore. That you need to get over him.

It will take a very long time, but if you keep out of contact with him (and this will need you to be very strong at times), then it will heal eventually. Fill your life with friends and hobbies when you feel you can manage, you need to start moving on, start a new chapter. Live and Learn.

Yeah I've told him before that it's too painful to only be friends... and that I want it to say goodbye... but then he has initiated contact before telling me he misses me as a friend... and that he does not want this to be the last memory between us.

He loves me very deeply as a friend, but never more than one anymore. I haven't contacted him in over a year, but I use to respond to him contacting me.

Now I don't anymore... I feel guilty that even on his birthday I wouldn't see him when he came down to visit, especially when he was doing so much for me while he was in England. Am I pushing him away? Now I'm not responding to his text messages, phone calls, etc...

On his actual birthday date, he wanted me to come and have dinner with his family. He said that I was his only friend he wanted there before his birthday party on the weekend, which included all of his friends.

This confuses me into thinking there is hope... because he does at least love me "a lot" in some realm. But I didn't respond... I want to stop crying and longing for us to be together. And as I've said a million times, I feel that maybe me not responding or acknowleding these calls or messages anymore, is going to wedge us apart. I feel like not responding to him on his birthday was the final blow?

I've told him in the past that even though I want no contact, or if I stop talking to him, it's never about me "hating" him, but it's because I love him and need to move on. I hope he remembers that...

Maybe its kind of a bad habit for him still contacting you. As said your in no state for a relationship at the moment, specially when he's in England! Away from you. This will give you ample time to learn if he's in a different country.

I've told him in the past that even though I want no contact, or if I stop talking to him, it's never about me "hating" him, but it's because I love him and need to move on. I hope he remembers that...
You've said and done all you could here... and I'm sure he has fond memories of you. The only problem is that YOU don't have fond memories of YOU..

If you still feel guilty that you did not celebrate his birthday with him, then this is something you have to work on. He had no control over this decision then and cannot make your guilt over it disappear.

It will also not do you any good to go through the 'what ifs'. It is time to learn to stand alone and like yourself.

We all learn something from every relationship we are involved with, so take the lesson learned and make sure you don't make the same mistakes in the future.

You need closure on this, so please work on it and good luck.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_14.gif

He sent me a text today saying "what's up?"
Because I haven't heard from him in a long time, it was a bit of a shock to me. I actually cried because I was so happy to have that little communication with him... despite being the one to tell him we shouldn't talk anymore.

I'm not going to respond to it. I know I shouldn't because I'm still in love with him, but I also, like I've been saying, feel horrible because I can't be a good friend right now. I wish I was strong enough to just "switch" to being friends.

My girlfriend told me yesterday that her cousin and her boyfriend had been broken up for five years, and had no contact. The ex boyfriend emailed her cousin a few months ago, and now the two are getting married. When I heard this I started to cry. It sounded like the impossible.

Great! Keep it up. :)

[QUOTE] I'm not going to respond to it. I know I shouldn't because I'm still in love with him, but I also, like I've been saying, feel horrible because I can't be a good friend right now. I wish I was strong enough to just "switch" to being friends.


Honey, some people are good 'just friends material'. Those type are usually not as emotionally involved as their partners in the first place. I'm not saying that he didn't love you, just saying there are different types of love. On a scale of 1 to 10.. his 10 might be your 5.. Depending on emotional growth.


My girlfriend told me yesterday that her cousin and her boyfriend had been broken up for five years, and had no contact. The ex boyfriend emailed her cousin a few months ago, and now the two are getting married. When I heard this I started to cry. It sounded like the impossible.

I am certain that their earlier relationship grew while they were apart. They both had a chance to develop and mature, achieve closure of the past, and liked how each has changed. Ask them what they went through and you'll probably be able to compare a few instances. What happened to them was time and growth.

So.. give time and growth a chance in your life. It might surprise you.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_22_19.gifWork on what you'd like to see in the mirror.

He sent me a text today saying "what's up?"
Because I haven't heard from him in a long time, it was a bit of a shock to me. I actually cried because I was so happy to have that little communication with him...despite being the one to tell him we shouldn't talk anymore.

I'm not going to respond to it. I know I shouldn't because I'm still in love with him, but I also, like i've been saying, feel horrible because I can't be a good friend right now. I wish I was strong enough to just "switch" to being friends.

My girlfriend told me yesterday that her cousin and her boyfriend had been broken up for five years, and had no contact. The ex boyfriend emailed her cousin a few months ago, and now the two are getting married. When I heard this I started to cry. It sounded like the impossible.

You are still in love. It's not a crime... But not healing is - to yourself.
If you all are to be - it will NOT be now... or any time close to now.
This guy needs to understand that this dynamic does not work for you.
PLEASE stop the contact.
If need be, tell him that being friends does not work for you right now, and it will one day.
AND you are so glad for the times you shared and look forward to one day being friends again after you have some time alone... or something like that - You WILL be very surprised who comes into your life from past or future once you go forward... That's what makes life happen. Going forward. Even while hurting... it's part of the heart prescription process .

You tried friendship - no go
You tried contact - no go

Now try another remedy, peace and quiet and breathing in your own needs...

Whhhhoooooohhhhhhhh: Breathe

You are still in love. It's not a crime....But not healing is - to yourself.
If you all are to be - it will NOT be now...or any time close to now.
This guy needs to understand that this dynamic does not work for you.
PLEASE stop the contact.
If need be, tell him that being friends does not work for you right now, and it will one day.
AND you are so glad for the times you shared and look forward to one day being friends again after you have some time alone...or something like that - You WILL be very surprised who comes into your life from past or future once you go forward....That's what makes life happen. Going forward. Even while hurting....it's part of the heart prescription process .

You tried friendship - no go
You tried contact - no go

Now try another remedy, peace and quiet and breathing in your own needs....

Whhhhoooooohhhhhhhh: Breathe

I wish I could give you another point, but I have to spread some reputation first. Yes I love how you put that peace and quiet and breathing on my own is what's needed.

It's hard, but I'm working on it. It's off and on every day, but in general, the more I stop contact, the better I get.

[quote=Sad Soul]


Honey, some people are good 'just friends material'. Those type are usually not as emotionally involved as their partners in the first place. I'm not saying that he didn't love you, just saying there are different types of love. On a scale of 1 to 10.. his 10 might be your 5.. depending on emotional growth.



I am certain that their earlier relationship grew while they were apart. They both had a chance to develop and mature, achieve closure of the past, and liked how each has changed. Ask them what they went through and you'll probably be able to compare a few instances. What happened to them was time and growth.

So.. give time and growth a chance in your life. It might surprise you.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_22_19.gifWork on what you'd like to see in the mirror.

The system won't let me give you another reputation yet, but I just wanted to say that what you wrote is clearly the truth. This time apart is for a reason; and all for good reasons... like each of us working on ourselves.

Thanks Cherry for taking the time to help me out.

I was being pretty strong until today I met up with some old friends. These old friends happen to be very good friends with my ex as well. I would say fifty percent of the time they kept talking about him... and this made me think more and more about him. It's actually got me very depressed and I can't stop crying.

Today I was thinking I will never heal like this. I want to contact him, or at least contact him back next time he tries again... I miss him so much.

But I know if I see him, it will be odd because we will have to act on a more distant level (because we can't hold each other the same way we did when we were "together", etc).

I'm amazed by people who move on. I'm actually more amazed by people who get back together.

Yes, but your goal here is to be 'amazed' at yourself.

It will be amazing to find that you can stand alone and enjoy life. It will be amazing that you can socialize again without thinking that your right or left arm is missing. You need to work on the 'whole' you, and not on any appendages.

What happens once you have gone through this stage of 'mourning' is going to amaze you too. There is a whole world out there with people constantly changing. Nobody is standing still, they all keep going, no matter what.

Look around, almost every 4th person out there shares a history like your's at present, or in the past.. and that they all keep going.

Welcome to the real world.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gifThat's why we envy children.

You will have a really hard time, if you do not commit fully to your own healing, and accept that is what you have to do. If it means new friends, then do so. Stop and think, he is use to being friends with his exes, so how attractive can you be to him at this time? Disappear from his life, and get one of your own, and stop this false hope that hits you every time you hear his name. We have all been through this, and healing is the only way to go, as you have invested far more into this than he has, so now you must back it up, and get your own happiness back, without him. You will have bad days, but eventually they will become less, and then you can look around and see the life you can have.

I pray to be with him and keep "hoping". And of course that doesn't get me anywhere in the healing process.
I know what you mean, and it is a very hard thing to keep the emotions in check, and be happy, and very honestly the healing process is very hard to go through. Almost anything, even our own thoughts, can throw us off. But the rewards are well worth it. You will be a better and stronger person for it. Hang in there.

Thanks for your messages Talaniman. I'm very off today and keep thinking of being with him again. I'm trying to take my mind off things by focusing on school and my career... but despite wanting to do that, I'm back in a stage of being baffled and insecure about the world. It's like I don't trust life as much anymore.. It's just one of those days where I can't believe reality is as it is.

Something else scares me. My friend Donald still contacts his girlfriend, but finds her annoying and wishes she would stop loving him. I don't understand... wouldn't a guy just not contact his ex in this case? It got me thinking that maybe my ex contacts me out of obligation. But then I think that's profound because he contacts me "so damn much".

Or actually, it's died down a bit more since when he calls, emails or comes back into town, I won't speak to him, write back, or call him back. Is this action pushing him away? Or am I doing the right thing? I have no idea what to do... and I do, for the most part, just let it be and try to live my life... but sometimes the pain is truly unbearable. I know I can live without him, but I feel as though I can't.

One of the #1 questions that comes up a lot here is....If I ignore the person that broke up with me, will that drive them away? The answer is simply: NO.

Stay out of the FRIEND ZONE - until you truly want to be in it... Otherwise you are going to suffer. He can have you as a friend in a few years if, when you are ready.
Get it? It's your time frame now - not his...

There is nothing wrong with holding your ground. It does NOT make things worse.
We struggle to feel in control of a relationship after it has gone bad, and one way is to give our actions undue power. The BREAKER knows that the BREAKEE has been hurt and will not respond unless the proper (in the mind of the breakee) words, actions have been displayed over time - and even then it is up to the breakee if it's too little too late.

One exception I've seen: If a woman in a long-term relationship (and both parties are over 25) breaks with a man because she just doesn't feel properly respected, loved, supported. Then, if the man is contacted, he can emphasize his support for her in a specific way, because she may feel like the breakee - despite being the breaker... And even then, his words should be to the point and let her think.

Sad Soul.. HE IS FEELING SORRY FOR YOU.

That's what guys almost always feel first. Sorry for the girl they left, because they know how hard it's going to be. Some think it is doing them a favor by maintaing contact, but it's unfair to the gal. It's also an ego problem on the dude's side.. he's flattered that the girls is so broken up beause of him.

Your friend Donald gave give you insight of what a guy thinks and feels after a break-up, but each is also unique, so don't take all at face value.

Your healing process is not just going to let you live a life, it's going to save your life... it will stop it from standing still and get you to grow. You don't stop growth when you've reached physical maturity, it keeps going on.. that mind of ours is an amazing thing.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif

Sad Soul.. HE IS FEELING SORRY FOR YOU.

That's what guys almost always feel first. Sorry for the girl they left, because they know how hard it's going to be. Some think it is doing them a favor by maintaing contact, but it's unfair to the gal. It's also an ego problem on the dude's side.. he's flattered that the girls is so broken up beause of him.

Your friend Donald gave give you insight of what a guy thinks and feels after a break-up, but each is also unique, so don't take all at face value.

Your healing process is not just going to let you live a life, it's going to save your life... it will stop it from standing still and get you to grow. You don't stop growth when you've reached physical maturity, it keeps going on.. that mind of ours is an amazing thing.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif


I'm sure, like you have said Cherry, that a part of him does pity me or feel sorry for me. I'm the girl that, after a year of breakup, is still in love with him. Like you also said, every situation is unique... so I think a part of him does care about me. But I don't know what's what - or what it is exactly is... or why we can't be together.

I hope to God that I become a better person, smarter person, more secure person, etc while we have this time apart. I hope this time apart is so that we can better ourselves and then be ready for each other.

And that thought is probably not healthy either? I just miss my best bud. I feel like family died or something.

"I know I should stay out of the friend zone and I struggle to do so. I miss him dearly, but that is the only way to heal..."

Agreed.

Yes, It's trading one kind of pain for another... BUT the pain of separation lessens with time, once there is an end...
While the pain of "hanging on" stays the same: Ouch.

"I know I should stay out of the friend zone and I struggle to do so. I miss him dearly, but that is the only way to heal..."

Agreed.

Yes, It's trading one kind of pain for another...BUT the pain of separation lessens with time, once there is an end...
while the pain of "hanging on" stays the same: Ouch.

Yeah it is easier not to see him... but I'm suffering the consequences of us drifting apart and not knowing things about each other. This frightens the hell out of me.

And I'm really fearing that I have pushed him away when there may have been many chances of him trying to get us back together or to get communication going. He is very very shy, so I know he would never come out and just say it.

On Christmas he called me and I wouldn't call him back. He messaged me wishing me a merry Christmas. Again I did not respond. He came by the next day and gave my mother my gift. He even had a box of chocolates for my family. This memory of not calling him back haunts me. I thought at the time that contact with him was unbearable.

I was too fearful to get communication going again. I love him so much, but I realize I'm not ready to be friends at all. Like, I can't go from being so close to him and kissing his face, to being just friends. I love all the advice everyone is giving me here... but a part of me is desperately waiting for someone to suggest a magic spell.

Yeah it is easier not to see him...but I'm suffering the consequences of us drifting apart and not knowing things about eachother. This frightens the hell out of me.

And I'm really fearing that I have pushed him away when there may have been many chances of him trying to get us back together or to get communication going. He is very very shy, so I know he would never come out and just say it.

On Christmas he called me and I wouldn't call him back. He messaged me wishing me a merry Christmas. Again I did not respond. He came by the next day and gave my mother my gift. He even had a box of chocolates for my family. This memory of not calling him back haunts me. I thought at the time that contact with him was unbearable.

I was too fearful to get communication going again. I love him so much, but I realize I'm not ready to be friends at all. Like, I can't go from being so close to him and kissing his face, to being just friends. I love all the advice everyone is giving me here...but a part of me is desperately waiting for someone to suggest a magic spell.

Ok, remember: He came by at X-MAS AFTER you didn't call him back.
And what did he do? He brought chocolates... CLEARLY, CLEARLY, CLEARLY, you did not push him away. He could have spoken to you or asked to discuss a reunion if he wanted. He did not. He brought candy. Nice - but not nice enough...

Not calling DOES NOT push people away... If they have something to say or email or write that is substantial THEN you can respond. Don't torture yourself... well, how about just torturing yourself... less :-)

To give yourself a break, why don't you tell him that you think "your relationship is one that was one of love and "more than friends" and since that is not what you have now, it's easier for you not to communicate right now.....But one day I can do that when I am in the right spot...."

Then, he knows how you feel. Your work is over. Go silent and don't live with regrets.

And good things will happen. You may be surprised-it may someone else that fills your head.

Yeah it is easier not to see him... but I'm suffering the consequences of us drifting apart and not knowing things about each other. This frightens the hell out of me.

You aren't drifting apart, your broken up, and getting on with life.

Ok, remember: He came by at X-MAS AFTER you didn't call him back.
And what did he do? He brought chocolates.....CLEARLY, CLEARLY, CLEARLY, you did not push him away. He could have spoken to you or asked to discuss a reunion if he wanted. He did not. He brought candy. Nice - but not nice enough....

Not calling DOES NOT push people away....If they have something to say or email or write that is substantial THEN you can respond. Don't torture yourself...well, how about just torturing yourself....less :-)

To give yourself a break, why don't you tell him that you think "your relationship is one that was one of love and "more than friends" and since that is not what you have now, it's easier for you not to communicate right now.....But one day I can do that when I am in the right spot...."

Then, he knows how you feel. Your work is over. Go silent and don't live with regrets.

And good things will happen. You may be surprised-it may someone else that fills your head.

I wish I could give a hundred greenies here. That's the perfect thing to say to him. I guess I knew that's how I felt, but it's nice to see someone put it in words. I can't give you a greenie, but thank you very much for your post. Thanks to everyone actually. This does help.

And on a side note, he bought me a ceramic curling iron for Christmas... which is what I wanted but never bought because it was too expensive. The chocolates were for my family.
But yeah you are right that it wasn't nice enough... because the perfect gift is his love and us getting back together.

I know he said he could see how much I love him and that I'm the girl who loved him the "most" in life, but he also had said he only felt friendship for me. The reason why I hang on and pray so much is because the deep and strong friendship he has for me always makes me think that it could change to a deep love one day.

A curling iron!

Now that's LOVE!!!!!!

Oh dear. Love makes us all a little crazy. It's safe to say that he did you a favor. And your next - yes your NEXTTTTTTTT man, will have more than a curling iron to give you. His heart will be included too... Men go crazy for women that take the good with the bad. It makes them feel empowered too. Be that woman now for someone new... enough with "what's his name" - a good friend is nice... but thank god you didn't marry him. Or you wouldn't be writing me, you'd be writing a divorce attorney - and they are a lot more expensive.

Yeah it confuses me because he acts like a very good friend... and I got him nothing for Christmas... and I never called or messaged him.
And no Ash... he does not try to get me gifts that would make me think he's in love with me. He's stated over and over that we're best friends. But for me, I see the deep best friend love as a potential for turning into love again.

I'm so sorry for the way things turned out. I'm at the lowest point that I have been in months. I was doing okay for a while, and then it started hitting me again. This week I've bumped into so many of his friends, heard about him more than usual, etc, and it's all engraved his face into my mind again.

I know I should ignore him, just move on, focus on me... but I feel so weak right now.

Yep. Sometimes I'm higher than a kite... and sometimes I find myself wishing for her 2 walk back into my life (which leaves me 2 taking the blame for our breakup).

No blame she lost a great guy, only time and patience will she see what she gave up they ALWAYS do realise one day normally when its to late...

Yep. Sometimes im higher than a kite... and sometimes i find myself wishing for her 2 walk back into my life (which leaves me 2 taking the blame for our breakup).

DUDE... trust me. Your life is not over. Print this page out and you will look back and laugh one day about this chick! You are SUPPOSED to hurt at this age... as f-'d up as that seems.
That's how we become better people, lovers, mates... if you don't - you will not be good later... the funny thing is you need to hurt MORE... (more times, more girls, to get where you want to get in life) really...

Hang in there bud

Read my post and you will KNOW how much I understand and have compassion for you! I heard a saying once, "with every goodbye...you LEARN." I did the pushing away as well because of many different reasons. When he had finally "had it" and said he did NOT want the relationship anymore, it FORCED me to look at MYSELF. I did not know the true meaning of love because it didn't come in a manuel when I was growing up. Relationships were never logical to me. Many times we are in a co dependent whirlwind without ever realizing it. As much as I have been hurting over this last breakup, it has turned me to seeking professional help. We can't love in a healthy way until we look within ourselves and CHANGE those defense mechanisms which were forming themselves and insulating themselves since childhood. It really is about believing in something greater than yourself to show you the way to a stable, sound, mature, non fearing mindset. The depression and anxiety is a cylce which really can be broken. As hard and painful as it is, dear one, you have to keep "laying it down" even if it is moment to moment. I know your pain and just wanted to give you encouragement to keep believing you CAN have a life outside this man. Yes, I have had to battle every night for the past 3 weeks, the emptiness of missing his phone calls before I went to bed each night. We were planning a life together. It hurts. There are days I have to force myself out of the house to go places without him. As for the wishing and the praying? Well, I concentrate not so much anymore about having him back in my life as I do on seeking health, energy, widom, and learning how to change MY destructive behavior and conquer the fear. Yes.. you are still mourning... I know I mourned more than a year after my father died. Eventually, I sought grievance counseling because I missed him so much. For me, I had a great deal of rejection and abandonment issues which have wired me to react the way I do. These are the very issues I am working on today to be a better person tomorrow. Remember... "with ever goodbye...you LEARN."

To Me It Seems As Though He Has Moved On And Wants To Keep U Just In Case. However Nice He May Be Do U Think Hes Being Fair To U And Ur Feelings? Put The Cards On The Table. Let Him Know What U Want And How U Feel. If Hes Not Feeling The Same Its Time To Move On. But Be Clear With Him As Well As Yourself. It Hurts To Be Just Friends. (once A Releationship Has Ended Being Friends May Not Always Be Best For Either). Good Luck

TO ME IT SEEMS AS THOUGH HE HAS MOVED ON AND WANTS TO KEEP U JUST IN CASE. HOWEVER NICE HE MAY BE DO U THINK HES BEING FAIR TO U AND UR FEELINGS? PUT THE CARDS ON THE TABLE. LET HIM KNOW WHAT U WANT AND HOW U FEEL. IF HES NOT FEELING THE SAME ITS TIME TO MOVE ON. BUT BE CLEAR WITH HIM AS WELL AS UR SELF. IT HURTS TO BE JUST FRIENDS. (ONCE A RELEATIONSHIP HAS ENDED BEING FRIENDS MAY NOT ALWAYS BE BEST FOR EITHER). GOOD LUCK
Yes it seems as though he's moved on. My x fiancé acted like he was moving on. When I finally surrendered all the ways it wasn't working and sought the loving way to repair the relationship... miracles started happening right before my eyes!:D

Yes it seems as though he's moved on. My x fiance acted like he was moving on. When i finally surrendered all the ways it wasn't working and sought the loving way to repair the relationship....miracles started happening right before my eyes!:D

Can you please explain what you wrote above. It sounds interesting.

Anyway, he called me yesterday and left a message on my cellphone saying he needed to talk to me and to please call him back. He never leaves messages saying "he needs to talk to me". The messages will usually be, "want to go for dinner and catch up" or "wanted to see how you were doing" or "merry christmas", etc.

So I actually called him back. He started to say sorry for everything that had happened. He said he made many mistakes with us and that we would have never been over it wasn't for him. I had never heard him say these things before... it was shocking and I began to cry.

I thought that he found out I had started seeing someone from work this past week. So I told him he's only feeling this way because of Kyle. And he said he didn't even know I was dating someone. Then he started to say sorry, and didn't want to ruin things for me and this new guy. He said that all he wanted to say was that he is sorry for the past.

And I asked him if that was it, and he said yeah. I was too scared to press him on... although a part of me felt that he was trying to tell me he still loved me. We talked a bit and caught up, but he would slightly bring us back to memory lane. He would also keep saying sorry for the past, and that he would often think about me.

What does this all mean? I'm happy because this was totally unexpected, but then confused too. I'm not sure what to do. I've heard of people saying that ex's come back and just test you to see if you still love them. I'm not sure. What do I do?

I will be glad to expound on what I discovered and it's working for me. I will get back to you with the details as soon as I can. I have to get to an appointment right now yet wanted you to know I will be glad to share with you. BREATHE! :) T.

What Trishette says sounds promising! Can't wait to hear her news! :)

It sounds as though he is looking at the relationship from a more balanced angle at least and is seeing how certain thinngs must have felt for you - this is a big step! Next time you speak to him, don't mention Kyle at all, and see what he says. Your confusion is understandable but he is obviously confused too - give things time, and protect yourself - make sure you're happy in yourself. It could be that he's simply feeling guilty and wants to fix things in that respect, or it could be that he wants you back, it's too soon to tell. If you two do reunite though, you must move forward in a different and hopefully stronger relationship, and let go of the pst as best you can.
X

Can you please explain what you wrote above. It sounds interesting.

Anyway, he called me yesterday and left a message on my cellphone saying he needed to talk to me and to please call him back. He never leaves messages saying "he needs to talk to me". The messages will usually be, "want to go for dinner and catch up" or "wanted to see how you were doing" or "merry christmas", etc.

So I actually called him back. He started to say sorry for everything that had happened. He said he made many mistakes with us and that we would have never been over it wasn't for him. I had never heard him say these things before... it was shocking and I began to cry.

I thought that he found out I had started seeing someone from work this past week. So I told him he's only feeling this way because of Kyle. And he said he didn't even know I was dating someone. Then he started to say sorry, and didn't want to ruin things for me and this new guy. He said that all he wanted to say was that he is sorry for the past.

And I asked him if that was it, and he said yeah. I was too scared to press him on... although a part of me felt that he was trying to tell me he still loved me. We talked a bit and caught up, but he would slightly bring us back to memory lane. He would also keep saying sorry for the past, and that he would often think about me.

What does this all mean? I'm happy because this was totally unexpected, but then confused too. I'm not sure what to do. I've heard of people saying that ex's come back and just test you to see if you still love them. I'm not sure. What do I do?

ok here goes...first off, you have to be told i am a believer in the Creator of the Universe whom i call God (Jesus). This doesn't prevent me from getting rained on anymore or less than the UNbeleiver. The difference is...i understand because i sought the knowledge of HIS ways. It's always about HIM showing us to ourselves, Sad Soul (and i would like to suggest your name to be changed.) Being sad is like being in a prison. i'm going to do my best to tell you, as condensed as possible how i broke OUT of the obsession...i was "stuck" in a non working behavior relationship with my x. i'm going to list some of this behavior and perhaps you will recognize some of it in yourself. Explaining,reasoning,pressuring,being depressed,i swore i would be "more loving" towards him, i promised i'd "change", i threatened, begged, whined, argued, blamed, tried avoiding him, pleaded, prayed, wished, hoped, expected him to change or do something different, pointed out his shortcomings, had tantrums, accused him of "using me", i was angry, tried to show him how "wrong he was", i put him down, and worst...called all my friends for "advice." All that did was dig the grave deeper everytime i heard myself tell the things 'he' was doing to 'me.' Of course they sided with me because, isn't that a "friends obligation?" Guess what? Until i admitted the way I was pushing this wonderful man away from me (subconscienceously from past triggered wounding)...the relationship was doomed. Hear me...we can't control what other people do and if you try to become what THEY want you to be, you will only wind up resenting them in the long run and the relationship will not last. When J and i first met, we had great times together. It was fun getting to know each other. Then the "real us" starts showing and this is where the trouble begins. Because i didn't have the tools to be any other way, i wasn't accepting him for who he was. i didn't listen enough, i would tell him he was wrong about something and wasn't allowing him to have his own opinion/feelings about a subject. Listen, i did so many things UN aware. i really am trying to condense this...after i LET GO and gave the whole situation to God, He started showing me, first off, to apologize. After i did this and J saw how truly sorry i was, he said let's forgive each other and let all of the past go. Now, this is where the change has to come in...this did NOT mean we were to be INSTANTLY back to being engaged again!! This process takes TIME. When i started to do the OPPOSITE of what i HAD been doing, it brought the good side out in him. i amazed myself, believe me. i stopped calling him, sending emails, writing letters and taping them to his door, stopped with the cards and gifts, ya know... all the things we do to "get the person back?" We needed time to HEAL. i had been so sick and obsessed over the break up for 3 weeks straight. Within this time i started 'applying' the "new and improved" me. When i wrote out my request to the LORD about getting re-engaged, i put it and our picture, in a special envelope and LEAVE it in my Bible. i am now ok NOT knowing the outcome because i KNOW the LORD has the BEST plan for the both of us. You HAVE to surrender and ADMIT the powerless of it all (otherwise you feel you have to control it.)
The other day when we saw each other, he walked over to me, without a word and kissed me so tenderly on my forehead. (he 's also called me several times and the conversations have been short and sweet)Wow! You have to remember, we had had a really hard break up. i said NOTHING about the relationship, NOTHING about the past, NOTHING about if he was seeing someone, NOTHING about hoping for another chance! i was the happy, strong, loving person he met in the beginning. The one he fell in love with enough to ask me to marry him. i was DONE beating myself up. i guess to sum the whole thing up...this relationship is in REPAIR. i DON"T have to always be right. i CAN be happy at any time. Instead of "working on" the relationship (i wasn't working on it when we first met), i just want to be IN it and appreciate it and have it be all the best that it can be. Now that i have been shown the errors of MY ways, i can CHOOSE the 'quality' of how i want a good relationship to go. This is all taking time and willingness to keep working on bettering myself. When i understood the TRUE meaning of LOVE (the Way God wants it)...everything is falling into place. Do i hope J and i will get to share our lives together? Without a single doubt...YES!! However...if it was never to be in the FIRST place...i have learned a vital lesson (so you see the "breaking up" of relationships can be used as a way for us to become better people. God meant it for our GOOD) and will take the 'transformed' me to the man who will see and appreciate my worth....which is "far above that of rubies." i pray this testimony has been of some help. T.;)

What Trishette says sounds promising! Can't wait to hear her news! :)

It sounds as though he is looking at the relationship from a more balanced angle at least and is seeing how certain thinngs must have felt for you - this is a big step! Next time you speak to him, don't mention Kyle at all, and see what he says. Your confusion is understandable but he is obviously confused too - give things time, and protect yourself - make sure you're happy in yourself. It could be that he's simply feeling guilty and wants to fix things in that respect, or it could be that he wants you back, it's too soon to tell. If you two do reunite though, you must move forward in a different and hopefully stronger relationship, and let go of the pst as best you can.
x
For me, it has been the complete realization of not NEEDING my x finance or the relationship. Do i want it? Absolutely! Stop and think about the difference. As a matter of fact...i'm doing much more thinking than i am feeling.;)

I am happy to read what you wrote Trishette - perhaps you can take a look at my post "Trying to Make Sense Of This All" Give me your two cents.

Trishette!!

Thank you so much for taking the time to write that long and helpful post for me. It does help a lot, and I can see how you and I went through a lot of the same things, aka made a lot of the same mistakes. I have realized that this breakup has been a blessing in the sense that it made me realize that I love him. I do believe that God (a higher being) is always there to help and has a master plan, but I also do believe that God has given us free will. My ex has free will, and I have free will.

I guess what you are saying is to stop misusing my free will to only dig myself deeper in the dirt, and instead I should be smart with it and live my life to a healthier and happier degree. And to just trust life.

To train myself into using my free will properly, you are saying to concentrate or to pray to God for help (at least I think that is what you are saying). That sounds perfect and I am trying to do this. It's difficult though, I admit, to be strong at times. I think I'm often bipolar with this - like a rollercoaster... up and down, up and down.

I have been praying very hard. And I am very thankful that he contacted me. I am also very scared though. Today I'm feeling as though he might be, without knowing it, putting me in "check". I had been distancing myself... but suddenly this has pulled me back to him. We are starting to communicate again... but my friends and family warn that I am going back in circles and that he is just lonely in England...

I wish he could just lay the cards out on the table. But then, I know he will not do this, because I sense he is very confused.

I've been feeling very scared and emotionally drained again. Damn it…I'm ashamed that I'm back on this road again…
Him and I just talked online and it was so casual. It was very different than when he said he “needed to talk to me” because it was more intense that night when he kept saying how he had messed up in our relationship, and that he often thinks about me, and he kept saying sorry etc…

We told each other we'll always remain best friends. Now I'm scared because today it was just small talk and joking around.

I think I long for him telling me he loves me. I wonder if he'll ever just come to me and say it. I feel like I really need to hear it from him. I'm tierd of not knowing all the time. I also feel like after all that time I put in to make sure he knows how much I care about him and that I love him, I deserve to hear “I love you”. I just don't understand why it can't happen that way.

What do I do? Especially with his sudden apologies for the past, and trying to talk about “us” and telling me he's realized that if he hadn't messed up, we would still be together.
This isn't the clear “I want you”. I'm so scared to go down this whole road of thinking, “omg he wants me again” but to only discover it was him missing me for the moment… or just pulling me back to him.

What do I do? I don't want to mess up the chance that might be there right now, but I'm also getting depressed again, even though our phone conversation that night lifted me up…

I've been going through this rollercoaster for over a year with him… I thought this was a miracle when it happened, but then my friends are warning me to cut communication for good. I'm scared that he's just being a good friend in his head, while I'm praying for him to be a good lover.

I am emotionally drained as well... I feel your pain that's for sure. I am at a loss for words.

So you would poison your whole future, instead of letting go, and moving on?? Do you have anything, but this person? Your whole life is about what you do with it. If your going to be stuck, then what's the point?? If you need someone so much, can't you understand how unhealthy that is? Wake up and realise he doesn't hold you back, YOU DO!!

Tell him how you honestly feel about him. Then ask him if he feels any of the same feelings you do. If he says yes ask him to give it a second chance if he says no than just drop it and move on. Don't dwell on something that's not going to happen. It's a painful road but only for the first part. Time heals all things so just give it time and if you 2 were meant to be than love will find its way.

So you would poison your whole future, instead of letting go, and moving on??? Do you have anything, but this person?? Your whole life is about what you do with it. If your going to be stuck, then what's the point??? If you need someone so much, can't you understand how unhealthy that is ?? Wake up and realise he doesn't hold you back, YOU DO!!!


A friend suggested to not "coldly" ignore him or to not "coldly" tell him to leave me alone (incase he is trying to get back together)... but to instead "kindly" ignore him. For example, I should listen to what he has to say for a few moments and then confess that I have to run.

Yes Talaniman, I agree that even though for the moment it was amazing to hear what he had to say a few nights ago, this is a bit of poison for me. I admit I'm not strong enough, and the insecurities of us being apart has left me with negative and unsure thoughts about what he's up to or on the subject of "us" in general. Until I work on myself and become stronger, aka get my confidence back, I'm not ready to fully communicate with him.

I'm feeling a bit better now. My last post was definitely me being at the bottom of this rollercoaster.

I am happy to read what you wrote Trishette - perhaps you can take a look at my post "Trying to Make Sense Of This All" Give me your two cents.
i did read your post. My reply is worth so much more then the 2 cents you ask for. i have lived through what i'm telling you. Go back and re read what i wrote to SAD SOUL. It's when we try so hard to hold on to what does not work or try to manipulate and control another human being....we will never learn the lesson the God of the Universe wants us to. It's all about moving forward, making different choices with better options. The definintion of insanity is: doing the same thing, which has never worked, and thinking THIS time it will!" If you don't think you can do it alone...get professional help. STOP listening to family and friends, they most likely don't have the "manual on the logistics of relationships either.:rolleyes:

i did read your post. My reply is worth so much more then the 2 cents you ask for. i have lived through what i'm telling you. Go back and re read what i wrote to SAD SOUL. It's when we try so hard to hold on to what does not work or try to manipulate and control another human being....we will never learn the lesson the God of the Universe wants us to. It's all about moving forward, making different choices with better options. The definintion of insanity is: doing the same thing, which has never worked, and thinking THIS time it will!" If you don't think you can do it alone...get professional help. STOP listening to family and friends, they most likely don't have the "manual on the logistics of relationships either.:rolleyes:

Trish, thanks again for posting. I want to be more positive. I think that's the only way and BEST way to survive in general in this life.

Do you have any suggestions as to how I should communicate with him? Like should I ignore him for now? And when he comes around, I'm not sure how I should interact with him, or whether I am even ready to... I'm really afraid of the whole rollercoaster with him, especially in the middle of school and work.

I read your personal post (aka your Question for people on this site). Was this sudden miracle of your ex coming back something that happened within the past few weeks? I'm asking because the "question" you posted was fairly recent, and seemed as if you were in a state of frenzy. Anyway, I'm excited and happy for you. It's good to see the story go this way for a change.

Until I work on myself and become stronger, aka get my confidence back, I'm not ready to fully communicate with him.
You are cutting contact for you to get healthy, not be nice to him. No Contact is not being rude, but brief, without getting into any deep conversations with him, about anything. Its you saying hi, and getting on about your business. Busy and unavailable, to him. This is for your own good, and not his.

Trish, thanks again for posting. I want to be more positive. I think that's the only way and BEST way to survive in general in this life.

Do you have any suggestions as to how I should communicate with him? Like should I ignore him for now? And when he comes around, I'm not sure how I should interact with him, or whether I am even ready to... I'm really afraid of the whole rollercoaster with him, especially in the middle of school and work.

I read your personal post (aka your Question for people on this site). Was this sudden miracle of your ex coming back something that happened within the past few weeks? I'm asking because the "question" you posted was fairly recent, and seemed as if you were in a state of frenzy. Anyway, I'm excited and happy for you. It's good to see the story go this way for a change.
S S Whoa...i never said my x and i were back together. i was sharing with you the tools i've been using to keep from repeating my old behavior patterns. Yes, i was in a frenzy (putting it mildly) at the time i wrote the post. Each day since then, i've been seeking professional help and seeking God's best for my life (which may or may not be J.) i said i am now OK with NOT knowing. i am taking care of ME and my non working behavior. Basically, you are allowing this man to manipulate and control you. You have not let go due to obsession or all this fear you constantly seem to have. Fear is a strong motivator, i know this first hand. You have to ask yourself...what am i so afraid of? What satisfaction am i getting from this worry and fear? i mean, if this guy were to die tomorrow, wouldn't you still have to carry on with the calling on your own life? For me, i've come to realize having a love relationship is like the icing on the cake yet...cake can still taste good without it. As much as i love my x and miss him, i must go on and take care of ME. It sounds like the both of you have some growing to do and you can't do it successfully (as your break up proves) when you are together as a couple. You still sound so needy, my friend, and fearful. These are chains that bind us. True love is mutual respect and holding each other in high esteem. You are stuck in some form of unrequited love and it's making you sick with worry. STOP IT... only YOU can keep laying it down.Now look... you know I understand what you are going through so I'm not blowing any smoke here. If you do not choose to get off the roller coaster, you are doomed to go up down it again and again until YOU decide to get the heck off! I KNOW the pain and the waiting is tough yet it has to be done. Like I said, I've stopped calling him and when he does call, I speak politely, and we talk in small increments. I do NOT bring up one thing about the past, who he is or isn't seeing, or anything about him and me. I am NOT any longer working on the relationship. i am working on being the best me i can be. Remember I told you, he is now talking to the me I was when we first met only BETTER! J is the one who decided he didn't want the relationship the way it was. I was not the only one messing up either by the way! There were 2 major issues in his life I would not put up with. So, do you see it yet? With every goodbye you can learn. It's when we bring the same old stuff into the next relationship, the same things will happen again and again. I choose not to allow this to happen. My prayers are with you.:)

I haven't been trying hard enough to heal. Or it's probably that I haven't been trying the right way.

It's scarey for me to let go. I'm going to anyway though.

Thanks for all the time everyone put in on helping me with my question. The advice has been very useful.

I am a little older and female so here is my thought. Life is way too short and sometimes the love that we feel when we are younger can be the love of our lives and the most innocent. I would call him out for a friendly lunch. When he gets there, kiss him on the cheek and gradually start talking about your feelings. Obviously, he cares about you and enough to go out of his way to do things for you... that says so much right there. Guys do not go out of there way just for friends!! He still cares, but you guys aren't being honest with each other. Tell him how you feel and that you would love to start dating again. See how he responds and acts. If he says NO and he just wants to be friends, then at least it's out in the open and you tried. Then, just let go of it and move on. If he agress with you, then give him time to let go of his present relationship and have fun with your love. Just remember one thing... life is short and he could be gone tomorrow forever and you would have never let him know how you felt so go for it... good luck!

I am a little older and female so here is my thought. Life is way too short and sometimes the love that we feel when we are younger can be the love of our lives and the most innocent. I would call him out for a friendly lunch. When he gets there, kiss him on the cheek and gradually start talking about your feelings. Obviously, he cares about you and enough to go out of his way to do things for you...that says so much right there. Guys do not go out of there way just for friends!!!! He still cares, but you guys aren't being honest with each other. Tell him how you feel and that you would love to start dating again. See how he responds and acts. If he says NO and he just wants to be friends, then at least it's out in the open and you tried. Then, just let go of it and move on. If he agress with you, then give him time to let go of his present relationship and have fun with your love. Just remember one thing...life is short and he could be gone tomorrow forever and you would have never let him know how you felt so go for it...good luck!

I had taken this approach before. I kissed him on the cheak one night when we were together and he backed away and simply said "thanks". Then he said sorry for not feeling the same way. That was over a year ago that I did this. I won't do it again. Why can't he do it - especially when he knows I will respond.

If he truly wants me, wouldn't he come and tell me? Or I wish he would be the one to kiss my cheak. I admit that I pushed him away pretty badly, but then I went after him to make up for it. He told me he realizes that I am the woman who loves him the "most" on this earth. He has said this time and time again. He knows how I feel. The ball is in his court.

Then again, I'm scared that he might want me, but is too shy to tell me? He was actually pretty shy in our relationship, and many girls have had this complaint about him. I am sure of this though: he loves me profoundly as a friend. And yes Zoey, he does things for me that he doesn't do for his other friends or ex's. He also goes out of his way time and time again for me. This all confuses me. I know this is a bit more than friendship... but why can't it be all the way?

Zoey, I want to do what you are telling me, but I feel that I would need him to make a "solid" move now, and that I deserve it. I don't want to chase him though; I'm too afraid of the emotionally destructive rollercoaster.

I don't know. I'm confused.

Hey haven't read much here but it appears allmost instantly that your putting yourself through suffering needlessley. An ex is an ex, its broke (in most occasions)! In time maybe things can be started again as friends or more. However how can one do that without time to think, learn, grow and let the emotional dust settle? I don't think you can really.

Its best to remove yourself from his court! For your own benefit. Or time and time again you will be knocked back. Have some dignity for yourself and live your own life. You don't need him! You don't need anyone but yourself to live your life. In time your be able to get back that sense of individuality you once had before any relationship. When you get to that point your be a wiser, learned individual. You will know more about relationships, life and more importantly your be happy in yourself.

A partner merely expands your life, they should not make your life!!

They call it the past for a reason, leave it there. If something happens later on, then great, but you may find that the truth is your happiness lies with someone else. Good luck hon! Don't force things to happen, just let them.

As I have told countless others over the years, if its not working out its time to move on. People don't change, and you can't change. People pretend to change but they always fall back to their old behaviors eventually, and its best to realize this before kids or marriage become part of the big picture.

Judge others at face value. They are who they are, if that's not good enough or they feel the same with you then its time to move on. Trust me that there are people out there that fit without one expecting the other to change for whatever reason. That is the kind of person you want as a partner.

People don't change their character any more than a leopard can change its spots... short of a life altering experience... which is usually a near death experience that strikes the reality of mortality home.

As I have told countless others over the years, if its not working out its time to move on. People don't change, and you can't change. People pretend to change but they always fall back to their old behaviors eventually, and its best to realize this before kids or marriage become part of the big picture.

Judge others at face value. They are who they are, if thats not good enough or they feel the same with you then its time to move on. Trust me that there are people out there that fit without one expecting the other to change for whatever reason. That is the kind of person you want as a partner.

People don't change their character any more than a leopard can change its spots.....short of a life altering experience....which is usually a near death experience that strikes the reality of mortality home.

Fact is, people do change - there will always be small characteristics that don't, but change is inevitable in all things in life. This is why people's interests change over time as they get older. You are in charge of your own life, and if change is what you want you can achieve it - but it has to honestly be wanted. As people grow and learn about themselves they change.

As for the leopards spots changing - you should read into this - they do actually, with age.

Leopards and Jaguars Coats Change Their Patterns with Age - Scientists model the changing patterns of leopards' and jaguars' coats - Softpedia (http://news.softpedia.com/news/Leopards-and-Jaguars-Coats-Change-Their-Patterns-with-Age-32290.shtml)

What do you think if you have changed and just want the chance to show that other person that its for real? Should you give up? Or try to really show that person that hey I know I wasn't always right or did the right thing but now I know and have found the way. I think that if you don't try you may regret it forever.

In my opinion change doesn't occur over night - it happens over a long period. But I am a firm believer that if the person has requested a change and isn't around to see it then the change isn't what they really wanted - it was something else. Every situation is different and should be handled different - so what I might do and what you may do are two separate things. Mostly, you have to be comfortable with yourself before you can begin to show others the real you. However; you cannot force someone to see the change - let them see it on their own. Be strong, respect yourself and they will see things. If they don't then once again, change isn't the culprit.

Fact is, people do change - there will always be small characteristics that don't, but change is inevitable in all things in life. This is why people's interests change over time as they get older. You are in charge of your own life, and if change is what you want you can achieve it - but it has to honestly be wanted. As people grow and learn about themselves they change.

As for the leopards spots changing - you should read into this - they do actually, with age.

Leopards and Jaguars Coats Change Their Patterns with Age - Scientists model the changing patterns of leopards' and jaguars' coats - Softpedia (http://news.softpedia.com/news/Leopards-and-Jaguars-Coats-Change-Their-Patterns-with-Age-32290.shtml)

You are missing the point I was making. Arrogant self centered people don't suddenly become sensitive people that listen. They tend to be that way till they die without a life altering event happening.

Women that have a habit of flirting around with everyone and sleeping with who they want when they want, as well as men who are players don't suddenly change into caring faithful types unless they suddenly want to.

The divorce statistics support me on that. Thousands if no millions of women and men for that matter go into a relationship saying I'll make them change... and when they don't you have this sort of thing.

I know a lot of people... many of them I've known my entire life or close to it. And at 46 that's a fair amount of years. While people do change depending on what stage of life they are at, their underlying personality remains very close to the same.

I can count the people I know that have truly changed on one hand.

Leopards don't become tigers in effect.

What about people who don't change their personality exactly but change a behavior or though process that had been handicapping the relationship. My exgf love to be loved, romanced, and all that kind of stuff. I am not so much an emotional person and never have been, but I have tried to be more affectionate with her. After these 2 weeks of being apart, I have realized there is no reason to hold anything in or back if you are happy and with the person you want to be with. I just want to show her that I really realize this now, and that I won't make that mistake again. And this also applies to other things such as jobs or activities that you like but haven't gone for it. I just want to show her I have changed my mentality and want to just go for it everyday I am with her.

You are missing the point I was making. Arrogant self centered people don't suddenly become sensitive people that listen. They tend to be that way till they die without a life altering event happening.

Women that have a habit of flirting around with everyone and sleeping with who they want when they want, as well as men who are players don't suddenly change into caring faithful types unless they suddenly want to.

The divorce statistics support me on that. thousands if no millions of women and men for that matter go into a relationship saying I'll make them change....and when they don't you have this sort of thing.

I know a lot of people.....many of them I've known my entire life or close to it. And at 46 thats a fair amount of years. While people do change depending on what stage of life they are at, their underlying personality remains very close to the same.

I can count the people I know that have truly changed on one hand.

Leopards don't become tigers in effect.

I was not missing the point - I know that many do not change, but you said NO one changes - yet you said yourself that you can count and do know a few people who have. Sometimes losing a loved one is enough of an event to have you realize that change is needed. Change in the sense that even though the relationship may not work out, you are heading in a better direction for the future.

I realized after two plagued relationships that there was something I was NOT doing that came up in both situations - I have realized through discussion with a therapist as well as through my readings that I cannot be pig headed. Accept my qualities and learn to be a balanced individual. Its unfortunate that the ones who never change don't have the chance to experience a life altering moment to help them see the light of day.

I was not missing the point - I know that many do not change, but you said NO one changes - yet you said yourself that you can count and do know a few people who have. Sometimes losing a loved one is enough of an event to have you realize that change is needed. Change in the sense that even though the relationship may not work out, you are heading in a better direction for the future.

I realized after two plagued relationships that there was something I was NOT doing that came up in both situations - I have realized through discussion with a therapist as well as through my readings that I cannot be pig headed. Accept my qualities and learn to be a balanced individual. Its unfortunate that the ones who never change don't have the chance to experience a life altering moment to help them see the light of day.

Well the couple I know have gone from being loudmouth trouble makers and bullies for the most part. One is now a Priest. And the other couple I honestly don't remember what they do now but it's a polar opposite change in how they once were.

Now I do not see these people often so they might have elements of their old bully past that I don't see.

But everyone else I have known for nearly 40 years Have ganged little in their basic character. For the most part the person you are as a teen is the person you are as an adult and as a senior citizen. I'm not talking assorted habits... I'm talking personality.

People pick up and drop habits all the time. Without a major event in their life (medical, or mental) the personality doesn't change. Any parent will tell you that about their kids. You have traits you carry to the grave you had as a kid.

what about people who dont change their personality exactly but change a behavior or though process that had been handicapping the relationship. my exgf love to be loved, romanced, and all that kind of stuff. I am not so much an emotional person and never have been, but i have tried to be more affectionate with her. After these 2 weeks of being apart, i have realized there is no reason to hold anything in or back if you are happy and with the person you want to be with. I just want to show her that i really realize this now, and that i wont make that mistake again. and this also applies to other things such as jobs or activities that you like but havent gone for it. I just want to show her i have changed my mentality and want to just go for it everyday i am with her.People do change habit... or certain behaviors, sometimes for the better sometimes for the worse.

THe mistake may people make is "Oh I know he or she is like that, but trust me they will change, and many honestly believe they can change them into the people they want them to be. Then 5 or 10 years down the road when nothing has changed and they have lost 10 years or so of their life, maybe now have kids they realize nothing has changed, and they hate their lives, many end up divorcing, all over the mistaken belief that they change change someone else.

Fact is, take an honest look at the partner you are interested in. An objective one. Look at their bad traits and make sure you can be happy with them knowing they are not clay, they will not become who you want them to be any more than you will become what they want you to be.

Those of use who did not marry extremely young have come to learn there is a good match out there personality wise if you take you time and don't just settle for the first person you meet, which I might add is a trap that's easy to fall into..

Thanks guys. You've really helped me through some of my bad days.

No updates, except that I'm feeling pretty good about life.

This is a little bittersweet but I realize that my life would be great with him in it, but it will also be just as great without him too.

I'm not going to let one experience drag me down.

Thanks guys. You've really helped me through some of my bad days.

No updates, except that I'm feeling pretty good about life.

This is a little bittersweet but I realize that my life would be great with him in it, but it will also be just as great without him too.

I'm not going to let one experience drag me down.

Good for you. You know that we are here for you. We all share our deepest thoughts and feelings on this site and we are glad when it helps others. It helps me every day I sign on.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/11/11_6_205.gif

He told me he's coming in December again for Christmas and New Years. He said he wants to meet up and misses me.

Should I meet up with him? I'm having a lot of trouble deciding if I should, and I guess I have a lot of time to decide this before he comes. I admit it's been on my mind a little, but I'm doing very well lately in terms of getting on with my life! :)

He's been a great friend and I don't want to lose this.
But I'm scared of setting myself back in the healing process. I didn't see him the past times he came to visit, but now I'm wondering if I should?

if you see him at X-mas and think you are going to ever marry him you are setting yourself up for depression...

move on or get left behind in life...

if you see him at X-mas and think you are gonna ever marry him you are setting yourself up for depression...

move on or get left behind in life....


Ash123,

Are you saying that I should go and see if I still have feelings for him, and that that will show whether I'm still ready or not ready to have contact with my ex?

Or, are you saying that if I have any feelings of still wanting to be with him prior to meeting up, that I should not go and see him?

My father advised me to not push him away entirely after my ex said he realizes that everything was his fault and that he is sorry... My dad explained that after a year and half of it being over, my ex isn't going to, from England, call and right out say "let's get back together", but that it takes time?

But then some of my friends say to stay very guarded.

Gosh, dad's often know best..but....

... from where I sit your relationship is 100% done. So, just be prepared for that mentally or stay away... what I meant was that people that don't move on... get left behind.

Hoping for the best for you.

The real question is, are you healthy enough, to deal realistically and rationally with a reunion? If not don't do it. Also know that it can go either way and be prepared. Only you know what you can, and can't, deal with.

My heart wants to see him when he comes.

That's a bad sign. I'm supposed to be over this?

I never want to lose him as a friend though. I don't want to lose that. And so far he keeps working on our friendship. He messaged me today. I miss him, but pushed him away a little because I want to get over him. In this process of disconnecting with him, I fear our friendship will suffer a bit too (especially with the distance between countries).

But I've been getting on with my life, and I'm still enjoying. I miss him, but at the same time I am happy with the rest of my life.

I just got promoted, almost done school, have great family and friends, and am thinking of going to Cuba with some friends this Christmas.

Sometimes people Really can be friends... It's not the worst thing in the world.
One day you can have another love and perhaps an old friend.

Sad soul, all due respect, you can lie to me, but not to yourself!!

Sad soul, all due respect, you can lie to me, but not to yourself!!!

In what sense? About me being ready to see him? Because I'm admitting I'm confused about whether I should. Please rip me apart if you have any theories; I appreciate your advice. I appreciate everyone's advice.

Well, It's over.

And what Tal said is right. If you are "confused" about your feelings you are lying to yourself. You are telling yourself that there is another chapter.

Your going have to stop filling yourself with this false hope. In all honesty... I would separate myself from him for now and work on YOU. Once you control all of that "confusion" that you have is when you will be ready to be friends. That would be only the halfway point... regain YOU again. Then work on finding that meaningful relationship... only then, when your in a healthy relationship again is when you MAY be able to be friends... your emotions are a mixed bag right now... time will help...

Well, It's over.

And what Tal said is right. If you are "confused" about your feelings you are lying to yourself. You are telling yourself that there is another chapter.


No Ash, I'm not confused about whether I love him or not. I do love him. But I'm not depressed about the breakup like I use to be. Like, I actually don't cry at all anymore because I know I'll be fine with him, but that I would be fine without him too.

But I am confused about whether I should see him or not "yet". I wonder if all my emotions will rush back if we meet up in person. And then I'm looking at all the pros and cons of not meeting up, etc.

These were the things I was confused about lately... mostly at least.

Your going have to stop filling yourself with this false hope. In all honesty......I would separate myself from him for now and work on YOU. Once you control all of that "confusion" that you have is when you will be ready to be friends. That would be only the halfway point.......regain YOU again. Then work on finding that meaningful relationship......only then, when your in a healthy relationship again is when you MAY be able to be friends........your emotions are a mixed bag right now.........time will help...

I guess I won't think about it until the time comes closer. He just started mentioning it a lot again lately to get together when he comes, and to visist him. He's even told me he knows what he's getting me for Christmas. I've said no so many times with the months of no contact.

And yeah, Confusedandlost, I've been working on myself. Life has been getting better and better, and I've been getting healthier and healthier.

I've been a little confused about meeting up with him when he visits because I wonder if it would set me back? And I'm confused about whether I'm blocking us getting close again (because we have been drifting apart in some senses). So far half of the people I know say not to, and then the other half say to meet up with him.

Anyway, thanks so much Confusedandlost.

Well... Meet him.

Take away the fantasy and move on.
You may need to face reality one last time.
You are fixated, so nothing like a little reality to help budge you.

Sometimes, you never know what you've got, until its gone right? This is very true and unbelievably realistic. But, unlike life, in love there are second chances, and in many cases, many more chances beyond that. Above anything, you must take one thing from this. You must realize that when you told him that you weren't ready for a relationship now, you were taking your priorities in to consideration. This is a strength that many people do not possess. This is an ability which many do not possess. We find ourselves more often, falling in to a relationship head over heals, falling in love, and devoting every ounce of ourselves to this person. We forget about friends, we forget about things that we do for fun, we forget about the necessary alone time that we need in order to avoid overcrowding the other person... and more than likely, these things all lead to a heartbroken ending. You were being honest with this person. The other person should have seen that as a very, very honorable thing and should have been grateful for that.

You know how people always say, "....the right place at the right time."? You must realize that all things in life, love included, are based on timing. If you have ever seen the movie "sliding doors", you will understand what I mean better. Every millisecond can portray a different outcome in our lives. It is as though we live inside the children's books which portray alternate endings, depending on the pages we choose to turn to... It's the difference between making our flight and missing it... if you had only made that green light 2 seconds earlier instead of catching the red light. We get angry at not catching the red light and making the flight, but what we fail to realize is that there are many events which actually lead to you catching the red light, and you made all these decisions for a particular reason. If you had only known that if you made certain decisions, you were going to catch the red light and miss the flight, you would have made different choices... but WE WILL NEVER know what color the light will be when we get there. If you hadn't stopped for the cup of coffee at McDonald's you would have made it... if you had just stuck with the brown dress instead of the blue dress, you would have made it... if you hadn't blown your hair dry, you would have made it more quick to getting the dress on, which would have led to getting the coffee earlier, and would have led to you catching the green light. But, even though you missed the flight, you still went on the next one, and life went on and you began to follow a different course... it's like you decided to turn to page 78 instead of page 96... so now you will follow the path that lies ahead.

The problem you are having though, by keeping in contact with him, is that even though you turned to page 78, you are now trying to figure out a way to get to page 96. Instead, you need to continue with the path you are on, and go on your way. You made that decision for a reason! At that TIME (remember everything is based on time), you weren't ready for a relationship. You can't hold that against yourself, because you were honest and in reality, you avoided what could have been a catastrophic relationship, since you weren't ready to give it your all. What you must realize though, is that, having made that decision, you will never get to page 96. That is not to say that you may never be with him again, but rather, it will be a matter or whether both of your paths lead to a common page, during a later chapter in the book of life.

I know that it kills you inside to go No Contact and not talk to him, considering the sweet things that he does, but you have to move on to the next page. He has another woman in his life, and therefore the sweet things that he does for you, are meant in a friendly manner and always will be, until he is no longer with her. Therefore, he can't fault you for choosing not to communicate with him. It is normal for you to have feelings for him, after all, you have always been on good terms with each other. What you need to do though for now though, is use those feelings you have for him, as a resource to help you pursue things you desire. Do your best not to think about him, keeping busy, and then gradually you may find it that you can communicate with him as a friend, without your feelings getting in the way. You must not be worried about him coming to find you if you discontinue contact with him... because he will never know when you are ready to communicate on a level in which you can put your feelings aside. Only YOU will know when you are ready. You must be able to keep those feelings for him deep in your heart, along with the possibility that you may someday get together. When you are able to keep them out of your mind and in your heart only, you will then be ready to communicate with him as friends... and on the off chance that he is single and wants more, then you can dig deep in your heart and let those feelings out. I have learned that the ability to control your inner emotions in this manner is what will prevent you from drowning yourself in over-thinking.

Just keep turning the pages of the path you are on, as he is continuing to turn his, and work on controlling your inner emotions, and who knows, maybe someday you will be able to send him a friendly pizza, or there is always the off-chance that you can eat a pizza together. You are strong as you represented by choosing not to get in to a relationship in the beginning... so search for that strength again, and focus your thoughts on yourself and your success for now, and keep busy, and you will begin to see things in a different light. Good luck!

SS, Relationships based on "feelings" are so often doomed. You still sound like you NEED this ex of yours. Your feelings are what got you into this dilemma in the first place. I, if anyone knows how much you WANT him and WISH he were back in your life. Until you come to the absolute realization that you do NOT need him, you will continue to drive yourself crazy. You have no control over what he does or doesn't do. If your going to insist on needing him so desperately as you sound, you will continue to suffer. My ex is back in my life because I let go and surrendered the whole situation to the LORD GOD. I continue to sort out the reasons for the driving him away and my trust issues. He too was seeing someone else. Did this hurt? You better believe it... yet there was nothing I could do about it. I turned the whole thing over and perservered in the hope (knowing) we would get another chance. When you do things God's way , He has the perfect plan. Give your heart a rest.

I had posted about this a long time ago.

Me and my ex were best friends. We broke up quite some time ago and I've dated others since (so has he). He's moved away too. When he comes to town to visit, I don't see him, knowing that I need to fully get over our relationship prior to doing so.

Although there have been major improvements in my life and I'm not nearly as depressed about the split between us as I once was, I think I've relapsed a bit lately.

I don't tell him how I really feel anymore (for over a year now?). Once upon a time I tried everything to get him back, but despite all the love he felt for me as a friend, he eventually didn't feel the same any more. The reason why we broke up was because he had had enough. He went after me for a long while, but in those days, I wasn't ready for what he wanted. Now it's too late.

Every month or so, I get a call or message from him. He calls me and tells me he wanted to check up on me and that he's thinking about me (platonically, but I always sense that it's with a hint of more). It's become frequent again since I posted about this around seven months ago. In case you're curious, despite our profound love in terms of friendship, he's never once tried to cross the line physically since we've broken up. He's tried to get me to visit him, and has even sent me a ticket. Every time I politely turn this down for what's now been an assortment of reasons. This is because I fear that I'll arrive at his house and want to be in his arms forever. It's also because, despite me sensing that he will always feel a little more than friendship for me, I have to go with the facts. The fact is: we're still broken up, and he's never blatantly told me the he loves me more than friends again or that he wants to get back together. I think focusing on the "clearest" facts (even though I sense the ex still loves me more than your average friend) is what's best for survival.

Even though our buddies say he always asks about how I'm doing, and despite the fact that my ex makes sure that I know he loves me and thanks God that we're friends, I've maintained staying away because I know I might want more. By the way, I want you to know he is an amazing spirit. My parents, siblings, friends and everyone, absolutely love him. I just have to make that clear in case anyone thinks I'm dealing with a dog here (as some ex boyfriends/girlfriends that stick around can be).

He's coming to visit again soon. He's excited about seeing me after all this time. I'm not sure how to tell him that I don't think we should see each other. I don't want him to know that a part of me still loves him more than I should (I think I learned on this forum that it's best to avoid telling the ex that). I also don't want to chase him, nor do I want to cast any such aura.

I feel anxious even asking about this: but how do I stop him from calling or messaging me (to cut him totally out of my life or if I even should go that far)? The reason why I get anxious seeking advice on this, is because it feels like asking people, “what's the best way to part with my leg or arm?”

This is hard on my soul, but I know his calls/messages give me hope and prevent me from moving on. I can't bring myself to tell him the reasons I think he should stop. I don't know how to approach this, because it's like telling family to go away. I don't want to be rude or cruel. I almost want him to know that it's due to love, without even telling him that.?

I feel like I'm getting back to square one again in the healing process, or at least these past few days I've been feeling this way.

There is such a thing as being "too nice".

You want to get better, meaning get over him, meaning you two will never be together again, right? OK, if that is ACTUALLy true, then you do what you have to do to make it happen. Even if what you have to do falls into the category of uncomfortable or "not nice"... you do it.

Not doing it is dishonest, it's mean even. Letting him think there is no problem contacting you when there is is a lie. Letting him think there is some possible future for the two of you when there isn't is a lie. It's destructive to both of you to NOT do the things necessary to keep you two apart.

So, whatever has to happen to make the break permanent and complete... DO THAT! It may require some harsh words or steps on your part, but after that, it's done.

Do it, do it today, face the pain and discomfort and BE THE BAD GUY if you must to get it done, but get it done.

OK. Make sure of what you want.

Let me tell you what happened to me... I was engaged to a wonderful, great person. I loved her a lot. Then out of the blue here comes my "love of my life" from 10 years ago. She begged me to give her a shot. Saying things like "ive loved you forever", "you need to be with me". Of course because you always think "what if"? I ended the engagement and tried things with her. THAT WAS A STUPID IDEA. Because the "love of my life" turned out not to be and the real "love" that I let go moved on. I destroyed my life because of a "what if"? Don't do the same. Find out what he wants and act on what you want. Life is to short. Avoid my situation. Act on what you want.

If it doesn't work. At least you'll never have an "what if"?

I had posted about this a long time ago.

Me and my ex were best friends. We broke up quite some time ago and I've dated others since (so has he). He's moved away too. When he comes to town to visit, I don't see him, knowing that I need to fully get over our relationship prior to doing so.

Although there have been major improvements in my life and I'm not nearly as depressed about the split between us as I once was, I think I've relapsed a bit lately.

I don't tell him how I really feel anymore (for over a year now?). Once upon a time I tried everything to get him back, but despite all the love he felt for me as a friend, he eventually didn't feel the same any more. The reason why we broke up was because he had had enough. He went after me for a long while, but in those days, I wasn't ready for what he wanted. Now it's too late.

Every month or so, I get a call or message from him. He calls me and tells me he wanted to check up on me and that he's thinking about me (platonically, but I always sense that it's with a hint of more). It's become frequent again since I posted about this around seven months ago. In case you're curious, despite our profound love in terms of friendship, he's never once tried to cross the line physically since we've broken up. He's tried to get me to visit him, and has even sent me a ticket. Every time I politely turn this down for what's now been an assortment of reasons. This is because I fear that I'll arrive at his house and want to be in his arms forever. It's also because, despite me sensing that he will always feel a little more than friendship for me, I have to go with the facts. The fact is: we're still broken up, and he's never blatantly told me the he loves me more than friends again or that he wants to get back together. I think focusing on the "clearest" facts (even though I sense the ex still loves me more than your average friend) is what's best for survival.

Even though our buddies say he always asks about how I'm doing, and despite the fact that my ex makes sure that I know he loves me and thanks God that we're friends, I've maintained staying away because I know I might want more. By the way, I want you to know he is an amazing spirit. My parents, siblings, friends and everyone, absolutely love him. I just have to make that clear in case anyone thinks I'm dealing with a dog here (as some ex boyfriends/girlfriends that stick around can be).

He's coming to visit again soon. He's excited about seeing me after all this time. I'm not sure how to tell him that I don't think we should see each other. I don't want him to know that a part of me still loves him more than I should (I think I learned on this forum that it's best to avoid telling the ex that). I also don't want to chase him, nor do I want to cast any such aura.

I feel anxious even asking about this: but how do I stop him from calling or messaging me (to cut him totally out of my life or if I even should go that far)? The reason why I get anxious seeking advice on this, is because it feels like asking people, “what's the best way to part with my leg or arm?”

This is hard on my soul, but I know his calls/messages give me hope and prevent me from moving on. I can't bring myself to tell him the reasons why I think he should stop. I don't know how to approach this, because it's like telling family to go away. I don't want to be rude or cruel. I almost want him to know that it's due to love, without even telling him that. ?!

I feel like I'm getting back to square one again in the healing process, or at least these past few days I've been feeling this way.
OK.. you need to tell him how you feel for him, then if he says.. I'm sorry I don't feel that way abot you. Then say OK.. then I can't be in contact with you, it is hurting me too much to see you and not be able to be with you. Then if he realises that he is going to loose your friendship.. he might tell you how he really feels.. I think he does think about you as more than a friend. But I think he wants to stick by his guns and say its to late...

He knows he cares about you.. you just need to tell him.. and if he doesn't say it.. then he will realise he needs to back away and let you go on with your life.. as much as it will hurt.. you need closur

Why can't you be able to tell him what you think? Well, ask him what is his target of calling or messaging you. If he still says he cares about you as a friend then tell him to stop because it hurts you. It is that simple. Don't make things complex. Simply ask if you don't know, just ask directly!

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/want-bring-us-back-together-but-have-no-idea-how-can-someone-tell-me-how-126837.html

Hello again SS, this first post was from last September, and maybe you've made progress since then, but continuing to stay in touch, is doing more harm than good. He may be a really nice guy, but unintentionally his very niceness is hurting you. You needed more time then, and maybe you need a lot more NO CONTACT with him. Having said that, The other course of action, is to face up to him, tell him the truth about your feelings, and straight suggest he leave you alone to heal. He sees you as a friend, as with all his exes. But somewhere along the line you will have to learn how to cope with your feelings, and be able to do what's the best for you, that's why I hope you make this a face to face thing. May hurt, but may also teach you to be proactive in your own healing. I think after all this time, your strong enough to deal with it. Scary, huh?

Thanks to everyone who posted their advice. I feel better not only after posting the question, but after gaining more insight through all the responses.

I love how the two first posts tell me to make sure this is actually what I want to do (if I truly want to cut all communication with the man). I'm guessing this is probably because my post reeks of me wanting to hold on.

In my heart I want to keep him, but that's not possible when I want more than I should. Everyone's right: JBeaucaire, Lithean, Milgie, Imnotok, and Talaniman, I have to be more proactive about this. And Tal, yes, it'll be very scary to do this face-to-face. I was hoping to do it all online.

I feel fine today. Funny how the mood goes up and down. But at least the rollercoaster isn't nearly as chaotic as it once was.