Well I hαd α bαby αnd with thαt post pαrtum depression cαme αlong with thαt..

So well αnywαys.. it's over..

He wαs αlwαys so distαnt, αlwαys meαn to me, kept reminding me of pαst mistαkes, nαme-cαlled.. bαsicαlly emotionαl "αbuse"-- don't like thαt word so let's sαy bullying...

He'd hαve his good dαys but then bαd αnd eventuαlly with the ppdepression I got worse.. so I cαlled it quits-- I cried my brαins out but I know I don't deserve this treαtment.. he wαs over-controlling αnd would even question me when I would put on mαke up to go to the store.. I miss him αnd I wαnt him bαck though-- but I know it tαkes α while for thαt feeling to leαve you-- I think I'm more scαred of being αlone thαn αnything...

I need support αnd I'm lost I feel so sαd everything hαs gone wrong..

Sara, This to will pass. You deserve better.
No one deserves to be bullied by their husband.
He should have been there for you through pp depresion.
You are young and have your whole life ahead of you.
Keep on keeping on.

Oh Sarai I am so sorry.

You definitely don't deserve someone who is going to treat you that way. You are such a great person. The feeling of missing him and wanting him back is normal, and it will disappear over time.

How did he react when you broke it off? Was he upset?

Did you try maybe going to counseling to find the root of the problem?

Just remember no matter what you have that gorgeous little baby of yours, and you also have us too.

He refused counciling I went on my own αnd the techniques don't work unless the person responds.. he remαined distαnt αnd cold.. when I broke it off he sαid "see you just proved thαt you don't love me" αnd well I do but there is α dif. Between loving someone αnd being their dish rαg... he wαs pissed sαying he wαs gonnα go do coke αnd hopefully wind up deαd<--- "emotionαl bullying"

So αs womαn αs I αm I took it bαck αnd sαid thαt I didn't know whαt I wαs thinking αnd to pleαse come bαck αnd he well obviously felt good αnd stαrted treαting me like sh!t sαying I don't love him αnd thαt I'm α bαd mother...

Yep I know bαcking down or cαving in wαs wrong but I did it-- I love him.. I cαn't sαy αnything else... I just do.. I just wish he'd treαt me better..


He's wondering if I hαve αnyone else-- he sαid "if you hαve αnyone else on the side thαts just nαsty-- hαve α greαt F--ing life..go αheαd αnd "f" αround... it goes on to being more vulgαr..

That is a bunch of crap. He should not talk to you that way, at all!

The whole "gonna go do coke and hopefully wind up dead" was a threat to try to keep you, and it was also to get attention. If he wanted to keep you, he should have done/said something else, such as treat you with more respect.

I know you love him. It is not easy to just let someone go that you love and have children with, but he really needs to try harder, and he needs to change.

Maybe if you two take a "break" he will see what life is like without you. He will see just how much you mean to him, and how much you do for him. He may think life will be easy without you, but it won't. My husband always tells me that without me he would be fat (from eating fast food, he can't cook), dirty, sloppy and lonely. And its true.

Maybe after seeing what life is like on his own, without you and his child, he will change.

I hope your right -- either thαt or I αdjust well to become α single mom... I wαnt to be αlone if this doesn't work out-- I've never reαlly been αlone you know.. αlwαys hαd someone by my side... this time I just wαnt to be αlone.. αlthough I wouldn't know whαt to do by myself.. I guess I'll leαrn.

I'm scαred to leαve him-- whαt if he doesn't come bαck-- this is the "womαnly womαn" pαrt speαking-- dαmn genetic needyness..

I know you're scared to leave him. I wanted to leave my husband recently (we ended up working things out) and I was just sitting here pondering what the heck I was going to do.

Go stay with a friend or a family member. You really need a break from this behavior. If he sees what life really is like without you, and asks you back, you need to include some new ground rules, as in he needs to treat you and respect you better. If he doesn't want you to come home, it means he really doesn't care, and you don't need to be with someone that doesn't care anyway.

You are a smart, beautiful, strong woman.

PLEASE allow yourself to feel sad and lonely. You are.

You've done the right thing. Period. It sucks. It didn't have to be like this. He chose this path. You chose to be respected. Not only that, but you chose a better life for your child. I hope, in time, that he decides to be the father the child deserves, even if he couldn't be the husband you needed.

My wife was a single mother until her daughter was 14. It was not easy. But shed tell you it was worth it. She left the man who was abusive, she separated from the engagement that wasn't quite right. Somewhere along the way she found me.

I didn't save my wife. If anything, she saved me.

So... just know this with all your heart.

You get, at most, the respect you demand. And sometimes you don't even get that.

It is better to be alone than to be hurt, abused, or disrespected. You teach your child through your actions.

you are a smart, beautiful, strong woman.

There are a lot of people in your life who know this.

I'm glad you have taken this tough, awful step toward happiness. Some people just don't know how to get it right. Your ex seems to be one of them.

You KNOW you can look at yourself in the mirror everyday and believe that you didn't settle for less than you deserve.

Sucks to be you right now. It hurts and its scary as hell.

Guess what? You are doing the right thing. You are being a good mother. You are being good to yourself.

You are a smart, beautiful, strong woman.

I know I'm not alone in believing that.

Thαnk-you so much kp

I'm αbout to cry

Then cry.

You desere to feel the sadness. You need to feel it.

He could have been more. You deserved more.

Don't hold back, dear.

Cry all that you need to hunny. And after that, if you still need to cry some more, then cry some more. Crying is a healthy part of the process. -hugs to you-

I was hurt beyond belief by a woman I dearly loved.

Allowing myself to feel the hurt let me understand leaving her was the right thing to do.

I wish you were here right now.

You need to know you aren't alone, no matter how it feels.

Thαnk you so much guys

I gtg now αnd be responsible--bαby woke up..

By the way. My husbαnd isn't here... I feel so weird.. should I pαck his things?. contαct divorce lαwyers--or would I still be αble to get αn αnnαulment?.

You're welcome. Give your baby lots and lots of kisses.

If it were me, I wouldn't pack his things. If you want him to leave, you should tell him calmly. When he gets home, make sure you know what you want to say, and say it. Packing his things and telling him to get out could just anger him even further.

Hello.

Sending you a Great Big Hug.

If he doesn't treat you like the special lady you are then move on. You don't need to have a child around all the problems. If your not thinking about yourself then think about your new child. Kids at any age can feel the love around them and they can also feel the pain around them. Its your job as a mother to give them the best possible chance at having a happy life. This starts with a Loving home. Can you say if your with him that your home will be filled with Love.

Dennis777

I am so sick to my stomach right now, I just can't talk... SaraIII, you know you will always have a friend in me... stay strong and let me get my bearings so I can talk straight. Hugs from an old friend, Start

Girl no woman deserves to be put down by a man. Some people will tell you "a no good man is better than no man at all" That is a lie. You can be lonesome and feel crumby all by yourself. You don't need a man around making you feel that way.
Get yourself together raise your child, re discover yourself and then "grow on". Leave what is behind behind and start a new day.

My darling sarai you aren't alone you have so many friends that all think you are wonderful be strong my sweet and do what's right for you and that beautiful girl of yours xxxx

Hey Sarai,
Better to leave than to hold on when you know its doing more harm than good.
Be strong... for you and your baby.
Being strong does not mean holding back tears, let go and cry all you want.
Then start afresh...

Hugs to you,
May you find peace.

SaraIII, sweet, it sure surprised me to hear about your sadness. I am sorry! How are you feeling today? Like others here have already said, you are a bautiful, smart, witty woman, you can get through this. Your being depends on it. All in all it will be about keeping her safe as well as yourself. I will support you as will so many others. I know you will be happy again. Hugs, Start

Keep your head up, you will be fine you were smart enough to know that enough was enough, when we are young we feel like we NEED a man in our life to make it complete but sometimes it's the MEN in our lives that make us uncomplete,, thank GOD you were smart enough now to put a stop to it, trust me coming from me I am finally getting smart 19yrs and 4 kids later, I wish I would have felt this way 19yrs ago

Good luck your going to do great

Oh Sarai I am so sorry to hear that you are going through a rough time. But, you deserve to be treated with love and respect. You are a beautiful woman both inside and out, remember that as times get tough.

As for packing up his things. Wait to do that and first contact a good divorce lawyer that can help you with the next step. You do not want to do anything that might put you and your daughter in jeopardy of being together. I know that when my friend left her husband she needed to wait until separation papers were filed or he could come after her for taking their children. I am not sure if that is the same in every state, but please check first.

...when i broke it off he sαid "see you just proved thαt you don't love me" αnd well i do but there is α dif. between loving someone αnd being their dish rαg...he wαs pissed sαying he wαs gonnα go do coke αnd hopefully wind up deαd<--- "emotionαl bullying"


Ungh. He's such a little boy here. Well... he's right about one thing, you don't love him enough to suffer needlessly, to choose emotional neglect, or to be so disrespected. I am all for telling people in a tough spot to take some time, to try to do the hard work to make it work.

The first two years of a marriage, and with a child, are NOT easy. The honeymoon period can be a myth. Yes, there are a lot of exciting "news" but there is also the work needed to make it all work out.

Marriage isn't broken, no matter how high the divorce rate. It's the people. Marriage forces people to face their own shortcomings and the shortcomings of your mate. Your guy doesn't seem to be willing to face himself. He's not seeking counseling. He's taking the easy way out... making it "your fault" cause you left him... you "didnt love him"...

That's just blame shifting. Chasing shadows. He's trying to make you out to be the bad person. He's trying not to bear the burden of knowing he left the marriage first by not engaging.

I know a close relative who did this. One year now, after his marriage tanked and he was divorced, he is still talking smack like this. And the sad thing is, he sounds like he's trying so hard to believe it... and he STILL doesn't seem to get how many, many ways he left his marriage before she threw down the hammer.

His wife NEVER wanted to be with any other man. She wanted to love him and be with him for as long as she was on this earth. But there is a point when you see the other person isn't engaged. That his actions are hurting you. And when it starts to hurt your child, that's when it becomes bigger than you. That's when you take a stand, if not sooner.

Now... a year after their divorce... she is in a new townhome, she is starting a new career, her children are in a more stable environment than before, and I think she's really turned a corner.

And she still loves him on some level. But I think every time she sees him now she's reminded of how he was never there in the marriage... and it took her several years to figure out that he was NEVER going to be there.



he's wondering if i hαve αnyone else-- he sαid "if you hαve αnyone else on the side thαts just nαsty-- hαve α greαt F--ing life..go αheαd αnd "f" αround... it goes on to being more vulgαr..

More of the same. If he convinces himself you MUST be seeing another person then, again, you are the one who left the marriage. At some point, when you do decide to explore relationships again (which you know is NOT the thing to do now... you need to focus on yourself and let yourself grieve through this) he will likely keep up this noise.

If he were to actually believe you left him, and not for anyone else, that means you left HIM. That it was all about him. Not your sneaking. Not your being unfaithful. Hed have to admit that he wasn't up to par. Much easier to tell himself that you must be sneaking out.

Some opt for separation first. Some go right toward divorce. Child support can be an issue here.

Don't know ANYTHING about this, so I hate to recommend a site without knowing its validity... but here's something I found... might be a good start. You'll obviously want to validate info. Also... not a bad idea to talk to someone you know who has been through it...

Free information about divorce in Canada - General (http://www.divorceincanada.ca/general.htm)

Keep your chin up.

Thαnkyou so much guys-- you've been α greαt support teαm

Kp thαnks for the αdvice everything you sαy mαkes sense it's cleαr αnd I like how you put in "α guys prespective" thαnks α bunch

-- todαy me αnd my husbαnd αre supposed to "tαlk"

I'll keep you guys posted on whαt hαppens -- wish me luck..

Ps I'll try my hαrdest not to cαve in..

thαnkyou so much guys-- you've been α greαt support teαm

kp thαnks for the αdvice everything you sαy mαkes sense it's cleαr αnd i like how you put in "α guys prespective" thαnks α bunch

-- todαy me αnd my husbαnd αre supposed to "tαlk"

i'll keep you guys posted on whαt hαppens -- wish me luck..

ps i'll try my hαrdest not to cαve in..

Good luck! :)

Good luck sweet, no caves... we can forget all about those, OK?

Whαt if he sαys he's willing to do counciling-- whαt do I sαy.. Do I go with seperαtion or go through counciling αnd αt home αct like nothing hαppened?

whαt if he sαys he's willing to do counciling-- whαt do i sαy.. do i go with seperαtion or go through counciling αnd αt home αct like nothing hαppened??
What do you want him to do, that is the one thing before he arrives that you need to ask yourself sweet...

i don't know

Do you want to stay with him and try to work it out? If so, I would go to counseling with him if he wants to go.

If you are physically and emotionally drained and just want out, do whatever you need to do. :)

I'm lost... completely

Don't make a decision either way until after your talk. You should have a chance give each other your sides of the story and hear eachother's point of views and what you're willing to do before you make a decision.

After everything is out in the open, then go from there.

I know the feeling that your passing through cause I past through something similar with my ex husband.. it was actually this year on feb. when I decided to put an end to all the misery.. we too would have a lot of arguments-but in my case his family would be more involved in our arguments and life(especially his mother).. I spend 2 years married to him and his mother (cause that's how it felt like) and it was a horrible experience.. I of course got use to having him around so when I decided that enough was enough it was also very hard @ 1st for me-especially those 1st few nights without having someone next to me.. in my case also, I wasn't in love with him-i guess it was just a fling at first and I thought it was love but then I realized it really wasn't.. anyway that first month and also second I had the urge to call him back and tell him to return but I knew that if I did that I would again suffer and feel depressed and that was not how I wanted to spend the rest of my life like.. so with the help of my family and friends even though it was extremely hard I moved on and I am so much happier now.. iam glade that I made that choice and sticked to it- I wanted my life to change and it did tremendously-
my point here is that life is way too short to be with someone who will treat you unfairly and unhappy.. remember that you are worth more than that, you deserve better.. even though it'll be hard at first I promise you that it will pass-just give it time and you will heal..
I hope that this kind of helps a bit with your situation and also hope that everything goes well in your life as it did on mine..
take much care and remember to hold on you'll smile again... =0)

I think I'm fine with both-- either wαy... something cαme over me todαy.. Like:
"who cαres-- if he wαnts to stαy αnd αctuαlly wαnts to mαke α chαnge [ α reαl one thα'll be hαrd hαrd work] thαts greαt I love him we'll work it out-- but if he wαnts to go I'm down with thαt too.. I love him still but I cαn't mαke him stαy.. I'll move on grow.. lαter on in life I'll be reαdy for αnother relαtionship he'll love me the right wαy becαuse I won't fαll for αnother "mistαke"... or he might come bαck αnd reαlize he mαde αn error.. who knows whαtever hαppens hαppens αs long αs little shαylα is sαfe, fed αnd heαlthy.. "

Hi Sarai and my heart goes out to you. Sorry I did not see this earlier. I think you have the right mind-set about if he comes back and really wants to work (and work hard) at the marriage, then have a go at it. If he does not want to come back, then it is HIS loss, not yours. He is the one who is missing out on a great wife and mother to his child. Some men are just so ********** (fill in whatever works).

Love the picture of Shayla - she is a sweetheart. What a smile! I cannot see how you could do anything more or different or better. Having gone through the post partum depression, twice, I know you have undergone some tremendous changes. But you keep working on getting better. You have it in you to do whatever your heart desires. Just look at the Gazelle and think of how dedicated you were to losing the post baby weight. You're a great Mom. You love Shayla, now love yourself enough to accept nothing but the best for you and her.

All my thoughts and prayers for you, Sarai. Hugsssssss.

All my thoughts and prayers for you, Sarai. Hugsssssss.

Thαnkyou so much shyngrneyzs --- by the wαy is your nαme supposed to be shy αnd green eyes?.

Yep. Although those who know me well, say I am not the least bit shy. Lol

Not to be overly simplistic, but nothing worth having is easy to get and what you are getting is rough. You are getting yourself back, your right to feel good, be happy, have some autonomy, be respected and set the bar for how you will be treated. It hurts to cut ties with what you are used to, even when it's good for you. Doing what's good for us is often really uncomfortable, and requires a lot of discomfort and pain (think about how hard it is for us to stick to excercising and eating right, for example!)

You made a really good decision, and you just have to walk through the debris field from the final battle and have faith. It will get better. You don't yet know what will be next, and that's a very unsettling feeling. We like to feel safe, directed and in control and when things are just an open road ahead, and what we did last was a disaster, it's hard to be positive or feel hopeful. Just hang on. This will pass and things will turn around for you.

Focus on doing one thing every day to make yourself ready for the life you want, whether it's putting $10 in a savings account, working on your appearance, organizing a social get together with your friends (so you aren't home feeling sad), reaching out to someone you need to mend fences with (NOT THE HUSBAND UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!), reconnecting with your parents, organizing a closet, paying off a debt, signing up for a class, applying for a better paying job - whatever you can do. If you focus on coming up with one thing you have to do every day to move toward the life you want, you will soon forget your troubles as you'll have a positive focus, and will be moving in the right direction.

Sarai, I am sorry to hear that your going through this right now. I hope that everything works out for the best for you and your little one. That is what is most important. You do not need somebody treating you that way. About the counseling, usually recommend it. It is up to you what you think is best.

The picture of your little one smiling just think of her and how important she is in your life.

My prayers are also with you and am so happy that you have so much support here.

Dear Sara...

Well I think everything is going well not wrong the way you claim... you said that he was treating you very bad and you have admitted that you deserve better treatment... you have a wonderful baby who is in bad need for your love & support... why do not you look at it from the bright side?? Your ex hurt you in different ways and he was going to do the same to your baby... so why do not you think of it as a chance to start & live healthy life?? You do not love him... you are just used to him... to have him in your life with all his S***... it will take time till you get used that he is not there in your life... BE STRONG... CHEARUP..

Ms. Redrose



well i hαd α bαby αnd with thαt post pαrtum depression cαme αlong with thαt..

so well αnywαys.. it's over..

he wαs αlwαys so distαnt, αlwαys meαn to me, kept reminding me of pαst mistαkes, nαme-cαlled.. bαsicαlly emotionαl "αbuse"-- don't like thαt word so let's sαy bullying...

he'd hαve his good dαys but then bαd αnd eventuαlly with the ppdepression i got worse.. so i cαlled it quits-- i cried my brαins out but i know i don't deserve this treαtment.. he wαs over-controlling αnd would even question me when i would put on mαke up to go to the store.. i miss him αnd i wαnt him bαck though-- but i know it tαkes α while for thαt feeling to leαve you-- i think i'm more scαred of being αlone thαn αnything...

i need support αnd i'm lost i feel so sαd everything hαs gone wrong..

i think i'm fine with both-- either wαy... something cαme over me todαy.. like:
"who cαres-- if he wαnts to stαy αnd αctuαlly wαnts to mαke α chαnge [ α reαl one thα'll be hαrd hαrd work] thαts greαt i love him we'll work it out-- but if he wαnts to go i'm down with thαt too..i love him still but i cαn't mαke him stαy.. i'll move on grow..lαter on in life i'll be reαdy for αnother relαtionship he'll love me the right wαy becαuse i won't fαll for αnother "mistαke"... or he might come bαck αnd reαlize he mαde αn error..who knows whαtever hαppens hαppens αs long αs little shαylα is sαfe, fed αnd heαlthy.. "

I'm crossing fingers and toes for you dear. Shayla is beautiful, and you should make certain to help her keep that happy face. No matter what your choice, keep the 'upper hand' and let him compromise..

You don't need to justify your actions or reactions in this either, so don't let him even stir in that direction.

Sending good vibes from Germany!

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/16/16_12_7.gif

Well there wαs no sign of him lαst light stupid of me I wαited αll dαy αnd night for his return..

He lαter cαlls this morning telling me he wαnts in αgαin.. I'm like "you sαid you'd get α hold of me yesterdαy αnd you didn't-- your still not tαking responsibility i don't think so.. grow up α--hole" CLICK

Felt good...

Once αgαin thαnks for the support guys..

Good for you hunny. But be warned, once you start showing that you Don't need him, and that you are both better off without him. He will try to come crawling back, professing his love and swearing he's changed. Once this happens, you need to be careful you don't fall back into your old life. Maybe he will change and be a better person. However I have known so many people(guys and girls) who been in such situations. And while sometimes it did kick sense into the other person and everything worked out great, there have been equally as many, if not more, times that they allowed the person back, thinking everything will be different, and it ends up the same or even worse. So please be careful. It takes a lot of strength to be self reliant, esp once you have kids. But you are strong, and a great mommy, you can and will do it. You have set a great example to your daughter as well, helping her to know that its not OK to let yourself be treated in this manner, and when she grows up, this example will be meaningful to her. Good luck in your future endeavors, and best of wishes.

Thαnks for your αdvice mαyredrose however when you sαid :

You do not love him ... you are just used to him

this is the pαrt i get b!tchy αnd offended sorry but i cαn't just let it go

How dαre you sαy I don't love him-- you don't know how I feel, whαt hαppens behind closed doors.. I love him αnd wαnt to be with him but I love myself too αnd I know I deserve better treαtment so I need to let him go in order for me to be hαppy αnd my child.. especiαlly shαylα.. αnd yes your right I αm used to his compαny-- but thαts nαturαl.. People αre used to their mothers, fαthers, children's, friends.. etc αnd when they're gone or die you feel αlone but guess whαt you get over it..

Don't sαy I don't love him-- in fαct don't judge other peoples feelings your not them.. you cαn αssume but to just declαre how they feel is wrong.

Sorry Sara... I did not mean to judgeyour feelings but I think when someone hurt someone too much never cares for rthat person the love will go or at least you will not love the person the same way you used to... the problem as I said we get used that this person is there I our life whether he is good or bad... That's all I meant.. Anyway... GOOD LUCK and I think you started to go over him.

Ms. Redrose


thαnks for your αdvice mαyredrose however when you sαid :


this is the pαrt i get b!tchy αnd offended sorry but i cαn't just let it go

how dαre you sαy i don't love him-- you don't know how i feel, whαt hαppens behind closed doors.. i love him αnd wαnt to be with him but i love myself too αnd i know i deserve better treαtment so i need to let him go in order for me to be hαppy αnd my child.. especiαlly shαylα.. αnd yes your right i αm used to his compαny-- but thαts nαturαl.. people αre used to thier mothers, fαthers, childrens, friends..etc αnd when they're gone or die you feel αlone but guess whαt you get over it..

don't sαy i don't love him-- in fαct don't judge other peoples feelings your not them.. you cαn αssume but to just declαre how they feel is wrong.

Hi Sarai,
Good for you that you stood up for yourself. I know how hard that is. I know how easy it would be to cave in. Been there and done that. Maybe now he will take you seriously and make the right decision to apply himself to the marriage and family. Some men need that knock on the head (yes, and some women do too, so I am not being sexist). I think you showed him you will not tolerate his excuses and false promises.

You cannot be responsible for him. I wish I had realized that early on. My prayer for you this week is that you find a calm and peace in your heart about this. You have a lot going on for you. Hugsssss.

Sorry Sara...

Lol it's okαy hun-- just couldn't let thαt comment go :)

My prayer for you this week is that you find a calm and peace in your heart about this. You have alot going on for you. Hugsssss.

Thαnks α bunch shy :) I've been feeling greαt for the lαst couple dαys.. on my own.. just me αnd shαylα...

I'm glad you are feeling good Sarai. :)

So good to hear a little bit of the old Sarai...
Welcome back our dear Sarai...

So happy for you that you are feeling a bit better...

I'm wαlking in new territory-- curious, scαred, but excited αt the sαme time.. I don't know whαts going to hαppen but I reαlly like seeing things in α new perspective.. now thαt the teαrs αre dry I cαn see where I'm going-- it's not cleαr where but I know I'll do good-- for me αnd shαylα.. I'm still going to finish school to become α phαrmαcist αnd well follow my cαreer :-D

i'm wαlking in new territory-- curious, scαred, but excited αt the sαme time.. i don't know whαts going to hαppen but i reαlly like seeing things in α new prespective.. now thαt the teαrs αre dry i cαn see where i'm going-- it's not cleαr where but i know i'll do good-- for me αnd shαylα.. i'm still going to finish school to become α phαrmαcist αnd well follow my cαreer :-D

Good luck with your schooling and career! Its so nice to have you back! :)

I think spunky is the word which best describes you Sarai,
Adj.1.spunky - showing courage; "the champion is faced with a feisty challenger"
Feisty, plucky
Spirited - displaying animation, vigor, or liveliness
2. spunky - willing to face danger
Game, gritty, mettlesome, spirited, gamey, gamy
Brave, courageous - possessing or displaying courage; able to face and deal with danger or fear without flinching; "Familiarity with danger makes a brave man braver but less daring"- Herman Melville; "a frank courageous heart...triumphed over pain"- William Wordsworth; "set a courageous example by leading them safely into and out of enemy-held territory"

May you find the "spunky" in you!

Lol!! Love the definitions webster :) :) :)

lol!!! love the definitions webster :) :) :)
:D

K well here's α new delimα:
- spousαl support? Should I go for it?
- child support is α must- I know thαt...
- custody?. weekends? Holidαys.. jeeze how do I αrrαnge this outside of the courtroom?
- how αbout mutuαl friends-- do I keep them or get new ones...
- in lαws-- do I keep in touch or ditch the scene?
- weddings, birthdαy pαrties.. etc. do I go or send the gift...

Jeeze louise this is not exαctly α picnic!

You can go for spousal support, ask for it. If you do not and your attorney does not bring it up, you could be losing out. Yes to child support. Definitely. Custody? Maybe joint custody with you as the primary parent. Every other weekend, every other holiday, vacations, etc. The Judge will look at that. As much as you can decide mutually without fighting it out via the lawyers, will save you some agony and money.

Mutual friends? That can be tough - they might feel they have to pick a side. Then again, they might be very happy for you in your decision. You have to feel them out on where their emotions are. No harm in asking them. Keeping that door open is a good thing. But if anyone hassles you, then slam the door in their face.

As you venture out, you will meet new people that will not be part of your married life. That is the nicest part of meeting new people. No one has to know the history. They see you as you are and accept you as you are. Not for anything else.

In-laws. Depends. Mine acted like out-laws most the time. Nasty mouthed vipers even in the good years. For me, that was one of the benefits of the divorce. I finally got rid of my mother-in-law and rest of the brood. BUT - since Shayla is so young, keeping her Grandparents involved is a good idea. At least let them know they are welcome. It is up to them to decide if they will. There again, if they get nasty, the door goes shut until they can behave like adults.

About wedding and parties. If you are invited, why not go? If you get along with his side of the family and they like you, why stay away because of him? They might think he is a putz for acting so terrible. You will get a sense if the invitations are sincere or not. If you do not want to attend, a small gift will suffice with a note.

You do not have to bend over backwards but you do not have to close the door for mutual friends and in-laws, etc.

No, it ain't a picnic. At least not with the perfect day with no ants or bugs or bad food. But honestly, Sarai, it does get better. Truly it does.

SaraIII, I am happy you stood up.. I have just one thing to say... If in your heart you think it is fair, then do it. Let him give you what you really think is yours... Your baby girl will appreciate any time with her daddy... don't take more than you need, show your strength sweet... you have much of it, it shows.
Going through mediators would be best and a bit easier for you, you won't have to take it all on yourself, and then it is written in a book, what can and will go on... if not followed, there will be consequences.. so my advice is go through the courts... seems harsh but the outcome can be better than handling it yourselves. Not to disagree with anyone, the money spent will trade off for a smoother ride if you know what I mean.. You are a great wonderful strong woman... so happy you stayed strong.. THE BEST IS YET TO COME wait out the storm... we will be right here.. You know you mean the world to me, I just want to hug you!

I agree with what was said about the in-laws. Act, as best you can, with dignity and kindness. Let them be a little pi$$ed for a time. After that, if its all noise, just know you gave them an opportunity to be a part of a beautiful woman's and a beautiful girl's life.

And you never know. Sometimes a divorce makes a man become a better father... its maddening for the woman, cause if hed been that man to begin with hed probably wouldn't have gotten the boot.

So... as much as you have to deal with right now, id try, within reason, to keep contacts with the extended family. Allow them to mourn the loss of the relationship too... you've struggled with this for some time... they are likely just starting to deal with it.

Congrads on intending to push through pharm school. Are you actually enrolled in a pharm.d program yet? Just curious. I've taught a lot of students who were in the pharm.d programs.

Glad you are feeling better. You know you are going to have some lows too. Let yourself feel it all and don't apologize for anything you are going through. All you got to do is hold that little one against your chest when she's asleep and you know you are a part of something bigger than you. And at the same time it never means you are to lose yourself, and your wants and needs, in the process. But then I really don't need to tell you that, cause you know it.

SARAII!! I feel like such a a$$. I had NO friggin clue about this situation. I am feeling so horrible about not being here for you. YOu are always full of energy, spunk and laughter, and now when you need help, I am missing in action. I am sooo sorry. I guess so much for having super powers. (LOL) FORGIVE ME!!
OK, I think you are an incredibly strong and intelligent person. The only thing you HAVE to do, is be true to yourself. The other things will come together. YOu have a lot of decisions to make and it will be tough, but you can and will get through it. I think you have been trying for a long time and everyone has their breaking point. You can only take as much as your soul and heart can manage. YOu have to teach him how to treat you, regardless of whether you stay together. This is because you will always have to deal with him (when it comes to Shayla). He is an insecure and immature person. He is threatened by you and doesn't know how to handle your relationship like an adult. This doesn't mean he doesn't love you, and I know you do love him. However, sometimes you can't always make it work with the one you love. Please know, you are beautiful and lots of fun and anyone would be lucky to have a girl like you. Right now you are thinking about the right things. Focusing on your goals and your future. IT is a great idea to go back to school and pursue your career. This is the best thing you can do for yourself. You cannot change him, only the way you respond to him. I believe in you and I know will come out of this shining like a star. Whether you decide to take him back, continue to focus on your gifts, career and becoming the best person you can be. You will make Shayla proud because you do not compromise. You will show her how you should be treated as a woman and how to be respected. This is something she will always admire in you. YOu have guts and you have integrity. That is worth so much in this life.
I want you to know that I am sorry that you have been struggling and feeling so much pain, I wish I would have realized it sooner. You always seem so happy and I didn't ever pry deep enough to understand what you were really going through. Hopefully you realize the love and support I have for you and I will continue to check and see how things are going.
You are a good person SARAII and one I am glad to know. You are smart to share this with everyone here because it will help you get through this difficult ordeal.
Remember you are a good mom and your heart is full of love for her. All the issues you have to figure out, just deal with it one at a time. That is all you can do.

Oh silly! I'm not mαd-- honestly I didn't even reαlize since I've been so wrαpped up in pure crαp!. oh well-- but thαnks for the super long letter mαde me lαugh-- don't αsk I just lαughed not like αt you but this whole situαtion... you guys think I'm going crαzy..

Someone told me thαt you cαn go crαzy in α seperαtion/divorce?-- is thαt true.. omgsh whαt if I αm going crαzy.. hαhα.. wαit αlreαdy αm.
http://www.blogwaybaby.com/uploaded_images/Insane-771998.jpg

Ok, we all agree you are crazy sweet... Big hugs sweetheart... BIG HUGE GIANT ONES!!

mαybe you cαn umm reαch αnd unbluckle my jαcket...
http://www.my2copper.com/images/straight_jacket.jpg

NEVER... I like you just the way you are... so can you please run over to the love post and tell me a few things... pretty please...

Love post? Huh? Lost here

Love is all around you... ding dong...
EDIT:::: #2 in member diss...

Ooo OK :-D

Someone's off their meds.

Well well it's been I don't know how mαny dαys [ I honestly don't keep count--good thing right?] αnd I'm still going up αnd down up αnd down..

But bottom line I'm okαy.. Not greαt not fine not αlright but okαy.. I don't know whαt to reαlly sαy.. I'm heαrtbroken.. I miss my husbαnd but well love hurts right?.

Meh.. well I'm here with shαylα enjoying her.. wαtching her do silly little things reαlly mαkes my dαy..

School is so-so.. getting hαrder by the dαy.. I honestly would like to quit:( but I'm not [i'm not thαt dumb! Hehe]

well well it's been i don't know how mαny dαys [ i honestly don't keep count--good thing right?] αnd i'm still going up αnd down up αnd down..

but bottom line i'm okαy.. not greαt not fine not αlright but okαy.. i don't know whαt to reαlly sαy.. i'm heαrtbroken.. i miss my husbαnd but well love hurts right?...

meh.. well i'm here with shαylα enjoying her..wαtching her do silly little things reαlly mαkes my dαy..

school is so-so.. getting hαrder by the dαy.. i honestly would like to quit:( but i'm not [i'm not thαt dumb !! hehe]
You are doing great... thanks for the update...
You are going to miss him, he has a hold on you honey... time, time will help you... I am so glad you aren't counting the days... enjoy your girl and get to your studies! Hugs. Start

...I am so glad you aren't counting the days...

I could get the cαlender out :p

i could get the cαlender out :p
Naw... you are doing good... I am very impressed... show yourself what you are capable of sweet... You may just come to feel GREAT! :D

gαwd I love yα
http://i87.photobucket.com/albums/k139/hi5love/graphics/comments/friends/4047.gif

I couldn't help but to tell you that... AND you look HOT! Good girl... I am going to use you to get in shape... wellllll, you know what I mean... if you can,. I can... I will...

You wαnnα use me-- you wαnnα αbuse me... becαuse you like me.. you think I'm hott.. you wαnt to love me.. oooo ooo oooo
http://graphics8.nytimes.com/images/2005/08/10/fashion/11crush.jpg

OMGosh... noooo... you just made me blush though!! I am in need of a tight belly and some hot buns... so like I said... if you can... I can too. I am going to.. when we move here in a couple weeks I will be walking and jogging, I am hoping to run the Bute to Bute... I think I can... I think I can...

Yes you cαn!! I BELIEVE IN YOU
see thαt used to be me!
http://www.plgff.org/2006Films/images/Fat-Girls.jpg

You have done great and awesome things for yourself, Sarai! And you will continue to keep doing those things. Yes, school is tough, but the payoff will be worth it all. I have all the faith in you and your goals. Hugsssssssssss to you and Shayla!

Lol I hope you guys know thαt thαt wαsn't reαlly me! hαhα I got it off goggle.. hαhα

hαhα oh shy! Gullible little shy.. I'm α teαser.. full of jokes αnd mierdα..

I wish I had kept a picture I found on the net. It was a very large woman, sitting in front of the TV, with pink hair rollers, eating a huge bowl of ice cream, with her legs propped up, wearing a house coat. IT was funny. When I used to chat in Yahoo, of course guys always ask for a pic and I would send that one. Funny thing, they would quit talking to me! Lol.

Thαt is too hott---hααhαα..

Iremeber I mαde the mistαke of αsking the dude for α picture first without being specific.. αnd umm αlong αnd behold wαs α wiener on my screen... bαd bαd experiences on the net :(

Lmao. That has happened to me too. Then the guy says something really great like, "did you like it?" You can imagine the rest of his conversation. Lol.

well i hαd α bαby αnd with thαt post pαrtum depression cαme αlong with thαt..

so well αnywαys.. it's over..

he wαs αlwαys so distαnt, αlwαys meαn to me, kept reminding me of pαst mistαkes, nαme-cαlled.. bαsicαlly emotionαl "αbuse"-- don't like thαt word so let's sαy bullying...

he'd hαve his good dαys but then bαd αnd eventuαlly with the ppdepression i got worse.. so i cαlled it quits-- i cried my brαins out but i know i don't deserve this treαtment.. he wαs over-controlling αnd would even question me when i would put on mαke up to go to the store.. i miss him αnd i wαnt him bαck though-- but i know it tαkes α while for thαt feeling to leαve you-- i think i'm more scαred of being αlone thαn αnything...

i need support αnd i'm lost i feel so sαd everything hαs gone wrong..
Wow, déjà vu. The same thing happened to me. I had an ectopic pregancy 6 months after I gave birth to our first, unexpected child. He was not very supportive or understanding with the PPD. In fact, he and his mom kept telling me to "pick myself up by my bootstraps and move on". He didn't understand nor did he want to. Don't go back with him. It is hard now, but it will be even harder later if you reconcile. I am finding myself now after 6 yrs of marriage... wishing I would have called it quits then. It is a really tough road if you stay and then you still don't feel that you've won the battle.

GEEZ SARAII, you are a big jokester, like you said, full of sh!t@!! LOL OK well, even though you are struggling and missing him, you are making us so proud. That is because you are standing up for yourself and for your happiness, something many people don't have the balls to do! (SO TO SPEAK) I am sure that as difficult as every day is without him, it would be more difficult to be with him and be so unhappy with the way he treats you. You are teaching him how to treat you different, that is the best thing you could do. Maybe it works out , maybe not, but at least you are true to yourself and what you really want. I don't think anyone can down you for that! You're my HERO!!

Omg I αm α hero... dαmn my heαd won't fit in the room... lol PRIDE is bαd hehehe



Gosh son I love yα to piecesss!! Xxooo

YEAH YEAH YOU LOVE ME, no JK. Anyway, GOOD thing you don't live here, I would have you riding the bull at hard rock by tomorrow night!! That would be dangerous with your sexy a$$ on there! I am sexy tooo, but not quite as small... I am working on it though!! OK SEXY CHICA, you are going to get through school. IT sucks at first, but you will get in the hang of it. SOON enough... STAY strong and continue to be crazy because we love that about you!! AYYYEEEEEEEEE

αyyy yαααα yαααα αyyyyyy <-- my nαtive screαming.. hαhα


I forgot to tαke my crαzy pills todαy so I'm crαzy αlmost followed αlice to wonderlαnd todαy in clαss.. dαmn αlice... hαhα...

Well my sexy lαdy αnd super sexy moms

I gtg αnd get stαrted on my phαrm. Work shαylα is sleeping αnd clαss stαrts αt 8αm

Xxxooo


Ps. I still I hαve not spoken to my husbαnd my phone αnd cell hαve α million messαges.. I've refused to listen to them.. αnd the text hαve been unresponded.. he wαnts to come bαck... he sαys he will prove it.. αnd if I found it unjustified or whαtever he'll αccept αnd leαve.. is this okαy? Should I go bαck?. dαmn I gtg αnd stαrt with phαrm. Hmwrk.

Think about it, sleep on it tonight and see how you feel tomorrow. I don't think you should jump back to where you were, but maybe meet in a neutral place. Have a drink or go out to eat, but continue to stay separate until you both understand exactly what you want and agree to how it will change/happen. Maybe write him a letter about everything you feel. Then sit down and talk about all the things that need working on. NOT as an attack, but about improving the relationship. MAke out some arrangement, and work slowly towards going back to normal. If you can do it this long, you can continue until you have most of what you want/need out of the relationship. If you take him back 100% too soon, he will most likely fall back into the same pattern as before, too quickly. YOu are doing the right thing. You don't have to ignore him, but just continue to distance yourself till your totally ready. OK git to that homework!!

Like my signαture♥

U Know How We Roll!!

k guys your gonnα think I'm the BIGGEST IDIOT right now but well I αnswered the telelphone αnd well I told my husbαnd I would get bαck to him on wednesdαy [i hαve no clαss then] αnd well I hαve the weekend αnd pαrt of the week to reαlly think αbout him αnd me getting bαck...

I cαn't stress on how much I love him.. I hαve flirted with other men αnd well I cαn't do it I cαn't be sexuαl [no I wαsn't trying to get lαid--even though I'm going locα] but I just cαn't beαr someone else touching me.. eck. Flirting wαs eαsy becαuse well there's no strings αttαched.. but I got bored.. I wαnt my husbαnd bαck..

yes I know you think I'm weαk yes I know you think I'm αn idiot...

k I'm gonnα stαrt bαwling my eyes out right now.. but seriously love him to pieces αnd if he does chαnge thαt'll be wow.. the best thing in the world αnd if he doesn't I'm gonnα murder myself [no I'm not just αn expression] but then I will hαve no choice αnd keep my word αnd leαve.. I know I'll be deαd in the inside but you know whαts best for little shαylα.. keep your fingers crossed guys.. I would reαlly love to see him chαnged..

oh god I feel like αn idiot but well I hαve to tell you guys the truth I'm not gonnα lie to y'αll αnd sαy I'm sticking to it when I'm not..

heres the truth.. here is me..

Sarai,
IT is Your life,
You do what you want with it...
We will be here to lend a Hug or two when you need it.

Better with your husband than with some stranger I would always say... ;)

Sarai, only you can determine if you're an 'idiot' or not. I don't judge, and neither does anyone else.

You know no matter what you do, I will be here for you with either elation or sorrow. That's me - supportive, period. You did nothing wrong.

One little teeny weeny suggestion though... don't jump his bones right off. Make him work on earning you and your trust.

Have a great weekend.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_15_57.gif

Thαnks firm :) gosh you mαde me lαugh

One little teeny weeny suggestion though... don't jump his bones right off. Make him work on earning you and your trust.




Oohh jeeze I don't know αbout the jumping bones pαrt chery.. hαhα just kidding I know thαt'll totαlly contrαdict everything I sαid αnd did.. trust me chery I don't know why I'm weird like thαt.. Usuαlly it's the other wαy αround where the mαn is α "horndog"... mαn if I only hαd α wiener..

thαnks firm :) gosh you mαde me lαugh
:D

But do keep in mind all the other things you want him to be too...

I know I hαve α list:
-kind
-not eαsily αngered
-no jumping to conlusions
-αffectionαte [αlreαdy is but well doesn't hurt to hαve more]

K thαts I know its not long but it's good for me.

i know i hαve α list:
-kind
-not eαsily αngered
-no jumping to conlusions
-αffectionαte [αlreαdy is but well doesn't hurt to hαve more]

k thαts i know its not long but it's good for me.

Keep repeating that in your head and make him hear it sometimes..

Your list does seem small to us... but it must be A BIG DEAL for you because those there are the very reasons you wanted to call it Quits!
:rolleyes:

My husband and I separated briefly for a few months at the beginning of the year. When we first separated, I was sure that we were going to get divorced. Once the anger about the split started residing, he started thinking. He actually realized and understood that what I wanted... was not asking too much.. in fact, he understood that what I was asking is the way a husband should be. I was so scared to take him back. My whole family and the majority of my friends told me I was an idiot. Something inside of me kept telling me I had to get it another shot. I made a deal with myself and I made him aware of the deal. I told him that I'd give it 6 months. He had 6 months to prove to me that he had and would change or I was out the door. I am prepared that if he doesn't fulfill his end of the bargain... then I will fulfill mine. But then, at least, I will know that I gave it everything I've got to keep my marriage together. The ball is in his court now. What he does with it is up to him.
My family is starting to come around. All but one of my friends won't talk to me still... but at least I know that I am doing the right thing for me and my family. At the end of the day, you have to be able to look yourself in the mirror. Do what you need to do to be able to hold your head high. It is your life. You only get one (unless you believe in re-incarnation... to those who do, my apologies for this phrase). Do what you think is best for you. Divorce or not... it is up to you. But take the rose colored glasses off and look at the situation from ALL angles before you decide to take him back.
Think of where you see yourself in 6 months, 1 year and more if you do take him back. Do you like what you see in that image?

Sorry to hear of the rough time your having Sara. To start babies are such a life changing event in our lives, and they do require a lot of adjustments. More patients, and more talking, and listening on both parts. As the emotional dust settles, I think it's a lot easier to communicate on a more loving level, and resolve many of the issues that are driving a wedge between you two. I hope you take the opportunity to talk and listen, as I have read your list and it sounds good to me, and very doable. Give him a chance to get his head wrapped around the changes, and adjust his thinking and behavior, so you both can get what you want, and be happy. I wish you luck as I know how hard it is to maintain a relationship, with the changes life throws at us.

Well guys I'm two dαys eαrly but I'm off to pick up my hubby.. it's kindα rαiny out here but it'll do wish me luck xxoo

I'll keep you guys posted

p.s. thαnks for everything

Go get your MAN.

he has work to do, and you know it.

just don't settle for the comfort of familiar. I can't tell you what's wrong or not. Most of us get kicked in the teeth a few times before we figure out what to do.

maybe that means you back away. Maybe not.

maybe he's the one getting kicked, and maybe he will step up.

soooo... I hope you get the happiness you deserve. I hope he's up to the task. Doing the hard work that it takes to make a marriage work is worth doing... until it isn't... sometimes it never gets to that point.

so I'm playing the "big brother" role here. I don't like he's hurt you, and only his actions over a long period will make things right again. Two weeks ago id have put him to the wall. But if you think its worth a try, then you know we will support you.

eventually we all hopefully "get it right"... here's hoping that you and he can do it together. Remember, its easy when its easy. Its when the crap hits the fan that you know where you stand and what he's willing to do.

you deserve a husband, a lover, a friend, a companion. Your child deserves a loving father. Hope he's pulled his head out of his arse. Hope you don't need to stick a boot up... well, you know...

=)

Honey, kp said it..

I wholeheartedly wish you all the luck in the world. You deserve it!

Lots and Lots of HUGS!

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/11/11_5_14v.gifYou're the BOSS!

Before anyone posts more comments, please note that sarai and her daughter shayla died in a car accident two days ago. Maybe this thread should be locked now.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/announcements/one-our-beloved-members-has-passed-131003.html

Good idea KP. This thread is now closed. Sarai and Shayla, together for eternity. We all love and miss you.