I am so lost and confused right now, I don't even know what to think.

My husband, in my opinion, is getting a little too close to his sister's husband's little sister. He calls her (which I know for a fact, his cell is in my name, I get the records) and writes her on the internet (myspace/yahoo). When I walk into the room, I can clearly see he's writing to her, and as soon as he sees me, BAM, he deletes whatever he is doing and closes out the page.

He wrote to everyone recently announcing his new job offer in California. She wrote him a message (I snuck up on him and read it before he could delete it) saying something like "we need to talk about what you are doing, call me" replying about his job offer. Why the hell would she care, if something wasn't going on?

Now mind you, she is in Kentucky (which is where he is from) and we are in Florida. I didn't think anything of this until he said he wanted to go to Kentucky alone, saying it would be too much of a hassle to bring the kids. He says he wants to go for another job interview (dont ask me why, he already accepted a job offer paying well more than we need). We plan on moving to California in November, so why wouldn't he want me and the kids to go and visit his mom before we make the big move? Hmm? Seems fishy to me.

Whenever I ask him about this he just blows me off and says "i dont know why she talks to me"... BULL! I'm getting to the point where I just want to leave. I barely trust him anymore, and I just don't know what to do. Any suggestions?

I think you need to be a little more confrontational.
Make him explain. Or make her explain!
Don't make me come over there!

I do confront him, and he gets all defensive and yells at me. I'm thinking about writing her, but I'm not sure about that yet. If its nothing, I don't want to feel stupid, but if it is something, I don't want to look stupid for staying with him.

I always told myself I would not put up with any crap.

I would not put with any crap either! This sounds like crap to me. What is he trying to get by with? Have you talked to your sister about this? Maybe she can do some digging around for you. At least alert her so she can have her radar up and running. How old is this brother-in-law's sister? The story about another job interview is fishy to me too. If it were a bona fide interview, taking family with would be no hassle.

I am sorry you are going through this, truly I am. Here is to a peaceful resolution. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Speak softly and carry a big stick! Take care.

I would say that I would take the cell phone away and block him from the computer, and tell him he can talk to his little... ( you pick the word) from his own house if he wants to keep talking to her.

Thank you both for responding :)

The brother in law's sister is 19, whenever I talk about her I refer to her as "the little girl".. I think that pisses him off.

Thank you for thinking of me shygrneyez, I really appreciate it. :)

And to Chuck, I have seriously thought about taking the phone away like you said, I think I just might do that.

I am not allowing this crap anymore. He always acts like everything is "hunky dory" (until I bring this up), which makes me think he is just being nice to me to cover up for whatever he is pulling behind my back.

What would you tell someone in your spot?

I'm so sorry that your husband is acting so sneaky. I would be suspicious as well. You need to lay down the law here. You are getting ready to uproot your family to a new state for his new job. The last thing you want is to get out there and how him run off to Kentucky (and honestly for a 19 year old?? Come on... ). I would tell him that he needs to tell you what is going on now. I would tell him that if the more defensive he gets and the more he refuses to talk about it that you are just going to draw your own conclusions and that he does not want that.

My thoughts are with you. You are way too good of a person to have someone treat you this way. Not fair at all.

Thank you Glinda :)

To me when he acts defensive like that it means he is doing something wrong. When I ask him about it he gets really mad and either yells at me or doesn't talk to me anymore. If he wasn't doing anything wrong, I would think he would just tell me instead of getting so mad.

Thank you Glinda :)

To me when he acts defensive like that it means he is doing something wrong. When I ask him about it he gets really mad and either yells at me or doesnt talk to me anymore. If he wasnt doing anything wrong, I would think he would just tell me instead of getting so mad.

I agree people who have nothing to hide don't act so irrational. For example my best friend was snooping in her fiancés apartment and find letter and pictures of his ex girlfriend in a drawer. She lost it. She thought it meant he still had feelings for her and was still in love with her. He just looked at her and said I had no idea they were in that drawer. I don't use it. Let's throw out all this stuff right now and go through some of my other drawers and make sure nothing is left over. She said that by him doing that she knew there were no residual feelings and he was carrying nothing.

See I wish my husband would just be like that. I wish he would say something like "i'm sorry, I didnt know it hurts your feelings" or something like that, instead he just says "maybe she likes me" or "i dont know why she talks to me".. ugh!

I hate myspace for this very reason, but he is #1 on her myspace, above her brother and sister and the rest of her family. I told him that if she does like him it makes her look obvious, and people nowadays need to cover their tracks better if they are going to do wrong. He just rolled his eyes.

Nauticalstar, When you get to California-welcome! It does sound as if your husband is getting a little closer to cheating. Do everything in your power to circumvent this. He is YOUR Husband, as in mine all mine. And he has small children to raise to adulthood. She is not going to care if your world gets turned upaside down, turn hers around a little right now.
Better an ounce of prevention... Although I will say if a man wants to cheat , he will. Some other willing participant is around-or on every corner.

Thank you for responding cerisa :)

Everyone in his family knows this girl, even his mom. I will see what I can stir up, maybe someone knows something. If they do, hopefully they will tell me the truth. I hope at least someone thinks about my feelings if they do know something.

I know the feeling. I think you should ask him straight up, but you would still be curious if he answer you truthfully, right? Good luck !

Thank you for your response Marily :)

Okay, I told him what I was feeling and he completely shut down. I asked him to talk to me about it and he said "I dont respond to people that dont trust me". So much for talking about my feelings, because apparently he doesn't care. :(

I guess I'll just have to do some investigating.

I used to feel like this, I logged into my husband accounts, it was awfull spying around like that, but sometimes the feeling of insecurity is too much. I think whether he is guilty or of anything or not the truth will come out sooner or later

I read a book- "you can't have him, he's mine" it is full of GREAT advice for women who's men are cheating, thinking of cheating or are just dogs who stray all the time.

I read a book- "you can't have him, he's mine" it is full of GREAT advice for women who's men are cheating, thinking of cheating or are just dogs who stray all the time.

Thanks! I'll look into that. :)

Now I'm really confused. I talked to him this morning and he said he doesn't want to go to Kentucky anymore and he's calling around today to find out what this girl wants.

Of course I am not stupid, he can call anyone for all I know and come home from work with a new story. My guard is no where near going down.

Wondergirl agrees: He gets mad because he's on the defensive (i.e. somehow guilty for something).

That's exactly what I was thinking too. Why get so mad if you aren't doing anything wrong?

Thanks! I'll look into that. :)

Now i'm really confused. I talked to him this morning and he said he doesnt want to go to Kentucky anymore and he's calling around today to find out what this girl wants.

Of course I am not stupid, he can call anyone for all I know and come home from work with a new story. My guard is no where near going down.

Hey Doll,
Sorry you're going through this. I'd be suspicious as well, so I don't blame you. Maybe this means he's had time to think and is starting to see what his actions look like to others?
I can't give much better advice than the others, but maybe you could make an excuse to call her and say something like...
(very sweetly) "Hey, I noticed you've been calling *hubby* a lot lately. Is there anything I can help you with?"

She'd probably crap her pants. :D

Hey Doll,
Sorry you're going thru this. I'd be suspicious as well, so I don't blame you. Maybe this means he's had time to think and is starting to see what his actions look like to others?
I can't give much better advice than the others, but maybe you could make an excuse to call her and say something like...
(very sweetly) "Hey, I noticed you've been calling *hubby* a lot lately. Is there anything I can help you with?"

She'd probably crap her pants. :D

LOL she probably would, and I'd feel good knowing that I made her do it... thats kind of evil. :p

He did say this morning too that he has been under a lot of stress with getting out of the Navy and moving and stuff like that. I have been trying to figure out of that ties into this at all.

Listen sweety, coming from a 41 year old woman who has already been on that ride, if it smells fishy, it is fishy. Tell him that you and the kids will be going with him, like it or not. You might be able to nip this thing in the bud.

As dumb as it is, some guys just fall into a "flirting friendship trap" kwim? By all means, he should explain himself to you... but guys (& girls) start with friendly talk... then it becomes flirting... etc.
If he's stressed, maybe he (stupidly) reached out to a person who wasn't directly related to it... and things snowballed. Hopefully that's all and hopefully he's waking up to his behavior.

Before I married my husband, he had a work friend like this (we met at work, so I knew her too). She called him "babe" and he called her "hun" in return. Since he wasn't thinking much of it, he actually did it in front of me! I knew they were friends, but that took it over the top for me...
We got home that day and he asked why I was (obviously) upset. I told him... he still didn't think it was a big deal. Until I reminded him that this woman was KNOWN to cheat on her husband with coworkers.
Doh! His lightbulb went off and he realized that "hun" lumped him into that group (she actually got pregnant by another coworker later)

Sorry, not to steal your post... just trying to say sometimes guys don't think about what this kind of thing may look like to others.

I hope so anyway... I HATE to think he'd do something like that to you. :(

Wow, what a bummer!

I hope that you find a way to get this cleared up. Have you already made relocation plans?

I'd be absolutely going ballistic at this point and setting an ultimatum. How dare him hold back on something this critical - this is not just a trip to Disneyland that your about to make and he should darned well respect that.

I'd insist on going with him to Kentucky and to hell with the hassle - he needs to put up or shut up.

Good luck dear, my fingers are certainly crossed, when I'm not on AMHD typing.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/23/23_165_7.gifI'm really, really pi$$ed. I wish somehow he could feel all the anger from all of us right now - that would be a kick in the ***.

LOL she probably would, and i'd feel good knowing that I made her do it...thats kind of evil. :p

He did say this morning too that he has been under a lot of stress with getting out of the Navy and moving and stuff like that. I have been trying to figure out of that ties into this at all.
You're not evil, you deserve to be treated honestly.

Esp that bunk about "I don't respond to people who don't trust"... You shouldn't have to tolerate people who are deceptive.

Stress can manifest itself in many ways, but it's not an excuse to lie to your life's partner.

Where in cali are you moving to sweetie? I can give you some info about San Diego areas

Thank you all for caring so much! I feel funny talking about things like this with my mom, because she will only say one thing... "leave him and come home"... and since I don't know for sure what is going on yet, I do not want to use that option yet.

I told him last night that it makes him look bad. Even if nothing is going on, this girl is making him look bad. I asked him how it would look if the tables were turned and I was in this situation, and he admitted that it would look bad to him too.

I told him I was getting sick of all of this. I told him that even if he was looking for someone to talk to, it looks bad, and he trusts people way too much (he really does, he's the type that will tell his business to just anyone). He said he would take care of all of this, so hopefully he does.

Where in cali are you moving to sweetie? I can give you some info about San Diego areas

I am moving to Ridgecrest, about 115 miles from Los Angeles. I was born and raised in California, so I'm pretty much just going back home. :p

Here's hoping he will see the error of his ways.

Sending Good Vibes!

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/16/16_1_23.gif

Okay, Welcome Home then!

You're not evil, you deserve to be treated honestly.

Esp that bunk about "I don't respond to people who don't trust"...You shouldn't have to tolerate people who are deceptive.

Stress can manifest itself in many ways, but it's not an excuse to lie to your life's partner.

That crap he gave me about not talking to people that don't trust him really made me mad. Its like I can't even talk to him about anything serious, he just shuts down. I don't know if he feels threatened about serious conversations or what.

I brought up just taking a break, and he said he didn't want me to leave, so I don't know. The way it looks, he just wants to have is cake and eat it too. I don't know if that's the case, but that's how it looks.

Here's hoping he will see the error of his ways.

Sending Good Vibes!

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/16/16_1_23.gif

Aww thank you. You are such a good and sweet person. :)

"leave him and come home"
You don't have to tell him if you're just going for a *cough-cough* visit.

You could simply be going to visit before the big move...
Let him believe what he wants. He's doing the headgames now...

.

You don't have to tell him if you're just going for a *cough-cough* visit.

You could simply be going to visit before the big move...
Let him believe what he wants. He's doing the headgames now...

.

That is very true. Maybe it would shine some light on some things for him. Maybe he'll see what is important to him. If its not me and his family, that's his loss.

That is very true. Maybe it would shine some light on some things for him. Maybe he'll see what is important to him. If its not me and his family, thats his loss.
I think you see where I'm going with this...

"I'm going to Mom's!" doesn't mean you're leaving him forever... just getting into his head.
Hopefully he's mature enough to begin thinking and understand what he's doing.
Just let him believe... now I'm evil.:p

LOL I don't think you could ever be evil. :p

I definitely know where you are going with this though, and it's a good idea.

Hey Star, I just came across your post! I'm so sorry to hear you are going through such a frustrating, stressful time. I must agree with the others, it sounds WAY fishy to me. I've been in about the same situation before and I've seen my now hubby act the way your hubs is acting now and he was guilty as charged! Before my husband and I were married I saw a number in his cell of a girl he had a fling with back in high school... the number had always been there but this time he home phone number was added in... I confronted him about it and he yelled at me and got defensive. He even tried to make me feel like I was a bad person because I wasn't fully trusting him. To make a long story short, I was right, this girl and him had a little fling going on behind my back. Of course, we resolved it, had counseling, all that jazz. Trust your woman's intuition, it's usually right! If I were you, I would bully my way into going to Kentucky with him no matter what. Once I got there I would do some major observing! Good luck girl and I really really hope thinks work out for you and your family. Let us know if you need anything!

Hey Star, I just came across your post! I'm so sorry to hear you are going through such a frustrating, stressful time. I must agree with the others, it sounds WAY fishy to me. I've been in about the same situation before and i've seen my now hubby act the way your hubs is acting now and he was guilty as charged! Before my husband and I were married I saw a number in his cell of a girl he had a fling with back in high school...the number had always been there but this time he home phone number was added in...I confronted him about it and he yelled at me and got defensive. He even tried to make me feel like I was a bad person because I wasn't fully trusting him. To make a long story short, I was right, this girl and him had a little fling going on behind my back. Of course, we resolved it, had counseling, all that jazz. Trust your woman's intuition, it's usually right! If I were you, I would bully my way into going to Kentucky with him no matter what. Once I got there I would do some major observing! Good luck girl and I really really hope thinks work out for you and your family. Let us know if you need anything!

Maybe counseling is a good idea. I think we need it, not only for this, but for his stress issues too. I don't want to just throw in the towel before some effort is made to try and fix this. Thanks ranky! :)

Maybe counseling is a good idea. I think we need it, not only for this, but for his stress issues too. I dont want to just throw in the towel before some effort is made to try and fix this. Thanks ranky! :)

No problamo star! After I found out that he was a bit unfaithful, I still wanted us to work so we did pre-marital counseling. It really helped us find each other and it helped me regain my trust; it worked wonders. Everything is peachy now! :)

Trust is something I'm afraid I'm going to have an issue with. It is hard for me to trust people in the first place, and when someone does wrong to me I usually never trust them again, and if I do, it takes a lot of work.

I wonder if he fully understand the peril he's placed on his family...
And his future...

I will agree, trust is a hard thing to re-gain. I had the issue of not being able to trust people afraid the betrayed me until our counselor explained to me that trust is something that I would have to allow myself to re-gain and that I couldn't depend on my husband to help me with it... it was all on me. She also explain that trust was for me and not him. After that it just clicked... it got it.

I wonder if he fully understand the peril he's placed on his family...
and his future...

I don't know if he does. I hope he understands what he is doing and how I am feeling. If he doesn't, I hope he does soon.

I will agree, trust is a hard thing to re-gain. I had the issue of not being able to trust people afraid the betrayed me until our counselor explained to me that trust is something that I would have to allow myself to re-gain and that I couldn't depend on my husband to help me with it...it was all on me. She also explain that trust was for me and not him. After that it just clicked...it got it.

That makes a lot of sense. That is one smart couselor you went to. ;)

If he has given me a reason not to trust him it is going to take time before I am able to again.

I wonder if he fully understand the peril he's placed on his family...
and his future...
Most people don't until they've about lost it all. :(

Most people don't until they've about lost it all. :(
Exact-a-mundo!

And that's why I suggested she needs to set up a visit, ;) ;) , to Mom's... eh??

Exact-a-mundo!

And that's why I suggested she needs to set up a visit, ;) ;) , to Mom's... eh?!?!

OOOOOOOHHHHHHHH now I see where you are going with this! It's actually quite clever! :rolleyes:

You guys are all full of great ideas. Thank you. :)

Your welcome! :D

Okay he just called me from work saying he talked to this girl on the phone. Apparently I was "misunderstanding" the nature of all of these messages. He said that she wanted to talk to him about when he was going to get a job in Kentucky before he got this awesome job offer. She wanted to "make sure that was what he really wanted".

She posted a comment on the bulletin he put out about his new job offer saying "I dont wish you luck". How freakin rude is that?

Okay he just called me from work saying he talked to this girl on the phone. Apparently I was "misunderstanding" the nature of all of these messages. He said that she wanted to talk to him about when he was going to get a job in Kentucky before he got this awesome job offer. She wanted to "make sure that was what he really wanted".

She posted a comment on the bulletin he put out about his new job offer saying "I dont wish you luck". How freakin rude is that?
She sounds like a stalker! Dangerous! IMO

Whooaa what a scallywag that lass be! Sorry still in pirate mode! Star to be honest, it still sounds fishy to me. The little comment she made translates as "flirt" in my eyes. Keep your guard up.

I don't believe anything until I hear it with my own ears or see it with my own eyes.

I just wrote the (insert bad words here) a myspace message asking her what the hell her problem is.

I'm done, tired of it, and not taking it anymore. The only thing I can do right now is cry.

That's how I am Star... can't fully believe anything until I get hardcore evidence! You have a right to ask her what the bleep her problem is! It's OK to cry to, better that then breaking everything in sight!

Star, so sorry to hear all of this, I wish you well with this, I really do. I hope you do have a good cry it always seems to help, to release the pain... I am sorry sweet. I think going to visit mom is a great idea!

Star, so sorry to hear all of this, I wish you well with this, I really do. I hope you do have a good cry it always seems to help, to release the pain....I am sorry sweet. I think going to visit mom is a great idea!

Thank you hun. :)

I am having a good cry now as we speak, and it seems to be helping a bit.

Oh how I wish I could be right there holding your hand. How I wish I could give you a big huge hug and let you cry on my shoulder. How horrible, you are such a sweety and now this.

Unfortunately I think you aleady know the answer you are trying to avoid.I f it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it is a duck. Now the hard part, you need to decide what you need to do with your present situation

If you still love him and he still loves you then try councilling, but if he doesn't think he needs you then leave him and I'm sure one day he will be like "Wow life is bad without her".

There is a lot of pages and I don't really have much time, so if I'm like missing something let me know.

Tell him to either explain what is going or you are leaving him.

And I would talk to the little sister. Just don't stoop to her level else your husband won't see why he should be with you.

And remember you always have your kids so if he leaves who needs him!

Its all done and over with anyway. I'm asking him for a divorce when I get home. She messaged me saying it was "nothing" and "not my problem".

I'm tired of the lies, and tired of the bull****.

Oh sweet... I am pm-ing you

He just called me and ripped me a new ***hole saying "you just couldnt leave it alone" referring to me messaging her. Something I don't think I deserved...

Nope, you sure didn't. You do what is in your heart. But if you need to talk, I am right here...
Tell him he gave you no choice because he JUST wasn't straight with you. Bottom line.

I told him that already, and he still said "you should have trusted me".

Its all done and over with anyways. I'm asking him for a divorce when I get home. She messaged me saying it was "nothing" and "not my problem".

I'm tired of the lies, and tired of the bull****.


Oh Star, I can only imagine how hurt and upset you must be right now. This is just so awful. Like everyone else said I wish we could all be there with you in your living room giving you a good shoulder to cry on.

I think Captain has a great idea to get out of the situation for a few days to clear your head and figure out what you want and what you need to do in this situation. He needs to get that there are ramifications for our actions in this life. If everything was so innocent then he should have come clean right from the get go. This girls sounds like a complete trollop. Why would she even care if your husband was interviewing in KY?

This situation just gets me so steamed. You are such a sweetheart you do not deserve people in your life to act like such rats!

Thank you Glinda. Everyone's thoughts and responses mean so much to me.

He just called me and ripped me a new ***hole saying "you just couldnt leave it alone" referring to me messaging her. Something I dont think I deserved...

SERIOUSLY?

Uh, should his loyalty not be to his wife? How are you to trust him when he is acting in such an untrustworthy manner? He is acting like an absolute goof!

SERIOUSLY?

Uh, should his loyalty not be to his wife? How are you to trust him when he is acting in such an untrustworthy manner? He is acting like an absolute goof!

My thoughts exactly.

SERIOUSLY?

Uh, should his loyalty not be to his wife? How are you to trust him when he is acting in such an untrustworthy manner? He is acting like an absolute goof!
Goof? You're too polite!
He needs his @ss kicked!
This guy is unbelievable...

Goof?! you're too polite!
He needs his @ss kicked!
This guy is unbelievable...

Absolutely.

He is being a total double dirty rat and no one needs someone like that around :mad:

I agree, except... remember we are all angry and we need to be calm and get down to the truth... They still need to talk to each other face to face, he has a lot of shame to bring out into the open, we all know how hard it is, so the anger of course sets in at first...
Star, your anger is completely justified, I just want you guys to talk, see what the big picture is and if he is going to come clean. Remember, breaking it off is HUGE, and I am not saying you shouldn't just make sure it is what you need to do.
Please, talk with him or go clear your head at Mom's house. Or a friends so you can relax a bit and think. I wish I lived near you. I would invite you...

Aww thanks start, I'd take you up on that offer too. :)

I'm going to see how things go when he gets home from work.

From now until he gets home will give me time to calm down.

Very good idea, even though he is a stinky rat...
Even I am mad... (me? Mad?)
And will be thinking about you all night.

Thank you start. :)

I need to be rational and think and discuss this with him calmly before I make any decisions.

Sorry to hear your going through all this turmoil, and can only hope you take the time to get over those very raw feelings, and talk in person to an older trusted person that you respect, before you make any decisions at this time.

Thank you start. :)

I need to be rational and think and discuss this with him calmly before I make any decisions.
See! That's what we're used to, calm and collected. Just don't buy into the crap. He's going to plead and try to play as if he's the victim. YOU KNOW BETTER! He needs to close his account at that face-space-place-book-crap thing.

Start is absolutely right. Everyone is mad on here so naturally your anger is obscenely higher then ours.

Keep in your mind that to come out this from a place of anger to your husband will cause him to completely shut down. However, if you approach it calmly and rationally and maintain calm throughout the conversation it will be a productive and good conversation - even if the outcome is yuck. The goal is to get him to not shut down.

I think the right now is the best time for anger to be expelled so that you can get yourself to a place of feeling rational. Do whatever helps you cool out. I know for me when I'm mad I need to go for a run and boost those endorphins. I have friends who need to be alone and quiet in fact my best friend typically only needs a long hot shower then she's calm and collected.

See! That's what we're used to, calm and collected. Just dont' buy into the crap. He's gonna plead and try to play as if he's the victim. YOU KNOW BETTER!! He needs to close his account at that face-space-place-book-crap thing.

Yeah I think he needs to close that account too... lol. I'm thinking about taking my cell phone away from him too.

Start is absolutely right. Everyone is mad on here so naturally your anger is obscenely higher then ours.

Keep in your mind that to come out this from a place of anger to your husband will cause him to completely shut down. However, if you approach it calmly and rationally and maintain calm throughout the conversation it will be a productive and good conversation - even if the outcome is yuck. The goal is to get him to not shut down.

I think the right now is the best time for anger to be expelled so that you can get yourself to a place of feeling rational. Do whatever helps you cool out. I know for me when I'm mad I need to go for a run and boost those endorphins. I have friends who need to be alone and quiet in fact my best friend typically only needs a long hot shower then she's calm and collected.

Music makes me feel better. I currently have music blasting in my face. :p

You are right on Captain...
I just think anger can make things work, it may feel good at the time but it clouds our true objective sometimes. I don't think she shouldn't be mad, just think things through a bit. We all know he is being a dirty rat...

Music makes me feel better. I currently have music blasting in my face. :p
KICK IT!!

Hey, start, Tal was the calm one, I was ready to kick some @ss!

Cap'n yes, I know. I think deserves it too... in time sweet. Right Star?

Oh my , that is very very scarry. How old is this girl. I'm not sure what you can do because you seem to be doing everything, listen to his phone convos or look up his history? Set a hiddin camara so you can see the comp screen? I really do not know
I hope you are okk

He just called me saying that he was very sorry and nothing really was going on. He said he was going to delete and block all contact from her (myspace/yahoo) and as far as the phone calls, his sister is staying there with this girl, so he said that if his sister wants to talk to him she can call him, he's not calling there anymore.

Should I trust him?

He just called me saying that he was very sorry and nothing really was going on. He said he was going to delete and block all contact from her (myspace/yahoo) and as far as the phone calls, his sister is staying there with this girl, so he said that if his sister wants to talk to him she can call him, he's not calling there anymore.

Should I trust him?
Do you want to trust him? Dang, he's rung you out today!
I don't understand his sudden change of heart. You busted him outright. It wasn't something he was going to confess to! How long has this been going on? Calling and all..
But, you've children involved. You say he's remorseful?
There are many issues going and emotions, too...
I'll back you on any decision...

He said he talked to his mom and she set him straight. She said something stupid like this is not worth losing his family.

He told me he doesn't want something like this to tear us apart. He said that this girl does make it sound bad, but she's making it sound way worse than it is. Apparently she wanted to talk him out of moving us so far from his family. If this is the case, it is none of her business, and the umbilical cord between him and his mother needs to be cut at one point or another.

He has totally drained me today. I want to trust him, but I don't know if I should just yet. As for the calling, he said the only reason he calls over there is to talk to his sister, he didn't mention if she calls him or not (although he did say she called him today to "rat" on me). I wouldn't even be able to tell because all it says on phone records is "incoming call".

He says he's sorry. My brother says to be pleasant to him, but still keep my guard up. He could just be covering his own butt.

Are you close enough to his mom to talk to her, say just to "thank her";) ;)

Are you close enough to his mom to talk to her, say just to "thank her";) ;)

Ehh that's iffy. I'm not sure if she even likes me yet (she didn't like me when we first got married), but at least she knows what is best for everyone.

He just called me saying that he was very sorry and nothing really was going on. He said he was going to delete and block all contact from her (myspace/yahoo) and as far as the phone calls, his sister is staying there with this girl, so he said that if his sister wants to talk to him she can call him, he's not calling there anymore.

Should I trust him?


I believe in second chances but it depends on how old this other girl was. If she is really young then I don't know I would worried for my kids safety. But if he is seeking help and you think he is really trying then yeah I think you can trust him. We all make mistakes

I believe in second chances but it depends on how old this other girl was. If she is really young then idk i would worried for my kids safety. But if he is seeking help and you think he is really trying then yeah i think you can trust him. We all make mistakes

He is 22 and she is 19.

Hmmmm. Day by day, for you to even begin to trust him he's going to have to tow the straight and narrow.
His actions through the course of this hasn't been that of a loving husband.
Keep your guard up... you deserve better than this angst!
... for what it's worth, you've got my support.
Just be careful (have I rambled enough?)

Ok, OK, so we are getting answers, right Star, they may be iffy and incomplete, but he is going to try. Here is what I see, I see a man covering his A** before you find out what has really transpired between the two. I don't think he is being 100% honest, but I guess time will tell. I hope it works out for the both of you. I wonder if you can get him to go to a little therapy.. I think he needs to feel guilty a little longer! I personally wouldn't start trusting him right away. I wouldn't be able to turn this off so fast. You are calm... LOL I will support what you will do though, just like Cap'n, we got your back!

Nautical:

Sorry about your situation.
Just my 2 cents:

State clearly and calmly to him what you will do if he cheats.
Prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
I would go so far as to seek legal counsel and record all debts and assets, deeds etc.
You have to protect yourself; and he will see that you mean business.

Then, leave it in his hands...
Tell him you love him [ if you do ] and
Never mention it again, no further accusations or criticism [ whether true or not ].

If has cheated or is going to there is nothing you can do, but to move on. Sorry.

If he has not cheated, then this should make him less defensive and maybe open up to you as why he is seeking the attention of someone other than you.

This is not to excuse his behavior, which is reprehensible, but you can only control how you will react.


I really hope the best for you both.

BTW - I'm in western ky - small place and everyone knows someone somehow.





Grace and Peace

All of my support and best wishes are focused on you dear and I hope that you and your family don't have to wait too long to regain your peace and harmony.

My dad is from Hazard, KY but I've never been there. My Kentucky blood is boiling though and if I were there, I'd find her and kick her a** for you, that's for sure.

Hang in there Nautical, we are here with you.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_3_35.gifArmed and Ready.

STAR,I hope your relationship remains intact. If a man gets a "roving eye" it is in trouble. If this is just a one time response to a younger girls flattery, then it may survive . Looks like your friends here have the subject well covered for you. Being waaaay older I have been through this , and worse,a long time ago. My husband realised what he could lose, and mended his ways. He has told me, and shown me a thousand times that our love and our family is precious to him. We have been married 42 years now. Good Luck Sweetie

Star, you better come on. I am starting to worry about you! Hugs, I hope you are well this morning!

I'm here! Lol.

Thank you all for your wonderful responses! I have decided to be nice to him (just because I hate being mean) but my eyes are still wide open. I sat here and watched him get rid of her from internet contact, so hopefully he will start being good. I don't fully trust him as of yet, that is something I feel he has to earn back.

cerisa - I loved your story. I am so happy for you that it turned out okay in the end. Good for your husband for coming to his senses. He would have lost a lot if he lost you. :)

Chery - When you said your Kentucky blood was boiling and you'd kick her ***, you brought a huge smile to my face.. lol. That was such a cool and sweet thing to say :p n Thank you for supporting me, you are a sweetheart. :)

Good for you sweet... so happy, you are too sweet to be treated that way. He is a lucky man, and this may be something to cherish. Hard times make for the best I always say! Hugs, Start (no ax murderer here LOL)

I glad to see that he is coming around a bit and getting rid of all internet contact from her. He was probably scared out of his pants and should be. I wouldn't give to him right away either, your doing the right thing Star! Good job! I'm pretty close to Kentucky so me and Chery could gang up and show this girl some REAL southern hospitality if you need us to! Hang in there babe, sounds like it's all going to pan out!

Ya, Rank, she sure is terrific, huh? Hugs all around, through the tears and smiles...

Thank you guys! Hugs to all of you too.

The best way to keep your husband close is to hold him tight sweetie, and don't let ANYONE come between you. My dear sweet husband has leukemia. What I wouldn't give to be young with him again. I know I rocked his world then, but now I would do even better.

The best way to keep your husband close is to hold him tight sweetie, and don't let ANYONE come between you. My dear sweet husband has leukemia. What I wouldn't give to be young with him again. I know I rocked his world then, but now I would do even better.

I try not to let anyone come between us, that's why I raised hell this time.. lol.

I am sorry about your husband. You sound like a wonderful couple. :)

It sounds like he's telling you a lot by not saying much. I would sit down with him (trying not to be angry, but to tell him the facts) and tell him how I felt. Tell him that it's very serious and not to blow you off. You might consider relationship counseling.

If he doesn't take you seriously or refuses to talk about it/seek help, I think he's sending a really strong message that you should deeply consider.

Best of luck to you!

I am going to admit, right up front, that I have not read the entire thread. I got to page 4 and a light bulb went on in my head, I had to turn it off before it burned out. LOL

The crud about him and the trust issue... You need to tell him that he is giving you a reason not to trust him. He is making the calls when you aren't around, he is closing his web pages when he knows you are there. Let him know that this is suspicious activity on his part. That he is giving you a reason to be concerned.

Tell him that if there is nothing going on that he should have no problem at all with you standing there looking over his shoulder when he is on the computer. My husband used to have this problem as I would shut pages like your husband also. The only difference was it was coincidence. So, now if he stands behind me, I let him read. If I close a page and it looks suspicious then I will reopen it if he has a question.

He has given you reason not to trust him, now make him give you a reason TO trust him.

He may be getting confrontational with the way you are talking to him about this. Men do not like to be confronted. To maintain peace and harmony in a situation like this us women really do have to choose our words wisely.

I'm very glad you stood your ground.
And if you're happy, I'm happy too.

You must be tired of it all by now...

I tried being a little less confrontational, and a little nicer, and it worked! Lol go figure. I guess I still have a lot to learn about men. He opened up when I was nice rather than shut down.

I told him also that he has given me a reason not to trust him and he said he understood that and how bad it looked. His reason for being so secretive was that I tend to overreact about things (and I admit I do) and he didn't want me worrying over nothing. He said it was better that I didn't know how aggressive this girl was about wanting to talk to him. The problem is, I don't know if I should believe him.

I do know one thing though. The problem looked bad, and made me lose some trust for him, and it will take a while to get that trust back.

I understand your pain NS. I have been where you are and found that my ex did indeed cheat. So when my current hubby thought I was doing the same, I took some measures to show that such was not the case.

Stand your ground. Understand that he may not wish to go to counseling right away. Many men do not warm up to this idea at first. You may have to go alone for a while if this is the path you choose.

I'm very glad you stood your ground.
And if you're happy, I'm happy too.

You must be tired of it all by now...

I definitely stood my ground and was completely open and honest with him and he said he understood. I told him I would not tolerate this now or in the future so he needs to be more careful about who he talks to and what he says to them.

He said that above all things he did not want me to leave and he loves me more than anything, and he was willing to do whatever it takes to make things right. Lets hope he was telling the truth. :)

And yes, I am very tired of it. :)

I understand your pain NS. I have been where you are and found that my ex did indeed cheat. So when my current hubby thought I was doing the same, I took some measures to show that such was not the case.

Stand your ground. Understand that he may not wish to go to counseling right away. Many men do not warm up to this idea at first. You may have to go alone for a while if this is the path you choose.

I am sorry that happened to you. To me cheating is one of the worst things you could do to a person. My dad cheated on my mom and she was a wreck for a long time. But I guess it also gives people a learning experience, if it has been done to someone they know what to look for. Plus, now you have a new awesome hubby. :)

I agree though I don't think he will want to go to counseling right away. He hates talking about his feelings and stuff like that, especially with strangers.

You handled this very well, and I am proud of you!
I know it will work out how it should sweet. I am happy to hear him talking nicely with you!

You handled this very well, and i am proud of you!
I know it will work out how it should sweet. I am happy to hear him talking nicely with you!

Thank you! :) I am glad he's finally talking to me too. It is so nervewracking when you are trying to talk to someone and they will absolutely not respond. It makes you think you can't even talk to that person about anything.

I'm glad he was more responsive this time. A skill I quickly picked up was to look at things from both sides. If I were in his shoes, how would I want to be approached? Now how do *i* really feel? Now what's a calm yet honest way to approach him with that?

For me... I journaled a lot when he and I were first together. There I could express all my feelings.. get all the venom out. And then I would approach him with it. Then I was more rational and controlled (yet no less honest! ) in my responses/confrontation/conversation.


In a long term relationship you should be able to express anything to your mate. It isn't what you say... it's HOW you say it. :) I've come a long way in learning to 'fight fair', which isn't generally 'fighting' anyway.

Aww, dang, you mean I can't call him an A-hole anymore?

I'm glad he was more responsive this time. A skill i quickly picked up was to look at things from both sides. If i were in his shoes, how would i want to be approached? Now how do *i* really feel? Now what's a calm yet honest way to approach him with that?

For me... i journaled a lot when he and i were first together. There i could express all my feelings.. get all the venom out. And then i would approach him with it. Then i was more rational and controlled (yet no less honest!!) in my responses/confrontation/conversation.


In a long term relationship you should be able to express anything to your mate. It isn't what you say... it's HOW you say it. :) i've come a long way in learning to 'fight fair', which isn't generally 'fighting' anyway.

A journal is a great idea! Then I can take out my anger on the journal rather than my husband. I did yell at him a lot yesterday, but my blood just started boiling after a while.

And your last paragraph there, was awesome! 'fight fair' and its not generally 'fighting'... that is great!

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_3_39.gifI envision you twenty years down the road, you and hubby on the porch drinking iced-tea and remembering the good times and the bad.

It's a long hard journey we all embark on, some of us wind up alone, some of us bond and have that chance to 'live happily ever after'. It's mostly in our hands.

Love and hugs to you..

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif