Hello everyone,

A brief synopsis of my recent history with my ex follows:

She broke up with me nine and a half weeks ago. Other than a few stupid things I did via Facebook, I never initiated any contact with her. About two and a half weeks ago, she contacted me via instant messenger; we talked the next week, every night, for between thirty minutes and an hour. At the end of that week, she said she was going to be in my neighborhood, and asked if I would be home. This led to me seeing her in person for the first time since the break up--we just had a light hearted conversation for about 45 minutes. A few days later, I sent a message to her on Facebook, saying "I want to spoon you!" While she has been out of town since then, and likely busy with work and a summer job she has, I have not heard from her since. After sending that Facebook message, I decided to start 90 days of real NC, which would involve ignoring her attempts to contact me, too.

Today is day 15 of my new NC efforts. I feel miserable.

My birthday was a few days ago, and I had convinced myself that it would be the start of a new year, and a new me. I was excited, and feeling confident.

This only lasted for about one and a half days.

The past few days I haven't been able to take my mind off my ex, and I've felt incredibly depressed. To the point where I don't want to even talk to any of my friends or family. I know I am not helping my cause at all, because I've basically stopped being proactive about improving myself, and my mood.

I have a second date with a girl that is, by all accounts, a great catch. I had several fun-packed days relating to my birthday. All my heart wants is my ex though--I feel as if my love hasn't dissipated in the least.

I'm lost. Please help.

Geez I've totally been there and some days I still go back, most of the time only for a few moments before I shake it off. Continue no contact it takes way longer than two months,, or so I've discovered.

Also, the message you sent her on Facebook let her know that she has you. She is in control. But try to not dwell on this game... stay with the no contact, I think the outcome of my breakup would have been different if I would have chilled out and realized that the world wasn't going to end if I didn't contact my ex. NC all the way.

Hi there... Excuse me for what am going to say... but you are acting like kids not a matured man!! First you get in contact with her again after the break up and you feel for her then when she does not reply because she is busy you feel upset and block her from contacting you and get along with another girl!! You should ask yourself first what do you want? Do you want to get back your ex or go over her?? If you want her back then forget about dating the other girl because you will hurt her too, and unblock your ex and come up with any excuse and try to talk to her... You did not mention why did she broke up with you?? How old are you? Take some time determine your goals , put a plan then do it... and you have to be patient till you get the results you want... also you have to put in your mind that your Ex had taken a final decision regarding your relationship.

If you want something you need to work hard to get... and work harder to keep it...

Ms. Redrose

I would keep to no contact and don't get out of it. Leave the confusion in the past.

Hi there...Excuse me for what am going to say ...but you are acting like kids not a matured man!!! First you get in contact with her again after the break up and you feel for her then when she does not reply back because she is busy you feel upset and block her from contacting you and get along with another girl!!!!!!!! You should ask yourself first what do you want? Do you want to get back your ex or go over her??? if you want her back then forget about dating the other girl because you will hurt her too, and unblock your ex and come up with any excuse and try to talk to her ... You did not mention why did she broke up with you??? How old are you? take some time determine your goals , put a plan then do it...and you have to be patient till you get the results you want...also you have to put in your mind that your Ex had taken a final decision regarding your relationship.

if you want something you need to work hard to get ...and work harder to keep it...

Ms. Redrose

I am also fairly certain, after hearing as much from a mutual friend, that part of the reason she has not contacted me over the past two weeks is because she was worried that she was "giving me the wrong impression" after she received my Facebook message.

I haven't necessarily blocked her from contacting me either; I have just been planning on ignoring any attempts she might make.

I would like nothing more than to get back with my ex. And I really don't know why she broke up with me. I think she has fears of commitment, and that I may have either gotten too serious or we had simply been together to the point where she got afraid. We are both 24 years old.

I also cannot seem to wrap my head around the thought that things are final between the two of us, and, like I said--I do want her back--but have no idea how to go about it other than maintaining no contact.

I would say that she is not to be bothered right now...

It is good that you are trying to get out, but don't expect to feel attraction for at least a few months... 15 days is not a lot... the brain will not accept the finality for a while. Contacting her right now will not help your cause - as hard as that may be!! We are all rooting for you!

Fears of commitment. Why bother then? Let the emotional dust settle first! Best to get healthy before if you so wish you want to contact her.

fears of commitment. Why bother then? Let the emotional dust settle first! Best to get healthy before if you so wish you want to contact her.

Thanks for responding.

I know that NC is best for me, and that letting things settle is best for her.

As you said, should I still feel inclined, how long should I wait to contact her? Six months?

Thanks!

Geez I've totally been there and some days I still go back, most of the time only for a few moments before I shake it off. Continue no contact it takes way longer than two months,,, or so I've discovered.

Also, the message you sent her on facebook let her know that she has you. She is in control. But try to not dwell on this game... stay with the no contact, I think the outcome of my breakup would have been different if I would have chilled out and realized that the world wasn't going to end if I didn't contact my ex. NC all the way.

Thanks for your response.

This NC has been really hard on me.

I nearly caved this afternoon.

Hey breakups sux, they do for everyone probably even for most of the dumpers for a certain amount of time! It was my 21st birthday 2 weeks after she broke up with me, which kind of put a downer on my special day! I wouldn't give yourself a limit for NC. I would stick at it, to be honest I made the mistake of breaking it so many times and I regret it in a way, it stopped my healing process sooo much!

Its hard but trust me it will be worth it.

Whenever I hear the word FaceBook I am sure it's an NC situation.

(See also "young love") - which means DON'T CAVE.

Come here with a pro-con list first... for an assessment.. we'll help here first so you don't suffer later!

Hello everyone,

A brief synopsis of my recent history with my ex follows:

She broke up with me nine and a half weeks ago. Other than a few stupid things I did via Facebook, I never initiated any contact with her. About two and a half weeks ago, she contacted me via instant messenger; we talked the next week, every night, for between thirty minutes and an hour. At the end of that week, she said she was going to be in my neighborhood, and asked if I would be home. This led to me seeing her in person for the first time since the break up--we just had a light hearted conversation for about 45 minutes. A few days later, I sent a message to her on Facebook, saying "I want to spoon you!" While she has been out of town since then, and likely busy with work and a summer job she has, I have not heard from her since. After sending that Facebook message, I decided to start 90 days of real NC, which would involve ignoring her attempts to contact me, too.

Today is day 15 of my new NC efforts. I feel miserable.

My birthday was a few days ago, and I had convinced myself that it would be the start of a new year, and a new me. I was excited, and feeling confident.

This only lasted for about one and a half days.

The past few days I haven't been able to take my mind off of my ex, and I've felt incredibly depressed. To the point where I don't want to even talk to any of my friends or family. I know I am not helping my cause at all, because I've basically stopped being proactive about improving myself, and my mood.

I have a second date with a girl that is, by all accounts, a great catch. I had several fun-packed days relating to my birthday. All my heart wants is my ex though--I feel as if my love hasn't dissipated in the least.

I'm lost. Please help.
Goodness, when she talked to you did she give you any indication that posting "I want to spoon you" would be appropriate? She has probably not contacted you because you have obviously misunderstood where she was coming from.
Give it up. She probably does not want you to contact her.

Goodness, when she talked to you did she give you any indication that posting "I want to spoon you" would be appropriate? She has probably not contacted you because you have obviously misunderstood where she was coming from.
Give it up. She probably does not want you to contact her.

By spoon, I simply meant cuddle--which is something I often said to her while we were together.

And, no, she did not give me any direct indication that it would be OK to say as much to her.. We just talked for close to an hour every night and she went out of her way to see me in person.

Whenever I hear the word FaceBook I am sure it's an NC situation.

(See also "young love") - which means DON'T CAVE.

Come here with a pro-con list first....for an assesment.. we'll help here first so you don't suffer later!

Pro-con list in what way?

Pros: I think she is the one for me, and would ask her to marry me if we dated ~6 more months.

Cons: She has broken my heart.

1. Refresh my memory - how old are you?
2. pros and cons.....you need to dig deeper: what was working and what did you like about her and your relationship. what was not working and what did you not like....3. standing by

Let me help you start the list: by the way there should be at least 5 on each side. Preferably 10.


1. Pro: We had great chemistry

1. Con: (your quote) "her self-professed 'anger' issues..."

Let me give you a big clue. If you have not called her and she has not cared, meaning she has not called to find out why you're not calling, she is done with you. Unless you guys are teenagers and are still into playing mind games, she has let you know she is through with you.
Get over it.

1. refresh my memory - how old are you?
2. pros and cons.....you need to dig deeper: what was working and what did you like about her and your relationship. what was not working and what did you not like....3. standing by

Let me help you start the list: by the way there should be at least 5 on each side. preferably 10.


1. Pro: We had great chemistry

1. Con: (your quote) "her self-professed 'anger' issues..."

1. We are both 24, and both in our second years of different 3 year grad school programs.

2. New Pros and Cons:

Pros: I am very physically attracted to her (she is really my type), she is very close with her family, she shares similar religious values, she has a similar level of education, we both like animals, she is very caring, she makes me feel immensely happy, she has career aspirations but places other things (family, friends) before them.

Cons: She appears to be afraid of commitment, she has self-professed anger issues, she likely wants to move out of the city and closer to her family (in a rural setting), she gets jealous easily, she would rarely, if ever, make plans for the two of us, she is often not assertive enough, she was less affectionate than I was.

Let me give you a big clue. If you have not called her and she has not cared, meaning she has not called to find out why you're not calling, she is done with you. Unless you guys are teenagers and are still into playing mind games, she has let you know she is through with you.
Get over it.

Bitter much?

Also, it's not like I pick who I fall in love with. You are probably right that she is over me, but I still love her, and your advice is far from helpful.

I'm sorry you don't find it helpful, maybe because it's a bit harsh. But the fact is you need to get over her. It does no good for you to continue to go on and on about this. It is not healthy. Sometimes you just have to face the facts and move on.

You need to give yourself an attitude adjustment. You need to come to the realization that it's over between you. She broke up with you and it should have been no contact from the get-go, right then and there. No Facebook, no phone, no e-mail, no IM, nothing. Time to move on with your life. You've had 2 dates with a new girl and that's great. You need to be doing more of that sort of thing. Get out and socialize with your friends as well. That should make you feel a lot better and help you cope with the disappointment of your failed relationship.

When you decided to commit to the 90 days, you were being logical and considering your long-term wellfare and feelings. You don't need a new girlfriend immediately - you probably need some time to hang out and have a nice time without that pressure, and to work through what went wrong with that relationship - what attributes of her were not right for you, and what mistakes you might want to avoid in the future. Learn from it and move on. Don't contact her any more - the writing is on the wall and she's not the one.

Ok, thanks.

You listed your PROS and CONS below:

"1. We are both 24, and both in our second years of different 3 year grad school programs.

2. New Pros and Cons:

Pros: I am very physically attracted to her (she is really my type), she is very close with her family, she shares similar religious values, she has a similar level education, we both like animals, she is very caring, she makes me feel immensely happy, she has career aspirations but places other things (family, friends) before them.

Cons: She appears to be afraid of commitment, she has self-professed anger issues, she likely wants to move out of the city and closer to her family (in a rural setting), she gets jealous easily, she would rarely, if ever, make plans for the two of us, she is often not assertive enough, she was less affectionate than I was...."

------------------------

PROS: Ok, brace yourself. You cannot rewrite your list, so please read this evaluation carefully: Your pros are not coming from a soulful place: physical attraction, her values, a love of animals, her caring, her life/career priorities....

These are things that are attributes, but not a common life bond.



Cons: These things you listed are not fixable, or something you could solve, if all was perfect, with time and counseling. So, try to accept that....TIME will let you.

"Anger issues.."and a need to be closer to home, and not wanting to plan, or be assertive or be affectionate - are who she is....And just because you liked her does not mean that is enough....

All in all, she may have done you a favor buddy.

Hang in there and if you get just a little better each day you will be a lot better in many days!

Hope that helps!

Wait. It was your b-day and she didn't even bother to contact you and say "happy birthday"? Forget about her. You deserve better. Being a girl, myself, no matter what's happened in a relationship and even if I don't want to get back with someone, I would still call someone on their b-day. She's not worth your time or effort.

You need to give yourself an attitude adjustment. You need to come to the realization that it's over between you. She broke up with you and it should have been no contact from the get-go, right then and there. No facebook, no phone, no e-mail, no IM, nothing. Time to move on with your life. You've had 2 dates with a new girl and that's great. You need to be doing more of that sort of thing. Get out and socialize with your friends as well. That should make you feel a lot better and help you cope with the disappointment of your failed relationship.

Thanks for your response. I know I need to take active steps (dates, time with friends, etc.) in order to feel better, but it's just been very difficult for me to do so.

When you decided to commit to the 90 days, you were being logical and considering your long-term wellfare and feelings. You don't need a new girlfriend immediately - you probably need some time to hang out and have a nice time without that pressure, and to work through what went wrong with that relationship - what attributes of her were not right for you, and what mistakes you might want to avoid in the future. Learn from it and move on. Don't contact her any more - the writing is on the wall and she's not the one.

Thank you for responding. The writing is really on the wall, but I cannot seem to convince myself she really is done with me. I am not sure why I cannot make this small leap.

Ok, thanks.

You listed your PROS and CONS below:

"1. We are both 24, and both in our second years of different 3 year grad school programs.

2. New Pros and Cons:

Pros: I am very physically attracted to her (she is really my type), she is very close with her family, she shares similar religious values, she has a similar level education, we both like animals, she is very caring, she makes me feel immensely happy, she has career aspirations but places other things (family, friends) before them.

Cons: She appears to be afraid of commitment, she has self-professed anger issues, she likely wants to move out of the city and closer to her family (in a rural setting), she gets jealous easily, she would rarely, if ever, make plans for the two of us, she is often not assertive enough, she was less affectionate than I was...."

------------------------

PROS: Ok, brace yourself. You cannot rewrite your list, so please read this evaluation carefully: Your pros are not coming from a soulful place: physical attraction, her values, a love of animals, her caring, her life/career priorities....

These are things that are attributes, but not a common life bond.



Cons: These things you listed are not fixable, or something you could solve, if all was perfect, with time and counseling. So, try to accept that....TIME will let you.

"Anger issues.."and a need to be closer to home, and not wanting to plan, or be assertive or be affectionate - are who she is....And just because you liked her does not mean that is enough....

All in all, she may have done you a favor buddy.

Hang in there and if you get just a little better each day you wil be a lot better in many days!!

Hope that helps!

Thanks for your analysis. I think you are very right about some of the things you noted from my pros/cons list, but that doesn't change the fact that after serious reflection and a considerable amount of time spent with her that I decided that I love her.

I will do my best to get a little better each day--thank you again.

Wait. It was your b-day and she didn't even bother to contact you and say "happy birthday"?? Forget about her. You deserve better. Being a girl, myself, no matter what's happened in a relationship and even if I don't want to get back with someone, I would still call someone on their b-day. She's not worth your time or effort.

Yes, I am still sad/angry that she didn't acknowledge my birthday. That said, I had heard just before my birthday that she stopped talking with me because she was concerned that she was giving me the wrong impression. In that sense, it would be hard to fault her for not mentioning my birthday--but, like I said, it still made me sad.