You and your spouse may have different love languages. There are five love languages which I am sure will help any married couple once your husband know and understand your love langauge and once you know and understand his love language.

The five love languages are:

1. WORDS OF AFFIRMATION- these are verbal compliments or words of appreciation such as
a. "You look sharp in that suit"
b. "Do you ever looknice in that dress! Wow!"
c."You must be the best cook in the world."
d. "I really appreciate you washing the dishes tonight, or taking out the garbage or doing the laundry, ironing the clothes, vacuuming the floor.

Encouraging words are also part of this love language. Encourage him to do something he wants to do not what you want him to do. Focus on his interests and inspire
the courage in those areas. With verbal encouragement we are trying to communicate, "I know. I care. I am with you. How can I help?"

Kind words also help. A soft answer turns away anger. Ask him for forgiveness if you have wronged him. Don't bring up his past mistakes. Failures of the past should
already be history.

Humble Words will help a lot. Make some requests not demands. The key to changing the emotional climate of marriage is to express verbal appreciation for the things
you like about the other person and for the moment, suspending your complaints about the things you do not like.

2. QUALITY TIME- giving someone your undivided attention. Try spending 20-30 minutes a day with your spouse. Talking to each other and Listening to him while looking in his eyes, doing things together, taking a walk just the two of you. A central spect of quality time is togetherness. Togetherness has to do with focused attention.

Quality Conversation- -sympathetic dialogue where two individuals are sharing their experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context. It
focuses on what we are hearing.

A. Maintain eye contact when your spouse is talking
B. Don't listen to your spouse and do something else at the same time.
C. Listen for feelings- what emotion is my spouse experiencing? When you think you have the answer, confirm it.
For example, "It sounds to me like you are feeling disappointed because I forgot ____________." This gives him the chance to clarfy his feelings. It also
communicates that you are listening intently to what he is saying
D. Observe Body Language - Clenched fists, trembling hands, tears, furrowed brows, and eye movement may give you clues as to what the other is feeling.
E. Refuse to interrupt- If I give you my undivided attention while you are talking, I will refrain from defending myself or hurling accusations a you dogmatically stating my
position. My goal is to discover your thoughts and feelings. My objectives is not to defend myself or to set you straight. It is to understand you.

Learning to talk is part of quality conversation. It means self revelation. You must communicate your feelings to your spouse. Place yourself in your spouse's shoes for a
moment and ask yourself what would be your feelings if you are hearing harsh words from your spouse. In this way you can express your feelings and voice your
thoughts in an understandable manner.

Quality Activities may include anything in which one or both of you have an interest. The emphasis is not on what you are doing but on why you are doing it.

3. RECEIVING GIFTS- A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say, "Look he was thinking of me" "She remembered me" The cost is not important. What's important is that you thought of him. And it's not the thought implanted only in the mind that counts, but the thought expressed in actually securing the gift and giving it as an expression of love. Gifts may be purchased, found or made. The gift of self or the gift of presence is an intangible gift that sometimes speaks more loudly than a gift that can be held in one's hand.

4. ACTS OF SERVICE showing your love by doing things for each other. These are things you do for your spouse such as cleaning the house, cooking, doing household chores for your wife or husband. Ask your husband or wife what can you do for him.

5. PHYSICAL TOUCH- holding hands, kissing, embracing, and sexual intercourse are all ways of communicating emotional love to one's spouse.

DISCOVERING YOUR PRIMARY LOVE LANGUAGE involves knowing what makes you feel most loved by your spouse. What does your spouse do or say or fail to do or say that hurts you deeply.

If for example, your deepest pain is critical, judgmental words of your spouse, then perhaps your love language is Words of affirmation.

Another way to discover your Primary love language is to examine what you do or say to express love to your spouse. Chances are what you are doing for her is what you wish she would do for you.

Thus, you may discover your own language by asking, "How do I consciously express my love to my spouse?" But remember that this approach is only a possible clue to your love language, it is not an absolute indicator.

Here are 3 ways to discover your own primary love language:

1. What does your spouse do or fail to do that hurts you most deeply? The opposite of what hurts you most is probably your love language.
2. What have you most often requested of your spouse? The thing you have most often requested is likely the thing that would make you feel most loved.
3. In what way do you regularly express love to your spouse? Your method of expressing love may be an indication that that would also make you feel loved.

How can we speak each other's love language when we are full of hurt, anger, and resentment over past failures? Remember that Love is a process and love is something you do for someone else, not something you do for yourself. Love is a choice. It doesn't erase the past but it makes the future different. When we choose active expressions of love in the primary language of our spouse, we create an emotional climate where we can deal with our past conflicts and failures. Love makes the difference.

We may ask the question, "Can we love the unlovely?" The Bible says, "Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. Do to others as you would have them do to you. Is it possible to love a spouse who has become your enemy? Is it possible to love one who has cursed you, mistreated you, and expressed feelings of contempt and hate for you? Give and it will be given to you. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

What you can do is to state an objective such as if in six months you could have your fondest wish, what would it be? An example would be "I would like to see my husband or wife loving me again and expressing it by spending time with me. I would like to see us doing things together, going places together. I would like to feel that he is interested in my world. I would like to see us talking when we go out to eat. I'd like him to listen to me. I'd like to feel that he values my ideas. I would like to see us taking trips together and having fun again. I would like to know that he values our marriage more than anything."

"On my part, I would like to have warm, positive feelings toward him again. I would like to gain respect for him again. I would like to be proud of him."
For the next six months, speak your husband or wife's primary love language consistently. And somewhere along the line his/her emotional need for love would begin to be met and as his emotional love tank is filled, he would begin to reciprocate love to you. This is built upon the idea that the emotional need for love is our deepest emotional need and when that need is being met, we tend to respond positively to the person who is meeting it.

Generallly speaking, if we are kind and loving toward people, they will tend to be kind and loving toward us. Know your spouse's primary love language by observing him when you do something for him that makes him happy and when he/she shows a positive attitude towards something you have done or are doing. Like when he/she either responds positively to appreciation, his primary love language might be Words of Affirmation. or if it is in the things you do, Acts of Service is his love language or responds when you give him gifts, Receiving Gifts, is his love language or when you give him undivided attention shows signs of changes in him, Quality time is his love language. Or if he responds positively with every kiss, hug, rub on the back, or in sexual intercourse, then Physical Touch is his love language. Tell your husband/ wife that you will be a better wife/husband.

Then after you have done these things for a month or 2, ask your spouse how you have been doing. If he/she responds positively, you will know that your efforts are getting through him emotionally. One week after you receive a positive feedback, make a request to your spouse something that you would like him/ her to do such as, "Do you know something I would like to do? Do you know how we used to play scrabble together? I'd like to play scrabble with you on Thursday night. The kids are going to be staying at a friend or relative's house. Do you think that would be possible? Make the request something specific, not general. Don' say. "You know, I wish we could spend more time together." That's too vague. If you make specific requests you will know that when he does it, he is choosing to do something for your benefit. Make a specific request of him each month.

In the process you are teaching your spouse your primary love language. If he chooses tobegin loving you in your primary love language, your positive emotions toward him/her will begin to resurface. Your emotional tank will begin to fill up and in time the marriage will, in fact, be reborn. Don't give up if at first you don't see results. Just continue doing things to show your love to your spouse and in time, you will be able to see positive results. Tell your spouse that you have been thinking about your marriage and have decided that you would like to do a better job of meeting his/her needs.

Ask for suggestions on how you can improve. His suggestions will be a clue to his primary love language. If he makes no suggestions, guess his primary love language based on the things he has complained about over the years. Then focus your attention on that love language for the next six months. Ask for feedback from your spouse every month on how you are doing and for further suggestions. Start experiencing the miracle of love.:)

Hello miss:

It's all wonderful. But I couldn't read it because you don't use paragraphs. Maybe that's why I haven't found true love - cause I can't read so good.

excon

I have to agree with the ConMan here. The reading was difficult as proper sentence structure was not used. My eyes kept getting all twisted and I forgot what line I was on so I soon gave up.

If it will help, I will edit what I have posted so you can read it. Because it will really help those who are in the verge of wounded marriages.

I have edited my entry so you will all have an easy time reading through.

I don't mean to be harsh. But, this seems like a self-help guide to a marriage that one would see in a 1950's educational video. That is to say, it's not practical and reads like the male dominated judeo-christian writing of the aforementioned era. To me, it sounds like it's telling the female to act in a submissive way and disregard problems as "bumps in the road," that given time, will work themselves out. In other words, stay in a troubled relationship in the hopes that some day after an undetermined amount of time, it may get better.

If I am in fact reading this wrong, I would ask to be enlightened.

Or read it here:
http://www.freewebs.com/pastordavids/lovingtherightway.htm

Or here:
http://www.frumi.com/images/uploads/thefivelovelanguages.pdf

Or here:
::: Malaysia's Fashion and Lifestyle E-zine ::: (http://www.emmagem.com/articles/bookworm/0004.aspx)

Very interesting, she wrote it as her own, did not quote her sources... Can anyone say plagiarism :rolleyes: ?

Good catch NK ;) .

Its sweet of you to try and help. :) You're right, a lot of couples who post here are struggling.

I don't mean to be harsh. But, this seems like a self-help guide to a marriage that one would see in a 1950's educational video. That is to say, it's not practical and reads like the male dominated judeo-christian writing of the aforementioned era. To me, it sounds like it's telling the female to act in a submissive way and disregard problems as "bumps in the road," that given time, will work themselves out. In other words, stay in a troubled relationship in the hopes that some day after an undetermined amount of time, it may get better.

If I am in fact reading this wrong, I would ask to be enlightened.

SOURCE: Five Love Languages - How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman.

In some of my answers to some of the questions about marriage, I recommended this book to them. The reason I posted this was to show the people with broken or wounded marriages to do that there is still hope. That's why Jesus said in the Bible to do unto others what you would want others do unto you. For whatever a man soweth, that he shall also reap. If you show kindness to others, then you will be shown kindness. It is also mentioned there that it's not an indicator that these actions would change things. It may probably make a difference. I have had some problems in my marriage as well and reading this book made a lot of difference. I have been guilty as well in some of the issues stated in this book. This book is for married couples and there are even stories of some men having problems with their wives. I just want to share God's Love and how he is showing HOPE for the hopeless. There are hopeless marriages in this book, but Jesus made a way for them to find each other back in each other's arms. This is the reason why Jesus came. He came to save the lost, to give hope and to give life. This book doesn't tell women to just ignore what's happening to them. It simply tells us that Love is a choice. Love is something you do for someone else, not something you do for yourself. We are simply choosing to do it for his or her benefit. An act of reaching out for both man and woman. If you choose to love the unlovely, with the help of the Lord Jesus Christ, then it is never impossible to mend broken or wounded relationship. And if our present relationship is that important to us, then we ought to forget ourselves for LOVE's sake. If this book doesn't help you, then the only hope you've got is JESUS himself.

Thank you for posting this up. It is helpful to me. Sometimes I need reminding on how to effectively communicate - I think I am going to send this to the hubby.

If you choose to love the unlovely, with the help of the Lord Jesus Christ, then it is never impossible to mend broken or wounded relationship. And if our present relationship is that important to us, then we ought to forget ourselves for LOVE's sake. If this book doesn't help you, then the only hope you've got is JESUS himself.
So yes, I wasn't interpreting this incorrectly. And excon, you were apparently right on target.

And just to clarify, I'm not saying the information you posted doesn't have merit, just that it's too ideological and short-sighted.