BACKGROND(I'm engadged to a cool guy for 3 yrs in Oct. Love him lots, etc etc no questions there. BUT of late he's been able to find job's within the field he likes. Job's that take up all his time and force him to leave home for weeks with 2 days to see each other in between, when he comes home he either wants to watch a movie with me I don't want to watch or wants to do his own thing. I get he works a lot and needs to chill. I just am getting tired of being alone all day, then again at night. Yea I got no job and where we live at moment no way to get a job. So I take care of the house. I'm alone all day, I don't have friends nearby and no one my age nearby. All the friends I thought I had were fakes.)

What I am saying is what is the point is getting married if you never see each other? If you can't ever hangout or share time, because one or the other person is too tired, needs their own time etc etc. What does that do to a marrige? And why does he say he likes having me round, that hanging out isn't exciting anymore because we been together for 3 yrs. He's "used to me".. that don't make me feel too good. I guess I'm just worried that for the rest of my life I'm going to be lonely when I really don't want to be. That I wolnt have a family (kids because he hates them). How do people juggle work and family... I mean honeslty. *sigh*

FYI- my fiancé loves me and I love him, so there isn't the option of breaking up or taking time off. We don't need that. Ty for any help.

My husband and I have been married for going on 4 years. He is in the Navy and is gone ALL the time. When he was on a ship, he would be gone anywhere from 2 days to 6 months. It was hard, I will admit, especially since I was pregnant with our first boy while he was on deployment.

Well, he got injured and got removed from the ship, and is now in a squadron. He is STILL gone a lot. He works a normal 8 hour day, but his schedule varies all the time. For example, this week he worked 6:30 a.m. - 2:30 p.m. next week he works 10:30 p.m. - 6:30 a.m. and the week after that he works 2:30 p.m. - 10:30 p.m. I honestly never know when he is going to be home.

What I have found from being married to someone with such a hectic schedule is that I always look forward to seeing him the next time I see him. When he does come home its so exciting, almost like I haven't seen him forever. We go out to dinner, to the beach, to concerts or when we don't have the cash to pay for something to do, we just go for walks. We do anything to spend time together when he has the time to spend it.

I know for some people never seeing each other can ruin their marriage, but as for me, it makes mine stronger. I feel that if you are around someone 24/7, 365 days a year, you get bored and run out of things to say and do. If you go a little while without seeing each other, there is always something new with both of you that you can tell each other, and there will always be something to do that you haven't done in a while.

And the fact that he said he's "used to you", don't take too much offense to that. It happens to everyone. He could have said it a little more carefully, but it does happen. It just means you are comfortable with each other in your relationship. :)

Just because you love each other, doesn't mean you're in a good relationship. You have to decide if being apart is manageble and if you're up to it. Every married person needs alone time and some of their own interests, but those should never come before their spouse's needs. If I need alone time, I let DH know and he does the same which works for us. However, I never take alone time if he has an event he'd like me to attend, etc. If I only ever want alone time, then why am I married? There's a fine line... I've known people who got married to be married. Never having anything in common, always alone but in the same house at the same time, etc. They were together for a long time, so tied the knot. Whoopie de do! I'm with you.. why bother?

Personally, we just made it official, but we've been together for 8 years and living together after only 2 weeks of dating. We actually met at work so we spent 24 hours a day together for 3 years and in 8 years we've only spent 4 nights apart (for work travel). We're the opposite of Nautical's example, but it works for us. Marriage isn't easy all the time, but it should still be worth fighting for and only an individual can make that decision. Individual situations, you know? You have to be in the right situation that makes you both happy.

My concern for you is what you said about family. If he doesn't want a family, is that something you could live with? It sounds like you might regret not having one. THAT is a big factor in going through with a marriage. I have a friend now who's become an emotional wreck. From the beginning of their relationship, her DH said No kids EVER. She agreed and they got married. Now, 3 years later she's desperate for kids and he won't change his mind. In fact, he said he'd leave her if she got pregnant. She's admitting to friends (not him yet) that she lied at the time and thought marriage would change his mind.

Be really sure before setting a date. If you have no doubts and no reservations, go for it. Otherwise, there is nothing wrong with being engaged for a while. :)

I agree with nauticalstar that I would think I would rather not be with my hubby 24/7(dont get me wrong we love each other and love being together).
Both of us need time doing our own thing.
He is always busy with work but we make it a point to find time together even if not alone(like we take our daughter for a swim,or walk or even shopping ).

There was a time before my daughter was born that I found too much time on my hands and got easily bored (and there is only so much you can do at home or watch on tv).
I found some good books to read and took up my old hobby of painting and handmade card making.I even started to learn sewing(on my own), and even made some of my own lingerie (not sophisticated as the readymade ones,but hubby loved them).
Maybe Ray you could find a hobby to your liking and who knows it might just turn into a money making hobby.

I know and understand that each relationship works differently, maybe you two should discuss what both of you like doing and do those things when you have time.As you love each other you will find a way to compromise. Maybe you should start writing letter to him, so that when he gets back you have something to read together.

Marriage must not be about one person but two(or three, if you have a kid).It should not be just about YOU or just about HIM,
It must be about both working towards a future where both of you can find yourselves as separate individuals,but at the same time have similar goals, that will build a relationship to provide a healthy environment ( which if you may plan to have children will give them the best environment).

Hope you find what you are looking for in your relationship .:) :)

In regard to the family issue my hubby is 19 and I think still young in that idea, but I'm 21 and a girl.. lol so I guess that's why the differ I'm opinion. It does bug me he's "used" to me. It's like he doesn't care about being with me, because as long as I'm round he's happy. But I'm just not. Im not the type to want alone time, I already have it lol. I love him to death and I don't want to end this relationship, in my heart I know were meant to be. But this workinjg all the time, never having time for a life is old. Maybe I'm just imiture, but I can't help it.

In regard to the family issue my hubby is 19 and i think still young in that idea, but im 21 and a girl..lol so i guess thats why the differ im opinion. It does bug me he's "used" to me. It's like he doesnt care about being with me, because as long as im round hes happy. But im just not. Im not the type to want alone time, i already have it lol. I love him to death and i dont want to end this relationship, in my heart i kno were ment to be. But this workinjg all the time, never having time for a life is old. Maybe im just imiture, but i can't help it.

Have you tried talking to him about the whole situation? Isn't there a well paying job he can get that he is interested in and he can still be at home? If not, are you able to move for him to be able to get a job like this?

And he's calling me selfish... that makes me sad cause I really don't understand how I am selfish

Have you tried talking to him about the whole situation? Isnt there a well paying job he can get that he is interested in and he can still be at home? If not, are you able to move for him to be able to get a job like this?


Not really, we tallked last night because I broke down. He thinks I'm selfish. As for the job, its with the government you do what they say. It's the first and only big break we had or see. Plus the money is well.

Not really, we tallked last night because i broke down. He thinks im selfish. As for the job, its with the government u do what they say. It's the first and only big break we had or see. Plus the money is well.

I, myself, don't believe you are selfish for wanting to spend more time with him. You're human, and you love him, so wanting to see him more is a natural feeling. And I know how it is with the government jobs, trust me. I don't personally like them, but they do provide very well.

What exactly does he do that requires so much travel? Is he in the military?

In all honesty him being "used" to you should be a compliment. He is comfortable with you, he enjoys just sitting and watching a movie with you. Yadda yadda yadda

If he was not used to you after 3 years that should be cause for concern.

I think the problem is more yourself than him. You spend way too much time alone and it is cutting away at yourself confidence.

Yeah, he's gone for long periods, but he does this so that the two of you can have a life together. A better life than the one you had when you joined this site. So, in a sense I can see why he may be saying you are being selfish.

I have been with my husband for 16 years now. I have spent almost a year with him 24/7, while it was nice, it got a little intense at times. He is now gone all day and early into the evening.

I really think you need to look deep inside yourself and find out why you are not happy. This has more to do with you than it does him. Really it does.

Hello.

The amount of time you spend together isn't the problem, if you have half a day a month and you make every sec. special you can make it together. The problem is the spark is gone and you need to get it back. You have to start doing all the little things you did at first to make things exciting. Its not going to change quickly but it will change if you Love each other.

Next you have to get a life that makes you happy so when your not together you can enjoy yourself. If you can't find work then start a hobby. You have to do something so your not sitting around thinking about what you don't have. You need to be excited about what you do have and planing special things for the time you have something.

Dennis777

I, myself, dont believe you are selfish for wanting to spend more time with him. You're human, and you love him, so wanting to see him more is a natural feeling. And I know how it is with the government jobs, trust me. I dont personally like them, but they do provide very well.

What exactly does he do that requires so much travel? Is he in the military?

He fixes pc's for the government/milatry. He has to go where they need him.

He fixes pc's for the government/milatry. He has to go where they need him.

Ahh okay yeah I can see that now, how it would be very time consuming.

If he doesn't want to switch jobs because the money is good, all you can really do is make the most of the time you have together. I know it is stressful, but if you love each other enough you can make anything work.

Tell him to meet you half way. Ask him if he would do something besides "just hang out", so when he leaves his time home sticks out in your mind. Does he have any leave days in the books? You could try taking a spectacular vacation together. Something where you don't have to think about work or your everyday worries, where you can just spend time together and enjoy each other.

BACKGROND(I'm engadged to a cool guy for 3 yrs in Oct. Love him lots, ect ect no questions there. BUT of late he's been able to find job's within the feild he likes. Job's that take up all his time and force him to leave home for weeks with 2 days to see each other in between, when he comes home he either wants to watch a movie with me i dont want to watch or wants to do his own thing. I get he works a lot and needs to chill. I just am getting tired of being alone all day, then again at night. Yea i got no job and where we live at moment no way to get a job. So i take care of the house. I'm alone all day, i dont have friends nearby and no one my age nearby. All the friends i thought i had were fakes.)

What i am saying is what is the point is getting married if you never see each other? If you can't ever hangout or share time, because one or the other person is too tired, needs their own time ect ect. What does that do to a marrige? And why does he say he likes having me round, that hanging out isnt exciting anymore because we been together for 3 yrs. He's "used to me"..that dont make me feel too good. I guess im just worried that for the rest of my life im gunna be lonely when i really dont want to be. That i wolnt have a family (kids because he hates them). How do ppl juggle work and family...i mean honeslty. *sigh*

FYI- my fiance loves me and i love him, so there isnt the option of breaking up or taking time off. We dont need that. Ty for any help.
There are lots of options to kill lonliness. Actually just get busy. Because you know Idle mind is a devils workshop. There will be lots of opportunities with your favourite hobbies. Just check it out and start living your life instead of just wsting precious time waiting for him. He will slowly und once you get busy and you do not have time for him.

Don't waste this free time. Do things you have always wanted to do and enjoy life. Thinga take time to work out.

And think positive. Do keep in touch . Take care and smile a lot

What i am saying is what is the point is getting married if you never see each other? If you can't ever hangout or share time, because one or the other person is too tired, needs their own time ect ect. What does that do to a marrige?

Dealing with situations like that is what defines the strength of a marriage. One spouse works nights, the other days. One spouse is home all day with small children, the other works with adults and has intellectual stimulation. One spouse goes on a solitary vacation doing something the other spouse would hate, and so the stay-at-home spouse has a wonderful time doing special things the traveling spouse would hate.

Married couples don't march lock-step with each other, but make a point to set aside time together to share the adventures they've had while apart from each other.

Do you have a car? Can you walk somewhere? Can you pick up a hobby or two? Can you plant a garden or grow potted plants? Can you read books? Can you do crossword puzzles? Can you work on cooking and baking skills? Can you volunteer somewhere, say, at a hospital or nursing home or animal shelter or library? What adventures can you have, adventures that will make you a more interesting person and that you can share with him when he comes home?

No kids, no job, no friends, no hobbies, no interests of your own. You have allowed yourself to be isolated within your home, and that must change, as you would gain much by just having a life that makes you happy. For your age, school is the thing to do, as new skills and knowledge will not only help get you employed, but also be around some interesting people. It affords your mind something to do that's worth while, and if that's not enough, volunteer all that alone time towards those that cannot do for themselves, and need you, and watch the ego and self esteem, go up the scales. The key is do something that benefits and entertains you, and your attitude will change and no doubt the quality of life with hubby(soon to be?) will be much better.

Thing is I can't go anywhere. No extra car, no money for one, no money to do anything go anywhere or take vacations. He doesn't like to take off work either. We need our money to pay bills and credit and save. There isn't any place to work or visit round here, there is only apartment buildings. I can't do anything because we do live in a apartment its not our home. I play vid games all day, watch moveis clean. . Lol that's hobbies? I don't know.

You can go to college can't you? Yes, there are grants that you would most likely qualify for that will pay your tuition. One school in your area even provides transportation.

You see, the problems you are having are within yourself and yourself esteem. To have a healthy relationship you have to be healthy with who you are.

Hey Ray
Maybe there are people who need to have their dogs walked, or an invalid who needs grocery shopping, or someone who needs something done for them like cleaning,gardening,water the lawn etc.
Is there a possibility?

BTW I like your signature,
Why not try living up to your slogan :)
I REFUSE to be a product of society, society will be a product of me!

I've tried the cleaning thing, no one wants them cleaned because they can do it themselves for free, one women told me bluntly. Ppl put up job posters at the mailbox, but none have been up lately. J I can't go to college. I have to get my G.e.d. which I'm actually working on now after putting it off for some time. (for those who don't know, my quitting wasn't my choice it was my parents fault entirely and truthfully) So once I get that I might be able to consider college. But I doubt it, id rather just get a job. I'd still have to pay something, and I don't have the money. Plus I don't know what I want to do, I'm not good at much of anything. All the colleges round here are not what id want to go to either, so I was planning on skipping that part. I don't think I was meant for it. But ty for the thought.

Rayne dear,

When you look at it from our perspective... all of these are excuses for staying at home and not doing anything. I don't mean to sound rude, you know me, I say it as I see it.

The Federal Pell Grant will pay ALL of your tuition if you qualify, I do and I certainly make more money than you do.

There are resources out there, you have to use them for them to work for you.

Well this grant, where do I apply? I'll apply oce my Ged is taken care of.

Here is a website that describes it all. It can be a little confusing, so read it slowly and carefully, but this is where I apply online every spring.

Online Financial Aid Services (http://www.fafsa.us/index.htm)

You have a computor so you can take classes on line and apply for tuition help at the college. Get that GED and get the fingers busy. There is also trade or technical schools that upon completion give you job seeking services You have a lot more options than you think so get that GED. If you need help I can guide you through the process.

I can't help with the process of the GED, but I can help with any other financial aid process or college/tech school admissions process.

If you don't have transportation many colleges have online courses that count just like being there in person.

Ray, look how far you have come since you first started here!! You can do this, we can help.

Ray, I'll be your very own personal librarian if you give this a try.

Well if I went to any school it'd be for art or something. I like art, but I honestly don't think I am any good. Art is tough to do online, and some of these courses need special items that have to be bought. Now I'm more of a hands on person. I'd rather be in a calss, but as is, it might be tough to get that. And I'm still not sure I even want to go to college, not everyone does. I'm more focused on this Ged at the moment. But ty for all the advice.

Yes, like eveyone else said, build yourself a solid foundation when you are young, It's quite hard when you get older, having kids, family all that. School is very important, thinking in long run please. :)

In marriage like in life you give up things to get the things you want more. If you are not eat up with the desire to have more and make more than your friends or neighbors you can give up the higher paying job for something that pays less but gives you and your guy more time to do the things that you would like to do. But the average person is just not ready to do that now days. They want to work harder to have more and after a few years of this they find out they got everything they every wanted... except each other.

Yea I've been thinking, and I can be a bit whiny and complainy when he ignores me for more then a few hours. Im not sure how to just not care, and go about my own thing so I don't make him mad. For instance yesterday we watched a movie (I didn't pick) but after until bedtime, he went off an did his own thing. Surfing the net and stuff. I played a game for like 2 hrs then tried to talk to him and he tells me to shutup. I wait an hour or so again same thing, then I get mad an tell him I'm tired of him ignorning me. An we get into a little argument. So I go back to doing nothing until its bedtime and by then he wants to sleep. It's just anoying, its like he makes himself busy just so he doesn't need to hangout with me, then he tells me that if I'd leave him alone until he's done he'd be fine. Well heck if I did that, id never talk to him.. . I don't know what to do about this prob. But its making him angry at me what I don't want. Last night he said before bed he's tired of my complants and whinning. I don't think I'm that bad, and if I am I think he brings it on himself. Any advice on what to do? Should I just stop caring and settle for a retarded relationship, with no converstaion, no anything? It's like lately all he cares about is the stupid 350Z he wants to get.. . all he does, says and reads is based on that dumb car. Why are men so dumb sometimes? No offense.

Hi Rayne, I think for two people to work on the same page they both must be mature enough to to be independent, and able to express their wants, and needs to each other in a non threatening, non confrontational way. That has to begin with and individuals knowing themselves, and what they want over a period. From what you have written, you put far too much on your husbands attentions, at this time, and the lack of other outlets or interests on your part, have made you dependent on him for any human interactions. Not all your fault at all, as he seems to ignore the fact that you are alone a great deal of time, and need his input and attentions to balance that loneliness you must feel. Not good on his part. You both are young and inexperienced, in the ways of man and woman working and talking together. I think you must show patience, and be more thoughtful as to when you talk to your man, and what and how you say it. Another thing that is so important is your ability to get what you need to be happy without him. Identify and plan how best you can get what you want, is indeed an empowering action on your part, and will also Let you learn your strengths and weaknesses, and define your goals, and expectations of yourself. You've noticed everything I've said is about you and improving your personal strength as I believe that's where it starts, in a relationship. Your husband is hard working and maybe a great guy but he is young and immature to your needs, and will need a lot of time and love to grow into his own manhood, and if he seems short or non caring, its not personnel ,but he just doesn't know himself, or his role that well yet. Many of us young guys falls in to the category of dumb to the needs of our mates but over time we learn, and today after 33 years my wife almost has me house broken. It is a long process, that take a lot of time and work to get to and can't be rushed. The key is to pick your battles carefully, and give a lot of thought as to the methods and language, you present to him. During a movie when he is relaxed, is a better time to talk than when his attention is wrapped up on something, for example. Suggesting a movie, is better than telling him you don't like his selections. Didn't mean to ramble on, just wanted you to know that you have more power than you give yourself credit for you, you just have to know where it is, and how to use it. Good Luck.

Tal, you are perfectly spot on again. Now, would your advice change at all if they were not married? They aren't by the way. They have only been together for 3 years, not married yet, but engaged at this point.