My parents stayed together after my Dad molested my sister. Of course it was a different time and it was not reported. We all grew up loving each other and forgiving the flaws and we all grew to be normal productive citizens. Then I married a man who molested my daughter. I called social service, had him arrested, and divorced him. But the love I feel though changed has never died and my kids are all grown. Can a relationship after the fact still work? Is anybody out there trying it. This man tore my world apart once, I can not go through that again. Is anybody out there making it work?

Personally I don't know how you can love man that violated your child. You probably are this way because your mother loved a molester and so you think, well he'll get better, it's not that bad.
What do you tell you daughter if she sees you with the man that stole her innocence?
Child molestation is not a flaw, it's a crime and they both should be in jail.
I would not call you normal because you have found an excuse for this type of behavior. I suggest you get some therapy to find out how you can feel you love this monster.

I doubt that what you feel is really love for this man. How could you continue to love the man who sexually molested his own daughter? There is forgiveness, yes, but that does not there has to be letting him back in. Do you honestly think that a sexual molester only ever does that once and never again?

If you get back with him, he may never be allowed children - since he should be on a sex offender registry and have provisions of his parole. But then you did not say he actually spent time in prison. If you do get back with him, what happens when he is around his granddaughters? If I were your daughter, it would be a cold day before I would come into the home with my Dad living there. Neither he nor you would be allowed in my home.

I think you do need to see a therapist and find out what makes you tick when it comes to even thinking about letting your ex husband back in.

Dysfunction is handed down from generation to generation.

Your choice of a mate is a perfect example. We get our wiring done in our pre-adolescence and it affects us in ways we don't even know:divorce, alcoholism, infidelity, promiscuity, etc... you have to fight it your whole life... God bless our parents! Yikes.

Anyway, no way in hell you should bend to the notion that you love him still - and test your love for him.
Never. Never. Ever... Never... He may be citizen #1, but he was enemy #1 to your kids. And that is not forgettable...


Love is real. But it's not always real smart.

Can I ask where he lives? I don't want my children anywhere near a monster like this, and I'll move if I have to. I have a beautiful 13 year old daughter and if my husband did that to her I couldn't love him PERIOD.

With love comes respect. I can't imagine respecting a man who stole my child's innocence.

What the F***, you should not even consider such an option... Are you for real or is this a wind up.

He is a pervert and should be castrated. The sickist of human kind.

You fell in love with the outward image he portrayed, but you are forgeting the abnormal nature of the person...

What sort of person are you ! To consider being with your daughters abuser... How do you think this would make her feel...

Get a grip.

There is no such thing as an ex child molester. Your child was not the first and probably not the last. You need some help lady.

I really think that you need some help. You have issue's that you need to deal with. Your mother as well.

To give you an idea of normality.

Would everyone reading this Answer this simple question.

Is peodophila wrong. Yes or No.

Watch the results and then get some help.

Is peodophila wrong. Yes or No.


Yes. On WAY too many levels.

You answered your own question. You know exactly how much pain your sister and daughter went through, which compounded your own grief.
Keep him out of your life where he belongs. You cannot date him without hurting your daughter and therefore, yourself. Old feelings aren't worth risking the relationship you have with your daughter or yourself respect.

Lady, in all due respect, you need some serious psychotherapy.

This is what they call a cycle of abuse. You grew up thinking that not only was it okay and normal for a father to RAPE his children but that you should forgive and love that person afterwards. Your way of thinking is very wrong and extremely unhealthy.

There are no cures of the sexual compulsions of a pedophile. Even chemical castration does not guarantee that they will not re-offend. The pedophile has to recognize that their behavior is a compulsion and control it most cannot. People like this are master manipulators and tend to control the situations in which they live and will lie to get whatever they want.

Please seek some professional help to understand why you feel the way you do.

Lady, in all due respect, you need some serious psychotherapy.

This is what they call a cycle of abuse. You grew up thinking that not only was it okay and normal for a father to RAPE his children but that you should forgive and love that person afterwards. Your way of thinking is very wrong and extremely unhealthy.

There are no cures of the sexual compulsions of a pedophile. Even chemical castration does not guarantee that they will not re-offend. The pedophile has to recognize that their behavior is a compulsion and control it most cannot. People like this are master manipulators and tend to control the situations in which they live and will lie to get whatever they want.

Please seek some professional help to understand why you feel the way you do.


I agree. I would really like to tell you what I would like to do to this man and your father ! I can't tell you because I would be banned from this site I can't do it for real because I would be locked up. And yet I am 110% certain that I speak for the majority of NORMAL people.

Please Please Please Stop this cycle right now. Its is in your power ! You are the adult. The responsible person.

Personally I don't know how you can love man that violated your child. You probably are this way because your mother loved a molester and so you think, well he'll get better, it's not that bad.
What do you tell you daughter if she sees you with the man that stole her innocence?
Child molestation is not a flaw, it's a crime and they both should be in jail.
I would not call you normal because you have found an excuse for this type of behavior. I suggest you get some therapy to find out how you can feel you love this monster.
Had to spread it. This is harsh but true. You have no business "loving" this man (if you can even call him that.) You don't have the right to repeat a mistake just because your mother made it. Your lucky your daughter's father hasn't killed this guy and you, or at the very least gone to court and had custody taken away from you.

How in the world could you ever think about going back with someone like that?
I'm a mother of 2 little girls and I would be in jail if someone EVER did that to one of my kids.
You really need to think about your kids and their feeling. If you're a good mother, you would never be with anyone that would ever hurt your kids!
Sorry if that comes off mean, but that's just my feelings!

I think she gets it... and she's gone...
I HOPE she gets it...

Why did your dad stop with your sister? You sure your Dad did not hurt you, if not physically then as all the above have pointed out, your view of what is acceptable in your life is not considered normal... you need some counseling.

Neither my Dad nor my ex ever raped anyone. My Dad touched my sister inappropriately, she told. Had she not who knows how it may of progressed. But since the rest of us children did not know until years later it did not affect our upbringing. We had a normal childhood and when we found out while shocking it was so many years in the past with no other incidences that it was easier to continue loving such a man. In my ex's case. We had taken custody of his niece who had unfortunately lost both of her parents and had been molested in the past. She was emotionally scarred and We tried to get her counciling but she refused to talk to any of the 9 councelors we took her to. In the end they would just refer us to another councilor that maybe she would be more compatible with who maybe she would talk to. She was classically, sexually active at an early age and began making advances at my ex on a regular basis. Obviously the man had mental problems and began to take advantage of the poor child but would always stop it and send her away before it came to rape. Then his twisted mind began thinking that My Daughter would like it to! He tried to touch her and she screamed bloody murder, and my niece was in the house and all was told to me immediately. My ex and I had a son together who was just a baby. The only reason I have even kept in touch with him is that he had visitation rights Supervised the first few years of course. He has been a model dad to my son throughout his life.Of course he went to jail, and when he was released had years of counciling and ten years on the registry as was the rule at that time. He has never before or after to anyone's knowledge hurt anyone else. I have known this man since I was 16 and after 30 years he has shown himself to be a good person and everyone that has ever known him most of which know about his past, has found him to be a thoughtfull, law abiding citizen. NONE of this exuses his past actions nor my fathers, but if people can not change and learn to control there actions Why do we have programs in place to help them instead of just shooting them and being done with it? I have never had my daughter around this man again and I did report him send him to jail and divorce him, But because I can forgive and still care about someone that has been in my life for 30 years I am now the sicko and need the help! Is there anyone out there that has been through a similar experience and thus have a basis on which to give advise. If you don't smoke you can not give advise on how to quit. And although you may all be correct in your judgement of my sanity, I would prefer to hear from those with life experience in the subject matter, or that is a councelor in the field. I know that when my ex was in counciling there were several wives that stayed married to these men, though at the time I was in my angry years and could not understand it myself. I wanted to hear from them because if the majority was later disappointed and hurt because they can not change, I did not wish to be put through it again. But if the majority are success stories as my mothers is, then perhaps I am not as crazy as you think. While most true pedifiles are repeat offenders most opportunists are just mentally weak and once caught never offend again. Know you subject matter before jumping on the band wagon. Thank you.

While most true pedifiles are repeat offenders most opportunists are just mentally weak and once caught never offend again. Know you subject matter before jumping on the band wagon. Thank you.Hello again B:

Somebody must have told you there's a difference between pedophiles and opportunists. In my experience, there isn't.

Plus, I'm not sure what you're trying to say. You did the right things. You protected your daughter. You didn't put her at risk again. All that's cool. And, it's OK to love him, if you do. You don't need my permission.

excon

I beggers believe... I try not to sound offensive but this angers me to the core of my being... What is it that you as a person CANNOT UNDERSTAND.

YOU LOOK AT A CHILD AND SEE A CHILD, you have caring feelings. Love and compansion.

YOU LOOK AT AN ADULT, PUBERTY 17 18 19 ONWARDS AND POSSIBLEY SEE SEXUAL ATRACTION.

****YOU DO NOT LOOK AT A PRE PUBESENT CHILD AND SEE SEXUAL ATTRACTION ****

PERIOD ! IF YOU DO THEN YOU ARE SICK AND NEED HELP.

Now are you telling me that you look at young children boys and girls and want to touch them or have sex with them ? From what you have said that is no, that is normal. The men you mention DO LOOK AT THEM THIS WAY. To touch someone in private areas means you are looking at them in a sexual way... This does not change, they have not changed, they are sick... This is not a case of bad judgement it is fundementally wrong, sick and twisted...

Please believe me that I do not mean offence as I understand the trauma such events caues but you cannot and there is not excues at all period for this behaviour...

Please people help me to get through to this person the reality of this situation.

No I don't need anyone's permission to feel something. But acting on it may hurt my daughter or my grandkids in the future in the future and I would never want to do that. I guess I was just looking for a sounding board so I could decide if it was worth the risk. I never expected it to be so one sided however. I assumed that since child molestation was so common that there would be others out there with my delimma.

I cannot believe you are still looking for support here. I don't think you will get what you are looking for. He was wrong and so are you and am wondering why you were not charged or will you be? Charged with child endangerment.

But acting on it may hurt my daughter or my grandkids in the future Hello again, B:

ACTING on it IS the key. You apparently DID that, and protected your daughter from further harm. I was commending you on that. I also said it's cool to love him - that's got nothing to do with children. That's got to do with YOU. You're an adult. So, go do that, and have a happy life.

But, no matter what you might hope for, and what you might wish for, DON'T EVER let him be alone with children again - EVER. THAT'S ACTION.

excon

No I don't need anyone's permission to feel something. But acting on it may hurt my daughter or my grandkids in the future in the future and I would never want to do that. I guess I was just looking for a sounding board so I could decide if it was worth the risk. I never expected it to be so one sided however. I assumed that since child molestation was so common that there would be others out there with my delimma.

There probably is, going through the courts right now. The perverts (who in my opinion should be shot and I would gladly do it) leave behind them a wake of devastation and destruction, destroyed youth, destroyed relationship etc... But of course this is the act of an unselfish, loving caring person ! OF Course it is not...

Please take off your rose coloured glasses, ignore the grooming that these perverts do on adults as well as kids and see the CREATURE for what it is.

We all like to see the good in people and forgive. But some things are Pure selfish evil desire for self gratification that will harm the other people for the rest of their lives!

This is what you think you love !

This is not just some affair in a moment of weakness. This is pure selfish uncaring self gratification at the harm and expense of another human being...

DO YOU PEOPLE NOT LISTEN! My children are grown. I never endangered them never had my daughter around him from the second I found about it. Why do you feel there should be court action against me. Please explain.

If you allow him back in your life and expose your grandchildren to him, then you would deserve to have charges brought against you. You know what he did and child molesters are not of a curable sort of people. One of my Psych professors said there are only two known cures for them - both quite illegal now.

You offend me ! Your attitude is sick. I am normally not a rude person, but I cannot condon your action and I will report this to the authorities.

To the moderators on this site please take action now, this person is clearly OK with putting children at risk. Please forward this person details to the authorities of which country she belongs. I will also report this to the Uk Authorities.

Thank you. A concerned citizen for the health and well being of children.

excon, I normally agree with 99% of what you say. But why are you willing to deal with this individual who can only think of herself, is she worth all your efforts, she wants the OK again to bring this animal back into her daughters life. I won't give it to her and I hope you don't as well

You offend me..... I cannot condon your action and I will report this to the authorities.Hello 4:

Relax, Dude!

There's not even the suggestion that a crime has been committed here. I get that you don't like her. But, if you snitch, for no apparent reason other than to cause her trouble, I'll be highly offended!

If you want to call the cops, find a REAL crime.

excon

Hello 4:

Relax, Dude!

There's not even the suggestion that a crime has been comitted here. I get, that you don't like her. But, if you snitch, for no apparent reason other than to cause her trouble, I'll be highly offended!

If you wanna call the cops, find a REAL crime.

excon


With the utmost respect to yourself, I have seen the effects of child abuse and although the op clearly did love and perhaps still has feeling for this person there is no excuse to allow this abuser anywhere needs children. The op might not be concerned about the after effect of abuse on her daughters life. That is clearly her choice and she does not see this as an issue. In other words she is putting her interest before that of a victim of child abuse. That is 100 % wrong. It is because of this attitude that abuse is so often not reported and continues.

I cannot allow this to happen both for the sake of the op daughter and other children. I have therefore requested the moderators take action as I will.

The op should not have a problem in any way manner or form that the authorities no about this. No caring person would.

I am sorry if you disagree with this course of action. But the welfare of children must come first.

Regards
4 answers.

Let lay it on the table. This is the ? We all should be asking. How could she love this sicko who has hurt her child in this way. There are many things I'd like t do to the animal and I can't believe she does not. Doeas she not love herself to have the self respect to see what she wants to do is wrong. Oh no starting to feel like there are some things I'd like to de to her. Ought to go.

There is no such thing as an ex-child molester. Once a molester always a molester

Are you out of your mind? Or all just illiterate. As I have said the child is grown over 18 and out of the house and We are not even dating This is a love I carry in my heart and have not acted upon at all, which is why I was seeking advise? The only wrong action I have taken was to pour my heart out to a bunch of people who would prefer to sit in judgement and start a lynch mob rather than to listen or give advise. And you call yourself Christians??

Ok, we all understand that your kids are grown. But think of it this way, do you really think that your kids would want to even sit across from him at the table at like holidays and stuff... after what he has done?
I'm guessing they wouldn't!

Are you out of your mind? Or all just illiterate. As I have said the child is grown over 18 and out of the house and We are not even dating This is a love I carry in my heart and have not acted upon at all, which is why I was seeking advise? The only wrong action I have taken was to pour my heart out to a bunch of people who would prefer to sit in judgement and start a lynch mob rather than to listen or give advise. And you call yourself Christians????

Who is calling themselves a Christian? Last time I checked this is non-denominational site.

I'm sorry but you are deluded if you thought announcing to a bunch of people that you are still madly in love with a man who violated children would be met with approval.

What do you want us to say? I think the problem here is that none of us can understand how you can love someone who did what your ex did. After all this time how could you still feel this way.

Apparently she thinks they do.

Furthermore, I hold a masters degree and my husband who agrees with me is a federal attorney. I am giving you what you asked for an opinion. If you don't like the opinions get of the site.

How could you ever look your child in the eyes again?

Since I don't consider myself a Christian, I don't have any problems with never forgiving a monster like that, either.

I never expected it to be so one sided however. I assumed that since child molestation was so common that there would be others out there with my delimma.
I'm really saddened by your statement. One sided? Because what you write about is abuse and wanting to justify a later relationship with a person who hurt your daughter... and yourself. Its one sided because to us (outside of the situation) its easy to see you're heading down the wrong path if you reinitiate contact.
When you mention child molestation being so common ( :( ) Its due in part to the offenders having long standing relationships with their victims. Example: Parents who continue to have access to the children they molest, family friends who remain in their lives, etc.


DO YOU PEOPLE NOT LISTEN! My children are grown. I never endangered them never had my daughter around him from the second I found about it. Why do you feel there should be court action against me. Please explain.
As said before, you did the right thing by ending the relationship and protecting her. However, adult children or not, they are still your children and need to be protected by you. All the good you did in the past could be undone by starting a relationship with him again. (I don't get why court action should be taken... I'm not commenting on that)

If you think its one sided, that should actually tell you something. It means that within the millions of people with access to this PUBLIC Internet site, no one is considering a similar relationship. That alone should tell you that something may be wrong in acting on this.

let lay it on the table. this is the ? we all should be asking. How could she love this sicko who has hurt her child in this way. Hello again, mommy:

Ok, let's talk about that... Frankly, I don't think that's the question we should be asking. I do agree, however, it's for sure the question everybody IS asking.

Here's MY answer. From my perspective, I don't understand how an awful lot of people can love and support a whole variety of REALLY bad people. But they do, and you know some of them. They're your family members... That's a question that will NEVER be answered to my satisfaction. So, I just don't concern myself with it.

What I AM concerned about, like you, is the welfare of the children who might be exposed to this guy. She said that she removed her daughter when she should have, which was appropriate, and her daughter is grown up now. She has a choice whether she wants a relationship or not. That's not our call.

BEEN did say that she thinks loving this guy might put her grandkids at risk. I certainly put the kybosh on that idea, and hopefully, she got it.

But if she wants to love this perv, let her.

excon

This is not about being Christian, it is about common sense and discernment.
This man is a pedophile, and you think you still love him after he has molested your child. Do you not see a problem here? It does not matter that your child in now 18, she still carries scars and your associating with this monster would only re open them.
I'm curious to know how long you've had these feelings and what brought them on. Maybe you are just lonely, but you don need to revisit that mess.

You know it is a real shame that there are support groups for family members alchoholics or drug addicts but not for pedifiles. In fact, the shame of even being associated with someone that has done this deed keeps people from getting advise or the help that they need. It is quite possible that I am crazy as well as the other thousands of people that do still love the members of there family that have done this deed. I personally know a few only because they admitted to me about there brother, father, uncle etc.. After they found out about my ex. It was such a relief for them to talk about there mixed feelings about there loved ones to someone else without shame. But apparently we are all just to be hanged with family members. We are not the ones at fault. We are victims. And your hatred and abuse is why they don't ask for help and my even cause others to run from society and make bad decisions that could endanger children because There ill family members are the only ones they can talk to without scorn. If thinking about something is the same as acting on it and worthy of law officials being called, and people wishing they can jump through internet lines and hurt someone,how many of you would be in jail. My God have mercy on your souls.

If thinking about something is the same as acting on it and worthy of law officials being called, and people wishing they can jump through internet lines and hurt someone, how many of you would be in jail.Hello again, BEEN:

Well said.

excon

And why did I think there might be others on this site? Because of a question posed by a lady named Turnera1 a few days ago, only her kids are still at home. I told her to stay away but without slaming or hurting her the way others did. My heart went out to her realizing that she is still in the beginning of this and knowing what I went through. It is such an emotional thing that you don't know which end is up. I thought I could help myself and others by posting the question. How do you let someone back in your life? In my case time let the anger fade and a harmless genealogy project that we were working on together via the phone and internet became a daily ritual. Other than this I have had no contact just a feeling inuendos from him that he would like to and I was exploring my feelings on the subject when I ran across her question. My apologies to you all for existing.

You know it is a real shame that there are support groups for family members alchoholics or drug addicts but not for pedifiles.

If you're interested:
Support for victims and families (http://www.childmolestationprevention.org/pages/resources.html#support)
Good luck to you

Been - What do you want us to say? None of us can imagine why you could forget. I get forgiving not forgetting.

My father was arrested for child pornography 7 years ago. He is not in my life nor will he ever be in my life. He of course thinks it no big deal because he hasn't done it since he was arrested. I cannot for the life of me understand why you would want to open your life up to this person when no one - not even my grandmother can open her life again to my father

My point is that you are not finding other people who consider acting on those feelings. There are TONS of people here who've been through the same abuse you're familiar with.


My apologies to you all for existing.
That's harsh. You don't need to apologize for anything... no one thinks you shouldn't exist... that's ridiculous.
Please understand that this is a very sensitive topic that will incite a lot of fear, anger, resentment, sadness, etc. No "positive" feelings can really be found on this sort of topic I'm afraid.

[QUOTE=BEEN THERE]You know it is a real shame that there are support groups for family members alchoholics or drug addicts but not for pedifiles. In fact, the shame of even being associated with someone that has done this deed keeps people from getting advise or the help that they need. It is quite possible that I am crazy as well as the other thousands of people that do still love the members of there family that have done this deed. I personally know a few only because they admitted to me about there brother, father, uncle etc.. After they found out about my ex. It was such a relief for them to talk about there mixed feelings about there loved ones to someone else without shame.

100% agree there should be a support group.. It should go something like this, my father abused me and I am still trying to come to terms with it, evan though it was years ago. It still affects me today. By the way this is my mother at the support group to offer me help and support (oh I am sorry, correct that, this is my mother who does not really give a dam how this has affected me, ruined my life, but rather interested in her own desire to be with this person even though this will not only hurt me but any children I have and any children living close by. SHAME is not an issue, your sense of judgement is.


But apparently we are all just to be hanged with family members.

No just the ruineer of lives - the sick one who refusues to get help.


We are not the ones at fault. We are victims.

Yes 100% and my heart goes out for you and every victim SO WHY THE F*** WOULD YOU CONDONE THIS AND ACCEPT A MAN BACK IN YOU LIFE. IN YOUR BED AFTER HE HAS WANTED YOUR CHILD DAUGHTER !

And your hatred and abuse is why they don't ask for help

I and others have shown no hatred to any victim of abuse, nor have we shown any abuse. We are 100% here to help people who suffer NOT CONDONE AND ACCEPT abuse.


There ill family members are the only ones they can talk to without scorn.

This statement like all of your statements show that your judgement in this issue is impared. I am not qualified to assist you in the treatment of this. For whatever has been done in your past to allow you to think in this abnormal way, I am trully sorry. If I could resolve those issue for you I would give up all my time to do so.

However the fact remains that without disrespect to yourself for the journey that has been forced on you, your impared and incorrect assessment and judgment is an endagerment to children. This is our first and primary concern and should also be yours. Because it is not I have informed the operators of this site and the authorities to contact you.

Although you will not believe what I say, I trully wish you all the best on your journey and that you find love and happiness with a normal loving caring man so that you and your daughter can live a happy and fruitfull live.

Please take care and Please do not have anything to do with this man.

Best wishes, good luck

4 answers

This man tore my world apart once, I can not go through that again.

Hello Been, I feel your dilemma, You did the absolute right thing to protect your children from this man and should be applauded as I know for a fact, given your own past, how hard it was. I can't change your feelings, but can only remind you of what you said about having him come back in your life and cause you even more misery than before, just by association. I think you would be well served to seek counseling, and save yourself anymore trauma, by moving on with your life without him in it. Get healthy and seek to be happy.

Thank you,Taliman for a well thought out and well written piece of advise. I think I already knew the right answer I was only confused for a short time but was egged on to defend why I was torn to those that seek to send authorities and pain upon me for asking a question!

No I don't need anyone's permission to feel something. But acting on it may hurt my daughter or my grandkids in the future in the future and I would never want to do that. I guess I was just looking for a sounding board so I could decide if it was worth the risk. I never expected it to be so one sided however. I assumed that since child molestation was so common that there would be others out there with my delimma.
Hello BEEN THERE.

Unfortunately, when you come to a free website with the problem that you are posing you are going to get anyone's and everyone's response. I think the gut reaction by some here is very understandable, especially if they have been subjected to abuse in one way or another. So, please excuse and try to ignore the abusive responses. Responding back to these responses, won't help you get the answer you are seeking.

Honey, I don't believe you are going to receive a response here from someone who has been in your shoes and took the guy back years later. Those are women who are in a very limited minority, and I am not aware of anyone here on this forum who has done so. I think you need to consider yourself for the answer you are seeking. Please don't rely on what someone else has done during their life. This really has to do with you and your relationship with your daughter. I know you feel love for the guy, but I think you have touched on something in this quote of yours which I pasted here in my response. Have you spoken to your daughter about how this would make her feel? If you have a close relationship with her, she may very well feel betrayed and hurt to the core, by your even considering this. You have to consider the very good possibility that if you get together with this man, you will have very limited contact with your daughter (if any at all), and you can definitely be assured of rarely seeing your grandchildren (if at all). So, do you think this man is worth that risk? Are you prepared to have your daughter possibly cut you out of her life and your grandchildren's lives? I know that as we get older, it can get lonely when everyone is grown and out of the house. But please, don't trade off the relationship with your daughter so that you can have a relationship with this man. I think that should be your priority in making such a decision. One of the things that you brought up is that so far, it isn't known if this man has done anything akin to what happened years ago since his release. You need to accept the research that has been done on this which is it really is very rare for a pedophile to change, even with years of counseling. They don't necessarily have intercourse with their victims. He might have touched another child inappropriately and just didn't get caught out. He won't tell you the truth. They never do. I think you really need to let this guy go. If you give this some hard thought, you will realize that if you get together with him, in the back of your mind you will always wonder if you see him carrying on a conversation with a child or teen, whether he is thinking about touching them. Not a comfortable way to live the remainder of your life, In my opinion. You need to find someone to fall in love with who you know beyond a shadow of a doubt is completely trustworthy when left with your grandchildren. For you to post your question on this forum, tells me that you aren't sure of that with this man. So, I think you know the answer to your question.

Dear BEEN,

I would like you to read this thread from a member who WAS molested as a child. It may help give you some perspective as far as how the feelings of the person molested works.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/other-family-people/concerned-safty-son-74369.html

Now, I agree you did a very brave thing those many years ago and removed your child from the situation and reported it to the proper authorities. That in and of itself shows how strong of a person you can be.

I too wonder if you have discussed the possibility of resurrecting this relationship with your daughter. You said in one of your posts that you are the victims here. We have to wonder why you would want to place your grandchildren in that role and continue to be victimized as well. Putting your grandchildren at risk would be considered child endangerment.

For 4answers:

While I understand your feelings on this matter, we cannot report a crime that she is intending to commit. You see, she has not yet put the children at risk, she is only contemplating it at this point in time.

To ring the police and tell them that she is THINKING of committing child endangerment is actually laughable. If we were tried and convicted for every crime we ponder, many of us would be wasting away in the big house right now.

Now, please go read the thread I provided so you understand the feelings of the child who was molested. It may put an entire new spin on your thoughts and desires for this man.

Dear BEEN,

I would like you to read this thread from a member who WAS molested as a child. It may help give you some perspective as far as how the feelings of the person molested works.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/other-family-people/concerned-safty-son-74369.html

Now, I agree you did a very brave thing those many years ago and removed your child from the situation and reported it to the proper authorities. That in and of itself shows how strong of a person you can be.

For 4answers:

While I understand your feelings on this matter, we cannot report a crime that she is intending to commit. You see, she has not yet put the children at risk, she is only contemplating it at this point in time.

To ring the police and tell them that she is THINKING of committing child endangerment is actually laughable. If we were tried and convicted for every crime we ponder, many of us would be wasting away in the big house right now.

.

To Been: We are all very proud that you did the right thing at the time, and fully know how hard that would have been. Remember you did this for a reason and the reason still stands.

Also remember that manipulative people can work their way back into our lives and play with our feelings and emotions. I do not know if that is the case or not. But something to be wary off.

I do not doubt for a minute that in your own mind if you were to take the person back that you would think you would not be committing child endagerment. But regretably you would be, it takes seconds to abuse a child and damage them for life. Can you really say you could watch out for this 24/7 and is that a relationship or a sentence.

The very fact of your past actions in doing the right thing indicates that you would be very mindfull of re offence. The reletionship you had with this man was destroyed by him, not you. If you take him back, it is a totally different relationship ! One were his past actions will always be on your mind and were it will have a negative effect on your familly.

You were like many people directly or inderectly a victim of child abuse. Not your fault and no blame on you, but do you not owe it to yourself to be in a normal loving relationship with a normal person.

I hope you make the right choice and remember we are here to help.

4 answers

Have you spoken to your daughter about how this would make her feel?

Unfortunately, yes. I wish I had come here first. We are very close and I do little without discussing it with her.
She actually said that she had forgiven him years ago. When I said she had had no contact with him that was only 90% accurate. She has run into him at her brothers Baptism, graduation, or other important events. Although he didn't sit anywhere near us. She knew he was there. Sometimes she is uncomfortable, other times not. You see victims have mixed feelings too. He was her stepfather and they were extremely close in her youth. The victims lose their loved ones on top of having trust issues and other issues. Through the years she has hated him, tolerated him, and been jealous of her brother for all the good that he got when she had gotten the bad. Experienced every emotion there is. It was unfair of me to ask. Of course she said she was fine with it, she just wants her mother to be happy and I am sure after thinking about it- she would have said that no matter what she really felt and like for me that could change tomorrow. It was a selfish move wanting to have her blessing and bringing the subject up. Children already have guilt complexes, thinking they are partially responsesible for breaking the family up, and I justed added fuel to the fire. You are all right a relationship could never be, but how do you just stop caring after 30years. It is not as easy as you all make it seem. Every person has good and bad in them and I have been there for the worst but also years of good not just since but before. And personally for me I am glad that I have always had my father in my life and that I wasn't told at an early age. And for my son, I am glad he got to know his father and NOT that the only thing he knew of him was that he was a child molester. How would that be on a persons subconscious. Always wondering if he was sick could you be too and thinking you were unloved because he never came to see you. I actually fought his visitation the first couple of years but it was explained to me by councilers that if supervised it was better for the child. I don't know how I could have done things any better

Unfortunately, you could not have done things any better. You did the best you could have.

Now, you are right in that your daughter wants to see her mother happy, so she will say what she thinks you want to hear.

Did you read the link I provided above? If not, it would be wise of you to do so as it shows the true feelings of the adult who was molested as a child.

How do you stop the feelings? You don't you can't. Yes, you experienced both good and bad. It is easier to hold on to the good and suppress the bad. But suppression is unhealthy. You must acknowledge (and I know you do) what he did and how he ruined your daughter's precious childhood.

Now, let me ask you this (all hypothetical of course)... If I came here asking what to do about an abusive husband... he beats me, threatens me with guns, rapes me when he wants sex, beats the children when they don't behave... what would you tell me to do? Would you tell me to stay? What if I told you I loved him... Would you tell me to stay? I would hope not.

You see, people like this (my hypothetical man as well as your ex) are master manipulators. They know how to push buttons to get what they want. We have to be strong enough and smart enough to know what they are doing.

I really hope you do not choose to remain a victim and put your grandchildren, precious cargo that they are, in harms way.

How do you stop the feelings? You don't you can't. Yes, you experienced both good and bad. It is easier to hold on to the good and suppress the bad. But suppression is unhealthy. You must acknowledge (and I know you do) what he did and how he ruined your daughter's precious childhood.

You see, people like this (my hypothetical man as well as your ex) are master manipulators. They know how to push buttons to get what they want. We have to be strong enough and smart enough to know what they are doing.

I really hope you do not choose to remain a victim and put your grandchildren, precious cargo that they are, in harms way.

I can't agree with this more !

For good people its very hard to understand and accept the evil in others, especially family members. I speak from personal experience of a manipulative parent. Not on the same scale as this but £9,000 worth of debt and a possible jail sentence for tax arrears. All down to the manipulation of a family member who I could not see as being bad. Because I didn't want to accept it ! But I had to in the end and now I see the person for their true nature and I am thankful that I stopped things when I did. Or I would have been locked up.

Once you final accept the true nature of the person, then you see through the manipulation and the discept.

No, I would not tell you to stay. But if 15 years later after much counceling and continued friendship with the man and a clean past, you said you wanted to try it again, and there was nobody to hurt but yourself. I would try to talk you out of it but support you decision. Unfortunately in my case there are still people that could get hurt.

Hense my next question:
If these people can never be allowed to go to church(kids) or a ballgame, or never buy a house, because someone can get a daycares license and make them move tomorrow, Never find decent employment, Never have friends or a girlfriend( Yes there is a law on the books that if you have more than two dates with someone you must tell them your offense. That is not enough time to get close so who would keep going out withone) what can their quality of life be? And if they are all so unchangeable and can not have a life anyway, why not just kill them when they are found guilty. (Of course in his case, he pled guilty)Yes it is a hypothetical, political question that nobody can answer. But although in my case you have convinced me not to do anything, I am still not convinced that all pedafiles are beyond redemption. My father is living proof that people can contol their actions even if you can not fix the mind.

Hello.

There is a lot of questions that needs to be asked before you can even think about a relationship with this Man. Some of them are how do your kids feel about him now, are you 110% sure he has not done this again, Are you sure your in Love or are you wanting what he took from you and don't see that. This is only a few questions that would have to be answered.

I honestly don't feel that a person can be cured of this but I don't know all the information so I'm not going to say he isn't.

Dennis777

Hello

You Said "People can control their actions even if they can't fix the mind..."

Your right you can't fix them and all it will take is a drink or something to set them off and then how do you deal with it this time. At least last time you didn't know what if its your grandchild or a little girl down the road.

Hense my next question:
If these people can never be allowed to go to church(kids) or a ballgame, or never buy a house, because someone can get a daycares license and make them move tomorrow, Never find decent employment, Never have friends or a girlfriend( Yes there is a law on the books that if you have more than two dates with someone you must tell them your offense. That is not enough time to get close so who would keep going out withone) what can their quality of life be? And if they are all so unchangeable and can not have a life anyway, why not just kill them when they are found guilty. (Of course in his case, he pled guilty)Yes it is a hypothetical, political question that nobody can answer. But although in my case you have convinced me not to do anything,

Do you believe in capital punishment ! You take a life you lose your life !
An abuser destroyes the lives of their victims, imo their lives deserve to also be destroyed. But I do not make the law, but what I will say for you to consider is that you have seen the responces to the abuse on here, you see the responce to abuse on tv and the vigilanti responce to this. If people around him no he is an abuse he to will be abused. Such is the nature of his crime. His actions, His choices, his sickness, his decision to be treated. No one elses. (a relationship is sharing - can you support him through this, does he deserve it !).


I am still not convinced that all pedafiles are beyond redemption. My father is living proof that people can contol their actions even if you can not fix the mind.

In my opinion I can't answer this question, I would disagree, but I am not in charge of treating this disorder. But I am prejudice against these people as most people are.

Unfortunately, you could not have done things any better. You did the best you could have.
My thoughts exactly. BT, you did everything right in protecting your daughter. You stood up for her. That is what a responsible mother does. It is a shame that what went on with his niece went on as long as it did. That poor girl was reaching out for love in the only way she knew how and he took advantage of it. Are you really so sure as to exactly what transpired between the two of them? The only people who really know the truth are the two of them. Have you had any contact with this girl and are you sure she would tell you the truth? Are you absolutely positive that he wasn't the one to make the move first? Who molested this girl originally prior to her coming to live with you both? That is what concerns me most about your ex. That is what is staying in the front of my mind. It wasn't just one time. It went on for a while, and he stepped it up by touching your daughter. You said that he "thought she would like it." A mature adult man who is only sexually attracted to adult women doesn't process his thoughts in that way. The thought of sex with a child would repulse him. I am sure that all of the men who have responded to this post of yours will agree with me on that point.

You still love him for the same reasons you originally fell in love with him. That is perfectly understandable. You will always have him in your life because you have a son together. So, due to that, you have never had the chance to sever ties with him. I bet if you didn't have your son, at the time this incident with your daughter occurred, you would have completely cut him out of your life. I think you need to revisit how completely betrayed he made you feel at that time in your life. Get that feeling back. I know people make mistakes and should be forgiven but your daughter will live with this for the rest of her life. His niece will live with it for the rest of her life. The damage is permanent.

Continue to have the cordial and friendly relationship you have with him for the sake of your son. But, you do need to leave it at that. Don't persuade yourself that because everyone is older now, there is a chance at happiness living with this man. His troubles and problems really are not your concern other than, as a friend, you can listen to him. If you choose to sympathize with him about his troubles, that is your choice. He chose his path in life. Yes, he is paying for it every day. He needs to figure out how to move forward on his own. As I said earlier, you wouldn't have posted if you didn't have your doubts, and you will always question his intentions when he is speaking or in the proximity of a young child. That is no way to for you to live or love.

You see, this is why we stress that there are consequences to actions, they committed the heinous crime, so they have to suffer the consequences. Yes, they are branded for life. Can they be rehabilitated? No one can know for certain because we cannot read their minds to know what they may or may not be fantasizing about. They may be able to control their actions, but can't control their thoughts. So, the threat is ALWAYS there.

We do have a sex offender in our area, albeit he did not molest a child, he works in a local restaurant, however, I will not patronize that restaurant.

In my opinion pedophiles are beyond redemption because they took something from a child, innocence if you will, that can never be regained. The trust of that child is gone, never to return as it once was or should be.

I am happy to see that you are beginning to see the light in that how it not only ruins the life of the offender, but of those close the offender, whether it be family or friends. And that ruination is permanent.

My 13 year old still plays with her Polly Pockets and Webkins, I would die if her innocence were stolen from her. It chokes me up just to think about it.

Your father controlled his actions, but you must know that this is not the norm, in all actuality he is probably only one of a few who could control his actions, yet you still don't know if he included these actions in his fantasies. This is where mental illness comes into play with the sexual offender.

There are a lot of ways to exploit a child, and degrees of abuse. A man who brutally rapes a child is not in the same league as a man to secretly takes pictures of children in public or even private. Degrees of sickness... but where does it end? That's the problem. You never know.

So... on one hand I "get" your position as best I can relate. I'm not on the same page as you. You have NO idea where he wouldve gone if he hadn't been caught. I don't take that as his showing self control which wouldve prevented rape... but all that's noise we can't predict. As a father of a young child, and a husband to a woman who was molested, and a son of a woman who was molested, my blood boils pretty hot here. But, like I said, I see your side to some degree.

We are probably more likely to accept that a person can murder, serve their time, and maybe never do it again. We've all been filled with rage. Doesn't mean we condone it, but we can sort of relate to the anger that might drive someone to murder. Sort of.

The problem with molestation is its just hitting so many nerves that people struggle with. My wife cites a study/survey/poll... don't know the numbers and don't know where it came from or where she read it... but men were asked "if you could rape a woman and be guaranteed to get away with it, would you"... and apparently a surprising number said "yes"... sexual urges are something that people, especially men I think, struggle with. But when you start talking about children, its just soooo far out there that I don't think we can relate.

I don't think that means we shouldn't voice an opinion. Being good Christians doesn't mean lowering expectations. And you must have known this was a volatile subject. Just because you have forgiven him doesn't mean everyone else is obligated to do so. You are, as admitted, perhaps swayed by your love for him. What if he had been the neighbor next door and not the man you knew. Would it suddenly be OK to live next to him because your child was grown?

You KNOW I'm not asking these questions to get and answer. They are just the things that complicate the issue.

So to answer your question as best I can... and I haven't so far... well, yes... some relationships that have been terribly broken by a partner can probably be mended with time and healing. Only you can decide if its worth the effort and frustration and potential noise from your family.

As much as my wife loves me, if I did anything like that to her daughter, id be lucky to be alive. And if I was living, I know she would never want anything to do with me... even though the marriage is strong and solid. I just don't think she could ever look her daughter in the face again.

So... do what you want. And like it or not, suck it up a little. You can blame the rest of the world for its being hateful and for not forgiving if that helps you along. I think its just as blind as you think many here are.

I'm not sure BeenThere is still on this thread...

Uh... she was on here 20 minutes ago...

She will be back. Most of us pop in and out on a regular basis.

OK, well, she's getting a healthy response --

I'm going to add this again then.

Dysfunction begets dysfunction. And you are now passing it on.

The belief that he is OK now and love has lasted is nice... and he will not likely fondle anyone (she's too old anyway) but the family will feel the fissure. Case in point. Your quote about your daughter and your EX: "Sometimes she's comfortable. Sometimes she's not..."

That says it all. I don't think the relationship is advisable.

Ungh. So this had nothing to do with whether the OP was gone or not. You just didn't like what I said...

Next time just disagree and get on with it. It will save us from a lot of silly noise.

Personally, I'm not at all comfortable with the situation, but like I said, some relationships can be salvaged. That doesn't mean they should. That doesn't mean its good for the rest of her family, as I already stated in my post.

I'm done posting about this. Sorry it took several posts for you to say you disagree. Absolutely your prerogative.

Next time just give me a "reddie" by disagreeing and stating your point. It's that simple.

I wasn't disagreeing with you.

I was weighing in again because I had not been attentive enough to see that there was still a conversation going I guess.

Keep rockin'

I really feel for the predicament you're in. You probably should have had counseling after this happened your daughter. This man not only violated your daughter, he violated you, your marriage and your trust as well.
Myself, I don't think I would ever be able to trust him again. I would always be wondering if he has hurt another child. The thing that I believe makes it so hard for you is that you grew up with an abuser, so you have this idea they can decide to not do this again. Personally a man that would violate his own child would maybe stay away from that child cause he was caught, but he would find another. I would never trust him around a child of mine ever again.
My advise to you is seek counseling. In a sense you have been violated all your life.
I hope you find peace. Don't let that man worm his way back into your life.

I just wanted to thank you all for your responses. I really needed a good dose of reality. Although it was easier to read and think about the responses that were more civil, many of you attacking me still made great points and I have read and re-read them all. I hope if there is anyone else out there in my situation, you've made it past the first couple of pages and really got some help on the subject too. And believe me when I tell you this, there are a lot more women out there than me confused on the subject. Out of my ex-husbands counciling group of six. Four of the wives stayed married to their man. Hard to believe but unfortunately, true. I think those of us that have had bad experiences in the past just tend to find these losers more than others and it colors or judgement because we think that everyone has there own problems because we have been surrounded by it our whole lives. In my case my mother was raped by her father, my sister by hers, and several friends who also had incidences in their past. To me it seemed that many more people had problems in this area than most people knew of and it made it easier to forgive. Now, I think it may be like victims of physical abuse who end up finding a man that beats them. We subconsciously seek out what we know. I still believe that people are mainly good and believe that most people can be rebilitated if given a fair chance, but am now armed with knowledge and the points of view of others who's perspectives have not been tainted.

My daughter, now 12, just told me she was being molested by my ex-fiance when she was 6! Our justice systems says that even though her story is airtight, there has to be a confession from the abuse (hello.. I haven't spoken to the slug in 5 years or more) or physical evidence. There are neither so we can't prosecute. The hurt and anger that I feel right now is devastating so naturally your question is making my skin crawl!

My reply to you-Pedophilia is not a flaw that can be overcome, it is a serious DEFECT! If you think his "craving" was satisfied with your daughter, your wrong! Chances are, he did it before your daughter and has done it since because there is NO CURE! Please ask yourself "How could I lay next to a man that is attracted to children" say it out loud.

You don't need him back, you need closure. Get help now! A mother's job is to protect her child at all costs! And one more thing I want you to ask yourself OUT LOUD, "HOW WOULD YOUR DAUGHTER REACT IF SHE READ YOUR QUESTION??

I just wanted to thank you all for your responses. I really needed a good dose of reality. Although it was easier to read and think about the responses that were more civil, many of you attacking me still made great points and I have read and re-read them all. I hope if there is anyone else out there in my situation, you've made it past the first couple of pages and really got some help on the subject too. And believe me when I tell you this, there are alot more women out there than me confused on the subject. Out of my ex-husbands counciling group of six. Four of the wives stayed married to their man. Hard to believe but unfortunately, true. I think those of us that have had bad experiences in the past just tend to find these losers more than others and it colors or judgement because we think that everyone has there own problems because we have been surrounded by it our whole lives. In my case my mother was raped by her father, my sister by hers, and several friends who also had incidences in their past. To me it seemed that many more people had problems in this area than most people knew of and it made it easier to forgive. Now, I think it may be like victims of physical abuse who end up finding a man that beats them. We subconsciously seek out what we know. I still believe that people are mainly good and believe that most people can be rebilitated if given a fair chance, but am now armed with knowledge and the points of view of others who's perspectives have not been tainted.

We all wish you well, sometimes a harsh but true response is needed to break a cycle of someone's thought processes. We all know hostages can fall in love with their captors, but its not normal or healthy and therefore its important for the captors to be brought out of the cycle of thought that led them to that. I hope, and think we have achieved that. As for reabilitation of molesters, I personally do not believe it is possible but I would love it to be. It is for this reason why I do not take vigilante action against these people even thought the feelings are there. I leave it up to the proffesionals and the authorities.

But like all things in life what the authorities can achieve is limited and they need our help due to personal responsibility... Like crime prevention and Neibourhood watch ! Therefore I believe it is each our own responsibility to protect those who cannot protect themselves. I applaud you for protecting your children. Unfortunately until there is a cure for this illness, that protection and vigilance Must continue.

I wish you well and thank you for seeking our help, I trust you will continue to help us in our times of need.

4 answers.

I for one, applaud your courage, and your actions, in saving your child from a life few can understand, as I have seen the devastation of entire families, because of a child being molested and had no help, and ended up in jail, on drugs, and with little means of getting their lives back. Worst of all the molested far to often become the molester. You are as much a victim as your daughter, and I hope you receive the help you need to get whole, and healthy again.

I applaud your courage for not only getting rid of the man but for coming forward with this question. I wish you nothing but the best as you deserve nothing but the best.

Please feel free in anytimes of weakness or lonliness that make you want this man back in your life to contact us for reasurance and support.

Our dose of reality might be harsh, but it is a 100% caring does of reality. Hard to hear the truth, easy to run from it when you hear it. But it takes courage to face, accept and deal with it.

Well done you.

4 answers.

"HOW WOULD YOUR DAUGHTER REACT IF SHE READ YOUR QUESTION??

Funny you should ask? Obviously you haven't read all of the answers or you would know while thinking about this I actually already asked her how she would feel. Since the damage had already been done I sent her a link to this site so she could read for herself. I honestly felt like if she read the conclusion to it she would understand where my head was and perhaps stop the cycle. I certainly don't want her accepting anything short of perfection from her mate!

You know the sad irony is that the perverts are just selfish people with a twisted faulty sexual desire. And there actions are not that of someone who cares about other people or the damage they cause but only their own selfish sexual gratification. It is however the NORMAL people like us who suffer at the hands of these people. Normal people who are not selfish and care about the well being of others.

Why should we care about someone who knows the damage their actions will cause to not only their victims, but to everyone else around them and instead of putting others first will go ahead anyway. We should not care ! We should not protect them ! And we certainly should not love them !

The love of decent people is earned not given. Don't give these freaks of nature any love.

To the Perverted Abnormal Freaks reading this, you should find this embarrassing and humiliating If you don't then you know without doubt that you are a SICK !

Today I am going to decide not to touch that child. Today I am going to decide not to have sex !

ITS NOT A HARD THING TO DO. YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE... GET HELP

Hello:

People who hurt children suck... It's very popular to hate these people nowadays. I don't like 'em much myself. However, I think you're missing the boat.

I guess lots of us think that if we keep doing the things we do to "sex offenders" that we REALLY ARE safer. I suppose that it's an illusion government has to project. However, in the real world, your children are no safer by doing what we're doing.

As I alluded to earlier, I think you (America) are fooling yourself by concentrating on "sex offenders".

I'm not a member of YOUR class of society. I'm a member of THEIR class - the underworld. I know who they are. You don't. There are MANY more dangerous people living amongst you than "sex offenders".

Why don't you require a robber registry? What about those nasty burglars? I haven't even mentioned muggers or, god forbid, murderers. Wouldn't you like to know where those people live too?

excon

4answers & excon, I completely understand the anger & frustration you feel, and the desire to get your personal opinions across, but please remember this is not your platform and you are both beginning to veer off topic. We are here on this thread solely to help BEEN THERE with her problem.

Hello again, answerdude:

I justified WHAT crime?? I think you need to read it again, Dude!

excon

Hello again, answerdude:

I justified WHAT crime???? I think you need to read it again, Dude!

excon


My apologies. Yes there are people who do a lot worse damage than sex offenders. Drug pushers for example. My point was that all of these people should be delt with the same. Ie Punished then Rehabilitated if possible.

This topic is about a problem with a sex offender, not other criminals. Seems to me that if you want a platform, start a topic. I don't see the point of whining on this one.
I have no respect for criminals PERIOD. But pedophiles are the lowest of the low. They prey on innocent children. IMO they should be hung.

We need to stick to helping BEEN THERE with her problem. Everything else should not be open for discussion here. Sorry, but those are the rules on this site. We need to help the poster and not get into our personal agendas or opinions.

So, BEEN THERE, how are you doing? Is there anything else you want to talk about or do you want to turn this thread into a political or legal discussion? It really is up to you.

I stand corrected.

Well I am going threw it now, What you went threw- life is to short and you deserved someone who cares enough, It's not a mistake what he did but weeks of thinking before he did it. Take a chance date enjoy yourself, grand kids are next enjoy them when they come into your life. If you go back with him you miss out on your family. I have a question was it hard to let your kids see him if you did.

Well i am going threw it now, What you went threw- life is to short and you deserved someone who cares enough, It's not a mistake what he did but weeks of thinking before he did it. Take a chance date enjoy yourself, grand kids are next enjoy them when they come into your life. If you go back with him you miss out on your family. I have a question was it hard to let your kids see him if you did.


No because I haven't it was just a thought. These good people have shown me the error of my ways.
And as for a political forum
If I thought we could hash it out and come to an agreement on what is fair and the government would act on it I would love to hold one. But since That is never going to happen it is pointless.
But in my opinion !st time offenders 5yrs, 5yrs probation part of which would demand 5 years of counciling, 10 yrs on the registry
2nd offense-Death

2nd offense-Death

WOW, really strong coming from you. But, my question is, should we give them a second chance to take the innocence of a child?

Don't get me wrong, I am all for the death penalty in certain instances, but is death really the answer?

I guess this brings us back to the political arena doesn't it?

Been There.

Without going political or without going into individual views (Both of which I am guilty of). I hope we have been of help to you and any others going through this trumatic and confusing experience.

I am kind of in the same situation. My boyfriend molested my 10 year old daughter. I still have love for him. I feel guilty feeling this way, but how to you force love out of your heart. He will probably go to prison as his trial is in October. My husband died two years ago and I started seeing this guy and fell in love with him. After he molested my daughter I wanted to kill him and I hated him. After awhile I feel that I love him again. It really is an unhealthy situation. Stress, Guilt, Shame, Humiliation. In all reality, he sucks. He is a creepy child molester. But on the other hand, what the heck are you supposed to do. Probably just let him go and get over it. Time does heal all wounds.

My hear goes out to you as well Frianne. I hope ypu both find a away to deal with this violation of trust.

Thank You... I appreciate your kind words...

How can you love a child molester? They looked at child with lust in their minds and acted on it. What is to love about someone like that? They cheated on you, with your child? When they were having sex with you they were probably dreaming about your child. Just waiting for the moment that they could be alone with them, you were just a nuisance an inconvience to deal with, until they could get your child alone. How many moments were they gazing in your eyes just waiting for a chance to get to your child? How can you find a person like that sexually attractive? What could you find to talk about? Would you be proud with them walking down the street with you? Could you ever trust them around a child again? Tell me what is there to possibly love about someone that deceived you and slipped behind your back and did evil things to your baby and destroyed her innocence and trust in mankind. Please tell me I really want to know. Do you not understand that they are fake. That everything they did was an act from the beginning till the end. They enjoyed what they did to your child that is why they did it. They knew it was wrong that is why they did the molesting without anyone's knowledge. They were not sorry, they did not confess, Did they? They did not seek help before they acted out, Did they? People say molesters are sick. I say phooey sick people get help they go to doctors etc and ask for help. Evil people play out their fantasys, and expect their victims to enjoy it. In my opinion an island full of child sexual predators or death would be a good option for them. I say keep them away from children regardles of where they live. I say 1 strike and your out.

They cheated on you, with your child? When they were having sex with you they were probably dreaming about your child. Just waiting for the moment that they could be alone with them, you were just a nuisance an inconvience to deal with, until they could get your child alone. Do you not understand that they are fake. That everything they did was an act from the beginning till the end. .

I guess that reading the post from the people who had / have feelings for a child molester. Two things spring to mind.

1. The partners of the molesters do not look at children in the same way as the molester and have in all fairness difficulty in relating to these people. Because we all know it is a sickness this might lead the partners to falsely see things in the wrong way, due to confused emotions. Therefor these people might see this as a an uncontrolled sickness as opposed to cheating ! (Wrong way to view it, misguided and dangerous, but I can see where you get this).

Now taking the sex act with a child out of the equation for the moment ! (bear with me). If you are with a person and they cheat on you with another - stranger - friend or even a family member... That is cheating, a betrayal of trust and reason alone to end the relationship. REMEMBER THIS - THEY HAVE CHEATED ON YOU...

Now the sick perverts do not consider the act of sex with a child wrong, therefore the act of cheating on you was planned and calculated.

2. The fact that this person is fully aware that their actions are not normal and will cause permanent damage to the person who they FORCE the relationship on and yet they still continue only proves that all they care about is their own selfish needs. Instead of getting help they will destroy the lives of you and your family. Who wants to love someone like that.

My parents stayed together after my Dad molested my sister. Of course it was a different time and it was not reported. We all grew up loving each other and forgiving the flaws and we all grew to be normal productive citizens. Then I married a man who molested my daughter. I called social service, had him arrested, and divorced him. But the love I feel though changed has never died and my kids are all grown. Can a relationship after the fact still work? Is anybody out there trying it. This man tore my world apart once, I can not go through that again. Is anybody out there making it work?
Please excuse me, but i thought it was common sense that when you bring a child into the world they are the number one priority. If you don't know this, then you should've never have brought a child into to this world. Hmm, a happy & healthy child or mommy finding love, give me a break lady.

Selfish selfish selfish, you have no right having children. Get your mind right.

Thank you for being brave enough to post this question. You are helping anyone out there who might have the same problem.

I think it's not that you love him, but I do believe that you feel/think you love him. This is because you are probably lonely in the relationship department. You don't seem to have any man in your life right now… this is guessing on my part.
You seem to have never mentioned being with another guy since the pedophile. Why? Has there been another guy? I'm talking about something serious here.
If not, this can play a serious factor in why you still want this man: he is the last memory you associate with being in a guy's arms and having a relationship. If this is the case, then maybe it's not only your daughter that has a tad bit of discomfort or trust issues…
You probably also see him as a guy who shows you he will always love you... but believe that a part of this is because he doesn't really have a choice. There's no where to go for him. He is using you. This is because it's hard to get a woman to love you when you have a record of touching young children. Also, believe that if he had the choice of having a child partner instead of you, he would do so (I mean he even wanted your daughter, knowing that this could potentially end things with you). In the end, what I'm saying is, don't be fooled by any affection you feel from him.

Also, I believe you should ponder on this: do you think you can do better than a child molester? Do you think you can find someone better than this man? I believe you can, but if you bring him back into your life, trust that it will hurt these chances.

I will tell you why there is more support for families with drug abuse and alcoholics (you questioned something like this and why there isn't support for families who have a molester amongst them).

Let's take a look at alcoholics for example: these people are thought of having a disease because they can barely function with their family at times, they miss work or come in as a mess at times, they've been known to act-up in front of people, or etc. And thus they lose control, to the point that they don't really hide their illness in public anymore…

Now, something very different about child molesters is that they try in everyway to hide what they do to their victims. They go behind peoples backs, tell the children they hurt to stay quiet, and they NEVER make-out with a kid in public.

See the difference now?

They know very well what they are doing is wrong, and have enough self control to be model citizens in public. If they are so sick, why do they not start kissing their victim in front of you? They don't because they “can control it”. BUT when they are behind closed doors, they suddenly “choose” to kick off their shoes and to “not control” it…
To me, this is a person who knows what they are doing.

Believe me that your ex knew what he was doing was wrong, knew it could mean losing you (his wife), BUT, he decided to take his chances because he just couldn't resist touching your child. So, he actually thought for that moment that losing you was worth taking a taste of a child. He's not daft is he? I mean he did know who the mother of the child was right?

Your karma and your family's karma will be ruined for life if you embrace a child molestor.

Why?

I am not usually so dogmatic, but it's wired into them. Catholic priests make a vow to god and still can't stop themselves...

If you "love" them, it's your problem - not theirs. Deal with it alone or you will suffer.

This is not a religious issue to me or even a judgement. It's just a fact.

Pedophiles are broken human that brings pain - forever.

GET AWAY. Sorry :-(

My parents stayed together after my Dad molested my sister. Of course it was a different time and it was not reported. We all grew up loving each other and forgiving the flaws and we all grew to be normal productive citizens. Then I married a man who molested my daughter. I called social service, had him arrested, and divorced him. But the love I feel though changed has never died and my kids are all grown. Can a relationship after the fact still work? Is anybody out there trying it. This man tore my world apart once, I can not go through that again. Is anybody out there making it work?
Well I believe you need to stay away from this man,he not only hurt you daughter but this man can affect the second generation, your precious grandchildren. What's not to say he's thinking about that.

Also have you figure out what's causing you to attract this kind of people in your live.
Are you to nice , get some help fast because your daddy had open a door that you need to shut-down for ever.

"Also, have you figure out whats causing you to attract this kind of people in your live. ( SP= "Life")...

Good question....Dennisse.

Look at your childhood and relationship with your parents - divorce, alcohol, abuse, estrangement, death... or violence can cause us to do things we are are not even aware of - accepting dyfunction in our lives

I think its really important and brave that you are asking these questions but to be honest having read this thread I really think you should seek professional psychological help to lok at the experiences in yr past which have come to this place where you can understand the emotional relationship with someone who has damaged your children in terms of love.

People often have a habit of repeating the situations they grew up with. This can range from good, secure role models to insecure role models (like I've followed) to really messed up and dysfunctional ones (like you have probably followed). Coming to terms with this and understanding it will take professional help.

I wish you well on this journey

My parents stayed together after my Dad molested my sister. Of course it was a different time and it was not reported. We all grew up loving each other and forgiving the flaws and we all grew to be normal productive citizens. Then I married a man who molested my daughter. I called social service, had him arrested, and divorced him. But the love I feel though changed has never died and my kids are all grown. Can a relationship after the fact still work? Is anybody out there trying it. This man tore my world apart once, I can not go through that again. Is anybody out there making it work?
I am not excaltly in your shows yet. Let me start with this. I married a man who turned out to be a child molester and he molested my daughter, his step-daughter, he molested others as well. I never knew, for 5 years my daughter went through hell, but at the same time she was happy, well that is what I thought. My life has been turned upside down, it has completely devastated me, because one I still love him and two I want him to pay for what he has done and admit what he has done to ALL his victims. This is still very raw to me, I just found out in August 2007. He plead guilty and got 40 years. I just went and seen him in jail for the first time since his arrest in August. He at first denied he did all he did, but the next day when I went back to see him, he told me he did it all and wants help and needs help and he also told me he was molested by an uncle when he was a child. I am so confused, do I believe him? Can he change, no, but if he sticks by what he says, and stays in therapy for the rest of his life, and have strong faith in Jesus, he can get help and control his impulses. He told me he never meant to hurt anyone, that he don't understand or know why he did it. I love him still and it hurts and I feel like I am betraying my daughter and his other victims by feeling this way and hoping he will get help. Is that wrong of me? Do I stay married to him, I don't know, that is why I am here looking for answers too, it is a horrible, life changing experience no one deserves to go through. What can we do? I made a support group on Yahoo, please come check it out and join and together we can support each other... lets talk, OK? I wish there was more help out there for child molesters, no matter what they've done, they are still human, they need help and if they don't want it or pretend they do, but really don't and become repeat offenders, then they deserve to spend the rest of their lives in prison, but if they want and willing to do anything to change and get help, then they should have that right, at least. I know people may think I am sick to stand up for a child molester, but I know deep down he is a good man and that he needs help, if I am wrong, then I'm wrong, I have to have that little bit of hope, for the sake of my daughter we had together. Anyway, please go check out my site. God bless and believe me I feel your pain, I do.

mothersagainstchildmolesters : Mother's Against Child Molesters (http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/mothersagainstchildmolesters/)

I am not excaltly in your shows yet. Let me start with this. I married a man who turned out to be a child molester and he molested my daughter, his step-daughter, he molested others as well. I never knew, for 5 years my daughter went through hell, but at the same time she was happy, well that is what I thought. My life has been turned upside down, it has completely devasted me, because one I still love him and two I want him to pay for what he has done and admit what he has done to ALL his victims. This is still very raw to me, I just found out in August 2007. He plead guilty and got 40 years. I just went and seen him in jail for the first time since his arrest in August. He at first denied he did all he did, but the next day when I went back to see him, he told me he did it all and wants help and needs help and he also told me he was molested by an uncle when he was a child. I am so confused, do I believe him? Can he change, no, but if he sticks by what he says, and stays in therapy for the rest of his life, and have strong faith in Jesus, he can get help and control his impulses. He told me he never meant to hurt anyone, that he don't understand or know why he did it. I love him still and it hurts and I feel like I am betraying my daughter and his other victims by feeling this way and hoping he will get help. Is that wrong of me? Do I stay married to him, I don't know, that is why I am here looking for answers too, it is a horrible, life changing experience no one deserves to go through. What can we do? I made a support group on yahoo, please come check it out and join and together we can support each other...lets talk, ok? I wish there was more help out there for child molesters, no matter what they've done, they are still human, they need help and if they don't want it or pretend they do, but really don't and become repeat offenders, then they deserve to spend the rest of their lives in prison, but if they want and willing to do anything to change and get help, then they should have that right, at least. I know people may think I am sick to stand up for a child molester, but I know deep down he is a good man and that he needs help, if I am wrong, then I'm wrong, I have to have that little bit of hope, for the sake of my daughter we had together. Anyway, please go check out my site. God bless and believe me I feel your pain, I do.

mothersagainstchildmolesters : Mother's Against Child Molesters (http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/mothersagainstchildmolesters/)
While I respect the pain you are facing, I have no sympathy for adults who ruin the lives of children. If they were so miserable, they'd seek help before they harm more children rather than crying after they have been caught.
There is no way, I'd stay married to a man who harmed my child. That's like telling your child it's excusable and your love for him is stronger than your love for your child.
At any rate, I wish you peace in this.

Thank you for your post, but I never said that my love for him is stronger then the love of my child. I will never get back with him, but in time I will forgive him. I can't answer why he never got help, I can not speak for him, all I want is closure. When I met him he changed my life around, he helped me with my own demons, meanwhile he had his own. I have no ideal how he did it. I know he was a , a lair, a monster, but no matter what he did, he is still human. No he has no right to be crying now, of course he will cry now because only after being caught did it hit him what he has done. He has 40 years to sit and think about the pain he has caused to so, so, many people. I have no sympathy for him or his mother because of many other things she has done and said to me and my children. All I am speaking about is my 5 year old daughter we had together, yes even though he is a sick man and a child molester, he is still and always will be her father. Yes I know I need help and I have been in therapy for the past 3 months, all of us have, meaning my children and me. I am trying to get to the root of why I still love him and why I feel sorry for him, I know I shouldn't, but I do and I can not help that right now. I know what he has done to my child, I lived through it myself as a child I too was molested and now I married one and continued the cycle. I feel horrible about what has happened, I feel to blame because I never seen it, he hide it so well. I don't know what to do, I am not looking to set him "free", I want him to suffer in prison and serve his time, but I also want him to get the help he needs, if he truly wants it, that is all. Anyway, thank you again, I knew no-one will understand what I went through and what I am going through unless you lived in my shoes, unless you lived my life. I don't want , I want answers, I want help with coping with this and I have looked and looked and asked and asked and no-one has offered any, I can't find anyone to help. I am on the verge of being homeless, I can't find work, my bills are due and I can't pay them and the wonderful world I live in has also closed the door on me. I received help from a place called Hope Harbor, it's a victim's advocate place, last month and I called my advocate again asking for help telling them I may be forced to move back home, the place I left to start over and get away from my problems and you know what she tells me, oh well we can't help you no-more because you are un-stable, because I haven't found a job and not sure if I am going to stay here. Isn't that so nice of them, meanwhile my husband has no worries. I was so confused, I had no-where to go, no-one to turn to. I live on the same property as my husband parents, his mother took his side and believed him when he said he didn't do all he was accused of and guilty of. She had my phone shut off, my internet account closed, she called my daughter a lair. This is a woman I use to call my second mother, both her and her son has betrayed me, we are the victims and look what is happening to my children and me. And to make matters worse, my husband has made "trustee" and he has some special privileges. So, again, NO I have no sympathy for him, I pity him, I love him because he, no matter what kind of evil monster he is, helped make me the person I am today and he gave me a beautiful baby that I will never regret having with him. He didn't fit the profile of a child molester, he didn't go looking online, never used the computer, he never had keepsakes of his victims, so on, so forth, but I guess because he had it all handed to him by me when I moved in with him and then married him. I was so naïve, so stupid, so blinded by the love he showed me, because the part of him that wasn't a child molester was a good husband and father, I know that sounds horrible and it is and I am probably wrong, but that is how I feel. Well got to go, bye for now.






While I respect the pain you are facing, I have no sympathy for adults who ruin the lives of children. If they were so miserable, they'd seek help before they harm more children rather than crying after they have been caught.
There is no way, I'd stay married to a man who harmed my child. That's like telling your child it's excusable and your love for him is stronger than your love for your child.
At any rate, I wish you peace in this.

Your story really pains me and I hope you receive all the help you need.
He does fit the profile though, they often go after single women with a child, who has problems so they can step in as a savior. They help you out do wonderful things for you all the while scoping your child. They are very clever animals. If he was so regretful and sorry, he'd tell his mother to make sure you and his daughter were taken care of.
I would even venture to say that his mother knows what he does as he has probably done it before.
Continue getting the therapy and help for your children. I wish you and your children peace, resolve and comfort.

PLEASE EXCUSE ME, BUT I THOUGHT IT WAS COMMON SENSE THAT WHEN YOU BRING A CHILD INTO THE WORLD THEY ARE THE NUMBER ONE PRIORITY. IF YOU DON'T KNOW THIS, THEN YOU SHOULD'VE NEVER HAVE BROUGHT A CHILD INTO TO THIS WORLD. HMM, A HAPPY & HEALTHY CHILD OR MOMMY FINDING LOVE, GIVE ME A BREAK LADY.

SELFISH SELFISH SELFISH, YOU HAVE NO RIGHT HAVING CHILDREN. GET YOUR MIND RIGHT.

I agree 100%. How could anyone live with someone like that:mad:

I agree, this woman is seriously deranged

Mine too

I know a lot about this subject. Why? Because I was molested too

Hear, hear!

Are you out of your mind? Or all just illiterate. As I have said the child is grown over 18 and out of the house and We are not even dating This is a love I carry in my heart and have not acted upon at all, which is why I was seeking advise? The only wrong action I have taken was to pour my heart out to a bunch of people who would prefer to sit in judgement and start a lynch mob rather than to listen or give advise. And you call yourself Christians????


Just because you kids are now grown up, doesn't mean that they are OK. I was sexually abuse nearly 30 years ago and it still affects me now.

You know it is a real shame that there are support groups for family members alchoholics or drug addicts but not for pedifiles. In fact, the shame of even being associated with someone that has done this deed keeps people from getting advise or the help that they need. ? It is quite possible that I am crazy as well as the other thousands of people that do still love the members of there family that have done this deed. I personally know a few only because they admitted to me about there brother, father, uncle ect.. after they found out about my ex. It was such a relief for them to talk about there mixed feelings about there loved ones to someone else without shame. But apparently we are all just to be hanged with family members. We are not the ones at fault. We are victims. And your hatred and abuse is why they don't ask for help and my even cause others to run from society and make bad decisions that could endanger children because There ill family members are the only ones they can talk to without scorn. If thinking about something is the same as acting on it and worthy of law officials being called, and people wishing they can jump through internet lines and hurt someone,how many of you would be in jail. My God have mercy on your souls.

Because they don't deserve help

[B][I]Hello BEEN THERE... I know what you are going through, please come visit my group online, so we can chat or e-mail each other... PLEASE!! Just copy and paste this link to your browser. My name is Patti and I am in the same boat as u, being judged, looked down upon, having others say I'm crazy to still love my husband, etc... let's talk. They don't realize it's easier said then done. We can't shut our love off like a light switch, wish we could, boy do I. Come visit my group, please... talk to you later, Patti

mothersagainstchildmolesters : Mother's Against Child Molesters (http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/mothersagainstchildmolesters/)

Wow! I never thought we would go all the places we have gone with this back on page 2 when I proded you for more information. I would like to say that I am sorry to BeenThere for not keeping up with every statement and from what I have just read from over the last few months you were given HELL. I am sorry for not informing you that I am an S.O. (sex offender) that has been through S.O.T.P. (sex offender treatment program) twice once in prison and then again when placed on parole which I have just finished in Sept. I learned a great deal in SOTP . One thing I learned was sexual assult is NOT always about sex it is mostly about power and control. In my treatment I have been give a great many tools that I can use to not reoffend and now that I have got off parole I can now go to a SOTP group any time free and will most likely do so in the future, time and again. In my case I did not get back in touch with the mother of the 15 year old that I assulted and have been told that is very hard to do. I have married again to a woman who knows my case and knew my PO. We have been married over 6 years now. She loves me very much and knows how to keep an eye out on me. I have neices that I have just spent Christmas Day with opening X-mas gifts. Before every one has a cow... our whole family knows I am a SO and no crime has been committed (4answeres!). We have a good life with few restrictions. Jobs are hard to come by, I don't think I will be going to work for the Girl Scouts or school any time soon. I say all this to Beenthere to let her know that I do know the subject to with she is talking about very much. AND I think your relationship should be pined on your daughter. If she don't mind and you love the man then do like my wife and become a chaperon through his SOTP group and learn how he will try and manipulate everyone If he is going to assult some one again. I bet if he spent any time in prison he knows he has to walk the straight and narrow for the rest of his life or will spend the rest of his life in prison. For me 5 and half years on a 15 got me to watch myself real good and my family watches me with the kids and I have had 14 years of SOTP. If you love him I mean really love him and your daughter don't care then who cares what all these people think. Real love only comes around just every once and a while better get some I got mine and THAT love is my strength to stay focused on what's right I thank God for her.

I am divorced from an ex-child molester. My daughter was 9 years old when I discovered what I was married to. I understand your guilt for having any "love" left for the man. I still "love" my ex-husband like I would love a brother because he is the father of my children and I was married to him for 13 years. However, the thought of him touching me in a sexual manner brings on feelings of nausea.

Let me explain that the only reason this man can be called an "ex" child molester is because he is serving a life prison sentence. After I divorced him, he remarried and had 5more kids. His new wife was told that his "crazy ex wife" made that story about him up. When one of their children made an outcry, she still believed in him. The state took their children away and they fought the charges. A Tarrant County Jury convicted him of aggravated sexual assault of a child and sentenced him to life in prison. This is exactly where he needs to be. He was given a second chance after he molested our daughter. He went through several years of counseling. My point is, these men do not stop molesting ever unless they are put in a cage. He knew what kind of damage he was doing to his little girl but chose to go forward for his own selfish gratification.

You say
Can a relationship after the fact still work? Is anybody out there trying it. This man tore my world apart once, I can not go through that again.
Then you ask

Is anybody out there making it work?
Why would you want to make it work?

Often people still have strong feelings for someone no matter how much they wronged them BUT you have to face the fact that they can not be trusted and it is best to keep your love at a distance and not get involved again unless you want to put yourself through more heartache and misery!

When I was a child, my father molested me. My parents were already divorced by then, but I know that if she had ever taken him back after she found out about it I would never have forgiven her.

Honestly I don't know how you could ever even think about taking him back unless you wanted your kid to hate you.

Hope this helps... :-D

My parents stayed together after my Dad molested my sister. Of course it was a different time and it was not reported. We all grew up loving each other and forgiving the flaws and we all grew to be normal productive citizens. Then I married a man who molested my daughter. I called social service, had him arrested, and divorced him. But the love I feel though changed has never died and my kids are all grown. Can a relationship after the fact still work? Is anybody out there trying it. This man tore my world apart once, I can not go through that again. Is anybody out there making it work?

Somehow I can relate to you. I was molested by my Step-Father (a different time and it was not reported due to the fact my mother never believed me, she got rid of me and continued to stay with him) and then I found out that my Husband (Now EX) molested my daughter (which is not his biological daughter) over years, she even was twice pregnant by him and he forced her to have a abortion twice. It happened in a age range where she was 12 - 16. I did not find out until AFTER I was divorced from him. He also was very abusive.

I tried to file charges but the US Army protected him (as always ABUSE in the US Army is always covered up to make them look good).

We got divorced in 2003 and since then I have never dated again and I don't think I ever will again. My daughter needs therapy and I need therapy but who can afford that? My daughter seems to be fine on the outside, but she drinks and when she does she calls me and cries for hours and hours. It kills me that he is also the father of my son and therefore keeps popping in and out of my Life. NO LAWYER in THE USA helps me to bring him down. You can find 1000 lawyers if you have a accident but when it comes to REAL CRIME there are none unless you willing to pay them $ 300 an hour!!

He is the EVIL in person but he lives happily after he destroyed and ruined the kids and me!!

It would take days to write down everything. We were married 18 years (so imagine how long the story is) I loved that man more then my Life and deep down I will always love him (I see him everyday when I look at my son).

He is the greatest MANIPULATOR I know he can talk you into it that all he ever done is somebody's fault and he is God's gift to everyone. I HATE MYSELF for not getting him out of my head. Somehow if you have been abused ALL YOUR life you stop fighting and you just give up. I gave up, I will never ever trust anybody.

So trust me BEEN THERE I understand what you are going through and I would never judge you because I also been there!!

Are you out of your mind? Or all just illiterate. As I have said the child is grown over 18 and out of the house and We are not even dating This is a love I carry in my heart and have not acted upon at all, which is why I was seeking advise? The only wrong action I have taken was to pour my heart out to a bunch of people who would prefer to sit in judgement and start a lynch mob rather than to listen or give advise. And you call yourself Christians????

People who never experienced something like that will never be on your side!

I was abused all my life and tried all my life to break the cycle. I married out of love and I thought he is the man who loves me and will never hurt me.

After only 6 month of marriage he lifted his fists against me. His abuse was always in the hidden. I still tried to stay with him and tried to make it work, after all if you are raised that ALL THE ABUSE IS YOUR OWN FAULT you start to believe that!

If you hear everyday HOW WORTHLESS you are then yes you become WORTHLESS!

Trust me I fought back hard but there was nobody who was willing to help.

And before somebody judges me now "IF YOU NEVER EXPERIENCED IT then don't judge me"

It became quiet and I actually became happy for a couple of years. I NEVER HIT MY KIDS (I know I broke that cycle) My EX did not hit me for over 10 years but then I found out he just whored around and BOOM guess who I blamed? MYSELF...

It is not the physical abuse what broke me it was the mental abuse which I will never heal from.

Then in a split second he got rid of ME and the kids and I suffered. Being a foreigner in this country you get treated like . He kidnapped my kids and it took over 18 months to get them back! By then my daughter was ruined.

She had searched for her real father and ran from bad to worth. HE RAPED my daughter after she tried to tell him what happened to her (Thank god he is locked up for the rest of his life thanks to his ex-wife)!

During that time (when my ex had the kids against my will) he must have molested my daughter ( I did not found out until after I was divorced) He black mailed my daughter for years in order to keep her in line. By the way my daughter is today 25 and I have not seen her in 8 years. We talk on the phone almost everyday but we live to far apart. I raised my son on my own and I HOPE I broke the cycle. My daughter and I never told my son because we do not want to destroy him and hopefully he becomes a better man then his father. I kept everything away from my son but due to this fact he cherishes the ground his father walks on and thinks his father is 100% perfect and my EX is still using that fact, (I better not go into details) knowing I would never ever hurt my son.

I have to stop now...

PLEASE don't judge if someone tries to come forward and seek advice. I would love to get help but can't afford it. Instead I got rid of all friends because I don't trust anyone anymore, I stick to the one person I can trust and that is ME. I have only 2 friends left ( 1 is gay so therefore he is the one man close to me and my best girlfriend who grew up with me but sad she is over 8000 miles away from me) I go to work everyday and put on a mask (smiling & being strong). I could be that person close to you and you think you know me but trust me YOU DON'T KNOW ME