Hi I'm 25 years old and 13 weeks pregnant. I have suffered from bi-polar disorder and severe depression my entire life. I am also a recovering drug addict and alcoholic with over 4 months clean. I have had 3 suicide attempts, 2 of them within the past year. When I found out I was pregnant, I stopped all of my medication and stopped smoking. But I am just so miserable all the time. I don't want to hurt my baby because I love it so much. But I can't stop these horrible thoughts from running through my head that I wish the baby would die so then I could kill myself. I went to the local hospital crisis center 3 nights ago, and they turned me away, stating I was fine. But I'm not! I don't have any money for private counseling and I have no friends to talk to. I tried talking to people in my family but they just don't understand. What can I do? Is there no one out there that can help me?

Honey there is ALWAYS someone, somewhere who will talk to you, I am so sorry you are having these thoughts about hurting yourself and your baby.
But please understand that things will get better and some of these thoughts are caused by the hormones in your body.
Just hang in there for a few more months and when you see that baby you will understand the meaning of Love and you will do anything to keep yourself alive to be here with that baby.
If you EVER need to talk please let me know.

Is there a planned parenthood near you? If not try going to a local church. Where is the father of the baby can he help you? Trying talking to your family again. See if there is a local health department that can help you. Going off your medications is good for the baby but it might be to harmful for you.

You can talk to ME if you want hun. I always listen and will always respond.

I don't want you to feel this way because you think nobody will help you or listen. Trust me, I will, and a lot of others here will too. :)

My advise for you is to find a quiet place and stop all thinking...
Breathe deeply
In and out and concentrate on it for a while.
Don't think about anyone else
Just you and your baby
Imagine with every breathe you take your baby is with you in every heartbeat
Then think of a Higher being
Watching over you and your baby
You are never alone...

http://www.webmd.com/depression/Suicide-Prevention-Helpline
http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/california-suicide-hotlines.html
http://www.sprc.org/featured_resources/trainingandevents/calendar/2005/feb05.asp

If you need support we are all here, you need to discuss,talk about anything and everything we are here.
I am sure some of the members have either gone thorough some of what you are going through too... hopefully they will have more insightful advise for you.

Your body should start producing progestrone, it should produce 400 times more than what your body normally needs, this helps to alter your mood to a happy one. I was always extremely happy during my pregnancys, and I have always suffered from PMS badly since I was 12 years old. Being pregnant you should be able to qualify for some type of medical care through the state. Please do not give up on life, I know that you face some hard times but believe me you can get through them with the proper care. I have never suffered from being addicted to chemicals but I have loved ones that have so I do understand how hard it is to control. The hospital is required by law to help you or send you to a stae run hospital to get you help. Go back there and demand to be seen tell them you are not leaving until you get help! Surely there is something you can take for depression until you have your baby. Keep trying there are solutions for you, be patient.

Is there a pregnancy crisis center or free clinic near you? Lots of women have the same issues you do and just need to have a doctor adjust their meds for pregnancy and/or have a support system put into place. Check the phone book and Google your state's web page that might direct you to health & human services. You would possibly qualify for state aid that will get you the medical attention you deserve.

It might help to keep a journal with your baby. Write letters to him/her, which will help you emotionally relax and bond with your little peanut.

Good luck to you, you have a lot of people here who will be thinking/praying for you. {{HUGS}}