Hello,
I am having quite a difficult time with my soon to be 20 year old daughter... growing up she was a great child, good grades, active with horseshowing, basketball, happy, etc. and to say the least we were very close... I attended all activiites, we got pedicures together and went on mom and daughter shopping sprees... She made it to college on a scholarship, and partied it away!. We did not get upset, just tried to talk to her and help her in her decision for the future, we did let her know we were disappointed, but said she could return to our local college and continue her education there. She now is living back in our hometown, yet not at home... she works as a waitress and is in a relationship with a nice young man... yet, every time I try to talk to her or she calls me, she ends up yelling at me for no apparent reason... I try not to argue with her but she is so hostile! Everything I say no matter what it is she says "whatever" and creates a problem... she even called me a name! She is in counseling because I want our relationship back, but I no longer even know what to say or do... I have tried everything from loving her and trying to talk to her to telling her I will not be treated this way and making her get out of my car! Nothing I do seems to help. What do I do now? Your advice is greatly appreciated...

:rolleyes: Thanks!.

I would just like to say that forcing a relationship on her that you once had is not right and she probably feels that her own personal space is being invaded. She is 20 years old and making decisions about her own life and she needs to live her own life. So with that said. You need to try to be understanding of that and just let her know that you love her and that you support her and that is it. So my advice is GIVE HER, HER SPACE. Love her, be understanding but do not try to force a relationship on her and let her make her own mistakes and decisions in life.

Joe

She's trying to grow up and become more independent. It sounds like you did a good job raising her, but she has to experience a life that her mother can't show her. She seems to be looking for some space and an adult life of her own.

Give it to her, and I'm sure she'll come running back when she needs her mommy again. :) In the mean time, she'll be better off learning some things on her own. Sometimes people that age just need some "down time" before getting serious about college. I didn't go till I was 24 and since I was ready, I really enjoyed it while I watched the younger students struggle. Give her time, she'll appreciate you more for that.

It sounds like she is a bit depressed over her failure. Dealing with you only represents what she didn't accomplish ( she may think). She may hear the disappointment in your voice (that you are not aware of). She simply needs space. Your relationship will not be like it was with a little girl, because now she is a woman. Regardless of how successful, she is still a woman. Don't make suggestions to go out, let her invite you out. It may be months before it happens. YOU have to be busy with your OWN friends and activities. When she sees you don't need her for your companionship, she will talk to you more. They're kids and they think differently than we do. Let her make more mistakes so she can grow more. Demand respect always, settle for nothing less. Don't call her,let her call you. She'll eventually come around. Good luck.

E-mail may be a useful tool, too. If you want to stay in her life, but not "crowd" her too much, you might try just dropping a weekly e-mail to her. Tell her about what's going on in your life, movies you've seen, how the family is, the pets, a new recipe that you tried... you know, just the little stuff in life. The advantage of e-mail is that the daughter can read it when she is ready, and reply if she wants to. It lets her know that you still care, but doesn't put the same stress on her. And she may come to look forward to them, especially if you send them at roughly the same time. And you never know... she may decide to call to get that recipe, or see what you thought about the movie.

She may be ask for help, this could be a problem with her personal life that she feels uncomfortable with addressing.