My gosh.... I wish I had thought of something as wonderful as that!:p You're wise and I love your step-by-step method. Thank you:)

My gosh.... I wish I had thought of something as wonderful as that!:p You're wise and I love your step-by-step method. Thank you:)

Thanks CS. It's a product of... fatigue and a momentary reflection on a full life.
Hope some folks can benefit.

I think I've actually used the step method:D

WOW! You are a very helpful person! THANKS!

Ok, I have followed this.. but now I am confused...

My girlfriend (or should I say, my ex) has texted me twice today to tell me she is thinking about me and she loves me.. should I reply to this?

She also texts me every night to say night and that she loves me..

NO WAY. No response yet.

She will be OK.. I know you are feeling... Mean or something.
But, now you have the power... Like it?
So, now is the time to decide if you can do anything better with her the second time.
Each day that passes you have to ask can you bear another break up AND
Do you even WANT to go out with her at all?

You must wait or you all will immediately cycle BACK to where you were.
I would advise (and I have been through this MANY times) to give this time.
Or until she ever comes up with something concrete that
Makes the past and the future workable. She won't likely come out with an
"i'm sorry..." but a clear willingness to talk and admit some fault or vulnerablity
To you is important. Responding will not help your cause.

Think about the good and the bad of your relationship. You have her back now. Do you really want her?
Ok, next time she texts, writes, calls let me know. This isn't so much about anything but giving yourself
The sanity of mind now to make a clear decision. Breathe - and talk to you soon.

NO WAY. No response yet.

Now you have the power...Like it?
Ok, now is the time to decide if you can do anything better with her the second time.
Each day that passes you have to ask can you bear another break up AND
do you even WANT to go out with her at all??

You must wait or you all will immediately cycle BACK to where you were.
i would advise (and i have been through this MANY times) to give this time.
At least a month - and see if she ever comes up with something concrete that
makes the past and the future workable. She won't likely come out with an
"i'm sorry..." but a clear willingless to talk and admit some fault or vulnerablity
to you is important.

She has already said "sorry but I just need a break, we have met up every day since we started going out and I've been taking advantage of you because we've seen each other that much. I need to realise what I'm missing. I'm sorry and I know I'm treating you like dirt".

So she has already said sorry.. I will give it a few days and then maybe reply to her and say "You're the one who asked for the break, why do you keep texting me?".

Well said now where were you four months ago when I was doing the exact opposite of your wonderful advice she speak wise words people listen closely

Ok DaazaB,

SINCE YOU ARE UNDER 18 I'M NOT Going to INTERFERE IN THIS TOO MUCH.
BUT, LET HER BREATHE - THE "SORRY" CAME WITH A "I NEED TO REALIZE" -- don't forget that. She is a brush fire that only needs a little gasoline to flare up again... take you time.


**JUST REMEMBER: DO WELL IN SCHOOL, FIND A CAREER, AND TAKE CARE OF YOUR HEALTH... IN THE END THAT'S THE BEST WAY TO GET THE BEST GIRLS.

Don't stress too much now. You'll have enough to worry about later. The more you do the above stuff the less stress later... REALLY.

I wish I read this a few weeks back, because than I would have liked to have used steps 1-3. Oh well, step 4 is a start as well.

Hmm.. how is that holding up for you?

This is great advice. Its been about a week and a half since we broke up.
I'm trying my best to follow through but its just so hard.
I haven't contacted my ex and he hasn't contacted me. I get urges to call but I know that will only push him back. I really hope he realizes and comes back around. :(

Ruby07, stay strong. Every time you make contact u lessen your chances of ever winning them back, and u only torture yourself more. I'm in the same boat right now, so I know how hard it is too.

I think this is wonderful advice as well. However during my breakup she mentioned to be strong... will me not contacting her give her the impression that I am strong and doing well (even though I'm a wreck) and make it easier for her to justify her decision?

When you break up, there are so many emotions flying all over the place. You are hurt, angry, dissapointed, was it me? You should not be trying to look for reconciliation, you should be looking towards you. Improve yourself and your life and get on the path to the new you. No contact helps with this...

The future is bright but only if you make it so, don't live in the past, learn from it, or nothing will improve including any relationship with your ex.

I think this is wonderful advice as well. However during my breakup she mentioned to be strong...will me not contacting her give her the impression that I am strong and doing well (even though I'm a wreck) and make it easier for her to justify her decision?

Sorry PAMD,

Maybe Re-read the initial steps. There are rarely words after the first week that can help unless you are on a "break" for a set amount of time... If words MUST be spoken that are vital to a misunderstanding - say it THEN... or months later when you are clearer headed.

I truly believe (based on every happily married couple and every unhappy couple I know) that soulmates/functional couples can survive a break - but how you break is key.

(Breaking a lot, breaking for spite, for sex, for money, for power, for attention, for a mood swing) is not healthy. Breaking because you are hurt, unsure, scared, trying to be practical, for age, or timing, is OK. I think people know if they can last a lifetime but go on and on for the wrong reasons... It's learning the good from the bad is what let's us find the right person. The person who has our back and is a teammate who will sacrifice for us - and us for them...

Communication is very hard at the point of a break. BUT THE BREAK CAN BE AN OPPORTUNITY**
So, try to listen and speak what you need as well. A healthy couple with potential will get through this,
and BENEFIT in time. If they are not to be, this is the opportunity to find the RIGHT person! Not getting buried in confusion, pain and sorrow for too long is the key for realizing this is also an opportunity to meet Mr./Mrs. RIGHT.

Your energy will be strong, so keep your eyes open :-)

After a time on this site and some significant personal relationships, I've compiled a short list of essentials for those suffering in the throes of a break-up. I hope this can provide a guide for the pain we all have had to endure (and can even benefit from).

1) Be cool.

If you are the breakee (and most people on this site are) and you realize you are being cut loose...let the white heat and noise in your body and soul stay inside. The breakee is likely anticipating the worst and unless you have caught them cheating, hold your tongue and listen. You see, if you want to get back with this person, the impression you leave at a dramatic moment counts a lot. The breaker will feel guilt and doubt following the break up. They will not be sure if they have done the right thing. Let them stew.

2. Leave them thinking.

As you listen and suffer in the sudden pain of rejection, think of a golden moment in your relationship. Something that you both considered a high point. If your relationship is not totally dysfunctional, that time may have only been one rough patch away. Is it worth mentioning casually? If so, just make it the last thought they have.

3. Give.

It is human nature to go back to what makes us feel good and what we know. If you can give love at this moment - even if just in a touch or a smile - it is powerful. Why are they letting this go??? they wonder.

4. Survival Mode.

Now begins the well-known No Contact period. No texts, no calls, no letters, no emails, no stop-bys....This is for you. And for them. For you it is protection and stops the cycle of waiting and wondering. For them, it shows them that they must live with their choice. And the LESS you do, the MORE power you have.

5. Silence is golden.

If you maintain silence then you put all the pressure on your Ex. No easy let downs. By doing less, you do so much more. And it lets them think about what they lost. Every break in silence before your Ex reaches you lowers your value. The work you did was IN your relationship. Whatever you did will now pay (or not pay) dividends. It is what will fill their head as they go through their day. (Note: If your EX left you for someone else, then you must go silent right away. Skip 1-3. This relationship is likely over and should be unless well, your EX has....well, an incredible explanation.)

6. "How long do I go silent?"

Forever. What this means is that unless your Ex contacts you, you should stay silent.
Many EX's circle back. And when they do, wait! Wait and think.
Ask yourself: Do I even WANT to get back with this person? Is it a relationship I want? Was there willingness to part a natural human response to learning about themselves and you, or was it callous and thoughtless? The period of silence before a "circle back" could be 2 days or GULP (2 years). If your Ex re-establishes contact and your relationship had a lot of good communication to begin with - you might find that friendship can be an Ok alternative and downpayment on a later more-serious time for you - as long as it is on your terms and time schedule - maybe even after you have another person in your life.

7. When do I panic?

Never. Every break you do this way makes you a better lover and closer to getting Mr. or Mrs. Right......If you chase or plea or beg you may get him/her back but in the long run it is a fissure that will always be there. Many of the happiest people I know had at least one "test-break" and then got serious. They spoke after a break at some appropriate point and had no agendas, just a realization that humans need to process things and that they were ready. The Breaker does have the responsibility to prove they are more committed - and again, the breakee has less pressure in this dynamic...so enjoy the role of entitlement for a while - but don't be mean.

8. If I re-unite with my Ex, how do I do it?

Don't hold a grudge. If you are going to go "another round" don't sabotage yourself by going back with revenge or bitterness....Instead, communicate. A lot.
Make it clear what hurt and what you want to work on. If this person has real potential
they will be excited about finding out what makes you tick and what makes you happy.
And you should do the same.

9. If I feel like I want to die, how do I survive 1-8?

Time. Time is a powerful thing. Get a calendar. 90 days is your goal.
Cross the days off...and better yet, write the emotions of the day in the box as you desire...write what you feel about your EX when you wish. You will see the adjectives change over time and you may be surprised to see that over time the intensity changes.
If you were married or in a relationship for a long time (5 years+)....you may need an entire calendar. Factor about 2 months per year. If you need more than one calendar, or cannot sleep or eat predictably for more than 3 months, I heartily suggest a good therapist. (Note: A General practitioner M.D. can suggest one if a friend cannot).

10. So, what is the goal of all this work?

The right person for you is the one that makes your life better and whom you wish to make their life better. The right person is one that HAS YOUR BACK! If they do not, and/or you do not have theirs, then you are chasing pain, and preparing for your future offspring to live in pain.
That's pathetic. Look at your friends? Are they loyal and hardworking and care about who you are and what you feel - and are there for you - especially in a crisis? If so, you are emphasizing character and laying a life foundation. And your partner can be all that and MORE!!

Breaks CAN actually heal us for the better, as long as we fight to get the best of them. That's the challenge of life. How do we handle adversity??? If you handle it well, you are a rare person and are guaranteed great things. It's NOT EASY. I hope the 1-10 will make it a little easier. If you have to rush right to #4 it's OK. Just get yourself to as sane a place as you can handle ASAP.

(If any of this ends up being useful for you let me know.....)


You now have the advantage! ;)
What do you do if you're the breaker... how do you handle this. What is you have to break it off because the other party won't when it need to be broken. What do you do then?

I have a girlfreind who says " I need time to 'grasp' my emotions about you"
She says that she still loves me but just needs to realize it again.

What is up and what should I do?? School starts on Wednesday and I have classes with her.

Sounds like a woman!!

give her space...

adds to your value and lets her not stress... smile when you see her if you can.
But don't pressure her... then, stay away. And stay busy.
let me know how it goes...

Hello I am drunk and intoxicated. I say stay single! PUT YOUR HANDS UP!! WOOP WOOP

She sent me a text telling me that she still cares about me but doesn't want to be as serious as we were in the past. She also said she did not want to be exclusive anymore. The serious part I understand and its mutual but not the exclusive part. I am meeting her tomorrow and we are going to go somewhere to talk about our 'new' relationship.


What should I say/do??

She sent me a text telling me that she still cares about me but doesnt want to be as serious as we were in the past. She also said she did not want to be exclusive anymore. The serious part i understand and its mutual but not the exclusive part. I am meeting her tomorrow and we are going to go somewhere to talk about our 'new' relationship.


What should i say/do ???


Follow Ash's advice. Read his guides and take his advice really pay attention. This is seriously amazing advice for surviving a break up.

Do not argue with her or beg her or plead her to come back and have the relationship the way it was. King you are desperate you were asking if you and your girlfriend should take drugs so that she will fall back in love with you. Any acts of desperation on your part will only make you feel worse.

2. Leave them thinking.

As you listen and suffer in the sudden pain of rejection, think of a golden moment in your relationship. Something that you both considered a high point. If your relationship is not totally dysfunctional, that time may have only been one rough patch away. Is it worth mentioning casually? If so, just make it the last thought they have.

This is extremely important. When you are breaking up leave them with good memories of the high points of your relationship. Send them something that will list the high points. I guarantee that after a short time all they will be thinking about is the good memories you have "planted" in their head, and that will in turn bring back some of their treasured memories. They will start to get upset that they have let go of those memories, and regret losing you.

Not saying it works every time, but it worked for me.

Another thing I say, doesn't really relate to "surviving" but more "securing" yourself is mark your territory. Make it so that you "accidently" leave things lying around their house. Put sweet messages on their laptop. Of course what's to say they won't burn those things... well there are some things you can't burn, or wouldn't want to ;)

Its kind of sad idea but it tends to work in keeping that person thinking about you and close at heart.

Take care

Yep, hold your ground...

As useful as oxygen geez. Way to rap up complexity in what amounts to a cook book recipe.

After a time on this site and some significant personal relationships, I've compiled a short list of essentials for those suffering in the throes of a break-up. I hope this can provide a guide for the pain we all have had to endure (and can even benefit from).

1) Be cool.

If you are the breakee (and most people on this site are) and you realize you are being cut loose...let the white heat and noise in your body and soul stay inside. The breakee is likely anticipating the worst and unless you have caught them cheating, hold your tongue and listen. You see, if you want to get back with this person, the impression you leave at a dramatic moment counts a lot. The breaker will feel guilt and doubt following the break up. They will not be sure if they have done the right thing. Let them stew.

2. Leave them thinking.

As you listen and suffer in the sudden pain of rejection, think of a golden moment in your relationship. Something that you both considered a high point. If your relationship is not totally dysfunctional, that time may have only been one rough patch away. Is it worth mentioning casually? If so, just make it the last thought they have.

3. Give.

It is human nature to go back to what makes us feel good and what we know. If you can give love at this moment - even if just in a touch or a smile - it is powerful. Why are they letting this go??? they wonder.

4. Survival Mode.

Now begins the well-known No Contact period. No texts, no calls, no letters, no emails, no stop-bys....This is for you. And for them. For you it is protection and stops the cycle of waiting and wondering. For them, it shows them that they must live with their choice. And the LESS you do, the MORE power you have.

5. Silence is golden.

If you maintain silence then you put all the pressure on your Ex. No easy let downs. By doing less, you do so much more. And it lets them think about what they lost. Every break in silence before your Ex reaches you lowers your value. The work you did was IN your relationship. Whatever you did will now pay (or not pay) dividends. It is what will fill their head as they go through their day. (Note: If your EX left you for someone else, then you must go silent right away. Skip 1-3. This relationship is likely over and should be unless well, your EX has....well, an incredible explanation.)

6. "How long do I go silent?"

Forever. What this means is that unless your Ex contacts you, you should stay silent.
Many EX's circle back. And when they do, wait! Wait and think.
Ask yourself: Do I even WANT to get back with this person? Is it a relationship I want? Was there willingness to part a natural human response to learning about themselves and you, or was it callous and thoughtless? The period of silence before a "circle back" could be 2 days or GULP (2 years). If your Ex re-establishes contact and your relationship had a lot of good communication to begin with - you might find that friendship can be an Ok alternative and downpayment on a later more-serious time for you - as long as it is on your terms and time schedule - maybe even after you have another person in your life.

7. When do I panic?

Never. Every break you do this way makes you a better lover and closer to getting Mr. or Mrs. Right......If you chase or plea or beg you may get him/her back but in the long run it is a fissure that will always be there. Many of the happiest people I know had at least one "test-break" and then got serious. They spoke after a break at some appropriate point and had no agendas, just a realization that humans need to process things and that they were ready. The Breaker does have the responsibility to prove they are more committed - and again, the breakee has less pressure in this dynamic...so enjoy the role of entitlement for a while - but don't be mean.

8. If I re-unite with my Ex, how do I do it?

Don't hold a grudge. If you are going to go "another round" don't sabotage yourself by going back with revenge or bitterness....Instead, communicate. A lot.
Make it clear what hurt and what you want to work on. If this person has real potential
they will be excited about finding out what makes you tick and what makes you happy.
And you should do the same.

9. If I feel like I want to die, how do I survive 1-8?

Time. Time is a powerful thing. Get a calendar. 90 days is your goal.
Cross the days off...and better yet, write the emotions of the day in the box as you desire...write what you feel about your EX when you wish. You will see the adjectives change over time and you may be surprised to see that over time the intensity changes.
If you were married or in a relationship for a long time (5 years+)....you may need an entire calendar. Factor about 2 months per year. If you need more than one calendar, or cannot sleep or eat predictably for more than 3 months, I heartily suggest a good therapist. (Note: A General practitioner M.D. can suggest one if a friend cannot).

10. So, what is the goal of all this work?

The right person for you is the one that makes your life better and whom you wish to make their life better. The right person is one that HAS YOUR BACK! If they do not, and/or you do not have theirs, then you are chasing pain, and preparing for your future offspring to live in pain.
That's pathetic. Look at your friends? Are they loyal and hardworking and care about who you are and what you feel - and are there for you - especially in a crisis? If so, you are emphasizing character and laying a life foundation. And your partner can be all that and MORE!!

Breaks CAN actually heal us for the better, as long as we fight to get the best of them. That's the challenge of life. How do we handle adversity??? If you handle it well, you are a rare person and are guaranteed great things. It's NOT EASY. I hope the 1-10 will make it a little easier. If you have to rush right to #4 it's OK. Just get yourself to as sane a place as you can handle ASAP.

(If any of this ends up being useful for you let me know.....)


You now have the advantage! ;)
Hi,

I did find your words comforting... I have kept my silence so to speak, and only vented on a coupled of close friends. Feel like an idiot for lowering my value in the early stages of the breakup, but the pain was a little overwhelming. I've managed to survive a week of this, and it has become easier. Thank you for these guides and for replying to my post. It validates what I had told myself to do but not confident enough to follow... :-)

thank you!

Hey ash, maybe you are familiar with my thread or not, either way do you think your steps apply if the breaker jumps into a rebound relationship rather quickly? My ex first said she wanted space, still loves me but not "in love" with me and now is seeing someone 5 weeks after the "break" started. She says she still cares about me and wants me in her life, but right now as a friend only, I know I need to stay away from her and go NC, after 4 yrs will she still think of me and maybe compare him to me? We didn't end it in bad terms really, no yelling or hating each other, but she is conufsed and scared about how long we been together and appears to think someone new may make her happier. Will time apart from me , and no contact make her think about what we had and if this new guy is compatible with her or not? I don't want to be there for support and comfort while she is with him because it will only make it easier on her to transition to him. Ok well thanks for any insight. I know I have to go work on myself and do mything, I am just curious what you think.

So I make 6 weeks that she broke up with me. Only one thing I can say is that I wish I read this in the beginning.

Thanks!!

After a time on this site and some significant personal relationships, I've compiled a short list of essentials for those suffering in the throes of a break-up. I hope this can provide a guide for the pain we all have had to endure (and can even benefit from).

1) Be cool.

If you are the breakee (and most people on this site are) and you realize you are being cut loose...let the white heat and noise in your body and soul stay inside. The breakee is likely anticipating the worst and unless you have caught them cheating, hold your tongue and listen. You see, if you want to get back with this person, the impression you leave at a dramatic moment counts a lot. The breaker will feel guilt and doubt following the break up. They will not be sure if they have done the right thing. Let them stew.

2. Leave them thinking.

As you listen and suffer in the sudden pain of rejection, think of a golden moment in your relationship. Something that you both considered a high point. If your relationship is not totally dysfunctional, that time may have only been one rough patch away. Is it worth mentioning casually? If so, just make it the last thought they have.

3. Give.

It is human nature to go back to what makes us feel good and what we know. If you can give love at this moment - even if just in a touch or a smile - it is powerful. Why are they letting this go??? they wonder.

4. Survival Mode.

Now begins the well-known No Contact period. No texts, no calls, no letters, no emails, no stop-bys....This is for you. And for them. For you it is protection and stops the cycle of waiting and wondering. For them, it shows them that they must live with their choice. And the LESS you do, the MORE power you have.

5. Silence is golden.

If you maintain silence then you put all the pressure on your Ex. No easy let downs. By doing less, you do so much more. And it lets them think about what they lost. Every break in silence before your Ex reaches you lowers your value. The work you did was IN your relationship. Whatever you did will now pay (or not pay) dividends. It is what will fill their head as they go through their day. (Note: If your EX left you for someone else, then you must go silent right away. Skip 1-3. This relationship is likely over and should be unless well, your EX has....well, an incredible explanation.)

6. "How long do I go silent?"

Forever. What this means is that unless your Ex contacts you, you should stay silent.
Many EX's circle back. And when they do, wait! Wait and think.
Ask yourself: Do I even WANT to get back with this person? Is it a relationship I want? Was there willingness to part a natural human response to learning about themselves and you, or was it callous and thoughtless? The period of silence before a "circle back" could be 2 days or GULP (2 years). If your Ex re-establishes contact and your relationship had a lot of good communication to begin with - you might find that friendship can be an Ok alternative and downpayment on a later more-serious time for you - as long as it is on your terms and time schedule - maybe even after you have another person in your life.

7. When do I panic?

Never. Every break you do this way makes you a better lover and closer to getting Mr. or Mrs. Right......If you chase or plea or beg you may get him/her back but in the long run it is a fissure that will always be there. Many of the happiest people I know had at least one "test-break" and then got serious. They spoke after a break at some appropriate point and had no agendas, just a realization that humans need to process things and that they were ready. The Breaker does have the responsibility to prove they are more committed - and again, the breakee has less pressure in this dynamic...so enjoy the role of entitlement for a while - but don't be mean.

8. If I re-unite with my Ex, how do I do it?

Don't hold a grudge. If you are going to go "another round" don't sabotage yourself by going back with revenge or bitterness....Instead, communicate. A lot.
Make it clear what hurt and what you want to work on. If this person has real potential
they will be excited about finding out what makes you tick and what makes you happy.
And you should do the same.

9. If I feel like I want to die, how do I survive 1-8?

Time. Time is a powerful thing. Get a calendar. 90 days is your goal.
Cross the days off...and better yet, write the emotions of the day in the box as you desire...write what you feel about your EX when you wish. You will see the adjectives change over time and you may be surprised to see that over time the intensity changes.
If you were married or in a relationship for a long time (5 years+)....you may need an entire calendar. Factor about 2 months per year. If you need more than one calendar, or cannot sleep or eat predictably for more than 3 months, I heartily suggest a good therapist. (Note: A General practitioner M.D. can suggest one if a friend cannot).

10. So, what is the goal of all this work?

The right person for you is the one that makes your life better and whom you wish to make their life better. The right person is one that HAS YOUR BACK! If they do not, and/or you do not have theirs, then you are chasing pain, and preparing for your future offspring to live in pain.
That's pathetic. Look at your friends? Are they loyal and hardworking and care about who you are and what you feel - and are there for you - especially in a crisis? If so, you are emphasizing character and laying a life foundation. And your partner can be all that and MORE!!

Breaks CAN actually heal us for the better, as long as we fight to get the best of them. That's the challenge of life. How do we handle adversity??? If you handle it well, you are a rare person and are guaranteed great things. It's NOT EASY. I hope the 1-10 will make it a little easier. If you have to rush right to #4 it's OK. Just get yourself to as sane a place as you can handle ASAP.

(If any of this ends up being useful for you let me know.....)


You now have the advantage! ;)

Great job Ash; says it all.:)

Thx S -

Hope it helps...

Thanks Ash, this helped some what, but like she was tallking to me last night when we were arguin but than things got beter in a way she was being sweeter and than my phone died and she hasn't texted me or callled or picked up on me since last night and I mean I don't know what to do what you think?

Just - READ the guide.

"she's nice..your phone dying...not dying...."

Whatever.

It's HER job to get YOU.
She is the breaker.

You cannot chase. You can only say your peace and get away.
Yor hormones are raging and you can't think straight.
So, cool down and don't freak out.

She WANTS to chase you - so let her.

If you chase her your stock will fall like a $25 hooker's undergarments... QUICKLY!

Lol, thanks Ash I think your probably the most helpful person to talk to about this and I stopped trying to call her and contact her as you said and I read through the whole thing, she texted me right now saying she was busy cleaning and will talk to me later, but where should I go from there

Well, talk to her when it fits your schedule.

Be polite. Say you are super busy and will call her soon... wait a few days.


You have to be unavailable... and take advantage of the time off.

How old are you?

Do you want to marry her really?

I'm almost 21 she's almost 20, but we known eahcother for 5 years and started dating a little over 2 years, but its like she knowns I'm never too busy for her and I'm there to talk to her whenever she needs me and if she doesn't reach me by texting or calling me she calls my friends to see were I'm

man, you are WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY too young for this to ruin your life.

What I mean is it will FEEL like it's ruining your life, but it will not!
You should not be getting married right now, but focusing on school and career.
And she knows that and that's why she is wisely talking a break.

the key is to make her work a bit. what 19 year old girl wants some guy who is a lap dog - yuck!

She's up to 10 years away from wanting to be in the house after a 9-5. she wants to live. You should too. Go DO something... so when you talk one day - you will have done something... for no be plite and then NC!

... be unavailable for a week, at least, keep saying you will get back to her... and then contact me about what to do next... take a break - go to a amovie

I know but its like we both want to get married early and in our religion we usually get married around 23 or so and we also want to get married young, and like if she doesn't reach me shell come to my house

OK, enjoy her visit.

God bless religion making people miserable.

What religion is it?

Islam, but that's not the point more than that like we want to get engaged by the time were both 22 or did at least, when she texts me or calls me tonight ill do the exact thing you told me to but on the other hand she knows I have been wanting to talk to her since last night and she had to finish the stuff she was telling me

NO WAY. No response yet.

She will be ok.. I know you are feeling...Mean or something.
But, now you have the power...Like it?
So, now is the time to decide if you can do anything better with her the second time.
Each day that passes you have to ask can you bear another break up AND
do you even WANT to go out with her at all??

You must wait or you all will immediately cycle BACK to where you were.
i would advise (and i have been through this MANY times) to give this time.
or until she ever comes up with something concrete that
makes the past and the future workable. She won't likely come out with an
"i'm sorry..." but a clear willingless to talk and admit some fault or vulnerablity
to you is important. Responding will not help your cause.

Think about the good and the bad of your relationship. You have her back now. Do you really want her?
Ok, next time she texts, writes, calls let me know. This isn't so much about anything but giving yourself
the sanity of mind now to make a clear decision. Breathe - and talk to you soon.



Thank you for this explanation. I haven't read anything about what to do if your ex contacts you randomly, but you're not really sure if it is sincere ( or you figure its probably not). The guy I love calls at 3. 4 in the morning evey once in awhile. I guess I'm closer to getting over him, but I do still love him so it gets kind of hard when I see his number. I haven't picked up at that hour, but part of me wanted to pick up the phone, in hopes that maybe he changed his mind about something. Or; hoping, I didn't miss any revelations of his that he wanted me again, and felt the need to call me at that time. I was a little confused; but this helped a bit...

If you don't want to wait, you don't have to...
Let her finish then. It's free will.

Afterwards, then take a break.

Up to you. Not what I would do -(I'd make her wait at least another day) but getting married at 20 was the last thing on my mind. World ravel and education were much higher... I don't think you can EVER force love.

Ooo no no we would get married probably by 23 or 24, we want to finish college first and get decent jobs, but like you said if texts and calls me I should wait a week right?

Be polite and say you will get back in a few days... and wait 4-7 days

All right thanks Ash, but I know she will text and call me through out the week do I ignore her? And I'm sure she said a few days ago she wanted to come see me at the end of this week and Monday

After a time on this site and some significant personal relationships, I've compiled a short list of essentials for those suffering in the throes of a break-up. I hope this can provide a guide for the pain we all have had to endure (and can even benefit from).

1) Be cool.

If you are the breakee (and most people on this site are) and you realize you are being cut loose...let the white heat and noise in your body and soul stay inside. The breakee is likely anticipating the worst and unless you have caught them cheating, hold your tongue and listen. You see, if you want to get back with this person, the impression you leave at a dramatic moment counts a lot. The breaker will feel guilt and doubt following the break up. They will not be sure if they have done the right thing. Let them stew.

2. Leave them thinking.

As you listen and suffer in the sudden pain of rejection, think of a golden moment in your relationship. Something that you both considered a high point. If your relationship is not totally dysfunctional, that time may have only been one rough patch away. Is it worth mentioning casually? If so, just make it the last thought they have.

3. Give.

It is human nature to go back to what makes us feel good and what we know. If you can give love at this moment - even if just in a touch or a smile - it is powerful. Why are they letting this go??? they wonder.

4. Survival Mode.

Now begins the well-known No Contact period. No texts, no calls, no letters, no emails, no stop-bys....This is for you. And for them. For you it is protection and stops the cycle of waiting and wondering. For them, it shows them that they must live with their choice. And the LESS you do, the MORE power you have.

5. Silence is golden.

If you maintain silence then you put all the pressure on your Ex. No easy let downs. By doing less, you do so much more. And it lets them think about what they lost. Every break in silence before your Ex reaches you lowers your value. The work you did was IN your relationship. Whatever you did will now pay (or not pay) dividends. It is what will fill their head as they go through their day. (Note: If your EX left you for someone else, then you must go silent right away. Skip 1-3. This relationship is likely over and should be unless well, your EX has....well, an incredible explanation.)

6. "How long do I go silent?"

Forever. What this means is that unless your Ex contacts you, you should stay silent.
Many EX's circle back. And when they do, wait! Wait and think.
Ask yourself: Do I even WANT to get back with this person? Is it a relationship I want? Was there willingness to part a natural human response to learning about themselves and you, or was it callous and thoughtless? The period of silence before a "circle back" could be 2 days or GULP (2 years). If your Ex re-establishes contact and your relationship had a lot of good communication to begin with - you might find that friendship can be an Ok alternative and downpayment on a later more-serious time for you - as long as it is on your terms and time schedule - maybe even after you have another person in your life.

7. When do I panic?

Never. Every break you do this way makes you a better lover and closer to getting Mr. or Mrs. Right......If you chase or plea or beg you may get him/her back but in the long run it is a fissure that will always be there. Many of the happiest people I know had at least one "test-break" and then got serious. They spoke after a break at some appropriate point and had no agendas, just a realization that humans need to process things and that they were ready. The Breaker does have the responsibility to prove they are more committed - and again, the breakee has less pressure in this dynamic...so enjoy the role of entitlement for a while - but don't be mean.

8. If I re-unite with my Ex, how do I do it?

Don't hold a grudge. If you are going to go "another round" don't sabotage yourself by going back with revenge or bitterness....Instead, communicate. A lot.
Make it clear what hurt and what you want to work on. If this person has real potential
they will be excited about finding out what makes you tick and what makes you happy.
And you should do the same.

9. If I feel like I want to die, how do I survive 1-8?

Time. Time is a powerful thing. Get a calendar. 90 days is your goal.
Cross the days off...and better yet, write the emotions of the day in the box as you desire...write what you feel about your EX when you wish. You will see the adjectives change over time and you may be surprised to see that over time the intensity changes.
If you were married or in a relationship for a long time (5 years+)....you may need an entire calendar. Factor about 2 months per year. If you need more than one calendar, or cannot sleep or eat predictably for more than 3 months, I heartily suggest a good therapist. (Note: A General practitioner M.D. can suggest one if a friend cannot).

10. So, what is the goal of all this work?

The right person for you is the one that makes your life better and whom you wish to make their life better. The right person is one that HAS YOUR BACK! If they do not, and/or you do not have theirs, then you are chasing pain, and preparing for your future offspring to live in pain.
That's pathetic. Look at your friends? Are they loyal and hardworking and care about who you are and what you feel - and are there for you - especially in a crisis? If so, you are emphasizing character and laying a life foundation. And your partner can be all that and MORE!!

Breaks CAN actually heal us for the better, as long as we fight to get the best of them. That's the challenge of life. How do we handle adversity??? If you handle it well, you are a rare person and are guaranteed great things. It's NOT EASY. I hope the 1-10 will make it a little easier. If you have to rush right to #4 it's OK. Just get yourself to as sane a place as you can handle ASAP.

(If any of this ends up being useful for you let me know.....)


You now have the advantage! ;)
Hi Ash123,

I am more than grateful and thankful to you for this "How to break-up and survive" tips and advise. It is invaluable to me as I'm in a situation that I didn't know how to address and felt like I'm running out of options and slowly slipping into depression. You have not only given me the insight and understanding I need to deal with this situation, but also the re-assurance, self-confidence and will power that I need to survive a very sad break-up. It is always wise to seek the opinion of others, especially one from someone like you who sound so sincere and helpful. Keep it up!!

I've read these steps, maybe a little too late.. My girl, or should I say ex-girl, broke up with me for the 4th time, just this Monday.. After the breakup I immediately begged and pleaded, and tried for her to remember the good times we've had together. It is now 5 days later, and I'm still semi-trying to get her back. I just read these steps today.. but I'm wondering what I should do right now? About an hour ago I got upset and a little out of control, and said that she wasn't worth it (when she really is to me) and told her everything she ever told me was a lie and blah blah... it ended in her blocking me from our instant messenger, and putting me on ignore on any other thing that we had contact in. What should I do if I want her back? What would be the best... She said she doesn't love me or care for me anymore, but this is exactly what she said all the other 3 times she broke up with me.. that and "I dont want to be with you, you annoy me, i want to be single" It makes me wonder why she came around all the other 3 times... and what I should do right now.

So... what do you do when you got through all the steps and messed up # 8, as in you accidentally had a romp in the hay after drinking and smoking a little; because you figured you were almost over the person, and you thought you could hang out without felling crazy about them. Then they rush out for work in the morning, and there is no chance to talk. Then he says he will call me before the weekend is out...

Should I call earlier? If so how do I approach him about what he thinks of me or what happened. Or is NC best in this situation until he calls first?

I was feeling so empowered! (

START OVER.


NC again.

Any advice on what I should do?

excellent and calming advice. Thank you x x

I re-read your story and posts...

He preyed on your low self-esteem...Never again.

It never ceases to amaze me how often cheaters get multiple chances by their spouses - especially women- and the men always abuse the forgiveness... and do it again.

Women: if your man cheats - there is NO excuse. I PROMISE YOU... the only excuse he will give you is what he thinks will make you let him back. He KNOWS what he's doing wrong... he just wants to (like a kid) get away with it... UGH!!

Wow this very good and I like it a lot, still some questions remain.

Hi, I'm pretty new to all of this but id really like your advice, you seem like a level headed person and you make a lot of sense would you please read my post and let me know about my situation... its been about 10 weeks since I split from my ex, a link to my post is below its called My ex getting in touch

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/ex-getting-touch-158830.html

Terrific insight; many thanks.

This is a great article and it is helping me through this rough time. Thank you so much for your words.

What do you do if you're the breaker ... how do you handle this. What is you have to break it off because the other party won't when it need to be broken. What do you do then?


If you feel it needs to be broken up and you do it, what is the problem?

hey ash, maybe you are familar with my thread or not, either way do you think your steps apply if the breaker jumps into a rebound relationship rather quickly? My ex first said she wanted space, still loves me but not "in love" with me and now is seeing someone 5 weeks after the "break" started. She says she still cares about me and wants me in her life, but right now as a friend only, I know I need to stay away from her and go NC, after 4 yrs will she still think of me and maybe compare him to me? We didn't end it in bad terms really, no yelling or hating each other, but she is conufsed and scared about how long we been together and appears to think someone new may make her happier. Will time apart from me , and no contact make her think about what we had and if this new guy is compatible with her or not? I don't want to be there for support and comfort while she is with him b/c it will only make it easier on her to transition to him. Ok well thanks for any insight. I know i have to go work on myself and do mything, i am just curious what you think.


I think she wants to have her cake and eat it too. It is now Feb. How did this turn out?

I've read these steps, maybe a little too late.. My girl, or should i say ex-girl, broke up with me for the 4th time, just this monday.. After the breakup I immediately begged and pleaded, and tried for her to remember the good times we've had together. it is now 5 days later, and I'm still semi-trying to get her back. I just read these steps today.. but im wondering what i should do right now? about an hour ago I got upset and a little out of control, and said that she wasn't worth it (when she really is to me) and told her everything she ever told me was a lie and blah blah... it ended in her blocking me from our instant messanger, and putting me on ignore on any other thing that we had contact in. What should I do if i want her back? What would be the best... She said she doesnt love me or care for me anymore, but this is exactly what she said all the other 3 times she broke up with me.. that and "I dont want to be with you, you annoy me, i want to be single" It makes me wonder why she came around all the other 3 times... and what i should do right now.


It's Feb. so some time has passed. I wonder how this turned out but I'd be willing to bet, it wasn't what you wanted. Notice I didn't say, "turn out in your favor" I think getting over and done with her WOULD be in your favor. If you have broken up 4 times, "it ain't working". Why go back for more misery? My hope is that you have mourned what you wish that relationship could have been. Taken some time to just feel good about you, nourish your soul, and maybe have a newer healthier relationship with someone else by now. So... what did happen?

If you feel it needs to be broken up and you do it, what is the problem?


I think this may help:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/how-break-up-101-breakers-guide-116834.html

I feel that this thread also deserves a sticky.

I feel that this thread also deserves a sticky.


Confused, I'm confused abot what a sticky is.:confused:

Confused, I'm confused abot what a sticky is.:confused:

:) It's where the thread stays at the top of the first page so that everyone can view it.

I feel that this thread also deserves a sticky.

Thanks C25.
I didn't read your thoughts until when forwarded to me. I am not sure why not showing up on my profile page.

Oh well. Bottom line, hope all are healing one sane day at a time.

Cheers.

A

Very Sitcky Worthy. Amazing Step by Step instructions. Thank You.

Well, this wasn't posted yet when I broke up. But it's certainly helpful. And I realize that I've done all of that, thanks to the community hear at askmehelpdesk. (ok maybe I broke NC a few times, during the first few days, but that was it). Silence is indeed golden.

It's been 1 year and 4 months since my break up, my ex and I never initiated contact until 1 day ago, when he wrote me an email asking me how I was doing. He written his email carefully, I can sense that he was scared that I would take it weirdly. He just seems really curious about what I've been up to. So anyway, without thinking I responded happily, telling him that I'm happy that he's well, and also that I'm doing great myself.

The fact that I didn't ponder about "what would he think if i respond" or "what would he think if i don't respond", show me that I was truly over him. I'm really glad that he wrote me a email, because I thought I left a bad impression on him during the break-up, but the fact that he took the time to ask me how I was doing show that at least he cares for me as a friend..

So anyway, after I responded to his email he wrote a LONGASS email back, giving me an update to his life.. so I respond back with a even longer email back. Now, I don't really know if I like how this is going. I don't know if its really a good idea to keep in contact. Anyway, I don't know what I'm saying. So I'll just stop here.

You got your closure after respecting NC with mutual letters of sane correspondence.

You can only be polite now and keep moving. If there is no chance for more, your mission has been accomplished and you owe nothing more. Clearly it is making you uncomfortable, so step back into your cocoon with a polite goodbye (say you are crazy busy and glad he is doing well) - that oughta cover it. I like a little closure after a long spell - and you got it!

After a time on this site and some significant personal relationships, I've compiled a short list of essentials for those suffering in the throes of a break-up. I hope this can provide a guide for the pain we all have had to endure (and can even benefit from).

1) Be cool.

If you are the breakee (and most people on this site are) and you realize you are being cut loose...let the white heat and noise in your body and soul stay inside. The breakee is likely anticipating the worst and unless you have caught them cheating, hold your tongue and listen. You see, if you want to get back with this person, the impression you leave at a dramatic moment counts a lot. The breaker will feel guilt and doubt following the break up. They will not be sure if they have done the right thing. Let them stew.

2. Leave them thinking.

As you listen and suffer in the sudden pain of rejection, think of a golden moment in your relationship. Something that you both considered a high point. If your relationship is not totally dysfunctional, that time may have only been one rough patch away. Is it worth mentioning casually? If so, just make it the last thought they have.

3. Give.

It is human nature to go back to what makes us feel good and what we know. If you can give love at this moment - even if just in a touch or a smile - it is powerful. Why are they letting this go??? they wonder.

4. Survival Mode.

Now begins the well-known No Contact period. No texts, no calls, no letters, no emails, no stop-bys....This is for you. And for them. For you it is protection and stops the cycle of waiting and wondering. For them, it shows them that they must live with their choice. And the LESS you do, the MORE power you have.

5. Silence is golden.

If you maintain silence then you put all the pressure on your Ex. No easy let downs. By doing less, you do so much more. And it lets them think about what they lost. Every break in silence before your Ex reaches you lowers your value. The work you did was IN your relationship. Whatever you did will now pay (or not pay) dividends. It is what will fill their head as they go through their day. (Note: If your EX left you for someone else, then you must go silent right away. Skip 1-3. This relationship is likely over and should be unless well, your EX has....well, an incredible explanation.)

6. "How long do I go silent?"

Forever. What this means is that unless your Ex contacts you, you should stay silent.
Many EX's circle back. And when they do, wait! Wait and think.
Ask yourself: Do I even WANT to get back with this person? Is it a relationship I want? Was there willingness to part a natural human response to learning about themselves and you, or was it callous and thoughtless? The period of silence before a "circle back" could be 2 days or GULP (2 years). If your Ex re-establishes contact and your relationship had a lot of good communication to begin with - you might find that friendship can be an Ok alternative and downpayment on a later more-serious time for you - as long as it is on your terms and time schedule - maybe even after you have another person in your life.

7. When do I panic?

Never. Every break you do this way makes you a better lover and closer to getting Mr. or Mrs. Right......If you chase or plea or beg you may get him/her back but in the long run it is a fissure that will always be there. Many of the happiest people I know had at least one "test-break" and then got serious. They spoke after a break at some appropriate point and had no agendas, just a realization that humans need to process things and that they were ready. The Breaker does have the responsibility to prove they are more committed - and again, the breakee has less pressure in this dynamic...so enjoy the role of entitlement for a while - but don't be mean.

8. If I re-unite with my Ex, how do I do it?

Don't hold a grudge. If you are going to go "another round" don't sabotage yourself by going back with revenge or bitterness....Instead, communicate. A lot.
Make it clear what hurt and what you want to work on. If this person has real potential
they will be excited about finding out what makes you tick and what makes you happy.
And you should do the same.

9. If I feel like I want to die, how do I survive 1-8?

Time. Time is a powerful thing. Get a calendar. 90 days is your goal.
Cross the days off...and better yet, write the emotions of the day in the box as you desire...write what you feel about your EX when you wish. You will see the adjectives change over time and you may be surprised to see that over time the intensity changes.
If you were married or in a relationship for a long time (5 years+)....you may need an entire calendar. Factor about 2 months per year. If you need more than one calendar, or cannot sleep or eat predictably for more than 3 months, I heartily suggest a good therapist. (Note: A General practitioner M.D. can suggest one if a friend cannot).

10. So, what is the goal of all this work?

The right person for you is the one that makes your life better and whom you wish to make their life better. The right person is one that HAS YOUR BACK! If they do not, and/or you do not have theirs, then you are chasing pain, and preparing for your future offspring to live in pain.
That's pathetic. Look at your friends? Are they loyal and hardworking and care about who you are and what you feel - and are there for you - especially in a crisis? If so, you are emphasizing character and laying a life foundation. And your partner can be all that and MORE!!

Breaks CAN actually heal us for the better, as long as we fight to get the best of them. That's the challenge of life. How do we handle adversity??? If you handle it well, you are a rare person and are guaranteed great things. It's NOT EASY. I hope the 1-10 will make it a little easier. If you have to rush right to #4 it's OK. Just get yourself to as sane a place as you can handle ASAP.

(If any of this ends up being useful for you let me know.....)


You now have the advantage! ;)
Good advice. However, I need to substitute "ex" for "me". Thanks!

Hi Ash123,

Thank you for this! This is really great! I will be using this for sure. Totally amazing!

Glad to help.


Every pain needs some remedy.

Even if it's just a start - I hope u get better from here on.

[Thanks for the advice which is really useful.

I have begged my ex to have me back, bought her a necklace (white gold and diamonds no less!) and recently flowers. She has accepted the gifts as an apology! But she is giving me the silent treatment even though it sis her who effectively broke the relationship up.

However, I am married and did go back to my wife on one occasion. Its been a rocky few months and I am sure difficult for my girlfriend. However I am now living by myself in a flat (apartment) and am committed to her. She just doesn’t want me any more. She says she now does not love me.

It is hard breaking up with my girlfriend I love her so much and to be honest I have never felt like this before. I am on the verge of suicide. I can’t imagine life without her now. No contact will be very difficult.

Any advice?

To start, I would seek professional counseling. You sound like you are in a tough spot mentally.

You need a year to get back on your feet... And she does too. Give her space.

I am not sure she is the one for you given all the drama you have endured already.

I think your life plan may involve getting yourself together first and then seeing what partner is the one.

Thank you, but what I really want is her back. No contact will be really difficult, although I have done that today.

Dude, you were married. And went back to your wife.

Be real. What do you expect the girl to do.

The good news is that life is not so cruel.
If you live for others and give give give - good things will come back to you... maybe her.
Or maybe someone else.

Thank you so so much for the awesome advice... but it's probably tooo late. I haven't talked to him since he broke up with me, and I said Leon, if that's what you want... so be it.

GDArtist, I know how you feel because I'm in the same boat except I got dumped twice by the same guy in the last two months. It's not healthy I know. The first time we broke up, I knew I was going to call him after a month because I knew then he was the right person for me. However, he called me after a week of our breakup. The second time he dumped me which was about 2 weeks ago, I retained my dignity and embraced his decision. But I don't feel the same as I did the first time. I simply lost trust in him. I thought to myself, is this the guy you want to be with for the rest of your life when he is not willing to work it out with you. Or simply, he didn't love you enough to make it work.

And I conclude (as hard as it sounds) that he just didn't love me enough.

So, what I am saying you can't force someone to love you back. It goes the same for you. Nobody can force you to love them. It's strange to human, but love is intangible. And I think it is awesome that you have felt it at some point in time because I tell you that it isn't funny when you don't feel love for anybody. There are people out there who has gone through that phase of no love--admittedly I have--which I felt sad.

It is true that it's better to have loved than to never have loved at all.

However, don't give up on love. You should hope that the good will come to you. Let someone go if it is not meant to be. You don't want to cage them if they are unhappy. You don't want anyone to do that to you. So why would you want to do that to anyone?

It's the old cliché... Love is like a butterfly, if you chase it, it will eldue you. But if you just let if fly, it will come to you when you least expect it.. . This has always been true for me... which is so weird.

Anyway, you will just have to go through the cycle of grieve. Treat your ex, like he/she is dead as if you can't contact them anymore. But don't act on it please...


All my best...

Thank you so much for your response... wallawalla... I appreciate it. What you say makes a ton of sense. I realize I can love with all of my heart, and I pray every day... go to church and get my knees that there is someone like him, Lee, who will appreciate me for the person I am. I know this is crazy and please don't think I am egotistical.. but I realize I am a catch... a beautiful good career oriented woman, who has her act together, and didn't deserve this. But it did.

A lot has happened.. since I wrote last.
I went to lunch with him on Wednesday, he text me. I have had a terribly hard time getting over him, so since I work a lot with realtors, branding and web site for them, I decided to go to school, and become one as well. I passed that horrible test.

During one of the school days he text me, wanting to go to lunch with me, I already had lunch plans. So I went with him the next day. We meet across the street from school, I thought it strange he wouldn't pic me up. But anyway we had a great lunch - couldn't eat!
D of by phone, and it worked. The supervisor had me called him, after them needing to know the circumstances and got on the phone with him, and had him pay the balance for first class tickets... business section was sold out. It was a lot of money... but him paying said a ton.

I wrote him this last night thanking him...

That meant a ton to me. It says you still care.
Joan will take care of me. She said she would.
She will help me get back to Julie. Try anyway.
Joan and Kyle love me so much.

The tickets you purchased were first class, round trip. We will all ride in first class.
All other tickets were sold out.

They screwed up the trip home, and you wouldn't answer the phone,
So they had me call you from their phone. They asked me what
These circumstances were, because I didn't want to have to call you
Back and I was crying... They gave me the first class tickets home for free.
It would have been an additional $529.00.

I don't know what else to say... other then...

I can't see you anymore. I love you so and when I see you...
I want to be with you the way we use to be, and I start crying... and I get so sad
For days... and I can't work, and am so weak... and until I can be with you the way my body and mind needs to be...
To calm both our hearts... I can't see you. Funny, I miss eating ice cream with you at night, it just reminded me of being with you at night... besides you lying next to me.

I need you 100% back... not just on your terms.. and I don't even know what those are half the time.
I know you love me. I know it. Find a way back you, please before it's to late.

I went out with his best friend's wife last week, and she couldn't believe all the guys that
Were asking me out... she is mad at Leon for what he has done. The he needs to come back crawling. I don't know what is going to happen... but I still love him dearly.. my heart says to totally leave him alone though.

God Bless you for listening to my stuff, I realize now there are millions out there like me that have gone through similar situations as myself. Just wish people would be who they say they are, so the ones who are honest, good and have their act together don't have to suffer...

Thank you again... you are awesome!

One day at a time. Stay focused on yourself and it will get better.

Ash, I guess I am just so fortunate that I found the woman of my dreams about 10 years ago and we married 5 years ago and every day is a blessing. But what I really want to address here is what a blessing you have been to so many on this thread. Please let me say for all of us Thank You dear, and God bless...
Stringer

You are awesome Ash123 - I am focusing on me! You are so right. It's hard though... The more I let go, the more opportunities pop up... the more I feel better, when I stay away from him.

Thank you so much for the advice. I believe he had a bad childhood, his mom died at age 8 and his father took a new wife to raise all of the kids, almost immediately. His best friend says that he doesn't know how to act, when someone really loves him...

Again you are awesome... where have you been all of my life?

I agree. Awesome guide. I like all of the steps. And I like #10 a lot. It just tells me to learn to handle adversity. When someone steps on you, we should learn to get up and be strong. Don't let someone step on you again. That's enough. If they want it when that time comes, you are strong enough to handle any adversity.

Bring it on!! =)

Pretty good stuff.. Thanks. Ü

I'm going to post this up on my wall. ^^

Ash, I guess I am just so fortunate that I found the woman of my dreams about 10 years ago and we married 5 years ago and every day is a blessing. But what I really want to address here is what a blessing you have been to so many on this thread. Please let me say for all of us Thank You dear, and God bless...
Stringer

Thanks! And YES, you ARE the lucky one... everyone on here wants to be YOU!

Once you find love, everything else is easy to find.

Hey Toast,

One day you won't need it :-)
But a buddy may, and by that time you can hand it off...


No doubt (NONE! ) you are doing the right thing.

Hi Ash you responded to my post in this link
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/want-ex-back-any-suggestions-253036.html#post1258186
I wanted to thank you for your insight and I want to respond to your questions

1. Going out is your right.
2. how often did you want to have sex? How much would she like?
3. what did you disagree about besides sex?

Don't panic. Her life is no field day right now either. Let's see if this is really the girl for you.
And then sort this out. Get some sleep. It'll turn out exactly how it's supposed to man... if she's the one it'll be. If not we'll get you up from there.

I want to thank you for your response. I have also read the links you included.
1.You are right going out is my right however I think that part of the problem is that she does not have any real friends. I think she just felt bad if I didn't take her along. Other than that we would always be together on the weekends but like I mentioned the last couple of months schedules got messed up and here we are.
2. I wanted to have sex pretty often I would say at least twice a week because of our schedules. She told me that she wanted to have sex but that she thought it was her birth control that was affecting her.
3. We disagreed about going out with my friends, not spending enough time together, taking her for granted which I totally disagreed with because considering the circumstances it was almost impossible. It was she that encouraged me to take a lot of college courses to get my degree over with and that way we could spend more time together.
You know I feel like I am in a bad movie and I hope it over soon. I was thinking of sending her a letter kind of like a outline of our relationship highlighting all of the good things/times we have had and how we have grown together getting the jobs we wanted and the support she gave me and I gave her.. I thought that getting over these hurdles is what makes a relationship stronger?
How is her life no field day? She decided to break up with me? She got what she wanted.
If she is really the one why would anyone try to breakup to test the relationship?
You say succesfull relationships have gone through breaks and manged to be happy together why?/how?
Isn't doing nothing the same as I don't really care about you or the relationship?
What do you think?

You must communicate what you want to say when you break up. Make it clear that you love her but cannot live like that and step away with the ball in her court. Then if she contacts you so be it! If not, you cannot chase her. It does not help. She feels guilty now but is a hormonal wreck and needs to feel the space to see what it feels like. I think there is nothing more you can do right now. But don't lose your friends in the process. Relationships are about MANY things and something as simple as friends in a fragile relationship can be enough to kill it.

After a time on this site and some significant personal relationships, I've compiled a short list of essentials for those suffering in the throes of a break-up. I hope this can provide a guide for the pain we all have had to endure (and can even benefit from).

1) Be cool.

If you are the breakee (and most people on this site are) and you realize you are being cut loose...let the white heat and noise in your body and soul stay inside. The breakee is likely anticipating the worst and unless you have caught them cheating, hold your tongue and listen. You see, if you want to get back with this person, the impression you leave at a dramatic moment counts a lot. The breaker will feel guilt and doubt following the break up. They will not be sure if they have done the right thing. Let them stew.

2. Leave them thinking.

As you listen and suffer in the sudden pain of rejection, think of a golden moment in your relationship. Something that you both considered a high point. If your relationship is not totally dysfunctional, that time may have only been one rough patch away. Is it worth mentioning casually? If so, just make it the last thought they have.

3. Give.

It is human nature to go back to what makes us feel good and what we know. If you can give love at this moment - even if just in a touch or a smile - it is powerful. Why are they letting this go??? they wonder.

4. Survival Mode.

Now begins the well-known No Contact period. No texts, no calls, no letters, no emails, no stop-bys....This is for you. And for them. For you it is protection and stops the cycle of waiting and wondering. For them, it shows them that they must live with their choice. And the LESS you do, the MORE power you have.

5. Silence is golden.

If you maintain silence then you put all the pressure on your Ex. No easy let downs. By doing less, you do so much more. And it lets them think about what they lost. Every break in silence before your Ex reaches you lowers your value. The work you did was IN your relationship. Whatever you did will now pay (or not pay) dividends. It is what will fill their head as they go through their day. (Note: If your EX left you for someone else, then you must go silent right away. Skip 1-3. This relationship is likely over and should be unless well, your EX has....well, an incredible explanation.)

6. "How long do I go silent?"

Forever. What this means is that unless your Ex contacts you, you should stay silent.
Many EX's circle back. And when they do, wait! Wait and think.
Ask yourself: Do I even WANT to get back with this person? Is it a relationship I want? Was there willingness to part a natural human response to learning about themselves and you, or was it callous and thoughtless? The period of silence before a "circle back" could be 2 days or GULP (2 years). If your Ex re-establishes contact and your relationship had a lot of good communication to begin with - you might find that friendship can be an Ok alternative and downpayment on a later more-serious time for you - as long as it is on your terms and time schedule - maybe even after you have another person in your life.

7. When do I panic?

Never. Every break you do this way makes you a better lover and closer to getting Mr. or Mrs. Right......If you chase or plea or beg you may get him/her back but in the long run it is a fissure that will always be there. Many of the happiest people I know had at least one "test-break" and then got serious. They spoke after a break at some appropriate point and had no agendas, just a realization that humans need to process things and that they were ready. The Breaker does have the responsibility to prove they are more committed - and again, the breakee has less pressure in this dynamic...so enjoy the role of entitlement for a while - but don't be mean.

8. If I re-unite with my Ex, how do I do it?

Don't hold a grudge. If you are going to go "another round" don't sabotage yourself by going back with revenge or bitterness....Instead, communicate. A lot.
Make it clear what hurt and what you want to work on. If this person has real potential
they will be excited about finding out what makes you tick and what makes you happy.
And you should do the same.

9. If I feel like I want to die, how do I survive 1-8?

Time. Time is a powerful thing. Get a calendar. 90 days is your goal.
Cross the days off...and better yet, write the emotions of the day in the box as you desire...write what you feel about your EX when you wish. You will see the adjectives change over time and you may be surprised to see that over time the intensity changes.
If you were married or in a relationship for a long time (5 years+)....you may need an entire calendar. Factor about 2 months per year. If you need more than one calendar, or cannot sleep or eat predictably for more than 3 months, I heartily suggest a good therapist. (Note: A General practitioner M.D. can suggest one if a friend cannot).

10. So, what is the goal of all this work?

The right person for you is the one that makes your life better and whom you wish to make their life better. The right person is one that HAS YOUR BACK! If they do not, and/or you do not have theirs, then you are chasing pain, and preparing for your future offspring to live in pain.
That's pathetic. Look at your friends? Are they loyal and hardworking and care about who you are and what you feel - and are there for you - especially in a crisis? If so, you are emphasizing character and laying a life foundation. And your partner can be all that and MORE!!

Breaks CAN actually heal us for the better, as long as we fight to get the best of them. That's the challenge of life. How do we handle adversity??? If you handle it well, you are a rare person and are guaranteed great things. It's NOT EASY. I hope the 1-10 will make it a little easier. If you have to rush right to #4 it's OK. Just get yourself to as sane a place as you can handle ASAP.

(If any of this ends up being useful for you let me know.....)


You now have the advantage! ;)
Ash that was a great guide. What about if your ex needed to step back and take things slowly but nothing happens really. She just texts every 2 weeks and we meet up for a coffee yet nothing more. I then told her 4 weeks ago that I needed closure as our meetings don't work because I still have some feelings. She replied with , "Nothing feels sorted with me" I was hoping everything would work out with us but that's not fair."

We've had no contact but I ran into her at my work 4 days ago and nearly froze. I approached her and we had a nice chat. I emailed her with advice on her new job in our department and said that if she needs anything to email me. She thanked me and now I won't see her for another 8 weeks as she's on holidays with her friend , then I'm on 4 weeks holiday.
Is it too late for your 1-10 or can I start at #4 despite us staying in touch at work in 8 sweeks time. Thank you

Don't do sh--.

Best advice I can give.

What does that mean??

SH-- ( fill in the I and T. )

Got it?

Thanks for sharing your words of wisdom :)

Ash, what if the problem is that we were not spending time together? Wouldn't not contacting her make her think he doesn't care anymore? That was part of our problem that I didn't make enough time for her. Obviously if this were true for the entire relationship would have been over sooner but I guess in her eyes the time we did spend together was no tenough. What do you think?

After a time on this site and some significant personal relationships, I've compiled a short list of essentials for those suffering in the throes of a break-up. I hope this can provide a guide for the pain we all have had to endure (and can even benefit from).

1) Be cool.

If you are the breakee (and most people on this site are) and you realize you are being cut loose...let the white heat and noise in your body and soul stay inside. The breakee is likely anticipating the worst and unless you have caught them cheating, hold your tongue and listen. You see, if you want to get back with this person, the impression you leave at a dramatic moment counts a lot. The breaker will feel guilt and doubt following the break up. They will not be sure if they have done the right thing. Let them stew.

2. Leave them thinking.

As you listen and suffer in the sudden pain of rejection, think of a golden moment in your relationship. Something that you both considered a high point. If your relationship is not totally dysfunctional, that time may have only been one rough patch away. Is it worth mentioning casually? If so, just make it the last thought they have.

3. Give.

It is human nature to go back to what makes us feel good and what we know. If you can give love at this moment - even if just in a touch or a smile - it is powerful. Why are they letting this go??? they wonder.

4. Survival Mode.

Now begins the well-known No Contact period. No texts, no calls, no letters, no emails, no stop-bys....This is for you. And for them. For you it is protection and stops the cycle of waiting and wondering. For them, it shows them that they must live with their choice. And the LESS you do, the MORE power you have.

5. Silence is golden.

If you maintain silence then you put all the pressure on your Ex. No easy let downs. By doing less, you do so much more. And it lets them think about what they lost. Every break in silence before your Ex reaches you lowers your value. The work you did was IN your relationship. Whatever you did will now pay (or not pay) dividends. It is what will fill their head as they go through their day. (Note: If your EX left you for someone else, then you must go silent right away. Skip 1-3. This relationship is likely over and should be unless well, your EX has....well, an incredible explanation.)

6. "How long do I go silent?"

Forever. What this means is that unless your Ex contacts you, you should stay silent.
Many EX's circle back. And when they do, wait! Wait and think.
Ask yourself: Do I even WANT to get back with this person? Is it a relationship I want? Was there willingness to part a natural human response to learning about themselves and you, or was it callous and thoughtless? The period of silence before a "circle back" could be 2 days or GULP (2 years). If your Ex re-establishes contact and your relationship had a lot of good communication to begin with - you might find that friendship can be an Ok alternative and downpayment on a later more-serious time for you - as long as it is on your terms and time schedule - maybe even after you have another person in your life.

7. When do I panic?

Never. Every break you do this way makes you a better lover and closer to getting Mr. or Mrs. Right......If you chase or plea or beg you may get him/her back but in the long run it is a fissure that will always be there. Many of the happiest people I know had at least one "test-break" and then got serious. They spoke after a break at some appropriate point and had no agendas, just a realization that humans need to process things and that they were ready. The Breaker does have the responsibility to prove they are more committed - and again, the breakee has less pressure in this dynamic...so enjoy the role of entitlement for a while - but don't be mean.

8. If I re-unite with my Ex, how do I do it?

Don't hold a grudge. If you are going to go "another round" don't sabotage yourself by going back with revenge or bitterness....Instead, communicate. A lot.
Make it clear what hurt and what you want to work on. If this person has real potential
they will be excited about finding out what makes you tick and what makes you happy.
And you should do the same.

9. If I feel like I want to die, how do I survive 1-8?

Time. Time is a powerful thing. Get a calendar. 90 days is your goal.
Cross the days off...and better yet, write the emotions of the day in the box as you desire...write what you feel about your EX when you wish. You will see the adjectives change over time and you may be surprised to see that over time the intensity changes.
If you were married or in a relationship for a long time (5 years+)....you may need an entire calendar. Factor about 2 months per year. If you need more than one calendar, or cannot sleep or eat predictably for more than 3 months, I heartily suggest a good therapist. (Note: A General practitioner M.D. can suggest one if a friend cannot).

10. So, what is the goal of all this work?

The right person for you is the one that makes your life better and whom you wish to make their life better. The right person is one that HAS YOUR BACK! If they do not, and/or you do not have theirs, then you are chasing pain, and preparing for your future offspring to live in pain.
That's pathetic. Look at your friends? Are they loyal and hardworking and care about who you are and what you feel - and are there for you - especially in a crisis? If so, you are emphasizing character and laying a life foundation. And your partner can be all that and MORE!!

Breaks CAN actually heal us for the better, as long as we fight to get the best of them. That's the challenge of life. How do we handle adversity??? If you handle it well, you are a rare person and are guaranteed great things. It's NOT EASY. I hope the 1-10 will make it a little easier. If you have to rush right to #4 it's OK. Just get yourself to as sane a place as you can handle ASAP.

(If any of this ends up being useful for you let me know.....)


You now have the advantage! ;)
You just named all the things I DIDN'T do right. I suppose because we had broken up early in the relationship and constant contact worked for me. I snuggled my way back in. Second time didn't work like that. Go figure...

Yep, that's why you do it. Getting back does not mean that it won't happen again.

To get the control back you need to get the relationship to a position where your needs and requests are being met. Staying close can keep you in the game, but unless you are willing to
"walk off the lot" you have no bargaining power. This is, of course, after solid adult communication has failed and your place in the relationship has decayed.

I have a question...
My ex and I broke up a few months ago but always talked after the break. We would have our disagreements about our relationship and stop talking but either he would call me days later or I'd text him. I think we're both afraid of losing each other (even though he has a new girlfriend -_-). But my question is, what if you've already tried NC but you never did it long enough to have a real outcome. Do you try again? What if he catches on to what I'm doing and ignores me until I finally give in? This is really hard.

If he already has a new girlfriend... I would not talk to him again. You deserve respect. It will make him wonder... what he's done wrong. Maybe I am not the person to give you this advice... but I would totally leave him alone... it's so sad... ignore him.

he has a new GF?????

You better ignore him.

If after 6-12 months you try again then so be it, but it's up to him to chase you now. He made the move to another.

GREAT ADVICE! Very wise words.
My ex broke up with me about 3 weeks ago and I was completley heartbroken. I tried the whole NC thing and struggled for a while.
But about 6 days ago she contacted me and asked how I was doing... I was hestitant to reply but did anyway, so I just told her I was doing fine. She told me she was glad to know I was and that she was real worried about me and how I was taking it (which I was quite surprised at). She has contacted me every other day since and we have made a bit of light conversation but nothing to serious.
We bumped into each other at a club last night and she gave me a hug and a kiss (on the cheek) and said she would talk to me later. She said she could be open to meeting for lunch sometime next week but wasn't to sure if she wanted to just yet and would let me know soon...
I'm really confused about what to do? After all she was the one who wanted to be single but it feels like she is giving me mixed signals... could she hinting at us getting together? Or is she possibly leading me on? What would be the appropriate actions to take?

It seems to be a game of chase, as I have experienced it... When my X boyfriend broke up with me... because I caught him cheating... I was heart broken too... it was totally unexpected.. thank God I found out when I did!!

Anyway, I didn't talk to him for a long time - the "NC" works. It hurts though... deeply. We were suppose to get married. But ask yourself... why did the X break up with you... this is the question you need to honestly answer to help yourself. My X figured out what he had done, and came back... wouldn't leave me alone. After his childish texting, emails and wanting me to do more business for him... I said enough. I decided I didn't want him in my life anymore after he lied to me and his friends over and over; if he's done it once he will do it again.

Think about why you want this person back. You want someone to love you for who you are, someone who you click with, you have an awesome chemistry with? Act like you don't care... I showed my X I could move on, without him in my life. It worked... he came back - and I didn't take him back... grass isn't always greener... and through all of this suffering... I met someone wonderful. Think about this. There might be a greater plan.

As the Guinness commercial says... Brilliant!

I bookmarked this so I can refer to it over and over. I had a break up (6 years together) and though I tell myself a lot of this... its good to hear that it works. The no contact is what I've never done. I have to commit to doing that. I can't give up pieces of myself every time I make myself available to him. Will he call me? Should I care? I think I do but hopefully I won't forever.

Thanks again... I will be re-reading this a lot in the coming months.

This is a great post my friend, thanks for this advice.

I have my ex of a few weeks who hasn't spoke to me or nor have I spoke to her, her birthday is dec 4. I really want to give her her presents, but what should I do? I ultimately want her to comeback, I mean I'm not sitting around moping or anything I just ultimately want her to love me and come back.

this is a great post my friend, thanks for this advice.

i have my ex of a few weeks who hasn't spoke to me or nor have i spoke to her, her birthday is dec 4. i really want to give her her presents, but what should i do? i ultimately want her to comeback, i mean i'm not sitting around moping or anything i just ultimately want her to love me and come back.

My thoughts... don't give her a present and keep the no contact going. You aren't being mean. If you really feel bad about it.. you could send a little email just saying Happy Birthday and leave it at that. Giving a present will open up wounds and make things tougher.

That was really strange reading that, without knowing it I'm all ready doing the 1-10 method, in the past when a relationship broke up I was allways tried to win them back,it was very close to begging them to come back, it only had the effect of pushing them further away and me feeling weak, anyway this last break up hit me the hardest in away I never thought possible, yes I tried to win her back but all I got was I love you "BUT" which only made it worse, if she had said I don't love you, yes that would have hurt but at leasts it's a reason, at the moment I have no answers why, I've asked myself every question possible, well I tried for amonth to no avail, until oneday I decided there was only one thing left for me to do about this, it was something I've never tried before and new it was going to be the hardest thing I have ever done, and that is simply" DO NOTHING" and it is hard but as each day go's by I get a little stronger and I know deep down I have made the right choice, and before you ask I still have that hope one day she will be back I'm not afraid to admit that, but it will have to be her that wants me back, it's the only way it could work, hope that makes sense

I wish I did this method! Oh well to late now :)

NEVER TOO LATE.

Don't beat yourself up over the past... it's about the present. The break up guide is about the present too :)

Excellent response!! It really made me feel lots better...
It doesn´t matter if she comes back or she doesn´t, even if I truly loved her for about 3 years, I think this words will help me a lot... I really don´t believe in "steps" for relationships (or for getting out of them), but your comment gave me hope and calm...
Thank You for your wise words

Excellent response!!! It really made me feel lots better...
It doesn´t matter if she comes back or she doesn´t, even if I truly loved her for about 3 years, I think this words will help me a lot... I really don´t believe in "steps" for relationships (or for getting out of them), but your comment gave me hope and calm...
Thank You for your wise words

Now you see why she is an 'Expert.':)

She? :-) LOL

She? :-) LOL

Oh Ash... I am so sorry... forgive me... I don't know why... I...

:-)

As many know I have had quite a time with my break-up. The last contact being a few days ago, when she returned my house key. She told me why, and in her words she lost her passion for me, and also she wants her independence. I know that passion is code for attraction, and I know some reasons it may have diminished. I ended things by telling her not to give up on us, as the passion was there this time last year, and I reminded her of a specific time it was demonstrated. She agreed, but said its not there now. I hope to get her back one day, as I know we were good with each other. I won't go into all the signs, and signals, but that belief is more than just my emotions from the break-up. I have no choice but to follow at lot of stuff on here, and figure out the stuff that I know is at the root of this. Stuff like my career focus, etc. I would like to send a small but innocuous gift for her birthday which is next month, but think that time frame is too soon, I don't plan on contacting before that. I've heard that even with NC not to forget significant days like the B-day, but again am wondering if 4 weeks is to soon. I'll do whatever advice is given here on the matter. If I send it, it would either be a book or the Fireproof movie(yes subtle msg)but I would not call. Just send it in the mail.

I hope the rest of this works. I really do, because we really are supposed to be together.

I hope to get her back one day,


I hope you get yourself back one day.

Right now, you need to focus on yourself. You are a broken man, desperate and lacking any confidence. That can be changed, but you have to make the decision and you need to make it today that this self abuse and self torture comes to an end. That won't cure the pain of the break up, but neither will anything else your doing.

NC is no contact. There are no exceptions. I don't care when her birthday is, she is not owed a gift, she has not earned a gift, and you better not give her gift. The only gift you need to start giving is that to yourself. All this love you want to give her, turn it inward because right now that's who needs it most and that's who deserves it more.

This is a great post. It really helped me out when I first started the healing process. It has been almost 3 months of strict NC and I feel 100 times better than I did. In all honesty it has taken me approximately 7 months to get where I am now, but only the last 3 months have been strict NC. NC works wonders if you give it time. There was a poster on here named WildCat21 that would always advocate the NC rule. He would always tell posters to go NC for at least 3 months and see how they felt at the end. Looking back he was right, as was Tal and all the other guys on here. NC works! I remember a few months back, I was still talking to her every week and wasn't really making progress. Not talking to her at all has definitely allowed me to move forward.

I will not say that it is easy AT FIRST. As you keep plugging along and sticking to NC it does get easier. You will still have "feelings" at times, but you will learn not to act on them. It also helps when your ex doesn't try contacting you.

As these "feelings" fade, you will rediscover life and rediscover the opposite sex. It will be different, but fun. Just take things one day at a time. Soon enough you'll start to see the light at the end.

Well put. A real motivator for others who are in pain.

The work is LOGGING THE DAYS. Stringing them together when you want to quit NC. Well done. Good luck to others who are in the process too.

I had one NC last 9 months once to get my head clear!
And 12 months to start with someone new...

Ash, you're my hero! :)

Anyone that survives a bad break up and moves onto something healthier and better is a hero... hopefully that can be everyone on here. :-)

I mailed back all the cards and gifts, now I feel bad as if I'm saying you I agree with you its over, should I like contact her and just say I hope you got the stuff that I mailed it hurt but I can't keep them around?

Or should I still maintain my sielnce.

I mailed back all teh cards and gifts, now I feel bad as if I'm saying ya i agree with you its over, should I like contact her and just say I hope you got the stuff that I mailed it hurt but I can't keep them around?

or should I still maintain my sielnce.

Maintain silence, its obvious you didn't want the stuff around,she will know this. Don't break NC

Hello,
I've recently broken up with my boyfriend... he was lying to me about talking to other girls, and just lying about everything really. Come to find out after fighting for two days about something that I thought was bothering him, and him insisting there was nothing, he finally spilled it that the girlfriend he had before me is late and might be pregnant. WOW.. what a shock. I promptly told him we were done and that I'd go by in a couple days to pick up my stuff. When I went to his house, mainly to see his son one last time and say bye, the ex was just acting weird, even reached out once and touched me lovingly on the face! I completely ignored that. And when I was leaving, he gave me a long, heartfelt goodbye hug, looked me dead in the eyes, said he was sorry, and kissed me on the cheek. It took everything in my power to drive away after that. I was shaking.
Since the break up, I get so antsy not talking to him that I end up texting him by some power that I can't control. So I text him but that always turns into a fight because I am still mad at what he did to me. After a spat yesterday morn, we have not spoken at all. I have been trying my damndest to be silent.. but it is so hard! How do you stop talking to someone you have talked to everyday for months non-stop? I feel so lonely!
Another problem I am having is I snoop... not proud of it, but I know his passwords to hotmail, myspace, and Facebook, and cannot stop the compulsion to snoop. I am just severely hurt by the whole ordeal. What do I do?

Here's what you do:


1. STOP ALL CONTACT
2. NO Hotmail, myspace, and Facebook sneaking.
You are violating him the way he did you. Do you want to be the same?
3. The pain you are feeling is a result of wanting his love and attention but knowing its wrong since he is no good for you and cheated on you.
4. The pain can sometimes get worse the first 60-90 days... then it will get a little better each month. Each month after that it will get just a little better -- but still feel scary. But you will be a step CLOSER TO HEALED EACH MONTH.
5. NO CHEATING (no contact) or the clock will RESTART. You need to begin your healing NOW... get to your magic number of 90 and DO NOT GIVE IN.
6.The tougher it gets... The more it hurts it is just a reminder you need to focus. PAIN=REMINDER.
7. NO Hotmail, myspace, and Facebook sneaking. (I had to repeat that)
8. NO Hotmail, myspace, and Facebook sneaking. (I had to repeat that AGAIN)
9. START NOW and get your day counter going.
10. Check in here when you feel weak and people will get you through this!

*11. It could be worse... you could be pregnant and trapped!!

[B]

2. You are violating him the way he did you. Do you want to be the same?

*11. It could be worse....you could be pregnant and trapped!!!

That is true.. Thank you so much for your advise. And no I don't want to be the same. I want to heal just like everyone says I should. I don't think I have ever healed from previous relationships (and one marriage and divorce!). Im taking up the piano and possibly will go to a counselor. I just need to learn how to stay busy to not think about him ALL THE TIME. It's a constant pain every time I think about him. I hope this gets better soon!

One other option: Say what you have to say to him.
Whether it's anger or hurt and then tell him it is 100% over and TIME WILL HEAL. GUARANTEED!!

START THE HEALING. Get a calendar and you'll see that every 90 days you are a little better... until... you are OK and solid.

If you do not cheat and look in on him and work on yourself and not worry about a relationship defining you but rather being something to share together.

YOU WILL MAKE IT... talking to a counselor is a great idea while you heal.

I'll give this step a go in my quite impossible situation. :)
My situation is at this link:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/can-anyone-guide-me-seemingly-impossible-situation-me-370092.html

Your advice and guides is much appreciated mate. :)

Glad to help!

One day at a time...

Ash

The silent thing actually works.

I spoke to one girl recently who is still stewing about her Ex. She was the breaker and he was the breakee, but he NEVER broke NC and she always wondered but was too fearful after many months to call and say hi.

Is the breakee losing something by being stubborn? Does the fact that a hot (really hot) girl is still wondering about him make any difference?
Well, there's no need to keep score or be spiteful, and maybe it does make a difference since she's too scared to act. But if history is any indication, if she is not strong enough to communicate, the relationship is not strong enough to change whatever made her run in the first place.

I believe in second and sometimes third chances, but there has to be big changes for the time off to matter, so I let it be. I think they are both stuck until another person gives them some new perspective.

Love is a crazy thing.
Lust is a schyzophrenic thing.
Time is the one thing you can't control and don't want to waste.

Happy hunting.

Ash

Thanks for this Ash.

I really needed it - My long term girlfriend who works at the same place as me left me for another guy at the same work place. I have to deal with it /them on a daily basis.

She set up the relationship with him while with me and left me when she was ready. It all came out afterwards -devistated or what. She did not care about my feelings at all and could not understand why I did not what to emain friends.

This was seven months ago and it still hurts. I've maintained NC but sometimes I get close to saying something ( have been a bit blunt with him at times) but have said nothing.

This guid has helped me maintain my stance. She e-mailed me happy birthday in May and I crack and reply with " think about my feelings before sending me a message". It's true I instantly felt I lost a bit of control after.

As hard as it is I will stick by this guide -thanks.

For some reason though I keep blaming myself I do wish I could control that.

Ash... What comes after NC? Really curious.

Silence with her. Yes. Maintain. But if any boundaries violated in work-place do speak up.

SPARKY: (to him) i.e. "dude, i value my job and being professional. But imagine if I'd done that you...how would you feel? Think about it.
keep that in mind. And it will make all our lives easier...


FEEL FREE TO ADD: "In a way you did me a favor. If I was dating a girl like that and didn't know it sooner, I would have been wasting a lot of valuable time."

CARLSON: See #6.

All right Ash. :)

NC since 29th June

JUNE 29th?

That's like freakin yesterday!

If you break NC that is just... silly.

Go rent some funny movies and hang out with friends.

Her life is not suddenly amazing... she is just doing what people do... try out their freedom. It feels good. Unfortunately for you, it feels crappy. But it's the universe's plan to let you find what you deserve.

Errr ash now is July man. Haha! :D its been about a month I go NC. :)

You have a long way to go my man... get busy.
A month?! That is NOTHING.

I didn't speak to a girl for a year... another 5 years.
All came back :-) and I was always dating someone else. It sucks... but a man always says what's on his mind and in his heart and moves on.
Women respect that... be alpha not alphalpha (little rascals).

NC is not a game. It's life.

Even if is a short relationship like close to 5 months? Lol.
I dun think I need to say my story here.
I can't lie to myself but deep down I like my ex a lot. Although I'm with another girl now. :)

Even if is a short relationship like close to 5 months? Lol.
I dun think I need to say my story here.
I can't lie to myself but deep down I like my ex a lot. Although I'm with another girl now. :)

Thanks for your help Ash.

NC is working for me - I think because of the work and I hear about things. It's just going top take that bit longer to heal. This site does help.

Although I didn't do anything major wrong is the self blame natural? I keep feeling why did I do this or that or reasure her and this would not of happened.
In the last month of our relationship after she had started contacting with the new guy - her behaviour was terrible towards me. She has 2 children from a previous relationship who I was very close with - I didn't like it for them to see her like that so I tip toed around it thinking it was a phase or something. Thing is she would text and e-mail during this time saying how much she loved me. It got very confusing.

OK I have a question I met this girl one and half year ago and we liked each others a lot stayed together for 6 months and than all of sudden she goes I'm not ready for commitment. I said OK that's fine but next day she comes back and said sorry and we were back together again but after 2 months she just broke up with me.and said she can't talk to me anymore. I stayed cool and let her go but after 3 months she comes back again and started to talk to me the same way like before so one day I got really upset and told her to leave me alone so she left and now she's back again and indicating that she still cares about me one day she acts like my girlfriend next day she acts like a stranger I'm so confused what to do I talked to her a week ago after that I just backed off she hasn't contacted me neither I contacted her but she comes online and have this romantic away message which bothers me because if she doesn't want to be with me why doesn't she just leave me alone. What do you think I should do now I do love her a lot and I don't want to end this looking like some kind of game

These girls sound unstable and unreliable (sparky and carlos and carloson)
MOVE ON... time will heal you if you just log your time...

These girls sound unstable and unreliable
MOVE ON (sparky and carlos and carloson)... time will heal you if you just log your time...

I spoke to one girl recently who is still stewing about her Ex. She was the breaker and he was the breakee, but he NEVER broke NC and she always wondered but was too fearful after many months to call and say hi.

Is the breakee losing something by being stubborn? Does the fact that a hot (really hot) girl is still wondering about him make any difference?
Well, there's no need to keep score or be spiteful, and maybe it does make a difference since she's too scared to act. But if history is any indication, if she is not strong enough to communicate, the relationship is not strong enough to change whatever made her run in the first place.

I believe in second and sometimes third chances, but there has to be big changes for the time off to matter, so I let it be. I think they are both stuck until another person gives them some new perspective.

Love is a crazy thing.
Lust is a schyzophrenic thing.
Time is the one thing you can't control and don't wanna waste.

Happy hunting.

Ash

Wow. This really hit a nerve in me.

My ex of 6.5 years (off/on) have been broken up for about a month now but we only moved out of our apartment about a week ago so it was NC for a week until he contacted me via Facebook message 2 days ago. I kept the conversation very short (less than 5 minutes) and said I had to go. Not sure if he wanted to talk because he missed me or because he wanted to make sure that the landlord was going to send me the money he owes me. I guess if NC starts over, then it's only day 2:(

ANYWAY, I'm going NC. Two of the times we broke up for an extended period I did not use this method (it was hard because we were still in high school and had the same friends, same clubs, were in theatre together, etc). The last time I may have used NC unknowingly because he started dating someone else almost immediately and I was so angry/hurt that I didn't talk to him for a while but in the year that we weren't together we still had some form of contact.

This time the NC is for real. Sometimes I wonder why I'm doing it. I know that whether he comes back this time I will still come out a better person for doing it. My urges to contact him aren't as strong as I thought they would be but he's still the first person I want to call when I'm either extremely happy/extremely sad.

I get scared sometimes because I know he will be taken completely off guard by me not trying to get in touch with him in some way. It scares me because I sometimes feel like he will be too scared that I am angry with him to try and contact me and that just keeps us apart. When our relationship ended this time I knew that he still has a lot of growing to do and I think that only when/if he contacts me is when I'll know he has grown.

Ash, I love your post. I think it will really help me. Here is the link to my thread if you can give me any kind of personal insight:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/really-over-time-377035.html

JAMMA,

I did not read your other post, but based on this post:
You are not using NC right... it's not just to get the other person to contact you. It's for yourself. NC can get a person to contact you, but if they just come back after they hook up with someone else or are bored or suddenly lonely - that is not good. Did he break up? If so, I'd let it go... you all have been doing this break up/make up thing for too many years... and he may be wasting your time...

Hang in there

A

So how long do I do NC? Forever is the answer I think.

We've been in a relationship on/off for 12 years. In between that we had a two year break then got back together.

Now it is all a mess. Again.

I was trying this NC thing. The first two days were easy because I was mad.

Now I'm finding excuses to get in touch. I already text once (some family issue, I knew would be upsetting to my ex, hope u OK etc... no "i love u etc") and sent an email. The email was about two lines because I had to organize some stuff to be finalised. Am I being to hard on myself expecting to be able to NC straightaway..?

I feel so weak no cutting off straightaway...

Say what you have to say and then GET AWAY to NC.

But make sure you consider that you need another person.

You all have done this too many times, so it takes extra effort.

In case you were wondering about the usefulness of the guide, I just had another field test result: 2+ years and an another EX broke NC! It takes a while and I'd hoped you'd moved on but if you follow the steps it all works out in the end. If you need "closure" when they offer it - do it if you can handle it. The brain needs calm ends sometimes.

Hey Ash I really like your guide. I found out right before the break up that the girl I love got added through Facebook by her Ex. It really hurt and during the break up talk, I asked her if it was someone else or if she was going back to her Ex. She said clearly no it was not and that he added her and they are both past their relationship. They went out for a year, I went out with her for three years. It really hurts to find out that she accepted his request because that means they have established contact. Anyway she tells me that we need to break up yet she needs more time and if we were to get back together it would have to be a fresh start. Am I just being held onto as rebound? Should I even take her back if she were to come back? Because I am really hurt that she and her Ex made contact "coincidentally" during our break up.

EX's are ex's. RELAX. They have their own baggage.
Don't add more :-) I wouldn't sweat it. Give it all time.

Go slow... Women like to chase and then be pursued :-)
Go figure.

Thanks Ash I suppose I knew the answer already I just wanted confirmation. I brought her flowers and apologized fresh after the break up, she took them but told me more time is needed and that if we got back together we have to start all over again. Then I called her later that night because I couldn't sleep or eat and she said she would talk to me as a friend nothing more and I poured my heart out for a whole hr on the phone until 4am and she said its getting late and she had to pee since the conversation began and sleep for work (kinda funny lol). I wish I read your guide before I did all that because that's what I did last before the NC period. Do I still have a chance? Or did I push her further away? Sorry if I made this too long.

Why did you beak up?

We have been arguing a lot lately and she told me that every time we argued, she would loose feelings for me. But sometimes I had to bring the topic up that she always spends time with her friends (all guys) and that there is never any room in between for me. How can we get better if she never gives us any time together besides a cpl hrs after work once a week or something like that. The last time we saw each other she made plans with her friends but it fell through and I felt like I was just someone to fall back on. I told her that and she never says anything comforting so I just left. After that she tells me we need to break up and we need more time. I panic and tried to talk to her. She told me to stop... like STOP every time I try to say a word. Like I said she took the flowers and I saw her try to hide her smile but man... girls are confusing. I know we need the break but things do not look good anymore. I wonder all the time if she still thinks of me. Do you believe in the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater?"

I think you should post your own thread so you can get more replies.:-)

I did but for some reason it got deleted...

Post it again-you will get a lot more replies.:-)

I wish I had seen these seps two weeks ago, I said I loved him he said he needed space - yet continued to text me, I was hurt, confused and really didn't understand, worse of all I was emotional, I regret it now because I have pushed him away, but where as before he wanted a break he now thinks we should be friends but doesn't think we will end up back in a relationship again.. . He admitted a week ago that I was amazing and that he did care but was scared. But now I have tried to understand I have pushed him away :( will these steps help to get him back? I guess I need to embrace our friendship - but it hurts so much because I really love him.

Hi Brambley sorry about your breakup-if you post your own thread you'll get more answers and advice.:-)

Thank you I just did this :)

Great advice. If I could add one bit of advice which has helped me loads:

Whether you are "on a break" or have just been dumped. Channel the hurt and pain into improving yourself. Go to the gym when you feel upset, find a new job, make an effort to make new friends and just generally keep yourself busy. Whatever your agenda is, improving yourself will aide in achieving this, whether improving yourself will bring your ex back or help you find someone new, or as in my case you are not sure then either. It will also keep you busy and keep your mind off things.

Yes, stay busy. And always keep your mental health and physical health top of the list... I have had ex's circle back and I did not allow them back as friends or lovers until I was in the place I wanted to be. Enjoy the journey. Thanks for adding your personal experiences and thoughts. Good stuff!

Good post Ash.

Good post Ash.

Thanks...

Peace is the goal... one day at a time.

Lol these are perfect!
I think that I have done
All and I'm okay?

Lol these are perfect!
I think that I have done
all and im okay?

I hope so!

It's been a while since I added to this Guide. But after testing it a few times I have to say that it has always been valuable to me... This month I am actually being forced to test it again. I wish it were not the case. My girlfriend, who works as a fashion model and a community volunteer had wowed me pretty good. But she still has some growing up to do and Ash is about to be single again. Chase her? I cannot. It was her decision. Call her? I cannot. She has to earn it. She emailed me 3x but all were so light in content that I did not think a response was warranted since no mention of a life plan... So, I am going to grit my teeth and live the survival guide myself. It ain't going to be fun, and I may lose her, but what girl wants to be chased when she wants space? Only those that want more attention... and that was not her issue. She does have some cute friends though... :-)

I really needed this... thank you so much.

No worries... Hope the guide doesn't get buried/lost on here :-)

HANG IN THERE BUD!

Ash I was reading the other thread you posted a link to... you have awesome advice. Would you mind skimming through my thread and dropping a comment or two? It would help out so much and I would greatly appreciate it

This is just what I needed- first day or putting my foot down and saying stop playing with my heart. It's tougher than anything I have done but it needs to be done.

Thanks

Thank you for this. Will definitely read again.

HOLD THE LINE.

Their power fades when you focus elsewhere.

What is really the point of this? Giving hope to people so that they can move on? Usually when you break up or the ex break's up, there's only one thing to do: No Contact and move on without looking back.

The point is since it is taboo to ever talk about a reunion,
And no contact is key, (which much of the above refers to)
If you HAVE to get closure later, and take a risk come hell or high water - do it right.
It is risky. The breaker rarely comes back for real unless it's a significant time.
And on their terms.
Life is a crap shoot.
NC is best.
A shot in the dark is at every person's discretion.
And that's what the above is.

The breaker rarely comes back for real unless it's a significant time. You mean if the relationship lasted for quite some time then, or..

I mean the time-off is significant. Not the time in the relationship.

Breakers circle back all the time to communicate, but they need time before any progress is made. In fact, I'd bet if every breakee never spoke one syllable, except for maybe a nice work on the way out - the breaker would track them down nearly every time... BUTTT not necessarily to get back together... Just to close the loop. To see what was there. None of it is pretty.
But silence is golden most of the time.

Hey Ash, I have a question.
Ive read through, oh id say about 7 pages, but nothing that was posted
Really stuck.

Here's my situation:
First, ill say that I am 16, and she is 15 (Yes, I know, it isn't the end of the world if it doesn't work out, since we are both young and dumb)
We have been together just a hair past two years (as of April second),
But are coming across another rough spot/possible break up.
Im not sure when, but about last January, she said she wanted a break, for about a week. Still be a couple, but only on a technicality.
We still talked, but diddnt act like a couple.
I said OK, and did just that. A week later, she wanted back, and we got back, and were happy again.
But now she says there's another problem; she's starting to not love me anymore.
Still cares, and there isn't another person, and it isn't a sex based relationship (both of us are virgins, actually).
She doesn't want to give up, because she DOES remember all the good times we have had, and how good of a BF I have been.
I honestly do love her, and want it to work out. Guess I grew up a little fast and skipped the stage where all teens just want to f***.
I think she does still love me too, due to what I said above, she just.. can't see it/something like that.
I have changed a bit since we met, mostly things I knew she would want changed to be happier as an individual and as a couple.

Right now, I honestly haven't a clue what to do. It seems like she wants to love me, but cant. Ive told her how I feel, wrote her a song, and talked about it.
I don't have enough experience to know where/what to do to make this better again,
And I was asking for a little help.
Thanks

Great thank you.

Right.. thank you

Really good post.

I strongly agree that cutting contact (No Contact) is an immediate must following a break up if just to let the emotions settle and get a grip on the situation. Plan rather than react.

I like the maturity your post shows in understanding that if you actually want to get back with your EX you actually have to communicate after a period where as the typical negative blokes on here will just say, "No Contact, never speak to them again...". While in some cases fitting advice, in others just a cop out for their failures. I think what many don't accept is that this "period of time" means months rather that days and that sometimes you just can't put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

Hey ash

Just wondering if you could advise me here.

So this is my situation.. my girlfriend and I have been going out for 10 months now we have know each other for about 4 years and yeah anyway everything was going awesome until about 2 weeks ago she wasn't answering my calls. She finally responded and felt like she was being suffocated and needed time to find herself again. So I didn't contact her for a week and I ran into one night when I was out, I wasn't giving her any attention so she pulled me away and hugged me and kissed me and said she just needed time to find herself, I said no worries and left her with a kiss on the hand. She contacted me two days later saying she wants to go on a picnic so we arranged to go on Friday. I was contemplating messaging her to arrange where we should go and stuff but I thought that she wanted this so she should try and get me back. Is this a right course of action. I know what I did was wrong by calling her all the time so I'm doing the opposite now.

Hey Ash, I have a question.
Ive read through, oh id say about 7 pages, but nothing that was posted
really stuck.

Heres my situation:
First, ill say that I am 16, and she is 15 (Yes, I know, it isnt the end of the world if it doesnt work out, since we are both young and dumb)
We have been together just a hair past two years (as of April second),
but are coming across another rough spot/possible break up.
Im not sure when, but about last January, she said she wanted a break, for about a week. Still be a couple, but only on a technicality.
We still talked, but diddnt act like a couple.
I said ok, and did just that. A week later, she wanted back, and we got back, and were happy again.
But now she says theres another problem; shes starting to not love me anymore.
Still cares, and there isnt another person, and it isnt a sex based relationship (both of us are virgins, actually).
She doesnt want to give up, because she DOES remember all the good times we have had, and how good of a BF I have been.
I honestly do love her, and want it to work out. Guess I grew up a little fast and skipped the stage where all teens just want to f***.
I think she does still love me too, due to what I said above, she just..cant see it/something like that.
I have changed a bit since we met, mostly things I knew she would want changed to be happier as an individual and as a couple.

Right now, I honestly havent a clue what to do. It seems like she wants to love me, but cant. Ive told her how I feel, wrote her a song, and talked about it.
I dont have enough experience to know where/what to do to make this better again,
and I was asking for a little help.
Thanks

Buddy, I got to tell you - you need to take time away. Remember Romeo and Juliet? They were just a little younger... You will never be the entire you unless you live a bit more... Let her go for now... She will not forget you. Heck, in a couple years you may even date again. You are blessed to have had more of a relationship than most people your age!

Can you handle that?
Letting go is the #1 thing to help you and the girl actually do better. And following her only makes her feel guilty - not more in love.

hey ash

just wondering if you could advise me here.

so this is my situation.. my gf and i have been going out for 10 months now we have know each other for about 4 years and yeh anyways everything was going awesome until about 2 weeks ago she wasnt answering my calls. She finally responded and felt like she was being suffocated and needed time to find herself again. So i didnt contact her for a week and i ran into one night wen i was out, i wasnt giving her any attention so she pulled me away and hugged me and kissed me and said she just needed time to find herself, i said no worries and left her with a kiss on the hand. She contacted me two days later saying she wants to go on a picnic so we arranged to go on friday. I was contemplating messaging her to arrange where we should go and stuff but i thought that she wanted this so she should try and get me back. Is this a right course of action. I know what i did was wrong by calling her all the time so im doing the opposite now.

Be nice, but still too early for a reunion.
She is keeping you close, but not ready for a relationship.
I'd say you have something else going on... But wish her well.
NC is always a choice if you think she's done and you are not.

Can u reas through mine questions?? The title is what's going on in his head? Please and thank u

can u reas through mine questions??? the title is whats going on in his head?? please and thank u

I read your post.

That is a relationship where NEITHER side was benefitting.
I am sorry but my advice is to establish NO contact.
No texts, emails, visits, run ins, calls, photos, for 3 months.
Then return her if you need a "tune up"

What is going on in his head? Not much I can repeat here.
It's not a healthy relationship.

How old are you? Focus on career and school if still studying.
I know it hurts - but it will only hurt more when you break up again.

HANG IN THERE! WE ARE HERE.
ASH

Hi Ash123,

I must start by adding what a wondering job you are doing here, changing and helping people to move on and repair their lives! I guess you are the cement that keeps the world together. Here's a little bit about the recent happenings in my life;

I have just read the whole thread and under going no contact, my EX - Gf broke up around the middle of March. We've been together for just over three years, we both live close together when she's back from university and only 1 train ride away from Uni so traveling and constant contact wasn't a problem, along with my fantastic talk plan I have. She's now in the US studying abroad, she left in January, supposed to be coming back on May 12 though she might stay for one month to do some traveling.

The first three months her stay in America was very lonely as she was stuck at her dorm on the computer all the while, we noticed we had problems but I was adamant the distance was the root cause of the problem even though part of her explanation was 'I can't be in a relationship where I feel stressed and not knowing what was the cause of it'. Then she started making friends and after spring break I was suddenly dumped. Her explanation was 'feelings have changed' but still want to be friends, her closest friend in America is a bloke so automatically I switched into jealous over inquisitive mode, and looked at the photos her friends posted on Facebook only to find she's linking up arms on many photos with this new found friend, and being physically intimate as she would do with me.

She insists that we be friends but cannot ever go back to how it was, and there was no space for reconciliation. She told me she was not looking for a boyfriend, and that she would like to have fun and to be sad anymore. She says she doesn't miss home as she used to anymore and I guess I'm a part of home. I have told her in my email how I felt and where I stood, the last communication was a friendly general chit chat which I call 'cr*p' as it doesn't nothing but act as a time wasting check up nonsense.

I have spent the last month or so improving my life, being a trainee concert pianist I have found the perfect release... I feel I have moved on a little, photos of us doesn't hurt as much as I anticipate and that sad songs aren't about me anymore. I have removed her from social networking sites but left one communication and that is skype, last week she wrote to me and initiated contact. At that time I felt I was ready to speak with her but chose to commit to the Non Contact rule until a few weeks after she returns (I have items which belongs to her). Does my actions in not speaking with her be detrimental to a 'possible' reunion?

So my options are;

A: Do I not reply to anything that is written, especially on IM as it is informal?

B: Do I not answer calls if she calls me?

C: See how it goes when she comes home?

D: Completely ignore, return her belongings and continue no contact?

I have a feeling you'll say no contact is no contact...

Ignore her.

If she needs anything, let her have it.

No need to be hostile with her, but no need to put yourself in harm's way.

Let her be.

More questions?

Thank you :)

Only the recent two days have I really understood the meaning of no contact, there are so many websites that says 'no contact - can win your girlfriend back' I find that those articles (advertisements) prey on the weak and give them tonne of false hope only to be hurt again.

I can see after a breakup the breakee changes into a low self esteem, depressed character and the only feeling you'll get from your ex is sympathy nothing more nothing less. Everything will be based upon sympathy, luckily I haven't got to this emotional state.

Being strong, being great, being the exact person you were 'could' trigger old memories? Probably...

I saw a few weeks ago you had to initiate the no contact drill, what has happened since then?

Thank you :)

Only the recent two days have I really understood the meaning of no contact, there are so many websites that says 'no contact - can win your girlfriend back' I find that those articles (advertisements) prey on the weak and give them tonne of false hope only to be hurt again.

I can see after a breakup the breakee changes into a low self esteem, depressed character and the only feeling you'll get from your ex is sympathy nothing more nothing less. Everything will be based upon sympathy, luckily I haven't got to this emotional state.

Being strong, being great, being the exact person you were 'could' trigger old memories? Probably...

I saw a few weeks ago you had to initiate the no contact drill, what has happened since then?

1) Being yourself without worrying about your ex is key. Remove them and you can :-)
2) My ex has been contacting me, but I'm kind of tough. I ignore it. Takes a lot to get me to circle back.

First of all, great great advice. I'm proud to say that I have been faithful to the no contact concept and have not initiated contact. However, today, she messaged me and asked for one of her belongings back. I responded. Simply with "Im busy but i'll drop it off one of these following days." and that was that. I was just planning to go to her one day and take 5 quick minutes to drop it off. No conversation but perhaps a quick "hello. here you go. bye." Should I have ignored the message and not replied? If I should have, what do I do now? What should my next step be?

First of all, great great advice. I'm proud to say that I have been faithful to the no contact concept and have not initiated contact. However, today, she messaged me and asked for one of her belongings back. I responded. Simply with "Im busy but i'll drop it off one of these following days." and that was that. I was just planning to go to her one day and take 5 quick minutes to drop it off. No conversation but perhaps a quick "hello. here you go. bye." Should I have ignored the message and not replied? If I should have, what do I do now? What should my next step be?

Sounds to me like you handled it well. Drop the stuff off, be polite and brief is what I would say

Sounds good. I'm just kind of scared as to how I'll act in those 5 minutes. I haven't seen her since the separation and I've been doing quite well. I'm just a bit scared that in that quick drop off I'll show a sign of weakness all of a sudden. Or should I take this as an opportunity to look strong and well and leave with that lasting impression?

Or, I was thinking, should I just drop it off at her front door and just message her and say her stuff is there? Or would that be weakness? What do you think Ash?

I would drop it off at YOUR convenience.
If she is there cool.
If she is not cool.
IF you do not want to talk to her, just do it when she is not there.
Leave a cordial post-it like: Here you go! (your name)
DONE. Down life's highway...

She feels guilty etc. IF you choose to cross paths, just be nice and smile and wish her well.
Don't linger and wait for some magic words! You all can talk one day a year from now if you are in the mood... :-)

Thanks a lot.

Now I'm getting a paranoid feeling that she might be looking to other guys. Particularly one of her short lived ex boyfriends who has recently been leaving Facebook comments and such. I know I shouldn't be checking up on her at all. But hey, I wholeheartedly agreed with the breakup and haven't initiated contact since. It's been about 3 weeks and I've actually felt great about the whole thing. Being free and all. But recently, these little thoughts in my head that there might be another guy around the corner is throwing me off even though I have no hard evidence. When we last spoke she said it wasn't about another guy. That it was just for her own space and didn't want to be involved with anyone. But I guess I should be prepared for the worst anyway.

Any tips on making sure I don't break down?

thanks alot.

now i'm getting a paranoid feeling that she might be looking to other guys. particularly one of her short lived ex boyfriends who has recently been leaving facebook comments and such. i know i shouldn't be checking up on her at all. but hey, i wholeheartedly agreed with the breakup and haven't initiated contact since. it's been about 3 weeks and i've actually felt great about the whole thing. being free and all. but recently, these little thoughts in my head that there might be another guy around the corner is throwing me off even though i have no hard evidence. when we last spoke she said it wasn't about another guy. that it was just for her own space and didn't want to be involved with anyone. but i guess i should be prepared for the worst anyway.

any tips on making sure i don't break down?

You need to just play a part. Pretend you are George Clooney in Oceans 11. Just drop the stuff off with a smile and get going... You can breathe in the car... lights. Camera. Action. Let me know how it goes. The scene should not be long so RELAX! Good stories later.

As for the boy that is making you nervous... Whateverrrrrrrrrrr dudeeeee :-)
Can you say that out loud? You are a free man. If she doesn't get your charms, it's her loss. She's just being friendly with people is all.

Sounds about right. Thanks a lot.

Throughout this experience I can say that I've learned sooo much. It actually seems like it's much better to be in this position as opposed to being the one who initiated the breakup because they're the one who has to live with their decision. They're the ones who'll have to ask "what if i was wrong?"

Being the breakee, there is only one road to take. The only way to go is to be strong and to focus on ourselves. And whether we do want them back, strength is the only answer. To me, that is a huge relief because life is so much simpler with only one direction to take.

Breaker feels guilt and some remorse.
Breakee feels pain and self-doubt.

Breaker seeks closure through friendship.
Breakee seeks closure through validation.

The one that wins is the one that focuses on making their life better
And not letting the other person's actions dictate theirs. Rejection hurts but it always teaches us a lesson. LEARN IT and you will gain much more than if you had stayed in the relationship and not grown.

Thanks Ash that last post is spot on! Lets hope my ex's reverse culture shock won't make her so different that her friends would push her away. In the mean time I'm getting better and I wish for the same for you too Ash.

So I am trying to follow the steps of NC and keep wondering about part 14.) OK, here's the controversial part. You can break the silence if you wish one time. But if you really were silent after the break 100% they should contact you first. But if you have to try once -After 3 months, send the most casual message you can. No agenda.
"(A short FYI about the weather or an activity)...and.....Hope you are doing well." Just something helpful to them....
Her birthday is coming up on the first of June. Should I call/txt regardless? She did txt and then call me on my birthday... however the last time we spoke she said it would be best if we don't speak for awhile. See this link for my story (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/she-cheated-but-instead-trying-work-things-out-she-asked-space-446289.html)

So I am trying to follow the steps of NC and keep wondering about part 14.) OK, here's the controversial part. You can break the silence if you wish one time. But if you really were silent after the break 100% they should contact you first. But if you have to try once -After 3 months, send the most casual message you can. No agenda.
"(A short FYI about the weather or an activity)...and.....Hope you are doing well." Just something helpful to them....
Her birthday is coming up on the first of June. Should I call/txt regardless? She did txt and then call me on my birthday...however the last time we spoke she said it would be best if we don't speak for awhile. See this link for my story (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/she-cheated-but-instead-trying-work-things-out-she-asked-space-446289.html)

I don't think so... see below:
"She said it would be best if we don't speak for awhile."

You are expecting too much from the conversation. The one contact should be when all is calm at a later date IF you feel your friendship is alive... she has not said do not contact.
So not now. No need to feel guilty.

So obviously there are a lot of people preying on broken hearts who come up with these solutions on how to get an ex back. How many out there are trying to sell false hope? What are the signs that it is absolutely over? And what makes your advice different from the millions of gurus out on the net?

Man, I wish I found this guide before I spent a month of my life begging her back and trying to fix things other then my own issues only for her to continue confusing me and hurting me.

Good work, Ash.

Best advice people.. listen to this list.. and remember that no matter what you do you CAN'T control your lost loved one. You can only make them see they're making a mistake by letting them miss you and come to that conclusion/realization on their own.

They had issues clearly.. If these issues are yours then improve them.. If the issues are theirs then you have to let them figure that out.. assuming they ever do. Don't hold your breath.

Don't forget: silence is power. Hold it until you are sure you can take bad news. It gives you one thing they don't have. Control over you. That should never be overlooked. You take back the power with absolute 100% silence.
Every layer you add (facebook, IM, email, phone, friends, hang-outs, family) that is not theirs will empower you.

NEWSFLASH: There WILL be other relationships, so LEARN from the last: why did they leave? Would you change anything? Was it their issue or yours?

Load 'em up. Move 'em out...

Ash

Ash,

Is there a way to email you or talk to you directly?

It is 6 in the morning and I woke up and cannot sleep, so I came here to share my story and maybe get feedback. I am a mess. Ash has impressed me and I hope I hear back from him as well. Forgive me, I am a little hung over.

We dated about a year, but only became serious about the last 6 months. He basically lived with me, had a key etc. We had problems and typical fighting. Every time he always seemed eager to work through it and always wanted to stay with me. Well, this time no. Wednesday of last week I was being stupid and needy, and complained that I didn't get enough affection. Blew it all out of proportion. Told him not to come over Thurs(the next night) cause I wanted to be alone. Thursday evening I got home from work and most of his stuff was gone. I immediately called him and asked why. He said he it was me that told him not to come, and he didn't know when he was coming back so he took a lot if his things. Then he said we should take a break for a few days until Monday(that just passed), and that maybe I need time away from him to realize he isn't so bad. I agreed to this even though I knew it would be hard for me.
The next night (Fri) I did well, I didn't contact him all day or evening, until I made the mistake of going on his Facebook (Its private but can still see his main pic) and it was a picture of him and a girl. I of course flipped out and called around midnight asking him is this picture about and told him to get the rest of his etc. He acted like I was crazy and said he would be glad to, and that he doesn't even know that girl and he liked the picture. Then said I am drama and he can't deal with it anymore. After we calmed down and talked on the phone for about an hour we went back to our original plan and agreed to wait until Monday before talking again and we would figure it out. He said we still needed a few days, and I said OK please don't come get your stuff until we decide what were going to do and talk, he said OK.

Now, fast forward. Gave him the time, didn't contact him all weekend. Monday finally comes, I am so excited and eager to talk to him. Been waiting all weekend. Text him in the afternoon, asking him to meet at my house and we can get a drink. No response. Text again a little later. No response. Call when I get off work. Nothing. Get home from work. Guess what, all his stuff is gone, Everything. Key on counter with a note saying "Here is your key back, Sorry it ended like this. I think you're a great person and I'll miss you, but I don't think we should get back together. Let me know if I forgot anything" Just like that. Done. He was gone. I tried calling A MILLION times after getting that note. Yes, I was in shock and hurt. He ignored all my calls. I begged him in a message to at least talk to me once. That he owed me at least a chance for us to talk as promised. I said everything I could and nothing, no response. I finally gave up and told him I would stop bothering him and that he broke my heart for ending it without even talking to me. Never heard a thing.

Then Tuesday comes(yesterday) I didn't contact him at all, was hoping to hear from him and thought maybe he just needed Monday to think. But no, never heard from him. I made the mistake of going out drinking last night and my dumb called him drunk sounding pathetic and asking for a ride and said if you give 2 s about me you will call, of course this was on his voice mail. Nothing, no response. Now I feel extra ty cause now he doesn't even care about my well being either and for all he knows I could have drove home drunk and crashed.
Now here I am wed morning. Lost, confused, hurt, angry, depressed. I understand the whole no contact thing. But my problem is, I never got to talk to him that one time I needed. I never got to get anything off my chest. I have absolutely no closure. I don't understand how after spending the night every night for several months, you can just vanish on someone and refuse to talk to them. It is not like I cheated or did something terrible to him. I never got to have my break up talk. I never got to talk to him like we planned and say any of my feelings. I feel so bottled up and he refuses to speak about anything with me. How can I move on when I feel like there is so much unfinished business? All I asked for was one conversation, and he won't do it. It's very bizarre.

Please help me to understand why someone would do this? Do you think he really just never wants to talk to me again?
Why would a breaker cut all contact, without even a single word or conversation? How could you do that do someone?
Do you think this sounds like someone who would contact me again?
And, how can I get through this when I feel like I never got my chance to talk to him about anything, he just disappeared? This is so hard.

I have so many memories of us in this house. Now out of the blue, my bed is empty and I sit here alone every night without any closure. It hurts so bad. One minute someone is with you every night, and then they are just gone without explanation. All I do is think of him.

If you made it this long, thanks for reading. Any help is appreciated. I may also make my own thread for other opinions, but I was really hoping to hear from Ash too. Thanks.

Ash,

Is there a way to email you or talk to you directly?

Email me on my message option...

"...We had problems and typical fighting. Everytime he always seemed eager to work through it and always wanted to stay with me. Well, this time no. Wednesday of last week I was being stupid and needy, and complained that I didn't get enough affection. Blew it all out of proportion. Told him not to come over Thurs(the next night) cause I wanted to be alone..."

1) Fighting is not typical... Disagreeing maybe. Fighting is not healthy.
2) Eager to work through it is not the same as compatible
3) Being needy is not stupid
4) I don't know if you blew it out of proportion or not, but you don't feel comfortable in this relationship. With yourself. With him.
5) You wanted to be alone. What is your relationship with your parents?
Do you need to be alone with them? Do you normally feel this emotion?

This relationship needs to be let go for now. I know this sounds crazy, but having him clear out was a favor. You need to be alone. To grow and think. Give it 90 days. Get a calendar. Put emotions in the boxes each day. They will change. I GUARANTEE there will be another love. And if you learn NOW you will thank me later. This happened for a reason.
You need time alone. Don't worry. All answers come when we relax. You will figure out the "clear out" one day... don't worry.

NC for now.

Ash, please read my other post on this thread about my situation and please share your thoughts

Ash, please read my other post on this thread about my situation and please share your thoughts

I did. See my comments above.

Don't panic.

Ok got your response, thank you. Can you help me to better understand his refusal to at least talk with me once to at least end it? I feel I deserved at least that, but he just left without letting me have a word and this is what I'm struggling with, he just vanished out of my life

And I'm panicking because I feel I have no way to move on cause there is no closure and I never got to speak to him at all

And I'm panicking because I feel I have no way to move on cause there is no closure and I never got to speak to him at all

Him not speaking is a protection mechanism.
My advice. If you sent him an email that was nice, leave him alone.
If you didn't, say something honest and nice about the relationship
And then leave it. I'd give him a long time. Closure? That comes with time.
I promise. What looks like a mystery becomes clarity when we do not try to control people and fate. He does not hate you. But if you bug him he may :-)

Okay but one last question, if I do nc which I will, given how he is being and our situation, do you feel he will ever contact me again?

Okay but one last question, if I do nc which I will, given how he is being and our situation, do you feel he will ever contact me again?

You tried to contact him right?
Say what you have to say, if anything not said, then go NC.

Will he ever respond?
One day you will talk. When? I don't know, but things will feel different.
You both need to recover. You can't think clearly yet. So you have to suffer right now and learn. Work on yourself, no matter how hard it is, (gym, classes, friends, laughter, career).So, when you recover you are a better person. Or this time is wasted.

Going NC is a breakee's right. No guilt.

You know this was a really good thread with advice on surviving a break up... so what happened?!

I sorry... I guess I don't understand why everyone feels they must post their breakup stories here instead of starting their own post and asking for advice.

Sorry ima, I'm new and really wanted ash's advice. Didn't see how I could email him.

Thank you ash, I was hoping and still do hope I hear from him. I was hoping you would tell me he will circle back, but I guess every situation is different and I may never hear from him

Thank you ash, I was hoping and still do hope I hear from him. I was hoping you would tell me he will circle back, but I guess every situation is different and I may never hear from him

Read all I wrote and it will make more sense soon

Cheers,

A

Hi,

So I am confused. I have a guy friend that I've had a crush on for a really long time. We were really close when we were younger and then we broke away for about 3 years. Recently he started talking to me again out of the blue and we became good friends again. He was popping up on me online every day almost and talking to me almost exclusivley in public. I started to wonder why he suddenly started being friendly again and if he maybe liked me. (I still liked him). So then his brother ( we will call him Fred) was hanging out with a friend and Fred told his friend he had a crush on me but it wouldn't work out because I liked his brother. His friend asked him how he knew and Fred said he came across his brother laughing at something on the computer and he asked what was so funny. His brother told him that he was laughing at me ( we were iming) because it was "so obvious that I liked him and it was adorable and so he kept talking to me to lead me on." I would like to clarify I am not sure how he arrived at that conclusion be cause HE was the one who started talking to me out of the blue. I never said a word to him and I never started any of those conversations except for once or twice when I needed to.

Anyway so Freds friend was really upset and told his sister Gabbie who is my best friend. She in turn broke it to me. I of course was really upset because I felt humilated but what I couldn't figure out was why he had kept this up this long. We had been talking now straight since Dec and it was all him! My first instinct was to tell him exactly what I thought of him. But I can't say anything because Fred and his friend, not to mention Gabbie would all get busted for it. After I found out he told me on IM how he got accepted into a law school and I was pretty stiff and cold about it. He kind of deflated and I ended the conversation quickly. Later that week I got thrown with him in a group gathering and I tried to ignore him but he kept trying to get my attention and I kept crushing him with rude remarks or ignoring him. Nothing would deter him though he kept trying to talk to me and getting my attention. By the end of the night I was pretty friendly to him but watching myself. And we parted on good terms. But this week when I have been online he hasn't talked to me at all whereas he used to talk to me everyday. I am not sure what I think of his behavior. Was he just saying that to his brother to make him think he doesn't like me? Or was he actually being a jerk. I really do like him aside from this episode and would like to keep him as a friend even though I might have to avoid contact for awhile. I haven't been talking to or pursuing him but let him be. Do you have any thoughts because I am very confused. Thanks :)

Hi,

So I am confused. I have a guy friend that I've had a crush on for a really long time. We were really close when we were younger and then we broke away for about 3 years. Recently he started talking to me again out of the blue and we became good friends again. He was popping up on me online every day almost and talking to me almost exclusivley in public. I started to wonder why he suddenly started being friendly again and if he maybe liked me. (I still liked him). So then his brother ( we will call him Fred) was hanging out with a friend and Fred told his friend he had a crush on me but it wouldn't work out because I liked his brother. His friend asked him how he knew and Fred said he came across his brother laughing at something on the computer and he asked what was so funny. His brother told him that he was laughing at me ( we were iming) because it was "so obvious that I liked him and it was adorable and so he kept talking to me to lead me on." I would like to clarify I am not sure how he arrived at that conclusion be cause HE was the one who started talking to me out of the blue. I never said a word to him and I never started any of those conversations except for once or twice when I needed to.

Anyways so Freds friend was rly upset and told his sister Gabbie who is my best friend. She in turn broke it to me. I of course was really upset because I felt humilated but what I couldn't figure out was why he had kept this up this long. We had been talking now straight since Dec and it was all him! My first instinct was to tell him exactly what I thought of him. But I can't say anything because Fred and his friend, not to mention Gabbie would all get busted for it. After I found out he told me on IM how he got accepted into a law school and I was pretty stiff and cold about it. He kinda deflated and I ended the conversation quickly. Later that week I got thrown with him in a group gathering and I tried to ignore him but he kept trying to get my attention and I kept crushing him with rude remarks or ignoring him. Nothing would deter him though he kept trying to talk to me and getting my attention. By the end of the night I was pretty friendly to him but watching myself. And we parted on good terms. But this week when I have been online he hasn't talked to me at all whereas he used to talk to me everyday. I am not sure what I think of his behavior. Was he just saying that to his brother to make him think he doesnt like me? Or was he actually being a jerk. I really do like him aside from this episode and would like to keep him as a friend even though i might have to avoid contact for awhile. I haven't been talking to or pursuing him but let him be. Do you have any thoughts because I am very confused. Thanks :)

I'd post this as a new thread...this is for break-up guide questions.

What if we already did the I hate you text thing to leave a bad impression at first

What if we already did the I hate you text thing to leave a bad impression at first

Wellllll... you both did?
I'd cool down for several months...

Update on my situation:

After weeks of putting off giving her her stuff back (legitimately because I was busy), she called me several times and said she wanted to pick them up. So I said OK.

We met downstairs of my apartment and that was that. Here you go. That's it. Bye. She calls me again a few minutes later and said she needed to come back because she forgot to give me something. So I said fine, come back and give it to me. She comes back, I take it and she asks how I was doing. I said good and asked how she was. She said good. Then she drove away.

I acted like I was in a hurry because I was. But there were things that she did that hinted strongly that she wanted to talk more but I refused. I also have a strong feeling that she wants to keep in touch with me. Maybe not to get back together, but at least to be friends.

To be completely honest, the past few weeks have actually been the happiest I've been in a long time. I have a lot of free time. I can focus on myself. I can focus on my career. I'm actually not so bothered about the whole break up thing anymore. I am free.

Now, one thing I'm scared of is her coming back and saying she wants to keep in touch. To be friends or whatever. At this point, I don't want anything to do with her. Maybe in the future, but absolutely not now. Never mind getting back with her. If we do get back together, it would take a lot of growing up on her part and I don't see that happening anytime soon.

Now I'm afraid that she'll start crying and trying to remind me of the good times to guilt me into keeping in touch with her. Any advice on how I can approach this if it does happen?

I think your doing everything correctly artstar. Seriously, I'm in the same shoes as you, in the sense that I'm not bothered by the break up anymore. I'm finally concentrating on the most important person in my world : ME! And it sounds like your getting back to what's important for you. I'm not familiar with your whole story (here's http://tiny.cc/story010410 (mine) if your interested ) Basically I would tell her that in a polite manner that your concentrating on yourself and your very busy with whatever your job entails. Plus, as much as you might be over her, what if she starts asking you for dating advice or worse tells you about the new guy she's dating. It's just to soon. It's clear that there is still tension between the two of you. If she pushes tell her to let it come naturally. If she forces you, you might resent her more.

I'm sorry if that was all a ramble. But I'm happy to say I can finally start giving back advice on this site. I was asking for so long and can now give back what I am learning.

Keep doing things to better yourself!

This guide is the best! I am already thinking possitively, and it has been over three weeks since I felt this good. Thank you!!

Good, hang in there!
One day at a time...

So I have been on the steps now for about 2 months.
And I have been doing very well, finding out who I am
and learning to love myself first, before heading out into
the dating world again. Anyway, getting to my question.
The X's friend, txt messaged me the other day "by accident"
claiming she was telling another friend how to spell my last name so she could send me something I had left at the house during a party a while back. I didn't recognize the number right away, but when I did I acted like the accidental txt was nothing. I was friendly and her friend messaged me back a few times about how she was. I never asked about the X, but does this mean I start at square 1 again? Even though I didn't make the initial contact?

All this over analyzing is silly, I know. But we all come here to ask these
silly questions, because others on here understand.

Thanks!

No,

You are not back at square 1.
You are fine.