*background*
ok so i started see in my boyfriend 3 weeks ago. he has a little boy from a previous relationship. we met through a mate and stated seeing each other. he lives about an hour away by car and i work during the week so we see each other on a weekend.

i love him to peices and im pretty sure its mutual. my problem is the mate that introduced us. she had known my boyfriend for a few years before she met me. the problem is she tells me and my boyfriend that she loves him. she has a long term boyfriend and is due to have his baby in a few weeks. since me and my boyfriend got together she has been awful to me. she tells him how much she loves him and that he is the only one for her. my boyfriend has mentioned to her about this and she has gone very defensive against me. i get the impression she wont be happy until we have split up. she makes me feel usless and not good enough for him. i dont want to fall out with her and i dont want my boyfriend to fall out with her either but i can't keep pretending it all ok and not getting to me.:confused: Second is that i dont know all that is said between them, i believe my boyfriend and im sure he wudnt do anything to hurt me but i can't trust her now. am I over reacting and what should I do? I don't want her to ruin the relationship I have with my boyfriend.

You should limit contact with this crazy female, and keep her out of your conversations with your b/f. If your b/f falls out with her, that's his business. Yours is to leave her alone.

If your boyfriend does not step in and tell this girl to get over her crush, infatuation, love (whatever you can call it) concerning him, then stop and wonder what he is getting out of this with this girl. He should be the one protecting you and putting the distance between this girl and you and him.

You can tell you boyfriend that something needs to be done regarding this girl or you are seriously considering the benefits of staying with him. You cannot be subject to her remarks to you, any personal attacks she makes, or anything beyond that from her. It is not healthy!

One thing, you say she makes you feel useless. To be honest, she is targeting your own self esteem issues and knows that this will "get you". It is often said that no one can make you a victim unless you have given them some kind of permission. Okay, you can say you never said that what she says and does is all right with you. But you tolerate it, you do not defend yourself, you do not tell her to cease and desist from doing those things to you.

If you feel you cannot defend yourself because of the boyfriend and afraid to lose him, he is not worthy having. Honestly. His baggage is right there, blocking your relationship with him.

Thanks for the advice. My boyfriend has told her not to say that she loves him and all the rest. He doesn't hear the convos and so he doesn't understand what I mean. She tells him one thing and me another. I'm in awkward situation as I don't want to loose my boyfriend or my mate. I just can't say leave me alone and my boyfriend wouldn't either. She makes me feel guilty about us being together. :(. She has told me I'm pushing her out. I feel so bad.

True friends give love and support, not conflct and confusion. With friends like that, who needs enemies. Come on dear, wake up, and see what your mate is doing and kick her to te curb, before she ruins everything.

How can I do that. My boyfriend is a mate to her as well and even though he said its her problem and if she carried on like it he wouldn't help but fall out with her. I don't no what to tell my boyfriend. I don't want to seem like now I'm with him I want her out of the picture and that its my problem. I just want time alone with him and her out of it all. She asks me if it bothers me her talking to him and that she would hate me if I stopped them talking.
What should I tell my boyfriend and what should I say to my mate? Thxs

I've posted before about a friend causing problems. Basically me and my boyfriend have been having problems. I don't know if this is because I'm insecure or if I'm just getting the wrong impression of things. He has panic attacks and has know 'the friend' for about 5 years. He tells her a lot about what he feels. When I talk to her she is able to tell me what he'd be doing, what he'd be feeling, what he likes and dislikes and what he will do, what me and my boyfriend have been doing, what he gave me for my birthday, when he was planning to ask me to stay over etc. he tells me that he only tells her a bit and that it is because she has had panic attacks like he has and can talk to her. I don't understand why he can't talk to me. Anyway she then tells me bits and pieces. I get the impression that she thinks I'm not good enough and he would be happier and better with her. This makes me feel stupid and useless and I end up feeling insure about everything. I love my boyfriend and want to be with him but I want him to talk to me as well as her. Am i really asking too much? He doesn't understand and when he asks for a copy of the conversation we had she sends him one and is careful about what's on it. I always look like the one who is in the wrong and making a big deal out of nothing. I tried explaining it another way and said well its not like (my ex) is telling you about me or what I like and don't like and what I'd b doing and thinking etc and he said well I wouldn't want to know, I'd want to find it out for myself. So I told him yeah that's sort of what I mean and he just said that it isn't his fault and told me to tell her that I want to find out for myself. He doesn't understand how I feel and can't see it from my point of view. Am i really the one seeing it all wrong? he told me that I make him feel like feel like s**t and a bad boyfriend of which I replied well don't worry I feel like a bad girlfriend every time I end up speaking to (the friend). Now I think about it I can see that he would feel bad but my heads so messed up and I don't know what to think. I don't want to loose him and I know he is having doubts as each time we argue its about the same thing. How do I make this work? I love this guy. Please help! :'( Sorry its so long.

To be honest it sounds as if your boyfriends friend likes him and is trying to throw their friendship in your face to make you feel insecure. I would tell your boyfriend in plain terms that you feel threatened by this friendship and that you feel that he confides in his friend more then he does with you. I would tell him that you consider the confidante role in a relationship to be very important and that you feel that by him always confiding in his friend that he is basically making you feel blocked from his feelings.

I would not let this friend make you feel insecure. Good luck.

She has had feeling for him for awhile and had openly admitted that. She tells him she loves him and send him hugs etc this was discussed and he told her not to say things like that. However she still does. I met him through her and when he asked if she would mind us being together as he was planning to ask me out she said it was fine us being together. She said she was jealous. But she has a long term boyfriend and is due to have his child in a few months. How can I make my boyfriend understand that I feel blocked out and not part of his life. I don't have a problem him talking to her but there are certain things I think should be private and that it is more important for us to be able to talk than it is for him and her to be able to talk. He also has a 2 year old son from a previous relationship. This is not a problem to me and generally he does include me but occasionally he doesn't and it makes me feel like he doesn't trust me or I'm not an important part in his life.

how can i make my boyfriend understand that i feel blocked out and not part of his life..

I would tell him just that. I would try to tell him the gentlest way possible. Maybe tell him how much you love him and how much you love your relationship but that sometimes you feel blocked out of his life. Tell him that you don't think he does it on purpose but that you have to say something because its hurting your feelings. Tell him you don't want to start an argument but you have to get out how you feel because you want your relationship to be good and work smoothly. I would tell him that you just want him to open his life to you a bit more and to keep the private things in your relationship private.

Hopefully that will work. If he's not completely dense he should change and open up some more.

Thanks, il try and put it in a positive way. Not that I've done well so far. What should I do about the friend and am I over reacting?

I don't think you are over reacting at all. Women have gut instincts that tell us when someone is interesting in our man. Its biological. I would try and tune her out. Maybe try a little saying I your head, something like "how sad that she is so hung up on him and has no chance" - something that's affirming to you and will make you feel good.

I agree with Glinda above. Also, while it is your bf's right to have the friends that he wants (my best friend is a female as well) it's obvious that he needs to set some boundaries with her. It's good that your boyfriend has someone that he feels he can talk to that understands him, and you should not be insecure about that, everyone needs a friend or friends that are not the person they're in a relationship with to talk to. However, he needs to tell her that how she is acting is inappropriate to your relationship and causing problems.

Like Glinda said, speak to him plainly and straight forward. One thing about your post that really caught my eye is the two of you saying "well, when you make me feel like a bad boyfriend/girlfriend." This is not true. I'm not big into the psychology of feelings and emotions, but no one can make you feel anything. That's simply an excuse. You don't feel like a bad girlfriend because he makes you, you feel like one because of something you're feeling inside you. You have to take responsibility for that and then it can change. For instance, instead of "when you do this it makes me feel like a bad girlfriend," you can try "When this happens, I feel anxious and worried and because of that I don't feel like I'm being a very good girlfriend." This is taking ownership and responsibility over your own emotions. You'll be surprised how empowered you'll feel if you start looking at it like that and speaking like that.

I would say overall that the main issue is that the communication is unclear and there's 1 too many people in the relationship. Don't begrudge your boyfriend his friendship but try to make it clear that how he acts with this friendship hurts your feelings and threatens you and your sense of the relationship.

I don't mind him having the friend and she is meant to be a friend of mine to. I just want him to talk to me. I have told him this. He says I am making something small into something big but that is not how I see it. As he put it just thinking of how silly your been to be honest. Your making it sound like I'm telling (the friend) everything and you nothing, there's no indication of that at all. Why does he not see that when I tell him that is how I see it. I don't know how else to tell him.

The next step would be that you ask him to understand that in order for you two to resolve this he needs to see it from your perspective and not just his own. You can tell him that you understand that he feels frustrated because he doesn't see a problem and that you don't want to add to that frustration. Tell him that you don't feel understood in the same fashion though, and that it's pushing you away. He doesn't have to agree with your assessment of the situation but dismissing it as nothing fills you with anxiety and makes you feel insecure. That you want to find a middle ground in this situation where you can both feel comfortable and then it will no longer be a situation.

Thanks that's a great help. Think il try write it down and see how it sounds.

OK I've not been with my boyfriend long, I love him a lot. He lives approx an hour away from me and I am the only one that can drive.
Anyway he has panic attacks and lately they have been bad. My problem is that he won't talk to me. He said he would but he doesn't and we have been talking less and less. Since I'm on my holidays, so off work and he doesn't work, we arranged to spend the weeks together. Well everyday so far something has come up and he has said he will come the next day and he is sorry. The day before it was because he wouldn't see much of his family and wanted to spend one more night there and now he said had a panic attack last night and won't be coming today either etc. he hasn't been replying to my texts but I don't know if that is because he said he has only just woken up. Just feels like he is pushing me away and that I'm not that important. When we are together its great but when we are apart I feel so down. I'm getting so angry and down about this. I have not text him bck since the text as I don't want to say something I would later regret. But what should I do? Stick it out and hope it gets better or just end it? Thanks

You should do neither. What you should do is tell him what you just told us. Talk to him about how all of this is making you feel and try to resolve it with him.

I have tried explaining to him about us not talking but he does not understand. How else can I tell him without him thinking I want to end it.

Just a quick update, well he has let me down again today. It was all planned that I would pick him up at 11 well it got to 12 and I got a text saying he was nearly ready and would text me telling me when to set off. Instead I got a text saying he had had another panic attack and his mum didn't want him to go while he was like that. I have asked if he feels up to coming later today and have had no reply. I got one text saying that he felt like a failure and that he can't even be a bad boyfriend. what am i to do? this is really getting me down.

If he can't understand how you feel, than I think you should let him go. Maybe he is the type of guy who thinks the woman should do all the work in the relationship? And that he shouldn't work at it at all. You need to ask him to understand, tell him exactyly what you said here, than if he does not understand, than let him go, you do not need to go threw pain!

I'm going to be perfectly blunt with you (sorry :()

Your boyfriend won't change his behavior because he sees no reason to. You put up with it and so he can keep getting away with it. It's a nasty cycle.

I know you're down and things can be fixed, so don't feel despair. You have to start being very clear with him that this is making you unhappy. Unhappy relationships become non-relationships. I'm not telling you that you should leave him, but you have to stand up for what your needs are in the relationship and he needs to know that this is something you need.

Why not go visit him if he's had a panic attack? Why does he need to go somewhere? Go hang out on his couch and watch a movie or something.

Do you think it could be his panic attacks though. I don't know much about them but if it is I don't want to through this away. He does say he is sorry when he cancels or changes what we have planned. I don't know how to explain to him. He is meant to be staying at mine for the next 5 weeks as they are my holiday. I do believe that he wants to spend the time with me but I can't seem to get him away from the panic attacks to even see me.

Honestly, I don't know much about panic attacks. I am not sure how debilitating they are. The web could probably provide you with lots of information on them.

Those questions are good questions for your boyfriend. Ask him if they really do affect him that much. If they do, ask how can you help him or if there's anything you can do. If his attacks are truly the cause of the issue then part of being in a relationship with him will be having to be flexible about schedules and plans and you'll have to learn to accept that.

Panic Attacks are horrible! Experienced them myself with added anxiety! I haven't had them real real bad but never the less they are not a pleasant experience. It has affected the way I live my life. For instantce I avoid certain situations or driving where possible due to my stupid brain associating anxiety with driving...

Anyway there are ways to help with panic attacks. I.e. Breathing etc. He should consult his GP who should be able to help. Things such as vallium can be prescribed but its best not to fall back to drugs...

Try to keep yourself busy, if you have tried eveyrthing you can and he is not coming through to you.. then maybe its time to start thinking of you!

I don't want to give up on us. Like I said when we are together it is great. Its starting to get me down though. Is their anyway I could help him? Why won't he come to me with his problems or just talk to me in general? He has seen a doctor as he has had them for years however it has been the past month where they have been very bad and often. Any idea what sets them off? Thanks

i dont want to give up on us. like i said when we are together it is great. its starting to get me down though. is their anyway i could help him? why wont he come to me with his problems or just talk to me in general? he has seen a doctor as he has had them for years however it has been the past month where they have been very bad and often. any idea what sets them off? thanks

We can't answer these questions... only your boyfriend can :) You ask why he isn't talking to you... reverse the question... why aren't you talking to him? All of these things are things that you should discuss with him.

I try so many times but he seems to struggle talking and I don't know how to bring them up. An example I have sent two emails trying to explain and I know he has received them both and yet he hasn't mentioned let alone replied to either of them.

OK well if you've read my other posts ull know what's happened. Basically my boyfriend has panic attacks and lately they have been bad. Anyway he has cancelled on me everyday this week. Well tonight we were meant to be going for a meal with a few people I went to college with. I have text him to find out and have had no answer. Anyway he has not replied to any since yesterday morning. Well I went on my bebo and it said he was on 8 hrs ago so about midnight. Obviously I wasn't on at that time and the female friend was last loged on between 12 and 1. this usually means that they will have been talking. Well my problem is he is ignoring me completely. Normally he sends me a text to at least say he won't be over but this time I've heard nothing. The friend said she hasn't spoken to him and that he probably doesn't want to talk to me if he's had another panic attack. Do you think this is right or is their more to it? And what shall I do? Thanks

How old he is please?

I'm 19 and he is almost 22

Have you talked to him about it? Why he is ignoring you?
Do u think he is seeing someone else...

No I don't think he is cheating on me. I have know idea why he is ignoring me. I can't get him to talk to me. I have tried talking face to face, texting, calling, emailing, msn, bebo. Alsorts I have tried but he just won't talk and now he isn't replying or answering. He was wanting to spend the full 6 weeks I have off, together. Well its end of the first and we have spent none together.

I can't imagine this kind of behavior, for any reason, and since you haven't talked or seen him why waste any more time on it. There is something wrong with this.

U have tried all these... I am not sure he thinks it's a little bit too much or what, but I hear you he is the one started to act weird.
He might be having some issues that he has concerned lately, guys have moods and emotions that they have to deal with, they just hide well, actually he might be depressed by some other issues, Leave him alone for a week, only text him no other contacting needed, see how things go that way. Also make sure he knows you are not leaving him or giving him up, just let him have some of his time to deal with whatever is going on with his life, if he tells you what that is, be a good listener, and support him.

Stop beating your head against a wall. He has his own problems that he struggle with, and sticking around will only confuse you and make you feel inadaquate. You can't help him, so help yourself. Get knowledgeable and if there is no communication there is no relationship. Sorry.

The Update
Well last night I went for the meal (on my own) and it was OK. Anyway I got home and around midnight I received a text from my boyfriend. He has been admitted to hospital and having various tests done. Anyway he tried ringing but was out of money. I was up most of the night worrying. The thing is even though he let me know he didn't tell me all that much. I find out about 10 minutes ago that he had text the 'friend' and told her in detail all what was going on and wrong. Anyway his mum text me this morning and let me know he will be home today and she will get him to ring me.
As much as I am worried about him I can't help but feel angry and upset. Why is he telling the 'friend' and not his girlfriend? I don't know if he even wants me to see him. I now have the friend telling me that he may want more time away from me to get better and what he is feeling. I feel really let down that I get 1 text and part of a phone call which worried me and yet she gets a full conversation with him. What am I doing wrong or am I over reacting?
I have mentioned to my boyfriend on a few occasions before this about things she has said. I don't want to say anything now obviously as I don't want him to get worse or angry or upset with me etc. there is a history as I have posted before about the friend getting in the way. She has just now sent me a message saying that I should be glad he is OK and it doesn't matter if he doesn't see me as much, trust me he won't want to see anyone, and not you, and that I can't do out to help him etc. basically lecturing me on how bad a girlfriend I am as I said I was going to try see him. The first thing I said was that I'm glad he is going home and that I wanted him well and said I might see if he wanted me there. What am I doing so wrong and what do I say back to her? So far I said I like to have someone I'm close to with me when I'm bad and stressed out. I want to be close to him and supportive. Am I really that bad a girlfriend?

the latest txt: diff people, diff ways. I know what he's like trust me... take care of yourself too, your no good to him if your unwell and around him lol.

Previous post
OK well if you've read my other posts you will know what's happened. Basically my boyfriend has panic attacks and lately they have been bad. Anyway he has cancelled on me everyday this week. Well tonight we were meant to be going for a meal with a few people I went to college with. I have text him to find out and have had no answer. Anyway he has not replied to any since yesterday morning. Well I went on my bebo and it said he was on 8 hours ago so about midnight. Obviously I wasn't on at that time and the female friend was last logged on between 12 and 1. this usually means that they will have been talking. Well my problem is he is ignoring me completely. Normally he sends me a text to at least say he won't be over but this time I've heard nothing. The friend said she hasn't spoken to him and that he probably doesn't want to talk to me if he's had another panic attack. Do you think this is right or is their more to it? And what shall I do? Thanks

Sorry its so long

After a full year why are you still running head first into a brick wall??

A full year? We have only been together a few months.

This has just been a relationship of a few months? Oh honey get out! This is WAY too much drama. There is obviously something fishy going on between him and this "Friend". I'd run not walk away from this situation. He has made it quite obvious through his actions that you are not that important to him (not to be harsh), he is acting as if you do not matter. And darling YOU DO. You need to realize that this guy is a loser and doesn't see it when he's got something good. Move on and find someone who appreciates what a caring person you are.

Sorry I went back to some of your other posts to get a clearer picture
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search.php?searchid=1615076
And I really think you need to back away from this unhealthy situation, as you don't need the aggravation or drama, and could be better served by getting healthy, by being happy without a relationship, if that's what you call the drama with this guy and his friends.

He called me when he got out of hospital thank god. He hasn't spoken to the 'friend' so far, which is annoying her and is therefore asking me to keep her updated. I don't think he would cheat on me and he did tell her not to say something's. My main problem is her and the things she says to me. If she was not involved I think it could work a lot better. But I can't do that can I. I don't want to end it he means a lot to me and I believe him when he tells me I mean a lot to him. I know he has problems with the panic attacks I just don't want them in the way.

he called me when he got out of hospital thank god. he hasnt spoken to the 'friend' so far, which is annoying her and is therefore asking me to keep her updated. i dont think he would cheat on me and he did tell her not to say something. my main problem is her and the things she says to me. if she was not involved i think it could work alot better. but i can't do that can i. i dont want to end it he means alot to me and i believe him when he tells me i mean alot to him. i know he has problems with the panic attacks i just dont want them in the way.


Again, not to be harsh, I don't think you mean a lot to him. He is acting like someone who does not care about your feelings. He is not treating you with respect. This guy makes you feel bad about yourself, what's so great about him? You are only a few months in and it is easy to get out now. You have no reason to stick around with some guy who shuts you out of his life. If someone shuts you out and treats as if you do not matter a few months in it will only get worse from here.

If every time he mistreats you and you don't say anything he thinks its fine to treat you like you don't matter. If you didn't let him and say I'm sorry I don't deserve to be shut out of your life and mistreated I don't think this is going to work.

You are young and there is no reason for you to attach yourself to some loser when you can do so much better.

xxsamxx110 disagrees: he wouldn't cheat and I know they arent together, she is having a child with someone else and even though she has admitted that she fancies him he has told her he doesn't fancy her. Besides she lives nowhere near us.
To be honest I don't want advice telling me to break up with him. That's far from what I want. I want advice on what do do about the 'friend' and if its me over reacting.

You can spin your story any way you want, but he is not as into you, as you are him. It's a big red flag when his friends harrass you and nothing is done about it from him. Nothing effective, so what does that tell you??

What do you mean 'You may be in denial because of a lack of knowledge'? I'm not spinning my story I'm telling it as it happens and as I see it. The friend is meant to be a mutal friend. My boyfriend has told her to stop saying something's but what can he do if she doesn't stop or he doesn't hear what is said to me?

Hey you are not a bad girlfriend to him and his so-called 'friend' sounds like she is stirring things up nxt time she texts ask her politely to stop txting u. your boyfriend is in the wrong for confiding in her instead of you maybe you should say nxt time anything happens to him for him to tell you what is happening properly else u'll be worrying about him all the time hope it works out for you and I haven't given you the wrong advice goodluck

Stonewilder agrees: If you ask her she would say he is her boyfriend, but I don't think he would say she is his girlfriend.

She doesn't say that he is her boyfriend, she has a boyfriend and is living with and having his child. My boyfriend has never been with her. I don't think she likes the relationship I have with him and so she tells me things and makes me feel bad and tells my boyfriend she hasn't said anything and is happy for us and wants us to be happy. Only I don't get that impression.

xxsamxx110 disagrees: he wouldnt cheat and i know they arent together, she is having a child with someone else and even though she has admitted that she fancies him he has told her he doesnt fancy her. besides she lives nowhere near us.
to be honest i dont want advice telling me to break up with him. thats far from what i want. i want advice on what do do about the 'friend' and if its me over reacting.


Look you are the one on here moaning on and on about how badly your boyfriend treats you. Maybe you need to wake up and see the situation as all of these third party people do. This guy treats you like crap. He disappears, only confides in this friend, shuts you out of his life all of this after dating for a few months? Come on. Do you really believe that you deserve to be treated like this? If you do then stop bothering asking for advice that you are not going to take. BTW just because this girl is with someone else does not mean that she wouldn't leave that person if your boyfriend showed the slightest interest. All of us on here are trying to HELP you. Stop hindering yourself.

Don't worry about being a good girlfriend at this point he is a bad boyfriend and has no concern over you. Leave him and find someone else

I'm still confused as to why you don't just drive over there and see him. Why all this conversation with this other girl is happening between you and she and why you're allowing her to dictate the actions and terms in your relationship him.

Tell her to stfu, get in your car and go over and say hi to your guy. If he flips out about, then why would you want to be with someone who gets angry with you for coming to see him after he was hospitalized?

He doesn't want to see me yet and as he put it doesn't want me to see him in a mess. He has told me he wants to see me soon as he misses me. She is meant to be a mate to us both. She is more then 200 miles away and my boyfriend doesn't show an interest to her in that way and has told her that. What is stfu? We spoke last night for awhile and we seem OK and he has apologised and explained to me what has happened and what he has been thinking. The friend admitted that he really only sent one text about an hour or more after he told me, but only one he asked her why she made out that he had texted her a lot. I don't want to find someone else I want it to work with my boyfriend.

he doesnt want to see me yet and as he put it doesnt want me to see him in a mess. he has told me he wants to see me soon as he misses me. she is meant to be a mate to us both. she is more then 200 miles away and my boyfriend doesnt show an interest to her in that way and has told her that. what is stfu?? we spoke last night for awhile and we seem ok and he has apologised and explained to me what has happened and what he has been thinking. the friend admitted that he really only sent one txt about an hour or more after he told me, but only one he asked her why she made out that he had texted her alot. i dont want to find someone else i want it to work with my boyfriend.

I don't think you need to find someone else, I think you just need to take some action. You don't always have to do what your boyfriend wants. Sometimes you need to meet your needs too.

Personally, if I were you, I would drive over there against his objections. Let him get angry and then point out exactly how stupid is anger is (if he does get angry).

"So let me get this straight, you went to the hospital and I was SO concerned about you and your health that I rushed over here and you're mad at me because of it?"

If that happens at all. Every guy needs a good slap (metaphorically or physically) from time to time, trust me, I know... I'm a guy. I can think of plenty of times where my girlfriend did exactly what I didn't want her to do and it was great!

Stand up for yourself! Stand up for your relationship! Stand up for him!

Stand up for yourself! !
For a woman that the most important thing you need to learn is to STAND UP FOR Yourself!
Not just in relationship... :cool:

If you need further incentive, think about what he's said to you. He doesn't want you to see him like he is. Why? Well, generally people don't want to be seen when they feel ugly. I would imagine he doesn't want you to think he's all nasty and mussy and dirty and an all around mess. Do you care? Personally with every woman I've dated I thought they looked the best when they thought they looked the worst. Does this hold true for you?

If so, get off the freaking computer, get in your car, and go. And tell him when you get there that he's great and awesome and you love him and it doesn't matter that he's a mess and he's just going to have to get over it.

PS. STFU - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stfu) (you asked what it meant :))

Well I'm talking to him at the minute and is going to come to mine tomorrow. Hopefully it will be OK and we will get sorted. Going to try and explain to him so he knows what I want from us as a couple and try to get the friend less involved. I'm not good at standing up for myself in any situation and never have been. Does this sound any good. Don't suppose anyone has any god tips for me to help my boyfriend when he has a panic attack.
Thanks

he doesn't want to see me yet and as he put it doesn't want me to see him in a mess.
That is nothing but bull, and he can't tell you what to do! You really need to check him on this quick. You are his love interest and you can't express it by being there??

Well I'm sure some of you will have read my previous posts. Anyway this is sort of carrying on. Basically I'm having a few problems of my own e.g. very ill grandad in hospital. Going back to work..

Well me and my boyfriend haven't as such been arguing but not getting on as well such as not talking much or seeing much of each other. Well my problem is now that I don't know where I stand with him or how he see us as a couple. The other problem yet again is the 'friend'. My boyfriend knows how I feel. Well she has stopped texting me etc and now only him. Well this gets to me and I want it to stop but I know I can't decide who he can be friends with. It just makes me feel awful. Its not like a one of text its constant texts all day most days. My boyfriend doesn't always reply but does sometimes. e.g. not had credit for a week or 2 and now tops it up and first to text is her and its none stop again.

I don't know how to deal with this without appearing to be the possessive jealous girlfriend. Just feel left out and unsure of what to do. I love my boyfriend and I think he loves me. I do NOT want to end it I just want to get these things sorted. Any advice much appricated. Thanks

Don't do it.

Just because you want to know that your boyfriend is faithful don't mean your possessive or jealous.
You have the right to know what's going on he's not in the relationship by himself you know.
You deserve to know the truth before you assume and just break up with him. If you have to snoop just don't get caught.

Thanks tpreyer. I tried talking to him last night but didn't do very well. He didn't tell me much at all and just said he had nothing to say. He also mentioned that he has topped up and texted the 'friend' and now is texting a lot in which I replied well it was always going to happen. I feel like I'm making all the effort. I go back to work on Monday so I won't see much of him and suggested we had a day out. He agreed and said just the two of us and he would think of somewhere and would sort iit. This also has not been mentioned. I have not seen him this week and when I last left his place it was because 'he ddidnt know what to do or say'.

How do I get him to talk?
Get him to understand about the 'friend' and stop the secrets and texting?
Any tips for making a distance relationship work?

Thanks

well im sure some of you will have read my previous posts. anyway this is sort of carrying on. basically im having a few problems of my own e.g. very ill grandad in hospital. going back to work..

well me and my boyfriend havent as such been arguing but not getting on as well such as not talking much or seeing much of each other. well my problem is now that i dont know where i stand with him or how he see us as a couple. the other problem yet again is the 'friend'. my boyfriend knows how i feel. well she has stopped texting me etc and now only him. well this gets to me and i want it to stop but i know i can't decide who he can be friends with. it just makes me feel awful. its not like a one of text its constant texts all day most days. my boyfriend doesnt always reply but does sometimes. e.g. not had credit for a week or 2 and now tops it up and first to text is her and its none stop again.

i dont know how to deal with this without appearing to be the possessive jealous girlfriend. just feel left out and unsure of what to do. i love my boyfriend and i think he loves me. i do NOT want to end it i just want to get these things sorted. any advice much appricated. thanks
Hey... Its Nothing to worry much you just have patience and wait for the right time its just becoz you plp are not getting on frequently... but yeah don't give him so much gap that he starts thinking that he is alone and you are avoiding him. In fact I'm also going hrough with the same phase..

Should I text and ask him or try work out when we are meeting up next.

Well I still haven't heard from him. He texted the 'friend' yesterday so I no he has credit. I just don't understand why he hasn't text me. I seem to always be the one making the effort. I don't know what to think.

I don't want to sound harsh but you guy's don't spend enough time together and it leaves
Room for him to do other thing's, It seems like the distance has taken toll on your relationship. I think you should listen to your heart on this one since there's no way to be sure what he's doing, It doesn't seem that he's being honest with you and you can't force him to talk about it or be honest about it. I hope you two can work it out.

Hey its clear you are slightly insecure? Am I right/wrong? Leme know. Maybe its time to start worrying about you and your life rather than his.. Its hard but you may feel a weight of your shoulder. Its not your responsibility for what your BF does. Be strong and independent and pour your thoughts into something constructive instead of worrying about texting and other materialistic things. You may see him turn a leaf the more you start caring about you!

I know how horrible it is with relatives in hospital. I worked in the care industry for a short while and my Grandad passed away a few years ago from a terrible about of cancer on my sisters birthday and a final year maths exam! - Not good. I hope you get some quality time with him.

Hi thanks everyone. Yes I'm very insecure and always have been. As my boyfriend puts it I have a shield around me. I worry about a lot of things, so much in fact I wish sometimes I could switch off and forget it all. I have tried to be independent and I haven't been texting etc. I don't know what to do sometimes as he has asked me to contact him everyday as he wants to know I'm thinking about him. Lol he to can be abit insecure but not as much as me. I know we don't get enough time together. I work all week and we live about an hour away. He also has a two year old son from a previous relationship which he has alternate weekends. I don't know what to suggest. Like I mentioned I have suggested a day for just the two of us and he agreed. I work 4 days and depending on what day they decide to give me off I was going to suggest we spend the day together each week. However he is meant to be going to college so I don't know how that would work. Any suggestions on how to find the time. I do spend time with him most weekends and when he has his son. I don't think he would cheat on me I just don't like the way the friend is with him and with me.
My grandad is critical but stable after 7 heart attacks, they won't operate at the minute but we are all managing. Thanks again

Have your day together, if things are back to normal perhaps he was having some problems of his own and didn't want to add to your worries. If things are still stressed try calmly asking him again if there is something going on. If he doesn't give you a satisfactory answer try talking to his 'friend' she might be less likely to hide something(she has less to lose) and depending on what she says try being her friend as well. You can never have too many friends.

How far apart are you two, and how old are you?? LDR's are hard on mature healthy people, let alone, dealing with insecurities in one partner. How do you know how often he, and the friend text each other? Why aren't you texting him more, and then you can gauge much better where his intentions are. If your doing all the work in this relationship, that won't work for long.

I'm 19 and he is 22. We live about an hour apart however I am the only one that drives. He will tell me sometimes if he texts and other times he lets things slip or I will be with him when she texts or she brags about it or sends me a text asking where he is and why he isn't replying. She was a mutual friend. We actually met through her. She has fancied my boyfriend for a while but he never felt that way about her. She also has a boyfriend and only the other day gave birth to their first child. She lives in scotland whereas we live in yorkshire. So theirs plenty of distance. The problem is that since we got together she has basically been putting me down and telling me how we won't last and he loves her etc but tells him the opposite and makes out that she a great mate to me. Well we haven't spoken for a while but she tries getting between me and my boyfriend. Unfortunately he doesn't see it and only sees her as being a great mate to me etc.
Yeah he has said he's had a few days when he's felt depressed again. e.g. tonight he has gone off saying sorry he just feels c*** and depressed. He also suffers with panic attacks. I don't know if I should text him more or let him text me first. How to I tell what his intentions are?

You really need to talk, and get this back stabber from between you. She is more a problem than the distance. You have to let him know, her part in this, and if he is to dense to see the forrest, you should re evaluate his importance in your life.

I think your already doing the best you can and if you trust him there's nothing to worry about. You both are very busy but if you love each other it will last. Hope you grandfather pulls through god bless you.

Regardless of trust her unrelenting hounding will become a stress factor and life has too many of those with out any help. Talk to your BF explain what is going on, if he stands by you great, if he argues that she wouldn't do such a thing, offer proof(if you still have texts on your phone)if he gets mad at you your far better off without him.

Thanks everyone, well I haven't heard from him yet again. I know he has his son but thought he would at least send me a text. I have know idea when I will get to see him as I only have the weekend before I go back to work. He won't tell me if he wants to see me or when even though yesterday he told me he misses me loads. I don't know how to get rid of her, he doesn't see it and she denies it. She sends him something and I show him something but he doesn't see it all. I know we are busy but I'm making the effort why can't he meet me part way? Am I asking too much? Thanks

OK well basically my boyfriend finished with me a month ago saying we were too different and I was too quiet. Anyway we didn't really talk much in the last month. Maybe twice. Friday night he was talking to me online and has told me he thinks he has made a mistake and has been hinting it for a couple of weeks but was to chicken to tell me. He said he is sorry and hopes it isn't too late. Anyway he asked me to see him on Saturday which I did. He was all over me and said he was sorry. However he has made out to his family I agreed to get back with him. They are all happy and saying he was an idiot to finish it in the first place etc. later on when we got his son to sleep we talked, hugged, kissed etc and he asked me if this meant we were a couple. To this I replied I don't know. Anyway it was a nice day with him and he has asked me to see him on Wednesday (my day off) as he wants to take me out. I've agreed to this. We are talking online now. My problem is I don't know if I should go back out with him. I don't want to be hurt again and I'm not sure if he will think it gets boring and he will end it. As much as I love and care about him I want to know where I stand with him and that he is serious about us. He doesn't say he loves me much. But did say to his mum he is madly in love and didn't know what to do, and says I should know. Do you think he means it and will put the 110% into it that he said he would?

Any advice much appreciated. Thanks

I would be worried that he only wants you back now because he was feeling lonely after the month apart. I guess you need to truly find out what his motives are, and decide if you want to possibly go through the breakup again. Ive never been against giving second chances myself, but it matters on what grounds you left each other at.

Yeah that's one of the reasons. We were apart for about a week or 2 when he started saying that he had made mistakes but didn't tell me what he meant and avoided me. He had said to his mum 'im madly in love with her and I don't know what to do' and she basically said do something about it or u'll regret it and he told me. We split basically because he said we were too different, I'm too quiet, and he didn't see me enough. Well the plan he has come up with is he will come tue night and stay till thur morning and then have weekends together. Which sounds good to me but I just don't know if he is going to get bored and decide to end it.

I think you should give him another chance. But keep it slow don't jump back into a full relationship and keep him wondering if you plan to. Just go out as good friends and build something solid on that. In the meantime talk with him about your differences and how the two of you can make it work.
He probably just didn't know how to take you because it is difficult to know where someone who is quiet is coming from. For example, they can be thinking is she really interested in me? Is she that bored with me? Maybe she isn't interested in me? Why won't she open up to me? Is she just a boring person? And now that you have been apart he feels the emptiness of your not being their by his side.

Well he was really sweet the other day but now I'm not sure. One minute he tells me how much he misses me and when I asked to text me he did but I don't feel he is making an effort. How do I tell him that if he wants us to work then he has to make an effort? So confused :(

Is this the same b/f who has you going through a lot of drama and is a long distance from you or is this a different person? What has changed beside your mind, that will make things better??

Yes it is the same guy. Wel the 'friend' is out of the picture now. He is also having driving lessons so he can c me more and having counselling. Thts what I want 2 know if he really has realsed that he wants to be with me and is madly in love with me like he said.

Only time can tell if he is ready to do as he says, and it would be wise to go slow, and keep your emotions and expectations, realistic.

Yeah I will take it slow. Don't really know what else to do or whether I should say we are a couple or not.

yeh i will take it slow. dont really know what else to do or whether i should say we are a couple or not.Definitely not, that's what going slow, and paying attention is about. Check him and his actions out, before you invest your heart and emotions. Examine what he says, and what he does.

OK. Well if you've read my other posts you will see the history. Basically its been one thing after another. He split with me in September and within two weeks was hinting that he wanted to get back with me. I didn't read it like that and thought he was happy to be rid of me. Anyway the week after he told me that he missed me and wanted me back, that he would put 110% into it etc anyway I fell for it and went to see him. It was awkward but OK and seemed to be getting on better. Only thing is I didn't actually say we were back together. Well I asked him after a week if we were actually together. He replied that he thought so. I said OK thinking we were working things out. Then he suggested we 'just see how things go'. This didn't please me and after I asked why all he said was that he couldn't commit to be at that time and didn't want to hurt me again. I just left it at that. We saw each other the next week as we went bowling. Then randomly talking online and he just said it isn't working and its over and went offline. Well that was the Sunday and he was meant to be staying at mine the following week. Obviously didn't happen. He stayed at his brothers and was out drinking most of the time. I had to find this out from the same 'friend' that was and still is interferring. This week he decided to speak to me. We have not mentioned the split or anything. One minute he is OK hun, kisses, hugs etc and next he's cutting me off and putting titles such as ' I believe dreams come true, one just has, kelly, kelly, kelly' and has put a display picture of him with his arm around another lass. Its only been about 10 days. Whys he acting like before one minute then putting things like that? Or is he out to hurt me? Any ideas why he is doing this and what should I do. No contact isn't good for me but I do make sure he is the one to make contact. Do you think he has seriously moved on and if so why would he put it in my face like that? Any suggests much appriciated.

OK. Well its been awhile since I last posted anything. My ex broke up with me about 9-10 month ago. I was hurt and fed up. I've had a lot going wrong and I've struggled to keep going. Anyway as the months have gone on I've got on with it and been OK. Just the occasional upset and that. I didn't contact him etc. he started talking to me or leaving messages not saying much.
Yesterday he was talking to me online. As we started talking he said things like:
Me and girlfriend on verge of splitting up I wished to god I never got with her honestly
He says: I hate her so much
XxSAMxx says: that's not nice
He says: she's so spoilt
Batman says: well she's not nice

He asked how my love life is. Which I don't have.
He then went on to say:
U know what if you would of been a bit more cheerie we would of lasted forever
XxSAMxx says: so you say
He says: we should have stayed together and let me change you lol
XxSAMxx says: lol I needed things to change for me. Bit happier now. Things are settling down.
He says: yea was a mad time for u
XxSAMxx says: yeah not great time
He says: I was foolish and thinking back rather selfish
XxSAMxx says: I no lol
He says: I wanted more fun and stuff while you was worrying about work, getting a house, your mum, your dad
He says: thinking about it
He says: I'm a complete d*** head

After talking a bit longer he told me he missed me loads and about his little lad. He said it would be nice if could see him some time and maybe see me just as friends. As I know what you think of me in other ways lol anyway he went on to asking about coming over to see me. In the end he decided to and set off. He got to mine and we were talking as mates, catching up, he told me how he's stopped smoking like I wanted him to and he doesn't have panic attacks and he's going to college and got a job. Telling me about him passing his test and getting a car, the one he came in. etc.

As we were sat on my bed watching as film he started getting closer, touching my hand, then holding my fingers and holding my hand and eventually asked for a hug. We were hugging for a while but he never let go. In fact the opposite. Anyway he started kissing my cheek which I didn't return. He tried to get me to kiss him back but as I wasn't looking at him it didn't work. He actually ended up asking if he could have a kiss. Which I said no to.

I'm really torn now. I no he has a girlfriend and its wrong. I will always have feeling for him but I don't know what to think know. After he left he apologized for cuddling etc and I've heard nothing since. I'm so confused.

Am I in the wrong and do you think I'm just someone for him to fall back on if it doesn't work with his girlfriend?
Sorry its so long.

Alright.. BACK UP!

Why are YOU TALKING TO HIM?! JUST WHY???

You cut ties for 9-10months and that fool pops up, 8itching like a poor person about the other girlfriend. Then, he tries to get down with you? WHAT THE FU*K??

Leave that fool out of your life. He's a useless trash.

Spoiled? So what?

He wants the penny and the bun... leave him alone he will just use you, hence the trying it on, don't fall for it.

The fact that he is running his current girl friend down behind her back and then going home to her bed should tell you something... he's a creep... you can do with out especially since you say your getting it together a bit, he'll just drag you right down again, don't let it happen, you'll find someone new to love without the baggage, who will treat you with respect and love you for you, don't settle for second best...

Your actually falling for that crap??

He's horny and was trying to find some warmth... AVOID!

LOL hjpan u speak the utter truth!

AVOID HIM!

Xoxox