And that's what he said after 11 months of serious dating. Why? He said he felt pressureed and in a box because he knows that I would like to get married and that my parents want me to get married. He said our relationship needs to move to the next level or is in that place where it's moving to the next level. He said, "after two years of dating, it would be ideal to talk about marriage and yes, of course, you would be someone to marry. You're a great women. I'm just scared of the whole marriage thing."
You see he was in a bad -- per him-- marriage for almost 10 years. He got involved with an older women when he was 17 y/o. They have a school age child. She has two older kids. He parent all the kids. Although, they been separated for over 3 years, he continues to parent all the children.
And so, he said he was confused and needed time to think, and that it was not fair to ask me for time, so, instead that we should break-up meaning we could see other people. I was devastated. I just cried and I couldn't think about what to say. I was in shock because we seemed to get along very well. I was so emotionally connected to him; I still am. I thought he felt the same way. He never expressed any discomfort or concerns about our relationship. I was the one who talked about the difficulty of dating a man with children because I don't have any of my own. I accepted this part of his life and respected his time with the kids. So, I didn't say much except, "can I have my stuff back, I'm deleting your number from my phone and I'll see you in another life time." I was very disappointed and upset. He said I'll call you. I said, you don't have to lie to me, I'm an adult. He said, "I don't see how I wouldn't call you. I'll call you." And that was almost three weeks ago. He never called. Of course, I never called him and have no plans to do so. I feel like everything was pretty clear. I'm just hurt and very sad. Why do people act this way from one moment to the next. This whole issue began by him telling me one morning after a fun evening of drinks with friends that he just wanted me to know that he was not going to give me any surprises in our first year of our relationship. I was very confused by his comment. We were in bed. I asked if he was trying to break-up with me, he siad no. I told him that I wanted him to know I didn't want to date anyone longer than a year whose not thinking of marriage as a possibility for us. We left that conversation. And later, I got very upset. I called and spoke to him about it. He didn't say much. We talked later and cleared things and then he was distant. Shortly, he said he needed time to think.
What's going on in his mind? Why all this all of a sudden? It's very hard to process. What are people's thoughts? Is it super clear -- he's just not into you. I just can not get to believing that yet, but that's what it feels like.

He has probably wrestled with this issue for the whole time and I must say the big blow up instead of dialogue, is not a good sign that problems will be handled in a mature way. Stop and think he has a lot of people besides himself to think about, since he does have kids, and this has to be heavy on his mind, but you both behaved badly, and now it seems the war of wills is on. Let the emotional dust settle and see where you are under cooler conditions.

What's going on in his mind?
I really think he is not as ready as you are to get married, its only been 11 months, and more time is needed and a lot of talk and listen.

I told him that I wanted him to know I didn't want to date anyone longer than a year whose not thinking of marriage as a possibility for us. We left that conversation.
That is a helluva lot of pressure to put on some one and you have to admit he tried, but is this a reasonable expectation? I can't say.

I'm with Tal, I think this has been building for some time and you did no favors by constantly talking about marriage. Talking about marriage to a man who has experienced a failed marriage after only 11 months of dating is only going to push him away. To be honest, he doesn't sound like that bad of a guy in one sense, because it sounds like he at least tried for awhile. But if your going to start putting time restraints on a relationship and he doesn't want that, then it's not meant to be.

Yeah a lot of pressure after just 11 months, do you even know each other?

What happened in his previous relationship? Why did it end?

but you both behaved badly, and now it seems the war of wills is on. Let the emotional dust settle and see where you are under cooler conditions.

What do you mean we behaved badly? I want to learn more. I feel like I was honest. I wanted to talk and listen and learn more from him, but he just did not say anything. I just left him alone. I felt very rejected, so I left, I was an emotional mess. He said he would call me and he has not done so.


That is a helluva lot of pressure to put on some one and you have to admit he tried, but is this a reasonable expectation? I can't say. Is it really a lot of pressure to put on someone? I feel like I want to get married in life and if someone is not thinking even of that possibility then I feel like it's better to know soon than later. So, if it's pressure. How long do you give your relationship? And so, maybe I shouldn't have time limits, but I'm getting older and I don't want to wake -up even older and not have met someone that I can form a family with. See, I'm 31 y/o. I can give my relationship time to mature and see if marriage is going to be a go for us, but I don't want to date anyone whose not thinking of that as a possibility. Is that bad? I didn't think about marriage early in my relationship because I was getting to know him more and more. I feel like we really connected. We got along great and that's what does not make sense.

what happened in his previous relationship? why did it end?
Young marraige; he was like 20. His take-- women asks to have another child before she's older. He doesn't really want to until he's 25, but somehow he gives in and then they have a child. He feels responsible. Things don't work well between them. He takes care of her, her two kids and his. He does not feel like she's the greatest mother or wife. She's steps out of the marriage twice. He forgives her the first time and the second time, although, he's not sure of the detials, he learns of some big non, no for a wife. He leaves the marriage. He said it was hard. He's a great financial provider. He ahd a nice big home. They had to sell it. He gave her almost all the winnings. He said he figured she's keeping the kids. He said he never missed her; he was happy, but lost because he never wanted to give his daughter a separation. His story. And I really believe it. He's pretty honest. In fact, I met his ex-wife and she was with the male that he suspected she stepped out of the marriage. All of her family loves him. She asked to get back together a couple of times. He didn't bite. And so. Yes, he's jaded, maybe. But, I'm not her. He knows who I am. We spent so much time together in the last 11 months. We did a lot of things on our own, but we had a great bond. I felt very compatible emotionally with him. We were both careful about our relationship; meaning respectful and worked on maintaining it fresh and dun. You see, Although, I was never married, I had a college sweetheart for 8 years of my life who traded me in. That was very painful. This happened about 5 y/o ago. It took me a long time to be okay. Now, it's done and part of the past. But I'm afraid of getting hurt that badly again. I'm also scared of being with someone without letting him know what I want. About marriage, I really was not asking to get married within the next 3, 6, 9 months. I feel like we had more steps to take in our relationship before making that kind of decision. I just felt very scared when he said he wasn't going to give me that this year. I thought he meant never, like I'm not worthy of that. He didn't explain more either. And maybe, it was my job to be accepting, but then, that's not fair. I just want to know where on the same track. Is that wrong?

First read my previous question.
Okay, and I must also confess this. The night before he told me this. I got quite drunk. He drank a bit, but my friends swear he was not drunk. Now, I was. I don't usually drink, thus I'm a light weight. He likes when I drink. He thinks it's fun. In our entire relationship, I got drunk a handful of times. We always had fun, thus I felt comfortable drinking with him. Especially in the latter part of our relationship, I felt safe to drink when I was around him, meaning he would take care of me. So, I got drunk. We went to bed and of course, had sex. But, get this, we actually had a type of sex that we had never had before -- no not vaginal or oral -- yes, anal. I've never had done that. In fact, we had spoken about it and I said that I was not too interested, but that I would be willing to try in the future if say my husband wanted to. He said he wanted to do that because I had never done it and that all that counted was that he knew I would be willing to try. So, I think that night I was okay with it because I don't recall otherwise. But really I was super drunk. I don't even remember everything. After the sexual act, I remember crying on his chest. He held me. I don't remember us talking. Later we had sex again. We seem to be okay. In the am he was weird. Not fully, but a bit. That's when he said he wasn't going to give me any surprises in our first year of our relationship. While I inquired about what happened last night, including asking about if we had had anal sex. I told him I was super drunk. I said it was cool that we could be free sexually with each other -- like we were one. I was looking at it positively. But, when he said what he said and we had done what we did the night before and he knew how I felt about it, I was super confused and scared. And so. I mentioned this to him later and he didn't comment. Then, we cleared the marriage confusion. Then, he's distant and asks for a break. He said he needed time to think, that's he scared of the marriage thing again. I was even more offended. I don't think he thought about this marriage thing over night, so, if he knew this why did he go there that night? I mean I know I didn't say no, but I was drunk and he's suppose to care for me. See, when I see it this way, it makes me sick to my stomach. Maybe he just wanted that from me. But, that's not the person I know of him to be. Is he even thinking about this? Am I just the one feeling awful. It just seems so awful. Why would anyone do this?

I kind of have to agree with Chuff and Tal on this one. Pushing someone to get married after 11 months, when they obviously aren't ready, is a sure way to kill a relationship and any possible future prospect with that person. Getting married just for the sake of getting married is just about the worst possible reason to get married.

Getting married just for the sake of getting married is just about the worst possible reason to get married.
So, my comments come off as I'm pushing someone to get married, by far that was not my intention. But, you are right, someone can take it that way. I had not mentioned getting married. Except when he brought up the not giving me any surprises. I was unsure what that meant. I got scared. I definitely did not feel like getting married soon. I just wanted him to know that I didn't want to be in a relationship with anyone whose not thinking of getting married. That's not saying I want us to get married. I totall agree getting married for the sake of getting married is wrong. I want connection, love and friendship. It simply scared me when he brought that up. I mean, although, I was not thinking it. I definitely dated him trying to figure out if he's the one. Little at a time we learned more and more about each other and we got along great.
Did you read both my postings? I feel like I want to learn from all this.

Forget telling a man about marriage the first year as that scares us. Just go slow and let it flow naturally. The first year is for all fun and getting to know about each other, and things get better at around year two, and then we know enough about some one to THINK of marriage and discuss it. I clearly think your man was clearly not ready for anything but having fun and enjoying the relationship and did he get scared? Heck yeah. I would be to after 11 months. Get married because its mutual, and you just feel right, and your both ready. That your b/f was unable to discuss it, is a sure sign it was the furthest thing from his mind, but a relationship that moved slowly and steady was what he had in mind. I hope I've helped and good luck.

I'm confused. If you are so hard and fast set on getting married and this guy doesn't want to get married then why aren't you thanking your lucky stars and moving on?

Women need to get over this concept of looking for the one. Its stupid and pointless and I personally believe drives "the one" away. Your boyfriend may not be ready for marriage now but maybe in three years he would be and by you driving the issue you put the nails in the coffin.

AND if marriage is so important to you then YOU need to be asking those questions right when you start dating. That should be one of your first or second date questions. I feel like you wasted this guy's time and your own time because you want to be married so badly. I think its goofy. Relax and have fun DATING not worrying about getting a proposal fast.

Wait dude... just wait. I know it's kind of harsh but HOW do you expect someone you've been with for like not even a year!? And who got out of a serious marriage...he's probably still edgy about that because it was such a huge part of his life. Either accept that he needs time, or move on... plain & simple.

I'm confused. If you are so hard and fast set on getting married and this guy doesn't want to get married then why aren't you thanking your lucky stars and moving on?.
Well, I'm not sure that I want to get married just yet, but it's definetely something I want. And I made that clear in the beginning. He was cool because he too would like to get married again. And yes, about moving on, by all means. I'm trying to understand what happened for a next time and if he calls to know how to respond. You know, so, I can handle this type of situation better in the future. Maybe you should read me first posting and my follow-up.


" Relax and have fun DATING not worrying about getting a proposal fast: -- true, totally agree, but the thing is he said he wasn't going to surprise me soon and I got scared. I think that's normal. I felt as if he would never like to marry me. SO, I asked if he's thinking of getting married. To me, to anyone? I thought it was yes, before, but then it seemed scary. Then, he responded yes and that he would marry me too. It was timing. And I agree. But then he was distant and asked for a break and since he has not called. He said he would, but he hasn't and so. So, everything, is so confusing to me. And I thought, these posting would help.

Wait dude... just wait. I know it's kind of harsh but HOW do you expect someone you've been with for like not even a year!? And who got out of a serious marriage...he's probably still edgy about that because it was such a huge part of his life. Either accept that he needs time, or move on... plain & simple.
You are right. I understand this very well. But you see, well, read my original postings. After we figured things out, he became distant and said he needed a break. He said he would call and he hasn't. So, it's all very confusing for me and painful because I care fro him dearly. I have it clear that if it's not meant to be then it's not. I still wish him the best. I was looking for help on this site. Meaning what could the other person be thinking, what happened. How to avoid this. Maybe, I'm wrong. Maybe it's all wrong because we should have been able to talk about this issue.

Well, I'm not sure that I want to get married just yet, but it's definetely something I want. And I made that clear in the beginning. He was cool b/c he too would like to get married again. And yes, about moving on, by all means. I'm trying to understand what happend for a next time and if he calls to know how to respond. You know, so, I can handle this type of situation better in the future. Maybe you should read me first posting and my follow-up.

To be honest, marriage scares the hell out of most guys. Like really, really, really scares them. The way guys tend to work (guys correct me if I'm wrong) is that if you ask if he ever plans on marrying anyone not just you but anyone what he hears is "You BEST be putting a ring on this finger soon or I'm out of here" even if that's not what you mean. You know how we read a lot into what guys do and sometimes misread it? Guys do the same thing. They make all sorts of crazy connections that we never meant.



It was timing. And I agree. But then he was distant and asked for a break and since he has not called. he said he would, but he hasn't and so. So, everything, is so confusing to me. And I thought, these posting would help.

He is probably not calling because he needs to think about things. I'd recommend to let him be and let him think. I know its hard but try to just let him sort this all out.

GlindaofOz , To be honest, marriage scares the hell out of most guys. Like really, really, really scares them. The way guys tend to work (guys correct me if I'm wrong) is that if you ask if he ever plans on marrying anyone not just you but anyone what he hears is "You BEST be putting a ring on this finger soon or I'm out of here" even if that's not what you mean. You know how we read a lot into what guys do and sometimes misread it? Guys do the same thing. They make all sorts of crazy connections that we never meant. You are probably right, but you know what? I think I'm a pretty understanding human being and we could have talked about this. We did originally and then, he asked for a break and that's sad. I thought we cleared it out. I mean we care for each other.




He is probably not calling because he needs to think about things. I'd recommend to let him be and let him think. I know its hard but try to just let him sort this all out.

Yeah, of course, that's what I've done. I have not called him. I understand this. At the same time, I've been focusing on being okay. If it's not meant to be, then it's not and I deserve him the best. I am not going to call or bother him at all.

But, you mind reading my previous posting on what happened the night before he said he was not going to give me any surprises. They should be on page one. I'd like feedback on that too. You see it's hard to be objective when your feelings are involved.
Thanks.

But, you mind reading my previous posting on what happend the night before he said he was not going to give me any surprises. They should be on page one. I'd like feedback on that too. You see it's hard to be objective when your feelings are involved.
Thanks.

I read what happened the night before. The way he acted the next day is pretty perplexing. Maybe he saw it as you telling him that you wanted to marry him? I don't know, this "logic" is escaping me. If he is the sort of person who would do that with you then walk away because of "what it meant" it just seems so, silly. Plus you were really drunk so its not like you were thinking oh once we have anal sex then we'll get married... I don't know its just really weird. It doesn't sit right with me, I def see why you are so confused.

Honestly, you're suffering soooo much as we cann ALL see. Call him and ask him what's happening, and if he says he's unsure then you will deffinetly need some you time so you can see what's going on with you and if you need him so much that you're willing to put yourself through all of this.

Sweety is right, you seem like you are looking for answers and I'm not sure you'll ever find them. Sometimes people do things that don't make any sense. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this, its always hard when you think things are one way and the guy feels something different.

As you can see, a couple having anal sex is not that big a thing on this site... the bigger issue is communication. Not letting him feel like there was breathing room from your parents is tough. It can kill the libido and the vibe. Give him a moment to breathe. And I think it is FAIR to not just be in a relationship if it is going nowhere, but it's best to judge by how you all feel together. Then, talk about the future and see how it goes... See if he can at least talk a year ahead. If not, and you want to... then you may need time off... Marriage is a big step and I think it is right to take one's time...
And please, if you get drunk and try something new don't feel bad... You are two consenting/loving partners (right?).

Also, (and yes, I've read all the posts in this thread) you need, seriously seriously need, to stop assuming that things are the way you think they are. You talk about your compassion, understanding and empathy, but none of that was on display when things were happening. He said I'm leaving and you said fine, screw you. Now, people get upset, but remember, this isn't just about you, this is about him as well.

I'm not putting either of you down, but I will speak from a male perspective, and not only a male perspective, but a male who has been in a failed marriage.

You may not have talked marriage (though from your original post, you made it sound very much like marriage was an issue that was well talked about) but in your own words, quoting him, he knew you wanted to get married. Not only you, but your parents as well.

That's hard on a guy. It's 10 times as hard on a guy who's been in a bad marriage. You ask if marriage is truly a lot of pressure? Yes. Yes it is. Especially for one who's been through one already, because they have a much better idea of what to expect. And I'm sorry ladies, I know this is a common misconception, but it is not often about the commitment, it's more or less about fear of being able to do it. Being able to keep that woman happy, being able to keep oneself happy.

If you go into the relationship with a timetable in your head, it's going to fail. You might get lucky, but doubtful. Because a timetable is an agenda, and with agendas come expectations and with expectations comes conditional love.

Do you love him? If so, then accept him for who he is. A man who has been through a bad marriage who very much likes being with you who is freaked out because of the pressure of marriage and/or wondering whether he's being what you need him to be. Even now you're creating pressure and he's not even around. I feel the pressure in the things that you read and I'm not even involved.

Relax. Examine your motives. Do you love this man or do you just want to be married? Now I'm not saying you can't be both but one is selfish, the other is selfless. Which are you being?

Lastly, the only time I've ever acted like that after sex is when I thought I had done something so terribly wrong. You said you cried on his chest afterwards. That would freak me out. I'd feel horribly guilty that I had done something so wrong and so bad that it made you cry after sex. Remember, as stupid as it is, men feel weak when they don't feel like they're good in the sack. It erodes our self-confidence almost instantly. Of course he's not going to want to talk about it, it just brings back that painful memory of how he messed up (even if he didn't!) Now, your reaction isn't your fault, there was nothing wrong with it, I just don't want you reading some goofy assumption that the man plied you for 11 months simply to get a certain type of sex with you and be on his way. Let go of that, it's poisoning your mind.

Slow down. Lose the agenda of having an idea of whether the person is interested in marriage in only a year. Whether you speak it or not, the vibe will come off and we will pick up on it and it will freak us out. It's not genuine. Just be you, let the guy be himself and just go where it takes you.

Seems like you would have brought this up in the beginning instead of waiting 11 months to let him know about your ideas of dating and marriage. It might have saved you both a lot of trouble.

Seems like you would have brought this up in the beginning instead of waiting 11 months to let him know about your ideas of dating and marriage. It might have saved you both a lot of trouble.
stonewilder is right.... did you guys even discuss his feelings on marriage after his divorce and what he wanted out of this seeing how he went through that badness?

One thing for sure whatever the reason, you have a glitch in the relationship, and the way you work it out, or not, is telling of the future of you both. Let him simmer and then call him, an see if you can work together to resolve your issues, where you both benefit. I think this is a test to see if you can work together. Life is sneaky like that, always throwing stuff to deal with at you.

You took this relationship way to seriously, way to fast. He didn't. He didn't see you, as though you saw him. He had different life goals then what you want. He should have told you that, I will give you that. He should have been honest with you, no matter how much or how little time you did earn the right to be told the truth.

But at the same time would you have truly heard what he was saying? I get the impression that you came at him so fast, so quick that he felt smoothered with no room to breath. In the end you can site anything else as an excuse but the pressure you put on him as far as marriage is what sealed the deal. Despite what you hear, read, or think about us we can be very flexible in our approach to women if we care about them. But if you start putting unwanted pressure on us, especially when that pressure is still lingering from the last person we are going to bail.

You wanted to know if he was thinking long term and you found out. Prior to that you didn't want to date anyone long term unless he was thinking marriage. I'm a little confused as to which one you wanted since you got both questions answered but in the future you probably shouldn't even bring the word marriage up until at least a year into the relationship if not longer. If you start talking about it sooner it puts pressure on him and it makes you look like someone who is desperate to get married. No guy wants to get married to a woman just because he happened to come along at the right (or wrong) time in her life and she needed to get that ring to meet some age quota that she dreamt up at 7 years old.

[QUOTE=Canada_Sweety]Honestly, you're suffering soooo much as we cann ALL see." True.
"Call him and ask him what's happening." No because he said he would call. I don't want to invade his space too much. Maybe down the line. I just want to learn from it all and understand things more for myself as well as for when we do speak again if we ever do.
Thanks.

And please, if you get drunk and try something new don't feel bad...You are two consenting/loving partners (right?).
You are totally right. I do agree. This is how I want to look at it also. I just got scared because of everything that happened. But, you are right. We tried new things in bed because we were lovers. I also only get that drunk with him. I felt safe. Like we'll be okay. I thought this was awesome and a measure of how close I felt to him. And that's how I'll choose to see it. Thanks.

You're posting was so helpful. Thanks a million. I agree with it all. And I accept my stuff; the screw you and possible pressure. It comes from my insecurities shadowed by my past relationships of feeling let down or allowing myself to be in a relationship that after 8 years my partner basically said everything you thought we had and we're going to have was in your mind or maybe that's what I felt he had said. I take the responsibility for this. But I had spoken about this with him. I know he understands this because I told him how awful that was. I got scared and was defensive. I attempted to react with my heart, but I couldn't at the risk of feeling more pain. I take this responsibility. And maybe this time has allowed me to see this.
Your view on the anal sex thing really helped too. You're right. But I do have to say we could have talked about all this don't you agree? Or maybe we definitely needed this time to clear our minds. I have to say that I felt like I tried talking about things. But maybe we just couldn't get anywhere then.
Once again thanks.

stonewilder is right.... did you guys even discuss his feelings on marriage after his divorce and what he wanted out of this seeing how he went through that badness?
Yeah, we did . He said he wanted to get married again. He made that very clear. I had my doubts about it, so I asked just -- it was when we were getting to know each other.

Then wait! Just wait... why doesn't anyone know that waiting won't kill you in a situation like this?