I'm in the military first of all so everything I do is scrutinized and monitered by the military. My wife left me and took my two kids. She won't talk to me about what she thinks or what she feels. Every time we talk I get anger and frustration. We have had a very hard marriage. We have been married for 4 years and have two very beautiful children. She went back to her family which I think has been the reason for her emotional immaturity. In the 4 years we've been married we have spent about 22months apart (not consecutive) and about 21 months together (not cosecutive). We have had almost no time to be together for a long time. So, she left July 2, 2007. She says she still loves me more than a friend but not as a husband. She tells me that I have no idea what its like to be here to have to go through the pain of living with you (Me). I was in the Navy and been on a deployment and I'm in the army and I've been to Iraq and I'm about to go back. What do I do to cope... will she ever come back or will she rather stay home with her family and let her and her family raise my kids. I don't make much money and can't afford a divorce and can't afford to get out of the military. Anyone have some advice?

If you are willing to take some advice, this is what I would say to you. If every time you talk and you get angry and frustrated then it is time to look in the mirror and ask if she is right or not. Who wants to be in a relationship with someone they cannot talk to? Seek therapy if you need to, show her you are taking steps to be a better man. Do what you say you are going to do. Step up and figure something out together as adults not angry upset people. If I were her, I wouldn't listen to an angry man, and yes I would be happier with my family that shows me respect and kindness. It is up to you to show her and your CHILDREN that you can be that man that they need. Hugs and good luck to you! Startover22

EDIT:::::::::::
I forgot to say Thank you for your service. I do appreciate your duty!

Didn't you post a message on here earlier on another thread about having 'relations' with many married women? I hope that I am wrong to suggest that this happened whilst you were married to this woman? And would I be wrong again to suggest that this be part of the reason her leaving?

Didn't you post a message on here earlier on another thread about having 'relations' with many married women? I hope that I am wrong to suggest that this happened whilst you were married to this woman? And would I be wrong again to suggest that this be part of the reason her leaving?

I didn't see that post.

I believe he said when he was single when he had the affairs.

Oh OK... sorry. That would have explained it easily! Not so now though...

I think that she should have considered the fact that you are going to be away from home... alot, don't think anything is your fault though, just hate to see the fact that some people don't take theis wedding vows seriously

I was getting physical and verbal. I started therapy for both. The physical stuff stopped but the verbal was still going. I was getting therapy and we were supposed to start marriage counseling 3 day before she left. I'm so stressed out. I have hit rock bottom, picked myself up and then hit it again. I feel like I make 2 steps forward and then take 3 back. About my original statement... I was saying that we both get angry and frustrated at the other. Not just me. Sometimes it just gets so hard to cope with this stuff that I drink till I pass out. I'm still going to therapy though. I feel like I'm making progress and that I can and will change and I am changing all the time, but I don't think she will ever want me back. I know that if she does we will be happy again. I miss my kids and I miss the woman I married.

Thanks startover22. This military stuff is hard but I do it and I do it well. The military has been very hard on me and even harder on my marriage. On a personal note: I wanted to make her stay with love and compassion but somewhere along the way I made her stay through fear and guilt.

Maybe it's time that you open your eyes and look at your life. If your main concern is money and your job then why are you over thinking this? If your first and fore-most concern is not saving your actual marriage, then maybe your wife has good enough reason to leave you. Anger and frustration happen all the time, but you have to control it. Next time you contact her, simply push the feelings of resentment aside and try to work on the damage. If that fails, go to a couples therapy session or a councilor and they will be able to help best. Good luck.

The military life is hard on a marriage, and add to that your personnel issues, then she was in hell and going home is her support and comfort. You have a long road ahead, and therapy is a very good start. You may as well settle in for the long haul soldier and find some patients. This will take a while and I hope you at least can be good to your kids. I wish you luck and thank you for your service.

My main concern isn't the money or my job. For one, I hate my job and two, money to me doesn't make me happy. My main concern is trying to get better and save a shattered marriage. What I was trying to say is that I don't want to get divorced but if she decides that she wants to then I will have to pay for a lawyer or I'll be standing alone in the courtroom. I love her and I still trust her to a point. I get mixed emotions from her and I'm trying to give her space right now. My marriage is worth saving. Thanks for all the input people. I'm going to do my best to save it.

Thanks talaniman. I still have hope believe that she does too. I really wanted a good marriage and... I want my family back. I'm just going to have to dig in and like you said, hang there for the long hual. I wonder if she would be OK with going to marriage counseling...

If your open to marriage counseling, is it possible she is open to it. It is always a possibility. You going to counseling or even suggesting marriage counseling shows that your wanting and willing to work through things. Maybe if you show that with actions and words and actually start working through different issues could be a life saver.

Another thing I would like to add is that you being in the military and hardly spending anytime together is one of the major issues. When your not together and spending quality time with a spouse, honestly the marriage or relationship is eventually going to be broken. More communication, more quality time together I believe is important part of a relationship.

Honestly I have no idea how military families do it. I would die, if I had to spend time away from my family.

I truly do hope everything works out for you and hope you get the individual help you need for your abusive ways.

Anger and frustration always pushes people away, learn how to deal with it in better ways and you could eventually see a better future.

Best wishes for you and your family.

Joe

If your open to marriage counseling, is it possible she is open to it. It is always a possibility. You going to counseling or even suggesting marriage counseling shows that your wanting and willing to work through things. Maybe if you show that with actions and words and actually start working through different issues could be a life saver.

Another thing I would like to add is that you being in the military and hardly spending anytime together is one of the major issues. When your not together and spending quality time with a spouse, honestly the marriage or relationship is eventually going to be broken. More communication, more quality time together I believe is important part of a relationship.

Honestly I have no idea how military families do it. I would die, if I had to spend time away from my family.

I truly do hope everything works out for you and hope you get the individual help you need for your abusive ways.

Anger and frustration always pushes people away, learn how to deal with it in better ways and you could eventually see a better future.

Best wishes for you and your family.

Joe


I hope this comes out right. She's not here. She is 3 thousand miles away and won't speak to me. 2 days before she left we were supposed to start marriage counseling. I was under orders to go and honestly I wanted to go... I was actually looking forward to it so that we could be happy parents. I see 3 therapists. I go to meetings, I go to classes. I'm thinking about a parenting class. I want to make changes. I still am. This is my last reply. Thanks everyone. Lean not on your own understanding but in all your ways awknowledge him and he shall guide your paths unto righteousness.

Oh how I wish she would be able to get on here. I also wish you were to stick around. It is very obvious you want to do better and be better. Damned if you do and damned if you don't..

I will grant your wish. Here's the latest... the phone rings and I pick and I say hello, its my daughter, and then my son. I talk to them for a bit and they don't really sound too happy. It was more like a ransom call than a call from a loved one. I thought she was going to get on the phone and make demands or somehing, "If you ever want to see them again you will put $50grand in a black bag..."
It was actually kind of creepy. So, she gets on and with the most smug and callous attitude she says hey, and I ask how she's doing and she says good. Did she ask about me, the person she pretended to love for 4 years? Nope.
So, she tells me she's been thinking. Oh, and to top it off, she's eating and smacking in my ear. So, I'm listening and she tells me she has to go to church in a little while. So, I say OK and she has to go, and get this, after church, she's going to a concert in a bar. Hmmm... very lady like. What a great mother. I'm starting to think, do I want someone like that in my life? Do I want someone to hold this over my head for the rest of my life, do I want my kids to feel like hostages getting no kind of structure, no kind of discipline? I'm have to do something but what?

I typed that fairly fast. I asked her if she saw me trying to get better and if she saw that I was trying hard. She said yes. But does that matter? Probably not. How much can I take? Not much more and after tonight... this is so sad.

Ok Dark, Take a breath. Relax a minute to let your thoughts run clearly, you asked a very important question... "do I want someone like that in my life", well I see that you have no choice to have her in your life. She is the mother of your childre. If you decide to not be her husband anymore, would you still try and get the help you need to be a great father to your kids and a good husband to another woman?
Either way you need to be on your way to a better you before you can make any dicisions so let's start with that and then work on the babies and wife. If she is so far away, send her some money to feed the kids. (this is an honorable thing to do even if it means you get beans and rice instead of that lovely steak)
She is obviously going to test her freedom and you have the EXTRA hard job of being a looker. That is all you get to do is watch her. I know this has to be hard, but that is just a fact. You need to be the bigger person here to make sure everything goes smooth. Sending money, only saying respectable things to her, asking when she wants to come home to work things out? You just need to make sureyou keep up with the therapy, it will help in the long run. Remember though, some people that feel better about themselves tend to sit on a high horse, so watch out, you might come across as someone she can't work with. It is intimidating, if you know what I mean. You are working in the right direction, please don't give up, but don't be a brute. Good luck, and tell us how you are doing...

Ok. I'm doing good. I just went to another group. It was elightening. Turns out that my wife exhibited all the traits of a passive aggressive (PA) type personality. People that are PA will be passive until they have had enough then explode and do very cruel things to the ones they say they love or friends and family. I found out that the most cruel thing you can do to someone is ignore them and that was my wife's main weapon when she was around. Here's something else... my wife tells me she's been talking to her "best friend" who happens to be a guy. Hmmm... and the red flag goes up. She says he just a friend. I've actually had women use that line for me when I was single. So you know. I am being as friendly and understanding with her as possible. I feel my pride being smashed flat. I don't know what to do... is this the kind of woman I want in my life or will she change. She had many many emotion problems before she met me, is that someone that can raise kids well or will she raise them to be as emotion shallow as she is? I hope she gets help soon. Not just for her or our marriage but for our kids. I'm reminded of a bible verse when I talk to her... throw not, pearls before swine. Pearls= love and wisdom. There is some good news. I asked her if she hopes to be back "in love" with me one day and she said that would be nice. I'm reaching the end of my rope with this woman.

This is your wife, not your girlfriend, She has your babies, and that ties you together for a long time. Until your own therapy, counseling sessions are over, do nothing, but what you have to, to be a good father. Your wife has to deal with her own issues, and you will have to be patient as you put your life in order. You two will compromise sooner or later.

I know it has to be hard, normally you guys are going to go through the "hate" part. Let her be and just send the money for food, do what you can to help out from 3 thousand miles away. Write letters to all the kids and tell them you miss them. Write a few nice things you can think about them in each letter, they will like that. Stick with it my sweet, it will get better. Whether you guys get back together or not, you still need to stay on track with yourself. You really need to focus on what is going on with you and not her right now. Just make sure you never stop calling and writing or sending money to help. That will be very KEY down the road. Good luck. And I am proud of you for making the right steps keep it up!

True. Here's a little insight to the life of people in the military. Today I went to breakfast and seen an old friend. He has no idea what's going on in my life and vice versa. So, he asks me, "How's life treating ya." I said its treating me like a punk... and we laughed. Then I said not really, I'm okay but I've seen better days. He said, "Yeah, me too." Then we start talking abit, and I tell him my wife left, and guess what... his wants a separation. This is about the 6th marriage that has failed in our battalion. There are more on the rocks. I think ever since we came back from our deployment peoples marriages have been failing. We all came home as strangers to strangers. It was very hard and I should have changed back to dad and husband along time ago. I know that she had a hard time alone over here and I wish I could have been there for her and now all she knows is how to live alone. That guy I mentioned earlier told me that his wife said, "I feel like I dont know who I am anymore and I need to find myself." My wife said the same thing. WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN? She has created a defense for herself and she is upset and its sad to know that as I get better she's back in a place where all her problems began. There is a constant in my life and it's that when you help others, helping is its own reward. It's so very hard telling her that I love her and she just says I know. We talked and we found that the problem was that when I got home my family was used to me not being around. So, there were conflicts. She told me today that I don't love you at all anymore... she said I would like you to do the same. I wish that I could do that, but I cant. I would love to stop loving her, but I cant.

Ok so what is next? I know my brother went through the same thing, no kids though! I am sorry Dark but you have got to get a plan, maybe a written list of goals and things you think might help you through this. I have mine set up from easiest to hardest and I pick one when I have one completed. Except for quitting smoking, that was on the top of my list, 1 fall back but that is bound to happen! A list is what you may need. Depending on how strong you are feeling you can pick a hard or easy one. And just keep going and you can always add more to the list, it probably should never end because we can't be perfect! What does the therapist say to do?

You never will stop loving the mother of your kids, but you will have to accept she is not with you, and you must still work together for the sake of your children together. It must also be a priority for you to have your own life that makes you happy. It will be difficult, but it can be done.

I know I have to work on my life. I am, daily. I work out more. I now weigh 164lbs when 4 months ago I was close to 192lbs. I got my six pack back. Yay me. My job performance is still the same. Outstanding! I'm looking at some college courses, maybe some course on psychology. Therapy is going well. I'm fine, its not me that I'm worried about too much, its my kids. Where my wife is living there are no other kids around and my wife wants to start having fun and living the life she never could before we met. She lets which ever family wants to take my kids and she says OK. She said yesterday my daughter fell off the swing and busted her face pretty bad. My wife was telling me that she was worried that people would call social services on her. She had this whole elaborate story made up and was explaining to me how she would explain it. She sounded very very guilty and I started to wonder if she did hit my daughter. I don't know though.
Last night, she said she wants a divorce and that she despises me. Not too long ago she said that if I was in front of her right then she would blow my brains out. Scared me a bit. I said OK to the divorce though, when I can afford it I'll start it. Oh, and she tells me that she wants to start dating again. It looks to me like her priority isn't our children but only her. My kids are being neglected it seems. She says that she hasn't talked to anyone about what happened and she is bottling it up. I'm worried about her, but more importantly, about my kids. I care about her and I still love the mother of my kids, yes but what about the emotional stability of my children. They need structure and discipline, love and guidance. I don't think she can provide that right now.
Oh, and startover22, I do have a list of goals. I didn't do it from easiest to hardest though, I went with short term to long term. This would be a lot easier if we didn't have kids but we do. Man, I feel so dumb. I thought that we (my wife and I) had mutual feelings but we don't. I wanted to settle down and just raise a family and the whole time she wanted to go out and have fun.

You need to find out all of it and write it down. Day to day so you have something to show the court when it comes down to it! I am pretty sure that is what is going to happen. At least it is how it sounds. I have to say, when we had our first child I was in bad shape and drugs, alcohol, guys, everything was involved. My husband is where you are right now... He hounded me to come back and leave it all behind for about a month and a half and all it really took was for him to finally at his wits end say "I HATE YOU" I don't want you back. Forget about everything, I am starting over. You know what I did? I went back to my apartment, got my crap together and surprised the crap out of him and rushed into his arms and never did anything like that again. He pretty much saved my life, so with that being said, yes your kids are going to suffer... I am hoping something hits her square in the eyes to let her know she is making bad choices. It will, whether it comes out of your mouth or someone else's.
It is going to have to be about you being the "better" person. Make sure your kids are safe. What ever you have to do get that done first! Sorry for the ramble. Hugs to you and good luck!

I forgot to mention that you are on the right track. I still see you not worrying about what you have done though. You keep coming back on here talking about what wrong things she did and keeps doing! I think we need to get to the source of the problem and it would go way back not at the point when she left you. You already know that I am sure of it. We can be patient for only so long. If you come on here and want to change your innies and not your outies then we can keep it up! I know working out and such is great for you but what are you doing about your attitude and abuse issues? I am pretty sure back in the other post it was mentioned, so I just have to bring it up.

Startover22. Thanks for that. That means a lot to me. I see that there are people out there that care. I'm this () close to saying the same thing to my wife. I'm sick of the b.s. I'm sick of the lies, I'm sick of all the games.
Ok, as for me getting better, I can't really go into that without shedding light about my past that is very depressing, sad and I would rather keep it a little bit more private. Just a little. But to let you know, I have been able to understand what some triggers are for me and what my past has to do with my present situation. Its very excruiating to pull the correlations out because of denial and mental suppression. But... its coming. If you met me you would say that my attitude is friendly, witty and down to earth. I'm giving her her space. I'm not calling her for a few weeks. If she still wants to be bitter and upset and keep taking it out on me... I will be gone and I will do everything in my power to get my kids back no matter how long it takes.

You know it doesn't mean as much for some reason unless you are face to face. I am just saying if my husband would have said that over the phone I would have just rolled my eyes while I was living it up with all my "stupid" friends. Oh, at just to let you know, he was on the verge of tears when he said it in his deep sad voice. I would have said it back to him if he was yelling at me. I just know I would. Sounds weird but that was the best day of my life besides the three children that came after our marriage... Good luck sweety, remember sometimes living in the future is better, especially when we learned from our past. Yes, the one thing you can do is still be a father, no one can take that from you unless you show them reason to!! Good job, you are coming along!

Told you. =)
My wife has no idea what she will be losing.
Its really heartbreaking talking to my kids. They just don't sound happy anymore. I have never seen them happier than when I would walk through the door after work. I remember walking home from work (my work place is close) and my duaghter recognized me and she ran to me from quite a distance and she jumped into my arms and gave me a huge hug and said, "DADDY! I missed you!" God only knows how much I miss them both and my wife has no clue as to the fatherly bonds that were made with my children. My son could barely walk and I was home from Iraq less than a month and he was jumping off the couch crawling to me. My children deserve to be happy. To be honest, if wasn't for everyone's advice here, I would still be stuck looking at the wrong things. Thanks everyone. Especially you Startover22. Thank you very much.

Dark, glad to be here to help you along. You put some light in my night! I know you are going to come out of this a new you! Your kids and wife will be grateful down the line. No matter if she is in the picture or not, you will need to be the stable one and it looks like you are on your way!
I could only imagine what feelings and emotion ran through you when you saw them. I can only imagine. I am not talking about the movie screen emotions, I am talking about how nervous you must have been, sad to have gone through what you did and it had to be hard. Happy from finally being home. I really am happy to see you on your way to a better future! Hugs to you... Start

Hey man the same thing happened to me. I am a police officer and she flipped out I think. She took my kids too and told me she wanted a divorce. I love her and I have gone out with two woman but I cannot stop thinking about what went wrong. Nothing I do is right ever and she is on antidepressants. He parents have also played there part in our fall a part and she has moved in with her mother. She told me she was leaving me the day after my mother's funeral. I don't understand what I did but she said I needed to be on behavior altering drugs. I tried it and my doctor said that I am not the one with the problem. I don't know what to tell you man but just keep going some how. I do but I work all the time and she doesn't have a job. I pay for private school for my girls and she gets mad at me for being myself. Everyone says move on but I cannot but help thinking of my kids. I have taken on two other jobs just to help us out but she constantly wants more money. Our friends hate her and I am at a lose of what to do. Recently my grandmother died and she tried to make everything all about her. I work get the kids a day or two here and there. It all feels rushed and that we never do anything memorable and lasting. My job keeps me in my current location. I have a master's degree but make for money and I try so very hard and I just feel put down all the time. When we were together she had a woman clean our house and said she was so afraid of me. I don't understand but I am tired of being a door mate. Hang in there man hang in there...