My name is Joe. I am 25 years old. Her name is Carolina, and she is 26. We have been together for 2 years. Throughout our relationship her and I were seriously talking about marriage. This is something she wants before she is 30. Her family wants this for her very much as well.

About 1 month ago, she tells me that she wants space because she is confused. She feels I am too controlling. I am because I would call her way too much and show up at places when I could not reach her. This made her feel like she was not trusted.

About 2 weeks ago we spoke on the phone and she told me she loves me, misses me, and has been crying. She also asked if I was talking to other girls. She said that she wants to work on the relationship, but wants me to work on my trust issues first. As far as my trust issues, I have been talking with a therapist since this break happened 1 month ago. She also says that she wants to be friends to reestablish the trust between us.

This passed Monday, I started receiving text messages from her asking how I was and what's been going on. SHe also began telling me what she has been up to. We agreed to meet the following day for coffee. Once we met, it was a little awkward at first, but the night went well. I kept a very positive and confident image. I did not bring up anything over how much I love her, or miss her, or when we can get back to the relationship. She began to tell me about all the fun things she has been doing to keep busy. SHe also told me about a bunch of new people she has been meeting. She also said she is starting to incorporate religion into her life because there are positive changes she wants to make in her life as well. She began telling me that her father keeps asking about me. I know he likes me, and she is close to him. She also asked me how my therapy was going and if I feel I had made any progress. I replied that "I am doing my thing, and you are doing your thing, and once the time is right we can take it to the next step".

I initiated ending the night early and walked her to her car. When we began to part ways I told her maybe we can do this next week. She did not disagree and was smiling.

Throughout this time, I have not called or initiated any contact. I have been lettinh her be the one to make the first move in regards to contacting. Now, how do I get her back? Should I be worried that she will not want this relationship anymore? I have been working on bettering myself in this process. I also go to the gym regularly.

Sounds like you guys are on the right track but still a little early to get back together.Shes obvisily still interested in making it work but maybe she's just trying to protect herself from getting hurt.It also seems that your doing well and that you guys will most probably get back together once you have finished with the conseling.if you plan too see her like you did again keep up the act of not letting anythign heavy come up in the convosation.

I think your on the right path and should be patient as you work on your issues, and she works on hers.

My problem is that I always focus on the negative. I am afraid that she might be stringing me along, or she might have a change of heart throughout this process even though I am doing everything I need to be doing. What is the best way I can continue to approach this and cope with it?

Keep up with what your doing.if she loves you she will be back.theres not a lot you can do I'm afraid.chances are she will be back so just keep up hope.have you consided meeting new people,not just girls but guys just for general fun?distractions might help you out.if anything though just focus on your goal and keep at it.It will all be fine in the end.

I thought about meeting new people. I amnot too crazy on the idea of meeting girls though. I am not the type of guy that likes to date to keep my mind off my relationship vacation. However, I would love to make new guy friends that would be fun to hang around to help me along with this process. Most of my friends now do not even talk to girls. So their relationship advice sucks, lol!!

I thought about meeting new people. I amnot too crazy on the idea of meeting girls though. I am not the type of guy that likes to date to keep my mind off of my relationship vacation. However, I would love to make new guy friends that would be fun to hang around to help me along with this process. Most of my friends now do not even talk to girls. So their relationship advice sucks, lol!!!
You don't have to date just have fun with your life. It helps with keeping yourself balanced and healthy. There are other things to do besides bother your friends about your relationship, that's what we are here for.:D

LOL... I appreciate the help guys. Its just that I actually saw my future developing with this girl. I have had relationships and break ups before... but this girl and relationship is really different. This has knocked me into left field. I just hope everyhting works out between her and I. As for me, I have identified my problems, and I am now taking the steps to address them. I just hope in the end of my process she is there and wants to work on us.

Last night my brother went onto her myspace page. There he tells me that there are still pictures of me on her myspace page. This morning he chose to look again for reasons I do not know, and then he tells me that she took many of my picstures down. Is this her having a change of heart? Is she trying to send me a message? Or is she just doing this as part of the game so I see it? I made a promise to myself not to look at that for my own well being. Please help!!

If your brother had not told you then you wouldn't know what she has done on myspace. She wanted a break so let her have it. Work on yourself. Yes she thinks your checking her site and wants you to worry. Get healthy with your life, and let her call. Any decision she makes must come from her, and not you pressuring her. Tell your brother he doesn't need to snoop for you. This time is about you stepping back putting your life in balance and seeing things clearly. Stay busy and make sure you have a life that you enjoy without her and have a balanced life to make you happy so you can share that happiness and not smother someone and depend on them to make you happy. You have issues that you must work to change that drove her away so now you work to correct them. In a day or two TEXT a Hello how have you been? to her, and then stay on the path.

I am in the same spot as you are man... so I guess I can say I feel your pain! Check out my string of posts... but it seems like you are on the right path with this girl and I hope that soon I will be on the same path as you are with my girl. Keep your head up I know it's hard I am struggling as well but there is always something to learn from every situation and there is always a positive that comes along. We may not see the positive now but it we will see it sometime! Keep strong... best of luck!

Are these breaks good for the relationship? I have been trying to stay focused the last few days. I am definitely giving her the space she needs. I am not been calling her or text messaging her. Any contact we have had has been made by her these last few weeks. Is this turning into a break up??

I sure hope these breaks are good for the relationship... one thing I have learned from mine is that you have to trust in the relationship that you had before this. My relationship was great minus the last 6 months but she tells me she still loves me and wants to love me in the way she used to so I am holding on to that and making her miss me by not contacting her just like you. I think its good that she is contacting you when my girl contacted me yesterday it made me feel good I felt like hey it must me she is thinking about me... and that is what we want! The more they think about us and miss not having us around the better chance we might have to get our loves back. Keep in mind I am just telling you how I feel there is much better advice out there but this is just from a guy going through the same stage you are.

I am so upset over this whole thing. I do not know how to face this. The thought of losing her is really getting to me. This not knowing of what is going to be is intolerable for me. One plus is that I am not calling her.

Can someone please help me in dealing with this. I feel as if I am losing control of the situation and myself. Please help!!

Get busy Joe, every time she pops up in your head is a signal to focus on something else. Its all about learning to be happy by yourself, and enjoying your life. We have all made the mistake of being dependent on a relationship to make us happy and now its time to learn to make ourselveshappy and break the cycle of dependence and be happy, healthy, well adjusted males. Easier said than done but its doable.

That's good advice. As far as the relationship goes... should I give hup hope and view it as the end, or still think of it as a big possibility it will work out?

She also asked me how my therapy was going and if I feel I had made any progress.

Nothing concrete, just a hunch. Time will tell.

What is your hunch on that comment?

Well... it has been 10 days since I last saw her. There has been no new developments so far. In fact, I have not even heard from her. I am not sure if she is deciding to move on, or if she is just taking her space. I have increased my time at the gym as well as spending time with my friends. As for this situation, all I have to go on is what she has told me in the last few weeks. The only thing I am afraid of is with all these new religious people she is meeting, she is moving on. Why would someone take all this time on a break, and just end the relationship in the end of all this?

You're doing the right thing so far. Keep it up and keep working on your trust issues. You don't want to be calling or contacting her constantly and she's not going to do it either ; that's what led to your initial breakup. Keep living your life and working on your trust issues. Check in with her occasionally and keep it brief when you do, with no mention of a relationship. She seems to care for you but is uncertain because of your trust issues. Working on that is a good thing. But she also has to realize that it's a two-way street. She broke with you and if she eventually wants to get back with you then she's got to keep her foot in the door too, so to speak. Otherwise you have every right to go on with your life and to meet and date others. Actually, it wouldn't be a bad idea for you to do just that.

At this point it is hard for me to see myself without her. Just that when we saw each other for the first time in a month last week, it was weird at first. I just do not know what more to do. I feel that if I contact her at all without her making the initial contact, I am showing that she has all the power and I am needy, or I cannot live without her. I have been in therapy over a month now, when is it time to address the relationship issues? SHe told me she is going away with family to miami and honduras. I figured this break would just run to the end of the summer, but I am having my doubts. I love her very much... but I do not know how she really feels. She tells me she wants to work on the relationship, but that was a month ago. No talk of the relationship hase come up since. Is there anything else I can do?

I am at the point where I feel as if she doesn't care anymore since I have not heard from her. From when her and I last spoke it sounded like she was taking all the steps to move on with her life. She said she was making new friends, and doing new things. It hurts that I am not included in this at all. I do not know if she is just trying to keep me on the back burner, or if she sincerely cares for me and wants to work on us.

You both must get a life that does not revolve around each other to balance your lives. It is dangerous and unhealthy to build a life around someone else. If you let your fears and insecurities rule your decision making, your asking for long term trouble. As it is your mind is assuming the worse, so that tells me you have issues that must be addressed and resolved. Focus on identifying and overcoming these fears and insecurities, and let her do the same for now. Before you can work on a relationship you must first work on yourself.

If she really cared about you she wouldn't have done this to you in the firat place!! That's prety simple you cantse that cause you are blinded by the heartache an thefear of losing her.. At this point in time she does not see you as the one who she wants tospend her life with ican tell you that right now... If you were she would be withyou.

A lot of people complicate there relationships but it you think with a clear ind if she really wantedto be with youwould she need to have a break. No she would not need a break.\

Although this is not saying that a break will make her realise you sre the one and this will be done by her missingyou an wanting you in her life... While you are in the relationship it is very importantto kepher missing you nstay a challenge this keepsher believing you are the one and she will be lost without you in her lfe crating a fear of losing youwhich triggers her emotions to say she could not be without you which she defines as she loves you.

People have funny ideas about love and say stuff lke I just know I love him. This is not true love is created it is not just in your hed , it is made and created from making someone feel likethey need you and mis youwhen you are not around and as time goes on in therelationship they cannot imaginebeing without you and also wheneve theyneed approval or something theyonly require it from you...

Don't get fooled here your relationship is pretty simple and no matter what garbage she feeds you at this stage there is only one thing to do and that is ABOSLUTELY Nothing!!

Do not try andwin her back do not beg her back do not need to do anything ,you must buikd thetension and recreate the feelings and these will come with her missing you from her life and believing she wants you in her life. When an if she does call don't be an idiot and answer, don't answer this will create more tenision she will want to talk to you enven more...

You know what... I think your right. If she really cared about and loved me, then she would not have done this. It is not fair that I have to sit and wait for her to decide when she wants to get back. I have had it with this whole situation. My therapist even suggested that she may not really care for me if she was doing this. If she really wanted to work on the relationship, her and I would still be together working on this stuff together. It hurts that it took me 2 years of my life to relaize that she does not really care for me. I think it is time that I pick up the pieces and move on with my life. I know there are other people out there that will love me and treat me with a lot more respect than what I have been shown this last month. At this point in my life I am very angry and upset with her and this whole situation. What's weird is that 1 week before all of this we had our 2 year anniversary and she was so excited and wished for many more. Just after 1 week she decided that she wanted space. Its time I move on with my life.

Patience. Don't get insecure and/or show her you are... that's the reason things went bad in the first place. It's only been a couple of days, and from what it sounds she is still interested in the possibility of fixing things. That is a good sign. Don't mess it up. Wait a few more days. Show her you are strong and give her time to come back to you on her own. In a week or two if you still haven't heard from her, like Tal said, send her a "how are you doing?" text, something like that, see how she reacts to it and take it from there.

I'm going through something similar, but with less hope. So I know how you feel. But hang in there.

It is almost 2 weeks since I heard anything from her. I do not know what she wants anymore. I feel if I come out an contact her, it looks like a breakdown on my part. I feel that any contact between us has to come from her. I do not want to force her into having contact with me.

After 2 years, 2 weeks isn't that long. You're right that if you contact her "it looks like a breakdown on my part. I feel that any contact between us has to come from her." Unfortunetly that's the only way to go for now. You think she's never going to call or contact you again? Of course she is. It's just a matter of time. Wait one more week and see what happens, then reconsider your options and see what you want and feel like doing.

I felt that she had a few things planned this summer like a vacation, with her family and other things that I would have had a problem with in the past. I thought that she wanted this summer to be free to do those things without the pressure of a boyfriend. Once the summer is over, I thought I might see her trying to bring the relationship back up and work on it then.

Yeah, I used to be like that too with my ex. And now she has all these plans this summer too and is enjoying things independently because we're apart she doesn't feel the pressure/guilt/stress anymore that I probably used to make her feel before.

She probably felt smothered before. This time apart could be a good thing but you have to keep in mind that there are no guarantees, either way, the way I see it, you really don't have a choice here. So yeah, take it one step at a time. I've been no contact for two weeks too now (after a 4 year relationship which looks like it has no hope), so I know how you feel. One week at a time. If nothing changes and you feel the urge to contact her next week, ask some people on this site and get some opinions/advice/encouragement - that's worked for me so far. You've been strong and made it to two weeks. That's a good sign. Hang in their and keep taking care of yourself.

I understand that there are no guarantees... but I just do not know what to expect anymore. I do feel that the best thing I can do is just move on with my life. Whatever will happen I will leave to fate I guess. I just did not think things would come to this extreme.

Ok... I agree that you should not have any expectations. That sets you up for failure. But I don't agree about moving on. If you love her then fight for her. But you have to fight for yourself first. Get to a place where you are happy again... with just being you.


Many people just don't get that statement. When you are happy you are confident... attractive... strong. Isn't that what she was attracted to in the first place?

This is very true... but I feel as if I am not going to have that chance to show her again. I definitely am taking the steps to be happy with myself again. I am back in the gym, spending time with all my friends, and going away in August. However, I feel if I do anything, I will push her further away. When does the relationship get worked on?

Sdjosh, but how do you fight for her while giving her her space? It's contraditory isn't it? I think that's the answer everyone is looking for.

This is very true...but I feel as if I am not going to have that chance to show her again. I definitly am taking the steps to be happy with myself again. I am back in the gym, spending time with all my friends, and going away in August. However, I feel if I do anything, I will push her further away. When does the relationship get worked on?

Its not something either of you can work out. It just kind of works its self out. All you can do at this point is what you are doing. You are on the right track. Being happy again.

Give it time. My strategy was when she called... bring up nothing about the relationship... problems... hurt... pain. Talk about the now. What I'm doing. Be fun... cheerful. You don't want to relive those bad experiences. You want to get past them. Grow from them.

That's what I am asking as well.

Will I ever hear from this girl again?

Haha... I guess that was contradictory. But I didn't give up. I new that I had to fix myself. Be on my own because in the 7 years we had lived together I had gotten into a rut. I had lost who I was and molded my life around her. She had done the same. Even though I didn't understand her leaving at the time, I look back and see it as the best thing for the both of us. We both needed a chance to figure out being just us again.

And if you don't, is there ever an appropriate time when you should contact them again?

She brought up to me that we needs to just be friends to reestablish the trust between us. How do you go from a 2 year relationship talking about marriage... to being friends with hopes of working back into the relationship? She told me a few weeks back that she thought we had rushed into this. How can you say that after 2 years have already passed?? Why is she running these lines on me?

Will i ever hear from this girl again?


Who knows... my case is the same but different in many ways from most people on here. Her and I talked nearly everyday for the first 5 months after we broke up. Because we were good friends.

Its hard to do. Most people wouldn't want to go through that. Its easier to move on than to subject yourself to that kind of hurt all the time. But in my case, I know she is worth it. I was willing to make the effort.

She brought up to me that we needs to just be friends to reestablish the trust between us. How do you go from a 2 year relationship talking about marriage...to being friends with hopes of working back into the relationship? She told me a few weeks back that she thought we had rushed into this. How can you say that after 2 years have already passed??? Why is she running these lines on me?

I went from a 7 year relationship and many discussions about marriage. But like I said... being friends is hard. But you have to focus on the here and now. Talk about happy things. Goals... music... movies... what you did this weekend. Stuff that you would talk about with a good friend. But don't sit there and ask about the relationship... what, why, where, how... and when. Its pressure... guilt... hurt... pain that you are bringing up. How is that going to fix anything.

Talk about those things with us here on the board or with your buddies. But NOT with her. If you want to rebuild a trust and friendship then start by being her friend. You know how to do that... you do it everyday with your buddies.

ANother thing that pisses me off... my birthday was June 29th. Her and I had plans to see each other for my birthday. On my birthday she tells me that she didn't think it was a good idea for us to see each other on my birthday. Instead she went out with her friends. That hurt me and pissed me off.

ANother thing that pisses me off....my birthday was June 29th. Her and I had plans to see eachother for my birthday. On my birthday she tells me that she didnt think it was a good idea for us to see eachother on my birthday. Instead she went out with her friends. That hurt me and pissed me off.

Im not trying to side with her here but... but don't be mad. Its just as confusing to her as it it is to you. She won't admit that to you but she is unhappy just like you. She is trying to find her way. I know if I were in her shoes it would be so hard to see someone I loved and had a long relationship with.

Like I said... the best thing is to not have any expectations.

Is she really hurting as much as me? She seems to be happy from all the things she told me last time we saw each other. I judt don't think she is missing me at all, and I think she is falling out of love with me. People tell me differently, but I just don't see it that way.

Is she really hurting as much as me? She seems to be happy from all the things she told me last time we saw eachother. I judt dont think she is missing me at all, and I think she is falling out of love with me. People tell me differently, but I just dont see it that way.

The advice I gave you... about being her friend? She is applying it. She said she wants work on being friends... So why would she sit there and pour her heart out to you? She is keeping it fun... light conversation... happy. She is trying to be your friend. Do the same.

And you should continue to work on yourself. Work on your issues. Fix what the problems were. You can't even begin to thing of getting back in a relationship with her before you fix what broke.

I would continue to meet her as a friend... but I cannot do that if she isn't contacting me. Maybe 2 weeks isn't a lot of time, but it seems forever to me considering I am in it.

This breka has gone on for about a month and a half. I have also been in therapy for the same amount of time. I feel I am ready to begin working on the relationship, but I feel I cannot bring it up. I feel this has gone on long enough.

Tihs breka has gone on for about a month and a half. I have also been in therapy for the same amount of time. I feel I am ready to begin working on the relationship,

You may be ready but she my not be. Work on being friends first... No pressure... no expectations... just friends

How can I do that if she doesn't contact me?

How can I do that if she doesn't contact me?

Stop thinking in terms of getting her back, Stop thinking about working on the relationship. Think in terms of building a life that YOU enjoy without her. Balance your life and LEARN how to make JOE happy. That's exactly what she is doing. Rightfully so. How else can you be prepared for what life will throw at you next? If you move on in a positive direction you will be met with positive results. Hang in and get busy.

I would continue to meet her as a friend... but I cannot do that if she isn't contacting me. Maybe 2 weeks isn't a lot of time, but it seems forever to me considering I am in it.
The pot boils more quick if your busy doing what your supposed to do.

Tal is telling you the same think I am... Work on you first...

Just curious about your therapy sessions, and how they are going?


She wants to work on the relationship, but wants me to work on my trust issues first.

She is giving you the space you need to help yourself, and not to be nosey(hehehe) but what where those issues??

I would call her a whole bunch of times when I couldn't reach her when she was out with her friends. A couple of times I would show up at places she would be at when she wouldn't answer her phone. The therapy is going well. I mean the fact that I am not calling her at all or questioning her about the last month and a half we have not been together is a huge step for me. I do miss her, but I am learning how life is without her.

Hope you never act like a nutcase again, glad you got help. It will get better just keep on your path. Be patient with yourself.

I can admit and take full responsibility for my actions. I learned a valuable lesson from all this.

I really am taking the steps to improve myself in all the ways I can. The only problem is that I can't get my situation out of my head. It has become much easier to deal with after a month of all this. However, it is still in my head every day.

I wish I could tell you that it will be better soon, but that's up to how driven you are to get healthy. Volunteering is a great way to spend time, and nothing boost self esteem and confidence faster than giving of yourself and time, to some one who doesn't have what you can give. Get busy, stay busy.

I wish this was easier, but for me it isn't. I just feel on some level she is not going to be there to work on the relationship. I know I can't focus on that, but it is a fear I have. I am learning how to cope with everything else, but I just do not want to throw away two years.

I took Talaniman's advice and sent a text message asking how she has been. I figure it is two weeks, so it really couldn't hurt. Tell me if you guys agree.

Its hard to work on yourself while at the same time trying to work out relationship issues. It's a tight rope to walk. Stick to working on you. Make it a habit. Continue with therapy and try to keep the contact to a minimum. If you do contact her... don't bring up problems from the relationship. Be all about the positive things.

Well I never planned on bringing up anything about the relationship. She said she wanted to work on reestablishing the trust. How else can we do that if there is no contact between us. I felt I had to break the ice somehow.

Ok... thats good. Reestablishing the trust is a long process... just take it slow and don't have expectations. The best way to establish trust is to be a good friend... listen... keep the friendship fun... lighthearted... laugh as much as possible. In short... be good friends.

This is the hard part, leave her alone and she if she acknowledges the text. If not you have nothing holding you back, and no escuses not to worry about just you, and your healing. (there's no excuse anyway)

She may make me sweat this out and hold back from responding for a little bit

2 hours now, and I still have heard nothing

Joe I feel your pain man I am in the same boat as you but it seems she has given you a little more hope then mine has. You just have to be patient don't stress on it go out for a run, bike, hit the gym, call your buds and get out on the golf course just do something to keep your mind off it.

I am getting is such great shape right now and I feel so good about myself. When I start to fall back and want to talk/text her I read this I am a religious person and I am not forcing this on you but it helps me!

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
I Corinthians 13:4-8

Thank you flyguy... that does help. The only problem is I don't know If she even loves me anymore. I am filled with so much doubt.

Joe,

The past 2 years of my life have been consumed with a situation similar to this. I'm not going to get into specifics, but I will say one thing. Patience is key. I know the fears you speak, the thoughts that she doesn't love you anymore and how they worm their way inside your heart and mind and drive you crazy. You are not alone.

One thing that I always had to remember, and still try to when it's necessary is to remember that the other person is just as scared as you are. That they also probably freak out about contact and how to handle it. Remember that she is human too, and she's got to work her way through this as well. Have faith that things can be repaired, but that it's a slow process, a very slow process. You're taking steps and that is the right thing to do.

I would like to think she is just as scared as me, but I don't feel it. Her actions are speaking louder than words, and I just don't think she cares anymore.

Haplo is right on Joe - she is just as scared as we are but it was her choice to do this so she has to remain strong and not show you that she is scared because she really wants to repair herself. Just keep busy keep your head up there is no way to predict what will happen so why stress about it focus make yourself better fix your problems that is all we can do right now.

My brother tells me that text messaging her shows a breakdown on my part, and that I just ruined everything. Is this true?

My brother tells me that text messaging her shows a breakdown on my part, and that I just ruined everything. Is this true?

No, it's not true. One of the biggest difficulties in situations like these is that there are going to be lots and lots of people telling you you're doing something wrong or that you've made a mistake. You're not, and you haven't.

Part of love is exposing yourself and accepting that you may get hurt for your actions. You've initiated some contact and reminded her that you're still there. There's nothing wrong with that.

Now the ball is in her court and give her time and space to decide what she wants to do with it.

2 hours now, and I still have heard nothing
Instead of taking positive action your sitting waiting on a maybe.TSK<TSK, I told you there are no more excuses, and here you sit completely out of focus letting your thoughts F""k you up. Now is the time to get up and get busy, not sit on big dusty staring at life, GET A LIFE!! Clean your closet, polish your shoes, anything but sitting with a dumb look, on your impatient A$$. Get with the program!!

I guess the best thing for me to do now is just move on and live my life. Time will tell the outcome of all this.

Joe you are right on there is nothing else you can do just keep busy, keep making yourself a better person, and look for strength in yourself to get through this. No one knows what will happen in the future but the worst thing we can do is stress about the future that just clouds our thoughts and sets us a few steps back. Learn to know that the only person you need to make you happy is yourself this trait is something that all women are very attracted to. Go out and live have fun keep your head up you will do just fine.

I have a question. The more time that passes, aren't the two of us going to fall out of love with each other?

Not neciessarily. Have you ever heard the saying "the heart grows fonder with distance"? You just have to think positively, and remember that the more thinking the better because it will lead to your relationship improving.:)

I think that depends. I'm in your shoes too and I've asked a lot of people a lot of questions and from what I gather this is the gist of it... the way you guys left things off don't sound bad, so as time goes on she will forget about the negative things and remember the good times you guys shared. She will miss you... this works for you, but it will take a bit of time to sink in because she's the one that called it off.

The only risk of being apart is who they or you meet in between that time apart, and with that no one has control. I think the only chances of someone ever getting completely over an ex that did not end badly is if they fall in love with someone else they are completely happy with, because that will fill the void of loneliness and possible regret the ex left behind.

I have a question. The more time that passes, arent the two of us going to fall out of love with eachother?

Also the time apart will help both people put things into perspective. We as humans tend to categorize things, especially emotionally. These categories tend to be very general and all-consuming but then we use them in our decision making processes as though they are a completely accurate redition of truth.

For instance, and we all do this, if you've been fighting for awhile, statements like "We always fight." This statement, of course, is inaccurate, but it we treat it as truth and we approach the other person (or people) as though this is the truth. We do it in reverse as well. What people typically call "being in love" is when nothing the person does is wrong, even though if you weren't involved, you'd be like :eek: These are just human behaviors, and there's no point in trying not to do it, because everyone always will. That being said, you can be aware of it and use it to your advantage, rather then giving it control.

The obvious problem is that in negative situations like this, those are the overriding thoughts. Time apart will slowly allow those thoughts to dissapate and the things that were good will start to reappear in the other person's mind. But it takes time to happen, and that takes us back to the patience thing.

If it helps at all, like I said previously, I've been (and I guess still am) in a situation very similar to yours. It's taken a long time but I'm getting my feet under me again and I've learned a TREMENDOUS amount. You're on the right path, and I know it hurts like hell, but keep putting one foot in front of other and you will get where you want to be.

I think that depends. I'm in your shoes too and I've asked a lot of people a lot of questions and from what I gather this is the gist of it... the way you guys left things off don't sound bad, so as time goes on she will forget about the negative things and remeber the good times you guys shared. She will miss you...this works for you, but it will take a bit of time to sink in because she's the one that called it off.

The only risk of being apart is who they or you meet in between that time apart, and with that no one has control. I think the only chances of someone ever getting completely over an ex that did not end badly is if they fall in love with someone else they are completely happy with, because that will fill the void of loneliness and possible regret the ex left behind.

This sounds about right... However, I tried letting her know I am still here and I get nothing back from her. I think the best thing I can do is put it in my head that it is over and move on. Time will tell how this all plays out. I cannot continue beating myself up over this. The more time she spends away, the less I am going to want her in my life down the road. I feel hurt and betrayed on some levels over this. I know I had problems with myself, but to just up and leave I felt was wrong. She even said she wants to be friends to reestablish the trust. How can you do that when there is no contact?? All of this sounds like she was running me a line because maybe she did not know how to end it completely.

However, I tried letting her know I am still here and I get nothing back from her.

Don't have expectations on her responding or not. Right now she is protecting herself and thinking about herself. It sucks and it's selfish but that's how it is. You can either forgive her and tell yourself she got your message and that's good enough for now, or you can hold it against her and use it to further damage the relationship.

I understand the betrayal and hurt feelings. Remember that those we love have the greatest ability to hurt us, and that the hardest, hardest part about love is acceptance and forgiveness. When people get married they hear the "for better or worse" and never think about the "worse." If you really want this woman and really love this woman, keep loving her in spite of how you feel right now. Live your life and make yourself happy and say to yourself "yes, she's hurting me but I can deal with it because I love her and I want something more for us." Also known as, I suppose, turning the other cheek.

This sounds about right...However, I tried letting her know I am still here and I get nothing back from her. I think the best thing I can do is put it in my head that it is over and move on. Time will tell how this all plays out. I cannot continue beating myself up over this. The more time she spends away, the less I am going to want her in my life down the road. I feel hurt and betrayed on some levels over this. I know I had problems with myself, but to just up and leave I felt was wrong. She even said she wants to be friends to reestablish the trust. How can you do that when there is no contact??? All of this sounds like she was running me a line because maybe she did not know how to end it completely.
The only thing you can do in a situation like this is think about what would be good for yourself... that's the point of a break. As for spending time away and not wanting her in your life as much down the road, it's understandable to feel this but maybe you're only thinking this way because you're seperated now. And if you are feeling this misserable, then don't put yourself through any more greif. You have to think about yourself and not drive yourself mad hoping that she will come back but being unsure. Do what's best for you not her.

I understand she may be protecting herself. However, 2 weeks ago she came out and started text messaging me to tell me her life story for the last 3 weeks. Also, we did have plans to meet the following day, and we did. All I am saying that everything has gone well for the last few weeks. She has no reason not to respond to a simple "How are you" text message.

She has no reason not to respond to a simple "How are you" text message.

No reason that you're aware of. She may have plenty of reasons for herself. You're expecting rational behavior in an irrational situation. Maybe she's scared of how she feels, maybe she's angry, maybe she's hurt, maybe she's just busy. Have some faith, Joe, it's okay :)

I have always been told that if you really love someone, you stick by them no matter what. I really feel as if she does not love me. This thought makes me angry and wanting to move on. I honestly feel as if I will never hear from her again.

I have always been told that if you really love someone, you stick by them no matter what. I really feel as if she does not love me. This thought makes me angry and wanting to move on. I honestly feel as if I will never hear from her again.

Everyone loves differently. That's part of the biggest problem in relationships: communication. We expect that people speak our language, and they expect we speak theirs. When they don't, we feel that something is wrong. I am the same as you, to me, a large part of love is loyalty. But that's not true of a lot of people. You have to put yourself into her shoes and try to see the world as she sees it. You won't be good at this, but the point is, you're looking at this through your eyes and then making judgements on her actions. That won't work.

Anyway, the choice is yours, if you don't want to keep trying that's certainly your choice. No one will fault you for it. You have to decide what is best for you and everyone here will support you.

I really do appreciate all the support and advice I have been receiving here. Like I said, this whole situation is so confusing to me. All of this uncertainty sucks!! I have decided to just live my life and if she calls great... if not, then she doesn't. All in all, I just hate going through this healing process again. It will be a great thing in the end, but the road is extremely bumpy.

I'm doing the same. Just take it day by day. Things don't stay the same forever. And when you're this low, things can only get better. So for now just sit back, stay calm, and get through the ride. Eventually something will give on it's own. Either she will call, or you'll end up finding someone better that always makes you happy and never lets you down.

Ok... I have an update as for what is going on between us. Yesterday we spoke for about 3 hours in the late afternoon. She began to tell me that she loves me very much, still have all my pictures up, and wants our future we planned out together. The only thing is that she says she is still scared of what might happen and wants to just give it more time. A few hours after that, we spoke again for another 2 hours. In that conversation, she agreed that we have to have contact with one another if anything is going to be worked on slowly. We agreed to talk on the phone a few times out of the week, and see each other about once every other week to either go bowling, out to eat, anything fun. We will keep this up for about a month, and if all goes well, we will increase talking and hanging out.

She says that she doesn't want to move on, and made a promise to me that she wants to work on us and wants the relationship. In that last conversation, her and I were joking around with one another, and really got a lot of stuff out on the table about how we both felt. She also said I have to stop talking to everyone about and just hear what she is telling me. That is that she loves me, and wants us to work out. I think it went very positive. What do you guys think??

Nice to hear something good! Looks positive. Just take it slow now.

One question... did she call you or you called her?

Joe, very awesome :) I'm extremely happy for you man!

Now... comes the hard part. You have to do what she says! This time is for both of you but she is scared so you have to be willing to sacrifice and put her needs first for a long time. You'll be fine though, just don't get impatient :)

Here is the same advice I gave you earlier. It will be the best thing you can do


Ok...thats good. Reestablishing the trust is a long process....just take it slow and don't have expectations. The best way to establish trust is to be a good friend....listen....keep the friendship fun....lighthearted....laugh as much as possible. In short...be good friends.


The advice i gave you ....about being her friend? She is applying it. She said she wants work on being friends....So why would she sit there and pour her heart out to you? She is keeping it fun...light conversation.....happy. She is trying to be your friend. Do the same.

And you should continue to work on yourself. Work on your issues. Fix what the problems were. You can't even begin to thing of getting back in a relationship with her before you fix what broke.

I called her the first time, and she called the second time.

She even wants to coem to one of my therapy sessions.

She said last time we met, she was holding herself back from crying.

Anymore advice fellas?

Sounds like you've got everything set. She wants the commitment and she wants to put forth effort... and she has no intentions of moving on.:)

The only thing I hate is the fact that I can be impatient. However, I know this situation is extremely sensitive. Therefore, I have to be patient and take it slow. I know I cannot talk about the relationship unless she brings it up. I just hope this brings us back together. SHe actually gave me a call today to say hello on her lunch break. I thought that was nice and thoughtful.

I will be away this weekend to help ease my mind and help building my own lofe separate from her.

See.. things like that are proof that the break was a good idea. She's showing she cares and she's calling even though you're still on a break. So imagine how great it's going to be when you guys are back togehter. Just keep that in mind when you become impatient.:)

You have too much to lose by being the same guy who ran her off in the first place. Work on being a better more patient you, and stop scaring the female that you love. If you don't learn from you past mistakes, they come back to bite you. It seems you should have ample incentive to work on you.

You have to much to lose by being the same guy who ran her off in the first place. Work on being a better more patient you, and stop scaring the female that you love. If you don't learn from you past mistakes, they come back to bite you. It seems you should have ample incentive to work on you.
You're totally right:)

Trust me... I will never be that guy that drove her away again. I see how it hurt my relationship now. I also know that it will destroy any relationship I ever have if I continue that behavior. This girl did everything for me, and I pushed her away by being that person. This month and a half was a huge eye opener for me. It gave me the reality check I needed. Maybe as much pain as I felt these last few weeks, it was a blessing in disguise. All I want is to be a better person for myself, then for Carolina.

I am just a little concerned that it might be a little awkward between us when we hang out. Any suggestions on that??

Go SLOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! There is no hurry to get deep into each other. She will be checking you out for positive signs of change, so remember what the therapist has been showing you. Go easy and make her comfortable.
By the way what has your therapist been saying to you?

He tells me that 99% of the things that go on in relationships, I just have to let go and not let it bother me. In regards to my current situation, he says that it is only temporary. He also says that the fact that she is now willing to have contact is a great sign that she still wants this relationship. Patience is key in this situation. He advises me to do fun activities with her. Having fun with one another will help strengthen the bond between us. He told me to listen to the Frank Sinatra song "Nice n Easy". It cannot be the way it has been for the last 2 years right now. Basically just taking it slow will show her a lot.

You are lucky...

I will consider myself lucky when her and I are back together. Right now, I see myself as someone who helped mess up his own relationship.

I will consider myself lucky when her and I are back together. Right now, I see myself as someone who helped mess up his own relationship.

No different then most people, since relationships take work and humans make mistakes. You are lucky in the sense that she is giving you another chance... many of us here didn't get that from the person we wanted it from. Be thankful for each part of this that has worked out for you and has gotten you where you are now. Humility is important and will serve you well, especially in your reconciliation.

I don't want to burst your hope but my bet is there is a new guy that she is interested in. I was in a relationship for 6 years before things went bad. You know? My ex used the same lines on me. Like you, it is very hard for me to trust people and that was one of the problems with our relationship. The point is this. Women hate to be by themselves. If she is saying she wants a break it is probably because she doesn't want to come striaght out and tell you that she doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore. All I'm saying is that you shouldn't let her string you along. That's what was happening to me until I decided to completely cut her off. In the beginning my ex would call and tell me she missed me, that she wanted to come and visit me, and that she loved me, but when I asked her whether she was IN love with me, she would responded by saying she doesn't know. That's the other thing. Women don't know what the heck they want. Just stay away from her for about three to four months and if you are still interested than give her a call and see what's up. As for me, it been five months and I have had no contact with her although she calls, asks to be "friends" on myspace and other on-line communities, and has sent me messages every time after running into me from the night before. I do think when I am ready I will make contact but for now stay away and think things through. I am very happy that you are getting help with your trust issue. I have also been re-evaluating myself and making daily changes. Good luck. P.S. The pictures on myspace don't mean a damn thing. My ex still wears and take pictures with the jewelries I bought her. Unlike guys, girls have this incredible ability to switch on and off and just pick up an leave when someone else or thing has peeked their interest. Women are all about emotion. Tap that and your gold.

I don't want to burst your hope but my bet is there is a new guy that she is interested in. I was in a relationship for 6 years before things went bad. You know? My ex used the same lines on me. Like you, it is very hard for me to trust people and that was one of the problems with our relationship. The point is this. Women hate to be by themselves. If she is saying she wnats a break it is probably because she doesn't want to come striaght out and tell you that she doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore. All I'm saying is that you shouldn't let her string you along. That's what was happening to me until I decided to completely cut her off. In the beginning my ex would call and tell me she missed me, that she wanted to come and visit me, and that she loved me, but when I asked her whether she was IN love with me, she would responded by saying she doesn't know. That's the other thing. Women don't know what the heck they want. Just stay away from her for about three to four months and if you are still interested than give her a call and see what's up. As for me, it been five months and I have had no contact with her although she calls, asks to be "friends" on myspace and other on-line communities, and has sent me messages everytime after running into me from the night before. I do think when I am ready I will make contact but for now stay away and think things through. I am very happy that you are getting help with your trust issue. I have also been re-evaluating myself and making daily changes. Good luck. P.S. The pictures on myspace don't mean a damn thing. My ex still wears and take pictures with the jewelries I bought her. Unlike guys, girls have this incredible ability to switch on and off and just pick up an leave when someone else or thing has peeked their interest. Women are all about emotion. Tap that and your gold.

Probably a good idea to read the ENTIRE thread before posting...

Ignore this post.

In regards to her having interest in someone else... anything is possilbe. It could very well be that. However, she has stressed to me over and over that it isn't. Time will tell what will happen. Until then all I can do is live my life and play the cards life deals me. I know all that myspace crap, and anything I see online is probably done out of spite so I or someone I know will see it. It is only done to bother me. I guess that is part of the game people play with one another. I love her so much... but if it is not meant to be, what am I going to do? Cry about it? No way!! That is something I have not done since this has happened. Worst case scenario... I just pickup the pieces and move on.

My ex swore to me that there was no one else and sure enough there was. I found out the hard way by driving by and seeing her with a guy. Funny how no matter what bad she did or does in my brain, I still think about the good. I hope to find to he right one ASAP!

One thing I am learning the best way either move on or get them back is to just live your life and be happy with yourself. One of two things will happen. You will get over them, or they will see you are living great without them and want you back.

*UPDATE*

Ok... last night her and I met to play pool. It went very well. She did bring up how she has been feeling for the last month and a half. She also said that she knows she wants this relationship and wants to take it slow. I already knew this, but she felt she had to reassure me. After we left the pool hall, her and I went to grab something to eat. While we were there we both were laughing and joking with one another. She told me that she loves me and wouldn't be here if she didn't love me and want to get back together. I told her that this break will only make our relationship stronger, and I agreed with her that we needed this to fix our problems now. All in all, it was a great night and we both had fun.

Good Job Joe... best of luck take it slow and I hope the best for both of you!

Thank you Flyguy. Slow is the only way to take it. If we love each other, there is no reason for us not to work this out.

awwe! that's wonderful!:D

I just have to be patient, and good things will come to me.

Yeah, I'm in the same boat as you, but me and my girl have been going out for 12 years, I literally had withdraws for 3 days when she left. I gave her a week of crap now I'm backing off for good before its too late. So I can figure out if I want her back (shes a handful) and to gain a little control back in this situation.

The whole point of a healthy relationship is working together for the benefit of you both, through talking and listening. Go slow and learn how.

I agree 100% with you. We both had a great time the other night. We both assured each other that we need to take it slow. Her and I both said we want the same things regarding us, and this is what we are both working towards.

That great.:)

Although everything went well, I still have my concerns about being strung along. For the last month and a half she has said we aren't broken up, we are just on a break. Then the other night she said we are broken up, but she wants us to be back. Sometimes I just do not understand what she is trying to say. She still says she wants to take it slow and I have to be patient. I totally agree with that, but I do not want to be a doormat either. How should I treat this??

Keep in mind that clean breaks are generally better than those minibreaks or sort-of breakups that are a bit easier to deal with at the time. Upon breaking up, attempt to resolve lingering issues, then take some time away from each other, even if you intend to remain friends. Remember the good aspects of the relationship (there must have been some), and then get excited about the new direction your life is suddenly taking. Change can be awesome!

I don't understand... where does that leave us?

I know we had a great time... but why I am still confused as to what she wants?

It's good a take a long break, will be changes after that, but it will be good.

I know it will be good changes for me as an individual. However, will it be good changes for the existing relationship?

It most likely will even though it could go both way...
Just stay positive:)

I know it will be good changes for me as an individual. However, will it be good changes for the existing relationship?
As long as you both are honest and positive and willig to work together, you will learn how to communicate and compromise. Be patient. I've been married 33 years, and still take things one day at a time. No hurry!!!:)