Multiple threads merged

Some background first. I am 27 she is 26. Me and her met about 2-3 yrs ago through a friend. We hit it off right away but never really got a chance to meet again until recently when our friend re-introduced us about 4 months ago.

Since then we have been inseparable. We have talked about how we are so lucky to have found each other. I treat her great and she treats me great. The sex is friggin amazing, still... and we are allways doing something on the weekends. We go to church together with her parents every Sunday. I guess you could say we have the perfect relationship. We get compliments on how great we look together all the time. Oh and her family loves me and mine does her. I gave her a promise ring already and she loved it. We both love each other very much

But we drink.

On Sunday night me and her got pretty drunk and we started fighting a little bit. We have done this a few times before when we drink, but usually the blame gets put on me. Apparently this was the last straw for her. I pretty much flipped out and yelled at her and said some nasty things to her so she left to go home. Before she left I had told her to give this promise ring I gave her (we were seriously thinking of being engaged by xmas). She gave it back and went home.

The next morning I tried to call her but she didn't answer (not surprising)... so she eventually stopped by my house without calling after she got off work to get her stuff she had at my house. She wouldn't even look at me. We talked a little... read on...

You see I have promised that I would get my drinking under control so I stop flipping on her like I do. So I had stopped drinking during the weekdays, I dindt have a sip for the previous 6 days. Its not every time I drink I flip out, its every time I flip out I am drinking. We seriously have fun when we party, its just we have had 3 fights while I was drunk so far out of the probably 50 times we have drank together. She won't quit because she insists she has no drinking problem and its all me.

Anyway on Sunday night I apparently made her feel afraid of me because of how angry I got. She got scared that's why she left. She thought I was going to hit her she said. She has been hit before in past relationships. I do remember her saying she was scared and that's when I backed off. I don't come from an abusive home so I am very strongly against domestic violence. I backed right off as soon as I saw she was afraid. Don't make the wrong assumption...

OK so...

She told me when she stopped by Monday I "had lost her already" and that she "needs some time to forgive me". I don't know if this is it for us (if its over) or if she really just wants some time to herself.

I called her teuday and did the whole "please don't leave me, waaaah wahhh waaaah... lol... she only spoke to me for a few seconds though and didn't want to hear apologies this time.she said that I need to stop calling and let her call me that I need to go to AA and get help. Well I went to see a councelor Wednesday (yesterday) and am getting my drinking under control but I don't think I need AA, because if I don't want to drink I won't I'm not hooked like that. I personally don't think I should drink around her though at all, I think that will help a lot. Today Thursday, will be 4 days clean, drank 1 day in the past 11 days, so I don't think I am that bad to begin with, but if its what she wants I may continue with the program. Do you think I should or is this her just trying to control the situation or something?

So I have not heard a word from her since teusday morning. I have not text or call her back, she said she would contact me, is this right or should I call her.

I really am missing her a lot, I want to speak to her so badly, I love this girl more than anything!! But if it is meant to be Jesus shall make it.

If she does decide to take me back I am going to make a point to not spend so much time together. To not breath down her back or expect her to call all the time.. to let her do her thing and me do my thing. I have pretty much dissed all of my friends to spend what free time I have with her. And her the same. We are both pretty busy with work. We talk on the phone everyday, but usually don't see each other until the weekend. Maybe a lunch here and there during the work week. I work nights she works days. So I am not sure if we spend too much time together to begin with, but there is something with me that makes me not appreciate our time together like I used to. I think that's why I am flipping out on her, because I am getting too comfortable and taking her for grantedwhen I am with her.

Believe me I don't take her for granted now that she isn't around... dam* man I am so depressed, help!

If you flip out and yell at her when you're drunk, that simply means you want to flip out and yell at her when you're sober. Alcohol doesn't make you do anything, all it does is keep you from knowing better than doing the things you know you shouldn't be doing.

There's no way to know if she'll come back to you or not. I can say that if you keep drinking, she shouldn't, because you're an when you're drunk.

That being said, don't stop drinking to get her back. Stop drinking because you're losing control when you drink, and it's clearly hurting the people around you. Once you get yourself in some kind of order, then you can start thinking about adding other people to your life.

WOW, that was really a lot to take in. I am afraid, however, you may not like what I have to say. I see SO MANY red flags here. This relationship is abusive and destructive. It already may have self-destructed already.

Now, I will pick apart your post and show you what I am talking about. Okay?



since then we have been inseperable. we have talked about how we are so lucky to have found eachother. i treat her great and she treats me great. the sex is friggin amazing, still..... and we are allways doing something on the weekends. we go to church together with her parents every sunday.

Too fast too furious. Relationships take time to build. You still have to have your own identity apart from the "couple" identity.


but we drink.

I see trouble coming.


me and her got pretty drunk and we started fighting a little bit. we have done this a few times before when we drink,

And here it starts.


usually the blame gets put on me.

The blame game is very popular with alcoholics.



you see i have promised that i would get my drinking under control so i stop flipping on her like i do. so i had stopped drinking during the weekdays,

Weekdays is not enough. You have to stop completely.


she wont quit because she insists she has no drinking problem and its all me.

This is called denial.


anyway on sunday night i apparantly made her feel afraid of me because of how angry i got. she got scared thats why she left. she thought i was going to hit her she said.

Here is another clue that you have a problem. I have no doubt in my mind that she does too. Just quitting throughout the week is just an excuse.


i called her teuday and did the whole "please dont leave me, waaaah wahhh waaaah.....lol....... she only spoke to me for a few seconds though and didnt want to hear appologies this time.she said that i need to stop calling

This is called "being needy." Women don't like needy men. Leave her alone. That is what she asked for. If you care you will do what she asks.


well i went to see a councelor wednesday (yesterday) and am getting my drinking under control

Congratulations!! The first step in sobriety!!


but i dont think i need AA, because if i dont want to drink i wont im not hooked like that.

Hmmm, backsliding already? You see this is what most alcoholics say. Again, this is called denial and is very common in the addicted person.


if she does decide to take me back i am going to make a point to not spend so much time together. to not breath down her back or expect her to call all the time.. to let her do her thing and me do my thing.

PERFECT!! This is how a relationship should work!

There are so many red flags in this relationship, it may be time to just call it quits. You recognize that you need to quit drinking. She doesn't. You both have a problem and that problem is alcohol. You both need to quit completely.

Some people can be social drinkers, but when it begins to affect your personality, you know you have a problem. If you quit, and she doesn't, what will keep you from going back to the drink? You see, in AA and other addictions, the addict must distance themselves from the temptations, that includes friends, family, and places where you find temptation.

Get yourself better first, then work on your relationships.

If you flip out and yell at her when you're drunk, that simply means you want to flip out and yell at her when you're sober. Alcohol doesn't make you do anything, all it does is keep you from knowing better than doing the things you know you shouldn't be doing.

There's no way to know if she'll come back to you or not. I can say that if you keep drinking, she shouldn't, because you're an when you're drunk.

That being said, don't stop drinking to get her back. Stop drinking because you're losing control when you drink, and it's clearly hurting the people around you. Once you get yourself in some kind of order, then you can start thinking about adding other people to your life.


Thanks james for the insight.

You are correct... I do want to yell at her sometimes when we are sober.

You have to understand, she comes from a tough past as far as relationships go. She has trouble being affectionate sometimes, which I think is making me insecure. My insecurities all come out when I am drunk as anger.

I have tried to talk to her about her past and want to help her through stuff. Let her know I am there for her. But it seems like she pushes away sometimes. She doesn't want to talk about it, which makes me more frustrated. I tend to think she isn't that into me anyway. I have been cheated on before and very hurt by it, I think part of my problem is I have a guard up against fully trusting women and I over examine everything. I get upset when she doesn't call on her lunch, but really she was just busy. And she doesn't "have" to call. I will allways talk to her later on. She never has not called me later on.

I think I want more from her than she can give, or should give. I need to fix this because I do indeed love her, I just have my insecurities.

And yes when I am drunk I gain confidence, that's why I am able to bitc* at her then. But my insecurities are not her problem right?

In response to J-9

Yes I do have a drinking problem, I drink too much in a short period. She drinks often too, it is how we met, it is the scene that we live in.

I understand it is not a good scene to be in, but in the meanwhile, before children, I am going to have my fun.

Like I stated we do not argue every time we drink. Not at all. We usually have fun with friends or out at the bar and are perfectly fine. Just sometimes, like this weekend, we had a rough couple days. She was on her rag and pissy all weekend. OK not everyone's perfect, but I had enough. I got tired of having to listen to her all weekend so I told her about it, not in the nicest of ways though, that's how the fight started.

What I should have done was say, babe, I understand you are pms'ing and maybe its better if you just take the weekend to yourself and I will too. If I had done that, I would have been happy to see her by Monday after work and she happy to see me. But no, I let it escalate. I let it go until I couldn't take anymore, and I blew up.

You may think its all because of alcohol, but there are other issues that make me flip out alcohol just allows me to do it.

We really need to see someone. Someone who can help us with our communication problems, not someone that is going to tell us that we need to quit drinking.

If we had communication I wouldn't be upset. Then I wouldn't flip on her when I drink. She wouldn't be worring when I do drink if I don't flip on her. I am in no means an angry drunk, I am allways happy go lucky... its just when I am pissed about other things

I have seen way too many people fight because they were drinking. We all know how it makes us lose our cool too easily and not be logical. I say stop drinking around each other... period. Maybe some champagne for New Years type thing, but, alcohol just ain't worth losing a relationship.

And, really, there's a lot more to do than drink that will make you happy.

I have seen way too many people fight because they were drinking. We all know how it makes us lose our cool too easily and not be logical. I say stop drinking around each other...period. Maybe some champagne for New Years type thing, but, alcohol just ain't worth losing a relationship.

And, really, there's a lot more to do than drink that will make you happy.

True... I have already committed myself to not drinking around her...

A glass of wine with dinner is OK, but getting drunk around her... nope I isn't doing that anymore...

At the least she won't be scared if I am going to turn into drunk me if I am not drinking. It will make it easier on her to trust me once again.
Thanks man.

Here, I am going to "Chuff" again.



yes i do have a drinking problem, i drink too much in a short period of time. she drinks often too,

Recognition of the problem is the first step.



it is the scene that we live in.

i understand it is not a good scene to be in,

First line is just another excuse. Second line: good that you recognize that there is a problem.



before children, i am going to have my fun.

By then it may be too late.



she was on her rag and pissy all weekend.

Ohhh, bad words!! BAD, BAD!



what i should have done was say, babe, i understand you are pms'ing

Oh, no, never, ever, and I mean NEVER say this to a woman. OMG!! :eek: No way!! Them there are fighting words!!



you may think its all because of alchohol, but there are other issues that make me flip out alchol just allows me to do it.

I don't think it is ALL because of alcohol, but alcohol does bring out the real personality. It does make you feel bulletproof and whatever you were going to keep quiet just comes out the ole piehole. LOL

You may have other issues, and counseling may be very beneficial. But you really do need to work on the drinking problem.

Yes I hopefully can talk her into going to couples counciling. When and if she ever wants to date me again.

Well see my girl wouldn't be upset about me saying if she would like to go home because she feels like . She's not that superficial.

I am going to work on my drinking. I am not going to get drunk around her. As someone else said there's plenty to do besides drink. And we do aot of stuff already, its just we drink too. Trust me if I don't drink she won't drink. She said that she won't quit but that doesn't mean she's going to get plastered while I sit there and watch.

We can do this, I just wonder if she will take me back. I think I really frightened her.
I guess she just needs some time to try and remember the old me, the one that she trusted and the one that she knows loves her deeply and would never lay a hand on a woman.

Good luck to you. I hope it all works out the way you want. Just remember to give her the space she asks for. She will call you when she is ready.

Hi,

I have a problem that almost killed my relationship, though she doesn't know this yet. I am very insecure with her. She is vey pretty, flirtatious, outgoing, independent, everything I fell in love with. But lately I get this overwhelming feeling that she might have feelings for other guys, or in her case other guys and girls.

Like I stated she is very flirtatious. I knew that going in. it is her personallity that makes her such a fun person. And everyone at the bar or wherever notices that. She is absolutley gorgeous, a red head, so a lot of people are attracted to her.

I have said something about would she ever stray from me and she said why would I think that. She loves me. And I know how she is. If someone is paying her unwanted attention, then she has no problem telling the to fark off. She's very strong willed and independent.

Well we are taking a break because of a fight we had a week ago, I have not reaally talked to her too much since, she said she needs space, and that's what I'm giving her.

When I do talk with her I would like to tell her that most of my problems with her are because I am insecure, and even though I would yell at her in the past for talking to a guys, or question her when her phone rings, who's that... none of this was her fault.

I need to realise that this is the girl I fell head over heels for and she loves me an awful lot. How do I beat my fear of her straying from me.

I have tried my way, which is being up her all the time, asking what she's doing and calling a lot. This I think smothered her, and we both became pissy at each other. I think we spend too much time together too. I don't feel that it is special when we hang out. Well sometimes, but after about 2-3 days together we start bickering. HELP!

She is who she is and you need to just decide whether you trust her or not. If you don't trust her to be faithful then maybe there is a good reason. But don't tell her too much about your insecurities because that makes you look weak. You have to look strong, like you are confident that you ARE the guy she should be with... if you really love her and want her. If you get back together you either need to just trust her no matter what or end it because you don't trust her. Going out while always worrying about whether she would cheat on you will drive you crazy.

I agree thank you.

I talked to her on the phone just a few minutes ago, and she says that she feels smothered. She feels like she lost her identity.

I admitted to her that I was not letting her do her own stuff and that I was holding her back from her friends. I seemed to think that since I spend all my free time with her, she should be obligated to do the same. And when she didn't answer the phone or something like that, or didn't call me on her lunch break, I would think it was because she didn't like me anymore. How nieve is that... I seriously need to grow up. I told her that none of this was her fault. How could she be to blame. She allways blew her friends off for me, but it wasn't enough for some reason.

I have always been in relationships where the girl spends all of her time with me. I've never had a girlfriend that wasn't willing to drop everything for her man. And she shouldn't have to. Nobody should have to do that.


Well, on the phone just earlier, she told me that she is not looking for anyone else during our split. She is not sure if we will ever date again, but if I make some serious changes, then prove to her that I will not smother her and will trust her, then maybe we will work out.

I am not sure how to go about this any help.

What you experienced before, and what you might be headed to now are co-dependent relationships. You need to be INDEPENDENT.

Be yourself, like and love yourself. You have to do this before you can like or love anyone else.

She is a part of your life, but NOT your life.

Thanks J-9...

I really do need to be more independent. After all that's what attracted her to me in the first place. I have my own house, a nice car, I liked to go out and party... I had really good friends... I was very idependant.

I think when I got her I was just so afraid of losing her that I squeezed tighter and tighter. Eventually she burst and couldn't take it anymore.

I really need to think about what I have done here. I need to plan a way that I can get her back, and come up with a plan that I will be able to follow and tell her how I plan to change. How I plan to not be up her butt 24/7

If she doesn't call me, so what... she will call later. She was probably busy.

Hell that isn't as bad as her not even wanting to talk to me as she is doing right now.

Well she said a few weeks and don't call her. She said to leave her be, she will call me.

OK I won't call her, its going to be tough but all I wanted was to know that there still might be a chance, and I found that out. If she calls I will be ready with a dinner invitation and a nice movie planned. When she is ready to talk she will be calmed down enough that we might actually be able to work this out! I might be able to convince her that I am really willing to change.

Dude, your insecurity has blinded you to the fact she is with you and you should be enjoying it. Learn to love yourself enough that you don't need to be all up someone's butt to feel good and start to balance your life with something other than a female. Be happy yourself, and let someone share it but never ever depend on some one to make you feel good. That's your job. You have to prove this with actions, not words and no matter, what do not call her no matter how long it is. Get your own life, your happy with.

if she calls I will be ready with a dinner invitation and a nice movie planned.
Forget that, let her lead and you listen, if she calls. She will be looking for signs of change, not reconcilliation. Keep it light and brief with no mention of the past or of a relationship. Learn to be a good LISTENER, if she calls.

Dude, your insecurity has blinded you to the fact she is with you and you should be enjoying it. Learn to love yourself enough that you don't need to be all up someones butt to feel good and start to balance your life with something other than a female. Be happy yourself, and let someone share it but never ever depend on some one to make you feel good. Thats your job. You have to prove this with actions, not words and no matter, what do not call her no matter how long it is. Get your own life, your happy with.


She just text me with "that talk that we had tonight might have saved your as*.....give me a few weeks....dont call me...goddnight"

It looks as if me admitting to her that she hasn't done anything wrong, and that this is my problem, that I couldn't let her do anything without checking with me first was wrong.

I can't believe I got like that with this one. Eventually I want to marry her.

In a way I am glad this happened. It made me realise what I actually have. A strong independent, caring, loving forgiving woman. Now you are right, I need to acquire those same qualities. Especially the independent one.

I have lots of fun friens that I could hang out with when she has stuff to do. In the long run it will make her realise that I am not a loser. That I can have fun without her, even though she knows ill be thinking of her.

I need to learn to let go... like you said I need to realise what I have! Not what I'm going to lose.

OK well you can read my previous posts if you want the full story, but the short of it all goes like this. My girl of a 4 months and I had split/ take a break for the past week. I did an awful lot of thinking, and figured out on my own that I was smothering her. It's not that we spent too much time together, she works full time and same with me, so we usually only see each other on the weekends. Maybe a lunch here and there during the week. I did allways want to know what she was doing, though I wouldn't constantly call, because she would call me throughout the day. It almost seems after a while that the conversations got boring and I often wondered why do we talk about nothing? On the other hand, I would get upset when she didn't call, like what I'm not good enough, or she can't/ won't make time for ME? I wouldn't tell her about it, so I would bottle it up and then blow up at a later time. Usually when I had a little liquid courage in me.

So I realize that I have these insecurity issues. She is a very outgoing girl, flirtacious and very fun. Everyone loves her! She has a lot of guy friends, she's allways been a tom-boy of sorts so this is understandable. Well I wish I was certain that she wouldn't cheat. I mean I know she wouldn't but deep down I still worry. I think this is why I wanted to know what she was doing, and that's why we talked a lot on the phone. Like she would be out with her girls and I'd call her cause I hadn't heard from her in a while. She would answer and I'd make up some dumb reason why I had to call her to make it seem like I wasn't checking up. Some of her friends said that I do call a lot.

Well you guys get what I'm saying here. I am insecure and I control her in a way. Well I realised this and I know I need to change. Today we had lunch, and it was nice, we were totally civil, had great conversation, I told her that I will back off and get busy with ME first. There's going to be a lot of changes here. There has to be.

But how do I go about this? I have lots of friends of my own and always have a somebody I can chill with. I guess just occupy my time.

I am totally cool with only seeing her one or two days a week. With little contact over the phone. Of course a goodnoght call and stuff like that, and if I need to seriously ask her something, but I need to stop calling so much for no reason right?

I need to just back off I think. She definitely loves me still, I could tell by the hug she gave me. Oh and the kisses too. Our spark is still definitely there, I don't want to lose it for good though.

Well its like this you either want her now and you call her everyday and bug her loke crazy and you will last a fewmonths then she will show you the door! Or you get a life without her and keep he for god. You really want to know something which is amazing.

Kisten carefully when I first met my girlfriend there were a million guyschasing her she is very attractive. Too attractive for me and I'm a good looking guy!! Anyway I was always worried when she went out and thought oh how I wantto call to find out what she's doing where she's going and all even though she was so honest and would never cheat she hadonlybeen with one other guy and I was still like crazy. But I listen and learned I satmyself down and thoght carefully aboutthings and I found that the lessi calle her the more she called me. So I hardly call at all and you know what she goes out with her friends and she calls me while she's out ND YOU KNOW WHAT SOMETIMES I Don't ANSWER AND THEN SHEMESSAGES ASKING WHERE I AM!! YES That's RIGHT THIS HOT GIRL IS OUT Probably GOTOTHER GUYS chasingher wanting hernumber and she's calling me! Youknow why cause I'm notr calling her!

So if you want herto start telling you everything don't call. It took me a whileto realise but I listened towhat she told me once I was on the way out with a few friends to a club and she said to me Don't TALK TO TOO MANY GIRLS!! Then she said well if you did anthing behind my back which idont think youwould cause I trust you there's noithing can do about it and then she said I love you and I TRUST YOU!

That's when I thought about it and thought there is no use ever worrying if your partner will cheat because if that's what they want to do they will but the best way to prevent this is not to push an attack them!! Don't be needy this will just make them look elsewhere if anything!!

Be unavailable andif they call don't always answer and NEVER I meen NEVER NEVER jusr fill in thre time when they are not busy let them sit thereand think about you!!

OK well me and my girl have been split for a full week now. But it gets weird. On Saturday was the first talk that we had. We had lucnh and were able to be civil enough to talk a little. Pretty much she said that we were not together but we are still together, like she doesn't want to see anyone else she just wanted a break. OK...

Sunday we go to church. After church I told her I was headed to the beach for the day with my two friends that she knows. She asked me if she can go cause that sounds like fun. I was really hoping that she would ask too. Well I said of course and we went down. On the ride down she let me put my hand on her leg like I used to and be a affectionate within reason. I am not pushing it by any means. So we started talking and she told me that she had been asked out a few times and since we are just 'friends' now that she is not sure if she would want to try and see what's out there. I said well its true we are only friends but I wouldn't want you to do that. I also told her that as long as I see hope for us getting back together, which I see some hope at least for now, that I would be faithful to her. So anyway that was the extent of the conversation. We eneded up having a great day at the beach and she even reached to hold my hand a few times. She gave me a few looks like she is very happy to see me and spend nice times with me. Oh and she also stayed the night after we got home. We did cuddle a little bit but she was sunburned so she didn't really want too much cuddling. It felt really good.

Yesterday (monday) after she got off work I text her seeing how she was because she had called me and left a message saying she had fun at the beach. I asked her if she would like to maybe rent a movie. She said that she may chill with her friend tonya and I said bring tonya over. Jessica called me back a little bit later and said that she wanted to just come over alone. I said OK and she came by. Well little did I know she had brought her work clothes for the next day, she assumed she was staying over. I asked her jokingly did I say you could sleep here and she was like, yeah right I knew you wouldn't mind. So we ended up playing video games with my roomates, which she loves to do by the way and had some drinks, a really good time we had. So when we went upstairs she breaks out the oil. I always would give her back rubs, foot massages, and everything until she fell asleep every time she stayed over. So I started massaging and could tell that we were both getting turned on. We pretty much both agreed without saying anything that we shouldn't have sex and just kept it to heavy petting. The whole time we were kissing and just being our old selves. While I was rubbing her back we were talking about how she had another chance to go on a date that night but she told the guy that she is still trying to figure out what is going to happen with her boyfriend (me). She declined the dinner offer with the guy. Well I told her again that I wish she wouldn't go out on dates and she said that she is not sure what she wants. She has never said she wants to be back with me, she allways says that she needs to find out if I have changed. I have. She says she likes the freedom of being friends. She might want to see other guys just to learn to appreciate me more. She knows she will never find a guy like me that rubs her back feet tells her she's beautiful and loves her as much as I do.

I guess what I'm saying here is I think she wants to see if I'm going to get jealous about her being her. I don't think she will go on a date, and if she does it would just be for something to do, and a free dinner. I know she wouldn't kiss or anything like that. But I am so scared that if she does she might find someone better than me. Even though she keeps saying that she never could find anyone better than me...

Why is she doing this, what should I do aabout it.

Wow, you two aren't split. I mean what has changed? Split up, broken up, whatever you want to call it, means that you are no longer seeing each other.

What really has changed?

Wow, you two aren't split. I mean what has changed? Split up, broken up, whatever you want to call it, means that you are no longer seeing each other.

What really has changed?


Well the fact that she says we are just friends. She doesn't want to commit to being my girlfriend for some reason. I understand that it is probably a self respect thing for her. She doesn't want to just give in you know. And I guess she thinks that us being just friends keeps it as if we are not together. I don't know man. I just want her to stay faithful that's why this talk about her going out on dates bothers me so much.

Doesn't make a difference. If you are split, you are split. That means no dating, no church, no beach.

So, you need to ask her if you are together or not. If yes, then work on the drinking together, if not, then adios, tata, see you later. You have your life, she has hers.

What is going on right now are just games, plain and simple.

You can't be split if you continue to do the same things you always did.

Doesn't make a difference. If you are split, you are split. That means no dating, no church, no beach.

So, you need to ask her if you are together or not. If yes, then work on the drinking together, if not, then adios, tata, see ya later. You have your life, she has hers.

What is going on right now are just games, plain and simple.

You can't be split if you continue to do the same things you always did.

OK well I guess we are not split. When we hung out it was like we were friends, obviously until we got some time alone. She never really said split. I took it as that because we didn't talk for like 6 days. We talked everyday so this wasn't easy. When we hang out this weekend, there wasn't any sort of bf/gf stuff like random kisses, little hugs, sit on my lap type stuff. She was just hanging out so in that since its different. Not that I would want to do all that when we were together, but I notice it now since we are just 'friends'


what the hell does just friends mean anyway if we are still being affectionate when we are alone. Why the hell won't she just commit and be my girlfriend. I told her I won't be up her all the time and will live my life and she live hers. Does she just want to see if I follow through for a while before she commits again? I am so lost, I can't even sleep right man I am constantly thinking of her. I never show it though to her how bad I am hurting, I just put on a smile and act like I'm cool with all this.

Mte your going to LOSE her. I know this and if you keep doing what you are doing You're OUT!! She has put you as a friend but at the moment she doesnty want to mis out on what she gets with you she gets fun times back rubs and the works and she knows maybe if she is not getting them someone else will...

Get some balls and if she doesn't want to be your girlfriend tell her well I'm goingo and dates cause I need to find someone who wants to be my girlfriend cause you only want friens so that fine but that's not what I want... That's all you need to say tell her you are going to date you want to be involved romantically and have a girlfriend to take out and give back rubs tooo...

She won't believe this ignore her and she will then want youu. Because at the moment champ she is usibg you and playing you she only wants you around to fill her time don't be fooled if a girl is really into you then they want you as her boyfriend!!

YOU MUST and this is MUST tell her you don't want to be friends you only want her a s a girlfriend and if this iswhat she wants fine if not your on the break to see what else is out there. Don't let her comne to the BEACh WHY the hell did you do that mnake her sit at home alone thinking what a great time she would have.

Listen dude she only gets to have a great time with you if she is your girlfriend if not she doesn't get you ion her life...
WAKE UP OR YOU WILL LOSE HER...

I think you should ask her if she still loves you and if she does ask her why she won't just be your girlfriend instead of theis friends bs. It is bad when a girl does that because then they can cheat on you and with other guys and if you say anything about it she will say we are just friends and act like she isn't did nothing wrong. So u my friend need to find out if she loves you and ask her tyo be your girlfriend again otherwise your screwed and you will lose her very fast.

Mte your going to LOSE her. I know this and if you keep doing what you are doing YOURE OUT!!!!!!! She has put you as a friend but at the moment she doesnty want to mis out on what she gets with you she gets fun times back rubs and the works and she knows maybe if she is not getting them someone else will....

Get some balls and if she doesnt want to be your girlfriend tell her well im goingo n dates cause i need to find someone who wants to be my girlfriend cause you only want friens so that fine but thats not what i want ..... Thats all you need to say tell her you are going to date you want to be involved romantically and have a girlfriend to take out and give back rubs tooo...

She wont believe this ignore her and she will then want youu. Because at the moment champ she is usibg you and playing you she only wants you around to fill her time dont be fooled if a girl is really into you then they want you as her boyfriend!!!!

YOU MUST and this is MUST tell her you dont want to be friends you only want her a s a girlfriend and if this iswhat she wants fine if not your on the break to see what else is out there. DONT let her comne to the BEACh WHY the hell did you do that mnake her sit at home alone thinking what a great time she would have.

Listen dude she only gets to have a great time with you if she is your girlfriend if not she doesnt get you ion her life...
WAKE UP OR YOU WILL LOSE HER....


You know what you are totally right. I should give her some perspective by telling her that I want a girlfriend. I want it to be her, but if she just wants to be friends that is fine, we will be just friends and I will start looking elsewhere for a girlfriend. I seriously am starting to get pissed about this though. I mean like she just text me goodnight a few minutes ago, so its not like she is being forced to still talk to me. I don't call her anymore. I just wait for her to call me.

Well see the thing about the beach was that I did want her to come, I didn't invite her, I was already going with my friends. She asked to go and I said OK. I at least am making it look like I am keeping busy, though all I think about is her to myself. Plus its not like she would have to just sit at home, she has tons of people to hang out with but she chose to hang out with me.

I don't think I am going to do anything right now. I don't want to date at the moment, but I will give her an ultimatum soon enough. I really do think she just is waiting to see some change in me and then we get back together. Well she's seeing change allright. She sees that I will respect the fact that we need to sow down. But if she waits too long I will tell her straight up I'm looking for a girlfriend, not more friends.

i think you should ask her if she still loves you and if she does ask her why she won't just be your girlfriend instead of theis friends bs. It is bad when a girl does that because then they can cheat on u and with other guys and if u say anything bout it she will say we are just friends and act like she aint did nothing wrong. So u my friend need to find out if she loves you and ask her tyo be your girlfriend again otherwise your screwed adn you will lose her very fast.


She does still love me I can see it in her eyes. And her actions say she loves me too. I think she just likes the control aspect of all of this. I think she likes knowing that she has control of what happens to us. I do want to give it at least another week before I ask her. I already have and she said she wants time to see change. Well she is going to her sisters way up in Michigan with her mom for the rest of the week. We will see if she tries to hang out with me after her trip or if she goes and hangs out with her friends.

OK before you get the wrong idea, I am not a creep that checks my girls messages. I wrote her a very heated message yesterday and woke up today and felt bad about writing it. So we use the same comp and our passwords are saved and all that so I went in under her ID to delete the message that I sent her before she could read it and hate me forever. Well I couldn't help reading the one below mine which was from her ex girlfriend!! Yes girlfriend. She is bisexual. Well the message read that my girl had dumped e because she told me she was gay. She never told me that, the whole time I felt like the split we are in was because I was messing up. I have been very good to her during the split trying my hardest to win her back. The message also said that she had no feelings for me anymore.

Well right now I sent her a text telling her to call me on her lunch break which is in like an hour so I figured id get on here and see what help I can find on what to tell her. I am totally done but she has to seriously see what she has done to me. I want her to hurt like I am right now.

I can't believe this man... love sucks

My opinion is that right now she may not be sure what she wants but she "wants her cake and wants to eat it to." Its good that you have enough faith in her to not think that she will go out on a date or kiss anyone but really you don't know that for sure. I like to put myself in the situation and I have done that to guys before, simply because I was ready to move on and see what else was out there, but was so used to the routine with the ex boyfriend, even though we weren't together I would still let it seems that we were. Also because I did not want to see him with anyone else. I know very selfish right, just be careful that she doesn't keep you on the backburner (I use that expression alot), just waiting for another opportunity to come along but having you there until it does. Good luck and I do hope things work out for you <3

Hi thanks for the reply but read my other question I just posted new developments.

hey hey, that's not a good attitude!

1st, you should ask her normally as if you haven't read that message. Ask her like "hey, i think i have some strange feeling, you know what? Last night i had a strange dream that ..." see how she reacts.

But you have to stay really calm.

If she really doesn't have feelings for you, there is no way that she will be hurt like you are.
Remember: the more you show your feelings and weakness, the less she felt hurt. She might feel sorry BUT NOT HURT.

So the best expression you should show is to remain cold face, tell her coldly that she did something really wrong to you then leave fast. For example, you say "i think you have done some very wrong thing to someone that loves you like i do but there is nothing left for ME to be hurt, it is YOU who will have to regret and live a hard life for what you've done to me". Say it like a STATEMENT that affirm to her face that SHE WILL BE HURT. Then leave coldly and fast.

She might not be hurt right away but trust me, this mind game will win her over.

Goodluck

Hahaha yeah man I seriously have the upper hand right now. I am just going to tell her that I found out something and am very hurt by it. Let her wonder what it is. When I do tell her what I know I am going to say that someone fowarded the message to me. She's not that computer savy and if I never admit to logging in she can't ever fully blame me for doing that. Man its eating me alive though dude. I seriously loved this girl. I mean I think she is just confused and I really know she is a great girl, marriage material, if she would just learn to appreciate what she has right here. But in the meantime I have the upper hand now. She will be begging for me to come back to her now!!

i seriously loved this girl. i mean i think she is just confused and i really know she is a great girl, marrage material, if she would just learn to appreciate what she has right here.

Do you really care that you have the upper hand? Love isn't about who is ahead or who is behind. Read this sentence again, crammed in your post, and think about it.

Toying with her to make her stew is kind of cruel.

Are you somewhat fascinated by her bisexuality, and is that what's causing the completely opposite emotions expressed in your posts? One sentence you are hurt and upset, the next you are laughing about having the upper hand, and then you are introspective. There's nothing wrong with being fascinated by it.

If you think she's really confused, and you love her, isn't that the better approach.

Why not just say "honey are you bi?" and say that someone told you she was bisexual. Then go into why you love her, marriage material, etc. Don't toy with someone who is already confused.

Dude, I moved your Myspace post here with this one. It is hard for people to go back and forth reading all the different posts. If you want the best advice it is easier to keep it all in one spot. New developments and all.

I already know she was bi. She had a girlfreind before me I knew that. I am more upset that she hasn't told me first that she was gay and that's why she wants to split up. She shouldn't have made it seem as if it was my fault.

I do love her and no I am not trying to be creul. I flat out told her about what I read, and she tried to deny it. I can't believe she is still lying. I love her and she didn't exactly cheat on me, but I am not sure if I can forget about this.

So, we have talked she is very sorry and appologetic, I think things might work out!

She played you and in some way it seems that you are trying to find mercy for her actions... Leave her alone now and move on... Easier said than done, right? But what else can you do now? She hurt you and left you. I wish you the best. Keep us updated.

Wow, I didn't see that one coming. I guess she was just to afraind to tell yo uthe truth maybe. You shouldn't want her to hurt like you, just let her know that she hurt you and just go about your own life and forget about it. I know easier said than done right. Just try not to dwell on it anymore, you tried and now you can have closier as to why she did all this, she was probably just as unsure about everything as you where. Let her live her life the way she wants and now its time to find someone that you can be happy with, and that can love you the way you love them. No more games.

Thanks so much everyone. Well I talked to her all day and I pretty much understand that she wrote that to her ex girlfriend because she was so mad at me from the split. Her ex girlfriend consoled her and she fell into her trap. This ex girlfriend is a psycho that will stop at nothing to get me to break it off with my girl. That said, we talked I told her I am not pissed anyomore and that I do trust her. If she tells me what she wrote was a lie and she wrote it because she was mad, then I believe her. After all I love the hell out of this girl. Well she just cooked me dinner and I came over and enjoyed dinner with her and her mom. My girl must have said a million times how bad she felt that I found out. And told me about a million times that she loves me. I think everything is going to be OK from here on. I feel a hell of a lot better about our relationship. I just want to thank everyone who commented for helping me through this hard time. You all have had great advice and genuinly do care about others problems. Kidos to everyone here.

Well we can pretty much say this is a success story. This board really helps. I will keep reading and maybe try to offer some of my own advice! Thanks again everyone!

OK so me and my girl have been together for like 5 months. I'm 27 she's 26...

We were very hot and heavy at first. Told each other we loved one another about 1 month and have had some really great times.

A month ago she said she needed space, so I gave it to her, after much boo-hoo ing on my part (bad mistake) and we ended up back together.
Evrything was great, and I mean we didn't fight or anything after the break. I was helping her out with a lot of things around her house, she is painting the walls and I tried to help as much as I could. I gave her flowers, took her out to dinner and the movies. Pretty much what I had always done because I love her soooo much. She even made me a wonderful dinner on my lunch break that I really appreciated. Basically everything was going great, at least I thought.

Well the next day after the dinner she doesn't call me. This is normal when she is busy at work but she always makes a point to call me when she gets a second. So about an hour goes by after she gets off work and still no call. So I give her a call. She sounded really distressed and told me that she didn't want to talk about it and that she just wanted to be left alone for a while to sort out some stuff. She said that it has to do with her bills, starting up school again, her job... everything except me. I kind of was like w t f because this is my girl and she's having problems, and she can't talk to me about them. Well I did let her go without letting it get out of hand and figured I'd talk to her later that night. Well guess what no call...

Next day same thing no call... so I call her when I know she was out of work and her phone was busy, she wouldn't switch oer for the call waiting even though she knew it was me. OK... im really getting pissed now, I felt like she was seriously avoiding me. So she calls back and is like 'nick we really need to talk'... im like oh no, cause we just went through this a few weeks back. So she starts telling me she has all this stress and is going nuts, and she just needs time to herself. Well I didn't like that much and started to question things about us... so she starts getting upset and said that she's noty sure if she's "in love" with me. She knows she loes me but there are things about me that turned her off. She said she needs space and time to miss me. I think she does still love me but for a girl that isn't enough. For her to be romantically with me she needs to be in love with me and I'm not sure if she ever will be.

Well I saw her yesterday after a week of pretty much no contact and we had a really nice time just chatting. We hugged for a long time and kissed a little. It was really nice and felt like we both really missed eachothers touch. Well I told her that I am her friend and am there to help not be a burden. I told her I will give her time(being very careful not to make it seem like I'm going to just wait around, she knows I will be going out to bars and hanging with friends, just as I always have) and I will give her space. I understand that I can't contact her and didn't call her today. She didn't call me either.

I kind of get the feeling from reading a lot of messages here that you guys will just say its over, she lost interest and you will never get it back. I feel that way too, but if is space she really wants then wouldn't she eventually miss me enough to want me back for good. I mean I am already planning on putting myself out there, I have a date with an old friend (whos a girl) on Saturday, stricktly pleutonic to keep me occupied and to show her I'm not just moping around. I want to become attractive to her again. I want her to want me as much as she did when we first me. I just hope that she cares enough to pay attention to what I have been up too..

A little backgound too... we go to church together, with her family, and when I saw her mom yesterday her mom said she misses me so much and that she's sad I'm not around. So at least I know her mom wants me to be with her daughter and she's pulling for us. Not like in past relationships where the mom hated me and would pressure the daughter to dump me. I have that going for me! Also my girl and I were very serious about knowing that we were meant to be together. She would look at me and say she could see her children in my eyes. She would tell me that it felt so good that she knows she didn't have to look for the one anymore, that I was him. We were an awesome couple, but I really fear she is done with me...

You have the right idea about going out and doing stuff with other people, but your not doing it for YOU. You're doing it to get her attention.. correct?

I don't want to just come right out and say it's over because who really knows for sure.

I think you're doing the right stuff to occupy your time, but you need to have the attitude that you're doing it for YOU, not to make her jealous or to make her miss you so she'll want you back.

Sometimes this works for people, but the same issues that were there the first time around usually surface again.

When both people involved don't click into some sort of bond after a few months and already need space and time to rethink things, you need to ask yourself if it's worth pursuing the relationship at all

You have the right idea about going out and doing stuff with other people, but your not doing it for YOU. You're doing it to get her attention..correct?

I don't want to just come right out and say it's over because who really knows for sure.

I think you're doing the right stuff to occupy your time, but you need to have the attitude that you're doing it for YOU, not to make her jealous or to make her miss you so she'll want you back.

Sometimes this works for people, but the same issues that were there the first time around usually surface again.

When both people involved don't click into some sort of bond after a few months and already need space and time to rethink things, you need to ask yourself if it's worth pursuing the relationship at all


Yeah I'm seriously starting to think this. I am doing it to make her jealous of me. I am doing it to make her want me back. I am such a sappy little bit ch...

I keep making excuses for why she wants me but her life is so hard. f.uck that... that bi.. tch don't want me. Imma start here and now with ME. I need to get myself back in line.

I know it's tough man, but you'll get through it...
Once your past this, you'll wonder why the heck you stressed over her in the first place...
You'll find someone who's good for you and good to you!

Let's cut to the chase. I'm female. If I told my boyfriend, "I need space and time to miss you," the relationship would be over. He would know it, and I would know it.

Get on with your life and be glad you are no longer a passenger on her emotional rollercoaster. Find someone who loves you for you.

Needing space means needing out but being scared of being alone, thus scared of saying I don't love you it's over.
Get off the rollercoaster and on with your life.

aanthonyy is dead on,us gals do tend to leave doors open out of fear of being alone or fear of making the wrong choices.
BUT,Sometimes, we meet the right people in life at the wrong time. Perhaps your gal has met someone she is attracted to and thinking she loves you it is confusing to her because that is not supposed to happen right? Or perhaps one of her friends has pointed out some flaws that she is now noticing more, or perhaps she secretly is just afraid of commitment at this stage in her life and it is causing her to pull back. The only one that knows is her. I feel like you need closure or you will always be wondering what if. Please write her a letter explaining your feelings and that if she comes and talks to you you can work through most anything BUT give her a timetable say of one week and then you will assume that it is indeed over and move on. This will scare her into action if she really loves you and if not then you will know.
Repeats rarely work out unless it is just based on immaturity and then only years later after people grow up and realize what they lost.