A few months ago, it was confirmed that my husband had been having an affair, one night I had gotten a call from one of his co-workers (whom he often gave a ride home to), stating he does not know what is going on but my husband was being arrested... I was distraught, thinking we are not the type of people who do anything wrong. Well I could not find out what he was arrested for, and when he did call me he said that it wasn't at all what it appeared to be and he hoped I could forgive him and we could work things out... Finally, at his release, we talked, it turns out he had been having a several year long affair, ("but, it wasn't that often that they slept together" his exact words) and that he possibly has another child (5 days older than our youngest) that he had been hiding, he has been paying this woman child support, in cash, every week for the past year (since the baby was born). And supposedly, he had told her that he was going to end the affair and tell me what has been going on, but then after telling her this, went to her house, where she let him in and they had sex, (I guess he learned a little, at least this time he used a condom) then the next day, she reported it as RAPE... which physically is not possible, and for her to use this as a way to retaliate in unbelievable. I have been through a lot, I am trying to work on this and make it work for our children but I find it getting harder to deal with instead of easier. I just don't know how I can believe him, he was going to tell me but still slept with her again? Who does that? And the nerve of this woman, who sat near me in a restaurant and listened to my conversation to my best friend about how I thought he was cheating on me, and did not have the conscience to say anything to me, it just floors me to know that there are men & women out there who sneak around and do this... and the best part of the whole thing is this child in question was most likely conceived in the bathroom of our place of business... where all of the employee's but me knew about this affair... I feel ashamed to go out in public. Am I wrong for wanting to work this out for the sake of my children? My family no longer talks to me, I have basically one friend that has stuck by me and basically said you do what you think is best, everyone else wants me to leave him. Has anyone else had an affair that was so public, so embarrassing and actually been able to forgive and make it work?

Wow. I haven't been in your situation, and hopefully I never am, but I just wanted to say my heart goes out to you. I don't think I would be able to make it work for the children. I told my husband from day one certain things would not be tolerated and no matter how much I may love him, if he ever cheated on me I would end the marriage in a heartbeat, before he even had the chance to explain. Certain things are unforgivable.

But... Only you know what is right for you. Maybe you two can work it out through conseling? Maybe after your hurt and anger subside it will get easier. But I really don't know. I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do.

Like Pixie Mama, I am so sorry to hear of your situation.
When I read your post I couldn't help but feel that if I were you, there would be no way that I could consider forgiving him purely for the embarrassment that he has caused you... everyone would know that you forgave him - and another way to put that is - that you accepted it... and I couldn't do that to myself as a person, no matter how much I loved them.

For him to go back time again even after saying he was going to end it really demonstrates the kind of person he really is - shallow, selfish and dirty. How could you ever have sex with him again knowing that he had lied to you and been with someone else? I find that disgusting and don't think I could do it personally.

And to cap everything off - you now have a permanent reminder of the whole event in the form of a child! Not only is it a reminder, but a constant attachment to the other woman...

For youto stay you would either have to be very strong or very stupid... probably both.

Ah sweet Leigh, I have to say that I am all for a marriage to stay together. I have to agree with the above posters. I just don't see anything coming out of this but heartache. He did this to you and I commend you for trying to forgive him. It sounds like he needs to be more ashamed of himself, and as much as it hurts it will probably have to be you to teach him that lesson. What do you think it would be like if you guys started immediate therapy? Is he willing to do it? Are you? Do you think in your heart that you could live with him and never bring it up again? If you make the choice to stay, you then relieve yourself of all rights to bring it up again, I mean sheesh you would have to totally forgive him in order to be happy at all. So I guess you just need to ask yourself those simple but very important questions, are you willing to forgive and let it go, are you guys willing to go through some tough therapy? I just wish you the best of luck and hope your family can support you in any of the choices you make.

First of all, you should carry no shame. You did nothing shameful or wrong - he did - and he will be the one to carry the shame. Secondly, if your only reason for wanting to stay together or work things out is for "the sake of the kids", then you should end it now. If you decide to stay together because you love each other, you have a chance. If you stay together for the kids, the kids will learn to disrespect you and your husband will probably either continue this affair or have another.

Many times when a partner cheats it is because they are unhappy and either don't feel heard or don't know how to express it. It's almost a childish 'acting out'. One thing for sure, there is a definite communication breakdown.

I feel for you. This entire thing must be a terrible blow. It must be very difficult to really know what you want because the emotions and thoughts must get all confused all the time! First things first, I say. Get yourself into counselling immediately. Preferably you would go into marital counselling - together. This would not necessarily to be to save your marriage, but to help you sort out your emotions on all of this, for both of you to communicate your feelings that led up to this as well as the ones that follow, and to help you determine where to go from here. You each may want to also participate in some individual counselling, and/or some family counselling at some point, depending upon the ages of your children.

Some people who have a strong commitment to saving their marriage CAN make it work. It is possible if it is for the right reasons. You need time to sort this all out though. Should you trust and believe him now? NO! It will take time for your trust to return. You need your questions answered, perhaps 3 or 4 times!

I do know that if you just try to forget it all and move on that it won't work. Both of you must communicate to determine what led up to this situation, how to prevent it from happening again if you do stay together and how to deal with the broken trust. Please, if you do nothing else, see a counsellor on your own to help you sort out your own feelings.

Best of luck to you. If you need support you will find it here. I hope you will let us know how you are doing. I am so sorry that you had to go through this.

Hugs, Didi