My ex just recently graduated from the NYPD academy, something he'd been in college for while we were dating. Now, he's out on the streets patrolling, and I know contacting him is a bad idea, so I'd like to write out how I feel here. For one thing, my dad told me the other day that he sees my ex on the train every morning, my ex apparently said hi to him one day, and they talk now whenever they see each other. My ex told my dad about graduating and about patrolling, apparently. His sister, my long-time friend long before I even met my ex, told me recently that it doesn't seem like the girl he's with now is going to be around too long.

Before I get flamed for that, I understand completely that it can't be about his sister or his parents thinking I'm right for him, it has to come from him. But I was honest enough with her for the first time in 6 months and I admitted that I feel like he found another "me," as in another long-term serious relationship, instead of the brief flings he'd had before. Its hard because living so close, I still see his mom around town and she refers to me as "the one that got away." All of this makes NC hard. We don't talk, haven't in months, yet he talks to my dad, I see his sister almost daily, and now I was invited down to Florida with my friend to see her grandparents...

I'm happy for my ex that his new girlfriend was there to see him graduate (she invited herself to his grad) and that she's been around for it because I know how much it means to him to do this. That said, I still had that twinge of pain to know that she gets to be there for it and I don't. She gets to be there for him, and for right now... I'm not because I know we both need to do our own thing. It was constantly topic of conversation the whole time we were together, him being a cop, me pursuing my career, what it would be like, the different processes etc. I guess the point is... I can't say a lot of what I want to say to him, and I'm writing it here so that at least its somewhere.

I'd want him to know how proud I am of him and how much I respect his determination to see this through. I'd want to tell him that he'll wear his badge with honor; that even though he might get hassled or he might have days where he questions why he bothers, he's making something of himself the way I've always known he would. I'd want to tell him to remember why I named that star after him, that its because he's a part of something so much bigger and he's going to find his way home no matter where he is. I'd give him a huge hug and wish him the best of luck in everything he does. I'd tell him I've never stopped believing in him, even though we're apart.

And for all of these reasons, I can't contact him. Because my heart, though mending, isn't strong enough to risk being shattered again. Because as much as I love him and believe in him, I'm focusing on making my life something as well. So that one day I can have that kind of success, that pride, and I can know that I did it. Because as proud as I am of him, and as much as I pray for him every night that he's safe out there in NYC, I've been getting to know new people, I've been crushing on new guys, and I've been doing my best to make damn sure I continue treading water and fighting not to get in over my head again.

I wonder if we parted ways to get our lives straightened out so that, if ever given a second chance, we can have it free of the stressors that were there originally. Part of me wonders if he'll ever come back, no matter how many guys I date, no matter how much time goes by... =/

My ex just recently graduated from the NYPD academy, something he'd been in college for while we were dating. Now, he's out on the streets patrolling, and I know contacting him is a bad idea, so I'd like to write out how I feel here. For one thing, my dad told me the other day that he sees my ex on the train every morning, my ex apparently said hi to him one day, and they talk now whenever they see each other. My ex told my dad about graduating and about patrolling, apparently. His sister, my long-time friend long before I even met my ex, told me recently that it doesn't seem like the girl he's with now is going to be around too long.

Before I get flamed for that, I understand completely that it can't be about his sister or his parents thinking I'm right for him, it has to come from him. But I was honest enough with her for the first time in 6 months and I admitted that I feel like he found another "me," as in another long-term serious relationship, instead of the brief flings he'd had before. Its hard because living so close, I still see his mom around town and she refers to me as "the one that got away." All of this makes NC hard. We don't talk, haven't in months, yet he talks to my dad, I see his sister almost daily, and now I was invited down to Florida with my friend to see her grandparents....

I'm happy for my ex that his new girlfriend was there to see him graduate (she invited herself to his grad) and that she's been around for it because I know how much it means to him to do this. That said, I still had that twinge of pain to know that she gets to be there for it and I don't. She gets to be there for him, and for right now...I'm not because I know we both need to do our own thing. It was constantly topic of conversation the whole time we were together, him being a cop, me pursuing my career, what it would be like, the different processes etc. I guess the point is...I can't say a lot of what I want to say to him, and I'm writing it here so that at least its somewhere.

I'd want him to know how proud I am of him and how much I respect his determination to see this through. I'd want to tell him that he'll wear his badge with honor; that even though he might get hassled or he might have days where he questions why he bothers, he's making something of himself the way I've always known he would. I'd want to tell him to remember why I named that star after him, that its because he's a part of something so much bigger and he's going to find his way home no matter where he is. I'd give him a huge hug and wish him the best of luck in everything he does. I'd tell him I've never stopped believing in him, even though we're apart.

And for all of these reasons, I can't contact him. Because my heart, though mending, isn't strong enough to risk being shattered again. Because as much as I love him and believe in him, I'm focusing on making my life something as well. So that one day I can have that kind of success, that pride, and I can know that I did it. Because as proud as I am of him, and as much as I pray for him every night that he's safe out there in NYC, I've been getting to know new people, I've been crushing on new guys, and I've been doing my best to make damn sure I continue treading water and fighting not to get in over my head again.

I wonder if we parted ways to get our lives straightened out so that, if ever given a second chance, we can have it free of the stressors that were there originally. Part of me wonders if he'll ever come back, no matter how many guys I date, no matter how much time goes by...=/
I'm so glad u shared your story and its great you wrote it out and in a way I feel bad for u just knowing your going threw all that it must be really hard and it is... belive me I know my x lived across the street from me.. we were tog for about 3 to 4 years and after we broke up it was so hard to see him everyday with someone tat he stared dating it was very heart breaking and so hard to go threw.. bt eventually I learned tat in life if u love someone let them go if they come back their yours and if they don't then u deserver something so much better...
I hope the best for you... good luck and hang in there.. things will get better
t.c

What will be, will be. Time has a way of mending things. Time has a way of easing ones judgments, giving us time for retrospect.

It seems to me that if the opportunity arose, that you'd be okay with it.

I like that in a person. I think you'll be fine.

Its been five months, and I've done a lot of healing, a lot of self-improvement, and I've spent a great amount of time with friends as well as by myself. Work is going well, my personal relationships are solid, and after five months of NC with my ex... I cracked. I didn't contact him, but I did check his/his gf's profile pages to find out if they're still together. They are. Its nothing major, but he's been on my mind way too much lately, and in that sense, its breaking NC.

I started NC for me, to take back my own sense of self and to start working on who I am without my ex in my life. It was a rollercoaster of emotions, and I was ready to stand on solid ground. If you read my posts prior to this, you'll see that we've been broken up for almost 2 years, so I'm supposed to be ahead of more recent break ups in terms of how far along I am with everything. I'm not. I took a break from dating for a little while, just to focus more on myself, to work and hang out with friends without any stressors like a relationship. I do want a relationship eventually, but I'm not going to lie, part of me looks at my ex having found someone he's been with for a little over 6 months and I wonder what I did wrong.

This is an odd situation, as his present girlfriend works where I used to, is friends with my ex-co-workers/girls I was friends with, and I hear about them a lot. He talks to my dad on the train going into work, which is nice but its not like he used to go out of his way to talk with my family. It was a bit of a sore spot because I'm close with my family and I'd invite my ex for family dinners and whatnot but he couldn't commit to it. He'd always say, "its not like we're getting married or anything."

Part of me wonders... if the grass is greener for him. If maybe NC wasn't just about me separating myself from it and learning everything that I have about myself. If maybe it means we will never speak to each other again. I'm not even sure what's best. I know I could never talk to him now because when we used to talk, he'd bring up the girlfriend just to bring her up, even the most generic conversations, shortly after he'd told me he didn't want a relationship. Again, better explained in previous posts. I WANT to better myself. I WANT to find the courage to take that next step and be in a new relationship, show that person and myself that I won't make the same mistakes.

But even with NC, I still have that pang that's gotten fainter whenever someone (my father, my friends, my best friends father who helped my ex get into his precinct he's in now, his sister who's one of my best friends long before I even knew him) talks about him, or says they don't think he treats his girlfriend now any better than he treated me. It doesn't help, no matter how hard I try not to think about it, no matter how much I tell myself it wasn't all my fault, I can't seem to ever look back on it without blaming myself for why it didn't last. Or why it is he's with her, and not me.

... Its been a really crappy day.

I have days, sometimes long periods, where I don't think about my ex at all. I don't concentrate on missing his friendship, our past relationship, last summer when we became reacquainted, any of it. That day was today...

... and then his girlfriend came into the clothing store I work at. She knows where I work, and she tried on some stuff with 2 friends, then, came out and was looking around. Then, I hear from my friend his girlfriend went the store (in another mall) my friend works out, gave her a rude look, then left shortly after, making sure to turn around and look at her again.

I have LEFT MY EX ALONE. I haven't contacted him since he's been with her, and I don't go to my former workplace because I respect that she works there now and I do not. You can call it coincidence, but coincidence or not, seeing her just brought it all back. She's younger than me by almost 2 years, she seems like a nice girl otherwise, but its like, you got the guy. Just leave me alone. Today just sucked. Plain and simple.

Its been five months, and I've done a lot of healing, a lot of self-improvement, and I've spent a great amount of time with friends as well as by myself. Work is going well, my personal relationships are solid, and after five months of NC with my ex... I cracked. I didn't contact him, but I did check his/his gf's profile pages to find out if they're still together. They are. Its nothing major, but he's been on my mind way too much lately, and in that sense, its breaking NC.

I started NC for me, to take back my own sense of self and to start working on who I am without my ex in my life. It was a rollercoaster of emotions, and I was ready to stand on solid ground. If you read my posts prior to this, you'll see that we've been broken up for almost 2 years, so I'm supposed to be ahead of more recent break ups in terms of how far along I am with everything. I'm not. I took a break from dating for a little while, just to focus more on myself, to work and hang out with friends without any stressors like a relationship. I do want a relationship eventually, but I'm not going to lie, part of me looks at my ex having found someone he's been with for a little over 6 months and I wonder what I did wrong.

This is an odd situation, as his present girlfriend works where I used to, is friends with my ex-co-workers/girls I was friends with, and I hear about them a lot. He talks to my dad on the train going into work, which is nice but its not like he used to go out of his way to talk with my family. It was a bit of a sore spot because I'm close with my family and I'd invite my ex for family dinners and whatnot but he couldn't commit to it. He'd always say, "its not like we're getting married or anything."

Part of me wonders... if the grass is greener for him. If maybe NC wasn't just about me separating myself from it and learning everything that I have about myself. If maybe it means we will never speak to each other again. I'm not even sure what's best. I know I could never talk to him now because when we used to talk, he'd bring up the girlfriend just to bring her up, even the most generic conversations, shortly after he'd told me he didn't want a relationship. Again, better explained in previous posts. I WANT to better myself. I WANT to find the courage to take that next step and be in a new relationship, show that person and myself that I won't make the same mistakes.

But even with NC, I still have that pang that's gotten fainter whenever someone (my father, my friends, my best friends father who helped my ex get into his precinct he's in now, his sister who's one of my best friends long before I even knew him) talks about him, or says they don't think he treats his girlfriend now any better than he treated me. It doesn't help, no matter how hard I try not to think about it, no matter how much I tell myself it wasn't all my fault, I can't seem to ever look back on it without blaming myself for why it didn't last. Or why it is he's with her, and not me.

I've posted in the past about my relationship, anger, sadness, even hope. I'm not sure how long its been since my last post, but its been 6 months of NC and I'm having difficulty with forgiving myself. Unlike a lot of people, I don't just look at my ex and say, "He was wrong." I look at a situation and say, its 50/50 if he was wrong, I was wrong, too. My question for those here at ENA is how do you forgive yourself? How do you stop wincing with regret when you think of things you said or did that were hurtful or impulsive? I know that I loved my ex, I know that I did all that I could while in the relationship and months after we'd broken up to show him how I felt. I've accepted that we will never get back together, and will probably continue with NC indefinitely.

My biggest hurdle is forgiving myself, and inwardly hoping one day he will let go of all the negative feelings he may have towards me, though I know I can only control my actions and not his. I wasn't perfect, I know when we fought I said some really stupid things that effected him, such as "I know I can find and do deserve someone who will treat me right." At one point he had said he'd never find anyone better, though now I'm pretty sure all guys say that while in a relationship because when I said it after we broke up, it really hit a nerve. I've always regretted saying that because when I said it, I never believed it I was just scared he would, indeed, find someone "better." Back then, my self-esteem was much lower. During these months of NC, I've accepted that I did the best I knew how, and what I meant by my statement wasn't so much "you'll never find anyone better than me" but was really my way of saying, there was nothing wrong with me that validates how you treated me. If that makes any sense?

I want to forgive myself, even if he may never forgive me for the way I went NC. 2 weeks after telling me he didn't want a serious relationship and didn't want to reconcile, he had a new girlfriend and claimed they were "serious" after 2 weeks. It hurt, and I said that if I ever wanted to know if I meant anything to him, he'd just made it crystal clear. Again, something that didn't need to be said. I want to forgive myself, and not say horrible things like that. I want to be forgiven, so I can make peace with myself. A huge part of me during the last 6 months of NC has really been struggling with that, and needs to know that... its okay.

The other posts are still somewhere on the board, its been a long haul, but I feel really good about things. Most importantly, I'm feeling really good about myself because I feel stronger now than I did 6 months ago. Even still, baby steps...

Keep with No contact and with time those feelings of hurt will leave. Memories will be all that remain. Stay busy and keep improving yourself, things can only get better! That someone special will be along sooner or later.

Sometimes you just have to learn to let go, you cannot fight the past, it is what it is. If you make an active choice to let go it can make all the difference. Forgivness, etc etc, perhaps its time to just let go.

The only way that you can forgive yourself is TO LOVE YOURSELF MORE.

Its time to take care of and love yourself and relax!

I know you're kind of blaming yourself for ruining that relationship and hoping if there was a way you could at least tell the other know at this point in time how ridiculous u feel about what you said, right? I look at it this way... relationship which is so fragile to break at the drop of a hat, is actually fake and no party is responsible for it. All you can do now is to remember him fondly... the moments you spent with him will fade with time... will get blurred, all that would remain with you would a lifetime experience... so learn and try not to make same mistakes again in future.

Its been five months, and I've done a lot of healing, a lot of self-improvement, and I've spent a great amount of time with friends as well as by myself. Work is going well, my personal relationships are solid, and after five months of NC with my ex...I cracked. I didn't contact him, but I did check his/his gf's profile pages to find out if they're still together. They are. Its nothing major, but he's been on my mind way too much lately, and in that sense, its breaking NC.

I started NC for me, to take back my own sense of self and to start working on who I am without my ex in my life. It was a rollercoaster of emotions, and I was ready to stand on solid ground. If you read my posts prior to this, you'll see that we've been broken up for almost 2 years, so I'm supposed to be ahead of more recent break ups in terms of how far along I am with everything. I'm not. I took a break from dating for a little while, just to focus more on myself, to work and hang out with friends without any stressors like a relationship. I do want a relationship eventually, but I'm not gonna lie, part of me looks at my ex having found someone he's been with for a little over 6 months and I wonder what I did wrong.

This is an odd situation, as his present gf works where I used to, is friends with my ex-co-workers/girls I was friends with, and I hear about them a lot. He talks to my dad on the train going into work, which is nice but its not like he used to go out of his way to talk with my family. It was a bit of a sore spot because I'm close with my family and I'd invite my ex for family dinners and whatnot but he couldn't commit to it. He'd always say, "its not like we're getting married or anything."

Part of me wonders...if the grass is greener for him. If maybe NC wasn't just about me separating myself from it and learning everything that I have about myself. If maybe it means we will never speak to each other again. I'm not even sure whats best. I know I could never talk to him now because when we used to talk, he'd bring up the gf just to bring her up, even the most generic conversations, shortly after he'd told me he didn't want a relationship. Again, better explained in previous posts. I WANT to better myself. I WANT to find the courage to take that next step and be in a new relationship, show that person and myself that I won't make the same mistakes.

But even with NC, I still have that pang thats gotten fainter whenever someone (my father, my friends, my best friends father who helped my ex get into his precinct he's in now, his sister whos one of my best friends long before I even knew him) talks about him, or says they don't think he treats his gf now any better than he treated me. It doesn't help, no matter how hard I try not to think about it, no matter how much I tell myself it wasn't all my fault, I can't seem to ever look back on it without blaming myself for why it didn't last. Or why it is he's with her, and not me.

You quoted me... but no response lol... wasn't sure if that was intentional or if you just forgot to write something?

I'm in a slump of sorts right now, and am having a hard time with the knowledge that it will soon be the one year mark of my ex and his current girlfriend. If you followed my previous threads, you'll understand the significance of that. I can't seem to shake the feeling that we only lasted 10 1/2 months officially, not including everything after that happened while we were no longer together, and they have almost hit 1 year. It makes me feel so many different emotions at once.

First of all, I haven't posted in awhile because things have been going really well for me. My job is great, I see my friends/family daily, I selected my courses for the upcoming semester, and I've been feeling great about myself. However, I've been keeping my eyes/mind open to meeting someone, looking past looks and being open to meeting new people, but I haven't. I've gotten over my ex as much as I can, I never talk about him, I don't write about him in my personal journal, and I don't ask any of our mutual friends about him like I used to.

How can I explain this without sounding self-degrading? Its been 6 months of NC, and I've yet to forgive myself for a lot of things that happened. I have a psychologist, we talk about issues as they come up and I always feel better when I've been able to really get to the root of a problem. Right now, I feel inferior to my exs girlfriend. I know that sounds absurd, but if she's with him longer than I was, doesn't that erase me in some part? Furthermore, while he may be immature, he couldn't commit to me yet has been with her almost longer than he was with me. I was reading a post by starscollide that talks about men being with girls similar to their exes... and that's how I feel. I feel like he went out and found someone so much like me, who's not me.

I go from wanting a boyfriend, to not wanting any part of it because I'm scared. I'm scared of being hurt the same way all over again, I'm scared to be put down and have some guy prove that my ex was right about all of the negative things he pointed out about me while we were in contact. This is about the one place left I can even discuss this situation, as talking about it with my closest friends will be a set back to any progress I've made in the last 6 months.

OK well first of all, no that doesn't erase you in any part. He can still have feelings for you regardless how long he's been with her. My x has been with someone longer then we were together and will confess that he still loves me more then he's ever loved anyone. But yeah, sounds like you've has a lot of progress getting over him. If you are strong enough to not ask questions about him to close friends then I'm sure you can get over the fact that he's with her longer then you . Maybe it wasn't meant to be. Or maybe its something you guys have to go through. But if its he case where he's found someone like you and is very much in love with her then he's very much in love with you too. If you guys are the same it would only make sense that he loves the both of you. But anyway. You seem like a strong perseon so I suggest you start seeing other people to help you get over him because your not completely over him. If you weree you wouldn't have posted this. If you do date though. I suggest you don't give your heart out so quick so that way you won't get hurt if it doesn't work out. Good luck with that!!

That's the thing, though. Part of the reason I stopped asking about him was because 1) I was making such great progress that I didn't want to set myself back and 2) mutual friends had confirmed that he wasn't treating her much better than he treated me. So it wasn't like he was so in love with her, which made me feel even worse because he could give up someone he's known for 3 years for someone he just met, and the fact that its not even something solid makes it that much worse.

Thank you for responding to my post, and for your kind words. I'm trying to get back into the dating scene, without much luck at this point. I'm hoping when school starts I can meet new people through activities/classes/or after school clubs. It gets harder as you get older I'm realizing, and I have questioned if this is something we have to go through. I think I've become a lot stronger in the last 6 months, I've learned a lot, and I'm still sticking to my resolve by keeping my distance. Its just days like today where you start feeling old feelings, or in my case, run into connections between you that make it hard not to think about someone who was once such a big part of your life.

HELP! I just recently created a Yahoo Personals profile to try something new and to try my luck, really. I was contacted by a very good looking guy close by my neighborhood who looked familiar. Upon seeing the link to his Facebook, I saw my ex had been one of the last to comment, which means... they're friends.

I have NEVER been the kind of girl to date a guy and then a friend, and I feel guilty enough that the guy even contacted me. We've never met, he just sent me a message via Yahoo personals asking to know more about me...

What's the right thing to do!?

Huno... if you're out there, it's the significant ex I've posted on here about so many times... THE ex... I just need to know how to reply to this guy's email without sounding like I'm being a b*tch about it.

Hello.

Its always better to be safe so don't contact him. It could be he likes you and doesn't know who you are but it could be a set up and they want to play head games. I don't know how you get along with your ex or if there is kids but to be safe let this one go.

Dennis777

Hello.

Its always better to be safe so don't contact him. It could be he likes you and doesn't know who you are but it could be a set up and they want to play head games. I don't know how you get along with your ex or if there is kids but to be safe let this one go.

Dennis777

No kids, I'm only 20... haven't talked to the ex in about 6 months. It's a very hard situation, and I never fully got over him. Its funny because of all the freakin guys on that site, this kid has to come up as the Top Match. I guess its better not to contact him, or reply to his message. My AIM sn is up there though, so I suppose if he IMs me I can simply explain that its better we not converse? I don't want to seem like a b*tch, but... he probably doesn't realize his friend was my first love. =/

Hello

It would be better if you don't chat with him, if you have to answer him you could tell him that he knows your ex and you don't feel it would be the right thing to do at this time. Don't tell him you haven't got over your ex or anything about your past. You don't want to open doors for head games.

Dennis777

Be straight with him and just tell him you can't mess with a friend of the ex, and leave him alone.

Well... talk about timing! First of all, I should be honest and point out that had I not seen my ex's Facebook, I never would have known they are acquainted. Second, I have it posted on there that I'm not just interested in potential dates that I would like to make some new friends with common interests, as well.

I would never mess with a friend's ex, but being friends with him I wouldn't be against. He goes to my college, likes the same music, enjoys the same activities. Part of the reason I'm having a moral debate with myself is that my ex dated a girl I was acquainted with after we broke up, and she stopped talking to me so I wouldn't find out. I'm not like that, I'm straight-forward and honest, but I'd have to admit I looked at my ex's profile... thats the problem as well.

And then the ex IM'ed me. 6+ months without contact and out of nowhere, he just IMs me wanting to know how I'm doing, talking about work and the latest CDs we've purchased for over an hour. HELP?

Well stop talking to the ex that's first.

As for his friend, if he never knew you I can't imagine he and your ex as best buddies. I've had ex boyfriends date girls I've known not close friends with and it never bothered me. It would only bug me if they chased after my best friends.

If you are only interested in being friends with this guy then I see no problem with it. If you guys have a bunch of stuff in common then why not hang out and become friends? You cannot let an ex's opinion control your life.

Well stop talking to the ex thats first.

As for his friend, if he never knew you I can't imagine he and your ex as best buddies. I've had ex boyfriends date girls I've known not close friends with and it never bothered me. It would only bug me if they chased after my best friends.

If you are only interested in being friends with this guy then I see no problem with it. If you guys have a bunch of stuff in common then why not hang out and become friends? You cannot let an ex's opinion control your life.

EXACTLY! Thank you, because that's what I was originally thinking.

As for not talking to the ex... I don't hate the guy, but he has a girlfriend... the same girlfriend he got with after everything that happened last summer. I have nothing against being civil, but his timing on this one was just... beyond bizarre. I've been online quite a few times even though I'm not on very often and he's never once IMed me. Then last night, boom! If its because things aren't going well with the girlfriend... I don't want to be the girl he talks to about it. There's entirely too much history between us, its just... hard. I was surprised he even asked how I'm doing because its been such a long time, and I didn't think I'd ever hear from him again. I was hurt, but I was in the acceptance phase that we'd probably never be on good terms.

I would tell him just that. Say look I don't mind being friendly but I'm not your dumping ground for the problems with your girlfriend. If you are having issues with her you need to talk to her about it not me. I'm not interested in getting involved and that's the end of that.

He hasn't started yet, but I've experienced those conversations with him in the past. He'll complain to me about how he can't get a decent girl, how no girls want him, and I stare at my computer screen thinking, "What the hell was I for a year?" but that's the taboo subject.

At this point, I've had so much time (6+ months) of NC... I'll just not sign online for awhile and collect my thoughts. You've read/replied to my previous posts, Glinda, and I've come a long way to turn around and go back to hanging on his every word. That and his girlfriend already came into my workplace once, didn't approach me, I acted like I didn't even know her, and that made me very uncomfortable. I have no intentions of being a cause of tension between them, though mutual friends say I already am. I'm not in that picture, hell I'm not even in the background of that picture. Until she's out of it completely... there's no grounds for conversation.. =/

And that's the right way to think. Good for you!

You are moving on with your life and I would get to know this guy who contacted you. What's the harm? There is nothing wrong with gaining one more friend and hey if something more comes from it great. I think you have a super healthy attitude.

and thats the right way to think. good for you!

you are moving on with your life and I would get to know this guy who contacted you. whats the harm? there is nothing wrong with gaining one more friend and hey if something more comes from it great. I think you have a super healthy attitude.

It took forever to get there... a combination of drilling all the lessons from this site and enotalone into my head, as well as my long-time psychologist who has always helped me see the other side to a situation.

My ex... when he got with his girlfriend, before they were serious, I told him I was still very much in love with him. Hell, at that point we'd been hanging out, casually hooking up for 6 months. Neither of us (to my knowledge) were seeing anyone else, and I thought we were going to reconcile. When I eventually brought up getting back together, he declined saying he'd never date the same person twice. I was confused because when we broke up he said he wasn't against us trying again and wouldn't shut the door on "us" because there was a lot that was good in our relationship. Another guy asked me on a date, because of my ex saying what he did I didn't see the harm in going on a date with another guy. My ex got jealous, then shoved his new girlfriend in my face. He was the one getting upset and jealous, AFTER HE was the one who said he didn't want to get back together? That's when I ended contact. He wanted us to keep talking, but he'd be cute with me, using our nicknames from when we were dating, I said that wasn't right for me or his girlfriend.

We stayed friends on Facebook... until I was trying to change my status to display nothing at all, and selected In a Relationship to make other guys back off because I took a long break from dating after that. I didn't realize my ex could still see my page, and at this point he'd been with his girlfriend for 3 months. After I changed mine, 2 days later he changed his from "Single" to "In a Relationship." Its like dealing with a middle school crush, a guy acting like he doesn't like you, but always teases you and whatnot. He used to send me lyrics, only fragments of a song, line by line, and they were all about the same thing: being in love with someone, trying to move on but you're still thinking of that "one", all these songs... I called him out on it and he said they were just songs, they didn't mean anything. Yet... he'd continue sending them... I still haven't a clue what I think about that... He's not an emotional guy, never has been, but I know I was one of the first people in his life to ever *and I quote* "treat him like a person." =/

I just... I need to keep my guard up because he's never sure of what he wants and I always pay for that in the end. I'll be damned if I haven't learned by now... Expect posts in the future if I hear from him again... and thank you for your imput as always, Glinda =)

1) Say: Small world - too small... sorry

2) Or just apologize that you are now... "dating" -- that would stop the trail

3) Date him and let your Ex deal with it...

4) damn the internet for even creating these situations in the first place

1) Say: Small world - too small....sorry

2) Or just apologize that you are now..."dating" -- that would stop the trail

3) Date him and let your Ex deal with it....

4) damn the internet for even creating these situations in the first place

The most I'd do is talk to him, get to know him as a friend... the problem is... and this is where it gets screwy... I only knew he knew my ex because my ex and I used to be friends on Facebook and I recognized the default pic... Now... you can't very well explain that to a guy "Hi, I remembered your pic from looking at my ex's profile" lol... =/

Hmmm, I think this sounds like too much internet... and incestuousness -
I'd just back away and tell him that you like to meet new people when you can,
But are occupied...

The guy sent me an e-mail opening the door for me to safely say, "Well, we have someone in common." by sending me a link to his myspace. One of his "top 8 friends" is my ex's best friend, who I've met so I can say, "Hey, I know of _____ too." If he asks how, I'll say, "I met him through a friend" if he asks which friend, I'll bring up my ex's name and hopefully, things will be all laid out right there. It sucks to finally be having a guy want to get to know me, only to learn... he's connected to my ex. =( Its even weirder to hear from my ex, but I have no intentions of initiating any communication with my ex. I did that last time, and it got me nowhere. This time, it has to come from him...

=/ Its just... sticky... Even still... I care about protecting my ex and his feelings, which is why I will be straight up with his friend... although... to look at the humor in the situation, I always told my ex I wanted to get to know his friends because they were an important component in his life. Guess he missed one!

Make sure you only proceed into a real relationship if you really think it's worth it.

Ew... I think it'd be too much drama, I will leave him along.
There are many guys out there, so try to talk to others. I suggest you meet guys in real life instead of on internet. It's up to you though.
Well, I haven't seen Huno for a while, the last I saw him, he was rambling about the mouse who cooks.:D

If you've followed any of my other threads, I'm in need of advice on this one! I went NC after my ex got into a new relationship because I still had feelings for him and it was too hard to go on acting like everything was fine. I spent those 6 months hanging out with my friends, working, enjoying the summer, and getting over my ex.

So a few nights ago I was online and he IMs me out of nowhere "" and I took a good 10 minutes before responding. He wanted to know how I was doing, but we stayed on the subject of music. He started talking about his new job, but I kept it as far away from personal lives as possible because I wasn't ready to start talking about those things yet. I don't know what my best course of action is... Its a complicated situation, and I haven't a clue what's better at this point.

I haven't been online since, mainly because I've been at work or out with friends, and the last time I saw him was right before his birthday. I didn't acknowledge with a card/text as many on here advise not to, and hearing from him now... I'm not sure how I feel about it.


**Example of songs he'd send last summer so we're all on the same page:

-You're Going to Make Me Lonesome When You Go-Bob Dylan
-Visions of Johanna-Bob Dylan
-Tangled Up in Blue-Bob Dylan
-Its Just Another Day-Paul McCartney
-Grace is Gone-Dave Matthews Band
-Everything Changes-Staind

I guess his new relationship has just broke up or he is uncertain about her and now he needs a reliable shoulder to talk to.

Don't be there for him.

Keep on your healing journey moving on.

Hi... I do agree with rol... or simply he want to find out how are you doing... what you did was right... even if you still love him and you want to go back to him... give it some time and do not accept him unless you are sure & he state frankly that he had broke up with his new girlfriend otherwise if you accept him back in this stage he will dump you soon because she is not sure what does he want...

You are strong... keep it up..

Take care,

Ms. Redrose

Before they were together, we were talking all the time/hooked up a few times/didn't just get together to hook up. We'd watch movies/TV, went out for coffee, would talk online...

We've been in each others lives for 3 yrs, dated 1 year tried staying friends for 2. I stopped talking to him when he got in a new relationship because at that point, he'd still use the nicknames we had while dating and if he was seeing someone new, I wasn't okay with being his friend. I wanted more, he said he didn't, I let him go. 6 months of focusing on myself, on work, on school, on friends.

I'm not sure what to do, and I don't feel comfortable bringing up the question "do you have a gf?" after not talking for 6 months. It feels intrusive... nor do I intend to be online because we live 2 blocks away, if he really wanted to talk about things he could walk over.

Okay... heres the update:

I talked to my ex's sister and she said he's not really friends with the guy from Yahoo, more like it was his best friends friend and that's how they met. Needless to say, we shared a laugh about how small a world it is and decided it was best for me to not pursue it at all. Moreover, she said her brother no longer talks to the guy, so that wouldn't be an issue but it was best to cut ties all together.

Then... the ex contacted me online, IM'ing me after 6 months of NC. Now... I don't know how I think/feel about that...

Just keep chugging online hun. He wants you to be his dumping ground and that is no longer a service offered by you, right?

Its not, but I don't hate him. We've been in each others lives for 3 years, it wasn't like we ever just... cut each other out. Its created a stir in my emotions, I guess and I don't want to admit that but it's the truth. I don't intend to go on until later this week because I'm only ever on every so often, but if he IMs me... I dread the part where I'm a b*tch and say, "I stopped talking to you b/c you had a gf and if thats still the case, I haven't changed my mind on that."

I know that to date I was the one girlfriend he looks back on and considers the one who treated him "like a person" but... unless he wants to make a legitimate effort to get back together, I don't want any part of it. However... saying that after 6 months looks like I haven't moved on and I'm still a puddle of emotions. I HAVE come a long way in those 6 months, and I don't know how to do this nicely. Being friends doesn't work, hooking up without commitment for me doesn't work, and he doesn't want to get back together. Acting like a couple without the title doesn't work for me either.. we've done all of those things in the past. I'm tired.

Which are all very good reasons to not talk to him. If he wants think that you are a witch then let him. You re doing what's best for you. You are the only one who matters. Too often women put others feelings before their own - that does not make anyone a witch it makes them someone who cares and loves themselves over others (which is the right thing to do). Its not about being selfish its about saying I love myself enough to know that this doesn't work and we don't work and I don't need to be pulled into someone else's drama.

I wanted him back for so long, legitimately, and this situation just ends up breaking my heart.

I want to ask you though... He didn't want to commit to me, though we were together a yr saying "I love you" was something he was never ready for. But she was his girlfriend right away. Granted, I don't know the state of that relationship, and I know he tried to get with me while with her, but... what does that say about me? I'm just a fall-back girl to the guy who told me after it didn't work out with another guy, "You're not a second choice." He calls her MY nickname for him, more or less recreates our relationship, and I don't understand it. He cared about me but not enough was what someone on the board once said, but what the hell does that mean? It hurts, that much I know. Its like saying I just wasn't good enough, and that doesn't shake off easily.

It means simply that. He didn't want those things with you. I know it hurts and it sucks but sometimes that's how it goes. I had an ex who did that to me too. He refused a commitment to me and we broke up. The next girl he was with he dated her for a month then committed to her. It floored me. Why people do what they do is never easy. What I can see now is that it wasn't meant to be with me and it was for him and her. Which is okay.

It sounds like this has been a hard relationship for you to get over. I was in a similar situation, in which an ex's friend, kept showing up at the places I was out. My solution was to avoid contact and communication. The reasoning, it was not necessary to bring up old emotions and pains anymore. So I agree just don't respond, there are so many other people in the world to be friends with and date. Good luck!

It means simply that. He didn't want those things with you. I know it hurts and it sucks but sometimes thats how it goes. I had an ex who did that to me too. He refused a commitment to me and we broke up. The next girl he was with he dated her for a month then committed to her. It floored me. Why people do what they do is never easy. What I can see now is that it wasn't meant to be with me and it was for him and her. Which is okay.

Yes and no. He committed to me in saying I was his girlfriend... but we dated for months before taking that step. Then, with her he said they were girlfriend and boyfriend within a month, but he doesn't treat her very well according to his sister =/

I can't say I agree he didn't want those things with me, I don't know.

Just because a relationship doesn't work out is no indication you are less than a good partner, it just he was not the one.

Don't ask him if he has a girlfriend.

Yes if he really wants to talk he can come over and see you.

Talk to him.. but don't let yourself get attached again he's prob looking to be friends.. he might even have realized that the girl wasn't for him and he missed having gyou and when you showed no interest in him he pursued it

talk to him .. but dont let yourself get attached again hes prob looking to be friends.. he might even have realized that the girl wasnt for him and he missed havin gyou and when you showed no intrest in him he pursued it

Its just hard because the girlfriend he had after me, after they broke up (were together a month) we got closer. He knew I still had feelings for him, we started hanging out again, talking online daily, eventually hooking up again after spending a few months just being friends again. If he's coming around again to see if I'd hook up with him, I'm not going to. Last summer was a learning experience, if nothing else. I learned I can't trust this guy with my heart because he's never sure what he wants.

If I start pursuing a new guy, he gets upset and starts acting like a jerk, yet he doesn't want to be with me either. I finally cut ties with him to give us both space, and to break the cycle of push-pull so he could figure out what he really wants.

I'm trying hard not to overthink it because after 6 months of NC, I'm proud of myself.

What do you want from this? That is what you should be asking yourself.

Do you really want to be friends? Do you want to be romantic with him again? After 6 months its possible to be friends again BUT BUT BUT not if he is detrimental to your dating life. If you think he will get mad about a guy or if he does get mad about other guys or if you feel mad or jealous about other girls no dice no dice no dice.

I did the same as you NC for 6 months. He calls me out of the blue and we become friends again. We lived a distance from one another so we just talked on the phone and we started talking about hanging out again. Then I got involved with someone else and I mentioned it to him and he got PISSED. I told him I don't think we can be friends anymore hung up and that was the last time we talked. Friendship is supposed to be completely platonic I don't want my relationship baggage involved or making me feel guilty for getting on with my life.

Think about all of these things before you get back in. You need boundaries with him and rule. Don't think its not necessary and hold him to it. My ex used to talk to me like he was still my boyfriend and I would go hey don't do that you know our rules if he continued I would tell him I already warned you if you are going to act like this I'm done with this conversation and would hang up. You have to set boundaries and stick to them.

You should be.. my ex boyfriend did the same thing he cheated on me this girl and tthen when she wasn't there for him he came back and when I started hookingup with other guys he turnd the tables around and made it seem like I didn't care about him and always accused me of doing something I wasn't yet he didn't want to be official.. those guys are bad news let the other girl have your left overs ;)

Continue on with the NC. Disregard any future attempts he make to contact you and do not respond. You'll only set yourself back otherwise.

I haven't heard from the ex since... I didn't let it stop my routine at all, started back at school again so I've been concentrating solely on that. I also didn't go online for about a week and a half after he IM'ed me, although now that I haven't heard from him, it of course makes me wonder if I'm ever going to again. He's a full time police officer in the city, so it was more a fluke that we were on at the same time when we did talk. Busy schedules and whatnot.

... edited to add: Hes online right now... and hasn't IMed me...

It's a weird feeling, one that I can't really put into words. Its like feeling okay with the way things are, feeling protected by not having heard from him again, but at the same time... I'm open to the lines of communication being opened again since it has been 6 months...

Thoughts?

Stay with no contact, and continue to heal and be happy, and let go of the false hope he has brought back to you. That's what it is, false hope, as he hasn't changed at all. Why go back to the misery you came here with after 6 months??

NC as said by all!

True enough... I guess it just brought it all back, you know? And it made me wonder... am I going to hear from him again?

Talaniman: How do I know he hasn't changed at all if I stay NC? Just a question I was wondering about...

I am pleased to say I started school again the beginning of this month and have been surrounded by new faces, intellectually stimulating classes, and I'm doing weekends for work. I know I've made a ton of progress, I guess part of me was just surprised to have heard from him at all...

Glad you had a "safe" encounter. A good way to defuse some old feelngs as you keep going forward.

And forward is the only way... to a new school and new adventures. Another NC survivor :-)

Exactly Ash... it was a safe encounter, but its also like... am I going to hear from him again?. Been there, done that, Clan...

Keep your guard up...

Exactly Ash...it was a safe encounter, but its also like...am I gonna hear from him again? ...

Ahem...

Dear Clandestine1... you are doing great... keep it up.. . No contact because you do not want him to play games with your heart and hurt you once again, you should be convinced with that and stop wondering if you are going to hear from him again or not... because this might make you get weak at a certain point and contact him after all what you have achieved….. DO NOT….Am so proud of you because you have strong will while I do not and I have paid a lot of my life, money, health , happiness for my love... DO NOT BE LIKE ME ….Keep it up...

Good Luck..

Ms. Redrose


True enough...I guess it just brought it all back, ya know? And it made me wonder...am I gonna hear from him again?

Talaniman: How do I know he hasn't changed at all if I stay NC? Just a question I was wondering about...

I am pleased to say I started school again the beginning of this month and have been surrounded by new faces, intellectually stimulating classes, and I'm doing weekends for work. I know I've made a ton of progress, I guess part of me was just surprised to have heard from him at all...

He's just looking for a booty call..

Originally Posted by clandestine1
True enough...I guess it just brought it all back, ya know? And it made me wonder...am I gonna hear from him again?

Talaniman: How do I know he hasn't changed at all if I stay NC? Just a question I was wondering about...


For a while you will hear from him, and as to has he changed? Not something you should be concerned with, it detracts focus on YOU, and what your doing for YOURSELF. There is no need to worry about him, and his motives, only yours, so get your healing, and leave his life alone, and as the confusion clears you will be glad you didn't slide back into his influence.

As of tomorrow, it will have been 2 years that we've been broken up. 2 weeks before my birthday, and after hearing from him for the first time in 6 months... it was nice.

I know I probably won't hear from him on my birthday, I know that he's still with the girl he got with right after we'd been hooking up, and I know that regardless of what everyone says I do still miss him. I'm not sure it ever does go away, that feeling of missing your first love. I've physically moved on, I've made out with other guys, gotten to know other guys, and yet I've never clicked with any other guy the way I did with my ex when we first met.

Now... he's with someone new, and I've heard from mutual friends that he doesn't exactly treat her like a princess so to speak, but she's head over heels for him. In part, I'm happy for him because that's what you want for someone you love: for them to be happy. But on the other hand.. its really hard to deal with, which is why I went NC and told him being just friends wasn't possible because it hurt too much to watch him be with someone else.

So now she's the one he talks to and complains to, but that used to be me. & I'm having a really hard time with tomorrow's significance and my upcoming birthday and just... hearing about their relationship from mutual friends... I just needed to post... it helps...

I'm just having a really rough night and its better to write it all out on here than to talk to friends... posting on this board helps, I just... I need anything. Encouragement, support, I don't even know what it is I'm looking for. I just feel pretty lost right about now. I've dated, I've met guy after guy, and knowing the ex is happy while I'm still alone just makes it worse. I feel like I will never have that, and I was positive and stayed optimistic and tonight I just don't feel anything at all except alone.

Happy Birthday... Well you are not alone... Yesterday was my birthday and I felt the same too... I know it hurts when you hear your ex is doing great and living his life while he ruins yours... Your problem is worse because you have common friends whom will keep on updating you with his news which does not give you break to forget about him... can not you stay away from them or do anything to avoid updating yourself with his news?? Neither your Ex nor mine deserve our love... I have wasted 9 years of my life after we broke up and the on & off thing and I end up alone yesterday because am unable to love anymore while he is enjoying his life... I think your Ex- is just like mine he contact you from time to time to find out if you are over him or not yet... they enjoy seeing us suffering I guess... do not do it to yourself... Buy yourself something WOW, plan something for yourself with family or close friends... do not stay alone and think...

Take care of yourself.

Ms. Redrose


As of tomorrow, it will have been 2 years that we've been broken up. 2 weeks before my birthday, and after hearing from him for the first time in 6 months...it was nice.

I know I probably won't hear from him on my birthday, I know that he's still with the girl he got with right after we'd been hooking up, and I know that regardless of what everyone says I do still miss him. I'm not sure it ever does go away, that feeling of missing your first love. I've physically moved on, I've made out with other guys, gotten to know other guys, and yet I've never clicked with any other guy the way I did with my ex when we first met.

Now...he's with someone new, and I've heard from mutual friends that he doesn't exactly treat her like a princess so to speak, but she's head over heels for him. In part, I'm happy for him because thats what you want for someone you love: for them to be happy. But on the other hand..its really hard to deal with, which is why I went NC and told him being just friends wasn't possible because it hurt too much to watch him be with someone else.

So now she's the one he talks to and complains to, but that used to be me. & I'm having a really hard time with tomorrow's significance and my upcoming birthday and just...hearing about their relationship from mutual friends...I just needed to post...it helps...

I'm just having a really rough night and its better to write it all out on here than to talk to friends....posting on this board helps, I just...I need anything. Encouragement, support, I don't even know what it is I'm looking for. I just feel pretty lost right about now. I've dated, I've met guy after guy, and knowing the ex is happy while I'm still alone just makes it worse. I feel like I will never have that, and I was positive and stayed optimistic and tonight I just don't feel anything at all except alone.

you quoted me...but no response lol...wasn't sure if that was intentional or if you just forgot to write something??

Sorry, I was in a rush that day and I forgot to write my own part. Sorry

Its been 2 months since I've heard from the ex, and I was fine with that. Then last night, we saw each other while out and he IMed me when he got home to talk. We talked online for well over two hours, easy enough when you're online anyway, and he basically said "she's cool" but their relationship lacks certain sexual aspects ours had. Which then led to "its not THAT serious" "its not like I'm living with her or plan on marrying her" and it's a sucky situation because I don't know what to say back to that. This is the 3rd time in their relationship he's sought me out, and the part that bothers me is he had PLENTY of time to decide if he wanted to try again. He chose to date someone new and I left the picture so we could both move on. Now I'm hearing their relationship isn't serious, that he and I are "friends", and one of my biggest fears is being realized.

Before I'd had time to myself to think clearly, I'd worry he'd find someone he felt strongly for, seeing as we were each others firsts. Eventually I came to terms with the reality of it and I told myself to be happy for him. To know he's happy and that even if its not me, he's found someone he really likes. He was the one shoving it in my face that it WAS serious when they first started dating...

The just friends line bothers me because he'll say he just likes me as a friend, but his actions say otherwise and he never fesses up to it. Just keeps hiding behind that, never ready to take that risk, and he's told me plenty of times "every girl since has just been there. I haven't felt that way since.." So its hard hearing its not that serious with them (from his POV) after 10 months, same amount of time we were together. I let him go so he could find what he wanted, so he could do his own thing & I could do mine...

What do I do?

He sounds incredibly selfish and two-faced to me. He is telling you he's not serious about her and he probably told her he wasn't serious about you. He's maybe not serious about anyone and definitely hasn't found himself. I think you are lucky he broke up with you. Hooray! Now avoid him like the plague because no matter what he says, you will eventually end up feeling bad because of it. He's toxic. Just be you and hang out with your friends, make some new friends. Try some new things. Enjoy life. One day you will meet a nice person who will appreciate you. Or that's what I think anyway.
Good luck,
Asking

I agree with asking. This guy wants to toy with you a little. He sounds insecure so he wants attention from women. Let it go, and leave him be. You will find a MUCH better guy.

p.s. Us good guys are still out there, girls just never seem to look for us.

I would ignore him he's playing games with you by the sounds of it - don't be his friend he doesn't deserve you and you don't deserve having his new relationships shoved in your face - shows what a selfish uncaring person he is! Leave well alone and concentrate on you and the lucky man of your future! :)

My initial thought is... although we were flirtatious and reminisced about it, I still have the upper hand. If he keeps coming back because he wants something that I won't give him... I can blow it off and continue what I've been doing, NC mainly. "Build up the attraction, then pull away." The facts are in front of me: He'd cheat on his girlfriend, he wants sexual needs met and thinks he can get that from me, and no matter how much time goes by he'll show up again more persistent each time. So let him stay with her, I can walk away knowing what I'm dealing with.

Part of me just misses our friendship. Sure, hooking up with him is fun and it feels good to just lay on his couch together after, he's never treated me like a w*ore in that sense. But mostly I just miss talking to him, knowing what's going on in his life, hanging out and just having fun together. Part of the problem is with us, its always one or the other. In a relationship, we didn't want to have too much sexual interaction because we both agreed it should be based on much more than that. Well, over time it felt more like we were just friends. The whole time we dated, we were both too shy to make the first move, never initiated anything, and after we broke up we talked about how neither of us was sure how to. Once we started hanging out again as just friends and became comfortable with each other again, the hooking up part just happened one night after seeing a movie. Since we'd both had other experiences, making the first move and having that wasn't so hard anymore.

I know myself well enough to know I wouldn't do anything with him while he has a girlfriend. But I miss our friendship... and that makes this hard, too.

The next time we talk should I say that I don't think us hooking up is a good idea, considering we left off with the basic impression that we would hook up? I want it to be understood by anyone reading this that I don't sleep around, I've kissed exactly 4 guys in my life, and I'm at a point where I'd be ready to start playing the field, as you said. But there's a good chance he'll be annoyed once I say I don't want to hook up with him after saying we could... Because he's the one who'd bring it up... I'd say something along the lines of:

"If we were to hook up when you're single, our friendship would be all about that, and I'd rather have a friendship with you than anything else. Part of why we've stayed in each others lives this long is because we're both, for the most part, good people. I care about you, and you've said you care about me too so why not focus on being just friends legitimately instead of anything else?"

As friends, we get along and things are fine. Its only been when we start hooking up that we go back to the push-pull and confusing mixed signals and I start falling for him again. I just don't want him to be mad at me for it, either and think I'm crazy because I changed my mind.

He sounds like a PLAYER!

You are a good person and remember that! And keep telling yourself this.

People are Ex's for a raison and this is something that we push out of our minds when we start looking at things with rose tinted glasses. We get scared of being alone and sometimes we miss the special times we had with that person, but then we also need to think about the times that we cryed and where hurt deep too, and that's why there no longer in our lives in the same way.

Hi Clandestine,
I've lost track of what your question is. It still sounds to me like this guy confuses you and isn't good for you. He doesn't sound straight forward or honorable. I think you should focus on developing other friendships and stop thinking about him. He has a girlfriend. Personally, if I were his girlfriend, I would not like to have him lying around on a couch talking to someone else for long periods, trying to decide if it's a sexual relationship or not or could be or should be, even if they weren't actually having sex. I would invoke the golden rule here, do onto others as you would have them do onto you. I gather you are still pretty young and he's your only serious relationship. Don't move backwards to him, even if you are trying to persuade yourself it's just as friends. Move forward and find some new friends, preferably ones who don't tie you in knots.
Good luck!
Asking

Hi Clandestine,
I've lost track of what your question is. It still sounds to me like this guy confuses you and isn't good for you. He doesn't sound straight forward or honorable. I think you should focus on developing other friendships and stop thinking about him. He has a girlfriend. Personally, if I were his girlfriend, I would not like to have him lying around on a couch talking to someone else for long periods, trying to decide if it's a sexual relationship or not or could be or should be, even if they weren't actually having sex. I would invoke the golden rule here, do onto others as you would have them do onto you. I gather you are still pretty young and he's your only serious relationship. Don't move backwards to him, even if you are trying to persuade yourself it's just as friends. Move forward and find some new friends, preferably ones who don't tie you in knots.
Good luck!
Asking

Exactly - don't waste your time - move on and upwards, remove the confusion - HIM! Go off and be happy and leave the waster in the dirt! :)

After 6 months of NC, my ex, *Colin made contact. We had a brief conversation online and then, I made sure to stay offline and go about my life the way I had been. 2 months later, I ended up staying later than I was supposed to at work and on the way home ended up passing Colin and his friend as they were walking down the block. They hadn't seen me so I pretended I didn't see them and drove by. When I got home, Colin IM'ed me shortly after to say he saw me drive by. Again, we were talking for a bit and re-added each other back on Facebook. His relationship status still reads "In a Relationship" but I'd come to terms with that in the 6 months we hadn't spoken.

The conversation became more flirty, and we left it at that. A few nights later, we talk online again, but nothing major. I stayed offline for about a week and received a text early one morning when Colin got home from work. We text back and forth a few times, leave it at that. I decide to text him to see if he'd like to go for lunch, as he's made all the contact thus far, and get no reply. Turns out, he was sleeping because he does graveyard shifts in the city as a cop. He calls early the next morning to apologize for getting back to me so late and we talk on the phone for an hour, just catching up. He invited me over and we're hanging out, and he's poking me in the stomach, complimenting that I've been working out, wants to see my belly-button ring, etc.

So we were upstairs in his room where the video game console is and he says, "Please, sit." I sit on his bed and he lays his head down on my lap, poking me, being cute like he used to when we were still together. We played Guitar Hero III, talked, joked around, and had a great time. Except.. he has a girlfriend. While we were hanging out, I didn't feel all of the emotions I thought I would feel, it just felt like hanging out with a friend. I also know I'm pretty guarded where he's concerned because of how badly he's hurt me in the past. He pointed out that he still has the framed star certificate I had named after him hanging on his wall, and when we were talking about his girlfriend, he said, "Its not that serious." I didn't ask too many questions, I let him say anything on his own for the most part. I asked if they said I love you, as they've been together a year and he said, "She does, I don't say it back though." Not surprising, he's never been able to say it to anyone. He said she's cool, but it annoys him sometimes because she'll say she likes a certain type of music but when he asks if she knows what it is, she doesn't know. "Don't tell me you like something if you don't even know what it is." He was saying what I already knew, they see each other about once a week.

So after hanging out all afternoon, he walked me downstairs and hugged me goodbye. It was the most fun I've had with him in a really long time, and I've really missed spending time with him. He said that he just feels "desensitized" to everything, and I think part of that comes from being a cop. He's always felt like he can talk to me about anything, and that's true he can, but I got so used to to the fact that we would probably never speak again that this is kind of surreal. I want to be there for him, but I'm not sure how to be or where I fit in anymore. I know I still have feelings for him, but I'm a lot more guarded now than I was back then, and I'm just scared to let him in.

Advice?

I would say to still be guarded, and don't be too available for him. He's probably seeing that this new girl isn't working out, and is checking to see how secure he is in getting you back, at his command or whenever he chooses.

You have to keep him on his toes. Don't play games, but still, keep a little bit of distance until he makes it more clear about what he wants.

Good luck.

Pretty much what ended up coming out... he doesn't feel guilty for hanging out with me because "he's not married and isn't living with her" and since its "not that serious" he should be allowed to do what he wants with other girls... And because of those reasons, he wouldn't feel bad about cheating on her... and we did end up messing around, everything but sex.

To me, that speaks a ton of his character. You don't really know how serious he is with her, he could be lying to you. Just remember that if he is willing to cheat on the girl he has now, what's to stop him from doing it later if you started dating again? Food for thought. You know him better than we do.

Pretty much what ended up coming out...he doesn't feel guilty for hanging out with me because "he's not married and isn't living with her" and since its "not that serious" he should be allowed to do what he wants with other girls...And because of those reasons, he wouldn't feel bad about cheating on her...and we did end up messing around, everything but sex.

Whoah. Okay, this guy is not worth you or her. If he can't take his actual girlfriend that seriously, what makes you think you're being taken seriously?

Do you understand what I'm saying? If she's something to be cheated on in his book, then, even though he won't admit it, he probably feels that you're not worth that much either.

Show him how much you are worth by not giving him the time of day. Trust that this guy is never going to be happy and is never going to make anyone happy.

Leave him to burry himself under his own house of cards.

You don't have to be scared of him. He's doing just fine; a girlfriend and slowly working on a back-up just for the times when he needs a change of scenery.

I don't know your age but will assume you've had other relationships and probably learned more about yourself and others than you could have imagined. Did you learn about trusting your instincts? Have you learned that it's close to impossible for anyone to change another adults behavior? You do know that change comes to those who have clearly accepted the fact that change is vital not for others but for themselves. Has such a change miraculously transformed this person into the likeness of what you had always hoped for in such a short time?

There are times when we must make choices and hopefully you'll choose from your heart and mind. Please remember; until you make a choice in this mater you should be scared of yourself. Be very smart and fearless.

I'm scared because he used to say that he was all I could get and that in the 2 years we've been broken up, no ones ever treated me the way he used to. What if he really is the best I can get?

I'm scared because he used to say that he was all I could get and that in the 2 years we've been broken up, no ones ever treated me the way he used to. What if he really is the best I can get?


Hold on a second. Has he even met 0.0001 percent of the men on this planet? No!

Have you? No!

So how could you possibly know, or let him make you question, that this dog sh&t is the best you can do?

See, what he's saying just proves that he will be miserable for the rest of his life. You know why? Because this man actually thinks of himself "as the best" a girl can get. This means he either does not have the "ability" to change, or even worse, he doesn't have the "will"!

It won't take much to prove this sorry loser wrong. Leave him, because you have to run to the gym, you have to read something new, you made those plans with your best girl, you're going on that trip, and you're doing all the things that make your life richer and healthier.

It's time to concentrate on you and to take care of you. Being around someone who is dishonest, a cheater, and thinks he is worth more than you, is unhealthy for your spirit.

I ran into my ex, as tends to happen since we live so close by each other. We ended up having a very honest conversation about where things stood in our lives and I need to write it out. All of it. We were talking about his current girlfriend and how they've been together for almost 2 years, and yet he's cheated on her repeatedly. His logic is if you're not living together and you're not married, its okay. So I end up asking if he's in love with her because in my eyes, if you're in love with someone you don't cheat on them. He said to me, "I've said the L word, if thats what you mean. I'm not like, head over heels or anything. I'm just really confused right now." That was the ONE thing he could never say, and he used to tell me all the time, "Its not just you, I've never said it to anyone, I don't think I'll ever be able to say it." He continues by saying, "When I said it, I meant it, but...I dunno if its gonna work out." So my heart, my stupid heart that no longer flutters around this guy, is wondering, "Why her?" and I actually said that aloud. He asked, "Why her as opposed to...you?" and I was honest and said yes. So he said "Because I don't think we work well together in a relationship, but...I dunno. Luckily I can still talk to you." =/

Then he goes on to say he doesn't think it'll end up working out because he's Catholic and she's Jewish and this is NOT meant to offend anyone but merely to explain his commentary. He said, "I can see it not working out because she'd give me a hard time about the kids thing. Because she's Jewish her kids have to be, and I am NOT allowing that. She thinks that they should be Jewish because she is and its like, What I don't even get a say?! And thats like saying you're entitled to get your way and you don't need a reason because you're Jewish. Its such a Jew thing to say." Uh... yeah.

But you love her. And honestly, I didn't feel any feelings towards him like I used to. I haven't in a really long time I'm realizing, but... at the same time, its still heartbreaking to hear how he doesn't think we went well together. Why? Because I wanted to TALK about issues and I wanted to TALK about feelings/emotions and where we stood. I stood up for myself when I wasn't being treated with respect. So that's why I'm just good as a friend because I'm still nice, he can still talk to me/hang out with me, but... as a girlfriend I didn't give in and I didn't let him walk all over me.

So no, I don't think they realize what they lost. I don't think my ex will ever look back and think I was anything special. I don't think years later we'll be meant for each other. And I'm in this negative state right now... so please, be kind, comment away, and please ease this aching in my heart. Its not even about feelings for him, its more about how he just never wanted me back. Ever.

He's a self centered cheater! And you were lucky to get rid of him 2 years ago. Why are you wasting your time trying to figure him out? Next time say hi and keep going. I feel sorry for his current girlfriend.

Its not even about feelings for him, its more about how he just never wanted me back. Ever.
From the way he sounds, you got the bargain in this deal. Know that, and don't even worry about the rest.

So no, I don't think they realize what they lost. I don't think my ex will ever look back and think I was anything special.

You know what, you should hope he doesn't realise what he has lost because if he does and decides to return you are the only one who will suffer.
From the way he is talking about the person, he supposedly loves, behind her back one can tell he only cares about himself. And chances are that he will never work well in a relationship because he is too involved with himself. It takes two for a relationship to work out so I suggest you leave all this behind and find someone who will appreciate you for what you are.

Know your worth.

That was a great conversation you had with your ex. Why? Here's what you've established:

1 - He's a liar. When he said he couldn't tell you he loved because it's not something he could tell anyone, he wasn't being honest with you about how he truly felt about you.

2 - He's a cheater. That's a personality flaw, it's not because he's with that particular girl, it's because he's a cheater. If you're not living with someone it doesn't count as cheating? What? I hope for your sake you were living with him when you were together otherwise you have a pretty good idea of what he was doing while dating you.

3 - He's self-centered. The whole conversation pretty well proves that.

4 - He uses people. Again, many aspects of the conversation suggest that.

The good part is that the odds that the next guy you meet will be worse are pretty slim. The cheating part alone should be enough for you to feel relieved things ended with him.

If she learned anything, its be more careful with her choice of partners.

He doesn't give much of himself in relationships but selfishly takes all he can get.

What he learned from you was not to be a better partner but how to fake it better. So now instead of having talks with her about why he's not saying the "L" word, he'll pop up with it, knowing she is under the impression it means the same thing to her that it does to him. When in fact, to him it means I can take up your time & devotion while I'll screw anything I can as long as I can without any problems, then I'll dump you too. He can say it, but still can't act loving & still has no idea what that really means in a good unselfish honest committed way.

He has some serious deep rooted problems he refuses to acknowledge much less deal with. He's not talking to you about how & why he screwed up your relationship (which obviously meant a lot to you) or the one he's in now. He's telling you how he's using her & isn't ashamed of that or guity for how he treated you. He's learned nothing & doesn't intend to, his method of madness is still working for him (which it won't as he gets older & his tricks aren't as effective).

He loves no one, not even himself but doesn't realize that he's not only mistreating his partners but himself, it's a very sad way to be & live. Maybe some more maturity will eventually land in his heart & mind, but I wouldn't be holding my breath for it to happen at all or any time soon. You'd have better odds winning the lottery & get a better payoff from that.

If you have learned nothing else, you can at least know that it's definitely not you, it's him that still has a very long road to go before being with him will be a remotely good thing. It hurts like hell when someone we care about is so self destructive & selfish, but there's nothing you can do about it but be grateful you didn't waste more of your precious time with such a screwed up person trying to get them to see the truth, much less live better.

It's like arguing with a parking meter. It's not going to change the parking meter, only make you feel worse & look stupid. He's a parking meter & chump change in the game of life.

This guy is not someone you want to spend your life with, his conversations and his behavior really reflect what kind of peron he is = BAD. Don't even think of feeling bad because he didn't regret not being with you as he is in my eyes a lowlife idiot. Just the fact that you cheat on someone is enough for me to thank god I am no longer with that person.

I thank you all for your response... I've been taking a lot of time to figure out what it is that keeps me wanting to even associate with this miserable excuse for a human being. If I may share my ramblings with the rest of you, considering you all seem to have better insight into things from the outside than I do from within...

Betrayal you hit it on the head when you said he's not talking to her about these things, and I think that's why every few months he contacts me because I see now I'm the emotional crutch. She's the once-a-week girlfriend who he has this superficial sham of a relationship with, and I really DO feel for this girl. I could have BEEN her.

I saw changes in him the last 2 months of our relationship 3 yrs ago. He became completely shut down and angry all the time, and he stopped opening up. He started doing things out of malice, and at least had the guts to tell me he wanted to date around and that I wasn't someone he'd cheat on. It's been a slow decline I've watched happen ever since. I broke it off, he started hooking up with other girls, we stayed close as friends, and when we seemed to get too close he'd push me away.

He admitted to me before ever dating this girl that we work as friends but that he knows he can't have an actual relationship because all he thinks about is himself. That he knows I deserve to be with someone who can say I love you and means it and can give me everything he knows he can't. Shortly after he met his current girlfriend and we lost contact.

Emotionally this drains me because when we broke up I wasn't over him and its been a roller coaster ever since. He'll have other gfs, the girls (every single one since me) fall in love with him, he sticks around without ever committing or opening up.

He'll list my attributes, stating he knows I'm a good person, that I'm always there for him, that he cares about me... yet has always pushed me away or hurt me to keep me at a distance safe enough for his liking. It doesn't help that in the last year he became a police officer in NYPD and no surprise, isn't satisfied with this path. He now wants to become FDNY.

Its hard for me because I get far enough away from him to be okay on my own two feet and he knows me well enough to get inside my head. This girl is just as worth it as I am, I don't hold it against her that she stays with him, but I can't understand is what happened to him.

I can't say I feel responsible, I know this goes far beyond me, but when we were together he actually opened up to me and told me things that he's never shared with anyone. But again, intimacy and us getting closer always seemed to have an opposite effect on him than it does on most people. Its like he let his guard down and then hated me for making him feel anything at all. So I'm the friend, or emotional crutch or whatever, who watches him go through these relationships, one foot outside the door. And when they're gone he comes back, starts to get close, then pulls away. Over and over and over.

My head and my heart can never get right with this.

Its like he let his guard down and then hated me for making him feel anything at all.

That's not an unusual dynamic, but not a good one to have to deal with. And very hurtful for you obviously.

So my questions to you is why are you willing to be there for him when it's causing you so much anguish? Are you hoping he will come to his senses so you two can be together again? Have you put your life on hold for him or still just struggling to get past what happened?

That's not an unusual dynamic, but not a good one to have to deal with. And very hurtful for you obviously.

So my questions to you is why are you willing to be there for him when it's causing you so much anguish? Are you hoping he will come to his senses so you two can be together again? Have you put your life on hold for him or still just struggling to get past what happened?

If I'm entirely honest... I'm in love with the guy he was when we were together.What I "hope" is that if I'm completely out of his life (I deleted him on Facebook, blocked him on AIM, deleted his cell, have gotten rid of all traces of his memory etc), when he matures he will see that we DID have a good relationship and that we can get to know each other again as adults.

Part of me is completely shattered that someone I loved so much almost has "no use" for me in his life anymore, except when its convenient. I can't come to grips with how being in these "easy" relationships is better than something deep and real? The completely irrational side of me wonders if I should be more like the girls he chooses the date: low self-esteem, willing to keep my mouth shut and do what he wants all the time, but I can't abandon my identity for a relationship. That's not REAL.

It's a catch 22... I'm the friend he can confide in and openly admits that I'm a great person, he can talk to me when he needs to, still attracted to me, still grateful that I care about him after all these years and yet... we don't "work" as a couple. But being in relationships where you can cheat, lie, and walk all over someone is a working relationship? I feel dysfunctional, like there's something wrong with me that after everything, this guy you all describe as being an SOB (rightfully so) doesn't want ME back. If someone like that doesn't even want you... doesn't that say something about your character? I don't get remembered as the great girlfriend, I get remembered as the girl who it didn't "work" with and it kills me inside to know I wasn't even worth loving in his eyes. That makes NO sense to me :(

I can't come to grips with how being in these "easy" relationships is better than something deep and real?

Of course you can't any more than he can understand why the opposite is true for you. You are mature & loving enough to know what the true benefits of a mutually truly deep loving relationship are, he doesn't & hasn't up to now. It feels scary to him, makes him want to run in the opposite direction. As you can see by the choice of sticking to the playmates he's toying with.

Here's some food for thought in these Ann Rand quotes:

"Love is the expression of one's values, the greatest reward you can earn for the moral qualities you have achieved in your character & person, the emotional price paid by one man for the joy he receives from the virtues of another."

Francisco's Sex Speech:
[Some people] think that sex is a physical capacity which functions independently of one's mind, choice, or code of values. They think that your body creates a desire & makes a choice for you -- just about in some such way as if iron ore transformed itself into railroad rails of its own volition. Love is blind, they say; sex is impervious to reason & mocks the power of all philosophers.

But, in fact, a man's sexual choice is the result & the sum of his fundamental convictions. Tell me what a man finds sexually attractive & I will tell you his entire philosophy of life. Show me the woman he sleeps with & I will tell you his valuation of himself. No matter what corruption he's taught about the virtue of selflessness, sex is the most profoundly selfish of all acts, an act which he cannot perform for any motive but his own enjoyment -- just try to think of performing it as an act of selfless charity! -- an act which is not possible in self-abasement, only in self-exaltation, only in the confidence of being desired & being worthy of desire. It is an act that forces him to stand naked in spirit, as well as in body, & to accept his real ego as his standard of value.

He will always be attracted to the woman who reflects his deepest vision of himself, the woman whose surrender permits him to experience -- or to fake -- a sense of self-esteem. The man who is proudly certain of his own value will want the highest type of woman he can find, the woman he admires, the strongest, the hardest to conquer, because only the possession of a heroine will give him the sense of an achievement, not the possession of a brainless slut.

He does not seek to gain his value, but to express it. There is no conflict between the standards of his mind & the desires of his body...

I ran into my ex, as tends to happen since we live so close by each other. We ended up having a very honest conversation about where things stood in our lives and I need to write it out. All of it. We were talking about his current girlfriend and how they've been together for almost 2 years, and yet he's cheated on her repeatedly. His logic is if you're not living together and you're not married, its okay. So I end up asking if he's in love with her because in my eyes, if you're in love with someone you don't cheat on them. He said to me, "I've said the L word, if thats what you mean. I'm not like, head over heels or anything. I'm just really confused right now." That was the ONE thing he could never say, and he used to tell me all the time, "Its not just you, I've never said it to anyone, I don't think I'll ever be able to say it." He continues by saying, "When I said it, I meant it, but...I dunno if its gonna work out." So my heart, my stupid heart that no longer flutters around this guy, is wondering, "Why her?" and I actually said that aloud. He asked, "Why her as opposed to...you?" and I was honest and said yes. So he said "Because I don't think we work well together in a relationship, but...I dunno. Luckily I can still talk to you." =/

Then he goes on to say he doesn't think it'll end up working out because he's Catholic and she's Jewish and this is NOT meant to offend anyone but merely to explain his commentary. He said, "I can see it not working out because she'd give me a hard time about the kids thing. Because she's Jewish her kids have to be, and I am NOT allowing that. She thinks that they should be Jewish because she is and its like, What I don't even get a say?! And thats like saying you're entitled to get your way and you don't need a reason because you're Jewish. Its such a Jew thing to say." Uh....yeah.

But you love her. And honestly, I didn't feel any feelings towards him like I used to. I haven't in a really long time I'm realizing, but...at the same time, its still heartbreaking to hear how he doesn't think we went well together. Why? Because I wanted to TALK about issues and I wanted to TALK about feelings/emotions and where we stood. I stood up for myself when I wasn't being treated with respect. So thats why I'm just good as a friend because I'm still nice, he can still talk to me/hang out with me, but...as a gf I didn't give in and I didn't let him walk all over me.

So no, I don't think they realize what they lost. I don't think my ex will ever look back and think I was anything special. I don't think years later we'll be meant for each other. And I'm in this negative state right now...so please, be kind, comment away, and please ease this aching in my heart. Its not even about feelings for him, its more about how he just never wanted me back. Ever.

All he cares for is himself, he cares for nothing else, he's a jerk that probably hurts everygirl he meets. Luckily you and him aren't still together right now because if you heard that info. Coming from one of your friends they heard him say how would you feel? I bet there's billion's of guys who could have treated you much better.

To help myself figure out where I went wrong, I'm going to break this down. Things I'd bring up to Colin/issues that came up/problems in the relationship:

1) Flirting with other girls in front of me. If you're going to do it, at least do it when I'm not five feet away.. and not in front of my friends where you disrespect me and make me look like a fool.
2) Bringing up his ex & making me pay for how she made him feel by second-guessing every intention I had since she'd "hold things over him." This one just hurt more than anything because I was constantly on eggshells.
3) Giving my interests a chance, at least once in awhile.
4) Putting down my friends/family when he'd do so
5) Paying once in awhile because if I didn't pay, we didn't go out =/
6) Talking to me instead of bottling everything inside... what ultimately ended us. He waits until after we're on the verge of breaking up or broken up to tell me how much he cares about me, how much he wants for us, how I'm worth trying again with... everything that I'd waited 10 1/2 months to hear, he waits to say until we're no longer together.
7) If you're not comfortable having sex, for any reason, don't put me down or criticize my body when I'm working out 4X a week and am nowhere near overweight KNOWING I have a history of anorexia/put me down for not having big enough breasts.
Not wanting to watch any movies I wanted to, not wanting to learn more about my music, not wanting to learn about me as a person.
9) If a girl does something nice for you just for the sake of showing she cares, don't look at her and say, "What were you expecting to get out of this?"
10) Don't tell me you think I could find some guy that I'm crazy about because it hurts to know no matter how much I love you, no matter how much I try to show you I care, you still think I don't want you. =(
11) Accuse me of always having an agenda. Down to the way I take a sip of your drink because my expression "looks rehearsed."
12) Say that I fight with you for no reason, when all I'm doing is expressing my feelings without so much as raising my voice and when I say "If you did something wrong, so did I. Its 50/50."
13) When I tell you to make more of an effort with your friends, but when we break up you tell everyone we worked with that I never gave you space to hang out with them. I ALWAYS said friends come first, and you complained that they went home at midnight so you'd prefer hanging out with me instead. But yet... I kept you from going out. Okay...
14) What did I do wrong? I thought too much because I'm an analytical person, and when I tried to talk about my feelings and tried to say what I felt about our relationship, you don't want to hear it and push me away. Then go on to say we don't work because you want to be with a girl who doesn't talk about serious things, who you can play video games with and talk about "sh*t that doesn't matter."

And for all of these reasons... he doesn't want me back... it really was him...

Yes, it really was, and now your free.