I have a three year old, I am to be married Saturday, July 7, 2007. My soon to be husband wants to adopt my son. My sons father lives in MD and I live in FL, he does pay child support (court ordered) and because he is in the reserves they require him to. For the three years my son has been in my life his father has had very limited visitation, he moved to MD to be with his new wife and her family and now only wants to see my son one week every 4 or 5 months. This is very damaging to my son, I am made to feel like I have to force him to go with this man who is a stranger to my son. After a few days my son becomes depressed and cries not at all his normal self. When his father calls every few days, my son refuses to talk to him, crying and screaming running into a different room. My soon to be husband is the only man my son knows as daddy, not for lack of trying. We spent a long time trying to get him to understand that this was "Jon" not daddy, but how to do explain to a three year old that the man he sees every day is not daddy.

Do I have a case, or a possibility of doing something about this? Or do the courts care that the relationship with his true father is only damaging my son emotional status?? Please help with whatever advice you have... thanks!

Is his father willing to voluntarily relinquish his rights? If so, that would make everything easier. Without evidence of abuse, neglect or abandonment, chances getting his rights terminated involuntarily are quite slim.

No he wouldn't be willing to relinquish his rights, though I have never asked. He has a better then everyone else attitude, and thinks he is a perfect father just because he pays child support every month. But doesn't realize how his behavior affects my son.

If he doesn't consent to relinquishing his rights, the burden will be on you to prove his rights should be terminated. That can be very difficult to prove.

Everything I am telling you is from New Jersey law. There might be differences in your state. I would suspect that the law would be similar on this issue, but I cannot promise that.

If he objects to the adoption, the conduct of that parent with respect to his parental duties will have to be evaluated to determine whether the stepparent-plaintiff will be able to establish by clear and convincing evidence that the natural father has intentionally abandoned the child or very substantially neglected his or her parental duties with no reasonable expectation of reversal of that conduct in the future.

The threshold issue is whether the natural parent has intentionally abandoned the child or very substantially neglected partental duties without reasonable expectation of reversal of that conduct in the future. Without first determining that the conduct of the natural parent warrents termination under this standard, the court will not reach the issue of whether the proposed adoption is in the best interests of the child.

It is very difficult to sustain this burden of proof. The court will act with great circumspection and caution when one parent does not consent to a proposed adoption.

In an action for adoption by a stepparent in which the evidence fails to support a termination of the natural parent's rights but demonstrates a lack of relationship between the natural parent and the child and a reluctance on the part of the child to visit with the natural parent, the court may require that all parties concerned participate in supervised mediation and counseling services with the goal of ultimately enabling the natural parent to visit with the child in a dignified manner.

Millions of kids become accustomed to parent/stepparent relationships, and the court is likely view your son's reactions as his just being 3 and not traumatic enough to consider as grounds for termination. Unless he has special needs he will learn to adjust as he gets older.

No reason he can't call your husband Daddy or for their relationship to be any different than a father/son, he simply has another Dad as well that he visits sometimes.

His father told me that if he ever heard my son calling another man daddy he would kill him. So that brings up a bit of worry in my mind.

His father told me that if he ever heard my son calling another man daddy he would kill him. So that brings up a bit of worry in my mind.

Is he the type of person for which this threat would ring true (for most people this would just be an empty, meaningless phrase meaning "I would be angry")? If so, do you have evidence of a history of violence, domestic or otherwise? THAT might give you something to use against him in court.

He has no history of violence, empty threat I do not know. I just don't want to keep forcing my son to talk to this man every few days when he calls, or when he decides he wants to see my son forcing my son to get on a plane for a week week and a half. The last time I made him go, he got so upset he thew up in the airport because he refused to go. I just had to walk away, is that fair to a 3 year old to be forced to go with a stranger?

I have called a few attorney's and I keep getting a run around, no one wants to deal with custody cases "because they are to difficult"

You would be better to try for different visitation arrangements instead of termination of rights. Given his age and reactions, perhaps you can ask to accompany him, or meet someplace, or have him visit in your home? You would probably need to get testimony of a child psychologist or something to even get that, though. It's going to be messy.

I am surprised that family law attorneys are turning you down seeing as how that's the specialty they have chosen.

I was told that there is a difference between family law and custodial / visitation attorneys. I told his father that I was going to request that his visitation be here in Florida not up in Maryland, do to my sons age and the emotional distress it was causing. He proceeded to tell me that if I wasn't aloud to do that, even though we don't have set visitation.

The reason that family law attorneys are turning her down might be because they have enough information to know this is a losing case in terms of the step parent adoption.

I'm a family law attorney, and I am doing a step parent adoption right now, actually.

There is a lot you need to discuss with a client before moving forward with this type of action. Sometimes it is better not to try and force this type of adoption when it probably won't work.

There are often consequences as a result of an unsuccessful action for adoption. In addition to seeking to prevent the proposed adoption, a non-consenting parent will generally request that an order be entered for visitation. It is appropriate for the court to enter an order regarding custody, guardianship and visitation at the conclusion of an unsuccessful action by a stepparent for adoption. Absent serious wrongdoing or unfitness, the right of visitation is strong and compelling. The court may be inclined to give the natural father more visitation time with the child in order to help develop their relationship. Commencing this action might wake up a natural parent that has been more compromising of their rights to time with the child.

The process can be expensive and emotionally damaging to the people involved. It might be in your best interests not to pursue this if you can't prove his rights should be terminated.

Alkaline, what about a change in visitation agreement?

So am I supposed to just keep allowing my son to go off with his father every few months for a week or so, even though I know how he feels?

Would a court actually give his father more visitation with his father so far away? I mean 75% of the time spent up there is spent with his step-mom because she doesn't work, and he does? Why would they support more visitation when it's not even being spent with his father?

I was told that there is a difference between family law and custodial / visitation attorneys. I told his father that I was going to request that his visitation be here in Florida not up in Maryland, do to my sons age and the emotional distress it was causing. He proceeded to tell me that if I wasn't aloud to do that, even though we don't have set visitation.

Why would you accept his assertion as to what is allowed or not allowed, and what is it you think Family Law Attorneys do?

Really, you need to talk with an attorney. Don't ask questions on the phone, get a consultation, tell them the situation, and ask what your options are. With the situation as described you are not going get a termination of rights, so what else can be done? Getting a set visitation agreement in place should be doable and having them in your town seems reasonable given the child's age.

Alkaline, what about a change in visitation agreement?


There is no visitation agreement. He was on supervised visitation while my son was a baby due to his absentism, but has grown worse with his move. A lot of the agreements set forth in that paperwork don't even apply now that he has moved out of state.

Yeah, that would be the only option I'd think she would have available to her here.

I don't know what type of agreement they have, it might be "open and liberal" or something to that effect. Sometimes when we have clients that originally get a judgment like that and then later have conflicts we'll change it and make it more specific.

What is your visitation agreement?

I am working on getting an apt with an attorney, I contacted the Florida Bar Referral Service and am working on finding an attorney who does both visitation and custodial cases.

I agree with LadyB. You're going to need to see a family law attorney. I really doubt that adoption is a possibility at all for you, but you might be able to work out a change in his visitation. Do it through an attorney, that way you won't have to talk to him directly about it, you won't have to fight with him and his communications will be going through a 3rd party and will be documented. Sometimes it is best in these circumstances if both of you have attorneys. That way, two people that know the law that are not emotionally involved can work out some kind of compromise that you might both be happy with.

Visitation agreement state's he has to have supervised visitation until the child becomes comfortable with the father and has established a reasonable relationship. We are supposed to alternate every other year claiming him on our taxes, this was on the understanding that he was going to be living here and helping pick-up from daycare, doctor's visits, as well as other emergencies. I am 6 months pregnant and had to take my son to my aunts house because I was rushed to the ER, while he was living here we agreed that he would be active in that area. That he was supposed to have full insurance on my son, this took 3 years to get him to do!

I have the same problem, could you help me out?
My son's father rarely sees his son we've been to court several times now we have joint custody and his parenting time has now been suspended he pays child support he just dontsee his kid my son is will be 3 soon and he has no idea who he is he calls my husband "daddy" he's done so since he was able to talk he only knows him. I want info on how to change his last name if I can't get him adopted at this time. My son has my madien name but I want to change it cause I want him to have my new last name is that possible?

I don't know anything about that sort of thing. My son has his father's last name after he specifically asked for it to be changed in the court papers. Then it took him 2 years to actually do, and I am the one who had to do all of the paperwork and ended up paying for it as well!

angelz921... you need to have some type of court order written up if you don't he is going to walk all over you I have the same thing happen to me sort of my ex thought cause he was the father he could do what he wanted when he wanted w/ our son and I showed he that he couldn't (with the help of the help the courts) stand your ground things will get better it did for me his visitation has has been suspended yes!! He wasn't using them anyway

I spoke to an attorney yesterday afternoon, right now the first step I have to take is to go to the county where the original paperwork was filed and get everything the court has. The attorney thinks that it was improperly filed and maybe that the mediation papers could be null and void do to his incompetent attorney not filing things the way they should have. He didn't even file the DNA results with the courts like he was required to. If I have my way I will also make his visitation here in Florida and not in Maryland as well. There are so many things that the attorney thinks I was screwed on, and the fact that the father moved to Maryland with out consulting me was a violation of our agreement, which stated if one parent moved out of the state it had to be approved by the other parent do to how difficult visitation would be.

I plan on doing what I have to to make sure my son is not mentally damaged by his selfishness!

Grounds for Termination of Parental Rights Florida-
Statute: § 39.806v Circumstances That Are Grounds for Termination


Abandonment or Extreme Parental Disinterest
Abuse/Neglect
Felony Conviction/Incarceration
Failure of Reasonable Efforts
Abuse/Neglect or Loss of Rights of Another Child
Sexual Abuse
Child Judged in Need of Services/Dependent
Child's Best Interest
Child in care 15 of 22 months (or less)
Felony assault of child or sibling
Murder/Manslaughter of sibling child


Circumstances That Are Not Grounds for Termination

Mental Illness or Deficiency
Failure to Maintain Contact
Failure to Provide Support
Failure to Establish Paternity

Yeah I read that off that website too

Step-parent adoption is very hard to be done when the non-custodial parent pay child support.

If your son's father will not consent to the adoption, then you don't have much of a case. It sounds like the dad is paying child support and if he is calling "every few days", as you put it, then he's certainly making the effort to stay involved in his son's life and be a part of it. That said, your chances of getting a judge to agree to an adoption without his consent are slim to none. The fact that the father moved from FL to MD may be slightly questionable but that's just icing on the cake.

I have called a few attorney's and I keep getting a run around, no one wants to deal with custody cases "because they are to difficult"

I think that what these lawyers are trying to tell you is that such cases are unwinnable. The law doesn't base itself on emotions. Unfortunately your arguments have been just that ; emotional ones, not legal ones. Throwing up at the airport, forcing him to go with a stranger, etc. ; these are all designed to provoke emotional reactions and judges can't rule based on that. While your concerns as a mother may be valid, the law is the law and this "stranger" is your son's father, like it or not and as such he has rights. As others have said, as long as he's not a threat to the well-being of your son, he has the right to see his son. Based on what you've told us here, it doesn't sound like he is or that by visiting with his son it in any way violates his best interests. That's why lawyers don't want to get involved with such cases.