Stray
Jul 1, 2007, 11:19 AM
Hey everyone. I really need help, advice, encouragment, -something-.
Before you read, please note that this is something that's been boiling for a long, long time now. And this is the first time I've ever really allowed myself to tell everything about it.. For that, I apologize about the novel. But please, read it. Help me.
I'm 24 years old. I'm dating a guy who's 27. We've known each other for -ten- years. We first met online, ten years ago. We tried dating, broke up. Kept in touch, though. He had a meaningful relationship with a girl a few years ago that lasted around 3 years. He was going to propose to her, and kept me updated with how he was doing and how they were doing. He would tell me how wonderful everything was and how beautiful she was and how much he loved her and how much she meant to him. All the while I loved him but never said anything, I didn't want to break his happiness. Well.. He ends up breaking up with her after it becomes obvious she's not as dedicated to the relationship as he is.
Two years or so later, he and I end up dating again. This time, I move to live with him. We've been together for two years now, at first I was in heaven. I was so happy. I loved him, I love the way he looks and the way he does things. I love to hear him talk and I'd often stare at him while he wasn't looking. He's everything I could ever want in a guy.
But here's the problem.. And it's been killing me. I've become depressed, on medication, I've become so full of self-hate and loathing that I literally, -literally-, -hate- myself. I can't stand myself. I can't stand to see myself in a mirror. Something as simple as brushing my hair disgusts me. The reason for this? He says he loves me, he gives me kisses on the cheek. But that's it. We've slept together only.. twice? In this relationship, and that was within a few days of each other. And it wasn't even just because we talked about it and decided to..
That was after I found pictures of another girl on his computer, with these giant boobs. He'd met her at a comic convention and they'd chat together everynow and then since. She smokes and drinks and does drugs, things he is not into, and actually against. But I found those pictures and read logs. The two would talk and he'd tell her how hot and sexy she was, how beautiful and he'd drool over her. They planned to meet at another convention. He told her I would never approve of it if I knew she was going to be there, and she told him to not tell him she was going to be there. This tore me up inside, it was a horrible weekend. Truly horrible. He didn't know I'd found this yet, and that weekend told me he and his mother were going to a convention. I wasn't invited, apparently.
When I confronted him finally, he didn't see what he'd done wrong. He said nothing was going to happen, at all. He wanted to make me angry because the day I found the things on his computer, I'd called and told him I was staying the night at my friends house without asking him. He wanted to get back at me by not inviting me to the convention. That night we had sex for the first time in our relationship. And I'm almost fully convinced he only did it so I'd feel comfortable.
Months later, we lead platonic lives in a platonic relationship. Every single night, I go to bed by myself while he stays up and plays video games or browses the internet, going to sleep hours later. He'll come in, give me a kiss on the cheek and tell me he loves me and then he leaves me to fall asleep alone. I know we love each other. But I'm starting to wonder if the emotion he feels for me is more like a.. Soul-friendship type. We talk about getting married and we call each other our fiance's. But.. That's all we do. Is talk.
He knows I want to be with him, physically. And I keep thinking that as a man who has a willing woman laying in bed next to him every night, wouldn't there be more? How is it that we barely touch each other.. we snuggle sometimes, a hug, a peck on the cheek is our limit. It's killing me inside. I can only think that it's me. I know I'm not attractive.. I'm not hot or sexy, or beautiful. I'm 5'3 or so, and weigh around 160. I could go further into my physical attributes, but I don't feel comfortable with it. I'm not -degrading- myself, or trying to make myself look worse. I am being up front and honest with my appearance. I have average breasts, but my giant hips do not compliment neither them nor me.
I feel so disgusted with myself, I am so convinced that it must be me. He loves me, but he's not physically attracted to me. It's tearing me apart, I'm filled with such a tremendous amount of loathing and hate for myself. I've begun to push him away. I physically cannot stand the thought of him touching me now, because I'm so disgusted with myself I can't bear the thought of anyone being forced to hug me or snuggle with me out of obligation. I've begun turning away from him and sleeping under separate blankets on the far edge of the bed. I've even begun to reject the little cheek kisses he gives me. It's not because I hate him, or I don't want them. It's because I know he doesn't want to touch me. He loves me and wants my company as a companion, to play games and enjoy things like watching television and eating dinners. He hates me physically, and I believe, wholeheartedly, that he's happiest when he doesn't have to touch me.
In his last relationship, he always talked about how often the two of them would sleep together or do things together. He even told me about a time they spent three hours in a shower together. And I've snooped and found logs from him talking to her, logs he'd saved from his relationship with her, and he'd be telling her how wonderful she is and how she was such an angel. How he loved her and never wanted to be without her. This has given me an unhealthy obsession with stalking his ex girlfriend. I don't know why.. She's prettier than I am, she's thinner, she's more confident, and more experienced.
He tells me I'm 'cute'. Three times he's told me I'm 'pretty'. And only once 'beautiful'. The last compliment was months ago. He never tells me how much he loves me, only 'Love you'. I had to bicker at him to get him to say it seriously. Everyother time he'd say it like he was talking to a child, 'Loves the yooouuu'.
I'm so confused and torn apart inside. I hate myself, just thinking about it brings me to tears. I often fall asleep by crying these days, and he seems so ignorant to the situation. I've tried talking to him about it, if we're going to live our lives in celibacy, but he rolled his eyes. He doesn't want to talk about it. Every time I try and ask 'are we ever going to sleep together again' he ignores the question or says 'I don't know'. I'm so damned -lonely-. I love him, I love him so much. But I feel so -alone-. I have no family here where we live, they're states away. I have no friends, the only ones I have are online friends and when I try talking to anyone about it they tell me to dress up in dominatrix outfits and crack a whip at him. God how I wish I was more attractive, how I wish I was beautiful and could have the confidence he desires. Why am I so damned pitiful?
Is this just me.. Am I reading too much into this? I don't know what's going on, but I need help. I have no one to turn to, no one to talk to. God help me.. all of this stays bottled up inside me and everyday it just gets worse and worse. I love him so much, but I don't know how much longer I can continue trying to pretend everything is okay with him. He knows my insecurity, he knows my self-esteem issues.. why do we continue trying to pretend everything is okay? What did those other girls have that I don't? Does he really care about me? Or is he just pretending, afraid to be by himself? Please, someone.. help me understand what is wrong.
Before you read, please note that this is something that's been boiling for a long, long time now. And this is the first time I've ever really allowed myself to tell everything about it.. For that, I apologize about the novel. But please, read it. Help me.
I'm 24 years old. I'm dating a guy who's 27. We've known each other for -ten- years. We first met online, ten years ago. We tried dating, broke up. Kept in touch, though. He had a meaningful relationship with a girl a few years ago that lasted around 3 years. He was going to propose to her, and kept me updated with how he was doing and how they were doing. He would tell me how wonderful everything was and how beautiful she was and how much he loved her and how much she meant to him. All the while I loved him but never said anything, I didn't want to break his happiness. Well.. He ends up breaking up with her after it becomes obvious she's not as dedicated to the relationship as he is.
Two years or so later, he and I end up dating again. This time, I move to live with him. We've been together for two years now, at first I was in heaven. I was so happy. I loved him, I love the way he looks and the way he does things. I love to hear him talk and I'd often stare at him while he wasn't looking. He's everything I could ever want in a guy.
But here's the problem.. And it's been killing me. I've become depressed, on medication, I've become so full of self-hate and loathing that I literally, -literally-, -hate- myself. I can't stand myself. I can't stand to see myself in a mirror. Something as simple as brushing my hair disgusts me. The reason for this? He says he loves me, he gives me kisses on the cheek. But that's it. We've slept together only.. twice? In this relationship, and that was within a few days of each other. And it wasn't even just because we talked about it and decided to..
That was after I found pictures of another girl on his computer, with these giant boobs. He'd met her at a comic convention and they'd chat together everynow and then since. She smokes and drinks and does drugs, things he is not into, and actually against. But I found those pictures and read logs. The two would talk and he'd tell her how hot and sexy she was, how beautiful and he'd drool over her. They planned to meet at another convention. He told her I would never approve of it if I knew she was going to be there, and she told him to not tell him she was going to be there. This tore me up inside, it was a horrible weekend. Truly horrible. He didn't know I'd found this yet, and that weekend told me he and his mother were going to a convention. I wasn't invited, apparently.
When I confronted him finally, he didn't see what he'd done wrong. He said nothing was going to happen, at all. He wanted to make me angry because the day I found the things on his computer, I'd called and told him I was staying the night at my friends house without asking him. He wanted to get back at me by not inviting me to the convention. That night we had sex for the first time in our relationship. And I'm almost fully convinced he only did it so I'd feel comfortable.
Months later, we lead platonic lives in a platonic relationship. Every single night, I go to bed by myself while he stays up and plays video games or browses the internet, going to sleep hours later. He'll come in, give me a kiss on the cheek and tell me he loves me and then he leaves me to fall asleep alone. I know we love each other. But I'm starting to wonder if the emotion he feels for me is more like a.. Soul-friendship type. We talk about getting married and we call each other our fiance's. But.. That's all we do. Is talk.
He knows I want to be with him, physically. And I keep thinking that as a man who has a willing woman laying in bed next to him every night, wouldn't there be more? How is it that we barely touch each other.. we snuggle sometimes, a hug, a peck on the cheek is our limit. It's killing me inside. I can only think that it's me. I know I'm not attractive.. I'm not hot or sexy, or beautiful. I'm 5'3 or so, and weigh around 160. I could go further into my physical attributes, but I don't feel comfortable with it. I'm not -degrading- myself, or trying to make myself look worse. I am being up front and honest with my appearance. I have average breasts, but my giant hips do not compliment neither them nor me.
I feel so disgusted with myself, I am so convinced that it must be me. He loves me, but he's not physically attracted to me. It's tearing me apart, I'm filled with such a tremendous amount of loathing and hate for myself. I've begun to push him away. I physically cannot stand the thought of him touching me now, because I'm so disgusted with myself I can't bear the thought of anyone being forced to hug me or snuggle with me out of obligation. I've begun turning away from him and sleeping under separate blankets on the far edge of the bed. I've even begun to reject the little cheek kisses he gives me. It's not because I hate him, or I don't want them. It's because I know he doesn't want to touch me. He loves me and wants my company as a companion, to play games and enjoy things like watching television and eating dinners. He hates me physically, and I believe, wholeheartedly, that he's happiest when he doesn't have to touch me.
In his last relationship, he always talked about how often the two of them would sleep together or do things together. He even told me about a time they spent three hours in a shower together. And I've snooped and found logs from him talking to her, logs he'd saved from his relationship with her, and he'd be telling her how wonderful she is and how she was such an angel. How he loved her and never wanted to be without her. This has given me an unhealthy obsession with stalking his ex girlfriend. I don't know why.. She's prettier than I am, she's thinner, she's more confident, and more experienced.
He tells me I'm 'cute'. Three times he's told me I'm 'pretty'. And only once 'beautiful'. The last compliment was months ago. He never tells me how much he loves me, only 'Love you'. I had to bicker at him to get him to say it seriously. Everyother time he'd say it like he was talking to a child, 'Loves the yooouuu'.
I'm so confused and torn apart inside. I hate myself, just thinking about it brings me to tears. I often fall asleep by crying these days, and he seems so ignorant to the situation. I've tried talking to him about it, if we're going to live our lives in celibacy, but he rolled his eyes. He doesn't want to talk about it. Every time I try and ask 'are we ever going to sleep together again' he ignores the question or says 'I don't know'. I'm so damned -lonely-. I love him, I love him so much. But I feel so -alone-. I have no family here where we live, they're states away. I have no friends, the only ones I have are online friends and when I try talking to anyone about it they tell me to dress up in dominatrix outfits and crack a whip at him. God how I wish I was more attractive, how I wish I was beautiful and could have the confidence he desires. Why am I so damned pitiful?
Is this just me.. Am I reading too much into this? I don't know what's going on, but I need help. I have no one to turn to, no one to talk to. God help me.. all of this stays bottled up inside me and everyday it just gets worse and worse. I love him so much, but I don't know how much longer I can continue trying to pretend everything is okay with him. He knows my insecurity, he knows my self-esteem issues.. why do we continue trying to pretend everything is okay? What did those other girls have that I don't? Does he really care about me? Or is he just pretending, afraid to be by himself? Please, someone.. help me understand what is wrong.