tommycapnpants
Jun 27, 2007, 05:00 PM
Hey guys here is the skinny,
My girlfriend of 3 1/2 years has told me that she needs space right now. Let me give you a brief history.
We are both 26 years old. We met in New Orleans when she had just gotten back from working in London. At the time we met I was partying a lot. So, our first few months together all we did was party. Well, after taking a trip to Thailand together I got back into school. While she had already graduated. Anyway, I started getting really serious about school. Fast forward a year later and Hurricane Katrina blows us and everyone out of the city. We end up moving to Honolulu. She really gets going in her career, however she does not really like it. While the last two semesters I had really been consumed by my school work as it was an intensive Chinese language program. We both practice yoga.. . she much longer than I. So at this point we are together for 3.3 years, 3.2 of which we have lived together. Through out those years she has hinted that she was a little bi in feelings, as she had never acted upon it. I always told her I was cool with it. Well, anyway in May she leaves for a yoga teacher training program in New York and two weeks later I head for Beijing for the summer.. . returning in August. Before we left I had repeatedly said that I may stay until December. After a couple weeks in China I fully realized that I did not want to be away from her that long. I actually kind of decided against stying until December before I left for China. Well, thinking that our relationship and love was strong enough to see us through if I did actually stay that long, I would occasionally bring it up. I can't help but think that made her start to question why I would be OK with being apart that long. So, she gets to Hawaii a few weeks ago. We talk through webcam and constant emails. Then she asks me if it would be all right to explore some with this girl she met at a mutual friends house. At first I am pretty bummed about, even though I always said it would be cool.. . when the time came I showed my disappointment. I guess I overreacted a bit and said that "if you feel like sharing yourself with another girl then I can't see us together." I was really hurt by this, then I realized that it was my own fault for saying in the past that I was cool with it. I calm down after a few days, then I say that I am open for her to explore. Which, I had become pretty open to the idea. Anyway, nothing happened between her and that girl. But, a few days ago she says she is not sure she can be committed to a relationship that is heading for marriage. At this point I pretty much break down. She says she can't keep my in the gray area as she loves me too much.. . meaning she does not know if we should stay together. She says she has commitment issues that scare her. Well, darn they scare me too. Even though she loves me so much she is not sure we can continue. She feels that much of our relationship we have been best friends. And we have, to me that is something very special. So, at this point I write her a very long email detailing my faults in the relationship but really more emphasizing all the good points.. . and this is her reply
"i don't even know where to begin to respond to an email like that, it was poetry, a beautiful poem to our relationship. there is so much beauty in it. thank you for that open caring, that truth, and that perception of me. it feels wonderful to know you see me that way. i wish for you i could be in that place of certainty you are, and i once was. thank you for understanding i need space right now. i'm not saying never, but i am saying not right now. and your strength to let me go and give me this space is beautiful. we will never leave each other's lives or hearts. but thank you for letting me go to fly and find what i find, be what i need to be right now, and find my way, alone, for now. I love you always. . . "
[/I]
Ok, so it is clear that she is confused with what she wants. And I was confused at one point almost exactly two years ago.. . I almost had an affair but did not yet I pushed her away, which was one of my faults I talked about earlier.
So, I really don't know what my question is. I am trying to give her the space now.. . I will not contact her.. . but it is hell being over here in China right now and trying to deal with this. When this all went down I booked a flight back the next day. But, before I left for the airport I realized I needed to respect her wishes and give her the space. But, I feel so damn sad and lonely out here now.. . and all I want to do is run back and try to fix things. But, I will hold out until the end of the program here.. . which is August 5th.
Thanks for listening guys. I know I really love this girl. And she has always shown and given her love to me. Even through all of this she constantly says that I am her one and only love and there is no one else. She also says she has no interest in any other guys. She said "when she met me, all other guys held no meaning for her and still do not." She told me this as she told me she needed the space. So, I am not really worried about that. I guess I may be worried about her feelings for women. I have always tried to be the best boyfriend. Sure I have my faults, like studying obsessively and surfing obsessively. But, when we are together in Hawaii I also cook every night for her and we have time together every evening and the weekends together. I ultimately want her to be happy. I just hope I will be included in that happiness. Any help would be greatly appreciated here everyone.
O I forgot to mention. I don't know if it has anything to do with her commitment issue but her parents got a divorce out of nowhere when she was 16. The dad just upped and left with no signs suggesting that he would. So, this may be part of it or not at all.
My girlfriend of 3 1/2 years has told me that she needs space right now. Let me give you a brief history.
We are both 26 years old. We met in New Orleans when she had just gotten back from working in London. At the time we met I was partying a lot. So, our first few months together all we did was party. Well, after taking a trip to Thailand together I got back into school. While she had already graduated. Anyway, I started getting really serious about school. Fast forward a year later and Hurricane Katrina blows us and everyone out of the city. We end up moving to Honolulu. She really gets going in her career, however she does not really like it. While the last two semesters I had really been consumed by my school work as it was an intensive Chinese language program. We both practice yoga.. . she much longer than I. So at this point we are together for 3.3 years, 3.2 of which we have lived together. Through out those years she has hinted that she was a little bi in feelings, as she had never acted upon it. I always told her I was cool with it. Well, anyway in May she leaves for a yoga teacher training program in New York and two weeks later I head for Beijing for the summer.. . returning in August. Before we left I had repeatedly said that I may stay until December. After a couple weeks in China I fully realized that I did not want to be away from her that long. I actually kind of decided against stying until December before I left for China. Well, thinking that our relationship and love was strong enough to see us through if I did actually stay that long, I would occasionally bring it up. I can't help but think that made her start to question why I would be OK with being apart that long. So, she gets to Hawaii a few weeks ago. We talk through webcam and constant emails. Then she asks me if it would be all right to explore some with this girl she met at a mutual friends house. At first I am pretty bummed about, even though I always said it would be cool.. . when the time came I showed my disappointment. I guess I overreacted a bit and said that "if you feel like sharing yourself with another girl then I can't see us together." I was really hurt by this, then I realized that it was my own fault for saying in the past that I was cool with it. I calm down after a few days, then I say that I am open for her to explore. Which, I had become pretty open to the idea. Anyway, nothing happened between her and that girl. But, a few days ago she says she is not sure she can be committed to a relationship that is heading for marriage. At this point I pretty much break down. She says she can't keep my in the gray area as she loves me too much.. . meaning she does not know if we should stay together. She says she has commitment issues that scare her. Well, darn they scare me too. Even though she loves me so much she is not sure we can continue. She feels that much of our relationship we have been best friends. And we have, to me that is something very special. So, at this point I write her a very long email detailing my faults in the relationship but really more emphasizing all the good points.. . and this is her reply
"i don't even know where to begin to respond to an email like that, it was poetry, a beautiful poem to our relationship. there is so much beauty in it. thank you for that open caring, that truth, and that perception of me. it feels wonderful to know you see me that way. i wish for you i could be in that place of certainty you are, and i once was. thank you for understanding i need space right now. i'm not saying never, but i am saying not right now. and your strength to let me go and give me this space is beautiful. we will never leave each other's lives or hearts. but thank you for letting me go to fly and find what i find, be what i need to be right now, and find my way, alone, for now. I love you always. . . "
[/I]
Ok, so it is clear that she is confused with what she wants. And I was confused at one point almost exactly two years ago.. . I almost had an affair but did not yet I pushed her away, which was one of my faults I talked about earlier.
So, I really don't know what my question is. I am trying to give her the space now.. . I will not contact her.. . but it is hell being over here in China right now and trying to deal with this. When this all went down I booked a flight back the next day. But, before I left for the airport I realized I needed to respect her wishes and give her the space. But, I feel so damn sad and lonely out here now.. . and all I want to do is run back and try to fix things. But, I will hold out until the end of the program here.. . which is August 5th.
Thanks for listening guys. I know I really love this girl. And she has always shown and given her love to me. Even through all of this she constantly says that I am her one and only love and there is no one else. She also says she has no interest in any other guys. She said "when she met me, all other guys held no meaning for her and still do not." She told me this as she told me she needed the space. So, I am not really worried about that. I guess I may be worried about her feelings for women. I have always tried to be the best boyfriend. Sure I have my faults, like studying obsessively and surfing obsessively. But, when we are together in Hawaii I also cook every night for her and we have time together every evening and the weekends together. I ultimately want her to be happy. I just hope I will be included in that happiness. Any help would be greatly appreciated here everyone.
O I forgot to mention. I don't know if it has anything to do with her commitment issue but her parents got a divorce out of nowhere when she was 16. The dad just upped and left with no signs suggesting that he would. So, this may be part of it or not at all.