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View Full Version : She wants space.. . hell I am in China!


tommycapnpants
Jun 27, 2007, 05:00 PM
Hey guys here is the skinny,

My girlfriend of 3 1/2 years has told me that she needs space right now. Let me give you a brief history.

We are both 26 years old. We met in New Orleans when she had just gotten back from working in London. At the time we met I was partying a lot. So, our first few months together all we did was party. Well, after taking a trip to Thailand together I got back into school. While she had already graduated. Anyway, I started getting really serious about school. Fast forward a year later and Hurricane Katrina blows us and everyone out of the city. We end up moving to Honolulu. She really gets going in her career, however she does not really like it. While the last two semesters I had really been consumed by my school work as it was an intensive Chinese language program. We both practice yoga.. . she much longer than I. So at this point we are together for 3.3 years, 3.2 of which we have lived together. Through out those years she has hinted that she was a little bi in feelings, as she had never acted upon it. I always told her I was cool with it. Well, anyway in May she leaves for a yoga teacher training program in New York and two weeks later I head for Beijing for the summer.. . returning in August. Before we left I had repeatedly said that I may stay until December. After a couple weeks in China I fully realized that I did not want to be away from her that long. I actually kind of decided against stying until December before I left for China. Well, thinking that our relationship and love was strong enough to see us through if I did actually stay that long, I would occasionally bring it up. I can't help but think that made her start to question why I would be OK with being apart that long. So, she gets to Hawaii a few weeks ago. We talk through webcam and constant emails. Then she asks me if it would be all right to explore some with this girl she met at a mutual friends house. At first I am pretty bummed about, even though I always said it would be cool.. . when the time came I showed my disappointment. I guess I overreacted a bit and said that "if you feel like sharing yourself with another girl then I can't see us together." I was really hurt by this, then I realized that it was my own fault for saying in the past that I was cool with it. I calm down after a few days, then I say that I am open for her to explore. Which, I had become pretty open to the idea. Anyway, nothing happened between her and that girl. But, a few days ago she says she is not sure she can be committed to a relationship that is heading for marriage. At this point I pretty much break down. She says she can't keep my in the gray area as she loves me too much.. . meaning she does not know if we should stay together. She says she has commitment issues that scare her. Well, darn they scare me too. Even though she loves me so much she is not sure we can continue. She feels that much of our relationship we have been best friends. And we have, to me that is something very special. So, at this point I write her a very long email detailing my faults in the relationship but really more emphasizing all the good points.. . and this is her reply


"i don't even know where to begin to respond to an email like that, it was poetry, a beautiful poem to our relationship. there is so much beauty in it. thank you for that open caring, that truth, and that perception of me. it feels wonderful to know you see me that way. i wish for you i could be in that place of certainty you are, and i once was. thank you for understanding i need space right now. i'm not saying never, but i am saying not right now. and your strength to let me go and give me this space is beautiful. we will never leave each other's lives or hearts. but thank you for letting me go to fly and find what i find, be what i need to be right now, and find my way, alone, for now. I love you always. . . "
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Ok, so it is clear that she is confused with what she wants. And I was confused at one point almost exactly two years ago.. . I almost had an affair but did not yet I pushed her away, which was one of my faults I talked about earlier.

So, I really don't know what my question is. I am trying to give her the space now.. . I will not contact her.. . but it is hell being over here in China right now and trying to deal with this. When this all went down I booked a flight back the next day. But, before I left for the airport I realized I needed to respect her wishes and give her the space. But, I feel so damn sad and lonely out here now.. . and all I want to do is run back and try to fix things. But, I will hold out until the end of the program here.. . which is August 5th.

Thanks for listening guys. I know I really love this girl. And she has always shown and given her love to me. Even through all of this she constantly says that I am her one and only love and there is no one else. She also says she has no interest in any other guys. She said "when she met me, all other guys held no meaning for her and still do not." She told me this as she told me she needed the space. So, I am not really worried about that. I guess I may be worried about her feelings for women. I have always tried to be the best boyfriend. Sure I have my faults, like studying obsessively and surfing obsessively. But, when we are together in Hawaii I also cook every night for her and we have time together every evening and the weekends together. I ultimately want her to be happy. I just hope I will be included in that happiness. Any help would be greatly appreciated here everyone.


O I forgot to mention. I don't know if it has anything to do with her commitment issue but her parents got a divorce out of nowhere when she was 16. The dad just upped and left with no signs suggesting that he would. So, this may be part of it or not at all.

Dennis777
Jun 27, 2007, 05:14 PM
Hello

Give her some time. His happens in all relationships, in the end it will make your relationship stronger as long as you give her the space she needs. Space doesn't mean you can't send her a thinking about you friendship type note. Don't get deep in the note just ask how she is doing.

What you need to do is keep the door open so she knows she can walk back in.

Good Luck
Dennis777

tommycapnpants
Jun 27, 2007, 05:27 PM
Thanks Dennis. Your words are encouraging. I guess Ill give it a couple of weeks and then if I have not heard from her.. . I'll send that friendly note. It's hard as hell trying to find that stillness right now though.

tommycapnpants
Jun 30, 2007, 03:39 AM
It was hard last night. I am killing myself inside by trying not to contact. Tried not to turn to the bottle, but it was either going out with my friends or miserably sitting in my room alone.. . which I have pretty much done the past 3 days. And now Saturday night in beijing has just begun.

It's hard to get in the gym but I feel a little better afterwards. Running is kind of interesting too, because I tend to think a lot while doing it.. . So its both helpful and painful (mentally). Meditation in the morning gives me a little peace but not lasting. Does anyone think I am crazy for holding onto hope?

talaniman
Jun 30, 2007, 07:14 AM
Not crazy but confused. Giving her space is a good thing, and you must maintain yourself by doing what you want, and enjoying it. Build your life around the things you enjoy, and find your own happiness. No one can say what she will do, but you living the way you want is key right now.

tommycapnpants
Jun 30, 2007, 03:45 PM
Not crazy but confused. Giving her space is a good thing, and you must maintain yourself by doing what you want, and enjoying it. Build your life around the things you enjoy, and find your own happiness. No one can say what she will do, but you living the way you want is key right now.

I agree with you 100%. I guess we are just both confused now. I know that I all I can do is work on myself and really learn this language out here, which is why I am here in the first place. And I can't do it by sitting in my room. It's a good thing I was into a good exercise routine already when this happened too. I know doing things that are good for the body are ultimately good for the mind. Still, it's hard to pull myself from the inbox of my email. I guess now only time will tell. Thanks for your response!!

nicespringgirl
Jun 30, 2007, 05:42 PM
Well, I don't see why you should give her that much space I mean you are in Beijing!!
I don't understand girls sometimes either although I am a girl... I guess individuals are all different from each others and when things come to love, it's just hard to say... what is the right thing to do, what is not...
Anyway,I hope you enjoy Beijing;).

cjnvgq
Jun 30, 2007, 08:13 PM
Do you like Beijing?
That is my hometown.
I remember when I was there, I always came to foreigners to say hello. And I knew friends all over the world on TianAnMen Square.
I wish you wonderful time there!

cjnvgq
Jun 30, 2007, 08:13 PM
Welcome to come Beijing on Olympics Games in 2008!

tommycapnpants
Jun 30, 2007, 09:47 PM
我很喜欢北京。 可是现在我有一点寂寞,应为我跟奴朋友闹翻了。一般来说中国人非常好!

cjnvgq
Jun 30, 2007, 09:53 PM
我很喜欢北京。 可是现在我有一点寂寞,应为我跟奴朋友闹翻了。一般来说中国人非常好!

Your Chinese is so good!
Don't worry. Everything will be fine. You will have time to open both hearts to talk.
I like here too. So far I have made many American friends. You are friendly.
I strongly recommend Beijing Roast Duck to you. It serves in WangFuJing street. It is very good!

Wish you good luck!

Inspired
Jun 30, 2007, 10:16 PM
You sound like a great guy. I honestly think she may be wanting to explore. That does not mean that she doesn't love you, but she's confused about the bisexual feelings she has. I think that you had a right to not want her to experiment with other girls. It is a form of cheating, regardless if it is done with the same sex or the opposite sex. I really do think she loves you based on what you have written. I just think she needs time. You two have been together since she was 23, maybe she just wants to get to know herself better. The best thing is to give her the space she needs and for you to go out and explore China. Look at the bright side, at least you are in a completely different environment that is open for you to go out and do new things and meet new people. At least you do not have to deal with this in your own home town, where everything you look at would remind you of your relationship. The best thing in my opinion is not to contact her. Let her contact you, because I am sure she will start to miss you. Good luck and God Bless.

cjnvgq
Jun 30, 2007, 10:28 PM
I am very thankful for you that you endure all your pains and teach in China.
I think love is lifelong promise. If people in love remember there is a person waiting there forever wherever they are, love would not be easy to disappear.
Insecurity when another is not staying with one proves a deep love.
Don't forget to buy her gift.

tommycapnpants
Jun 30, 2007, 10:44 PM
Inspired: Thanks for the kind words. I think you are right in that she does want to find herself. I am starting to find an acceptance that is giving me a little stillness. She actually just emailed me. So, I replied with a short note.. . nothing mushy. I didn't say I love you, or sign it with Love. I don't know if that was a mistake but I figure it's best not to talk about it right now. And you are totally right about being in a foreign place dealing with this. At first it was pretty scary, but now I realize that if I were back in Hawaii even looking at the water would remind me of her.

cjnvgq:

Thank you for the kind of words too. I do believe in enduring love. I believe she and I have that. So, for now I will try my best to experience China for what it is.