In childhood, she was concerned about my health and education but not really about social life. It was OK! For her that I was getting along with social outcasts who also had boring life. As long as I was "saint" and religious, going always to church this was making her happy. Any who is agnostic "considers" evil. My sister was social outcast too and my parents neither had rich social life. Even when I was 10, she used to put me down with words (accused) of me having crooked back now being overweight (but I go to gym and try to loss weight and get in shape) . I went to very good but private school and the classes are small and teachers wonderful and statistically almost every graduate get job from school I attend. She of course preferred me to go to community college because of money. However, I got a lot of financial support for first year. I did not even took on campus housing to save more money for next year and to NOT go against my family's wishes as it would be hard. I love my mother but sitting with her and listening to her complaints is depressing. I really try hard but sometimes I feel she sometimes she undermine me, does not value good things I do. Help

!She also always looks at my closet and backpack though I do not like it. I also cannot lock my door to my room because it is inappropriate for her. I feel little bit violated with privacy. I would get on-campus housing to live independently but I won't be able to afford next year. I cannot also afford leave off campus in the city, because what job in the world I could get that would pay me well part-time without even having yet college degree and academic experience. I will be sophomore next year in Computer Science major. What would you do in my situation and what do you think about my mother?

Anyone there? :confused:

I am sorry, but your post is a little hard to understand. I am guessing english is not your first language?

Can you re-write this into more of a question format as I am sure people aren't exactly sure what you are asking for here.

Also, not everyone who has a possible solution to your dilemma may not be online right now, so please be patient and someone who may be able to help you should come online shortly.

I am sorry, but your post is a little hard to understand. I am guessing english is not your first language?

Can you re-write this into more of a question format as I am sure people aren't exactly sure what you are asking for here.

Also, not everyone who has a possible solution to your dilemma may not be online right now, so please be patient and someone who may be able to help you should come online shortly.

Ok is now mine more clear? I think you guys should start rewarding respondents with points like in Yahoo Answers so this would encourage more to reply.

Actually Yahoo answers is a sick joke, they are anti christian, non moral, if a person gives good answers if hateful people don't like them, they complain and the poster gets banned.

But basically if you don't like living under your moms rule, move, that is your chioce.

In childhood, she was concerned about my health and education but not really about social life. It was OK! For her that I was getting along with social outcasts who also had boring life. As long as I was "saint" and religious, going always to church this was making her happy. Any who is agnostic "considers" evil. My sister was social outcast too and my parents neither had rich social life. Even when I was 10, she used to put me down with words (accused) of me having crooked back now being overweight (but I go to gym and try to loss weight and get in shape) . I went to very good but private school and the classes are small and teachers wonderful and statistically almost every graduate get job from school I attend. She of course preferred me to go to community college because of money. However, I got a lot of financial support for first year. I did not even took on campus housing to save more money for next year and to NOT go against my family's wishes as it would be hard. I love my mother but sitting with her and listening to her complaints is depressing. I really try hard but sometimes I feel she sometimes she undermine me, does not value good things I do. Help

!She also always looks at my closet and backpack though I do not like it. I also cannot lock my door to my room because it is inappropriate for her. I feel little bit violated with privacy. I would get on-campus housing to live independently but I won't be able to afford next year. I cannot also afford leave off campus in the city, because what job in the world I could get that would pay me well part-time without even having yet college degree and academic experience. I will be sophomore next year in Computer Science major. What would you do in my situation and what do you think about my mother?

I think she is working very hard, to do the best she can, to make sure you have a chance in this cold, cruel world on your own. Of course you can't see it now, but, all the disipline, and hardships, and sacrifice, will pay off in the future, and you will appreciate her tireless efforts, on your behalf. The thing you need to remember is that in 2 very short years, you will be looking at the world and getting to be a part of it, on your terms if you can hang in there, and do your part now. Strict she is, but she does what she has to for you, out of much love and concern, no doubt. Do your best to make her proud, because life takes no prisoners. Listen to her while you can.

I think she is working very hard, to do the best she can, to make sure you have a chance in this cold, cruel world on your own. Of course you can't see it now, but, all the disipline, and hardships, and sacrifice, will pay off in the future, and you will appreciate her tireless efforts, on your behalf. The thing you need to remember is that in 2 very short years, you will be looking at the world and getting to be a part of it, on your terms if you can hang in there, and do your part now. Strict she is, but she does what she has to for you, out of much love and concern, no doubt. Do your best to make her proud, because life takes no prisoners. Listen to her while you can.

"went to very good but private school and the classes are small and teachers wonderful and statistically almost every graduate get job from school I attend. "

You need to read carefully before you post any answer! And you did not put too much focus on my life. Look! Part of growing up is becoming independent. Without it neither me, nor parents will have advantage from that when they become old!

If you want to get nasty because you did not like the advice given. That tells me a lot about you.

You know what, It sounds to me that the only thing she did was actually parent you and your trying to blame your mother for everything wrong.

She may have been strict in some ways but look where you are now and be thankful.

As far as independence that is something you need to figure out on your own. If you do not like certain things your mother is saying to you. Talk to her, tell her how you feel.

Set bounderies, but you know what? Are you still living at home. If that is the case then she feels that she needs to still act as your mother, and as long as your under your parents roof you need to follow her rules.

If you do not like it, you know the answer MOVE OUT. Move out, that's it. If it is so so bad for you that is your only option. Get a job, and Make that decision to break away from the nest on your own.

No one said life was going to be easy.

Joe

Damn it Talaniman! I'm 20! You did not read carefully!
I read your post very carefully especially the part about


I did not even took on campus housing to save more money for next year and to NOT go against my family's wishes

You are dependent on your family to get through school and depend on them for everything, so to want to party and worry about a social life, that means you are able to take care of yourself and do as you please and this is not the case. As long as you are dependent on them guess who calls the shots. I applaud you doing well and its two very short years and you have your life to yourself. I understand social life, that is what you have to look forward to. For now, get that education as your mother works and then party all you want. Sorry you didn't like my answer. But you control nothing until you stand on your own.

I will agree, you do not understand life yet, Your mom is trying to protect you and do what is right. You should try and be more like her.
What you call "social out cast" are probably the better people who you need to be with. And the "in" people are most likely the ones drinking and parting and the ones you need to actually stay away from.

But if you live in your moms home, you live by her rules. So this is the deal, "deal with it" or move, it is always your choice.

As for as giving you no privicy, guess she is worried about what you are wanting to do, and trying to protect you. I think you should thank her for loving you and caring for you so much.

I am going to ask you to explain this, that you wrote, "I did not even took on campus housing to save more money for next year and to NOT go against my family's wishes as it would be hard."

You are complaining so much about your rights being violated, your privacy not being honored, your Mother being so strict, then why in the world don't you grow up and get out on your own? That way you have all your rights protected, your privacy honored, no one to be strict with you, and no one to whine about?

I have a strong feeling that going against your "family wishes as it would be hard" would be hard on you - the support they provide to you would be gone. Give me a break already. I was in your shoes and just as angry as you are now. Taking the first step on my own was hard but it was the best first step I ever took.

I agree your Mom is strict but what would you prefer? Some Mom that does not pay attention to you, does not care, does not worry about her own child's future? There are some Mom's like that out there. Be thankful you have a Mom that does care. When you get smart and get on your own, you can do as you like. You live as you like. But for now, her home = her rules. Get over it or move. You can work and go to school - thousands, millions of students work and go to college. IT is called being an adult.

Actually yahoo answers is a sick joke, they are anti christian, non moral, if a person gives good answers if hateful people don't like them, they complain and the poster gets banned.

But basicly if you don't like living under your moms rule, move, that is your chioce.

Anti Christian, anti-moral? On what basis? By what you meant good answers? It sounds like you reason something on divine command theory, but this theory is based on obedience, not reason. There is no room left for collecting and analyzing facts. In addition I also I do NOT believe in moral relativism, neither subjective nor cultural.
The other workable theories for me are Kantianism (universalism), utilitarianism, personal libertarianism, Rawl's distributive justice, social contract, and virtue ethics. Please use those for explanation why Yahoo Answers is "anti christian". It is almost like saying Comcast is bad or Microsoft is bad which does not make any sense.

I'm going to have to disagree with the above posters and say tombabula has valid concerns. Normally I post in the Relationships/Dating/Mental Wellness sections, but today I began thinking about one issue I'm dealing with, very similar to yours.

Throughout my life, my parents were very strict; my mother is especially controlling, particularly dealing with money. She's obsessed with saving money and never spending a penny unless absolutely necessary. Granted, it's gotten us very far in life, but it's also been a hindrance. Why? Because no one is as cheap as she is and it grates on everyone she knows (including me).

My mom was also always pushing us to go to school and I always wanted to go to college and study (just got my MS in Computer Science), so that's fine. She wouldn't let me go to a good school (coming out of high school, I had a 4.4 GPA and I'm a latino--I could have gone nearly anywhere); she forced me to go to a local community college because it costs less and I wouldn't have to pay rent--and mind you, I'd been working throughout high school so I have always had my own money: I could have afforded rent on my own, without taking out loans.

She also wanted us to be socially responsible and mature, and so did I; fine. But where we disagree is the extent to which people need social lives.

My mom grew up with no social life, and she's happy this way. Today she has no friends; she'd rather spend all day in the house than go out and do anything (which would cost money... plus she's content with being at home all day anyway). And that's fine--for her. But I personally feel the need to go out, have some fun and have a good time--all within reason. I'm not going to blow my life savings on beer and women, like many kids these days. I'm fiscally responsible but I do like to splurge every so often; I like to go out and watch a movie or eat with friends or whatever. These are things she HATES--"why eat out when you have food at home? why not watch a movie on TV?"

She doesn't control my life--I can do these things anyway. I just hate having to hear about it when she finds out I've spent any money.

So I can relate with tombabula. I was going to ask a question of my own, but it'd be very similar to his and I can see what your opinions are. I'm not saying they're wrong, but I think perhaps you all are reading too much into his wishes for a social life.

There's no reason you can't study and have a good, healthy social upbringing. Just don't go overboard; I tried to have fun while maintaining a good GPA. If you really are thinking of partying every night and coming home drunk, or spending all your cash on stupid things, then the above posters are correct in thinking you are being too critical. But if you can balance your education and your social upbringing, then I think you need to start distancing yourself from your parents and start living your own life, however you can do so.

I will agree, you do not understand life yet, Your mom is trying to protect you and do what is right. You should try and be more like her.
What you call "social out cast" are probably the better people who you need to be with. And the "in" people are most likely the ones drinking and parting and the ones you need to actually stay away from.

But if you live in your moms home, you live by her rules. So this is the deal, "deal with it" or move, it is always your choice.

As for as giving you no privicy, guess she is worried about what you are wanting to do, and trying to protect you. I think you should thank her for loving you and caring for you so much.

Who said I want to go party and get drunk! Anyway good education without good social well-being = poor life. Anyway what is bad in drinking and parting if it is kept in balance? If someone does that with moderation and drinks responsibly without having bad effects on his life and others, then that's OK!

Well done answer! I totally agree with You!

There's no reason you can't study and have a good, healthy social upbringing. Just don't go overboard; I tried to have fun while maintaining a good GPA. If you really are thinking of partying every night and coming home drunk, or spending all your cash on stupid things, then the above posters are correct in thinking you are being too critical. But if you can balance your education and your social upbringing, then I think you need to start distancing yourself from your parents and start living your own life, however you can do so.

Exactly, I want to have not only good education but also a healthy social well-being. Without it, I feel lonely and it may even have sometimes negative influence on studying. Having friends is important! Thank you very much for your good answer!

Huno/tombabula.

Not denying you have good points, and very valid concerns, but what is lost is you can do whatever you want on your dime. That's the whole point. When you want to do as you please, then don't expect people to support your habit on their dime. Of course you don't see it now, but you will understand a lot more, when you have to do the same thing for your own kids. And you'll feel what your moms feels now.

What is lost is you can do whatever you want on your dime. Thats the whole point. When you want to do as you please, then don't expect people to support your habit on their dime. Of course you don't see it now, but you will understand a lot more, when you have to do the same thing for your own kids. And you'll feel what your moms feels now.

I get that part, but (in my case, anyway) it is my dime--i.e. everything I have and do costs me money: I don't ask any money from my parents because I've been working since high school. I've accrued a healthy savings account and bought my own car, paid tuition, clothes, food, rent, etc.

If it were my parents' money, then absolutely, I would not argue if they didn't want to buy me everything I asked for. But even if it were about the parents' money, tombabula is talking about having a simple, healthy social life. If you're too busy studying to work, then you can't have an income and you'd need to ask for some money to make sure you stay sane, and you should devote time to enjoy yourself.

Life can't be all about work--most people go nuts doing nothing but work. When you're growing up, I think it's fair to get $5 or $10 a week to see a movie or eat with friends, or to put away and save for something bigger. I don't think tombabula wants to drive daddy's Porsche--he just wants some freedom to experience life without his mother's strict judgment.

I think that if I'd have had just a little more support, both financially and emotionally, I'd have been a lot happier growing up. I didn't have many friends in high school because I was never taught to socialize, and my parents actively avoided friends and family so I wasn't really given the opportunities, implicit or otherwise, to meet and interact with other people. My parents were perfectly content with leading very private lives. We never invited people over, and my father would literally chase away our neighbors when we moved into a new home. If I brought home any friends to hang out, my dad would become very irate and he'd never let them come back.

I think I was very quiet and shy growing up because of it. It's only recently that I'd started to buy and read behavioral psychology books and tried to reverse their upbringing. I think I'm better off for it.

That's what he's complaining about, I think. Yes, tombabula, it's possible your mother is entirely too strict. Your post kind of goes all over the place, but I think I see your point.

Also, her invasion of your privacy (which my mom is also guilty of) can be very upsetting. Does she have reason to suspect you're doing anything wrong?

Anyway, I think what I'm trying to say is that some parents can be very overbearing and they can cause their children to grow up very poorly fitted for socialization and the real world; that's how school shooters are born.

Yes, it is true that many are NOT cognizant of their childrens' lives at all and they wind up dead, in prison or living in a garage the rest of their lives. Balance is the key, and that's what I personally have a gripe about.

BTW, tombabula, where are you from? Is English your first language? Just curious.

BTW, tombabula, where are you from? Is English your first language? Just curious.
Hey. I am originally from Poland. I grew up there just with my mother and sister, my father emigrated when I was 2. My grandfather was taking care of me until he died when I was 7. My sister moved out from house when she got 20 and it was time for her to go to college. My parents paid her rent (at that time and place they could afford). I lived in very small town, nothing much was there. At age 17 finally I moved out with my mother when we got green cards. I really appreciate this from them. I have been in the United States for 3 years. So my primary language is Polish. I learned English little bit in Poland and finally here in the U.S. I understand a lot and have no problems with understanding lecture or friends. The only thing is I do not speak fast and sometimes when people talk very fast I have problem with understanding them, but generally I know the context of subject. Btw, as I live around Chicago, people speak here with many different accents. So it little depends on that too.
Btw regarding "the dime" I am in similar situation to yours. I have been working for more than year. My first job I got at some dollar store and then the second at Macy's as merchandiser. However, I did not earn and save much (had only 6.50/h and later in Macy's $7.25/h). With all costs of spending for cellular bill and health insurance (my parents do not have), books, clothes and dining it was impossible. For health insurance I pay around $60 per month. Currently, I am looking for new job and I quit old one which prevented me from taking summer classes. Just my boss did not care about my education and it was UNFAIR. I hope to find job that will fit the most in my field, however, it is not quaranteed since I still have a long way ahead education to even qualify for most internships. I just only learned HTML and little Java Script and Python. I did not have yet .NET or Java courses. I am in Computer Science major and I go to DePaul University in Chicago. I live in far suburbs and have to take train. Commuting one way takes me average 80-100 minutes. I live with my parents in apartment complex where there is a lot of small kids screaming all day and nights. That's why I study in library and will buy laptop next year. I was thinking about taking on-campus housing next year and even got housing agreement on my hand, but my mother with older sister (30 years old, married) did not like that I would have to borrow more money, even though it is private loan on my name (with my father as co-signer). I have got to pay off from loans about 11,500 for tutition for next sophomore year and housing would cost me additional $7000-$1000 (excluding summer). But even before that, when I had a chance to get free housing for spring quarter when I was applying for RA position, my mother was even then little not comfortable about me moving out. Finally, I did not get this job because a lot of people applied for that and only few got selected. So here I am confused, are they really worried about loan-money or something else, or both? They obviously do not want me to get in big debt and I appreciate that. My sister insisted on me to take steps slowly and find just ANY new better job and then again some another more better. But how many people really go to full-time college and have full-time job at the same time? Not really, just part-time but then I guess then it is not enough for rent ( Let's say if I was going to rent off-campus and find roommates). By the way I prefer to focus rather on career related to Computer Science field. But first I must get enough experience! I hope you understand my story which is little bit more complicated than what I said-- First year in the U.S I lived in Massachusetts with my parents, I got there some Polish friends but once we moved to Chicago after one year I almost lost contact with them, even though I call them. So social life there was little bit better than in Poland. In Chicago I got quite alienated. And besides first year here I lived with my parents under the roof of my sister's house. Somehow she needed us quickly. Decision to move was quick! My parents later regretted that decision. My father was out of job for many months. My education got stretched, because of difference in education system and new requirements for courses between Mass and Illinois. But finally I managed to get to DePaul. Now I hope to find friends and not only Polish but also Americans. Anyway there is here rather more Polish-American who many of them speak English. On-campus housing would be ideal for making connections and improving my English. But you know my situation. Thanks for your posts! You are my friend Huno!

Wow, your situation IS difficult! I want to comment on several points:

First off, if you are learning HTML, learn CSS, Javascript, PHP, ASP, and start looking into using Photoshop. Do web pages. In my school, many departments would send emails to the computer science departments asking for a student who can do web pages. I took many of these offers and charged a cheaper price than a professional, but still made ~$1000 for a week's effort. If you do one web page, soon your employer will tell friends in other departments and outside companies and you'll get a lot of offers. It's not guaranteed work but it's a good way to make extra money on the side.

Secondly, I understand your parents' position on loans. My parents were the same way: they did NOT like loans. They don't even like credit cards and always pay everything with cash (including brand-new cars!). I see their point, there is a lot of debt in America and many struggle and suffer because of debt. I was in the unique position where I had been working since I was young and started at a community college, and I was working full-time and going to school full-time (at first). By the time I moved to a university I had a lot of money saved up and so I didn't need loans.

But it IS normal to have loans; most Americans have debt to pay after they graduate. You are a computer science major, and the market is pretty good. When you graduate, you have a good chance of making good money and so your debts should be fairly easy to pay off. Explain this to your parents, see what they say.

Finally, though, let's return to the original topic: balancing a social life with your responsibilities and how your parents view this. Well, it's obvious that money really IS a burden... now I wonder if it is wise for you to move out if it will mean an additional financial responsibility. Well, if you get an RA position then moving out will save you the time and money from commuting but it would also ensure you don't take on additional expenses. If you don't get it... you have to think about if you want to pay an additional ~$21000 after you get out of school. Can you eventually pay it off? Yes. But it is real debt, and if your parents are anything like mine (and it looks like they are), they will not like it.

Apply for an RA position fall quarter. Explain to your parents that spending an hour and a half daily on the commute is too much time wasted (programming assignments usually have to be done on school computers to ensure compatibility... at least that's how it was at my school where we did everything in Linux). Also explain that if you had your own place you could concentrate more and do better in school. Finally, say that you will only move out if you get the RA position--and that's exactly what you should do. If you get the RA position, move out; if not, stay home. That is my opinion.

BTW, so you're computer science: what will you specialize in? Networking and databasing are in right now, since everything is connected to the Internet. I'm surprised I can't network my toaster to my laptop yet. Unfortunately, so many kids are going into that that there's a lot of competition... glad I studied graphics! :D

As I remember it, school offers an excellent opportunity to socialize with those who have like goals as you do so applying yourself where you spend so much time will help you in the long run. As far as privacy, in my house there is none, and my kids, and all who where my responsibility, where subject to the rules, Maybe you have no knowledge of what is out there, especially in Chicago, which is about where I grew up, that can actually be dangerous and harmful, to your school and social life and I can see where that fear can influence your parents decision to be very strict on you. Do you have any idea of what kind of social life your talking about?

BTW, so you're computer science: what will you specialize in? Networking and databasing are in right now, since everything is connected to the Internet. I'm surprised I can't network my toaster to my laptop yet. Unfortunately, so many kids are going into that that there's a lot of competition... glad I studied graphics! :D

Well my parents although do not like loans, they take credit cards! They used for that to buy new furniture. When we moved in the apartment was almost empty! We moved at exact time when I started at DePaul.

I am in software engineering concentration, but I am not 100% sure what I will do! When I started fresham year, in first quarter I took Intro to Computer Science which I did not pass (and it hurted GPA). The class was not too hard, but the exams, especially the final was (although all homework I've done well). We even had to write program in final, that we started couple weeks ago in class and most did not finish as it was optional. Instructor this left to us and moved quickly to another topic. So next time I will also pay to extra assignments. This fall I will retake it, and this time I will have different instructor and more class hours. So it should help. We use Python for Intro to CS. The lecture of this course is always late afternoon 3:10-4:40. I remember when I startted I had in addition classes in the morning starting at 9:40, although with train and commute get up time was 7:00 to get in time to train at 8:12. When I finished morning classes, sometimes I was tired on CS class. My eyes were closing. And I remember I had then more focus on first-year program classes than CS. Now next year it should be better with classses, but I still got Intro to CS at 3:10. And they only have at that time :(

I will definitely apply for RA, not only because of waste time, but also because of the train schedule that does not fit much well with my class schedule. The train after 9 is only every hour! There is no way to avoid getting late to class or wait very long which could be another class! That's then not 1h 30 but 2 h 30 min waste of time! Unfortunantly, last year there was only 9 open positions and about 70 people applied! So it is not easy to get!

With programming assignments I think I should be fine, when I buy laptop and install the programming programs we use in class. We use on Windows platform so it shouldn't be a problem. Hopefully when I retake class, I'll pass and my final grade D will be replaced and get fixed GPA (Now GPA is better afer another quarter). With high GPA I can get $5000 scholarship from my school! From all other classes I got A and only one B+ . But it is because on many assignments I used to work often until 1:00 am. Of course it is not good and I must change this habit so that I will finish all homework at least by 11:00 and long ones by 12. I am not sure what I'll do with this annoying child that periodically screams under my room (often by 2:00 am) and the walls are thin and I can hear her very well. There is even no air conditioning in my room so I have to open window. But even with window closed I can hear noise. If she will continue do to that, I will probably ask parents to exchange bedrooms! It almost drives me crazy. Thanks for the tips on HTML. And again thanks for your good advice!

As I remember it, school offers an excellent opportunity to socialize with those who have like goals as you do so applying your self where you spend so much time will help you in the long run. As far as privacy, in my house there is none, and my kids, and all who where my responsibility, where subject to the rules, Maybe you have no knowledge of what is out there, especially in Chicago, which is about where I grew up, that can actually be dangerous and harmful, to your school and social life and I can see where that fear can influence your parents decision to be very strict on you. Do you have any idea of what kind of social life your talking about?

Hmm... well yes, school can offer a great opportunity to hang out and socialize. In my case, though, it was kind of hard. Computer science students tend to be quiet, shy, very closed off, nerdy, "Star Trek" kind of guys. I'm not and so I couldn't relate to them.

In fact the majority of my friends, I met them after I started getting involved in social groups, and all the people I met were Sociology, Chicano Studies, Communications, etc. One group I got into was a graduate student group that was about mentoring underrepresented students in grad school (minorities, women). Hard-working, but also knew how to have good, clean fun.

I do agree, though, that it's necessary to be strong with children: if you try to be their friends they grow up thinking there are no rules to follow and that screws them up for their adult life. tombabula, though, is an adult now and I think he knows what he wants.

That last question is valid, though: tombabula, what kind of social life would you like? What do you see yourself doing when you're not studying or working?

Hmm... well yes, school can offer a great opportunity to hang out and socialize. In my case, though, it was kind of hard. Computer science students tend to be quiet, shy, very closed off, nerdy, "Star Trek" kind of guys. I'm not and so I couldn't relate to them.

In fact the majority of my friends, I met them after I started getting involved in social groups, and all the people I met were Sociology, Chicano Studies, Communications, etc. One group I got into was a graduate student group that was about mentoring underrepresented students in grad school (minorities, women). Hard-working, but also knew how to have good, clean fun.

I do agree, though, that it's necessary to be strong with children: if you try to be their friends they grow up thinking there are no rules to follow and that screws them up for their adult life. tombabula, though, is an adult now and I think he knows what he wants.

That last question is valid, though: tombabula, what kind of social life would you like? What do you see yourself doing when you're not studying or working?

Hmm it is not simple answer.

First point I see is making friends and then being in relationship with someone.

First of all lets start from friends. As of today, I have no close friends in my area (so that they called on weekend and I went with them playing bowling or whatever), I imagine taking first steps in meeting people in clubs (I plan to join sobe club or fraternity next year), doors (if I could afford that) and parties. What party I could join is any (both official and private), as long as there are no drug use and no push for drinking (meaning that I could drink the amount I want, moderately without peer-pressure. In city setting without having to drive. However, I am not yet 21 so this option is unavailable to me in legal ways. And of course I would only go couple times a year just to meet new people and enjoy and not do something stupid that I would later regret in the rest of my life. Simply going to cafeteria like Starbucks to have coffe would be good for me. I like bowling but I do not like going there alone. I would go to Six Flags America to have fun, but going alone would not be : ( In Poland at least, I studied with friends when they needed help.
I try contact many of former classmates (not just from Computer Science) via Facebook but many ignore my simple comments and do not write back. Even though they added me to "friend list" and in class or any place we had nice chat. One of my questions were lie "hey, how is going? what you do for fun around here?" but I get silence. Sometimes I receive from some nice comments back but if any comment suggest hanging out then there is silence. Many have listed AIM screennames and most of them are offline. Even when most of them for some period were very often online, few weeks later I see them offline all the time and almost or never come back! That's sad.

Regarding the second issue- relationship - I have no girlfriend and I do not know if I will have because I am gay. My family does not know and I am right now officially "interested in women." I like them emotionally but I am not attracted physically. Although I am not 100% sure because I was never in date with girls. Sometimes some guys attract me like magnet and when they are in my class with me I can get distracted. I do not have a boyfriend but I had in past sex with guy 2 times with whom I did not enter into relationship. I met them on the Internet in my area around my hometown. The first one appeared to be cheater, some bisexual that prefers girls but supposedly like to have causal sex with guys and when I attempted to call him next time, he never answered again. The second one is good and I know him better but is 6 years older than me so we are different people in different stages of life. I did not feel satisfied after sex because it was like meaningless and I will try to not do that again. After that I think I know why sex on first meeting can be awkward and is not worth. Anyway I would prefer to get know gay guy on campus, naturally in school, at class or club rather than this way-Internet where there is lot of creepy people. I tried to join LGBT club in my school, but it is every Thursday night and with my uncomfortable commuting and class on Fridays I figured out I couldn't. I do not know how explain what is this club about, but when I was on meeting then the discussion was about discrimination against black people. And what they still face today. There are some classes offered called LGBTQ studies, but I do not if I will ever take them because I think they do not fill into requirements from Liberal Arts and Sciences domain. Probably just as optional, selected. But they started to offer them not long time ago and there was a lot of news going about this as DePaul University is one of the largest catholic institutions in nation. This school has University Ministry which sponsors many programs and events on campus.

Okay I have to agree with J_9 and Fr.Chuck, see my dear I grew up in a household like yours, and I was always under my parents control. It actually did me some good believe it or not, it's true if you don't like it move out (you can get a job and pay rent I did). How I look at it is;
Are you paying rent there?
Are you paying half the bills at your parent's house?
Are you splitting the grocery list?
If your answers are all no then there is a saying that applies to you.
“This is my house I pay the mortgage and the bills and you will follow some rules and guide lines." ( my dear old mom's saying)
The last thing your mother probably wants is to have drugs or any other kind of trouble brought into her house hold. She just loves you kid Id say you have a pretty good life.

You complain about your Mother quite a bit - in your postings. Yet you claim to be an adult, who wants all the adult type privileges. You cannot move out of your parent's home because of blah blah blah. You do need to start growing up and quit whining. Many people would trade with you.

First thing:

You all guys are reading too much into my wishes for social life. Certainly, education and other things are important, but being connected with other people is also important as well. Btw in order to work, you have to first study to work, don't you? Not all people have certainly ability to work and go to school, especially when going to school full-time. Besides I appreciate for everything my parents did. Notice that I did not criticize them for everything, just only the thing that I and my sister had/have to lead anti-social life because we did not receive guidelines. Because you see, I see parents in responsibility not only to prevent children from harm or becoming bad people. But also on helping with them when they struggle to make friends. Like going to other's people homes and taking children to have them play with others.

Second thing:

I think that if you do not like my questions just do not answer them. Why go against someone and possibly offend? Giving a neutral answer is the best. Please be assertive. Simply giving an advice " if you do not like rules, move out" is not an advice at all! It's too ambiguous.

Third thing:

Are u a student, or older parent with children? Did you go to 4-year college? If you didn't then how in the world are you going to understand clearly my situation with unbiased views? Please be more specific.

Yes my dear I went to school for 6 years became a lawyer and my husband went to school for 8 years, neither one of us had parents that would pay for school. His parents died years ago and mine well they just made bad choices. See I did move out I got a job (working at a store) only made $8.75 an hour but I worked 35 hours a week plus going to school full time. It does work you just have to make it work, as well you need to read a little closer into our advice you're the one asking." If you do not like rules, move out" is an answer you just have to make due with it, see you are old enough to make your own decisions in life. There are so many people out there who can't live at home because of their abusive parents. Let me tell you something I got into so much trouble in my senior year of high school my mom took my bedroom door down and said privacy is a privilege not a given. I hated my mother for years but now I am glad she was the way she was because I would have never went to school and finished with a law degree. I am not saying you have to be like me or like anyone else, just think about it long and hard. We can only read so much into your post as you give us to read. We are just trying to help

The other thing I forgot to tell you is I understand where you come from when your mom used to say of your not in shape, or "she used to put me down with words (accused) of me having crooked back now being ". I wasn't the perfect dress size which my mother couldn't understand since she was. See my parents are very wealthy people with a beautiful home, expensive cars, and a social life some would kill for, I didn't fit her perfect daughter image and still don't. That's why I moved out and did it on my own; it felt really good to tell her “hey I don't need your money or support”.
I never really had a social life even at University, but I do now and some days I wish I didn't. My husband always had friends over at his dorm and partied, nearly got him kicked out of school. Maybe your mom wants to keep you way from those parties and the whole experience.

Still there is no way to work full time and go to school full-time with keeping high grades. I prefer to take loans on that, but again the interests are high and if payment deffered, then it will accumulate fast at the end of school. I will work toward getting nice scholarship and I hope I'll get some external scholarship. I already can get couple thousands dollarrs in scholarship from school for keeping good GPA! There is one issue that I would want to avoid that in case when I was financially ready to move out and my family pressured to stay in their apartment. It hope it will never occure since I would be able to visit them every 2-3 weeks.

Still there is no way to work full time and go to school full-time with keeping high grades. I prefer to take loans on that,
That's not true, if that what you have to do. I did it for years, no scholarships either. Or help from parents. When you say can't, you never will.

You coulod do like many others before you - take a semester off and work two jobs until you have money for the next semester. My nephew graduated college this last December. Took him 6 years to get his 4 year degree. He took time off for two full time jobs in order to save money. Plus working while being in school and carrying a 3.946 GPA.

I worked all through college the first time and carried a 3.34 GPA. The second time I went to college (for the second degree) I was married, raising a family, working full time and being a full time student. Held academic honors.

It is possible. You have to decide what you truly are willing to sacrifice to make it happen. When you bring up roadblocks, as in whining about your Mother, you aren't going to get very far. There will always be someone to blame.

Oh my dear did you not read what I wrote about going to law school and having a full time job and no parents support? It can be done

First thing:

You all guys are reading too much into my wishes for social life. Certainly, education and other things are important, but being connected with other people is also important as well. Btw in order to work, you have to first study to work, don't you? Not all people have certainly ability to work and go to school, especially when going to school full-time. Besides I appreciate for everything my parents did. Notice that I did not criticize them for everything, just only the thing that I and my sister had/have to lead anti-social life because we did not receive guidelines. Because you see, I see parents in responsibility not only to prevent children from harm or becoming bad people. But also on helping with them when they struggle to make friends. Like going to other's people homes and taking children to have them play with others.

Second thing:

I think that if you do not like my questions just do not answer them. Why go against someone and possibly offend? Giving a neutral answer is the best. Please be assertive. Simply giving an advice " if you do not like rules, move out" is not an advice at all! It's too ambiguous.

Third thing:

Are u a student, or older parent with children? Did you go to 4-year college? If you didn't then how in the world are you gonna understand clearly my situation with unbiased views? Please be more specific.

First Thing: YOU ASKED THE QUESTIONS HERE. We are not here to just give you a feel good answer. Just to make you feel all lovey dovey inside and stroke your freak'n ego. We are here taking our time to try to help you out and you can not tell us what kind of answers to give you. Neutral answer, neutral. Why? Because you might not like to hear the truth and you want to continue playing the pity card and blame your mother for everything. Not going to do it. Get off your _ss and make something of yourself. Make your own way in your world and stop making excuses and just do it.

Joe

First Thing: YOU ASKED THE QUESTIONS HERE. We are not here to just give you a feel good answer. Just to make you feel all lovey dovey inside and stroke your freak'n ego. We are here taking our time to try to help you out and you can not tell us what kind of answers to give you. Neutral answer, neutral. Why? Because you might not like to hear the truth and you want to continue playing the pity card and blame your mother for everything. Not going to do it. Get off your _ss and make something of yourself. Make your own way in your world and stop making excuses and just do it.

Joe

Jesus helper you dumb. I said to analyze BOTH SIDES. Analyzing only one is not completely unbiased. Besides did I blame mother for everything? Did you read carefully my part "Besides I appreciate for everything my parents did. Notice that I did not criticize them for everything, ". You need to buy new glasses. And don't "_ss" me again!

PS. I am glad I posted my same question on Yahoo Answers where I actually I got much better answers than here! Some answers here I very appreciate like the ones from momtobe949 and huno. The others does not deserve good rate!

Tom,

It is apparent that you will not accept any answers that you don't want to hear. We, as parents, (I am a parent AND a college student) are not here to give you the answers you WANT to hear, only the ones that apply to your situation.

You came here with a question, we gave you answers.

Don't like the answers? Then don't ask the questions.

Thats not true, if that what you have to do. I did it for years, no scholarships either. Or help from parents. When you say can't, you never will.

That's not true. As you spent more time for job than for school and homework. It must had influence on your study somehow. It might personally depend on school and major. But I am in Computer Science major and believe me or not it, programming takes a lot of time and especially learning it along with general course studuies!

Jesus helper you dumb. I said to analyze BOTH SIDES. Analyzing only one is not completely unbiased. Besides did I blame mother for everthing? Did you read carefully my part "Besides I appreciate for everything my parents did. Notice that I did not criticize them for everything, ". You need to buy new glasses. And don't "_ss" me again!

PS. I am glad I posted my same question on Yahoo Answers where I actually I got much better answers than here! Some answers here I very appreciate like the ones from momtobe949 and huno. The others does not deserve good rate!
I never called you dumb, never called you names but for some reason you can not handle answers that do not fit your liking. Get off your _ss and do something instead of the blame game. If you read back on your posts that is all you did is blame somebody else. Stop using scape goats and get off your _ss and do something.

Good luck in your future endouvers, and I never name called you once so you're the one that will have the sorry _ss not me.

Thats not true. As you spent more time for job than for school and homework. It must had influence on your study somehow. It might personally depend on school and major. But I am in Computer Science major and believe me or not it, programming takes a lot of time and especially learning it along with general course studuies!
If you focus on the goal, you can overcome the obstacles. My kids said the same things you are, as they were raised in a strict household also. But the dividends are apparent, as they are making their own way on their own dime, and I got the grand kids and early retirement. I raised 3 nieces under my roof also so I know how females can be, especially making them toe the line, and they too are doing well on their own, the youngest being 23, and just graduated. So I know what it takes to make it, and be happy. You can go listen to your better answers, or lose the poor me attitude, and listen, and learn, Miss future computer science major, who still has a long way to go. Seems thats just who you should listen to, the ones who have been there, done that. You can't even get a social life at one of the best schools in the country, in one of the biggest cities. Do as mama says child, and make your parent proud. I got mine its your turn, quit whining and get busy.

The answer is plain and simple. If you don't like the heat, get out of the kitchen. Meaning, if you don't like how you are treated at home, you are what 20, get out of the house you are a big kid now, learn to make your own decisions.

If I remember right, the school you are attending is in the loop, downtown Chicago, if you can't find a social life there, then you will never have one.

Well guys thanks for advices. Even though some of them I did not like, I start think all answers gives me better direction than my private visits to mental health counselor from my college. So far I have been there 4 times and paid $5 (reasonable price) for each 1 hour session. Most of the time the shrink just listened to me but like he couldn't give answers. He has Master Degree in Psychology but is not certified yet so he is under control supervisor to whom he sends the results of our sessions. I am starting to think whether I should stop going me maybe because it justs does not solve problems but instead I refresh memory about things I should forget.

Regarding my parents, I would like to explain why I lost their credibility (however partially, not wholly though) on giving directions for my life. Before I lived in Chicagoland, I lived first year in Massachusetts in western suburbs. We lived then close to cousins. I remember always my uncle coming to our house. He talked with my mother about a lot of things, especially a lot about religious prophecies about the End of America. He referred to "heard things" from Nostradamus or folk stories. They used to say that America is going down, that the war will destroy, etc etc. I heard that there is no jobs, just higher prices, everything blows up. Then they used to say oh that in Europe is much better that in America. That in Germany is better. Oh and that America is uneducated, stupid nation, bla blah blah. I think they said a lot of nonsense. Since I very like this country and I prefer here the style much better than in Poland, it made me feel bad to hear all those things.

After one year later, we moved quickly to Chicago. The decision was made very quickly, within 3 months, I think too quick. I was not willing to move since I had left senior year in high school to finish and there I had some few friends with whom I hanged out on some weekends.( Yeah I kind of exaggerated little bit that I had no social life at all. I had in some part of my history. ) My sister convinced my parents to come to Chicago. In suburbs. I was asking once my parents or sister (I don't remember), shoudn't my dad have first found job and then buy there house and move? Instead, no, she convinced my parents to move, that we can live with her and her boyfriend with their son(now they are married). That dad will have job found and then we'll get the house. Later my parents (and me) regretted that decision to move. My father did not have show for many months. Now things today are much in better shape and have own apartment.

When she argued why I shouldn not take more loan to afford living on-campus housing, one of the reasons she used was that economy is going down. True or false? I think it's false! The cost of living went high but the rise went too, though not as fast as inflation.l

One of the posts said that I should just only now focus on goals, not regrets. I will do that. Thanks!