Do I pick the man I've been with for 4 years or the man that's been on my mind for 4 years!! Here's the story:
I met my boyfriend of 4 years(Tom) around the time I got a new job where I met my coworker(Bob). I had always had a crush on Bob and finally one day I told him and come to find out he felt the same way about me too. Every few months one of us will text the other (because we've been thinking about each other) and we will start this whole "okay we are both going to leave our current significant others and be with each other... but I always get cold feet... afraid of change! Let me tell you guys about both men so that you can get an understanding of both.

Tom- I have always worshiped Tom for some reason and chased after him for a very long time. He changed a lot of his ways for me(drinking a lot and hanging out with the guys) and I really appreciate that. I do care about him and love him but there is always something making my doubt him. He has verbally abused me many times and becomes a different person when he drinks beer... it's disgusting. He has also hit me before but... I have slapped him as well(he deserved it). There are a lot of good qualities about him though, he makes me laugh, he's fun to play around with, and his goal is to make a wonderful life... with me.

Bob- Oh what can I say about Bob... perfect gentleman. Along with this, he is just a wildly funny guy who doesn't care about what anyone else thinks. He makes me feel good about myself and says a lot of very nice things to me. He plays in a band and loves his friends and family. One time he showed up to work with a can of chicken noodle soup and pomengrate juice(my favorite stuff) for no reason... just to make me happy.

Okay, I don't want to make this post too long, so if you guys want to know more, just ask me but I would appreciate any advice on what I should do about this... I love Tom but Bob lives in my mind and heart... who to choose? Thanks guys!

Please help!

That's a really difficult question. If Tom has hit you, that's inexcusable and you should have left the minute it happened. Instead, you just started emotionally cheating on him with Bob. It's also worth noting that Bob is emotionally cheating on his girlfriend with you. It sounds like you're both scared to be alone, to the point that you're both dishonest with your significant others for the sake of the comfort you find in always being in a relationship. So maybe you and Bob should both take some time alone and figure out how to be happy on your own rather than always depending on a relationship to make you happy. Then take it from there. Just my two cents.

I appreciate your answer! However, I am not afraid to be alone; I'm simply stuck between two people. I would honestly rather be alone than having feelings, strong ones, with two people. Leaving someone after they hit you... easier said then done. Bob hasn't always had a girlfriend until here recently, so he is not worried about being alone either. Its more complicated than that.

I don't think any of us can decide that answer for you, you have to chose the guy that you love. And if you love both of them you have to pick the one that you can imagine being with for the rest of your life. But I would think that if you would rather be with Bob you should leave Tom before it gets much more serious. Like marriage, or anything more. If you love Bob and can picture you and him forever than you have your answer.

Well, things are very serious with me and Tom... we have been talking about getting married for the past two years, that's is why it is so hard for me to decide. I love Tom and I don't want to hurt him but I ache for Bob...

Well, things are very serious with me and Tom...we have been talking about getting married for the past two years, that's is why it is so hard for me to decide. I love Tom and I don't want to hurt him but I ache for Bob...

That right there is your answer.

Tom is just the guy you're with for the sake of being with him. You've clearly described Bob using more loving prose than you have Tom.

Plus, Tom hits you? What the hell is wrong with you? You can do better than that.

Well I think you should pick bom he seems like a very good person,and cares for you witch is very good the other guy may have some good things to him but are they good enough for you He dosen't sound like a guy who respects you enough to abuse you or hit you in anyway Did tom ever hit you? But its really up to you who makes you feel good well I should say better
Jessica<3
Give it some\thought

I agree with huno 100%... hopefully talinman will help out with your question... he is pretty good with these types of questions. Good luck sweetie, in a way, I know how you feel!

My advise would be to have some 'alone' time. Some time away from both so you can work out what you from life. Perhaps arranging a change in your lifestyle, new sports, hobbies, new friends, new job? Travelling or short breaks may give you time to reflect. Do not rush into anything.

The fact your confused means you should give yourself some reflection time away from them both. Messing with Bob while with Tom then both of you are cheating on the significant other. Staying with Tom and wanting another is leading him on. Bob is attached and unavailable. And you don't know what to do. None of this is healthy, so Jiser's suggestion to leave them both alone, and get your mind made up is a good idea, from where I sit. If you can't give Tom your full attention, its so unfair to pretend, so you need to end it with him anyway. No butts about it, you should be alone.

I'll go with bob.

Hi there, I think you should free Tom and be on your own for a while for a few months and then think about Bob if he is available

please help!

To reply to your question, well I say BOB should be with the guy you should choose, he seems like the person you really want to be with lol although you asked this question in 2007. I came on this site asking the same question. You are afraid of change, of being alone, of hurting the person we care so much about. But I think you should be with the person you want to be with. For me Im just afraid to follow my own advice. Please don't judge me, but I hope it helps anyone with the same problem.