My mil and bil just moved a mile away from us. Before they moved here, our relationship was strained, now it is damaged. My bil is bipolar and my husband is a workaholic. My MIL is a religious fanatic. She makes up things just to get her way. She likes to control my marriage. My FIL passed away 9 yrs ago. She has gotten worse. My husband is younger than my BIL, and she says my hubby is her rock. She always looked upon me as a daughter, and preaches to me too much. She hated her MIL and is not ashamed to say it. She either tries too hard with me. Or uses my husband to get me mad.

Every time something goes wrong all of them gang up on me and blame me. They clearly have an issue with "blame". Also, my MIL's brother who is now deceased had bipolar issues also. When I met my husband and his family I knew they had problems. His father had cancer and his brother who is bipolar had an issue with drugs. At first he was diagnosed as scitzophrenic. He has been upgraded to bipolar since I joined the family... but his father passed away 9 yrs ago.

I had a blow out with her. I told her she was controlling. I also told her to please treat me as a DIL, not a daughter. It hasn't changed. She lives in a fantasy world.

She is 77 yrs old, and has been planning on dying ever since her husband died.

How can I get her to stop blameing me for things, and to look at me as a person, not a daughter. Sure, its easy to control me better this way. I have thought about leaving, but I had no place to go. I spoke with my husband about her, and he says he can't stand her either. He says ignore her, she's getting old. Its true she's getting worse.

I have to treat her the way she treats me, and its awful. I just can't let her get away with what she does to me. Control and blame is her name.

Thanks, Denise

You can't stop or make anyone else do anything else besides be the person they are.

So don't talk to her, don't call her, talk with your husband, tell him not to invite her over, and you don't go to visit.

So yes, just ignore her completely, you are allowing her to do this to you. No one else can have any control over you if you don't let them.

And no you don't have to treat her anyway other than what you want to.

I know you are not my sister but there are 1000's of moms like that. Mine has been dying since she was about 40 and if you do anything wrong she tells you that you are putting another nail in the carpot, or you are driving her to her grave. So basically my wife has visited my mom twice in 10 years, and I went 3 years once without even calling her, and she knows if she starts, I just hang up.

So you and your husband have to come to an agreement as to what you are going to do.

Thank you Fr Chuck,

Your answer was very wise and honest!


Denise