Ok so start it off... I don't expect any answers, I just want to write this out... maybe someone can relate to this but... I don't think anyone will be able to.

Ever since my parents and I moved across the country to a diffirent province things have been going down hill for everyone.
My dad used to be the nice guy, go out for work for a week and come home see the family, watch a movie, go out for a drive, Normal family stuff.
But when they moved they opened their own company, stress began building between everyone.
Soon all my dad cared about was making money, how to spend it, and worse... how to pay his bills.
Time went on, For 7 years we've been here.
Each year more and more apart, and its only recently withen the last 2 years I've become dangerously depressed, I can't go outside sometimes, I get panic attacks, I can't even socialise with people.
Im embarrassed of myself, I'm paranoid... I have 3 friends, Who I almost never see because they live so far away.
I spend all my days until I pass out at the computer playing MMORPG's because I'm not in school at the moment.
I try to think what ill be "When i grow up" as so often said... and I can't think of anything..
I can't think of what ill be, where ill be or if ill even be alive.
My dad emotionally beats me everyday almost.. from petty insults to calling me retarded, stupied, and that I was a waste of his money from raising me.
Ive asked my parents... I think I started to believe it but..
I asked my mom one day if I actually was retarded but she just replied no, which even if I was... is what she still would have said anyway.
In school.. im not going anymore because I droped out.. I got awful grades because of constant harassment at school.. I've always been the big guy that everyone can push over, so that's what they did.
Since grade 1-10 School was nothing more then insults being thrown at me every day.
I think that because of all this and the way I've been made to think... Im not normal.
I constantly think people are thinking that about me and always thinking the worse is going to happen.
People are really... Mean for the most part I guess from what I've come to see.
Im 17 1/2 and I feel like my life is over, and I'm stuck in this black abyss.
I feel like I'm dying inside every day, I think its really done damage though... I can't socialise with people anymore... I can't relate to people pretty much.
But then you get some people... who are genuinely nice good people.
Which seems hard to come by, They see past you.
You're the guy in the corner all by himself, they'll walk up to you and strike up a conversation when you cant.
But, Enough about that stuff... I really do feel like dying, I think about suicide sometimes but then I get abruptly interupted by the thought of how scary death is and my fear of pain... Im sure there's more I could put down but I guess my mind is just set to "Soft-core" life story telling or something.

Tib.

Um... I also didn't put my real name because I'm paranoid that someone who knows me will read this.

I feel this way many times as well. That's why as soon as I find a girl that understands this feeling and goes through it as well, I fall for them quickly... Many people feels this way believe it or not. But try not thinking about suicide... I must admit that I have as well, but it's nothing but thoughts. Just try new things. Don't play games all day. Try something different. Get a job and be a little more tough with people but also with a smile. Try new things. There is so much to think of and do. Don't know how this is happneing to you. Sit down with your parents and tell them this. There has to be something you can do. Where there is a will, there is a way! Good luck my friend!

Is it the darkness that gives birth to light or is it the light that gives birth to darkness?