So here's my situation, I'm a single guy who has a crush on a married woman, this married woman also happens to be married to my best friend who I have known since childhood, they have kids and seem happily married, it's just that I can't seem to get her out of my mind (I really don't know how long I've had these thoughts because for the longest time I never wanted to think about them, then all of a sudden one day I couldn't shake these feeling for her). We actually live very close to one another (walking distance) and because of our work schedules, we actually get to spend a lot of time together during the weekdays while my best friend is at work, (not doing anything wrong, as you'll read on, I'm the only one feeling these things) so much so that when I've run into co-workers while with her, they assume something's up, which of course is not. I've never told anyone till now of any of these feelings or thoughts, I remind myself of many things, for example: thou shall not covet thy neighbors wife (we live seconds away from each other, she actually is a neighbor), or the platnum rule of never hitting on a friend's, or even, a best friend's girlfriend or wife, or maybe even the island rule, this is the notion that if you were stuck on an island with a woman, regardless of who she was or how she looked, you would eventually fall for her because there was no one else, I am kind of on an island in the sense that I'm single and haven't dated in a bit, and she is probably the closest girl to me right now, so I keep telling myself maybe I'm just feeling this stuff because of how close I am to her and nothing else, I ask myself how I'd feel if my best friend ever tried to hit on my wife if I were married and I realize what an a-hole I'd look like, but I can't stop thinking about her, I sometimes wonder what if I had met her before my best friend, would I be with her, and if I were with her, would I still feel the way I feel for her the way I do today, hmm, I love talking to her, I love her laugh, I can probably talk to her about just about anything or even nothing, the only thing I love more than talking to her is hanging out with her even when we are doing nothing, we have a lot in common, even in our general views about everything, she seems to know me better than I know myself sometimes (probably because of how long we've known each other), regardless, it is kind of nice knowing someone you care about knows you that well, I've had plenty of girlfriends before but there is something very different about her, she's not like any of the other girls I've dated maybe that's why I'm crushin' on her, she's actually pretty hott too, and no, I am not reading anything into any of this, for all I know she only see's me as a friend. And I have to admit, I have had a few dreams about her (guilty)
Because I've known her husband (my best friend) since childhood and we live so close and our work schedules match, we actually spend a lot of time together, I've never even come close to telling her any of this because of the sheer fear of finding out that none of these feeling are even remotely shared by her, you see, she is kind of hott, so she has had guy friends before that ended up liking her and wanting more that just a friendship, she only wanted to be their friend and never even considered anything further (all this wayy before she was married, like in high school and college) so she's used to guys wanting more than just friendship, I never wanted to look like those guys and a part of me kind of doesn't want to let her down if she actually thinks that for once in her life a guy can be her friend and really not want to take advantage of her friendship and exploit it into more,
I'm not even sure why I'm here, I know what the answer will be,
Crushes are o.k. as long as I don't act on them, or I'm probably just having these feelings because I'm not dating and I'm spending too much time with her and not any other women, or I'm just flat out spending too much time with her, I know I know
I am actually quite good at hiding all of this from everyone, I know it may be hard to believe judging by what I've written so far but I guess I'd never risk losing her completely and I would if I were to ever let slip my feelings and it turned out she never felt the same.
Did any of you see the movie "love actually", in this movie there is a story line about a guy who's in love with his best friend's wife and what he does about it, I don't know that movie always reminds me about this whole thing and what I should do, but I know it's just a movie, anyway, I know this can never go anywhere, and must always stay with me, but I guess I just wanted to see what you had to say

Well... you have the right answer. It's a happy family... don't do anything that would harm that. But you know this already.

What you may want to do is get back out there and start dating again.

How could you even think about this? I'm sure you know that it is clearly the wrong thing to do! Try spending less time with her and find someone else... Start dating... Don't be selfish and try to take his girl. He worked really hard for her to the point of marriage which isn't easy. Then all of a sudden, his so called friend is going to try and destroy it? How good is your friendship to any of them if you are even thinking these things. I'm only 22 but c'mon, it doesn't take a lifetime of experience to know this. Sure enjoy her friendship and enjoy her beauty, but don't think anything more of it. Good luck and I hope her husband doesn't find out before you end up in the Delaware river!

I know this can never go anywhere, and must always stay with me, but I guess I just wanted to see what you had to say
Nothing wrong with having those feelings at all. They are yours and no one else's. I have the same for many others, as my friends have great partners also, and its not the feelings that are wrong, its what they lead you to do that may be wrong or inappropriate. Be glad you feel the way you do, and always respect your friends and their wives. One day, the shoe will be on the other foot, and you'll be glad they can respect you and your spouse. Respect is the truest show of love that there is.

Man its in situations like that that make you happy pam and her five sisters are always there for you ;)

Get over your crush already. I am not insensitive to what you are saying but, honestly, you do need to get your mind on better things that trying to screw up your friend's marriage. If you have that much time on your hands, then invest that time in volunteering. It will keep you busy, keep your mind on other people, and who knows, perhaps meet some interesting people who are not married.

Hello Zooropa1985

Your right, you already know the answer or at least part of it. There is a very thin line between friends and Lovers and at times its almost imposible to tell what side of the line your on. Your doing a great job of walking the line and the fact yyour asking this question shows you needed to vent and that's great. Now you know its time for you to take a step back draw the line so your still on your side. Make her a friend not a Lover.

Hope this Helps
Dennis777

To be honest if you have a thing for your buddies girl, break it off. I mean you say

or i'm probably just having these feelings because i'm not dating and i'm spending too much time with her and not any other women

Well than maybe you should stop spending time with her and start spending time with other women. No offence but there are other fish in the sea, there are thousands and the ONE you pick belongs to your best friend, that's a little F**ked up...

If he's really your best friend you'll break it off, if he's your best friend you'll put your feelings aside and stop spending so much time with her, if he's your friendyou'll think of him instead of yourself...

So now a question for you... Is He Your Friend?

Hey victoria
I got it, like I said, I am extremely good at hiding all of these feelings, nobody except you will ever know, so as you can see, clearly he is a friend to me, I know the end, I guess I was just venting

I haven't and will not do anything in this situation, like I said I am extremely good at hiding all of this, for this long, I am going to keep on hiding the rest, you guys are the only ones that I've ever told this about, c'mon if I were really going to do something, I think my post would have been about something totally different, I guesss I was just venting, sometimes it's easier to talk to a complete stranger than someone you know, and I know there is a difference between thinking something and actually going through with it, besides, remember they have kids, I could never look them in the eye if I ruined the family, I could never live with myself if I lost their respect, I'll just suffer in silence
I'll miss her though

You play with fire, you going to get burned. You're all worried about letting her know how you feel because she might not feel the same? You ought to be worried that she might feel the same and you'd betray your friend. No good can come of this. Give it up.

There is no need to be the martyr and "suffer in silence" as you say. You need to pull yourself together. You are not the first to have a crush on a married woman and you will not be the last. You have all the tools in the world to get past this crush. There really is no excuse to be the sad eyed puppy and feel sorry for yourself about this.

Maybe put some distance, some actual physical distance, between you and your friend for awhile. Take a break. Go on a sabbatical or vacation or get invovled in a project that does not bring you to where your friend and his wife are. Do something constructive for yourself.

I've tried this before, I've tried to bury myself in work or go out or on trips (vacations) and all that happens is when I get back I can't wait to talk to her or see her, geez, I know I know, there's a reason it's called suffering in silence, I'll never tell how I feel, hoping it'll just fade away, but it has been awhile, and I will just keep holding my breath, don't worry, I'd never do anything to lose her so I can never tell her or anyone I know how I feel, just imagine what an a-hole I'd look like if I was the only one feeling this way

at this point it would be a huge relief to find out she felt the same way, then at least I would know I wasn't the only one, I know that might not make much sense, guess you have to be in the same boat, anyway, I don't plan on getting burnt, trust me, I can never risk losing her, and if I were to make the mistake of telling her and finding out that I was the only one having these feelings, what an a=hole I'd look like, isn't there a saying about being silent and thinking you're a fool rather than opening your mouth and "knowing" you are the fool, I know what has to be done, and I'm doing it, I can never let anyone besides you guys find out how I feel

Your insecure and you want what you can't have... that way you can't be a rejected.

You might not let anyone but us know how you truly feel but one day those feelings WILL come out, like it or not. And if and WHEN you act on those feelings it could lead to bad things. When you say "I can't loose her" why not I mean she's your "BEST FRIENDS" girl what is the big deal if you stop seeing her or at least don't see unless your buddy is there too. You don't want to be a home wrecker trust me the reputaton can be more then just hurtful.

i don't plan on getting burnt, trust me, i can never risk losing her, and if i were to make the mistake of telling her and finding out that i was the only one having these feelings, what an a=hole i'd look like
What about the risk of betraying and losing your friend? You may think you're keeping your feelings safely hidden, but the more you cherish and nurture them, the less likely they are to remain hidden. Unless you stop this fantasy and turn your attention to more healthy and constructive pursuits, you will lose both her and your friend. In matters of the heart, there are really no secrets. Or as a friend of mine used to say, "There are some secrets that no one knows, and some everybody knows." This is certainly not the kind that no one knows.

As Wildcat use to say" people want what they can't have" he was absolutely right, and this is a good example. Forget fantasy, when it comes to reality.

You still haven't listened to me, huh?