My close friend "Mary" was injured just before a large group camping trip. We were planning to share in all the meals, and share a site (separate tents and taking turns providing meals for the group). She was not sure if she should come because of the lifting involved, and I said, "My son and I can help with the heavy lifting if you come".

"Mary" brought her young teen daughter, "Jane" who is 12, just like my son "Dave".

When Mary and Jane arrived, Dave and I immediately set to work unloading their car, setting up the kitchen, pitching both their tent and our own, getting water, getting firewood, setting up the grill (had to be put together) and so on. It was very hot, and this was a lot of work. Mary was not able to help, understandably. Jane, on the other hand, was perfectly fine, but useless. She carried two or three things from the car, left them in a different place than she was asked to, and then disappeared to other camp sites to play with other kids in our group. I said to Mary, "would you mind asking if Jane would come back and help us finish, please?" She she would, went to get Jane, Jane whined and got out of it.

This went on for a couple of days and finally I snapped at Jane and said, "It is not fair for you to expect David and I to do all the work - if you want to eat, you need to help with dinner." She started whining that she was tired to which I replied, "Jane, if you get up and do what I asked I will be putting four steaks on the grill. If you continue whining, I will cook three - and you can fend for yourself". She helped for about a minute and half, saw a bug (on the outside of our screen tent, not bothering her at all), flew into hysterics and got out of doing any work. Her hysterics exactly coincided with the steaks hitting the grill.

On the final day, my son and I left before lunch because we couldn't deal with it any more - I didn't want to start another project (the meal) with this child acting like this. I left feeling taken advantage of because there is a lot of work involved in just setting up their tent and unloading and loading their car. I was disappointed that not only did my friend not help with the heavy stuff, which I had planned on, she didn't do anythign else, etiher. She did dishes once, said it was "too much" and left me to do it for the remaining meals. I barely got a chance to relax the entire time. With her daughter flying into hysterics every time a bug flew by, acting too helpless to open her own beverage and so on, it really, really got on my nerves.

During the weekend a few other parents snapped at the girl, too. I could tell that her mother was upset with me, and would like to do something to set things right but can't imagine what I can say or do. The kid was obnoxious and I don't condone young girls being coddled when they act all flirty, whiny and helpless -- and I certainly am not willing to do this child's work on future camping trips, so I cannot back down on what I've already said. I also can't have my son do his share when she does nothing - th ey are the same age. Suggestions?

I would say not to go camping with this family again until the Mom can pull her weight. That way - on your nights you do your thing and then on their nights - she will have to do it solo unless she steps up and makes the kid help.
Did this woman not even help cook some meals? There isn't a lot of lifting involved there.

It sounds like you were taken advantage of - you should stand your ground. If anything, this friend owes you an apology, not the other way around.

It's weird because I encouraged her to come when she said she didn't feel up to some of the work, but then after she came I felt she took advantage. We've been friends for thirty years and share a site every year at this annual camping event with a huge group of our other mutual friends occupying several adjacent sites - about 30 to 40 people total.

Our children (my son, her daughter) are both 12 now and another issue is that the girl constantly does things to get my son's attention. He likes to play with her but isn't ready for all the flirty stuff (I understand girls are ready sooner than boys a lot of times). I'm thinking of having my son bring one or two friends next year, and just tell my friend that because she has a daughter the age of the boys, and they are getting older, I think it's time we separate our camp sites.

What do you think?

I would separate from her the next trip, but not make an excuse. Just tell her that her daughter's behavior made it unpleasant for you and you don't want a repeat.

First I am sorry but 12 year old boys now adays are having sex a lot, so perhaps your idea of his not being ready for the flirting is a mothers vision of her son. I don't know any 12 year olds that would not have been in hog heaven over a pretty girl. ( now if she is not pretty another issue there ) Sorry but go over to the sexuality section here and you will be shocked perhaps in what 12 year old boys and girls are up to.

But the issue here is why can you say this is a surprise, if you were friends for 20 years, have camped together for years, this girl did not turn into a cry baby wimp in one year ( well most likely not)
I am sure this is the way this girl has done every year, but since her mom was doing a share of the work, it was not noticed or was ignored if noticed. And the mom just does not want to control her daughter, does not control her at home, and most likely waits on the daughter hand and foot at home. So if you are friends, you would know this, if you visit often with each other beyond a yearly camping.

So you are going to let the fact that you begged her to come, and discovered her daughter does not like to get her hands dirty or work, cause a problem with the mom?
Keep your camping going , but understand if she is hurt again, let them stay home, or be willing to do all the work to be with your friend.

I had the same feeling as Chuck expressed. I can't believe this girl's actions came as such a surprise to you. If you have been sharing a site with this family for several years, you should have known how useless this girl is.

If you want to repair your friendship with Mary, then I would say to her that you are sorry you got testy, but you didn't realize how much extra work would be involved covering for her. Remember, YOU encouraged her to come and offered to cover for her.

It might be helpful to know that while I've known this whole group for all these years, my son and I live in another state from the rest of the group. We see them several times a year, but the camping trip is the only time anything much is asked of the kids. Otherwise we are at a restaurant, or are guests at someone's house, etc. I should have mentioned that last year's trip was cancelled as a few of us adults have parents who have been ill. So, last time we camped the kids were two years younger, and my friend was not hurt so did her share.

Yes, I always found this child somewhat immature but her behavior this year was truly changed, and very shocking to me. For example, last time we camped I brought little plastic bug jars with magnifying glasses in the lids, and this girl was really into catching all sorts of creepy things. This year she had a tantrum if a fly was on the outside of her tent while she was inside of it. Last time, she offered to go get the water several times, and also picked up the trash around the table and site for me. We had nice talks walking our trash to the dumpsters on the other end of the campsights at night. This year, it was a major ordeal for her to put an empty juice box in a trash bag two feet away.

You have hit exactly on my dilemma - I recognize that I encouraged the mom to come injured and offered to help. It's just that the kids helping was part of the deal as we discussed it, and also, she had said she would help more with other things like the cooking and dishes, and then she left those things to me, too. I had the feeling she was kind of faking the injury to some extent because when fun things were going on, it was like a miracle - she could do anything without difficulty. She was taking advantage of me, clearly.

I appreciate the insight about my son and girls, too. I think he does like her - she is very cute and of course, made the most of prancing around in her tiny bikini and teased him and so on. It's just that she was so over the top that it was more than he, at 6th grade, is ready to deal with. He seemed to like a different girl in the group who was a little older and more mature, much quieter, and was taking a different approach - helping him build a sand castle, offering snacks, and generally taking a more subtle approach. He seemed more comfortable with that situation.

Given that you live in different states - I would let it drop. Call her like you normally would and if it is brought up - let her know how you feel. Otherwise, just go on like normal. You have been friends for far to long to let this get in the way. We all have different parenting styles and think we can do it better than the next. (Not that this is how you feel) And it does stink when you really like the parent but the kid is a total brat! And most of the time they come as a pair.

Being a mother of a 6 year old GIRL - they are ALWAYS over the top! I just can't wait until she's a teenager :cool: We already hear about boys and so and so wants to marry her or kiss her! ARG, NOT READY FOR A TEENAGER! :eek:

As they get older - the prancing and flirting isn't going to change. The "cooties" girls seem to have just disappear. So, I would give that some thought when you decide to bring another teenage boy in the mix (if you decide to let your son bring a friend)