Hi,

Ive posted many times on here. Yo can look at my threads. My girlfriend of 3 1/2 years wanted a break and I pretty much bugged her for two months. The first 6 weeks she slept with me she didn't know what she wanted she said. She then said her life was fine and she was happy so I could no longer go on hoping. So I decided to cut off contct with her after two and a half months of talking which got me knowhere but more heartbreak. She would tell me things like I was missing you but that's part of the break up. I was her first love and she said she didn't know if she loved me enough forever. Anyway she was with no other guys and said she just wanted to grow herself. Was very hard for me as she is very attractive and always has guys hitting on her, but says she's not interested and wanted time by herself.

Anyway after a month of not talking to her and well she pretty much told me a month ago LET IT GO.. so I did.
Thought that was the end of it all I was out. She has now called a month later, I did not answer when I first saw the call I just let it ring out, did not want to know or feel the pain again. After 3 and a half months of that I still wasn't over itt but was trying to be by myself and spend some time alone. Everyone told me get out there meet some girls, I tried this for the first two months and did meet girls but my heart wasn't in it, so for the last month I pretty much stayed home on the weekends was prettyt boring, just watched some movies and kept to myself just trying to regather myself and thought a month on my own may help just to move on with things. Although still feeloing that pain of the breakup each weekend was hard but I kept myself entertained and tried to be happy to spend time on my own without having to go out with anyone. It was OK but not that great.

Anyway SAturday night I got a call let it go then I got another call Sunday evening so I picked up and said Hi as time had healed me a little I was a bit stronger and she said how have you been and I said Fine, she asked what Ive been up too and I just said not much.

She then said what are you up to tonight, I said not much she said do you want to catch up. I said what for. She said I want to have a chat to you and talk about things. I said I thought yourve pretty much said everything that needed to be said. She then said Well I've been thinking about things and I've been feeling like there's a void in my life and I realise you are a big part of my life and I just needed some time to find myself and realise what I wanted.

So anyway she came over and was acting really close I just sat back and listened and she said she just needed time to realise what she wanted and realises she wants me to be part of her life. She said she doenst expect me to just take her back and but wants to know if I still want to give it a chance. She said she realises I was a big part of her life and there is a void without me.


I said to her I know she needed the time to work out what she wanted with her life as I was with her from when she was 18 to 22 but I said to her I'm not sure if it would worlk. I said I still care about you but don't know if it would be the same. I told her how we had so many great times and I loved having her as my girlfriend but after all the great things I did for her it has taken her this to realise she doesn't want to lose me. She said she understands and I should think about it. She said she's sorry but needed to find herself.

I said I needed to think about it I don't want a relationship which is on and off I'm not interested in that. She said she understands if I don't want her back.

Anyone know what I should do how I should handle this

Much appreciated

McKenzie,

I think the answer is pretty simple. Well, that is if you know what you want. If during the past month of no contact you were hoping she'd come to her senses and realize that she still wants to be with you, then I say you should give it another shot. You say she didn't start talking to other guys during this time so it seems like she was just taking her time to figure things out. As hard as it is to accept the fact that she needed a break to realize this, sometimes that is what it takes to put things into perspective.

So... if you think she is worth it and you still truly love her and want to be with her, then talk things through and try it again.

If you have moved on and feel that she may do this again to you soon and the risk is too great... then maybe take some more time for yourself to figure out what is best for you.

Is she worth the wait?

She is worth the wait...

But I realise she needed the time to figure this out but I still find it hard how someone could do this to someone they loved...

Im confused and feel she does want me but somehow ifind it hard because we were together for 3 1/2 years and everyone knows we broke up it seems so weird to then tell people we are back together like she gave me up then thinks she can just come back how will my family and friends look at me...

Maybe she just needed some time to realize her true feelings for you. You have been wanting her back since the breakup and she has come back to you, so I say go for it. Give it another try if that is what you truly want. Start slowly and let her earn your trust back. Don't just jump right back to where you left off. This will be a new relationship in a way. Learn from past mistakes. Just have better communication this time. Give one another space too. Each of you needs to be happy both independently from each other and as a couple.

Congratulations. You have an opportunity that a lot of us on here wished for but didn't get. :)

I'm in a similar situation... gf of 2 1/2 yrs. Broke up with me out of nowhere. This just weeks after she brings up the 'ring' talk. Anyway, she starts talking to another guy. I go no contact for a few weeks then contact her and just small talk. Currently on three weeks of NC and still wondering why/how this happened? Just like your situation minus the guy on the side. Of course you're going to ask yourself this and you want answers. Bottom line is this, if you think she is sincere, and you love her and want to be with her, who cares if you have to tell people you're back together... besides, how many couples make it all the way to marriage without any sort of break in the relationship? Sometimes you need that break... However, if you think that she is just creating a temporary fix by trying to get you back, then I can see why you're hesitant.

You say she is worth it. Of course you're going to have your guard up in the early going to protect yourself but you'll soon get comfortable again.

Put it this way... if you don't give it another shot, and you can honestly say that you can go on happily without her and not look back then maybe you should keep on that road. But if you think about her, miss her, and were secretly hoping for this day to come, then it's going to be miserable trying to just move on knowing you could have had her back.

Hi,

Ive posted many times on here. Yo can look at my threads. My gf of 3 1/2 years wanted a break and I pretty much bugged her for two months. The first 6 weeks she slept with me she didnt know what she wanted she said. She then said her life was fine and she was happy so I could no longer go on hoping. So I decided to cut off contct with her after two and a half months of talking which got me knowhere but more heartbreak. She would tell me things like I was missing you but thats part of the break up. I was her first love and she said she didnt know if she loved me enough forever. Anyway she was with no other guys and said she just wanted to grow herself. Was very hard for me as she is very attractive and always has guys hitting on her, but says shes not interested and wanted time by herself.

Anyway after a month of not talking to her and well she pretty much told me a month ago LET IT GO.. so i did.
Thought that was the end of it all I was out. She has now called a month later, I did not answer when I first saw the call i just let it ring out, did not want to know or feel the pain again. after 3 and a half months of that I still wasnt over itt but was trying to be by myself and spend some time alone. Everyone told me get out there meet some girls, I tried this for the first two months and did meet girls but my heart wasnt in it, so for the last month I pretty much stayed home on the weekends was prettyt boring, just watched some movies and kept to myself just trying to regather myself and thought a month on my own may help just to move on with things. Although still feeloing that pain of the breakup each weekend was hard but I kept myself entertained and tried to be happy to spend time on my own without having to go out with anyone. It was ok but not that great.

Anyway SAturday night I got a call let it go then I got another call Sunday evening so I picked up and said Hi as time had healed me a little I was a bit stronger and she said how have you been and I said Fine, she asked what Ive been up too and I just said not much.

She then said what are you up to tonite, I said not much she said do you want to catch up. I said what for. She said I want to have a chat to you and talk about things. I said I thought yourve pretty much said everything that needed to be said. She then said Well ive been thinking about things and ive been feeling like theres a void in my life and i realise you are a big part of my life and I just needed some time to find myself and realise what i wanted.

So anyway she came over and was acting really close i just sat back and listened and she said she just needed time to realise what she wanted and realises she wants me to be part of her life. She said she doenst expect me to just take her back and but wants to know if I still want to give it a chance. She said she realises I was a big part of her life and there is a void without me.


I said to her I know she needed the time to work out what she wanted with her life as I was with her from when she was 18 to 22 but I said to her im not sure if it would worlk. I said I still care about you but dont know if it would be the same. I told her how we had so many great times and i loved having her as my gf but after all the great things I did for her it has taken her this to realise she doesnt want to lose me. She said she understands and i should think about it. She said shes sorry but needed to find herself.

I said I needed to think about it I dont want a relationship which is on and off im not interested in that. She said she understands if i dont want her back.

Anyone know what i should do how i should handle this

Much appreciated
If this is mac daddy then this is odd how we got to the same site. I say follow your heart girly. Well really do you think you should. I mean you know she probably won't just change all of a sudden unless you can sit and tell her really how its going to be.. good luck hun

No doubt I want her back. I have waited in hope for her to realise what she wanted. Its taken its time and patience may have paid off. Many say that we will just fall back into the asame trap and this may be true. If I don not try I will not know. But yet our relationship was full on and I felt I was not pushing her away enough to give her space she does not have a lot of friends as she grew up in the country and moved here for uni. I now realise I will have more of my own life and not let her see me as often. This may sound bad but she needs to find things to do for herself so when she sees me she will be missing me more. I like to see her all the time but I've realised this is not that healthy as I beliueve she sees me a lot cause she's bored and does not have a lot in her own life which was part of the reason she wanted the break...

Im finding it hard what to say to her I knowits easy to say we will try again but I really don't want to just let her come straight back but then I don't want to drag this out but I do want her to feel a bit worried like I was isee no harm in making her wait for a little. I hope this is the right thing I don't want to play games I just don't want to let her have it all her way...

Hi mcKenzie,

I think you are doing the right thing. What can have changed really just in 3 months, she would definitely need a lot more time than that to go through her independent phase.
Tell her to take more time that you both have a lot of growing to do. A year would be a good break to see what your both really want.

I know of a few people in my immediate family who had split up between four years and twenty years. :P They got back together, two of them married the others have been together for ten years.

You need to grow and learn. Three months is not enough time. Do not talk to her in your time apart either!

20 years ! Lol!

There you go mckenzie... start dating her again in the 40s ;-)

Ah no jokes aside, I think you are doing really great hesitating before taking her back. Most of us would have jumped back in there(and I did jump back in) at the 3 months stage.
So really think about this, nothing has changed at the moment, she is most probably bored as you have said and missing you.

Take much more time, while keeping a string of contact. Plus if she has to work to get you back she will think a lot more in the future about about her decisions.

I agree with rol again. Now she's had her fill of single life, she wants that security and intimacy back of the old relationship, without working on the key problems and issues. These will take time to iron out. SAY NO! Have some respect for yourself and in turn she will respect you. She can't just walk in and out of people's lives willy nilly!

To be honest its hard choice your going to have to make. The healthiest is to not have any more contact with her, light contact will only prolong the agony.

I am a bit of a hypocrite though and met my ex last week, had a friendly chat and I collected some money she owes me for a festival. It went well and to be honest It hasn't really affected me in any way, to me she just seemed like some other girl who doesn't no what to do with her life with not allot going for her. Then I had an awesome weekend traveling, camping, drinking, walking, sight seeing etc etc. I don't need my ex, she was a hindrance to me having a great life.

Mckenzie, are you absolutely sure that she was not dating someone else and then the relationship didn't work and now that is why she wants back? I am just looking out for your best interest and don't want you to get hurt again. Being a conselor, I have seen this many times. How do you know that she want hurt you again? Especially since you are just now able to move on with your life, first loves are hard to get over and it is obvious by as many threads that you have written that you really care about her. You have two options which is to forget her and move on with your life until you find someone who you will love again. Yes it will take time but it will happen again, I promice. Or you can take her back, hoping for the best in the relationship but preparing for the worse. I can tell you that when a women leaves you because she sais she needs time to think, whether this is the truth or not there is a big chance that it will happen again. Can you handle this, wouldn't you want to be with someone more committed? Whether this is because she is insecure or whatever reason she needs time to think 3 months is a long time and she should know what she wants.. I mean for example with myself, If I am in a relationship and I love someone what is there to think about, you just know what you want for a fact that you want to be with that person. Like I said you have two choices, if you take her back just be in caution that she may hurt you again and prepare for this or you can move on.


I know a guy who dated a girl and she would always break up for 2-3 months at a time and then get back with him over and over again. I think this women liked having him calling her up begging for her to come back and she said no and then she would eventually say that she was ready and needed time to think. This can destroy your life and you can never meet some nice girl if you are waisting time with her. It seems as though she may not want you to date anyone either and doesn't want you to be happy and this is selfish, this may be one reason that she contacted you back. I am not familiar with your other threads but it takes no genious to realize that you are dealing with a young immature girl and working with many people and helping relationships I have gave you as best adivce as I can. If you insist on being with her, take things very slow and if she does this again you need to leave. It is not healthy for you to be staying at home depressed, you need to be out looking for nice girls. Even if you do eventually start dating someone else it will take time to find someone that you will not compare to your ex and you may think that none are like her or none or as good with your ex but in time you will find someone that will be totally committed and you will be very happy. I can say that with a few of my boyfriends, it took time to find someone that I could talk to and have fun with but it will happen.

Also Mckenzie.. The longer you are in a relationship the harder it is to let go, I know that I don't have to tell you this. You probably realize that if you would have left a long time ago that the pain would be a lot easier. I can since you are in pain because you said that you have written many other threads and you are seeking advice.

You actually do not need advice because you know in you heart what it best to do but when people already know the answer they still seek guidance. (human nature) For instance if my boyfriend hurt me in some way and I come on this thread asking should I leave him, I know in my heart the answer but I am seeking guidance from other people to feel better.

You are putting yourself through a lot of heartache and you probably feel that if you leave her that the time you spent in the relationship was waisted. I don't know how long you was with her but I dated a guy for 6 years and it was hard to let go because I had deep love for him and then I felt as though I waisted 6 WHOLE years of my life. He begged to come back which made me more vulnerable. Anyway you can think of the time that you waisted with someone or more time that you will waist if you stay with them.

If I would have left sooner the pain would have been easier but I stayed even though in my head I knew it was wrong. I thought when dating my boyfriend for 2 years that it was a long time but then you realize when you hit the 6 yr mark how long it is and how many years you would have saved. Anyway you know what is in your best interest and no one can tell you anything that will make you feel differently.

Ive been thinking a lot and I do want to take her back nut I have not done this yet...

I realise now she may have old me lies when she said I need to think about myself. She actually also said that she doesntknow if the ve she feels for me is enough forever...

Maybe she justmeant I don't love you enough but just coudnt say it
Now I think of it when I slept with her 6 weeks ago she said I hadn't felt like this for ages and it wasn't always like this. But I must say we did t all the time and she always toughtit was great and was keen.

So I'm so confused thinking about things she has told me during the break up it just doesntall add up. Its amazing how when she breaks up wit me she can all of a sudden start to lokk at everything like it wasn't that great but yet when she wasointhe relationship wven in the last week she was saying how great evrything was and she was always wanting to see me and sleep together even the nigt before she was sending messages yet few weeks latershe can be like well I wasn't that happy and she was like I don't remember saying that stuff she even wents far as I haven't said I love you for a couple of years yet she said it not long ago. Funny how everything for her seemed so bad once she broke up...
Yet was nothing like this at all in the relationship neveragrued and always fine. Some people I think just are a bit different ad maybe trying to justify things

After all you've been through, take the time to make a decision at your own pace. Its your time to think of what's best for you, and your future. Jiser and brandy have given you some good suggestions, so what's the hurry deciding what to do? Just as she needed time, so do you.

Why do I feel like I need her and alwaysthough how great our livedwould betogether, so smart and attractive whenever we went out I felt great, I have learned to wonder though why is it that when I have her next to me when we go out I feel so great. For one she has never been a girl to be all over me while we are out likeothers have been but this ssems to attract her to her much more. I like how she doesn't crowd me and is so nice and so many people comment that she's such a nice girl and has her head screwed on well. I always think if I don't end up with her I may not find someone as smart and switchdon. It so hard...

Maybe because you feel that you can talk to her without her crowding you and being all over you. You say that when you go out some girls are all over you but not everyone is like this, a lot of young girls are affectionate in public sometimes but not everyone. I am young and I am not like this at all. I know a lot of guys that try to be all over there girls in public and I don't like this either for me personally. I like to go out to the movies, dinner and have great fun and good conversations on dates but I am not one to show deep affection in public. I also notice a lot of guys try to show affection on first dates or when first meeting and I personally cannot stand someone putting there hands on me that I hardly know. I like growing to know someone and then having feelings for them one step at a time but I hate groupey guys! She is probably different to you because you know her so well and feel comfortable around her and are not shy to express yourself. I am personally very shy, attractive but shy but I do feel open on these threads to speak what I feel. Being shy is one reason that I don't like a lof of public affection and I also don't like feeling crowded or uncofortable at ALL! Most guys when they see an attractive girl and go out on a date with them they immediately try to hold hands, put arms around them or even kiss. I would not go on a second date with a guy like this but I would rather go out with a guy that is just a "friend" or someone that plays hard to get. I really understand what you feel but I can promice you without a doubt in my mind that you will find someone better than her and someone that you feel very comfortable around. The decision is yours and you know what the best thing to do but it is hard to make I understand. Just try not to put yourself in a decision to get hurt again!

I don't think mc kenzie intends to put himself in a position where he could be hurt again.

This is why he has had the sense to stop and think before jumping back in.

The girl sounds like a good girl also, I know how she could feel being in a relationship from 18-22 and not really lived the independent life for a while.

4 months is not long enough, so take another 6 months at least to get both your lifes apart and then see if you can restart something together learning from previous mistakes.

Yes the problem I believe here is she doesn't really believe there are any mistakes she just thinks she neeed time on her own, she said tome if I had of broken upwith her she would have been completely devastated, she may have just said it but she said I was her wholelife and she realised it was nhealthy to totally rely on someone but inanother sentence she said if you are with someone you need to rely on them sofigure that out...

Well Mac, I can tell you I have felt the same way about a lady more than a few times, and it made me who I am today. It took 6 months of misery to get over my g/f whom I was with for 3 years, and thought it would be forever. Guess what, met another lady a year later and wow it was great, but it just faded. I was young and not ready, so after a string of relationships, and great dates, and a lot of female friend, here comes my present wife, and we were so ready for each other, and now we have 33 years of marriage (does 'shacking count? ). Not easy going through what life throws at us, but good or bad we go through it. Knowing what YOU want is key and being happy is essential. Whatever you do make sure your happy with it. You don't have to settle.

Yes, Tal shacking counts, but only if you get married, if you don't get married well then it is just a really long date. :)

Wow nice story Tal:)
Yeah happy is good.
So u have been with your wife since you were 20? Wow.

I stand corrected, My wife says I was 21, and she was 19. She doesn't count the first 7 months because she went home most evenings. Whatever.

Talani,man I don't know how you could be an expert on breakups if yourve been with your wife since you were 21??
I find it hard that you had many break ups or relationships before this...

I don't thinkyou have been through and felt the pain of others on here I now think you may just be talking what you may have learnt but not actually experienced??

If you were married at 21 you did not obviously have any other meaninful long relationship where a girl left you, so how would you no what others on here are going through. I have had two relationships one of 4 years and another of 3 1/2 which was the hardest to get through. So I don't think yourve had much heart break at all...

Talani,man I dont know how you could be an expert on breakups if yourve been with your wife since you were 21???
I find it hard that you had many break ups or relationships before this...

I dont thinkyou have been through and felt the pain of others on here I now think you may just be talking what you may have learnt but not actually experienced????

If you were married at 21 you did not obviously have any other meaninful long relationship where a girl left you, so how would you no what others on here are going through. I have had two relationships one of 4 years and another of 3 1/2 which was the hardest to get through. So I dont think youve had much heart break at all...

Who said Tal was a 'break up expert' mac? His title is relationship expert. He knows what goes into a successful relationship. You know why? He has one. A very happy and successful relationship full of many ups and downs. He isn't here to advise people on how to break up. He is here to advise people on how to lead a happy and successful relationship. Big difference Mac.

What you have is a failed one. One that didn't work and won't work.

Don't disrespect Tal and the help he has offered you and so many others. His advice is right. You just don't like to hear it because your still in denial. He never tells you what to do or what to feel. He advises based on life experience what the best course of action would be. He NEVER tells.

So you have had two relationships that have failed. How dare you question tal on what it takes to make a successful relationship. I think you are way out of order.

Oh and yeah. This girl will leave you again if you get back with her. We see it time and again. Nothing has changed. It won't work for the same reasons it hasn't worked previously.

You still think it is a game. I read it in your advice. People who play games will lose!

And you know what, I AM speaking from experience too!!

All I was trying to say is that when he advises to move on and you will get over it. How does he know this if he has not experienced it!! I am not knocking his ability and advice on having a successful relauionship and how to make one work. All I was pointing out is that to know what it is like to be dumped and to move on I believe this has to be experienced and I was just questioning his experience in this matter. I don't believe he had to many girls leave him as he has a successful marriage. Not saying it's a bad thing just pointing out the fact its easier to understand what people are going through if he had experienced it himself which I don't believe he has.

Well Mac , I like you and will keep a reddie, but if you've read my other posts I've been dumped more than a few times, and did have a long term relationship of 3 years, and thought I was going to be married. Didn't work. But those 6 months I was mad at the world taught me a few things, that helped later in life, and you have a right to question who your listening (?) to so no problem. All of us go through the heartbreak of falling for the females (and males, sorry ladies), it's a chance you take, and honestly I've said over and over that first one, is a mother, so when I say get yourself to a healthy place to make better decisions, take that to the bank. And while on the subject, If you honestly think No Contact will get an ex back, as many seem to think, Bet a years salary you wouldn't know what to do if she came back. Most times after we get healthy, we move on to BETTER things in life. So you don't have to listen to me at all, do whatever your heart desires, I'll still be here to encourage , advise , cajole and give a boot to your butt, cause I care, and know better. Oh, Thanks Skell for the support.

I know what you mean if No contact does work you need to have changed the situation. Well in my situation my ex just found that I was allowing her to see me to often. I know that sounds ridiculous but honestly I was ruining my own relationship my allowing her to see me all the time and not do anything on her own. She didn't know a lot of people so she relied on me for everything. Not the normal break up which you see evry day. I don't believe many people leave when they don't have no where to go or anywhere to place there emotions. Which was my reason to myself why would she break up to then be on her own to grow. Really who would break up to grow ion there own I was unsure how she even thought of that. And if it was true then maybe I come tothin of it now she didn't know if she really loved me but because she had nothing else in her life except university and me it made her wonder if she was staying cause she had nothing else...

Which means when I went no contact she had nothing at all. I know if I take her back I will have to push her away to get her to do her own things so she can be hqappy with herself...

Im not sure if that is even healthy but she does not have much of a life except work at night club uni and me, well that seems like a life to me.

Maybe she isn't that into me??

Im pretty sure you'll find Tal knows what heart break is Mac. Ive seen him discuss it in other threads during my time here.

I can understand your questioning it but it just missed the mark.

I still don't think things have changed between you enough to suggest that the relationship will work this time. I don't know you personally but going on your posts and your posts about her I just see the same two people as before having learned a little, but certainly not enough to warrant giving it another try.

To be blunt it just seems like a couple of kids breaking up and getting back together routine. Like they do in high school.

Maybe I'm wrong. Im not trying to be rude. Just giving you some things to think about.

Do you honestly think that you and her have both changed significantly enough for it to work this time and not simply go back to the old ways?

Well I really don't think she has changed much at all. Altghough I sought of believe she does not need to change a lot although doing some more things opn her own may help her. The problem is she always wants to spend her time with me and the hardest part is she seems to enjoy the relationship when I am busy and she has to wait to see me. I do not see anything bad in this but my main problem is whenever she is free she wants to see me but I find if I allow her to do this then she starts to become routine like she is seeing me whenever she can and has free time. Which I didn't mind cause I'm the type of person who can see her a lot and spend time together but when this happens she seems to believe she doesn't know how she feels. Although when I limit my free time and keep busy pushing her to keep herself entertained in her spare time then we work much better.

I know this mat sound confusing but I think what I am trying to say is when I have more of my own life she is more s=keen to be part of it and see me. And when I'm home and give more time she seems to wonder if she really loves me. I know people have said well when your married how does this work. Well its not a problem of seeing her every night I think sometimes the problem is from spending too much time together without missing each other with separate interests. Maybe if I keep up my own interests it will push her to entetain herself and at least wait and miss me more. What you yhink

What you are talking about is a common thing in lots of relationships that aren't working.
One or both people don't have a life other than their partner. That never works for obvious reasons.

It is about BALANCE.

If you are going to give it another try you need to communicate to her that things won't be how they were before.

Of course her interest level peaks when she see's less of you. Human nature. But it doesn't really lend itself to a long and strong relationship does it?

She sounds too confused and uneasy in her own life to be in a relationship. She has a lot of improvements to make before I would consider giving it another go with her. But that choice is yours Mac!

Yes I know I have tomakea choice but I still love her and enjoyed all our time together. My onlyproblem is she does want to spend a lot of time together but in a way I enjoyed that.

Anyay I will think about what you have said and make a decision, I suppose in a way during our relationship I liked that she didn't do a lot cause she wanted to see me. That's probably not right but I liked it.

More time is needed!

Ok if you love her and do want to be with her then you need to tell her what you've said on here that when you spend time apart she wants to see you and knows how she feels and when she does see you all the time she gets confused.

Tell her this and say that if she lives her own life and you live yours and you see each other but not all the time then it may work. Help her find some things to do in her spare time like the gym, sports or things that interest her.

Only you can make the decision. It might not work if you give it another try but then you really will know and won't be forever wondering if it could have worked.

Sory if this is no use to you but I just wanted to give you my perspective.

Good luck
X

I said how I felt to my ex about a month ago. She said she still didn't no what she wanted etc, so basically I am getting the attitude now where I believe its over for good - goodbye :) It will be 6 months in July and I am starting to move on. If she ever wants to come back, which I doubt very much I will deal with it then and there. We are going to a festival end of July, but I think after that we probably won't see each other again. So I guess it will be good to end on a high note.

What has helped me move on so far is keeping myself busy, having things to look forward to, getting out with nature and having fun. Without these things I would not be where I am today.

However whatever issues my ex has or I have its going to take longer than 6 months to iron out and they will take longer for you and your ex to!

I agree with Jiser and Skell and that more time is needed here. I don't think she is ready to be in a relationship with you or anyone at the moment. The things is, you don't want to fall into those same negative patterns that ended the relationship the first time around. Without significant change on either side, it won't be long before it all falls apart the second time around.

mckenzie134 I'm new here and I'm sitting here reading your situation here and man you were given a chance I've been waitting and wishing for, for 4 yrs my friend. You said she's worth it then I hope you don't pass this once in a lifetime chance.

Disagree with you daddy! Four years is a long time to be waiting, stop being a wuss and get a life. Pining for someone is not attractive, be a man like you are!

Mckenzie you need a long time before you even think about going back, she probably merely as said before misses the intamcy, the security and she realises what she had. She has to learn she can't mess people about and you should learn not to messed about. It's a disaster waiting to happen.

When your over her, then only then should you start thinking...

Someone else said on here, I think it was tal.

Why wait for a maybe?

I totally agree.

Also...

By playing the waiting game, not only are you letting life pass you by but you are also devaluing yourself.

Find new jobs wheer you can meet new people, new women who in turn hoepfully introduce to more people, expand your social network, expand your world, your horizons with new experiances and never let down an oppuritnity!

Plenty of life left yet, besides one day you'll meet soemone and you won't look back. In fact your be moaning at fifty about marrige, saying do they ever stop bl00die moaning! So live your life now for your only get it once - blatently :P

Also...

By playing the waiting game, not only are you letting life pass you by but you are also devaluing yourself.

I wanted to agree with myself here but I realised that this site won't let me agree or disagree with myself.

Lol, love thy self!

Jiser I agree, but see what I was meaning is that if her trully cares then go after it now if the chance is there. The situation with me and the 4 yrs. Is over I made my choose she didn't. That's why I've moved on and am starting a new life. That's all man

lol, love thy self!

Absolutely.

But again, balance is important.

Mind you, I will never abandon myself even if I give 110% to myself. I am a challenge unto myself.

I disagree again. Re read the whole thread and his previous. The chance is a stupid one, too soon, it is not even a chance! He shouldn't go back not now, maybe even never. More time is needed.

This time, I agree with Jiser but could not rate you because I've agreed or disagreed with you too much.

OK I understand what you mean

Mac my friend... Just take some time for yourself... Maybe not a week, but I mean go outside and a take a walk, and just think about it yourself for now... The moment has come and it is now your decision! Make the best one, YOURS!

There is no time line for anything in life... Take your time to figure out what you want. She made her choice and now she regrets it. Its good that she realizes what she had but that doesn't mean that you have to take her back right away. A trust was broken. She has to earn her way back... that is if you want her back. That is totally up to you and something that should not be taken lightly.

Thanks for the advice I was thinking of calling tonight. Not sure nowim even confused. 3 months on and still confused. Should have walkedaway long ago but easiersaid than done. If she had cheated I wouldn't have worried I wouldn't want someonelikethat but she's never been nothing but honest, then again she broke up with me to be on her own if she truly wanted meshe would not have left... Im notsure.

DO NOT CONTACT HER! Give it more time. Your regret it. There's no saying what will happen in the future but its best you give it more time.

By T-MAN on 3/28/07

Give her what she ask for and get on with life. When she figures it out then she will let you know, if not you will already have a life with out her. I would not be sitting and waiting for her to come back, so make sure you are moving forward. No doubt that she has been thinking this way for a while.
I went back to your very first question, and this was my response, above, at that time. Since, you have 25 questions and 3 months have gone by. Ive read all your posts and commented on many, yet I find myself still giving you the same advice, in most of the posts. So either I'm spinning my wheels, or you are. Even in going back o your advice to others I have come to the conclusion that if you took some of your own advice, we wouldn't be answering the same issues over and over again. At some point you will have to acknowledge you are stuck, and take positive actions to unstick yourself and that starts (again!) with you cutting of all contact, and working on at least the issues you have with yourself, as you have outlined here at this forum. You must overcome the fear of losing this female, and do some real work on MAC at this point, as every single time you make contact with her, you have new questions, and are as confused as ever. Go back and read ALL your other questions, and see if you can honestly say you've made progress. Let me know what you think.

That was really well said Tal as usual!

Mckenzie, all your questions and analysing indicate a real fear, fear of losing this girl, you are not even thinking about what you want.

This cannot be done without at least 8 months- A year of no contact. When you are in this situation you can not see it, I was also blinded and my focus was not on myself.

Start to get on with your own life and think just about yourself and in 6months to a year you will be in a much better place to think and make decisions, but I believe you should communicate this with her first, so that she knows where you are at also.

Right now the contact is clouding your judgement.

Mckenzie,

Earlier I had said that if you think she is worth it then take her back... I still believe this but if YOU are skeptical, then do not get back in it. It's easier and wiser to keep taking your time than it is to jump back in only to realize its not going to work. But who knows, say you hold off for 3 1/2 more months... there's no guarantee that you'll know by then what you should do either.

mckenzie134 most people would say that I'm a panzy or a whuss but that's because I'm a hopeless romantic, but Ramblin has a very good point. I just wish I have people to go to when I was were your at instead of firureing it out by myself 4 yrs later. All I'm saying is do what your heart tells you to do.

I haven't had time to read all the replies but here's my 2 sense. She has asked to come back? Well I think you are doing the right thing by telling her that you need time to think about it. Wait a month then at the end of the month tell her that you think it's best for the two of you to spend some more time apart say like 6 months!

I made the mistake of immediately taking my ex back when she broke up with me in the past. I believe that has given her the illusion that it's OK to come and go when it's convenient for her. I have enabled her commitment-phobia! Well if she ever tries to come back again I'll tell her that I think we should remain apart for another 6 months. See what she says to that.

You got to be tough. During those 6 months continue to work on self improvement. If you two still love each other at the end of 6 months then try again real slowly. That means no physical contact except for hugging for at least 6 weeks. No kissing, no sex, no spending the night, no groping but hugging is fine. This will make you more of a challenge and leave her hungry for more. Also you are protecting yourself.

all I'm saying is do what your heart tells you to do.
That's exactly why he is in limbo, following his heart, instead of making better decisions from a healthy standpoint, and knowing what he wants and how to get it.

Dreamguy, I haven't had time to read all the replies but here's my 2 sense. She has asked to come back? Well I think you are doing the right thing by telling her that you need time to think about it. Wait a month then at the end of the month tell her that you think it's best for the two of you to spend some more time apart say like 6 months!

That sounds like control not love.

made the mistake of immediately taking my ex back when she broke up with me in the past. I believe that has given her the illusion that it's OK to come and go when it's convenient for her. I have enabled her commitment-phobia! Well if she ever tries to come back again I'll tell her that I think we should remain apart for another 6 months. See what she says to that.
Sounds like control or revenge, not love


You got to be tough. During those 6 months continue to work on self improvement. If you two still love each other at the end of 6 months then try again real slowly. That means no physical contact except for hugging for at least 6 weeks. No kissing, no sex, no spending the night, no groping but hugging is fine. This will make you more of a challenge and leave her hungry for more. Also you are protecting yourself.

Or you wonder where the hell she went and are broken hearted again when she meets a real man that treats her like a lady. love and relationships that are happy don't have the confusion and drama your talking about and healthy relationship don't have one controlling the other. Why not go back to the days when you just hit 'em over the head and drag them to your cave. And you wonder why you have trouble with females???????????

I sαy no.. Being single is so much better plus do you wαnt αll thαt drαmα αgαin?

Well here goes we ended up going out last night for some drinks with some friends and all had a good night. We ended up back at my place and she styed the night. She said she wanted to feel me and well I was a bit hesitant but we ended up going for it anyway. She said she had just needed some time (last 3 1/2 months) to work on herselfand said she was happy that she was more dependent bu missed having me and her life and wanted to see how things go. I said well I've enjoyed the time we spent aprt and have done some things for myself and I'm not exactly ready to rush back into things. I told her 6 months ago I loved you so much but after yourve done all this I'm not sure what's going to happen. Itold her it would be easy to go back to being a couple but am not interested inon and off relationships. She said wel she's sorry but needed to figure out how she felt and she said she justrealise she doesn't want to lose me from her life and I am her best friend and she said its up to you but maybe we can just see how things go for a while. And I said well thsats a good idea Then in the morning I said I had somewhere to be so I dropped her off home gave he a kiss and said bye. So I guess we a rekinda on but ill have to take it slow and see where it takes me I guess. Geez taliman might be right sometimes its easier to just walk away. And if she does come back saying she loves me I would be thinking clearer and no what she wants.

Also Talaniman I don't think I have made much progress in the last 3 months. I now no it would have been in my best interest to walk away from the beginning and leave it me and wait it out. Either way I would have got a clear response what she wanted. All I got in the mean time was her talking dirty on the phone , a one night stand where she told me she had never felt this great to be with me and plenty of uncertainty. How could she say to me one night I haven't felt this good in a long time and then few days later say well I'm not your girl now?? I have looked back on my posts and realise I have been going around in circles for 3 months and still am. I myself may have created all this uncertainty in her every time she did start to miss me I was contacting her which led to more confusion not only for me but for her as well. Which still shows me from my first post I am still left her in in confusion and just after last night this could go on for another 3 months..

I think its time for me to tell her its enough. Its so hard to let someone go from your life who means so much to you what if in another year I regret it, and want her back or want to try again??

She would have certainly lost any feelings she had for me by then wouldn't she??

I realise I'm still on here and still getting your advice and still chasing my tail.

Ill move on with my life which I have put on hold for 3 months and move on now. If I try again and get hurt again where will that leave me. I'm so mad at her case the relationship was going smoothly and she did this. Even after a month apart I wrote in one of my posts how she said she could so easily go back to being a couple with me but it wasn't that easy like that.

Thanks for that reminder Talaniman NO Contact and letting her know what I'm going to do is what I will do now I suppose. Any how after last night I was thinking well we will give it a go. My biggest problem is she is so attractive and I find it hard to let go of that. THANKS.

I know exactly what you're saying - it's really easy to give advice here and the majority of it is good. But at least in my case I think waaaaaay more with my heart than with my head and 99% of the time I'm not like that -only adding to my confusion. Easier to give advice than to take it right?

I've stopped contacting my EX, and left it to her. I know that she's making friends (other guys) and there's nothing I can do about it - I've tried to fight for her but it's not what she wants right now. I even went as far to send her flowers earlier last week and she never even called me to thank me, of course my final message to her yesterday was that I understand it may be difficult for her to contact me right now - and she knows how to get in touch with me if she wants.

Relax Mac, and see what happens. Your both confused.

Im relaxed now will leave it up to her and work on myself for a few weeks, dowhat I should have done long ao but couldn't...

Just continue seeing each other casually and have a good time... No more pressure from here and on... You both need a few good moments together... Maybe that will help the confusion. Try not focusing on the problem, instead try fixing it. And avoid sex for a while. Hopefully she doesn't only want that. Good luck my friend!

Man! I feel for dog! Me and my girl broke up of 7yrs and she took every thing my dreams my hope for her you know, and I too wish there's a day she will see that I was the one for her but what can you do? Now that she left me I have more money and my own place pimp out! But? I still hurt and feel the pain so I use it and work out my hardst and look good for myself, but think you should give it a chance you can never tell,but,but leave a little space in your heart that she might do it again? And if you do get back together? Change it up a little do things you'll never think of doing like shooting each other with paint balls or something

I know exactly what you're saying - it's really easy to give advice here and the majority of it is good. But at least in my case I think waaaaaay more with my heart than with my head and 99% of the time I'm not like that -only adding to my confusion. Easier to give advice than to take it right?


Righthearted, you are so right, I am the same way. It's so easy to follow your heart than with your head. They say your brain can overcome anything, but your heart wants what the heart wants, and it takes time for the heart to heal. Listening to your heart can cause a lot of confusion, and you can dwell on things for a long time.

Even though giving advice is a lot easier than taking it, it helps you heel by giving insight to others and hopefully helping others find the strength to move on. We all must remember to hang in there and better days are ahead.

I'm going through the same thing as the mckenzie and reading what he is going through and the comments he is receiving I feel like a complete idiot always taken my girl back every time she wants time and I'm trying to get married and have kids. My boy am broken up now and I'm glad I got on here Google this question to hear these responses it really help me its not going to be easy but I'm going to do it can't keep hoping I need to know am 32.