I'm not sure I'm looking for advice, more like a place to vent because its not something my friends will understand. I dated my friend's brother for about a year, we broke up because it was too serious and quite honestly, neither of us knew what we were doing. I was in love, he wasn't sure he was ready for that kind of commitment, he wanted to date around and see what else was out there. We tried being friends immediately after our relationship, which worked tentatively for a few months but ultimately ended badly and we stopped talking for 3 months.

So after the 3 months, we started talking online again, then hanging out. Hanging out eventually led to hooking up (think-everything but sex.) and when I told him I still had feelings for him, he said he didn't believe in dating the same person twice. Understandable. He even said I should give other guys a chance because he had been my first and only boyfriend. I waited a year after we broke up, hoping we could reconcile. Looking back, that was a very juvenile decision and waiting did nothing except waste time. (We dated when he was 20-21 and I was 18-19) and that was fair enough to point out. I told him I wanted to be with him, he said he didn't want a relationship with me or with anyone at that point in his life because he didn't want anything serious. I said okay and went ahead to go on another date with another guy. He was annoyed or maybe its an ego thing but said, "You don't have to date anyone. I'm not going to." 2 weeks later.. he was seeing someone. Asks about the guy I went on a date with, I explained it just didn't work out. He insists that he and the girl aren't serious and we should hook up, I declined because if there's someone in the picture that just didn't feel okay with me. Its not fair to her or me. So a week later he makes it a point to tell me she's now his girlfriend and they're serious. We had a huge fight about it.

As for NC.. I don't believe in using it as a game, I believe if someone wants to talk to you they will. If they don't, let it be. In this case, its been 4 months since we've talked, 6 since I've seen him face-to-face. I've dated a ton of different guys, and I've gotten over it and him as much as one can ever be over their first love.

So today, my friend (my ex's sister) and I are sitting in the window seat of dunkin donuts when her brother walks by, sees her, and comes inside. He says hi, makes small talk, he's walking up to meet with one of his guy friends. His friend comes in, says hi and they leave. An hour later she and I are still talking and the guys come back in except this time, they sit at the table next to ours and ask what we're talking about. Girl stuff. He makes more conversation, I don't say much because quite frankly, its been 4 months. Greeting him with open arms wasn't going to happen. The one time I had run into him was about 2 months after our fight where he and I used to work. Neither of us work there, but oddly enough, its where he met his new girlfriend as well. So, she was working, I was visiting old friends not knowing he or she was there, and he was picking up a last paycheck. He has us both in the same vicinity and he spent more time talking to me than he did with her. Something I felt guilty for because he went and said hi to her then spent the rest of the time catching up with me and asking if I was walking out when he was. I didn't. I just watched him go and got the hell out of there once he was gone. 2 weeks later (while she's his gf) he texts me saying, "remember when we used to..." and I didn't feel right saying anything because I don't know this girl, but I wouldn't want that done to me.

Since I'm still friends with his sister (I knew her long before I knew him) and we live 2 blocks away from each other... I knew eventually one of those awkward run-ins was bound to happen.


Needless to say... I was caught off-guard and after not seeing someone who was that much a part of your life in so long? It threw me. He's still with the girl he was with, I'm assuming its going well since its been 6 months. His sister has said time and again he has nothing against me, that if anything, he knows he f'ed it up. But I guess my question is... how do you stop wondering about the other girl? Stop questioning if he likes her more than he ever did you. Stop questioning if she's a better girlfriend? If she's making him happy and doing things you should've but never realized? I've come such a long way since everything, but I think actually being confronted with the person is like a test. Have you really moved past it? I haven't thought about this in months. I thought I'd sealed the door shut because of all the hurt and pain that I just don't want to relive...

I just needed to vent =/

And you can vent as much as you like. LOL

I think you've maintained yourself very well.

It's not that she is a better girlfriend than you were, or if he likes her more, or
That she even makes him happier, sometimes relationships just don't mesh even though there is nothing wrong with the people involved.

He probably doesn't have anything against you, and never did to begin with.

It takes a while to let go of the feelings for a first love, but there is good news... One day you'll meet someone and realize "oh yeah, this does feel different".
You're on the right path!

Anyone who writes as well as you do has my undying respect. You might be able to turn your post into a piece of flash fiction!

Anyway, it's been 40 years and I'm still kind of working through my own first love disaster--not in an obsessive way, not every day, but now and then something (like a song or seeing mention of a movie title from the 1960s) reminds me of regrets. Maybe it never really goes away...

and you can vent as much as you like. LOL

I think you've maintained yourself very well.

It's not that she is a better girlfriend than you were, or if he likes her more, or
that she even makes him happier, sometimes relationships just don't mesh even though there is nothing wrong with the people involved.

He probably doesn't have anything against you, and never did to begin with.

It takes a while to let go of the feelings for a first love, but there is good news...One day you'll meet someone and realize "oh yeah, this does feel different".
You're on the right path!

Thank you both for your replies... and for the compliment on my writing. I actually started as an English major, but that's besides the point lol...

With us... we didn't "mesh" because I wanted a relationship and he was never in it completely. He even said our age difference was a problem because he wanted someone older with more experience, and I respected that. The girl he's seeing now is 19 (a yr or so younger than I am) and he's turning 23 in 2 weeks. She seems like a very nice young woman, but another thing I came across? When I was hanging out with his sister we stopped by her house when he wouldn't be home a couple of weeks ago (she's empathetic to the situation) and we were upstairs in her room. His room is right next to hers and the door was open so just passing you can see the dominant wall. I'd never go in there, as that would be an invasion of space/privacy; however, I did see the star I'd named after him still hanging on his wall. I know its probably a trophy, an ego boost to remind himself its from someone who was head over heels for him, but... that tugged at my heart a bit. Its been about 2 years since we dated and he still kept it. Not only kept it, but kept the certificate hanging on his wall where its always been.

Last year for his birthday, it was right around the time we'd just started talking again and I made him a birthday card since I wasn't working at the time. I walked over and gave it to him, he was surprised (admitted months later that he kept it), we hugged, talked, hung out and hooked up a week later. So if we didn't mesh... I guess what I don't understand is the in-between. He moves on, I move on, yet when we start talking/hanging out again we end up in the same place. Granted, I'll probably never hear from him again after today, but it did get me thinking about the past. Before he and this girl got together, he'd send me lyrics and I (being overly analytical) thought they meant something. They were all love lyrics or missing someone and wanting it back so... I asked and he said I was wrong, that it didn't mean anything. Fair enough. In 2 weeks, I have no intentions of doing anything for his birthday this year because she IS in the picture and That's reality. But it feels good to come here to this site and just... let it out. The star certificate... was a huge moment in our relationship, one that neither of us ever forgot. I'm guessing all it is is a memento, but if he has a new girlfriend... shouldn't he not have that and everything else from me around his room?

As for your first love wondergirl... thank you for being so open about not truly being past it. I honestly don't believe you will ever be over your first, you just learn to deal with it differently.

I've met and dated plenty of guys since... I just don't understand why my stomach still flops, you know? Or if I hear the songs that he used to send... its bittersweet. I don't know. Now I'm just.. rambling.

You prob;y will never get over your first love and may feel like you will never love someone like that again...

This may be true but over time you will learn how to handle the feelings.

You may meet someone new and fall in love with them and live your life together and you may say one day I still loved my ex the most but that is a part of life...

My ex girlfriend who I loved she told me she only tells the person she's going to spend her life with that she loves them I don't know how she worked that out she told me she loved me then dumped me. But well some people hold the feelings in so if it doesn't work out they won't be as hurt, I was with her 3 1/2 years and she held it in, Some people deal with things in different ways...

I think your very mature about this whole experience, and its so normal to have thoughts of the first serious love. Just don't over think it, and start to ask questions only he can answer, like what's in his room. Other than that, you sound so mature and emotionally healthy. Many in your shoes over think things, and end up in a state of unhealthy obsession, preventing them from dealing with the realities of life, and get stuck in there own fantasy.

Despite being mature and taking it all in stride, I'm conflicted with the same thing many others on this board are conflicted with: His birthday is this week, do I text him a simple Happy Birthday after months of not talking? I feel that is disrespectful to the new gf; however, in September he called to wish me a happy birthday so I'm not sure if the cordial thing is to return the gesture?

I vote no. Your birthday was in September; now it's June. You've moved on.

UPDATE: I didn't contact my ex on his birthday, and ended up respecting myself a lot more for it. I also felt stronger for not being weak and contacting him, though I was tempted to. I do still love him, and I know that any contact would just result in the cyclic effect because it will show once again, I'm there. I hope it does show him I'm not that same weak, whipped, took whatever she could get girl. I also think that if anything were to ever come from this situation, it would have to be him seeking me out, as I've done so more than enough in the past. If not, I at least have myself respect and I do just fine out on the dating scene without having to dwell on if he'll come around or not.

I think it's a great idea for all of us to come here and support each other! Here's my story, since we're war buddies and all... its long, but it flows if you take the time to read it to maybe understand my situation and offer words of encouragement/support/opinions, etc.

My situation is kind of different, as I wasn't the dumpee, more like it was a mutual breakup 2 years ago. We dated for 10 1/2 months, broke up, stayed very close right after breaking up, and eventually had a falling out. He'd been blowing me off, then, being all cute with me until he blew me off for a girl he'd just met. Then, reamed me a new one because things with them didn't work out and he went on to list every single thing that was wrong with me and how he would find someone so much better easily. I said that if he felt that way, it wouldn't be much of a loss for me to no longer be in his life. How could I stay friends with someone I still had feelings for who could try to make me feel so low about myself? So 3 months of no contact was relatively easy, until his college graduation came up. Since we live 2 blocks away and his sister is (til this day) one of my best friends (we were friends long before I dated her brother), I thought about sending a card but decided to just send a simple text. That opened up Pandora's box, as we began talking daily online.

Please correct me if I'm wrong, but he would send me lyrics to songs line by line( only certain parts of the song not the whole thing) and they were all about missing someone you love, trying to be with someone new but still wanting the other person back, etc. He used to do that when we were dating, send me a text with lyrics that he said reminded him of me, so I thought that was the case here. Or he would tell me to download a song, and we talked like everything was fine, still calling each other by the nicknames we had while dating. When I asked him if it meant anything, he became extremely defensive, saying they were just songs he liked, that it didn't mean anything. I accepted that, but told him I was still in love with him and wanted to try again.

His response was he wasn't ready for a serious relationship with me or anyone and that he felt things with us always turned serious whereas he could be dating around and having fun. A couple of weeks later, we went to a movie and a drive, listening to music. Another night we went to the beach and drove around just talking. Each night ended with us hugging, until one night we ended up hooking up. That led to more nights of hanging out/hooking up, and I thought something good would come of it. At that point last summer we'd been apart a little over a year, he'd been with other girls and I hadn't dated around much. I let it ride out a little bit to see how things progressed on their own, but felt we should talk about it before things went any further.

One night I brought up getting back together and he said he would never date the same person twice and whereas he knows I'm "always there for him", he just didn't want a relationship. He said I need to "give other guys a chance." So I did exactly that and went on a date with a guy who had shown interest. When my ex asked about the guy I was upfront with him and said I had gone out with him, and he was visibly annoyed. He said, "You don't have to date anyone! Its not like I'm going to." Considering he'd just told me he had no intentions of dating the same person twice, why should I put my life on hold? So, I continued seeing this new guy and my ex went off on me online one night, saying how I should "share the wealth" and hook up with him (meaning he was saying I should hook up with the guy I went on a date with, being a real jerk about it), making me sound like some kind of floozy.

For the record, I didn't even kiss the guy, let alone anything else. He chose that moment to tell me he'd met someone, too, that she was a year younger than me (she's 19, 3 years younger than him-then 22) and that he "really liked her" and hed "kissed her right after they hung out for the first time." 2 weeks later... he said she was his girlfriend and they "were serious" and was annoyed that I didn't think we should talk while he had someone in his life. When he found out things didn't work out with me and the other guy (he was hung up on his ex, too, go figure), he suggested I come over and we hook up. I said no, he apologized. A month later I get a text from him saying, "Hey, remember when we used to . . ." filling in the "..." with a sexual reference. That's the day my NC started. I didn't justify that text with an answer, he was seeing someone and I have a black and white mentality when it comes to cheating: you don't do it! Nor do you insult me AND your girlfriend by continuing to try and be cute with me while seeing her!

I've dated other guys, I've spent the last 4 months rebuilding myself, as it felt like breaking up all over again after spending 6 months hanging out/hooking up/being coupley. Last week, I was at a coffee shop with his sister hanging out and he was passing by, saw us, then came in just to say hello. I was cordial, though caught off-guard as I haven't seen him in person in 6 months, hadn't spoken in 4. He acted normal, a little goofy, a little flirty, but then left. He returned a half hour later with his friend, this time taking the seat next to us trying to make conversation. Neither of us (his sister nor I) acknowledged him outside of his general questions about how long we'd been there, what we were discussing, how I was, etc. just went about our conversation as if he and his friend weren't there. I wasn't about to let that throw me off balance, and I still haven't contacted him, nor has he contacted me. Last night was his birthday, and though I was extremely tempted, I didn't even text him. I figured that if I DID acknowledge his birthday, he would have the upper hand in thinking, "wow, she's just waiting around for me."

Part of me thinks I should be mad, part of me wonders if he still has feelings for me and knows that shouldn't matter. He IS a good guy, and I tried being his friend last summer, but every time I let him back in I end up getting hurt all over again. And not in an I'm-the-victim way, but how many times do you let yourself go crawling back to someone before you find the self-respect to grow a backbone and stand up for yourself?

I apologize for the length of this, and the candid disclosure of any/all events above, but I do thank you for creating this thread.

Any comments on my situation... would greatly be appreciated. I know everyone has their own issues to deal with, but I still have my days where I question if I'm doing the right thing. I still have days where I wonder if this new girlfriend is being treated better than I was, and why he got with her so soon after telling me he didn't want a serious relationship? Thoughts we all have...

Is that to say that he didn't have feelings for me the whole time we were getting close again? Part of me recognizes that anything real scares him, as he's told me more than once that every girl following our relationship has "just been there." With me, it scared him because I was the first person to ever get that close to him, the first to ever say "I love you" and mean it, and he knew I wasn't going anywhere.

His biggest complaint about me was that I always have to talk about feelings and emotions, that being in a relationship took work and he wasn't ready for that. He wanted to "go out with a girl and talk about **** that doesn't matter."

Sorry, not trying to defend him, but I always figured it was that I got too close and he got scared because he wasn't emotionally mature enough to face his feelings. One thing that always stuck with me that he said months ago was that when he starts to feel something, he can take detach himself from a situation so that he doesn't have to feel anything at all. Especially when it came to love because he didn't know how to reciprocate that with anyone, other than his family, and he wasn't sure he'd ever be ready for it.

Wow sounds like you are adjusting very well, and are doing great, so I wish you continued success, and you find the happiness you deserve. And thanks for letting us know that when things are handled in a healthy responsible way it comes out pretty good.

Forget him... You know you're better off.

Study this:
Guide to second chances. - LoveShack.org Community Forums (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t84894/)

You don't sound like a girl that should be left on the back burner to me. Respect yourself, like you said, and don't accept second-class treatment.

Anything anyone wants to say... more than willing to hear it. It helps to hear someone else's perspective on things...

This guy does not want you but does want you. Can you see the problem? He cannot make something with you but he does not want anyone else to either. He has some serious issues and you are better off to stay away from him. Seriously.

Meeting other people, even if you do not date the guys, is important for you to do. Getting involved in different activities so you meet a wide variety of people - guys and girls - so that you see life from different angles. If you have extra time, volunteer that time to someplace that would appreciate you.

You do not need to be on a yo-yo with this guy. He is running your life, whether you want to believe that or not. Get your life back and stay in charge of your own life - do not ever allow someone else to mess with your head like this guy does.

This guy does not want you but does want you. Can you see the problem? He cannot make something with you but he does not want anyone else to either. he has some serious issues and you are better off to stay away from him. Seriously.

Meeting other people, even if you do not date the guys, is important for you to do. Getting involved in different activities so you meet a wide variety of people - guys and girls - so that you see life from different angles. If you have extra time, volunteer that time to someplace that would appreciate you.

You do not need to be on a yo-yo with this guy. He is running your life, whether you want to believe that or not. Get your life back and stay in charge of your own life - do not ever allow someone else to mess with your head like this guy does.

That makes a lot of sense, and I appreciate your honesty. I guess my question is, will his new girlfriend get treated the same way? For example: Recently, he was talking to a group of people he hadn't seen in awhile and mid-conversation, the girl came over, grabbed his arm and led him away because she wanted to leave. I just want to know if it's a "me" issue that makes him want me/not want me or if its just him?

This is bugging the hell out of me. My friends girlfriend is 19, I'm 21, he's 23. We all worked together, until he quit to pursue his career. Nevertheless, he'll come in and hang out, talk to everyone he used to work with and I guess to see the girlfriend as well. A bunch of us were talking to him and the girlfriend comes over, takes his arm, & goes, "We're going to lunch." Then pulls him away. I'm 21 and I've never treated a guy I'm dating like that, and what bothers me is she pushes him around like she's the older one in the relationship. He's my friend and no-I don't have feelings for him like that, but it grates on my last nerve to see that he'll let this girl kick him around. I'm close friends with his ex-girlfriend and she treated him so much better, even he's said that. So why be with this 19 year old, clingy girl?

People don't change because you want them to, they only change when THEY want to. In your case... he didn't change his behaviors and doesn't seem to think there's anything wrong with the way he acts. So its very likely he will have the same behavior with the new girlfriend, as he hasn't done anything to work on his issues. You can't fix him, his issues are HIS issues.

You state that she's 19 and he's 23 and she leads him away while he was talking to people? She's immature, and obviously sounds clingy. He will only continue to put up with that to ease the situation, to go along with it for now to keep things going smoothly. He obviously has self-esteem issues if he'll let someone do that.

Be happy he's out of your life!

Jealous and possessive and you're not even a couple. Friendship, like relationships takes effort from both parties. It looks as though he is still wanting to have other relationships, but would like you there as some sort of 'comfort-girl'. He knows you're there for him and thinks he can hook-up with you at whim.

Is he really someone you want to wait for while he is 'maturing'? He has repeatedly treated you poorly when its obvious to anyone reading that you deserve better. He may be a good guy as you say, but his actions ae immature and insensitive to you. What makes him so special that your willing to go through so much hurt? Has he changed in the time that you have known him?

It's hard when you have a history with someone. At some vulnerable moment those old feelings surface and you're in for a world of hurt as has already happened. Does it benefit you in some way to remain friends?

As for the new girlfriend most likely he is using her as some emotional crutch. Sometimes we're in relationships not for the love, but just for the intimate contact with someone else, so we don't feel so alone. And it masks old hurt. But does it matter? He has another girlfriend. Maybe he treats her better. Maybe he doesn't. Point is he is with someone else, and he made it clear that its not you, and he tried to press the point by saying it was serious so soon after saying that he doesn't want a serious relationship to you. That shows malice.

Someone gave me some advice about differing wants/needs in a relationship. You want a serious relationship and be free to talk about feelings and emotions. He wants a casual relatioship where he can get laid and talk sh*t. You know it'd never work. You've been there before. People don't change (much).

Staying friends just leaves the opportunity to be hurt again. And having hang around my impede you from forming new beneficial relationships. You did just fine for 4 months without him. I think you can do just just fine without him indefinitely. You sound as though you haven't completely let go. You deserve better.

To begin with, I think he's immature. The episode where he rattled off all your deficiencies is very telling.

Given that, I think that he isn't really ready to handle true relationships; rather, he's still struggling with his emotions and can't reconcile them. He probably does like you--to a degree--but it seems to me that there are other girls he'd like to be with and so can't make a commitment. There are probably things about you he doesn't like, others that he does, and so it is with other girls he meets. There's probably not one that is 100% to his liking so he skips around between whichever girl will give him some attention.

So, that's him. YOU, on the other hand, are clearly still attracted to him, even a little infatuated. You've tried getting back with him in the hopes that you can re-build the commitment he once had, but I don't believe that's possible with him. He doesn't want a commitment--he wants to gratify his emotions in the moment. That's why you two were hooking up instead of being a couple.

You are best off without him, unless you're okay with being his on again-off again girlfriend.

Seriously,
You shouldn't bash on people that are younger. I'm 19 VERY clingy<< that's a good thing by the way, my boyfriend tells me he LOVES the fact that I can't get enough of him>> and my boyfriend just turned 24. Now that I've said that...

Did you ever think that maybe your friend is in love with her or sees something you don't? Personally I don't let my boyfreind hangout with other girls either especially girls that are "just friends" and to be on a harsher tone it's none of your business and there is nothing you can do about it if he really loves her. You can tell him how you feel but I garentee you that if you do that he will tell his Girlfriend what you said and then she won't let him near you.

I understand you care about your friend and you don't want to see him in a relationship where his girlfriend is his owner. But you need to let him handle the situation, if he loves her he will not care if you or anyone else will tell him to let her go, and if he doesn't he will break up with her soon enough.

Wow... I was 19 and clingy once too. Guess what? It ruined relationships until I realized that it's not very healthy. There's a VERY thin line between clingy and needy.

The first response actually got closer to the mark than she probably thinks: He's with this girl because she gives him a TON of attention.

Either she'll out-grow the clingy when she gets more confident in herself and the relationship, or he'll get sick of it and break up with her.

As far as the girlfriend not letting you around him at all if she finds out what you're thinking, that goes along with the low self-confidence. If you love and trust your partner, you let them choose their OWN friends. If she gets to the point of choosing them for him (even by elimating them because she's unable to trust that they're not after her man), well... hopefully he wakes up by then.

Hopefully he's smart enough to realize that if she's telling him he can't hang out with someone because they're of a different GENDER than he is, he'll really realize that what she's saying is "I don't trust you" and break up with her.

This is bugging the hell out of me. My friends girlfriend is 19, I'm 21, he's 23. We all worked together, til he quit to pursue his career. Nevertheless, he'll come in and hang out, talk to everyone he used to work with and I guess to see the gf as well. A bunch of us were talking to him and the gf comes over, takes his arm, & goes, "We're going to lunch." Then pulls him away. I'm 21 and I've never treated a guy I'm dating like that, and what bothers me is she pushes him around like she's the older one in the relationship. He's my friend and no-I don't have feelings for him like that, but it grates on my last nerve to see that he'll let this girl kick him around. I'm close friends with his ex-girlfriend and she treated him so much better, even he's said that. So why be with this 19 year old, clingy girl?
Some Guys Like To Have Someone Else In Control

First off, thank you all for your responses and honest opinions.

After my ex's birthday passed, things settled down and I was back to paying attention to work/registering for fall semester/hanging out with friends/etc.

I think part of my problem is that I think about things that I have no control over, and I get caught up in the past. Specifically, thinking about the good times, thinking about things I should have done differently, compliments, put-downs, everything.

Part of the problem is since we live so close to each other, I can be driving down the block and we'll see each other. Or the local supermarket. Its inevitable.

Another part of the healing process for me has been working on my self-esteem, which has improved but its hard to block out so much of what's been said. I hear it from my friends and my closest guy friends that any guy would be lucky to have me, that they wish their girlfriends were as easy-going and as open as I am... then why am I still single?

Not to sound too personal, but I have major hang-ups when it comes to being intimate. I've had sexual intercourse with 2 guys, the first one being my ex the second a drunken error in judgment. While being intimate with my ex, he was a virgin as well, but he would make typical guy comments. One being that my breasts didn't "go up and down" because I'm flatter chested. Not completely flat, but apparently, not well endowed enough I guess.

Each time we would have sex, my boyfriend at the time would say he wanted me to be on top, which I did. I'm physically fit and very active because keeping in shape is important to me; however, I've always been self-conscious of my abs because they've never been completely flat. They're toned, but its something he knew was a sore spot. One time he commented that I could "stand to tone up a bit" which caught me off guard since he knew I attended the gym regularly. So I continued working out, focusing more and more on my diet/abs. This guy was NOT a horrible person, he was just being a guy and he's always been a little outspoken. As part of his way of flirting he used to poke me, usually in the stomach. He'd insist he didn't care about my abs, which I half-believed but still doubted. Anyway, if you've read my previous threads you'll know we stopped talking for awhile after breaking up and were back in contact last summer.

When we first saw each other, I made a joke about him getting a beer belly. He's 5' 10" and toned but still thin. Him having a beer belly is damn near impossible, and he laughed it off but then says, "Where'd yours go?" I'd been working out ever since the breakup, I definitely lost more weight than necessary after the breakup and it showed. I liked that he noticed, but while hooking up a couple of months later he was feeling up my abs and complimented me. Then, before leaving he kept poking me in the stomach, feeling how hard they were. Where am I going with this? The girl he is now dating is 2X my size and apparently treats him badly, same with the gf he had before this one, yet...he could criticize my weight/tone, say I was "the best he could ever hope for" and I'm the one he didn't want back? Just venting on that part...Something thats confused me for quite some time...We slept together a total of 6 times in 10 1/2, mostly because I refused to let him penetrate without a condom.

Another guy I'd dated, while making out, commented I was too skinny. Going from my ex who would say I need to tone up/ask about what I did at the gym to a guy saying I was too skinny was weird. I wasn't underweight, I was normal, yet it was while we were shirtless so I felt uncomfortable. We dated briefly, but I was never comfortable with my shirt off while with him. Nor did I ever sleep with him, though he wanted to.

The second guy I'd ever slept with was while I was extremely inebriated. We started making out and it went a lot farther than ever intended. Since he was only the second guy I'd slept with, I told him to go slow, as I was still very tight. He didn't. He had trouble keeping it in, tried again, it still hurt, until he just gave up. I take full responsibility for my actions, as it takes two and despite being drunk, I said yes. That was my fault, so in part, I got what I deserved.

Now...I don't feel like I'm at a point where I wouldn't be comfortable having sex at all because my past experiences have made me feel self-conscious and I don't want to be in a situation (again) where a guy makes negative comments about my body. I had an eating disorder in high school, and I need to be with someone who is sensitive to that fact. Not someone who asks, "So did you have a six pack when you didn't eat?"

Has anyone else ever had this problem, overcoming past put-downs during sex!

I hear it from my friends and my closest guy friends that any guy would be lucky to have me, that they wish their girlfriends were as easy-going and as open as I am...then why am I still single?

Well, maybe you're not putting yourself in a position to be approached, or the way you carry yourself is off-putting. I know a lot of girls who complain they're still single despite who they are (attractive, personable, funny, etc.), and it has to do with the idea that they look kind of cold, uninterested, or possibly even hostile. You haven't said that you are, but you might check yourself.

Or you may not be around areas where there are single guys. I'm not saying you should rush off to the closest Star Trek convention, but maybe meet your closest guy friends' guy friends. Go where single guys go. Do what single guys do (minus the farting).

Finally, maybe take the initiative and meet guys on your own. Most guys have no problem with being approached... hell, I wish women would hurry and start doing that so I don't have to do so much work.

Well, maybe you're not putting yourself in a position to be approached, or the way you carry yourself is off-putting. I know a lot of girls who complain they're still single despite who they are (attractive, personable, funny, etc.), and it has to do with the idea that they look kind of cold, uninterested, or possibly even hostile. You haven't said that you are, but you might check yourself.

Or you may not be around areas where there are single guys. I'm not saying you should rush off to the closest Star Trek convention, but maybe meet your closest guy friends' guy friends. Go where single guys go. Do what single guys do (minus the farting).

Finally, maybe take the initiative and meet guys on your own. Most guys have no problem with being approached... hell, I wish women would hurry up and start doing that so I don't have to do so much work.

As usual huno, your advice is helpful and right on the money. I'm very guarded having been through a lot in 20 years, not just relationship wise but family issues that have impacted my ability to trust anyone. I probably do come across as cold, not because I am but because I have my guard up.

Part of the problem was the guy I'd dated after my ex had spent about a month and a half gaining my trust. I was hesitant to date him at first, but we talked online frequently, we hung out with mutual friends the first couple of times we hung out, then dated for about a month before he said he didn't want a relationship. He was still hung up on his ex, so I understood where he was coming from, but he pursued me.

I pursued my ex by asking him out, and I think that scared me a bit because I'm afraid to trust my own judgment where guys are concerned. I've heard from plenty of guy friends that it looks desperate for a girl to ask them out, and it takes away from "the chase." Ugh. You've given me a lot to think about, so I thank you for that.

As usual huno, your advice is helpful and right on the money. I'm very guarded having been through a lot in 20 years, not just relationship wise but family issues that have impacted my ability to trust anyone. I probably do come across as cold, not because I am but because I have my guard up.

Part of the problem was the guy I'd dated after my ex had spent about a month and a half gaining my trust. I was hesitant to date him at first, but we talked online frequently, we hung out with mutual friends the first couple of times we hung out, then dated for about a month before he said he didn't want a relationship. He was still hung up on his ex, so I understood where he was coming from, but he pursued me.

I pursued my ex by asking him out, and I think that scared me a bit because I'm afraid to trust my own judgment where guys are concerned. I've heard from plenty of guy friends that it looks desperate for a girl to ask them out, and it takes away from "the chase." Ugh. You've given me a lot to think about, so I thank you for that.

I get a good one in every so often; glad it happened on your thread. :)

Anyway, I hear you; my dad wasn't exactly a pillar of support growing up... to quote Carlos Mencia, for the longest time I thought my middle name was "pendejo (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/dumbass)." I myself am still working through it. It gets better every day, it really does, and at first the progress was very slow, but now I can look back and see a world of difference. I was very closed-off as a teenager and it definitely didn't make me any friends. Once I started opening up people were a lot friendlier. Sometimes I'd say something stupid (and at first, my self-esteem took a HUGE hit whenever I was called on it) but for the most part I made new friends and girls were definitely more interested. Now most things slide off my back, because I know that most people like me... or at least tolerate me.

What I've come to learn is that a handful of people shouldn't determine how you see yourself. And yes, a bad experience with a lover can really damage your self-image. I still contend that the majority of guys don't mind being asked out, especially in this day and age, so please don't rule this out as a way of helping you build better self-esteem, and potential new friendships.

I think you can come away from this knowing that you were the bigger person in your relationship. Know that the next person should live up to your standards and you shouldn't have to compromise.

Updates!

Well, my ex told me that one guy she was with was bigger than me and I hated being the second biggest to her... So that right there affected us. That affected the relationship... But that's it. It would bother me when we would get naked and she wouldn't be at awe when she saw me yet I adored her every second I could. Nothing else...

Many people like different things... Honestly, I don't really like when a girls breasts go up and down during sex... and I'd rather have a really skinny girl contrary to other guys... But maybe that's because that's how my ex's body was... If you love someone, you learn to love their body no matter how it is... I also think you are looking too deep into this... I've told my ex that she should do more ab work... it's no big deal... To be honest I really didn't care... It's just a comment... I loved her body and I always would no matter how it was... I lvoed her so I took anything... Well she broke up with me 3 months ago... I'm trying to move on...

You have my complete sympathy. No one should ever make remarks like that at all, let alone during sex. I think you nailed it when you said your boyfriend commented on your abs specifically because he knew you were sensitive about that. First of all, NEVER tell a man which part of your body you are sensitive about. Keep it to yourself, because if you tell him, he can use it against you. If they ask, say you don't have anything like that. You have absolutely nothing to gain by sharing that kind of intimate secret with a guy. If you've been married for years and he's never abused your trust, then MAYBE you can tell him, but I don't know why you would. Second, hold out for a grown up who knows that sex is best when both people feel attractive.

I was married to an abusive man for 15 years who criticized virtually everything about me. But he NEVER said anything critical about my body in bed. I think he knew that would be the end of a good thing. Try to put these guys' remarks out of your head if you possibly can. A loving relationship does NOT require two perfect bodies (or even one).

If the next guy says anything, tell him what a turn off that is and that he should never do that again. Ask him how turned on he'd feel if you criticized his appearance (and look him over critically, top to bottom, as you say this!) And if he does it again, I would recommend dumping him, because he will keep doing it as a way to keep you off balance. Remember, anyone who cares about you will think you are beautiful no matter what. Meanwhile, be patient. (No more "accidents" with creeps, and don't get drunk at all. I just read that increasing the beer tax in some states Directly reduced the rate of STDs.) Good luck!

How about choosing your partners a lot more carefully. Leave the turds alone.

I think it would help a lot to give yourself a well deserved break from relationships, and deal with what makes you happy about yourself. We often forget who we are when a difficult relationship ends, and the grief just keeps coming. You need time to stop thinking about him and his life, and put yours on a happeir track. Get over this kid completely, and find your own happy spot, and real man is sure to want to join you.

ha sounds like he is a bit bi=polar! And has anger issues I think if he gets on the defense so easily. Ah you seem like a smart girl and I think you know you CAN do better. Sometimes its hard to let go of someone you think you love, but, reality is that he has goneo ut with several girls after you. And you have not really dated much.. See what's out there and the decision will be so much easier I promise!

... Its been a really crappy day.

I have days, sometimes long periods, where I don't think about my ex at all. I don't concentrate on missing his friendship, our past relationship, last summer when we became reacquainted, any of it. That day was today...

... and then his girlfriend came into the clothing store I work at. She knows where I work, and she tried on some stuff with 2 friends, then, came out and was looking around. Then, I hear from my friend his girlfriend went the store (in another mall) my friend works out, gave her a rude look, then left shortly after, making sure to turn around and look at her again.

I have LEFT MY EX ALONE. I haven't contacted him since he's been with her, and I don't go to my former workplace because I respect that she works there now and I do not. You can call it coincidence, but coincidence or not, seeing her just brought it all back. She's younger than me by almost 2 years, she seems like a nice girl otherwise, but its like, you got the guy. Just leave me alone. Today just sucked. Plain and simple.

You sound like a very mature young lady. By the way you write I can tell that you must be a very smart woman that is going to go places in life. You don't need this looser. I know you said he's a good guy but good guys do not put you down and say mean things to you like he did. He really seems that he has a lot of growing up to do. He is not ready for a relationship. I really think you are handling this great. Enjoy college life, go out with friends, meet new people, join a academic sorority or club(if you are not already in one). Hes not for you because he needs to grow up and who knows if that will ever happen.

You sound like a very mature young lady. By the way you write I can tell that you must be a very smart woman that is going to go places in life. You don't need this looser. I know you said hes a good guy but good guys do not put you down and say mean things to you like he did. He really seems that he has a lot of growing up to do. He is not ready for a relationship. I really think you are handling this great. Enjoy college life, go out with friends, meet new people, join a academic sorority or club(if you are not already in one). Hes not for you because he needs to grow up and who knows if that will ever happen.

I mean this with no disrespect, just very curious. I appreciate your kind words, and your advice because I have been much more social lately. I've been hanging out with co-workers in social situations I wouldn't have been involved in before, and I've made a ton of new friends. I am constantly running around, and am best described as "perky" to the outsider, but its those moments I'm alone that I really let things settle in, you know?

My question is this: If he's not ready for a relationship, how is it he's in one and has been for 6 months with this girl? I have a firm security as far as knowing what I stand for and I know that I am a good person; however, seeing his new girlfriend in front of me was like a slap in the face. This girl has the ability to make me feel very self-conscious and I size myself up to her. She's almost 2 years younger, she's well-endowed where I am flatter chested, she has a larger frame whereas I'm average and in better shape. Yet still... I feel insecure in her presence, and this is the 2nd time I've seen the girl in person. Because the one thought that resonates is: He chose her over me.

**bumping This Thread**

*bumping Again**...

Well, I know I've already commented, but since no one else is stepping up to the plate I may as well play the pinch hitter:

First off, any changes since you last posted this? It's been a few weeks since that girl walked into your store, anything new?

Assuming not (since you don't give such details), I'm going to guess that you're still thinking about him. The only answer I have for this is that it does take time to get over someone, especially if you really liked (or still like) him. About all you can do is go on doing what you do. It's hard and it'll take a long time, but eventually you'll get through this. You'll also eventually meet another guy, and that'll help things along.

I still contend that this guy's pretty lame as far as gentlemen go. If I had a daughter and she got yelled at by him I'd have kicked his @ss a long time ago. He was obsessed with controlling the relationship and you shouldn't have let him. Even now, he's controlling you: not explicitly, but it's happening--and you're still letting him.

Don't let him or his GF or anyone else control your life. Do what you want, when you want, however you want (well, don't do drugs... or butt sex--unless you're into that sort of thing ;)).

Lately, its been a lot better since I haven't run into him around town, nor have I heard anything I'd rather not hear from any mutual people we know. My mom mentioned she did think about and worry about him being a cop in the city, but she knows it's a touchy subject. I think a lot of good comes from just focusing on other things, especially in my case: work.

I'm a much happier person when I'm not dealing with manipulative head games and snide remarks all the time, enough so to have it be pointed out by fellow co-workers that I seem a lot perkier lately. Part of that's because I've been taking care of myself more, not letting things I can't control bring me down.

His girlfriend coming into my store threw me for a loop, but it wasn't my undoing. Unless you give someone the power to make you feel inferior, they have nothing on you. Looking at her just reinforced she's just a girl, just like me, just like every other girl in the world. I was making her up to be something so superior to me because it was easier. It was easier to take the blame for everything going wrong, for making it a "me" thing as to why I was treated poorly. I know I made mistakes, I can list a handful of them if I needed to, but my biggest problem has always been accepting that it wasn't ALL me.

Its like I needed to believe if their relationship lasted, it meant that I was defunct and incapable of being in a healthy relationship. That I was the problem. Part of that stems from the self-protective fear of being with someone and being treated well because my first relationship was a lot of emotional abuse. Everything I did had to have an "alterior motive." Everything I said was me "trying to get rid of him" even when it was something he did to manipulate a fight.

I've been talking to more guys at work, testing the waters with the flirting skills a bit before going out there and using them in the "real world" lol. Its still hard, it's a day-by-day thing, but lately the good days are outweighing the bad.

Knowing your faults and weakness is good, knowing everything is not all your fault is great. Its not your place to take on everyone else's faults and weaknesses.

Its like I needed to believe if their relationship lasted, it meant that I was defunct and incapable of being in a healthy relationship.

Ah, this is an excellent observation, one many would have missed. You did allude to such a perception of the situation in your first post, after all, but you really put it in plain English here.

Well, I don't believe for a hot minute that you are incapable of being in a healthy relationship, regardless of what he's up to. Far from it--I think a girl who is intelligent enough to make such observations is a great candidate to be in a near-perfect relationship. Emotional, irrational women are everywhere: it takes a lot of searching to find someone as reasonable and logical as yourself.

Even though we don't know you very well, I would bet on the fact that you're a great catch. If you want a guy, put yourself out there and wait for someone great. I can tell you're worth it. Good luck!