My ex fiancé hung himself Friday,we were still in a bit of contact, because he was on cociane.
I don't know what to do. I found him and what I saw is haunting me,I can't close my eyes because I see him just hanging there.I know I shouldn't blame myself but I was the last one to see him alive,I tried my hardest to save him. I got him down as fast as I could,I gave cpr,but it just wasn't enough.

I am so sorry, there is nothing that can take the pain away, time helps, but if you need to talk about it more we will always be here.

He was/is my first love.he spent his last hours with me,and played our song as he done it, I think that was to tell me that he did love me,I hope.he was all I ever wanted and so much more.before the drugs he was such a lovely person,would do anythink for anyone,with a heart of gold,and its such a waste of the best man ever.
It saddens me more to know the sadness he must of felt to do that,I miss him ever so much, I want to see his smile,his eyes,his smell.I miss his cuddles,his company,his jokes,the funny ones and the not so funny ones.I love him with all my heart and want him back ever so much,more than anythink I ave ever wanted.

I'm so sorry sweetie! That is such a terrible thing to go through! It will just take time. And you can't blame yourself for any of it! I hope you can find some peace! I send a big hug!

I try not to blame myself,but I left him two hrs before it happened, he sent a text saying that he was sorry and that he couldn't carry on like this and that he had to end it for good and he couldn't keep screwing up. Why text if he didn't want help.why would he tie his feet togther and his hands together and then his hands to his belt. Maybe if I had rang an abulance,when I got the text,maybe if I had stayed a bit longer, mayb mayb mayb. I will never know. My heart is broken,but his sons ave a bigger loss than mine.

My deepest sympathy to you and his sons. My prayers are with you. Do not torture yourself with the "what ifs" for you will never find an answer. It is not your fault that your fiancé was addicted to cocaine... his own personal issues and circumstances allowed him to fall victim to it... it is very sad but you are not to blame. I once knew someone who fought a cocaine addiction and he told me "it was like fighting the devil himself". He was clean for a while but was lured back. I am sure your fiancé has found peace now.

I really hpoe that he is at peace now.can anyone shed light on why would he wrap a towel round his neck before the rope,surely that would have protected him.

Probably so there would be a better grip... now Kazzz you need to stop dwelling on this... I can only imagine how painful it must be for you as it is still very fresh in your mind but you need to seek psychological help so you can put things into perspective, otherwise you will be suffering for a long, long, time. There is nothing that you could have done different that could have saved him. We are all products of our upbringing and the different circumstances in our lives. Unfortunately, not all parents do a good job of child-rearing. Some children are stronger than others and do well in life anyway, and other children are weaker and turn to drugs as a means of coping. It is soooo sad!

Now his family are blameing me, and saying I have got his stuff,and if they don't get it I can't go to the funeral, already been told that I can't see him at chapel of rest. How can I give them somethink I don't have. I needed to see him resting and not as I last saw him. How can they be so cruel.

My deepest heartfelt sorrows for you Kazzz.
It is a HUGE shock to find something like that... I know... I found my Dad. For the longest time I was full of what if's, I tried to revive him too. I was first aid trained at the time, boy did I think it was a waste of training after!
It's an oldie but true... time is a wonderful blessing. In time these memories (or at least the worst of them) WILL recede.
You just have to hang on in there. The images you saw will fade, the feelings you have will fade, the guilt you feel will fade, the anger will fade. It will all take time. And No, I can't put a time on it, it will be different for everyone.
Believe it or not, there will come a time & place when you can think of your friend with love & happiness instead of anger & sorrow.
Please talk to someone, don't bottle it up. Speak with a counsellor, pastor, friend, us, anyone.
I truly wish you well and I will watch this thread & pray for you.
God bless
Moomin

I can remember the good times,and at mo they are making me cry but happy to. All I want is to see him one last time and say my goodbyes. I know his family are grieving to, but surely everyone has got a heart.silly thing is, is that I understand why he done it, and that because he chose to spend his last hours with me laughing and joking, it was like we had our own little fairwell, and he attended his own wake with me. I now it sounds silly, I trying not to blame myself, because at the end of the day he was on drugs and alcohol,was grieving for the lose of his nan,and I found a check list he had done which had a list of things he needed i.e rope,ties,towel etc. I just feel so sad that a person that was as lovely as him could get so sad and down, I just want to give him a cuddle and tell him he is being silly.

Sweetie that is the best thing you can do think of the good times! And just greive for him! I'm so sorry I can't imagine what you are going through! I wish I could give you a big hug! Just take it one day at a time!

Looking back on it, I can see that he was trying to tell me.
He was one of them that was too dam good for this world.
Every body rock. There for every one
Everyone's shoulder, such a shame and waste.

Every one says that they wish they could give me a hug, because I have never been a cuddly person, but with him he could hug me all day and all night and I would still want more. I've tried to be angry with him about finding out that he had slept with other people but I still love him so much and I know that he only slept with them because cocaine is a sex drug and he was just trying to make himself happy, that's all I wanted for him was to be happy,with or without me,because he was such a lovely man all I wanted was his happiness.
Hope he is happy or at least content and at peace.

Try to understand how much his family is hurting right now... they need someone to blame...

A long time ago me and him had a conversation about what we want when we die,as you do!
He said he wanted to be in his ben sherman suit,wanted a spliff in his pocket and other stuff and his family are dismissing what he wanted,it's the one last thing that they can do for him, yet they won't and they have said that they don't want to hear what he wanted.

I don't think anyone's words can touch the pain you are experiencing. No one should ever have to deal with what just happened to you and your true love. IT is a truly sad love story and it sounds like you were the most important thing to him. He spent his last moments with you because of what you meant to each other. Maybe this existence was just too difficult for his spirit and he had to set it free. He is still with you and I am sure he never meant to hurt you. This is what he thought would make his pain go away. Drugs do destroy people and their soul. He wasn't the same because of his experiences and you will never be the same for loving someone with all your heart and then losing him. I understand wondering and wishing, about what maybe you could have done. That is something that will continue to bother you for awhile. All I can say is that try to embrace your feelings for him and the emotions that come tumbling out. It is a critical part of getting through this. AS you see, numbing the pain or denying it, it will just manifest in other forms. I too lost someone not so long ago. I am still struggling with all the emotions and things I wish I would have said or done. This reminds me of a tragic love story, and this love will continue on through many lifetimes. I have learned that the people we love in this life, we will see again. You have probably been with him before in another lifetime. You have to trust that you will be together again, without the pain and suffering he dealt with in this physical existence. My heart aches for you. When I first read what you wrote, I didn't even know what to say. I still don't. Words cannot express to you how much I feel inside. I want to protect you and let you know you didn't do anything wrong. His family is in so much pain they need someone to blame. It is easy to make you a target and make you feel guilty, it is easier than them coping with losing their son. You were so significant in his life. HE played your song, he was with you, no one can take that away. He spent his time with the love of his life and he didn't think he was capable of going on the way he was living and feeling. That is not anyone's fault. He wouldn't want anyone to be angry or guilty. He wants you to feel loved and to know that he is with you. Try to surround yourself with loving and supportive people. You will want to be by yourself and alone with your pain, and feel close to him. That is o.k. YOu should do that. Try to quiet your mind and feel his presence. Talk to him and ask him to be with you and help you through this. Remember the love and be easy on yourself. You are going to feel 50 different emotions at one time and you are entitled to that. You can honor him in your own ways without his family if you have to. Don't take their feelings personally, try to understand their pain and guilt and find compassion in your heart for them. In time they will realize they are being unfair. Right now it is too raw and real. They cannot focus on the pain so they are focusing on being upset at you. The love you experienced with him is something some people don't experience in an entire lifetime. IT is something to treasure and cherish and to recognize how beautiful your connection was. You will hearts will forever be entwined together and you will feel incredibly sad and lost without him. Feel it, learn from it and remember he is still with you. Allow yourself time, to grieve, to be angry to feel lost and confused. Please know everyone on here is suffering in some way, through this we all connect and share your pain. We are here to help you and guide through some dark times. You are not alone..

Found a really good photo of him and its so so nice,and found all the little notes that he had ever wrote to me,telling me how much I meant to him, although I cried it has really helped because he really did love me. The family have got the police involved now, he wouldn't have wanted any this, even when that lovely bloke is gone they can't think of anyone but themselves.

My deppest symphaty for you honey. You cannot blame yourself for this. You can always express your feelings on here.

Can't believe its been a week already,yet every think is still so fresh in my mind,I miss him so madly.I never knew such emotions and heart ache exsisted. I can't stop looking at his photo, sometimes I cry with saddness and others I smile.

His funeral is next week and that's all I'm being told, they won't tell me where or exactly when, and as much as I know they are in pain and want some one to blame,never thought they would actually stop me from saying my good byes. Think there jelous of the fact he chose to spend his last hrs with me. I didn't ask him to,he just did. He said his good byes to me but I didn't say my goodbyes to him because I didn't know what he was going to do. I know I can say good bye in my own way but I'm catholic and should be at that funeral. What if his spirit can't rest because I wasn't there. Who knows. X

Oh, hun, this is such a heavy load to bear. I am so sorry. It's especially sad that his family is being so unkind and unreasonable. The death of someone close seems to make some people hard and mean, as though anger and blame will distract them from their grief. I'm so glad that you aren't going that route. This reveals a lot about people's true character. Stay true to the love you have for him and don't be distracted by the other.

The road you're on now is a long one. Although the acute pain will subside with time, you will be permanently changed by this experience. Let yourself feel all the feelings that well up and threaten to overwhelm you. You won't be overwhelmed, and if you suppress and deny them they will eat away at you from the inside and do damage. This is kind of like a forest fire that consumes all the dead wood on the forest floor and makes room for new growth. If you pay attention and do a good job of grieving, this will give you a depth and strength of character that will be a powerful resource that you can draw on for the rest of your life. It will make you capable of being a better friend, a better lover, a better daughter, a better parent. These benefits will take awhile to manifest, but trust me, they will come. For right now, just feel the feelings and be as kind and generous and understanding as you can toward yourself and all others who are affected by this tragedy. I'll bear you in my mind and hold you close to my heart.

All I have ever wanted was to be happy. That's not much to ask for. Its all hurts so much and I just at a loss as to what to do. Should I go back to work yet. Because of lies that are being told I'm well scared because if any one sees me I know they won't think twice about doing something to me. How am I supposed to get on with my life.

Which is going to make my family worry about me even more. If I could move then I would but I cant, I need my family, I need to around them,they are all I've got now.

My heart goes out to you

Hi, I have found out that the funeral is on Tuesday, and I know the time and where. But his family don't know I know. I really feel like I need to go, to pay my last respect and stuff. But I'm scared that they might kick off if I just turn up. Any advice on what to do.please

By all means, go to the funeral. Try to avoid the members of his family that are being rude and hateful if you can. Just go for him and for yourself. If there is anyone else who could go with you for moral support, that might help.

Thanku, that's what people keep saying, go for him and myself. But I do feel for his family and really don't want to cause them anymore upset.

Do what you think is right under the circumstances.

I know, its just that I'm so confused I don't know what to do. I know he would want me there but I also know that he wouldn't want his family more upset than they already are, he was the one that sorted out his family and put them in there place. He was everyone's rock.

When my sister ended her own life her ex was apparently in the church. The church was full and neither I nor my mother saw him, nor did we worry if he was there or not. In fact we did not think about anyone else being there, as it was out grief that consumed us, as I am sure will be the case here.

You will be there for him and yourself, if it what feels right for you to go then go with it. There will only be one service.

God bless

Thanku, and I understand that. Were you blaming her ex though. Like they are me. And because there will only be one service, I can't get to Wednesday and think I wish I had gone.

Hi Kazzz

There was no blame to give. Emotions ran high but not at anyone in particular, the blame is not yours, nor is it his parents and that will be realised in time, if its not been realised already.
All the very best and I hope you all find your peace.

Bit of good news, I got a phone call this morning from his brother, telling me when the is and that its OK to go, but just keep myself to myself.

Hi Kazzz

That is good news, keep strong and take care

It was a lovely service. They even put his football teams flag over the coffin. Things did kick off but not with me. He had flowers with no'1 dad, son and bruv. I got him a single blue rose. All the right people were they to.

It's really good that you got to go and that it went well without an ugly scene with his family. Bless you, dear. You have a long road to travel in the months and years to come. Pace yourself, and don't despair.

Hi, don't know what to do. In one ear I've got some one tellling me to cry and grieve, then in another I have some one saying he is gone dead and buried get over it.then I have others saying do what you feel is right for you. My problem is I isn't got a clue what is right for me any more. I'm all over the place.

Oh, sweetie, I feel for you. I too am grieving, I am grieving the death of my father. Not by his own hand, but by nature.

Now, the gireving process is different for everyone. Crying may be right for you, but being strong was right for me.

You will be all over the place for a while, and that is okay. Whatever you feel like doing at the moment is okay.

Don't let people tell you how you should grieve, as it is different for them. For me, reading the reading at church, reading the eulogy, making the funeral plans, that was what got me through it all.

You may want to seek out grief counseling or find a grief support group where everyone there has gone through grief in their own ways. These are VERY helpful.

However you grieve, just know that it is okay.

Thanku. I'm tired of crying, I feel exhuasted but I can't seem to sleep no matter how hard I try. I'm tired of all the thinking, and I have tried to stop my mind going all over the place, but I cant. I have never experienced a loss before and I am usually a strong person, you gave adive before on addictions, and maybe if I had listened then I wouldn't be here now.
Doctors have gave me sleeping pills but they is sh*t.
Even though I shouldn't I can't help but still do the what ifs, and the maybe's. And are there spirits and soul or once your dead your dead.
Before all this I used to say to people yes there are souls and stuff and once there soul and spirit has healed they will come back to you,one way or another, but know I just isn't got a clue what to believe in, what's real and what's not.

I'm fed up with feeling like this and it seem no matter how hard I try I just don't feel any better. I'm not suicidal I just want all this pain to go away so bad.I want an end to it and be happy again without feeling guilty. I want just one good nights sleep without my mind racing all over the place, without waking up crying.one day of not thinking about every think and feeling so down, and giving myself a head ache. I'm doing my own head in.

Yes, sweetie, I was the one who helped you through your addiction thread. And, well, I will never say I told you so, because I never thought this would happen, but this is a terrible terrible side of addiction that some people do have to endure. I know, as my uncle was a substance abuser and also took his life by his own hand.

Hun, you will have the "what ifs" and the "maybes" for most of the rest of your life. But you know, there is no answer to those questions. Those questions are also part of the grieving process.

You have to know that there was nothing you could have done to change what would have happened. Nothing, NOTHING. This can be the nature of the beast that is called addiction.

Yes, I believe in the soul. I believe that they are looking down on us, taking care of us.

You see, at my father's visitation, we laughed and laughed. We made jokes, we had FUN. Why? Because my father would have wanted it that way. You see his nickname was Joker. We believe he was looking down on us putting words (jokes if you will) in our mouths. It's a little hard to explain in writing, but in person it is hilarious.

Just know that your man is no longer suffering. He is no longer craving the drug, he is no longer dying slowly and painfully.

We all heal, we all get over it. In our own time and in our own way. If you feel that you are having a hard time, please get into a grief support group. They are so very helpful in our time of need.

Sorry for your lose,my step dad passed away 4 year ago, but I wasn't that close with him and didn't cause me any pain when he went. I do know he's not suffering now, and he is resting. And he is with is nan(super gran) he called her. He should be here though. By visitation do you mean wake. If so I haven't really had one, I was only allowed to stand at the back, not talk to any one and leave straight after the service, I'm glad they allowed me to say good bye. His two sons kept looking at me, and its as if they were looking for there dad.
I always talk about him, I share a tear and laugh sometimes with my mum and brother about him. The thing I'm finding the most difficult is knowing I'm never goona see him, hear him smell him, look into his eyes,run my fingers through his hair,give him a back rub,bite his bum (lol).sorry rambling a bit.

It takes a minute to find a special person,
An hour to appreciate them,
A day to love them,
And an entire life time to forget them.
Never forgotten

People keeps saying he is at peace now, not in pain anymore, and in a better place, well if its so much better on the other side, what the hell we all still doing here?

Kazz, I understand your mourning, I really do as my father has only been gone a week now, and buried less than that. So I really do understand grief.

With that said, with all of the things that happened between you two before his death, with his addiction and so on, I really think you would benefit from some professional counseling. More than we can give here. We have suggested grief support groups. Have you checked any out yet?

It really would benefit you to talk to others who have been in the same place you are in.

Yeah have got appointment on 23rd with a counseller, just feel as if we are all contradicting ourselves, its just that I don't understand when people say there in a better place now, because surely if that was true and not just somethink people say then we are all stupid for staying in this world with all this pain, not just the pain I'm feeling at mo, but all the poverty, racism, rapes, drugs etc. so yeah they are in a better place in that sense, why don't we all go there and be with the one we miss the most. And why is it those that we will miss the most that die.

We miss the ones that die the most because we know that we will not see them again. Totally different from breaking off a relationship and knowing that we may run into them on the street, we can't pick up the phone and make a call, etc. It is permanent.

Now the "why dont we all go there and be with the one we miss the most" is depression and grief talking. It is a thought you need to try to get out of your mind. You know it is an irrational thought.

You need to focus on the good things, stop focusing on the bad. Upon my father's death, we laughed, we celebrated his life, the good things, the happy thoughts. Yes, we were sad he was gone. And yes, he was less than perfect. But it is the good memories we want to cherish, the happier days. I know he would not have wanted us to cry and to linger in self-pity and doubt.

What about your ex? How would he want you to feel right now?

Me again, I keep pretenting I'm OK because if my family,I know it hurts them to see me cry,
But deep down I'm dying, I pray every night to die, but I don't reallywant to die,I just wantevery think to be OK.but its never going to be OK, I just want this heartache to stop, I'm doing my own head in, I sit there and talk to myself, then I get angry with myself for crying and talking to myself, I'm sending myself loony, I'm just so sad,

Where are you from?

England, but before you say anythink,I'm on anti-depressants, got councilling,and all that, but it isn't doing any good, I'm trying to ride it out,hopeing I feel beta, but I still can't help the feelings of wishing to die, I know I shouldn't,

Contact your local suicide prevention hotline. Do you want to do to your loved ones what your boyfriend did to you? I don't think so.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Thanks but I ave seen the devastation left behind so no I don't, I have no intention of killing myself, but that don't mean I can't wish with all my might that today will be the day god sees my pain and takes aaway from it all, I just can't seem to do anythink positive to make me feel beta,deep down I don't want to die, but I don't want to feel like this either and nothink I do makes me feel any beta.

Kazzz, what I am going to say here sounds very cruel, but having been through the suicide of many close friends, including an uncle, as well as grieving the loss of my father (who was a depressed person) myself...

Sometimes we have to suck it up. We have to get over it. If we can't we need to seek the help of professionals who can help us. Yes, you are seeing professionals, and that is great, but grief support groups are wonderful too.

I realize you are coming here for help, and that is great. But we can't give you, through the monitor, what others can give you in person.

You know, I lost my father almost exactly 2 weeks after you lost your friend.

Through all of my experience I have learned that we have to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and get on with life. No one ever said life was easy. There is no instruction manual. But we have to grieve our losse. Say goodbye... suck up the pain and move on.

You know, I talk to my Dad nightly... that is what gets me through the next day. I tell him about my day... Discuss my dilemmas, etc... But I am up and at them the next morning. Ready to face the day, with a new perspective.

Now, I am going to say something that might hurt, but it has to be said, one way or the other...

Stop talking about suicide unless you are prepared to do it. Ever heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf?

Make a contract with your parents, loved ones, etc. That you will not take your life by your own hand...

Concentrate on the good things in life.

Like you I cry every day, I want my Daddy back. But you know what... we can't have that... Life today is what it is. So I focus on the good things knowing I can't change the bad. I make a diligent choice every day to focus on the good... the happy. Yeah, it's hard, but I have to do it. No matter how much I hate it, no matter how hard it is... I do it.

You can too!!

my ex fiance hung himself friday,we were still in a bit of contact, coz he was on cociane.
i dont know what to do. i found him and what i saw is haunting me,i can't close my eyes coz i see him just hanging there.i know i shouldnt blame my self but i was the last one to see him alive,i tried my hardest to save him. i got him down as fast as i could,i gave cpr,but it just wasnt enough.
It brought tears to my eyes and I real feel for you I don't no what id do if my fiancé hung himself just think atlest you weren't still with him because it would have affected you more . I no its have ov affected you a lot more I no its hard but he is ina better place believe me try to go to the doctor or coulsilling to help you

Don't want to die but don't want to live either, so what to do. Blar blar blar
Who really gives a sh... any ways.

You know, that attitude is not really necessary. If we didn't give a sh.. there wouldn't be as many answers as you have. There wouldn't be the help that you have gotten here.

Now it is time to get yourself some professional help. We can't do that here.

So, unless you are ready and willing for help, I will be unsubscribing from this post.

I understand you are grieving, he! I am too. My father died one month ago today, but do you see me throwing a pity party? No, you don't.

We have to get on with life. Yeah, it's hard, but anything that is hard is worth accomplishing.