I have been fascinated by dead and suicide since I was very little. Before I was 8 I had already tried to die several times. I mostly tried by handing myself. But the ropes I chose weren't strong enough or I couldn't tie descend knot. Once I tried to jump out a window but someone pulled me back. I thought allot about it and I fantasized about being tortured, mutilated and killed. I also wanted to be a hiring assassin, I would kill my family (my dad for free) if someone would hire me. I would have been like my job but also my hobby. One time it was night and I was standing by my parents bed with a knife, I wanted to kill my dad. But I didn't he was so big and I so small. Even went he was asleep he looked angry.

I still fantasize about suicide and killing people. Sometimes I have these urges, it itches inside. Then I want to hit, kick, burn, cut, kill who ever is standing close to me or just seeing is enough. I want to kill my family, friends, everybody even my pets. I dream about it I sometime have vision-like experiences about it. Sometimes these urges and itches are so intens that I have to cut myself. When that happens I cut deeper then the other times that I cut myself. I cut pieces out my arm and eat them. Cutting calms me down a little but not enough to make it go away. So then I have to leave the house and stay away for a while, but because it leave without saying anything. They wonder were I am and call the cops.

I've heard voices when there is no one around, I have psychosis, compulsive thinking, schizoaffective disorders and I had alter egos. I have al this for a long time. I am seeing and I have seen a psychiatrist, a therapist and a psychologist. I have tried lots of medication but after a while it always came back. But with the last medication I lost my alter egos. And that made me feel extra bad. I missed them they were there almost al my life. I stopped that stupid medication but it doesn't come back. I still mis them.

Once I went in to a psychosis for a while, I was night I was walking on the streets. I had a knife with me and there was someone, I had pursued her. She noticed and walked faster. I was getting closer I felt her fear it was like it made me stronger. I wasn't thinking "this is bad, it's not right" I was thinking about how I would kill her, cut her, smack her head against the ground, the blood how it would smell. But she got away.
I have cut some kids from my class, not deep but it was bleeding. I hit one with a yardstick really hard.

The strange thing is people still seem to like me. Ok I hear a lot "freak" and "your sick", I don't blame them. There absolutely right.

Actually I already decided that I will do it. But I'm waiting for the end of the school year so that my brother and my sister can get there diploma. Normally I would get mine also this year but that doesn't matter any more. I didn't go to school last week to think and I don't like school. I noticed that there are lots of good and beautiful things in life. I won't deny that. Especially nature, it's full of wonderful things, I love it.
It's just that there is a part of me that wants to destroy, kill.
If I don't do it I think it's will go wrong one day and I won't be able to stop.
It has come very close to going wrong.

My dog he was crazy to he attacked people before looking who it was. We had to let him die. We tried everting we could think of. Lots of (professional) people got involved to save him make him better. But now he's dead.
He is cremated. Before the cremation I could see him again to say goodby. Went I saw him I felt him, he was happy to see supper happy he was nice he was at peace. It was like he jumped up against me. I love him, I love him more then anybody I know.
I hope I will see him again.

My mom tried to kill her self when she was pregnant of me. I think it was me that made her do that or she made me so obsessed by dead and dying or something tried to stop me from being born.
My dad already started beating me up since I was an infant, because I cried to mutch. He had hit me on the head.

I wrote al this to ask what do you think? Is there something I'm not seeing? Something crucial I mis? It happened before I sometime have my own world and I don't always realise when I'm in there.
You can say what you want I won't mind. If you want to say something like "die and rot in hell" I won't blame you.
If you think that I deserve a chance in life but you don't know what to say that might help, don't feel bad about it I don't mind dying. Wen I think about it I become more relaxed. It's like a part of me is already there. It feels good.

I know how you feel. Ive felt the same way when I tried to kill myself . But I thought about everything id lose if I did. So I didn't end up killing myself. I think you should see how life is and deal with it you can't change it and don't give up maybee your life will change for the better or maybe for the worse. But you have good moments and bad moments be happy with the good ones... enjoy them, and for the bad ones just deal with it... it will go away in a few days, weeks or months. But it will go away someday.
ADVICE I TOOK AND WILL GIVE TO YOU
~ if you care what people think of you, you should stop. I go for school dances and the date that I have is my friend, I dance like an idiot but I don't care what the stupid girls think.
~Dont be shy
~ don't care how you look like. Deal with it
~ maybe if you life sucks now, when your like older it will be better. Like you hate everything now but you could become famous or get rich someday.

There's no point in giving up in life... What good will it bring you, you just burn in hell.

Live your life to the fullest if it sux or if it rox... its fun anyway.

I think you should talk to some one about your feelings. That way you have someone who will listen and can work through your problems. I think you should find out what you like to do and your hobbies, like nature, and just get involved in stuff like that so you can forget about your problems. Find something that will make your life worthwhile to you. I have a horse for example and I would go nuts if I didn't have him. He's like my escape from everything.

You know, I don't know what you need, but you do need some type of help. Are you religious? Even if you're not you can seek a priest or anyone who is related to that, if you haven't already. They can provide a great deal of help especially spiritually and emotionally. I'm thinking everyone has the chance at life. Maybe they don't deserve it but they have a chance and it's just there for them to take it. There are countless things you can do if you take the chance life brings you. I'm sure you've already noticed that. Also I think you're left with scars which range from physical to emotional to spiritual to psychological. So you definitely need to do more searching for help if what you have already done hasn't worked. Personally I have had a mini psychosis period in which I had those kinds of thoughts of death and suicide and other things I'm embarrassed to mention, I also have had compulsive thinking but somehow I managed to get over it.
You know what it's not your fault, do not blame yourself, but also do not blame anyone else. Just try to keep moving forward... find things that you love to do even if you have to do them by yourself. One thing I do for myself is that when I feel any type of weird or bad or sad feelings is that I listen to a couple of motivational songs. I know that your problem is a lot more serious than I'm probably depicting, but that's just a little advice.
Well I hope you manage your situation with faith and you do deserve it for yourself not for anyone else.

or I couldn't tie descend knot
Good thing you never did scouts.
Lol, kidding. Serious now, get help, counceling.
You don't want to end up hurting the people you love.
Be careful aye, you don't want to hurt yourself, you'll regret it. I've got the scars, and trust me, it wasn't a good thing.
God can be such an amazing influence on your life, he can help you so much. I was depressed and cutting, and in worship, the depression just... went away, departed from my life, so suddenly, it still tries to come back, but I've been smiling for weeks now. That voice your hearing? Telling you to hurt people? Shut it out, or better yet, get rid of it. Get counseling, try to think positive, try to change how you think. Lose this obsession with death. It helps to stop talking about death, stop talking about killing, just speak positive, and your thinking will come along.
I've noticed that a lot of people with alter egos, like a friend I had on the net who's alter was "Werewulf" tend to have a lot of thoughts and issues like yours, I think it's a sort of coping mechanism or something, or just a manifestation of your emotions and feelings.

And there is something your not seeing.
\your not seeing how good life is
Your not seeing how bad it is to be dead
Your not seeing the fact that pain is your bodies way of saying NO!
Your not seeing the good in yourself.
Try venting these feelingsin a different way, like poetry, art. music

Get some help!! Since you have already seen a psychiatrist, you should share with him/her that your fantasies still exist. I'm thinking that a med eval is a bit in order, don't you?

There is nothing worse than a person that can potentially do harm to others not seeking help just because the "others" think that person (or sociopath) can be helped. If you are not looking for your prey, seek help...

B-4 U READ THIS PLEASE UNDERSTAND THAT SOME OF US ARE ACCIDENTALLY ARE HERE BECAUSE OUR PARENTS WERE USING CONDOMS- PLEASE READ ALL OF THIS I HOPE IT WILL HELP YOU A lot!!

I wrote this because one of my best friends called me today and she wanted to kill herself over something stupid and I hope she doesn't but I want to help a lot of people out there b-4 it happens to someone else!!

People say live life to the fullest. But seriously... what is the fullest? There's a lot you can do with obeying the law, and or getting into trouble! And there's not a whole lot you can do with out getting hurt. When I say hurt I mean emotionaly, physically, and mentally. You can get hurt in your own home. So the phrase "Live life to the fullest" means what? For some people they get over being hurt/abused by talking to someone they confide in or they trust. Others deal with it on their own and it makes them "Stronger" than the others (and I agree with this.) Which brings me to what other people do to get over their struggles and issues in life. And that brings me to why do people kill themselves? Is it because they're scared, hurt, tired of the pain, Don't know how to deal with their problems, tired of all the ed up things in this world, and MANY OF OTHER THINGS? Well I can say this, if we all would kill ourselves then there would be no people which means there would be no more world. So they turn to one way... Suicide. People live the best of lives ever, but also people live the most ed up lives ever. Most of the time its by choice but sum of the time its not by choice. I will admit, a few situations there are reasons for people to kill themselves, like being hostige, or getting raped constintly and no one believes you (MORE BUT GOOD REASONS! ). These few situations are bad and I wouldn't want to be in them and doubt anyone else does so I can see killing yourself. But others wanting to kill themselves because a girl/guy broke up with him/her, or something stupid like that... no reason! I have lived a horrible life but really I dealt with it on my own and if I can you can too! Killing yourself is a way out, a way out of life. But its also a easy and CHEAP way out of life and problems. Killing yourself shows how weak you are, how fed up you are, how irritated you are, all of these, AND MANY MANY MORE. But I don't know what else to say about this anymore just wish all good luck and remember stick it out and don't give up UNLESS ITS REALLY LIFE AND DEATH!
thanks for reading
Rabecca S.

Never give up. Never surrender to adversity, never give in to the voices. Be strong for your family, be strong for yourself, be strong for your future wife and kids! Be strong for your friends, and the people that will need you!
You have a responsibility to do that.

Honestly, seek some help for this. As much as death fascinates you I don't think it's the best idea to go and kill yourself. I wanted to just so I can see if there is life after death but I thought that was dumb of me. Think of how much you would be missing out on in life and also your family. If your not seeing a doctor about this then you should go :). The scitzo issue is weird because my old boyfriend had that and you would see a new personality, and new voice from him. I think maybe its your Scitzo kicking in when you have urges to kill yourself. You do need help, but if you chose not to get any, talk to close friends.

Also another thing, is something in life bother you to make you want to be in your own world? Are you hurt by something so bad that it made you feel like this for a long time?
I hope things for you clear up.

I think you fit the profile of a potential serial killer. I think you need to be committed in a mental institution so that you don't harm yourself or others. If you Google how to profile a serial killer you will see what I mean. I hope that you can get help so you can live a normal life and not hurt yourself or others. I will say this though and some people may not agree but this is my opinon, If you know you are going to tourture and kill people and can't stop then I don't see why taking yourself out of this world is a problem. We don't need any more Jeffrey Domers in the world.

Once I went in to a psychosis for a while, I was night I was walking on the streets. I had a knife with me and there was someone, I had pursued her. She noticed and walked faster. I was getting closer I felt her fear it was like it made me stronger. I wasn't thinking "this is bad, it's not right" I was thinking about how I would kill her, cut her, smack her head against the ground, the blood how it would smell. But she got away.


And you guys are worried about him hurting his self can you imagine what he would have done to her if he had caught her? Plus he eats pieces of his self. Can anyone say "cannibal"? Some people aren't meant to be in this world. If he can't overcome his mental issues where does he fit into soceity?

I think you fit the profile of a potential serial killer. I think you need to be commited in a mental institution so that you don't harm yourself or others. If you google how to profile a serial killer you will see what I mean. I hope that you can get help so you can live a normal life and not hurt your self or others. I will say this though and some people may not agree but this is my opinon, If you know you are going to tourture and kill people and can't stop then I dont see why taking your self out of this world is a problem. We don't need any more Jeffrey Domers in the world.
I agree with you 100%. To think there are people walking around in the world like this scares the @#$% out of me...

You deserve to have a place in society, to live a happy and good life, but you really need to get help for these problems! They are so dangerous.

I have been fascinated by dead and suicide since I was very little. Before I was 8 I had already tried to die several times. I mostly tried by handing myself. But the ropes I chose weren't strong enough or I couldn't tie descend knot. Once I tried to jump out a window but someone pulled me back. I thought allot about it and I fantasized about being tortured, mutilated and killed. I also wanted to be a hiring assassin, I would kill my family (my dad for free) if someone would hire me. I would have been like my job but also my hobby. One time it was night and I was standing by my parents bed with a knife, I wanted to kill my dad. But I didn't he was so big and I so small. Even went he was asleep he looked angry.

I still fantasize about suicide and killing people. Sometimes I have these urges, it itches inside. Then I want to hit, kick, burn, cut, kill who ever is standing close to me or just seeing is enough. I want to kill my family, friends, everybody even my pets. I dream about it I sometime have vision-like experiences about it. Sometimes these urges and itches are so intens that I have to cut my self. When that happens I cut deeper then the other times that I cut myself. I cut pieces out my arm and eat them. Cutting calms me down a little but not enough to make it go away. So then I have to leave the house and stay away for a while, but because it leave without saying anything. They wonder were I am and call the cops.

I've heard voices when there is no one around, I have psychosis, compulsive thinking, schizoaffective disorders and I had alter egos. I have al this for a long time. I am seeing and I have seen a psychiatrist, a therapist and a psychologist. I have tried lots of medication but after a while it always came back. But with the last medication I lost my alter egos. And that made me feel extra bad. I missed them they were there almost al my life. I stopped that stupid medication but it doesn't come back. I still mis them.

Once I went in to a psychosis for a while, I was night I was walking on the streets. I had a knife with me and there was someone, I had pursued her. She noticed and walked faster. I was getting closer I felt her fear it was like it made me stronger. I wasn't thinking "this is bad, it's not right" I was thinking about how I would kill her, cut her, smack her head against the ground, the blood how it would smell. But she got away.
I have cut some kids from my class, not deep but it was bleeding. I hit one with a yardstick really hard.

The strange thing is people still seem to like me. Ok I hear a lot "freak" and "your sick", I don't blame them. There absolutely right.

Actually I already decided that I will do it. But I'm waiting for the end of the school year so that my brother and my sister can get there diploma. Normally I would get mine also this year but that doesn't matter any more. I didn't go to school last week to think and I don't like school. I noticed that there are lots of good and beautiful things in life. I won't deny that. Especially nature, it's full of wonderful things, I love it.
It's just that there is a part of me that wants to destroy, kill.
If I don't do it I think it's will go wrong one day and I won't be able to stop.
It has come very close to going wrong.

My dog he was crazy to he attacked people before looking who it was. We had to let him die. We tried everting we could think of. Lots of (professional) people got involved to save him make him better. But now he's dead.
He is cremated. Before the cremation I could see him again to say goodby. Went I saw him I felt him, he was happy to see supper happy he was nice he was at peace. It was like he jumped up against me. I love him, I love him more then anybody I know.
I hope I will see him again.

My mom tried to kill her self wen she was pregnant of me. I think it was me that made her do that or she made me so obsessed by dead and dieing or something tried to stop me from being born.
My dad already started beating me up since I was an infant, because I cried to mutch. He had hit me on the head.

I wrote al this to ask what do you think? Is there something I'm not seeing? Something crucial I mis? It happened before I sometime have my own world and I don't always realise wen I'm in there.
You can say what you want I won't mind. If you want to say something like "die and rot in hell" I won't blame you.
If you think that I deserve a chance in life but you don't know what to say that might help, don't feel bad about it I don't mind dieing. Wen I think about it I become more relaxed. It's like a part of me is already there. It feels good.
dude I've thought about it to but never did it you'll hurt more then yourself? I'm 44 and have been through more in life then a man should have to be but you're here for a special reason and you'll find it.. suicide is a sin .im sure you're a great person but need some good help or a person thatll truly understand you.. but there's enough suicide death and drugs in the world lets not have you bee the next who would I write to then if people like you weren't on here.. remember even tough you may not beleave you're here for a special reason you are?? So get some pro help I did and it helped... good luck steve

It really amazes me that most of the people that have answered this question are more concerns about him hurting his self then other people. I bet you would be more concerned about his homicidal thoughts if he was directing them toward you or someone you know! And what happens when he starts acting on them! Are you still going to tell him not to kill his self because it's a sin. Not everyone deserves a place in this world! Jeffrey domer did'nt either did hitler or anyone else like them. You guys need to look at the bigger picture, even if he doesn't kill his self he will probably kill other people. He plainly stated that he almost did but she got away. Well like I said before he needs to be in a mental hospital so he can get the right treatment that he so desperately needs. Hopefully he can change his way of thinking but either way it goes I would never in life want to cross paths with him or another person like him.

I am concerned about YOU because if YOU get the help YOU need, your life will improve and other people will be safer around you.

If you feel this strongly, yes, you could do something terrible to yourself or others that you would regret later and that you would be punished for.

You're obviously intelligent and aware of the situation you're in. As they say, that's the first step to getting help. Please seek out a local professional ASAP and don't wait a moment. You deserve to be happy in this life, just like everyone else does. Nobody should feel this kind of pain. On top of what you're experiencing, it sounds very likely that your parents also suffer from something bigger than they can control. They did not provide a good home for you, perhaps because of their own psychosis (often genetic), which could explain the depression you feel. Please, people care about you, even if it isn't that clear to see right now. YOU are not disposable, and neither is anyone else. I want you to get help, so please, please do.

God bless and Good Luck

1.800.SUICIDE (784-2433), Suicide Prevention Hotline

I know how you feel and all I have to say is life can only get better from here... 2 months go I tried to kill myself I almost succeeded. I was in a comma for 2 weeks and am still having health problems now when I woke up I wisshed that I hadn't... I cryed when I saw everybody aroung me... im only 16 years old and I now realize thati have so much to live for I know now that so many people love me enough to be there the hole time I was recovering so just think about the fact that death is forever you can never change it or go back in time to make a better choice you have so much to live for good luck and please don't try to kill yourself it is so not worth it so manny people love yo somuch you don't evn know

I wasn't trying to down size that but yeah I don't really know how to help you there all I can so ia don't be afraid to ask for professional help!

njett566 I agree I was just getting upset because no one would acknowledge that he had thought about killing people and has tried before.

Get some help you fu-cking pysco
You think its funny to kill other people?
Its not fair to inflick pain on other people
If you ever want to kill someone again
I suggest you kill yourself
How dare you think you can hurt other people because of your selfish piss up of a personality
You're a proper maniac get help
In fact
Don't
Kill yourself
You're a worthless piece of
I actually cantbelive you want to kill other people because
You 'feel' like it
If i ever see you one day
I swear il be the one to kill you
X

I don't really know what to say. I'm not going to react to all the posts.
I'm just going to say that I agree more whit always_hot, Superfed and Parwhore then whit all those people that say I know how you feel when I tried to kill myself... or I taught about killing myself to...
I'm know for sure that they don't know what I'm talking about.
Explanation: Someone said that I don't see how good life is. Maybe I can't see it completely but I see how beautiful it is and I keep destroing it. I have snakes at home and they off course eat mice, sow I breed mice to feed my snakes. But sometimes when I'm empty inside when I lost my emotions for a while. I just take a mouse and skweeze it to dead, the feeling of the life going away out the mouse makes my feel something again. I've done terrible things to those poor little mice. I stabbed them whit thootpics and set them on fire. I've cut a pice of skin from one and sprinkled it whit salt.
The worst thing is that I'm aware of al these things and that's the reason I ask if I should kill myself. So that I stop harming everything around me.

Now it's been a wile since my fist post and some things have changed. It's been some time now that I have done something like that again. But it's because I'm now some type of alcoholic, I drink until I can't move anymore and when I wake up I just drink more.
Sow this way I can't kill you right. Oh well it's also not good and my psychiatrist noticed and I argeed to let myself be committed in a psychiatric hospital. Sow now I'm just waiting to be committed.

I don't feel like writing anymore sow I'm going to stop now.

Ps: if someone is going to react, please keep your "belief in Jesus" and/or "God is your saviour" for yourself I don't buy that crap

Perhaps the reason why some of us post about our religious beliefs is not to get you into thinking something that you don't believe or like. I think it's mostly because we tell of an example of what could help you. I mentioned God as an example that I have something(a belief and commitment) in my life that keeps me going on. That is the message I in particular was trying to send to you, having a certain commitment and belief in something helps me go on and try to forget the suffering and pain and to try to block any negative thoughts or actions. The point I tried to make is that you could if you don't already look for something really special, anything, and hold on to that and hold on to life. But I completely understand that your case is something that only those diagnosed with that or that feel what you feel can understand sincerely. Mostly what everyone else is perhaps trying to say is that they understand suffering and they understand what its like to get negative thoughts that arise, but I don't think they're really saying that they understand your reasons, causes, or ways that you think in particular or why you feel the way you feel. Unless they've been mentally in the same state you've been.
So in conclusion to my confusing and perhaps potentially misunderstood(or going to be) post, in all I just hope you somehow get all the help you need... and that you'll be able to control those impulses or bad thoughts that probably aren't a real part of your character. I think you have the desire to be a good person and that you struggle a lot with all that. So you should look forward to the good that life will bring you.

It's always your choice if you feel that you've been really bad to people/things you can make up for that remember the scales whatever you do will put weight on one side if you get too much weight you will sink if you don't you will float so what do you want do you want to sink or you can float personally I think your sick no offence but really from my perspective that is really bad what you did I'm just voicing my opinion I think you should find something that you like that is helpful and stick to it such as like helping people you probably don't want to do that so I guess you could get a job as a butcher... If you wanted because you seem to be into that sort of stuff I think you should get addicted to something that doesn't hurt anyone like sport or even internet gaming how about some Killing games like World of Warcraft if your into magic or some first person shooters if your into killing people... I think you should just work on getting a voice in your head that will tell you if what your doing is right or wrong you do know that the things you are doing are bad right? I think you should just make a decision We do care if you commit suicide but it was your choice you didn't have to do it no body made you do it it's totally your choice pretty much all of us here want you to stay alive but if you really feel that you're a bad person and you want to die you can but we would rather you not to I hope you make the right decision and I hope you eventually feel better about yourself

Hmm I've been submitted in 3 different mental institutions
In more than the past year (end nov 2007 --> begin/half mar 2009)
The 2 first were closed (I couldn't just go outside alone) en sometimes had to spend some time in isolation
Not because I was bad
Just to take al the outside impulses away
And that was actually a very good thing sometimes I mis it so much
Now in the last I was like more free
Like working to get back to live amongst other people
I've been there like over 8 months
But actually
The 2 first weren't good for me
The first was more like a detox (don't know if you know what I mean)
To get rid of al the alcohol en drug in my body
I spend there like 13 dag
Normal max is 7 days
But because I had psychoses it wasn't really fit for me so I couldn't go to the next step of there program
And they didn't just wanted to put me back on the streets
So they searched something else
The secund was more fit they thought
I came there in an observation department
Were I sat with al kinds of people
From just depressed to people that thought they were like god or an angel
Or sexual assaulters and people that were so confused that they didn't know where they were and just kept asking for a taxi
I've been there for I don't know really how long
Because they drugged me good
It was just like: wake up, eat, therapy (stupid therapy like taking a walk, cooking something, drawing, listening to music and silly stuff like that) eat some more, some more "therapy", eat again and go to sleep with enough medication of course
And 1 conversation with an psycologist a week maybe 2 (very rare) and he did most of the talking
He had no clue what went on in my mind
And once every 2 weeks 5 min with a psychiatrist
Now anyway they couldn't find a department were I would fit in at there institution
So again after a couple months (at least 5 I think but totally not sure think more but I say 5 so at least I not lying I think)
They searched something else
There it was like better they did everything very carefully and calm
But there I was free to go were I want
It had taken me more than four months to start talking a little bit more to them and showing who I am
But there were and I think still are problems in there organization
Like half the people that worked there just left to go work somewhere else
There I just stopped all my medication (it was under my own control)
Except for the 2 weekly shot I got but eventually they stopped giving me that

Now before I was submitted (so like over a year ago) I really tried to kill my 2 best friends
People had to pul me of them
A girlfriend I tried to strangel and I tried to cut my best friend neck
But than later in that last institution I attacked the person that was my new best (girl)friend
But wile I was doing that she asked something like "what going on?" then I just realised and ran away back to my room

But actually now I'm not trying to kill people physically anymore
I just try to find ways to break them emotionally
And I remember al there weaknesses in case I need it later
Don't get me wrong its not gone I still want to be abel to smell, taste and feel people creatures dying
I just think I can control it more
O yeah don't get me wrong
I don't want to be this person that wants to feel you die in my hands
Its just there

So anyway now I'm not submitted anymore
I'm not better
I was just getting sick of al this crap in my life and my head (especially the last)
So I just left and now I'm somewhere in south-america
Like just ran off for a wile

But a question with my "i'll break you emotionally" theories
I made my mother try to kill her self
Now she is in a mental institution (don't know for how long)
I must tell you my mother is an easy victim
And actually I really think it's better for her to do
Then she's at peace and she doesn't bring the rest of the family down anymore
And look now she's there thing go better at home
Not that I'm there right now but before I left it was
I actually still hope she finishes the job
So back to the question
Am still doing bad by doing this?
Why can't my mother be free at last?
Wasn't her live bad enough to?
I do care about her
But she's just a big block that holds other people under water

Sometimes I think I'm really crazy
And other times it all looks so logical like I don't understand why not
Are there to many people?
We do pest control over animals
Why not also do that with people
Like a hunting season

Oh now I just see the last I wrote
I wonder: there must be people that are more sane in there head that think alike
Or not am I really that wrong?

I don't know
And believe me by reading al this you only know just a little bit of what's in my head
And the feelings I have
But there are things I can't even write down when I'm alone
And that are actually the things I want to fix first
I have never killed a human
But I think there are mutch worse things than wanting to kill and taste
If somebody is death there free from al this
And they get to know what follows
Aren't they the lucky ones then?

OK I think I have to stop writing cause something is starting to mess with me I think
Can be just my own head but you never know
Right?
...

O yeah
I know I can't keep walking around like this
When I back I my own country I'm going back to that institution
I was making some progress but it just takes to long
They said maybe I can find something that gives me more direction in live
I like nature really allot and when I'm in the nature I have like more peace in my head
Not like ow now everything is fine but just a little better to handel myself
With the distraction of al the beauty out there
You can see it more like a break from that more than a year
And I'm not alone my sister is with me
And she is a psychologist too
And she also knows some stuff about me and how to deal with me in some situations
So it's not like I'm walking around alone without any from of control
Plus I still keep contact true e-mail with that institution

When you were institutionalized, you mentioned that the psychiatrist knew nothing of your desire to kill and harm- you need to tell him, or another doctor! There might be some med that can help with your issues. Please go back to that institution and tell the whole truth of what is going on with you.

I think the mind could be another realm in which every individual takes on the role of producer and director. If that was so, then it is in you to direct it... hardly can anyone else really do it for you. Drugs will never let you take your own control over your life or thoughts and decisions. They could be destroying your body in some way or another and not really helping the problem go away or get any better. As many mentioned above, a great start could peraps be to find several healthy passions in life you have, or just one great one that could take your mind off the concerning thoughts. However there's always need for more help. I hope you will find the right way to deal with all that.

You said that your mother was also suicidal. It sounds to me like you have a mental health disorder. I suggest seeking help from a psychiatrist and/or a psychologist. There are a few treatment options for a problem like that. Medication to help control your impulsive urges and intrusive thoughts, therapy to work through underlying issues, even hypnosis. Things could be different I promise.

Well I have to admit your story is very different. But it fascinates me. I can't really say that I have felt the same way but I despise my father too. He yells at me and it makes me want to die. I have thought about what it would be like if I killed myself and I can't do it because I can't see the people I love asking what drove me to do this and blaming themselves. What I do is I listen to music or I go take a walk and sit somewhere peacefull and just think to myself.

But enough of me, if you really don't like the way you are I would see a doctor or something. YOU are who you choose to be. So choose now. Do you want to hurt people or do you want to be a normal person? Talk to god and fill yourself with positive thoughts. Think of your dog. I once had a dog but he got hit by a car about 1 year after we got him. He was my best friend I know exacatally how you feel. Now imagine trying to hurt him. Can you do it? If so, I would get help but if you can't then that is good. You cannot ever imagine trying to kill him.

So, if you realize that what you are doing is wrong, that is the first step. I wish you luck and send you love. Please forgive me for the terribly long answer but I feel it is neccisary. Good luck!

It sounds like you have mental illness that runs in your family an possibly some really traumatic stuff from your childhood.

You need to be honest about why your desire to hurt others and yourself is so strong.

Don't give up. There are good doctors out there, the only hard part is finding them.

There is a blood test (her in U.S.A) that can determine what anti-depressants won't work for you and that could be a good step forward in you feeling better and especially, not wanting to hurt anyone including yourself.

Best of luck and don't give up.

Never think of killing yourself, you will go in the other worl verybody does, so just don't hurry because you can never turn back here. Think it twise before you do that.

Forget your life.. forget your problems... create a fantasy and live it.. only to yourself