I am just writing to ask about suggestions for dealing with anger and pain of unrequited love; and the person treats you like dirt on top of it. I already know that I was stupid to let it even get that deep, let myself be used, and for me feeling the same way for so long. I totally understand, it won't happen again, and I realize ALL of my mistakes but I don't understand why when you love so hard and have good intentions; people still want to on you. Now I'm not looking for pity or anything; I just need to find some ways to "sit with the pain" like I've been advised. I can't sit; I'm pissed and hating the one man I loved so much & I know he doesn't care because someone else's feelings mean so much more to him. This isn't the first time it has happened; and that is why it's so hard for me to deal right now. When I "sit with pain" it just stays in my heart and festers, and I blow up at the next guy I deal with and I'm hurt all over again. It's like I "implode" instead of exploding and it affects how I deal with others around me. I am sitting here at work right now ; and I want to destroy something literally. I just don't know what to do and its showing in my face and attitude. I can't put on a smiley face and be sociable at this point. If anyone has some basic tips to deal with these feelings and trying to heal would help out a lot. Thanks:)

Well... the first thing is to realize your mistakes and how you got in the situation, (which it sounds like you have done already), next step... FORGET HIM. Sounds hard, I know. The only way I know, is to throw yourself into a project, work, anything. Find something that takes full concentration, and go for it! I jumped into my work when this happened to me. I volunteered at my church, took a bible class in the Evenings, was a pre-school Directors assistant and waitressed part time in the evenings all at the same time. I won't say it's easy, but something the bible taught me was to "take my thoughts captive". Which to me, means that every second that you start to have a thought about him... FORCE yourself to INSTSANTLY think about something else. It's good to have a plan on what you will think about in that moment. For example... You have the angering thought and right away... you tell yourself, "NO!", OK, what is my schedule for the rest of today? Now name in your mind, each thing you must accomplish that day. The strange thing is that after a while, it becomes a habit, and you stop letting your mind torture you. You get used to moving on in your life, because you've got better things to do than think about how mad you are, etc... I really hope this helps. Blessings.

There is a fantastic book written on dealing with anger called "The Anger Trap" by Les Carter. It's $10 bucks on Amazon and should be available in your local major book store (like Barnes & Noble). Highly, highly, highly recommend this whether you have an anger problem or you think someone else does. It also gives a great perspective on how to look at our emotions and our happiness.

And if you are having difficulty forgiving another fantastic book is "The Choosing to Forgive Workbook" by Frank Minirth and Les Carter.

Thank you, I will try those ideas:)

I wish you the very best... keep us posted won't you?

Hi Kia,

You have some really good advice here. I am so sorry you are going through this. Feel like writing the ex a letter... hmmmm Take a look at how some of the other members got rid of those negative thoughts and feelings:

I hope this helps, even just a little Kia. Just know, you are not alone
Take a look at this thread, and if you feel like it, tell your ex everything you are feeling!

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/open-letter-ex-60729-19.html#post399329

Thank You I will write that letter soon. I just want to flip my question around a bit though before I do. Can anyone answer what is the difference between true love and obsession? Can they be one in the same? What if you love someone and want them to be happy; but also feel like you need them around or your life isn't right somehow ( because they have been there for years); so your attempts to move on never last because if they come around you fall in love all over again; but you feel like a significant part of your life is missing or different if they are gone too long?

I think the difference might just be in the underlying motive. Obsession seeks to satisfy self and true love seeks to satisfy others. You can love someone and not be "in love" with them. Love is more than just a feeling, love is acts. Acts we CHOSE to do. So love is a choice, not just something that "happens" to us and is out of our control. Ok more great books... "Love is a Decision" by Gary Smalley and "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.

Okay I kind've don't understand. When someone you are in love with leaves, you hurt & you want them back. That's not obsession though right...

"What if you love someone and want them to be happy; but also feel like you need them around or your life isn't right somehow ( because they have been there for years); so your attempts to move on never last because if they come around you fall in love all over again; but you feel like a significant part of your life is missing or different if they are gone too long?"

That is a good question and also dealt with in the "Anger Trap" book by the way. You said "you need them around"... be careful handing your happiness to someone else. Ultimately it is only you who can decide to be happy or not. Handing someone else the control over your emotional well being is a recipe for constant disappointment.

I wouldn't say that is obsession, it's loss and grief. It's normal to want someone back that you loved when you didn't want them to leave (provided it was a healthy relationship). It's not normal and is obsessive if you can't let go, can't move forward and can't leave them alone.

"It's not normal and is obsessive if you can't let go, can't move forward and can't leave them alone."

Okay... what about 2 out of 3.. lol Seriously though; that was my issue. I only moved on ( with him in the back of my mind) when he stopped calling. As soon as he called my current relationship would fizzle because I couldn't say no to him if he wanted to talk, sleep together or hang out. I would only call him back or talk if he called me though; but I never stopped loving him. I just hope I can move on now...

It's hard but you have to let go for your own sake. Talking to a counselor can really be helpful or even just someone close to you. I feel for you. Good luck and I hope it gets better. It can if you want it to. But we are all here to at least listen though we can't solve it for you.

I am just writing today to vent because its been a particularly rough emotional day today. It's been 3 days since the whole argument and I just feel like I'm drowning and no one is around for me to lean on; even just a little bit. This site is my only outlet for the way I feel. I was just hysterical not to long ago because keep thinking about who he's spending his time with that isn't me. I don't know who to blame anymore except God because I prayed every night, had dreams about him; while trying to hide my feelings by pretending we were friends for such a long time. I tried to date and sleep with other people hoping my feelings would change, but they never did. I never really cut contact wth him . Now that he has told me about someone else, the pain is so fresh because I never heard him mention anyone else before. It cuts like a knife & I just am so lonely right now. I'm a good person who made wrong, wrong, wrong decisions, and I am alone now.

I don't have the energy to do activities, and I've been crying a lot. I can't talk to anyone about this, and I'm so alone. I just don't understand why God would hurt me like this...
It really makes it hard to be a Christian sometimes...
Casting love spells have been running across my mind all day, just to get him back to ease the pain; but I know its silly. I just feel like I prayed so hard either for him to love me, or for my feelings to go away; but neither has happened... I don't even have a new guy in my life or anything... its just hard and unfair..

Anger is so hard to deal with I've been dealing with iot for two months. I still get angry at myself for giving too much and for being to trusting of domeone else's feelings

Okay, I'm having another vent night. Today was difficult one andI am writing as I get ready to go hang out with a guy from out of town. I just realized that I am nervous right now. I a nervous because I don't know how to act or, how to be; for lack of better words. I've been hurt a lot. Ive been hurt in ways where I specifcally have felt like I was passed over, or chosen over for someone else. I used to be very senitive and caring when I was younger and the boyfriend I was in love with got married while we were "working on things" I found out after the fact, yet he said he still loved me. I had a boyfriend after that who became a sex buddy/ friend after a few years, and then he told me one day he was living with his girlfriend. He still would come around but one day I said what did he think about us ,and he said this girl was really in love with him, so he didn't know. Which pretty much meant he was going to stay there. Yet, he claimed he still loved me. Then this guy I totally fell in love with ( most recent) for 5 years that I suppressed my feelings for because he kept saying he wasn't ready for a relationship told me this last time we were about to sleep together that he needed to deal with some chick who had feelings for him, and he knew I still kind of liked this other guy. I flipped out! It was like I blanked out. I screamed and yelled that I told him I loved him countless times before, and even during an argument in the past he said " so what". We kept arguing distanced from each other, and then started talking again and we had smoothed it out. So him tellng me about somebody else hurt me worse than I can even explain. It still hurts,and I am literally afraid of getting close to someone. Even ater that he called the next day to blame and threaten me for something being thrown through his woindow. I had nothing to do with it and had no idea what he was talking about. Yet, he said " I better not see you in the street."
Myself esteem and heart have been stomped on, and I sometimes feel I'm not good enough. It hurts so bad because I don't understand why the men I have cared about seemed to choose somebody else's feelings over mine ( I'm crying now). It's unfair and I don't know if I hide my feelings too much, or I am too sweet...
Anyway, I'm going to go hang out with this guy now. Maybe I'll sleep with him or something to numb the pain tonight.
I just feel so distraught and unsure if I'll ever find a guy who will really love me or give a crap about me without taking advantage just to walk away in the end...

Pray for me you. I need it fr real:)

Kia

Who are you? I mean without any boyfriend? What do you enjoy, like , dislike?
What are your goals, your passions?
You don't have to write it here, just know who you are. Know that you are worth more than what anyone says and you deserve more than the bums you describe.

It just seems, from what you write, that your identity is tied to who you are with.

Try giving dating a break for a while. Volunteer - hospital, nursing home, animal shelter, etc.. The reward of making someone's day will wipe out anger.

Grace and peace

I understand, and I try to focus on getting involved in oher things, but my confidence has felt so shot in my personal life that it sometimes overshadows other things. It's like just a feeling of not being sure how worthy I am in general. What can I say about myself as a woman, if by 26 I haven't held down a good man for a relationship. I know I have my flaws, but don't other women?
I used to be a college athlete for my school & I am a good singer. I just figured that when college was done I would be on the way to settling down with someone. But,I'm further away now than I was then.
Last night the guy from Miami mentioned being my boyfriend and I aid no "you wouldn't want to be". He asked why ( I didn't want to explain my insecurity issues); and then said it was fine, we could keep it caual. I was hoping for a little resistance; someone to kind of fight for me...

Anyway, I didn't really want to but we slept together. While we were sleeping his friend came in and asked what happened last night. I heard him say "nothing, we just went to bed". He didn't introduce me to his group of friends when I got there late last night either. This morning I left for work and he said " call me later.." oh Great..,. I wanted to tell him that I changed my mind, but him telling me to call him later & the fact that I wasn't formerly introduced, makes me feel not so positive about the situation.

As others have tried to tell you, leave the guys alone, and find out who you are, as you are so miserable because you think you need a man to validate your existence. That is so unhealthy, as you should find your own happiness in the things you like to do, and accomplish on your own. Until you are happy with yourself, you will always be frustrated and miserable when someone doesn't make you happy. Be happy, and you will find someone to SHARE it with. For now find you.

Find a way to build up yourself esteem. That was the only way I found out I wasn't in love with the guy who ripped my heart apart, I was really in love with the feeling he gave me when (very few occasions) he made me feel important and wanted. You are important and wonderful by yourself you don't need him. It took me a year to be ready for a relationship with out being afraid I would put myself back into that. Its hard to believe in yourself but definitely worth it.

Kia

What did you study in college?
What sport[s]?
What kinds of music do you sing?

Not many people are athletic and not many can sing , let alone do both, certainly not I.

Don't put yourself down. You sound talented.



Grace and peace

I can understand your feelings almost like despair. It was me. But what everyone is saying is very true no matter how much everyone will advise you to do things, or advised me at the time I didn't listen. All I could think about is him this him that take out old pictures LIVING IN THE PAST why couldn't he love me or what's so special about that girl. The thing is I was too busy thinking aboutthat and didn't take a good look at myself for who I was. I had just got out of high shool didn't really have any hobbies I filtered my knowledge through him and only narrowed my views surrounded by him.


You know you have to want to be yourself. Make yourself appealing to guys that want you. The more interesting things you do with yourself the more curious they want to know or know about you plus it will help with your self-esteem. Confidence for sure. But don't this for the sake of conning them into you, being genuine about your lifestyle.

I'm one to talk, because I posted a question about my relationship. I'm only offering because what you're saying in your postings were what I was writing in my journals. I had no one to talk to and ashamed to. I wish I even had a site to go to at the time. I'm still working on myself. Ongoing process I'm sure for everyone.

Also, I've done the go to the next guy to cover pain. It doesn't work huny. Give yourself control of your body. Its yours and to give away to a stranger you don't even know after a night of knowing him maybe even a week or 2 is not enough to OK the sex. (if that's what you mean by sleeping) if not then excuse this part.


I hope you listen to yourself or your heart more and not what your mind tells you to do. Good luck

Thank you so much for all the advice... I have been thinking about different activities in which to become a part of. I have been searching and emailing a couple of volunteer groups to join. I'm still thinking of joining a choir. I want to try out for a mass choir in my area; one I used to sing in when I was a teenager. I really miss the perfomances ad solos I used to have then. Hopefully I can reconnect...
The reason why all of this is extra difficult is that... in my dumb pursuit to change myself over the past few years because I wanted this guy to really want a relationship & my insecurity about my looks... I attempted a nose job a few months ago. I spent a bunch of money secretly that was given to me, that was supposed to be for something more important and went to get the procedure done. My nose started to look better for awhile, and now it is about the same. I have been so frustrated by this in addition to everything else, that I took off work today tosee the doctor. He told me that it has just swelled up again. I must admit that I am not very confident in his words because I was under the assuption that the nose is supposed to get smaller as it heals; not swell up over and over.
So in addition to this whole guy issue and dating issue, I am dealing with a dumb nose job decision that I haven't seen results of yet. I am more frustrated by this than almost anything.
I see the error in not really accepting myself and looking for outside approval to validate myself. I swear the if God gets me out of this situation with decent looks I will do the work to learn how to accept myself no matter what. I've definitely learned my lesson.
I feel so... dumb... unbelievably screwed and stupid... but like I said.. I have learned my lesson...

Keep the attitude positive and be patient. We all have done things we would like to take back, but we just have to muddle through and learn our lessons and be happy despite our problems. I think seeking positive activities that you will enjoy, is a major step in the right direction and over time will pay big benefits. Be patient as the insides become happier the outside will show it.

Kia

We all make bad choices. It shows a lot of character to keep positive and keep moving on.
Beauty is a lot attitude and self confidence.
There is nothing more attractive than someone who has things going on, is active, is INDEPENDENT.
Neediness is not attractive except those that want to manipulate.

God sees our inner selves -that is where beauty lies.



Grace and peace

Well, I am writing again because I realize that I lost a lot of my independence ( mentally and emotionally), and trying to get back to the right mindset is a little more difficult than I thought. I ralso ealize that I am in a difficult position because I jumped into a lot of financial situations prematurely trying to appeal to the guy I was in love with for the 5 years. I have really just been realizing that I built a lot of my decisions around what I " thought " would appeal to him. Lately I have been feeling mentally scrambled.

I am living in an overpriced apartment and have been barely making rent for over a year now. I would love to get involved in new activities but since I moved I haven't been able to keep myself up like I'm used to ( hair,clothes, etc.), not to mention lacking expenses to buy food,gas and gnerally going out to do things with friends. I am still in school, but have retaken 2 semesters so far. I still have a year left on my lease also. I guess I just have not been myself; just very stressed out. I guess this has contributed to my situations throughout this past year also.

I think if I felt more secure financially I could have some peace of mind & start doing more things I enjoy that would take my mind off my situations.

General questions; anyone have suggestions on the best way get out of a lease early? Has anyone subleted before?

General questions; anyone have suggestions on the best way get out of a lease early? Has anyone subleted before?


You can have someone take over your lease, possible to talk with the apartment manager and help find someone else for you by posting an ad out or you can.

Ok, so I am back)) Just would like anyone's input on this situation. So I moved on to a new guy and did this deciding that I was not looking for someone for physical reasons, and decided to be with someone who really appreciated me, and see how it goes. I met a guy who is nice, a little overweight for me and not as tall. But, we initially connected because he is a writer and has seemed so far to really like me. He compliments me a lot, and to be honest I need that right now. I need appreciation because my heart has been crushed so many times. In addition, I'm counting down the days to when this doctor can redo my nose, because I haven't been so happy when I look in the mirror.

The thing is we are in a relationship right now and... this guy is talking celibacy! Why?! Actually he says he is "nerdy" when it comes to women and he's masturbated so much in the last few years that he has been told he has an "issue' with it staying up. He says he has to wait a few weeks before he can stay hard long enough to have sex. But then he jokes that we should be celibate or something. When we tried to get together a couple times he lost his hard on in the middle, or he couldnt keep it up losng enough to start. Now the thing is I have asked him to do "other " things while in bed with me until he "recovers"; but he acts like he doesn't want to. He goes back to how "inexperienced' he is, and talks about his nerdiness. He's not that d^%*& nerdy! I don't think so anyway. He's 31 and I don't understand what's up. I had sex with a guy friend of mine recently because I needed to. I just don't understand all of this.

Needless to say.. I have been thinking a lot about the guy I was in love with for 6 years because I loved him and he was one of the best in bed to me; if not the best. I've been thinking about him so much lately, though he hurt me soooo bad and I guess it would be beyond unhealthy to call him again. But this is where I don't know what to do! I try to do what's " best" for me and my emotional health; but it doesn't feeeel any better! This other guy has been running through my head constantly and I'm really starting to miss him again... Just his presence in my life seemed to make me happy; or fulfill something in me; even when he hurt my feelings...

Your looking for love in all the wrong places and I think you should leave the relationships alone until you can get a handle on your personal issues. No one can make you happy and appreciate yourself but YOU and until you do your choices in men and relationships will surely fail, causing more misery and pain and unhappiness. You need time for just you and help guiding you through the process of being happy with yourself. Until then no relationship will make you happy.

I would also take time for yourself and heal. I don't think you completely healed from your ex. And I think until you do the next relationship will fail.

Hold off on relationships for a while. Seems like you just need to wait for a little while.
As for your anger..... try working out to get some tension off your back.:)

I would like to try to take some time out in my life to be by myself, but its like ridiculously hard. Its ideal of course, but I have hot friends, who are always dating and having fun. I also feel so bad about myself when I'm alone. I guess because of the nose issue and everything, I need someone to want me, maybe even more than before.

I slept with a guy last night... a really, really cute one that I like. But I will never tell him... unless he tells me first. He really attractive though, and I know he's got women wanting him. I prayed last night though for a miracle that maybe he would want me anyway, even though we've only slept together. As soon as I got home I callled my "celibate" boyfriend because I needed to feel wanted. He answered at like 2am and it made me feel a little better. Its almost like I sleep with guys I feel like are out of my league; especially right now. I still want really good looking men in my life, and the only way I feel like I can keep them is by sleeping with them. It's a shame, and I hate it. I guess that's why I wanted the nose job. I just felt that if I got it done right, I wouldn't have to sleep with the men I really want to keep them around.

I'm going back to see the doctor today. I pray that he can do something to help my situation soon..

Hunni, before a man can love you, you must love yourself... wise words.

A nose job will make you look different, but what needs to change is your idea of keeping good looking men in your life by sleeping with them. You should really see a counselor.

Well I'm just writing to ask everyone to pray for me that my nose turns out a lot better than now because I'm going to get it redone next week. My doctor finally said okay.

I know it seems like I need counseling, which I have tried before. But counseling advice is good, but I guess I do look for positive feedback from the outside world. I mean how you feel about yourself, does affect how you project yourself to a certain degree. But I do believe there is some truth to the saying " when you look good, you feel good". I mean, not to be shallow, but the hotter you look on the outside, people tend to treat you better. Well at least your personal life can change for the better...
My personal life has always been the hardest part for me. I am involved in different activities and stuff now. I also feel that I am smart, and have the capacity to be more outgoing and happy. I'm just always concerned if I'm attractive enough, and that in itself brings me down more often than not.
But anyway, please pray for me, I need all of the prayers I can get!

I don't really have much experience but I will give you some advice here:
Be yourself. There is nothing sadder than watching someone pretend to be someone they are not. You'll never feel truly accepted by anyone if who they accept isn't the real you. Men can detect a "phony" easily, and it is not attractive. Your personality is your number one tool to attract men—so use it.
Be confident. Insecurity is never cute. Men love women who are comfortable in their own skin. Know that you are fabulous without being conceited, and it will show. You'll be more attractive to men and people in general.
Create an image. Don't get all high maintenance, but taking pride in your appearance is a must. Men are visual creatures, and attraction starts with what they see. Work out to keep yourself in shape. Dress in flattering clothes that express your individual style. Wear make-up that complements your skin tone, and always smell good.
Play up your assets. Focus on what's great about your body, instead of your perceived flaws.
A beautifl lady is someone has a beautiful heart, I am sure you do, a wise man will see you.. :)

Okay.. so I'm fresh out of getting my nose redone. And guess what? I can't see the difference. Maybe its because I'm all bruised up, I don't know. But, I am so sick of this whole ordeal. I'm walking around with a bruised nose, I've been isolating myself because I don't want people to see me this way. I've even started smoking to pass the time.

I'm just thinking, maybe I should give it up. Maybe I should just try to accept who I am.. or what's left of me. But that's so hard for me for some reason.

I broke up with the last guy I was seeing, and now I feel a little alone again. We're friends, but now he tells me he is looking for a women who's my size but with a bigger rear end. Whatever! I'm just so spent with trying to change myself. Its like I see where some physical attributes could be improved but when I go to change it, its not done correctly, or it s half job. Maybe the surgeon is bad...

Anyway I am pretty tired of this personal rat race and isolation I'm putting myself in. I miss just dressing up and going out and feeling okay, even if I didn't get all the guys I wanted, or seeing guys that I like who know what I look like already.

I guess at some point I have to let go, I just...

Its like a feeling of "what if" I do this one last thing.. then Ill look exactly how I want to look like. If I don't Ill be stuck accepting what I could have made better if I just kept trying. On the other hand, if it never gets there I will be further from my goal than when I started & be totally different looking..

I guess I just have to make a decision...