Hey all,

I feel like I am sturggling a bit, there are a few things I just want to get an opinion on...

As you may, or may not, know, I have been talking with my ex in a friendly manner for a few weeks now. It is probably true that I never totally got over her, but things were looking quite good as far as getting back together, and I didn't want to ruin that. AFter a conversation last night, I am starting to feel I may have been wrong.

I have known all along that she had feelings for someone else, though not much can happen between them because of their school situation, and he is moving away. In any case, she mentioned to me on the phone that she was afraid "I had forgotten" he was there, as she was not mentioning him as I asked. Truth is, I never forgot that he was there, though I was thinking he was less in the picture as she never talked about it. She wanted to be sure that I didn't forget that he was there, and she didn't want me to slip into thinking we were already getting back together. This made me feel as if there was something bigger going on, and she was afraid to tell me, but in all honesty, nothing is and I was just overreacting to what I already knew.

I was upset, and still am to a degree, but its more confusion than anything. I honestly believe I was beginning to heal even while I was talking to her. I could see her as a just a friend, and I still do, but saying things like "the reason we broke up was because I wanted to be single" still hurt me.

Now I am not sure where I need to be headed. I would love to remain friends with her. We have been talking once or twice during the week, and would see each other on the weekends sometime. I will not be home for another two weeks, and this is when she is out of school and this other someone is gone.

I know I am most likely going to be told to disappear and not talk to her at all, but I'm not sure if I can do that knowing she still thinks about us being together in the future. She has told me that lately she has been 'waiting' for the summer to see what happens, and that is basically what I wanted to do. After all, its only two weeks away. I also know that she still has feelings for me (she has kissed me, holding my hand, hugging me, etc), but she seems to be a different person at school. She told me that this may be because "he" is at school, and she is more distracted by friends.

Im starting to get really sick of being upset every single day. For God's sake, three months is long enough. I hate waking up and being down about everything. I hate being afraid to think about anything for fear of upsetting myself. I hate wanting to call her, just to talk to her, and knowing that I cannot/should not.

How can I leave her behind when there is a chance (from both sides) we will be together again?? Does moving on and getting over it necessarily mean there is no more chance?

Sorry for the long post, sometimes I just get sick of my life the way it is, and that scares me.

Yeh no contact will help you. After a period of healing then you can decide. You will be more emotionally stable as well. Give it a good few months probably about 6 before you start light contact again. Of course if she is seeing someone else by then, then hey you would have moved on, if your still hurting now is not a good time. Every time you speak to her your going back to square one! So NC for a bit, concentrate on the things you want to do and what you enjoy. Have fun enjoy life. Or in a few months you wouldn't have got anywhere.

I just thought of another point:

If the thought of her with someone else still bothers me that much, its obvious I haven't gotten over her. I just don't see how I can get over her, because I can't walk away from an opportunity to have the best thing I've ever had.. again.

Exactly! Well maybe it isn't the best thing ever. Why put your life on hold. Learn and be stronger, next time don't give yourself away to easy. Hold back a bit in your next relationship and have your own life, that way it will be easier with your next break. Unfortunately if one pair doesn't fit then we move onto the next until we find the right one and this isin't usually until were in our 30's + Also I don't believe in the one, so plenty of fishes who can provide something new and refreshing :P Just keep your friends and family close. You can only rely on yourself!

AND OF COURSE YOU CAN GET OVER HER.

Thanks for the advice Jiser...

I know that I can get over her, but this is my problem.

How can I move on, as in give up on her, when I know there is a chance. Its probably stupid, but all I want is to be with her again, and I know there is a chance. Knowing this makes it so much harder to move on, because that requires me saying "Its never going to happen again".

I feel like my choice is: Keep hurting and wait to see what happens with the chance we have, or move on and risk being miserable because I will always wonder what if.

I can't say I know exactly what your going through but I am hurt all the same. I still love my ex boyfriend and he claims to love me too. But whether we get back together is still unanswered. He wants me and I want him and there is only one thing in our way. And that is fear, the fear of getting hurt again, the fear of losing that "one", the fear feeling that same pain and getting the same wounds all over again. But I plan on stepping up because wounds will heal even though the scars remain. You should not fear but embrace. If you leave her alone one of two things could happen... 1) she could miss you dearly and realize you are her "one". Or 2) she could forget your existence and date that other guy. Which ever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck. And if you ever need anybody to talk to, about anything, please know I am here. I may not know you and you not know me, but that doesn't mean we can't help each other get through this mess called our love lifes.

If they wanted you back, they would bloodie well let you know! So if they don't there is no chance, none of this hot and cold rubbish, move on and get healthy both of u

If they wanted you back, they would bloodie well let you know! So if they don't there is no chance, none of this hot and cold rubbish, move on and get healthy both of u

So basically your saying by moving on, I'm not really making anything impossible...

If its going to happen that way, it will no matter how I have moved on?

I only hope that I can remain to get better while remaining in contact with her. It seemed to be working, and I still feel healthier than I was, though this latest incident makes me challenge whether it is possible for me to lose the desire to be with her, when I am friends with her. I know its harder this way, I just hope its still possible.

Thanks again for all the advice Jiser, to be honest, I look up to how well you've handled your situation -- I hope I can be there sooner rather than later.

You are not going to get over her as long as you are stuck in hope of a reconciliation and are still talking to her. The fact that she made a point to remind you about the other person says that she knows you want to get back together and this was her way of letting you know that it isn't happening. She was slowing you down and reminding you that you are no longer together. You clearly don't want to get over her and until you reach a point that you are either ready to try to get over her or know that you absolutely must get over her for your own sake, you will continue to torture yourself in trying to be her friend. Everyone would like to be friends after a breakup, it's just simply impossible right away sometimes and that's life.

It sounds like you haven't really accepted her reasons for breaking up and that you are hoping that this other guy will just "go away" as he is moving to go to school. But the trouble here is that the problem likely isn't all about the other guy. If she wants to be single there will likely be some other guy if it isn't the one who is moving.

I just think that you are playing with fire here and are going down a road where you will be hurt. She still kind of "has you" while getting to date other guys. If fact she still has you waiting. She may begin to lose some respect for you. I read in a book somewhere "Hanging around and being available if your ex wants you back does nothing for your self esteem and nothing to make you more attractive in his or her eyes. Neediness is not as appealing as self confidence." Just keep this in mind. Be true to your own needs and be careful here.

If she wants you back she will let you know. I agree with Jiser. This waiting around business is not helping you. If she wants to date other guys, she likely will whether you are being her "friend" or not. I hope you don't have to learn the hard way like I did.

I have been doing a bit of thinking today, and I think I have gotten somewhere...

First off: SouthernBelle,
It is hard for me not to wait around because of the actions that she "accidentally" does. Holding my hand, kissing me, saying she sees us in the future, etc. She did all of this unprompted, and completely out of the blue. To be honest, I think her mind changes too much, and I analyze what she was doing too much.

You are right about the being too available thing. I was trying to be her friend, and I was not contacting her at all. I was giving her the space that she wanted, but I wasn't letting her know that I was gone. She has known the entire time that I am still here, and she is using that against me - whether she knows it or not.

Now the part that scares me. She will lose all of her friends in two weeks. They are all moving quite far away, as her schooling is over. This includes the other someone. When this happens, she will be expecting me to be here, for her to talk to. All of a sudden, I am good enough to talk to again - because nothing else is left for her to do.

Maybe I'm just angry, but I am starting to feel like I am being used, whether she likes it or not. I guess it is just hard to see when she is so sweet and caring on the phone and to my face. From the bottom of my heart, I don't think she is doing it on purpose. I have forced her to realize some of it, and it upset her deeply. I give her the benefit of a doubt that she doesn't mean to hurt me, but it still hurts.

I will be damned if I am going to stay around and be plan B. If she wants to talk to me, fine. I may answer, I may not. I am not going to ignore her, that's for sure.

I won't be calling her, IMing her, or texting her. If she calls me, I may answer, or I may not. She needs to start to see that I am not sitting around. I haven't been waiting for her phone call, but I also haven't moved on, and she knows it.

When the weekends come, it will be hardest. I want to talk to her more than anything most of the time, but I can't allow myself to follow her around while she takes her sweet time deciding what she wants. To tell me that she still cares for me, and sometimes sees a future with me, and at the same time to say that I need to remember there is someone else in the picture is playing games... is it not?

Indeed it is! You can't wait on her. Live your own life. You won't always be around for her to fall back on. She needs to realize that and make up her mind.

You are not going to get over her as long as you are stuck in hope of a reconciliation and are still talking to her. The fact that she made a point to remind you about the other person says that she knows you want to get back together and this was her way of letting you know that it isn't happening. She was slowing you down and reminding you that you are no longer together. You clearly don't want to get over her and until you reach a point that you are either ready to try to get over her or know that you absolutely must get over her for your own sake, you will continue to torture yourself in trying to be her friend. Everyone would like to be friends after a breakup, it's just simply impossible right away sometimes and that's life.

It sounds like you haven't really accepted her reasons for breaking up and that you are hoping that this other guy will just "go away" as he is moving to go to school. But the trouble here is that the problem likely isn't all about the other guy. If she wants to be single there will likely be some other guy if it isn't the one who is moving.

I just think that you are playing with fire here and are going down a road where you will be hurt. She still kind of "has you" while getting to date other guys. If fact she still has you waiting. She may begin to lose some respect for you. I read in a book somewhere "Hanging around and being available if your ex wants you back does nothing for your self esteem and nothing to make you more attractive in his or her eyes. Neediness is not as appealing as self confidence." Just keep this in mind. Be true to your own needs and be careful here.

If she wants you back she will let you know. I agree with Jiser. This waiting around business is not helping you. If she wants to date other guys, she likely will whether you are being her "friend" or not. I hope you don't have to learn the hard way like I did.
I agree with you SouthernBelle. You've been pushed over for this other guy. I think you could either: Take back your place by pushing over the other guy, or leave her alone to her manipulative games. Anyway just by going on with your life you will still be more appealing than by waiting for her. But please, do something or move on. You have to ask yourself, Do you want to be second best after that guy goes away, anyway? Note: By answering no you do become BETTER) In time she will realise what she had and what she lost. Little comfort though.

No contact! It is as simple as that! You have no other option if you truly want to feel better.

Well I can only say that if you go here, https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search.php?searchid=1298646
And reread the good advice you have gotten since Feb, You would have been well on your way to good health by now, but its not to late to do as Skell has said and do the NO CONTACT the right way, and not your way. You have been tip toeing around it, holding out hope, and reacting to her touch, so now forget all of that, and don't call or return calls, disappear from her life and get one that you enjoy without her in it. Leave her alone and let her live her life without you, and the confusion will clear and you will feel so much better.

By only waiting for her, THE FACT IS; IF she ever deceides ''she loves you'' and comes back, it will be for all the wrong reasons.

Well I can only say that if you go here, https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search.php?searchid=1298646
And reread the good advice you have gotten since Feb, You would have been well on your way to good health by now, but its not to late to do as Skell has said and do the NO CONTACT the right way, and not your way. You have been tip toeing around it, holding out hope, and reacting to her touch, so now forget all of that, and don't call or return calls, disappear from her life and get one that you enjoy without her in it. Leave her alone and let her live her life without you, and the confusion will clear and you will feel so much better.

Tal,

I agree with you, and I have always understood yours and skells point, however I have a question that has always been in my way. I understand what NC is for, why it should be used, and how it works... my issue is this:

How am I supposed to implement NC when there is a definite chance that something could come of what we had. Im not saying it would be easy, and it might not even be worth it, but I am certain she still feels for me, and is afraid of me moving on. Implementing NC would be me slamming that door, not only in her face, but in my own as well. I can't deny that I want what I had back, and to remove the only opportunity to get that seems senseless to me.

I understand that I have the issue of being pushed aside, and it would take serious work for me to trust her again, but these things aside... what if I am ruining the only chance that I have left?

Does the use of NC automatically mean I am closing the door on this possibility? Or am I just removing it from my mind, and leaving the actions to her?

No contact gives you a chance to heal and make decisions based on facts and not emotions. To get healthy and see things clearly. To get unstuck from the nonproductive notions, and get your confidence back into your life.


and leaving the actions to her?

You are taking back control of your life, and finding your own happiness.

You've been trippin' the last 3 months, and how much progress have you made, honestly?

I know I need to take control of my emotions back.

Over the last three months I think that I have made some progress, though its not as much as it should be. I was hoping that by summer time (one week from now) we could be friends, or possibly more.

I am much more able to deal with the emotions that confront me everyday. I no longer get upset to the point of crying about it, and for the most part, I have accept what has happened.

Still though, I am hesitant to cut all contact if it means closing the door on any chance of reconciliation. I am not naïve enough to say that my situation is so much different than any other, though it seems that in most cases, one party becomes extremely distant and forces the other to move on. To this point, that has not happened, and she has told me her feelings about me.

I made it clear that I cannot hear that, as it holds me back, but that doesn't stop me from knowing that the feelings exist. Maybe there is no answer, but does it really come down to the choice between feeling better and no chance, or a chance and feeling horrible?

What Tal said!

And

If something is going to be (which is highly unlikely anyway), no contact will not prevent it from happening.

What no contact will do is give you both a chance to move forward in positive direction. Assess your lives and where you are at. Reflect on what was wrong before. You will move on. And then if things are meant to be and you somehow come back together the relationship will be much better, because it will involve two healthy and different people to the one that failed last time.

Your hanging onto false hope. It is killing you. You have to start today. No more contact. Nothing. But I am quite sure you won't listen. You just can't accept that it is over and has been for a fair while now!

She has let go. That's why she is comfortable being friends with you. She doesn't really care for you anymore other than as someone who once she did care about. Nothing more.

She doesn't want you back.

She is interested in someone else.

You are in massive massive denial. Until you can accept that it is over you will make as much progress as you have to this point, and that is zero.

Well you're almost there my friend, getting stronger... hold on to these sturdy feelings and follow them strictly... u'll be fine in just 2 weeks... trust me... no one is indispensable... life is moving fast and so should you... see that u don't lag behind and lose some of the beautiful moments that life has to unfold each day... be good to yourself...

I don't think that by not being her "friend" you are closing the door to a reconciliation if one were to happen. That is not what I am saying by "no contact" anyway. Can't you just be honest with her and tell her that a friendship between exes isn't always a good idea? Tell her that it is not always easy for you because you feel more for her than just friendship? Just tell her that it is not a good idea because it is confusing the issue? Can't you say "I would possibly be open to a reconciliation, but a friendship is too hard because I think of you as more than just friends?" Tell her to call you if anything changes and go on with your life. That way she will know to leave you alone unless she wants you back. This will clear the issue for everyone involved. And how is that not being open to a reconciliation on your part? It's just being honest and not playing games. Someone who dumps someone shouldn't be completely shocked if a friendship is difficult on the one who was left anyway. Please!

I am not saying that you should ignore all contact from her after that or if she were to say hello to you in public you should run the other direction or ignore her existence. Why don't you just cool the friendship part for your own sake? Like Skell said it's killing you and sometimes you just have to look out for yourself in life. If you pull back, it may make her rethink taking you for granted if you do think that she has feelings for you. If she is so worried about losing you, let her step up and do something about it and ask for a reconciliation if that is what she wants. I am not saying that if she were to call one day and say "hey, I want to try again" you would be in such "no contact" that you wouldn't even return that call. Do you see what we are saying at all? Just stop making it easier on her than it is on yourself. Nobody respects someone who does that. By cooling the friendship, she may or may not come back (if she was going to anyway... and who knows?) but at least you can start to try to get over it either way and stop this torture.

And if she doesn't ever call after you make your feelings known and just goes out with some other guy instead? Well, there's your answer and you will know how she truly feels about you by her actions. You did all you could. Just my opinion...

She has let go. Thats why she is comfortable being friends with you. She doesnt really care for you anymore other than as someone who once she did care about. Nothing more.

She doesnt want you back.

She is interested in someone else.

You are in massive massive denial. Until you can accept that it is over you will make as much progress as you have to this point, and that is zero.

Skell,

I appreciate the help, just as I did in the beginning when you gave me tons of advice. What it boils down to is this: For some damn reason, I am still afraid to "hurt her feelings". Why? I don't know, she hasn't seemed to care much for what I think.

The part that was hard for me was the amount of leading on that she did to me I suppose. Its hard for me to think that she doesn't want me back when she tells me how she sees a future with me and all of this other bull@#%$.

I wouldn't say that I am in denial. Trust me, I am well aware that the relationship is over. The problem is, I am also aware that feelings exist on both sides. If anything, I have been going back and forth - I would let go of the thought of reconciliation for a week or two, then it would come back. It's a horrible push and shove in my head.

No disrespect to you, but I also disagree that I have made 0 progress. I understand that I am not nearly as healthy as I should be, but I have made progress. To be completely honest with you, up until now, I have been afraid to get angry. I felt it was immature of me to be angry that she broke up with me. I thought it was wrong to feel betrayed that I was pushed aside for something "that might be better".

Maybe I'm wrong now, but I'm pretty angry. I have no intentions of trying to make this easier on her anymore. I have spent the last months trying to heal myself, and not let her know that I am in pain. Maybe she doesn't know how much she hurt me, or maybe she doesn't care. At this point, it really doesn't matter.

Its her loss either way, and I refuse to try to save her from hurting herself. She made her bed...

Thanks again, and sorry for being so stubborn. I suppose I fell into the trap of being naïve about the situation and thinking something was different. Maybe I fooled myself into thinking that I am stronger than I really am? I thought I could handle it, but I understand there is nothing more detrimental to myself than to keep myself in this cycle.

She made her choice, let her live with the consequences.

Again, I want to apologize to everyone for being such a stubborn SOB. It hurts to think that there is no future at all, even as friends, between us - but that's the way I must think. It may happen, it may not... but for the time being, I need to be happy again.

I refuse to let this drag on throughout my summer break.

Thanks, and sorry again:o

Your not being stubborn, maybe a little blind but I can see you are a good guy and that's why we just want you to do what is best for you and so far it is hard to say that that is what you have done.

You probably have made progress, maybe I was a little over the top with saying you have made none, but you have made it the hard way. No one is saying it should be easy. It isn't. It is real hard and I can vouch for that. But you haven't helped yourself.

I think you know what the best thing to do now is. It won't be easy but it I almost guarantee you will be glad you finally do what is best for you.

You don't want this to ruin your holiday do you! I am for one gutted I was dumped, especially for this summer when my best mate is going away - I won't see him for 5 months. But hey we live and learn and we have to make the best out of what we have. Ive booked lots of holidays, gigs, festivals and planned lots to do this summer when I finish my placement year (Working) so I keep myself busy!! That is so important. DO not mope about.

She doesn't care about you right now, if she did, she would be contacting you. You don't need her. Be strong,

As they say, her interest level has in you dropped in quite significantly my friend... You're a tool to her. I don't know how else to say it.

Move on. You don't need to talk to her. She won't be that sad when you move on... She'll probably be relieved. Why don't you mention that all this is hurting you and that you need to go one way or the other to move on? You won't like the answer I think... That's why it's better to take initiative and stop returning her calls. Tell her once, to be clear, but I really think you're just setting yourself up for a fall doing anything otherwise.

I agree with LBP. As I mentioned on my other post I think that he needs to tell her that he still cares for her as more than friends and that keeping in touch as friends only is too difficult for him. Then he needs to try to move on. I don't think that he should play games and just start ignoring her without explanation though. He will feel too guilty for that because he said he feels like he is "hurting her". But what about himself getting hurt by sticking around in a degrading situation? He needs to think about that too. If she wants to be with him again and to reconcile, she will let him know. He doesn't trust that fact and he needs to.

But at the same time, he shouldn't count on the ex coming back no matter how badly he may want her to. The sad truth is that most of us on here wanted our exes back too (myself included) but we finally had to accept the fact that it was over, realize that there is little to nothing we can do about it, go through the inevitable grieving we tried to avoid, and try to move on.

I honestly think a fast clean getaway is in order, because if you have followed this poster there is no way she doesn't know exactly how he feels, and what he wants, yet instead of closure he has been led along for the past few months. Enough is enough, and I think complete no contact is in order starting now. Say hi in public, but otherwise unavailable completely, why spare her an explanation she doesn't need? Time to heal and move on. Anything else is an excuse to keep the door open, and in truth its been closed and locked for months.

Thanks for all the input guys, I guess where a lot of my confusion (perhaps denial) comes from is that I cannot understand her motives.

I know I have not been following NC, but this is what I have done... I have not contacted her in the last month and a half. Any conversation we have had, was purely her initiation. What confuses me so much is that it is quite often said..."If she has any reason to talk to you, she will let you know". Well she has been calling me, and I haven't been ignoring her, just trying to keep any emotional connection out of the conversation.

Can anyone explain why she would be doing this? I am quite certain she isn't stringing me along on purpose, as I said, she still cares for me, and I know she isn't intentionally hurting me. What seems rational to me is that maybe she is more ready to be friends with me than I am with her? Is it possible she just doesn't realize that she is much more emotionally healed than I?

I think you know what the best thing to do now is. It wont be easy but it i almost guarantee you will be glad you finally do what is best for you.


If she wants to be with him again and to reconcile, she will let him know. He doesn't trust that fact and he needs to.


Two things that were said caught my eye...

Skell said that I know what the best thing to do is, and I think your right. Its becoming more and more apparent that I can't continue to let myself be hurt to spare her feelings. SouthernBelle also said that I don't trust in the fact, and I need to. I have started to raelize that what I do, has no bearing on whether she will come back or not. If she wants to, she will try, no matter where in life I am.

What I did realize, however, is the reason I have yet to make the commitment to move on. I honestly believe that it is a lack of trust in myself, and maybe a lack of self-esteem, that is keeping me from moving forward. I feel like I cannot do it, and if I try, I will just lose what I have - which in reality is nothing much at all. The worst part is, by staying here, I am hurting my self-esteem and self-confidence even more. It's a vicious cycle.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that her decision has been quite clear, and I have been making excuses for her.

Common join the club! The road to healing, jump on the band wagon and lets gogo!

Thanks all for the great advice...

Its going to be tough, because we will both be back home for good during the summer, and I can guarantee she will want to spend time with me. I figure, the sooner I can start this and get it over with, the sooner I can be happy again and not care what's going on with her.

I just hope that I can be committed enough to myself to say no if she says she has realized it was a mistake.

Fool me once but not fool me twice! By the summer you need to be in a healthy fun life. Do what you need to do to get there, and enhance your life with some amazing experiances, never let an oppurinity down - that is apart from said ex!

I am looking forward to summer. I think it will be a great time for me to keep busy and move on. Its much harder for me to be busy at school, as this school is terrible on the social/fun level.

Ill finally have a full time internship for work, hanging out with my friends on the weekends, and probably spend some of the money I'm making on myself :)

At the same time, I can't deny that I'm a bit sad about not spending time with her this summer. Even after the breakup, she had made plans and asked me to do things with her this summer, and perhaps I still will be able to. Only time will tell now, and I must wait to see how healed I have become by then.

Yeh I wish I was with my ex for the summer, but its not going to happen so Ive made lots of plans and so should you!

Sometimes when we are so focused on something, we miss other things that we should be paying attention to. When we can finally see the things we missed, we can feel pretty bad we didn't pay attention in the first place. Good luck with no contact the right way, and keep us posted.

Thanks again Tal and Jiser and everyone else...

I'll dfinately keep you posted as time goes by.

Its pretty sick how I am so worried about her getting upset, but at the same time when she shows no signs of being upset at all - I feel let down.

While I was worried that she would be upset by contact ceasing between us, I find myself wondering if she doesn't get upset if she really cared at all...

Sometimes its funny how self-destructive the mind is

Honestly, my friend, like I said before... in all likelihood she just doesn't care at all. Sorry. That's the way life is sometimes, especially when it comes to young women. You'll get used to it.

Last time I ever talked to my ex was directly before I burned the phone card I used to call her and her phone number... I thought I'd give it one last right, just for the sake of it. I told her, "Have a nice life." Her response? "What do you expect me to say?" I told her, you don't have to say anything... Then she told me to stop obsessing and mentioned how it "wasn't very cool" of me to use an internet website to work through my problems.

It's funny how you come to realize that things tend to happen for a reason.

Hi all,

I'm back, but I don't really need advice right now, just wanted to keep my thoughts together, so I figured that I'd write them down here..

I've started to realize why I am still sad. Its not so much that I miss her or want her back anymore... No, I think I'm over that for the most part. The part that still makes me sad is that it seems that she threw away what she had for something that isn't going to happen. I'm starting to see her as someone who is totally stuck on someone else, waiting around to see what happens with him in order to go on with her life.

That makes me sad, because its just sad to see that kind of a decline in a person that I knew to be much stronger. Im also sad because it seems she changed, and honestly I don't know if I'd want who she's become. She isn't the same person I dated 3 months ago. Its sad to think about, but I'm not feeling sorry for me, I'm feeling sorry for her.

I FINALLY understand what you guys always meant by "seeing things more clearly and for what they really are". Maybe it didn't as much as I thought, just the conversation with her that sparked the 'anger' and the reflection I've been doing.

I'm starting to see her as someone who is totally stuck on someone else, waiting around to see what happens with him in order to go on with her life.



:eek: :eek: :eek:
We'll I just reread that after I wrote it and I think I might be sick :p

That's exactly what I've been for the last three months, and now I'm seeing it from the other side. Its sickening, and not attractive at all. Even if I tried to hide it, I'm sure my true colors shone (sp?) through.

Its funny, for the first time in a LONG time, things are starting to make sense to me. I guess that's a good sign :rolleyes: :o

Thanks again, I'm starting to see that for the last few months I've been my own worst enemy.

If you are sad that she threw away what you guys had together for something that may never happen (this other guy) that's her problem! Let her live with the consequences of her own decisions! It's nothing YOU should feel sorry for HER for! Come on...

I know its her problem, and I know there's nothing I can do about it, I guess it just sucks that it had to happen that way, but oh well its over and done with now.

I'm still looking forward to getting over this, ill be happy when I can not care what's happening, or hear from her without having a second thought about it. I just woke up, and mornings are still the toughest. The first hour or so I miss her terribly, I need time to remind myself of what has happened to get back in the right mindset.

It's been 3 months since she broke up with me. I let go of her about 3 weeks ago and once you do that you start to see the red flags, things she said and did to hurt me. The hurt and pain in my heart is gone and I'm not anxious any more I'm coming out of my safe zone (my house) and going out more. I don't know if I'm getting over faster then normal because she did break up with me a lot of times. But I didn't think I would ever heal and I am, and finding this web site has helped me sooooo much. I am so strong now and so will you my friend. Give it time. I still think of her and her son and what we would all be doing this summer but it don't hurt no more when I think of them. So let her go and heal.

Hey guys,

Just looking for some insight from the pros :)

I have been thinking about her actions in the past few weeks and such, and one thing really stands out in my mind. The last time we talked, the conversation which pushed me to get angry, she seemed to be dropping a lot of hints... She was saying things like: "Any other breakup that I have had, We just stopped talking to each other for a while" and things along those lines. At the time, I didn't see that as a hint, but now it looks like a huge red flag.

The funny thing is, I asked her point blank... "Would it be easier for you, if we didnt talk anymore?", and she said "I dont want that, but if its easier for you then yes". And since then, though I have only said about 10 words to her all week, she messaged me online to see how I was. In addition to that, the next morning she sent me a message to give me some irrelevant information about a dentist appointment (assuming I cared I suppose), and last night she sent me a text message saying "I hope your day was good". I missed the text message and one of the internet conversations, and the first internet message I responded, but it consisted of a total of about 10 words. (FYI, this first conversation was before I had created this post and decided NC was necessary).

What confuses me today is why she would drop hints like she did and then not seem to follow thorugh on them. I have not called, IMd, emailed, or text messaged her in almost a week now, but she still seems to want to talk to me.

Maybe she feels bad, though I find that pretty unlikely. Maybe she wasn't dropping hints, but that also seems unlikely. I really don't get it??

Nothing to get. Cut her the hell out of your life. If she cared she wouldn't text - she'd actually give you something.

Honestly, just from all this, I'm starting to dislike this girl. Lord knows you've been through worse than just me reading it. You're better than this. GET OUT NOW!! You don't want to be involved with someone so cowardly that she can't even get the truth out without stumbling all over her bull crap.

Maybe she feels bad, though I find that pretty unlikely. Maybe she wasn't dropping hints, but that also seems unlikely. I really don't get it??
Well let see every time she makes contact, you end up confused, unbalanced, emotional, and like today curious, all designed to keep her on your mind. I would say she was highly successful.

Nothing to get. Cut her the hell out of your life. If she cared she wouldn't text - she'd actually give you something.

Honestly, just from all this, I'm starting to dislike this girl. Lord knows you've been through worse than just me reading it. You're better than this. GET OUT NOW!!! You don't want to be involved with someone so cowardly that she can't even get the truth out without stumbling all over her bull crap.

Trust me, Im getting out :)

I was just trying to figure out why she would be doing that. Maybe it all still boils down to the fact that she's confused and I've let her confusion become my confusion...


Well let see every time she makes contact, you end up confused, unbalanced, emotional, and like today curious, all designed to keep her on your mind. I would say she was highly successful.

That definitely makes sense, because its what she has done. I just didn't think it could be that simple and that mean spirited.

Hey guys,

Just lookin for some insight from the pros :)

I have been thinkin about her actions in the past few weeks and such, and one thing really stands out in my mind. The last time we talked, the conversation which pushed me to get angry, she seemed to be dropping a lot of hints... She was saying things like: "Any other breakup that I have had, We just stopped talking to each other for a while" and things along those lines. At the time, i didnt see that as a hint, but now it looks like a huge red flag.

The funny thing is, I asked her point blank...."Would it be easier for you, if we didnt talk anymore?", and she said "I dont want that, but if its easier for you then yes". And since then, though I have only said about 10 words to her all week, she messaged me online to see how I was. In addition to that, the next morning she sent me a message to give me some irrelevant information about a dentist appointment (assuming I cared I suppose), and last night she sent me a text message saying "I hope your day was good". I missed the text message and one of the internet conversations, and the first internet message I responded, but it consisted of a total of about 10 words. (FYI, this first conversation was before I had created this post and decided NC was necessary).

What confuses me today is why she would drop hints like she did and then not seem to follow thorugh on them. I have not called, IMd, emailed, or text messaged her in almost a week now, but she still seems to want to talk to me.

Maybe she feels bad, though I find that pretty unlikely. Maybe she wasn't dropping hints, but that also seems unlikely. I really dont get it?????

Sorry sypher but I didn't even read past your first two lines. STOP thinking about her and what she is thinking. STOP IT NOW!

All you do is analyse everything she has done and is doing. That is all you focus on. Your sending yourself round the twist and to tell you the truth I think you might be sending me a little whacky too.

Please please please stop right now thinking about and analysing everything she does. It will not help you in the slightest. You don't need to understand why she did what. There is no answers, and if you got them they wouldn't help you. In fact they would only make it worse.

There you go, I have begged you to stop it and begin to try to move forward. I won't do it again.

I don't want to see one more post here with her as the subject. Not one. Make as many posts as you want talking about you and how you feel. Ill read them all day long and answer, but I see one more that revolves around her then I think I will throw this PC out the window!

Sypher, honestly... why do you continue to mess yourself up this way?? One day you see what you have to do, the next day you wonder why she's doing what she's doing, the next day you know you must not have contact, the next you are going crazy because you can't stop thinking about her with another man, the next you KNOW she wouldn't hurt you on purpose, the next she tells you that you are forgetting about the other guy she has her life on hold for, then you know there is nothing you can do about, then you are looking at all the 'signs', then you wonder if she maybe might care because she texts or IM's you... etc. etc. etc...

Look, this girl no longer loves you. Maybe she didn't want to hurt you, she feels guilty, or she's keeping you hanging on so if nothing shakes with this guy she'll have 'Old Reliable' to keep her company until the next hottie comes around. A woman who loves you would NEVER do ANY of this to you! She might say, "Sypher, I have never dated anyone but you and before we settle down I think I need to date others to be really sure that this is the real thing.". She might say, "Sypher, I need some space to figure things out because I am confused." - THEN she would take some time... without dragging you in and out of your heart... and after a respectable amount of time she would suggest you both talk things out and give you her take on the situation.

A woman who loves a man doesn't say she has feelings for someone else, or if it's easier for you to not talk anymore then she supports that. A woman who loves a guy makes him feel happy, warm and special... not confused, sad and hurt! She would NOT contact you knowing that she is hurting you in the process. Honestly, I don't even think she LIKES you!

You know that the only way to move on is to stop the train, but you refuse to do so. You must change your messenger ID's, change your email, block her in any way you can, and refuse any and all contact for at least six months. In that six month period you must make every effort to move on. You need to stop dwelling on her; get rid of all reminders and sentimental things you may own; remove ALL temptation; ensure you are never in a position to be near her physically unless you honestly, truthfully can't avoid it; keep as busy as possible with everything and anything you can.

I will tell you something else... a woman doesn't LIKE a guy to be so darned EASY! So, when you pull back, she probably partly gets scared that you REALLY do mean it this time, AND she is somewhat taken aback that it is so easy for you to back off so she plays the game until she can get you back under control. In the wildest sense of things I guess it is possible (about 0.0000000000000000001 % possible) that she really does love you. If so, the ONLY way you will get her back is to totally back off for an extended period! Remember, you "don't know what you've got til it's gone".

You are going to drive yourself mad, mister! LET GO! We all care here and we are all saying the same thing but you just will not take the steps necessary to move on. Why DO you punish yourself so? Do you have so little self respect that it just doesn't matter? I'll tell you this... if you treat yourself so badly how can you reasonably expect ANY woman to treat you well? You have heard of 'Physician, heal thyself'? Well - "Lover, heal thyself!".

It's time, Sypher... it really is.

Hugs, Didi

Everyone...

Let me make something clear. I feel that the posts I have written have given a bit of a missense of how I have been feeling. What I know and what I am doing hasn't changed. I am still refusing contact with her. I truly am. I am trying to get over this, because I am as sick of feeling this way as you guys are hearing me whine.

I feel horrible that you people think that I'm not taking your advice, or that I am not getting anywhere. I apologize now, and I think it is due to my lack of writing clearly. Its hard for me to express exactly what I'm feeling, and I'm sure some of my posts aren't clear.

Skell, I will admit that I was looking for answers. I guess I am a very analytical person, and I hate the answer to anything to be "just because", but I suppose in this case it is. However, don't think that I am still wishing she was back, or hoping she will call me.

Didi, I will also admit that I do analyze everything that happens, and truthfully I'm not sure how I can stop. I guess what I need to try to accept is that I don't need to know the answers, and perhaps there are no answers.

What I want to get across is that I know I need to let go. I have begun to let go. Since the beginning of this post I've known what I have to do, and I am doing it. I won't sit here and lie to you and tell you that I haven't been upset this week... I have. This week has had be feeling the best I have in a while, and also the worst I have in a while.

To be honest, sometimes I'm scared to post what I want to on here because I feel like you are all getting aggrivated with me. Im getting aggrivated with myself because it is extremely frustrating to be misunderstood. I know it isn't any of your faults, its just tough for me to express exactly what I want to say in words.

Bottom line: I have posted my thoughts, I guess looking for this so called "closure" which I know I will never get. I know ill never understand some of the things that happened.. and I'm not sure why I even ask, I guess its just curiosity. It's the times when I get upset about the whole situation, and just want to chat with someone about it that I find these questions to ask about... from now on ill try to post something more along the lines of how I feel, and not something that happened between us.

Again, my apologies for aggrivating you all. I definitely don't want you to think I'm still stuck here at ground zero not getting anywhere. I truly am, and I can feel it. Part of me is afraid to move on, but all of me knows I have tried everything else.

Sorry to make you all yell

Sorry for another post, I just wanted to post something a little lighter...

With all the help you guys have given me, I think you deserve to hear some of the progesses I have been making...

Two weeks from Monday, I start my new job. Ill be making the most money I have made in my life, and it will be full time, all summer long. Way to go me :)

On top of that, I have been going to the gym rather religiously, and since my break up have lost about 20 pounds, and gained a bit of definition in my upper body. Once I lose about 5-10 more pounds, I think ill be at a weight I can be satisfied with. I was hoping for that by summer, but a month late is better than never :-D...

This morning I had my second exam for the end of the semester... I aced it - easily. Ive got two more next Tuesday, then I get to go home. I can't wait for that. It will be nice to get home with the old pals again (I go to school out of state) and play some paintball and tennis.

So there you have it... Ive got things to look forward to, and thinking about all of them is pretty therapeutic. I've also noticed rereading my old posts see to reignite the feelings for determination to get happy again, something I need every few days...

There is no such thing as closure so stop wasting your time looking for it. It doesn't exist.

Not aggrivated or mad at you. Just trying to make a point. It is OK to express what you are feeiling. That's fine. And we give our advice based on what you tell us you are feeling.
So when we see you thinking about her too much we tell you so.

And you are. Ive been in your shoes. You need to hear it.

Even if you just make a conscious decision to stop talking about her all the time maybe just maybe she will stop being in your thoughts all the time.

Just try it. Try talking about you. What your doing, where your going. Not her. But your transfixed on making everything about her. You won't change her or what she is doing. But you can change what you do and how you think. The mind you have control of is yours. Not hers. So stop trying get inside her and get inside your own.

Only yelling yo try and make you hear.

Sorry for another post, I just wanted to post something a little lighter....

With all the help you guys have given me, I think you deserve to hear some of the progesses I have been making...

Two weeks from monday, I start my new job. Ill be making the most money I have made in my life, and it will be full time, all summer long. Way to go me :)

On top of that, I have been going to the gym rather religiously, and since my break up have lost about 20 pounds, and gained a bit of definition in my upper body. Once I lose about 5-10 more pounds, I think ill be at a weight I can be satisfied with. I was hoping for that by summer, but a month late is better than never :-D...

This morning I had my second exam for the end of the semester...I aced it - easily. Ive got two more next tuesday, then I get to go home. I can't wait for that. It will be nice to get home with the old pals again (I go to school out of state) and play some paintball and tennis.

So there you have it...Ive got things to look forward to, and thinking about all of them is pretty therapeutic. I've also noticed rereading my old posts see to reignite the feelings for determination to get happy again, something i need every few days...

Perfect!! Lets talk about you from now. Every day if you like. You can come here and talk about yourself. For goodness sake come on here just to tell us you stood in dog crap and walked it all over your carpet. Tell us anything about you. But stop talking about her.

Just try it. See if it works. But talking about her all the time isn't going to help you move on. Surely that is common sense??

Perfect!!! Lets talk about you from now. Every day if you like. you can come here and talk about yourself. For goodness sake come on here just to tell us you stood in dog crap and walked it all over your carpet. Tell us anything about you. But stop talking about her.

Just try it. See if it works. But talking about her all the time isnt going to help you move on. Surely that is common sense???

Its funny you should say that beucase I have caught myself purposefully avoiding my old posts because I don't want to bring the issues up in my head again. I guess the same principle applies to my thought process. :)

Okay, look, Sypher. First of all, I was not 'yelling' at you. I am caring for and about you. We are not tired of hearing you whine... we are tired of hearing you in pain. There is a difference. You don't aggravate us... we are trying to help.

You said that you may be misleading us by the way you write. Try looking at this:


Apr 30, 2007, 10:27 AM

1. "I have been talking with my ex in a friendly manner for a few weeks now." (Huh??? This is refusing contact?)

2. "I would love to remain friends with her. We have been talking once or twice during the week, and would see each other on the weekends sometime." (Again... this is refusing contact? This is beginning to let go?)

3. "I know I am most likely going to be told to disappear and not talk to her at all, but I'm not sure if I can do that knowing she still thinks about us being together in the future. " (You can't disappear and not talk to her because you know SHE still thinks about you being together??? What about "are you forgetting about HIM", "Would it be easier for you, if we didnt talk anymore?", and she said "I dont want that, but if its easier for you then yes". and "she seems to be a different person at school. She told me that this may be because "he" is at school, and she is more distracted by friends")

4. "(she has kissed me, holding my hand, hugging me, etc)" (OOOOHHHH... I get it! No contact again!)

5. "Im starting to get really sick of being upset every single day. For God's sake, three months is long enough." (This is key. How can you NOT be upset if you keep allowing yourself to be controlled and manipulated this way? Every single kiss, hug, smile, text, email, suggested promise, mention of 'him', IM, etc. is what makes you upset every day. It just starts the entire healing process over and over and over again!)


May 3, 2007, 08:36 PM

"I am still refusing contact with her. I truly am." (see #1, 2, 4 above)

"What I want to get across is that I know I need to let go. I have begun to let go." (see #1, 2, 3 and 4 above... especially #3)

"I have not called, IMd, emailed, or text messaged her in almost a week now, but she still seems to want to talk to me." (Hmmm... last time I counted April 30th to May 3 was about 3 or 4 days.)

"I feel horrible that you people think that im not taking your advice, or that I am not getting anywhere. I apologize now, and I think it is due to my lack of writing clearly. " (We know that you are getting somewhere, but every single time you take 2 steps forward you have contact and take a step (or three) back! We are trying to help you... keep you on track. I don't think it's due to your lack of writing clearly. I think it's due to your inability to keep the big picture in focus. We are attempting to focus you.)


Please keep venting here... asking questions... whatever you need! But you WILL get answers... sometimes ones you just might not want to hear.

Look, I'll back off, my friend. I have tried very hard to let you work this out without interfering. But I am beginning to get concerned. Regardless, I don't want you to stop posting, so I will stay out of your threads from now on. Please accept my deepest apologies. I do not mean to upset you - but to help.

Hugs, Didi

Brilliant Didi. Had to spread it though. I hope you take note sypher. And don't get defensive. Look at it in a positive mind set.

Brilliant Didi. Had to spread it though. I hope you take note sypher. And dont get defensive. Look at it in a positive mind set.

Sorry if my post came off as defensive, that's what I meant by not being able to express myself clearly. That's exactly the effect I didn't want to get :(

When Didi suggested my problem was keeping it in focus, I think she hit the nail on the head. I get upset beucase I start to think about one particular area, generally the good parts, and that upsets me. Without keeping the entire situation in focus, I lose sight of the reasons I need to do this.

I am keeping my positive mind set. Im doing this for me. Im mad about the situation, but I'm more mad about myself for letting myself dwell in the past. By not getting happy, I'm simply wasting more time.

Sorry if I pushed anyone away - I didn't mean at all to act as if I didn't appreciate your input, or that I am getting defensive. I know that some of the advice I have gotten here is not 'happy' advice, but that is what I was prepared for, and it hasn't phased me a bit.

I sincerely appreciate everyone's help

I just thought of another point:

If the thought of her with someone else still bothers me that much, its obvious I haven't gotten over her. I just dont see how I can get over her, because i can't walk away from an opportunity to have the best thing I've ever had..again.
When I read this post I immediately thought of this: If someone is hitting you on the head with a baseball bat and isn't stopping, should you stand there and hope that they do, or walk away and heal yourself? If they hit you again given the opportunity, should you ask them to stop or slow down?

By continuing the contact, although the pain is still there and they are openly telling you that they feel for someone else even if that person is moving away, even if there is little chance for them, even if... whatever, their heart belongs to another. They are openly telling you that you shouldn't have hope that you will be together, you are in essence, slowing the pain, but not stopping it. You can't heal a wound if you are still there taking the beating for the mere satisfaction of a few crumbs. You've entered the friend zone. She's talking to you and sharing, but not changing her feelings for you.

You need to walk away and cease completely and totally all communication, for your own survival. It may be hard, and your heart is telling you to stay and at least have her as a friend. But your brain is telling you, if you do, you'll never move on and end up alone. Don't do that to yourself, respect yourself more than that, or no one else will.

You need to be more than her glorified Teddy Bear!

To add to the great post that Momincali wrote, you are torturing yourself hoping for a reconciliation, bottom line. We all understand your pain and your hope of this. We all felt this way about our exes when we were dumped too. But if she is not specifically saying, "Hey Sypher, I regret the breakup and I want to get back together with you and work this out", end it. Exes can be friends only if either both parties are truly over one another, don't want any romantic involvement, and are fine seeing their ex dating another or if one does indeed want the other back but hides it inside and is willing to suppresses their feelings out of fear of "losing" what you pretty much already have lost. So is the second one even real friendship anyway? No. You are not getting what you want here, only torture and confusion instead.

I am not opposed to talking to an ex if you are over it and truly want to be "just friends" or if you are specifically in the process of WORKING THINGS OUT. But is that the case here? Has she mentioned wanting to get back together with you now or is she just talking to you as her "buddy."? Lucky her, she got to dump you and still have all the goodies of your friendship and companionship with no loss on her part. Her guilt has likely even been eased with your "frienship". At least with my ex, he lost my friendship in the deal too. Like you, I tried to do the friends thing for awhile, but I was suppressing my feelings for him and I was analyzing, hoping, and wishing he would say ONE WORD about a reconciliation but he never did. He dumped ME suddenly so he knew that I didn't stop caring for him overnight. I gave him many chances to "say the word" (at my own expense) since I had been badly hurt by him. I finally started to feel resentment for him because he made this selfish choice (which was to dump me for another girl) but still "had" me in a way and I cut off contact for myself. Sure I guess I "lost" him, but he was gone already by his own choice anyway. I just refused to give him what he wanted and seem like I was "ok" with his s**t treatment when deep inside I was not. I don't really see how that was fair to either of us. It wasn't even true friendship anyway, was it?

The point is, I gave him a chance to make a move to get me back, but he didn't. So though I was still hurting, I finally gave up and decided to stop what torture that I did have control over and get on with my life. You have given her chances to make a move to reconcile as well and she is not taking them. Giving up can be a sign of strength not weakness. Again, I am not saying if she were to call and specifically say she wants to GET BACK TOGETHER (and I emphasize this) to not talk to her because you are in some kind of no contact game. She dumped YOU and this other stuff she is doing shouldn't be good enough for you.

Hi Sypher,
Thanks for the PM. Okay, I'll stick around, continue to offer you advice and respond to your questions... just don't forget - you asked for it! :D

Seriously, though, I am glad I have been able to help some. Thank you for your warm compliments. You truly have made a lot of gains, we aren't missing those - we see them. You are working hard at it, and I can really appreciate just how difficult that has been for you. To be honest, I wouldn't continue to spend the time to give you advice if I didn't feel you were trying.

Anyhow, don't be upset with yourself. I came across as a little defensive myself, I guess. As requested, you will receive my continued support.

Hugs, Didi

I had to post right now, because I'm in such a good mood and I'm thinking about this..

Its different to me to be in a good mood about this, but I'm feeling excited about what's going to happen. Im looking forward to getting over this, and I just hope that I can keep this mindset. I know by reading the advice I've gotten on here, I can keep that going :)

EDIT: oh boy, 20 minutes later I don't feel the same at all. Guess its time to go to bed. Some time needs to hurry and pass so I don't feel like a nut :)

I was the same way, one minute your fine and the next the hurt is back. But once you finally let go it becomes a lot easier to control your emotions. I'ts been 3 months since she broke up with me, even thow I still think of her it's not 24/7 like before and the dreams become less frequent now. And the worse thing you can do is talk about her, I did with my friends with other break ups not this time because I cant. They were so tired of me talking about her that after a while they stopped calling me. So when you go home don't talk about her with your bro's. But TRUST ME, once you let go of her the healing really begins and it does get better.

It is obivious that she has moved on and keeps reminding you of it... get over her... you deserve to be happy and go after what you want and need... I have been on that side and its not worth putting your life on hold and to hope for something that will never happen... hope this helps a little

Hey all,

I wanted to get some of my thoughts written down, as they've been bugging me all day.

I feel like today is going to be a test for me, and I'm sort of scared. Once again, the weekend starts tonight, and I'm afraid of getting that phone call. Now, I know the advise that some will give me (Tal) is to just ignore the call, walk away, leave it for good -- but I'm not sure I am capable of that.

I'm not sure I can leave it cold shoulder like that because I wouldn't mind a friendship in the future. I see no reason to leave things on a bad note. At the same time, Im in no rush to call just to say we can't talk anymore -- sounds counter productive.

I guess I want to know if it sounds all right to answer if she calls, but let her know how I'm feeling, and that I need the space. I certainly don't want to appear incapable of handling my feelings, but she would be selfish to judge me for doing what's right for me. Like I said, I don't think I have it in me to walk away without a word.

I think the fear is coming from the fact that part of me wants to talk to her, the same part that wouldn't allow me to remain in contact and heal properly. Saying that I need my space would be an action for me. I think it would help me relax, and not have to worry about what's going to happen the next time we talk - and it would also save me from feeling like I didn't leave things bitter by walking away without a word.

EDIT: By no means do I mean that I'm going to call her if I don't hear from her. This is basically a hypothetical 'what if she calls me tonight'

EDIT (again): Basically I'm wondering how to handle any attempts she makes at contact. Do I stop her from making further attempts? Should I just be busy and not have time to talk?

I think you have already told her once before that it was too difficult to let go if she kept talking to her. If not, then why not just tell her the truth?? If she calls and you answer, tell her it is PAINFUL for you to keep having her call, text, IM, hold hands, kiss, hug, talk, etc. If she is interested in someone else, then you think the best thing to do is just what she suggested in the first place... to take a break - end contact. Tell her that you hope that you can remain friends, but that will take time... that you are hurt and you need to heal and you can't do it with her floating in and out of your life when she has feelings for someone else. Tell her that since you have both pretty much dated only each other that it's probably best for you both to date other people anyway.

I don't really understand why it is so difficult for you to just walk away without saying a word. She ended your relationship. She likes someone else. She has made it clear over and over and over again that it's over. You just aren't hearing it.

I would like to ask you something... you can choose whether to answer...

Why do you continue to love a woman who has openly told you that she is attracted to someone else, that she wants to end things, and that she is willing to stop all contact if it would make it easier for you? Is this really the kind of woman you not only might want to marry, but also be friends with? I could NEVER remain friends with a person who respected and cared for me so little that they would continue to hurt me over and over and over again. I just don't understand... what is keeping you attached? What do the two of you have in common that makes you want to remain friends with her? It is so very difficult to understand from the outside looking in.

Tal is right, Sypher. You DO need to ignore the call, walk away, move on. Be unavailable! When I wrote that, several women responded and said the same thing. Don't you think that when there are so many people saying the same things that you might consider that we are right? You think we are getting paid for this? :D

We say what we say because we know. Many of us have been there. Many of us can see things more clearly from the outside than you can see from the inside.

I guess the other thing that is so very telling is that every time you feel that you are on your way to healing she contacts you and you fall apart all over again. That's just plain wrong of her to do. She doesn't even CARE what she is doing to you. Here are all these strangers that have been trying to help you for months and she doesn't give a crap how you are feeling as long as you are there when she needs you because this guy and her will never work. She is into this other guy like you are into her.

Anyhow, enough said. I just wish you would read and re-read all posts and comments (including yours) every morning until it all fell together.

Later, gator...

Didi

Why do you continue to love a woman who has openly told you that she is attracted to someone else, that she wants to end things, and that she is willing to stop all contact if it would make it easier for you? Is this really the kind of woman you not only might want to marry, but also be friends with? I could NEVER remain friends with a person who respected and cared for me so little that they would continue to hurt me over and over and over again. I just don't understand... what is keeping you attached? What do the two of you have in common that makes you want to remain friends with her? It is so very difficult to understand from the outside looking in.



I have asked myself this same question over and over, and I can't find the answer. I've had tons of ideas go back and forth in my head... Maybe I have some sort of attachment issues, maybe I'm too scared to move on, maybe I'm afraid that ill never be quite that happy again.

To be completely honest, I'm not sure what my problem is. If I were to detail the relationship, I'm sure many of you would tell me I'm better off without her. Maybe ill give you some details, maybe you can see something I don't.

During the relationship, we had a lot of stupid little arguments. She would be angry with me for not going over to see her if I wanted to just hang out at my house. She would be angry with me if I didn't want to spent an hour and a half on the phone talking with her when I was at school. If the conversations on the phone got boring, it would be somehow my fault beucase I wasn't trying hard enough. Whenever my friends wanted me to go out, I was guilted into not going (I blame myself for that somewhat). She had told me a few times that she was getting sick of me, as we spent too much time together (like every day for a few weeks), but when I would leave, she would be angry. Every time we had a fight, she was the stronger one, and remained mad. I would also give in an apolgoize beucase I hated upsetting her. Im sure if Wildcat were reading this, he would be all over me. I had no backbone, I was a wuss... Im not certain that's why I lost her, but I'm pretty sure it has something to do with me not being able to move on.

This is not to say that we weren't happy (im sure someone will disagree), but I loved being with her. When I outline this, I know all I am doing is adding to the reasons I should move on.

Maybe that will give you some incite on the relationship. I wouldn't call the relationship abusive, but is it possible that the way I was treated let me become dependent on her? Maybe all of that has nothing to do with it, but I know I never said any of this here (im embarassed), and figured id share those things with you.

Like I said, I wonder why I'm having such a damn hard time letting go. Its been so long and I'm so sick of missing her. Its like it was an addiction... Im sure I got too caught up in her, became dependent, all of that bad stuff... but it was my first love. That's no excuse for taking upwards of three months to get over it...

Thanks for listening

All of the advice in the world does no good unless you want to take it and really try get over someone and help yourself. People tried to tell me the same things we are telling you when my ex and I broke up and I wouldn't listen either. Just follow your gut Sypher. I hope things work out the way you want with your ex, but given the collective history and experience of people on here who have already gone through it, that may not be the case. I hate to say this, but I think you may have to learn the lessons we are trying to teach you on your own and unfortunately it may be the hard way (like I did). I hope this isn't the case. Good luck to you : )

All of the advice in the world does no good unless you want to take it and really try get over someone and help yourself. People tried to tell me the same things we are telling you when my ex and I broke up and I wouldn't listen either. Just follow your gut Sypher. I hope things work out the way you want with your ex, but given the collective history and experience of people on here who have already gone through it, that may not be the case. I hate to say this, but I think you may have to learn the lessons we are trying to teach you on your own and unfortunately it may be the hard way (like I did). I hope this isn't the case. Good luck to you : )


SouthernBelle,

I think you misinterpreted my post. It wsnt that I was waiting for her call. I was more dreading it than anything. I have been making myself very busy. There isn't much for me to do this weekend, but that will change when my summer begins. Like I said, I have a full time job starting. I play tennis everyday, go to the gym, and have to study for my finals. I am by no means waiting for a phone call, and haven't been all week... :)

Thanks for the advice though. I am taking it, don't think I'm not. I have been stuck on this for the last three months, and am finally getting sick of it. The lessons that your speaking of, I think I did already learn them. And to be honest, I did learn them on my own, because I was too ignorant to believe what I was being told. I didn't want to believe it, still don't sometimes, but I did learn. Now I'm just basically here for the support to keep me from going back. Hard to explain why I would want to go back, I know how stupid it sounds, but in all hoensty, if I'm not vigilant, I can see myself falling back into a bad habit

Thanks why I'm here :)

Well, maybe you are just afraid of going through the motions to meet someone else? You are shy? Have self-esteem issues?

I believe that when you 'get serious' about someone that you usually choose a person who is a reflection of how you feel about the inner you. For instance, a lot of women choose 'bad boys' because they don't feel worthy of a 'good boy'. Some people become 'helpers' and are always trying to 'fix' their partner because they really don't feel very good about themselves and it feeds their ego. Some people get involved with married partners because they are really afraid to have a permanent relationship. People who have been abused (and haven't dealt with it appropriately) tend to pick abusive partners. People who are shy might pick someone who is the life of the party.

Maybe it would benefit you to make two lists... one being the Pro's and Con's of your relationship and the other being how she has been a good partner vs how she has been a bad partner. Maybe even a third list... why do you love her?

You say that you loved being with her. Could that be the key? It does sound like she was pretty immature and controlling. Maybe you are a more serious, grounded, emotional person and her lightness, immaturity and flighty nature helped you to loosen up? If you are shy, someone who is outspoken helps you to not have to deal with your shyness. After my husband died I realized that he created our social life. I am shy and quiet, he was outgoing and friendly. I didn't even KNOW how to have a social life without him. I never did things without him. Up until a few years ago I had never done much of anything on my own. First I did it with my kids (from my first marriage) and then I did it with my husband. Learning how to do things on my own was SOOOOOOOO stressful! :D

Anyhow, write out your thoughts... it really does help. I do think you need to spend more time examining all of this. Usually, one dates several people and through that dating they are able to determine what exactly they want in a partner... and what they don't want. They don't usually spend the rest of life with their first love. You are obviously a giver... but at what expense?

By the way - have you had other deep losses in your life? That is an important question.

Hugs, Didi

Well, maybe you are just afraid of going through the motions to meet someone else? You are shy? Have self-esteem issues?

I always considered myself to be quite shy. I have never had much trouble meeting friends, though I can't talk to anyone I find attractive. There is some sort an anxeity I have about talking with women, I guess I'm scared? Maybe deep down I'm afriad ill have to do that again? I would also say that I have some self esteem issues. For the past few years, I have really hated how I looked. I never found myself attractive, always thought I was pretty overweight (in actuallity only about 20 pounds, now down to about 10). I also could never accept a compliment. No matter what anyone tells me, I always figured it was just to make me feel better (including almost everything I've heard since my breakup). Even before that, if I was being self-concious about my looks, my ex would say she loved the way I looked, thought I was very attractive... I never believed it.

(EDIT: I wanted to add that I have never actually "dated" anyone persay. I talked with her for about a month before we were a couple. It was sort of something that just clicked between us. Until reading posts on here, I never knew that there was a difference between being in a relationship and dating. So it is fair to say, I have never dated. It was basically us jumping into a relationship)



I believe that when you 'get serious' about someone that you usually choose a person who is a reflection of how you feel about the inner you. For instance, a lot of women choose 'bad boys' because they don't feel worthy of a 'good boy'. Some people become 'helpers' and are always trying to 'fix' their partner because they really don't feel very good about themselves and it feeds their ego. Some people get involved with married partners because they are really afraid to have a permanent relationship. People who have been abused (and haven't dealt with it appropriately) tend to pick abusive partners. People who are shy might pick someone who is the life of the party.


While Id say that I was shy, she was worse. From the time I met her, she had one good friend, that was about it. For that reason, I think she became a bit attached to me. In the beginning, I made the classic first love mistake of giving her everything. After that, she expected everything, and when I wanted to spend time with my friends, she became more controlling. She was not "the life of the party". She hated parties, atually. Many people find her very hard to get along with.



By the way - have you had other deep losses in your life? That is an important question.


This point has been previously brought up to me. I have never had another serious loss. My grandfather died when I was about 4 or 5 years old, though I don't remember him or the event. Since then, I have not lost any close family members or anything of the sort. It had been suggested that since I had yet to experience any true loss, I had not developed any coping skills, and don't know how to deal with the loss of my girlfriend. I suppose in all reality, it is similar to the death of a family member... I am losing something that was a huge part of my life.

Now that I've done it, I enjoy talking about myself quite a bit more than I enjoy talking about my ex. At least I feel like I'm gaining some understanding of myself, rather than building more and more confusion :) I hope I have given you the info you were looking for.

Okay, so let's say she does call you tonight... so what? Does that change anything? If you want to talk to her, go ahead, talk away. If at the moment she calls, you don't feel like it, don't. You don't need to plan for it. It's not an event that you need to sell tickets for. It's a moment, a short moment, in your life. You want to exchange pleasantries with her, be polite or just have a chuckle? All right, just know that most of the time, those instant gratification moments come with long term consequences. Like putting you back to square one when it comes to coping with the loss of your relationship. If you don't take her call now, because you're trying to put the pieces back and breathe without her being part of that breath, it doesn't mean you can never talk to her. When you're stronger, more confident (and you will know when that is without a doubt) then you can take her call or even give her a call. If lot's of time has gone by and you feel awkward about it, so what, the awkward only lasts for a short time, it will be like riding a bike.

Thanks momincali,
Pretty much what I needed to hear. Made me smile a little bit too (not an event to sell tickets for :)). Just before I came back here, I was thinking. If she calls and I don't answer... shes finally getting a taste of her own medicine. She's been making me miss her all week, so what if she misses me tonight, or all next week, or all month for that matter. For some reason, I (used to) feel an immense guilt at missing a phone call. While we were together, Id never miss one, if I could help it, and I guess that's just carrying over.

But guess what... I don't owe her a damn thing.

Darn straight! Now go do whatever the heck floats your boat (as long as it's not illegal, immoral or fattening) and don't worry about getting a call, giving a call or anything in between. That's called living.

Those first love relationships are so hard to get over doggonit. Join the rest of us.

Well...

Life slapped me in the back of the head today. The situation I spent all this time worrying about sort of fixed itself.

She did call me. I knew she would, I was expecting it. I answered, knowing what I was going to do, knowing what to think, how to act, everything. I had it planned out.

I didn't do any of it. Turns out, she was calling because something I was doing for her mother, her mother had questions about. I could tell by her voice, she was a bit upset, and she wasn't talking as friends at all. We talked about 5 minutes, I answered the questions, that was it.

She called me later, because she told me she would. She had pretty much nothing to say, just didn't want to leave her saying shed call, and not calling. She also pointed out that I "sounded different".

Here's where Im at... Shes on the same wavelength as I am, I didn't have to bring it up, risk an awkward conversatoin nothing. She knows we need to put space between us as well, and I'm pretty relieved.

Im pleased with the way it turned out. No emotions were brought up, "we" weren't mentioned once, and I haven't had a second thought about it :)

Good afternoon all!

Just posting to say hello, and I hope everyone is having a good weekend. Mine has gone quite well so far. I have been able to keep my emotions in check.

I must admit, I have don't a great deal of procrastinating on studying for my exams which begin tomorrow :( Oh well, in two days my summer vacation begins :) :) :)

My roommate is out for the afternoon, so my music is being played nice and loudly. It really helps me to keep my head on straight. The chorus of the song I'm listening to now goes along these lines:

"When all is said and done,
I will be the one.
To leave you in your misery,
And hate what you've become."

Not that I am that angry (the rest of the song is a bit angrier), but the angry songs somehow make me motivated to get up and do something. Its like an upper :)

Hope everyone has a good Sunday :)

It's okay to be angry and/or to feel your emotions, you know.

I hope you studied some after writing your last post here! Exams are pretty important! :) Oh, summer vacation and all that comes along with it must be so exciting.

It's good to hear you sounding so well. Keep focused and you will be amazed at how well you will do. Hope your exams go well.

Hugs, Didi

Moving on does not mean there is no chance in the futcure, the only thing that worries me is if you guys get back together this summer and you then go threw the summer and school comes is she going to dump you to go back to the person she is when she's at school? Also if its meant to be it will

Its not the right time for you Sypher to be with her at any time in the near future. Or talking to her. You need to have time with yourself and your life without her! For at least several months :)

moving on does not mean there is no chance in the futcure, the only thing that worries me is if you guys get back together this summer and you then go threw the summer and school comes is she going to dump you to go back to the person she is when shes at shcool? also if its ment to be it will

If I have much to do with her this summer at all, it will be merely friends. At this point, it is going to take me a long while to get over the idea of being thrown aside for someone else. That is a pretty serious fault I see in her character.

And Didi, I did study some. I have all day today to finish up :)

Im rambling again, but I figured id put some of my thoughts down.

Here it is Monday again, and suddenly any attempts of hers to contact me cease. While a week or two ago, I would have been upset, and felt like I was pushed aside, today all I can do is laugh to myself. Its pretty sad really, how someone can expect to act this way and get away with it. I'm not so angry at the situation, I just think its pathetic. I suppose someday karma will come around and she'll regret it.

Until then, ill keep up the "you've got to be kidding me" laugh :)

Take this all as a learning experience. Do some things for yourself. Get an exciting summer job, meet some new friends build up that self esteem of yours. Sounds like you are moving in the right direction. You may have been looking so hard at her that you may have missed someone looking at you.

Hi all,

Ill try to make this quick, but I'm a bit worried about my feelings today.

I just finished an exam, had to wake up nice and early for it. (Did great, if your wondering :)) What concerns me is that during the exam, I was having a hard time because my mind kept wandering to sad thoughts. I'd get sad about her not caring about me anymore, not ever thinking about me, being more upset about leaving her friends (and that jerk) than losing me. I know it seems like a step backward, but I mornings are usually hard, so I guess its sort of normal.

Anyway, the part that worried me is that when I was back in my room, I had a message from earlier that morning from her. All it said was "Drive safeeeeee", as I have a 3 hour drive home from school later today. I didn't respond, no reason to. What bugged me, is that after reading that I felt better :( I would HATE to think that the reason I'm feeling better is because I heard from her. Maybe subconsciously its making me think that she's thinknig about me, even though I shouldn't care?

Should I just be happy that I'm in a good mood, and stop thinking about it? :)

Block her for crying out loud!! :P

Every time she contacts you u go back to square one!

Hey I went through something very similar, but my problem was over a guy. The best thing you can do if that person is interested in someone else, then let them, you can still care about her and respect her feelings without being possessive. Try doing things with other friends thing that don't remind you of her and within time you'll feel a lot better.

You are still in the early stages of trying to work all of this out and accept that's it's over it in your head. These conflicting emotions of being fine one minute and all upset the next are very normal. I still think that you are kidding yourself if you think that you are OK being her "friend only" when you really want her back though. That doesn't work. Friendship with exes happen only when you are over him or her and vice versa. You are still struggling and you will go through these changing emotions not only daily, but probably hourly. One minute you will be angry and want to tell her off, the next you will be missing her terribly. We have all been there. It's just part of it. Just try to stay busy and not dwell on every little thing she does, go on with your life, and try to have a good summer.

It is really a good thing that you are in touch with your emotions, although that probably scares her a little bit. You don't have to stop caring about her, but you need to stop giving her so much power. The more in control you are of your own power, the more she will be attracted to you. On the inside you may need her desperately, and that is o.k. Don't fight it, but just stop showing her how desperate you are. Respect her need for space. Show her that you can give her time, without making her feel guilty. Don't follow her around or make her despise you. Give her time. She is young and unsure about what she wants. She obviously cares about you, but that doesn't mean she can give you what you need right now. Keep yourself busy, keep talking. Maybe write all the things down you want to say to her but can't. Be patient, love will endure all of this if it is meant to be. You can survive this and you will. Remember she will be lucky if she decides to be with you. See yourself as worthy and desirable. You are. She will see you that way too. Yes she really does have a space in her heart for you, but there aren't any guarantees in life. So, don't put all of your hopes and dreams on her. Focus on yourself and she may be more attracted to that! Hope this helps a little!

Thanks for all the responses...

Jiser, The message was on my phone, not my computer, so I can't really block it. Its not really affecting me so much, I think I might just be overanalyzing stupid things :)

SouthernBelle, Im not fooling myself into thinking I'm okay to be friends with her - I know I'm not capable of that now, and I'm not even trying. I always feel better during periods of not talking to her, so its pretty clear to me.

Basically what I needed to know is that the emotional swing is to be expected. Its odd how one night I can be angry and feel like telling her off, and the next morning I'm upset, and feeling sad again. SouthernBelle you nailed it on the head. Im just glad to know its normal. I guess just sticking it out for a little while is the best thing, it will always fade with time.

shatteredsoul, your advice about writing down my thoughts that I can't talk to her about is exactly what I do on here. That is probably the reason this thread is so damn long. I like to write these things down, beucase I feel like once I get them out of my head, I can stop thinking about them. This site is a great outlet for the emotions like that.

Thanks for the responses again. I don't want you to think I'm thinking about it, because I'm honestly not.. I was just startled by the big difference in emotions between the past few days and today - I wasn't prepared for it. It worried me that I wasn't making the progess I thought I was. There was no contact with her that caused this emotional swing (the message I got was after I was upset already).

Write on my friend, write on!! One thing I have noticed you are doing is passing on good advice to others on this forum, and I hope that continues.

Write on my friend, write on!!! One thing I have noticed you are doing is passing on good advice to others on this forum, and I hope that continues.

Thanks Tal, I was hoping I was somewhat on track!

I like writing advice because it makes me realize I know more than I think. Its funny how you can give other people advice, but you can't give it to yourself :)

Dude, you sound like you are at a point where I think I'm headed.. Obviously, it's harder to do than say, but let her go man. When she notices that you're not there anymore, she'll want you back.. The irony in the whole thing however is that they won't come back until you actually, truly let go... and once you do, you won't want them back... the vicious cycle. And what I am currently trying to avoid.

Dude, you sound like you are at a point where i think i'm headed.. Obviously, it's harder to do than say, but let her go man. When she notices that you're not there anymore, she'll want you back.. The irony in the whole thing however is that they won't come back until you actually, truly let go... and once you do, you won't want them back... the vicious cycle. And what I am currently trying to avoid.

Its funny to look at me now after reading my story... isnt it? You read my advice, and now you know where I am. To be honest with you, I have let her go. I pretty much decided that last week sometime, but it doesn't mean I have totally let go yet. Its more a process than a decision I assume. I will tell you though, already, It would be quite tough for me to take her back... too much damage has been done.

Just from a little bit of experience. When someone keeps coming on and off again with maybe or thinking about it, they are just that waiting to see if something better comes along. This is what a lot of relationships are. One person is so in love while the other one is not sure. You wait, are miserable and they do what they want. If you have been in a relationship with her before and it didn't work, why do you think it will work now? Most of the time it does not, especially if she is not excited about being back in a relationship with you.

I learned the hard way, I fought until he finally decided to get back together. Believe me it was not worth it. Not any happier. Should have let him move on and me move on to someone that really wanted to be with me. Not just settled.

Spend time with friends, do things that you enjoy yourself and keep yourself open for someone that is ready to have a relationship with YOU.

Just my thoughts, hope it helps.

Yeah it helps. And I don't mean to jump into this, but damn, that's not what I want to hear...

Biz you and sypher are worlds apart from my view.

Biz you and sypher are worlds apart from my view.


I agree,

Biz - you are on the other side of this. You have the decision to make, like I told you in the PM. Im not sure how much the advice I have here will help, as it is more relative to moving on, while you need to make a decision.

The only link I see is between your feelings of her with someone else - though do you have any reason to believe that is happening, or only if you were to break up with her?

Stick to it sypher. You will go through lots of ups and downs. One minute angry, one minute happy, one minute sad. ITs all part of it.

Just don't go caving in and contacting her. I would like it if you could block her messages. They seem to have a negative affect on you and I don't think you need to read them. Just ensure you don't respond please!

Well, the first day of summer vacation is here. Ive got 5 more days off, then I start my job. Im looking forward to that, it should keep me busy :)

MY mind has been a bit on the negative side since I got home, maybe just because being home reminds me of my ex? Either way, I went over my friends last night, just hung out and watched TV. Today I'm going to see my other friend at school, play some tennis... who knows..

I'm not going to lie about being worried about this weekend/next week. My ex is done with school Friday, moving back home. I don't want to talk to her, nor do I want to hang out with her. I know I have the ability to ignore it, but I'm afraid ill slip if I know she's trying to get ahold of me.

Maybe I'm a moron, but for some reason, it seems like it would be nice to see her. Don't worry, I'm not going to, I'm just trying to plan my weekend now, so that I can be busy and not have to deal with a situation like that :)

Maybe this should be in a new thread, but I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions on meeting new people... I was also sort of shy id say, and I never really dated or tried to meet new people. I found my friends in school, and have stayed with them. Anyone have any suggestions?

Starting a new job will bring oppurtunities to meet new people. As in all relationships, go slow. A good time to work on that shyness. This is a great thread why start another? Its moving along nicely, and I think you should keep it going, with the help of your friends, of course.

Starting a new job will bring oppurtunities to meet new people. As in all relationships, go slow. A good time to work on that shyness. This is a great thread why start another? Its moving along nicely, and I think you should keep it going, with the help of your friends, of course.

Thanks Tal,

I know I'm not ready for anything romantic, but I must admit talking to women makes me feel a bit better. Im starting to see that there isn't anything wrong with me, and its just been my own issues the whole time. When I come out of my shell a little bit, say hi, or just smile at people, I get such a great response. Its really encouraging.

Ive also realized that part of the issues I have been having boils down to feeling like I will never feel the same way about someone again. After some thought, I realized, I had never tried to feel that way about someone before. She was my first, so obviously - she was my best. That fear is starting to leave me, and it is leaving me with a sense of excitement toward meeting new people :)

I think you will really enjoy single life. There is a lot of fun that you will enjoy, ahead for you. Do I sound like a psychic or what, LOL!:D

Meeting new people well? Plenty of ways.. You may meet your next GF!

Through a sport I still do I eventually met most of my current friends and ex. Through my first proper part time job I have my two current best mates - one who I didn't speak to for 3 years.

Start new hobbies, join education classes, try new things by yourself. Be confident, outgoing, don't judge a book by its covers, be friendly, don't back stab, look out for your own interests.

If you need someone to talk to my e-mail is [email protected]

Don't think of this as a step backwards, I guess I'm just thinking ahead:

--------

Why do I still care about how she feels? Why is it that I'm worried about next week, when she is out of school, that she is going to want to start spending more time with me? I know the simple answer is: NO, absolutely not. The problem is, I am afriad that I will begin to feel bad ignoring her/saying no.

Maybe this is normal, but I feel so angry, so wronged when I think about it by myself. I understand that I have been pushed aside, and I have every right to be angry with her, however, in the past, when she has come around, I suddenly forget all of this. Its like when she has come around, the slate is wiped clean, and she gets a fresh restart...

Has anyone ever felt this way?

Every time a relationship ends, it takes a while to reconcile those intense feelings, and even get over having them whenever you see an ex. Even 30 years later no matter what happened you still get some of those feelings back when you run into them. Weird I know, but unavoidable. Wait until you've had 3 or 4, really deep relationships, oh boy!! That's right even after time and getting married, your poor heart will go pitter pat! Sorry, but who said life was easy.

Even 30 years later no matter what happened you still get some of those feelings back when you run into them.

In one of my ex's break up with me, I sent a picture of me and my family and friends and when she saw it she called and wanted to see me. That's when I took her back. Question:Could just by running into them years later if dumper is single, could they want you back.Even with so many break ups and problems they had with you in relationship?

Sorry, but who said life was easy.


Wouldn't it be nice to be 13 years old again :D

Of course it's playing games... My friend... See how she left and is with another guy? You still want her and you will try anything. Well how about you move on and if she wants you, then she will try for you too. If you like her so much that even if she is with a man you'd take her back then you can do the same. And if she wants you back, she will want you back regardless... Don't lie to yourself saying well maybe if I don't try to move on it can happen and she will see I care. She knows u care now so what's the difference... Move on, if it's going to happen then it will happen. Honestly it's the best of both worlds. You move on and learn to enjoy life where you might find someone better and you will be happy, and if she comes in the picture, you can have 2 decisions to decide on, whether to saty with her or with the new life... It's the greatest feeling. But you're so miserable rght now and your heart is poundin every second harder and harder. You did all you can and if they couldn't see it, they are not worth it. I know it's hard to see, but there is something so much better for you! Believe it! Also, pray at night!

So...

Just a little thought update guys:

Yesterday and today were pretty good days for me for the most part. Ive been going out, just running stupid errands with my friends to keep me busy. Its nice to be out of the house. I still have another week or so until most of my friends are back for the summer.

The past hour or two have been a little rough. I know I shouldn't be, but I'm thinking about her, and how it is her last night at school. She should be moving her stuff home tonight, and I just get these crazy 'what-if' scenarios running through my head. As in: "What if she knows shes hardly going to see him anymore, so tonight she is going to have sex with him". Its pretty disgusting, and I'm a bit embarrassed to think that way - but its just the way it goes.

Nevertheless, I'm going to my friends house in a little bit for a party. Hopefully that will get my mind off things. Trying to keep busy and just get out of the house has been my tactic for a while now, I'm just hoping these stupid scanarios will go away. Im nearly 100% certain they aren't even remotely true - but I guess insecurites are getting the best of me.

Get out of the house! :D Go have fun, and if she shows up... leave!

Now, let's play a little game. It's called "What If?".

Let's see...

1. What if... she knows that she's hardly going to see him anymore so she DOES have sex with him? Would you still be in love with her? Would you still want to try to work things out? Would you still like to be her friend?

2. What if... you didn't know her at all. You go to a party tonight and you meet a girl who knocks your socks off! Then, you ask around about her. Someone tells you that she is supposedly this guy Sam's girlfriend. Then someone else tells you that she asked Sam for a 'break' because she had feelings for another guy. You talk to Sam. Sam tells you than he has been trying to get over her and move on with his life for months now, but he just can't let go. He tells you how he almost gets over the worst of the pain... starts moving on... then WHAMMO! She calls him... she spends time with him "just as friends" of course, but then holds his hand or kisses him. He tells you that he has told her it is far too painful for him to continue to have contact with her but she keeps calling, texting, sending IM's or emails. Tell me, Sypher... do you still find this gal attractive?? Is she girlfriend material?? Better yet, is she friend material?? Or do you walk on past her and ask someone else if they would like a drink or a dance?

You keep saying that you want to be friends with her. I think you are fooling yourself. You want to make yourself available for her in case she dumps this guy or accepts that it can't go any further. You don't really want to be friends. You have this idealistic dream. You have this idealistic view of who she is, for Pete's sake!

If she sleeps with this guy it is because she doesn't respect or care for you. So, you pick yourself up, stop dreaming of reconciliations, continue with no contact and move on. I mean seriously move on.

You also keep saying that these scenarios aren't even remotely true. I fear that you have your rose coloured glasses on, mister! Take them off and listen to this... she threw you over because she has feelings for this guy. She knows it can't go anywhere, but she did it all the same. Do you not realize that she is doing with this guy exactly what you are doing with HER??

There is someone out there who will appreciate the man that you are... who will love you deeply from within... who would never even DREAM of asking you for a break. She will work as hard as you do to keep your relationship together. You will never find her if you keep clinging to this non-existent relationship. I don't want to hurt you... but your relationship is over... and, because your relationship is over she probably will sleep with someone else at some point.

You do best when you keep busy, stay out, stop thinking about her so obsessively, etc. So do it!

I know you are doing what you need to do. I just want you to continue to do it.

What will you do if she calls? (Say, sorry, I'm just on my way out, I'll try to call you tomorrow... then DON'T!! ) This will make you feel a lot less powerless and hurt (and will make you more attractive to her, btw)

Go on, get off this computer and get out for the evening. Enjoy yourself and have a great time. Tell your friends you are back on the market and would love to meet other women for some casual dating... you know... someone to go to the show with, out for breakfast, etc. It'll be difficult, but it will be good.

Have a good time tonight, Sypher.

Hugs, Didi

Thanks didi, I appreciate the response.

I have just gotten home from the party, and I wanted to respond to let you all know how I am feeling. I am not going to lie, I have corrected my typing 10 times since I have written this sentence, I probably drank too much :(

It is hard. I expected her to call me and she didn't. At the same time, it is easier that she didn't call me. I enjoyed myself tonight. I didn't once think about what someone else was gooing to think of me, I just had fun, and enjoyed myself. It has been a long time since I have been able to do that.

While I am happy that I enjoyed myself, I am also upset that she is so upset about leaving this "someone" behind. I am not going to lie to you, I have checked her away message tonight. The away message has started to mess with my mind:

" If I don't say this now I will surely break


As I'm leaving the one I want to take

Forgive the urgency but hurry up and wait

My heart has started to separate........."

It hurts me to read this, even though I know I shouldn't have. You can yell at me, and I know tomorrow I will agree with you, it just hurts to know that she is more upset about someone else than she is about me. I just my only justification is that she will be hurt someday like this in the future - as much as tha pains me.

Someone tell me what is wrong with me? Why is it that I feel so inferiour because one person left me for someone else.

Am I that worthless that I can be replaced by one person that has done so little with his life. I have given up so much in my life to be the best boyfriend to her. I wanted to always be the bes tto her, and make her feel the most special she has ever felt in her life. Sometimes I feel like I am just wasting my time.

Im sure it is just the alcohol talking, and I am sorry if you are disappointed in me, but I feel it is better than sitting home alone dwelling on the fact that she is no longer with me. I am upset that she doesn't care how I feel, and that I am only a backup, and I wish that I would keep this conviction and allow myself to meet new people and possibly develop a new relatinship. I would love that, even thoughI know I am not truly ready.

Someone please slap me across the face with realty :( :( :( :(

Didi,

I appreciate your response. I agree that if she has done this, she has no feeling for me, and it will be hard, but I must let it go. I don't want to hold onto an idealistic dream. I know it must seem to you like I am a nice guy, and I have a lot to ffer, though for some reason, it seems to me as if she wants nothing more than a guy with good looks.

It is hard for me to get up and accept the fact that she is so shallow as to throw me to the curb, but I guess there is no other choice.

It hurts, but it is the only choice left. I just only wish that she saw the error in her ways and realized that I am what she has been looking for.
I am afraid I will never find what I want :(


EDIT:

This hurts to write, but I feel bad that she is upset. I don't know why, she has made it clear that she doesn't care at all how I feel, but I also feel bad for the paint that she is going throguh, and I wish that I could stop it. I wish that the last three months could be erased and we could start over. The music I am listening to makes me want to go for a drive, even though I know I am much too beyond control for that :(

Your probably sleep as I write this and will feel bad reading your semi drunken rant, when you get up, But I'm not going to slap you, you deserve a pat on the back for putting your thoughts down, and going to bed instead of driving drunk or calling her, a sure sign of knowing what the right thing to do is. Glad you enjoyed yourself last night.

I do feel bad reading it now, but I still feel the same way. I was going to do a lot of editing, but I guess ill tleave it the way it is.

I think I'm upset that she didn't try to call me. As much as that would have probably made this harder, I was almost expecting her to, and when she didn't it hurt me.

It just seems like it's a step backward - I guess when she was away I told myself she was busy, and she had an excuse not to talk to me. Now that she's not - I don't have an excuse to give her anymore...

I feel like I'm back at the stage where I want to call and beg/cry and ask why she doesn't love me anymore. This is pathetic.

EDIT: Sorry If I sounded like a baby in my last few posts. I think it was just one of those down moments and I was letting it get to me. Im still upset about it, but I'm feeling a little better. Im going to be taking the drive I wanted last night in a few minutes - plus I have to buy some clothes for my new job :) The up and down cycle really sucks... no way to make it even sound pleasant. Im back from my upset stage and back at the acceptance stage - which seems to be the best place for me. It doesn't mean that I'm not upset, but I understand what's happening. The rejection feeling is a little tough to deal with, I feel a little like I've been compltetly forgotten, like she never thinks about me anymore. Sure that doesn't matter, but I'm pretty sure its not true... sigh, loves a b!tch

Ah, but Sypher... do you see? First of all, it is not pathetic. You loved her, she is the only one that you have ever loved and it's hard to let go. But, there is something more here and it all seems to be related to... you are taking her rejection to be a sign that there is something wrong within yourself!

Let me ask you this? What if the situation were a little different? What if you realized that although you cared for her and didn't want to hurt her, you knew that deep down you just didn't feel the love that you wanted to experience for the rest of your life? What would you do? Would that make her ugly or mean that as a person she was a failure? Would that make you a horrible person or shallow? Or would it just mean that all the things that should be there to create a loving, warm, lasting, strong relationship just wasn't there with this person?

See... you want to know why she doesn't love you anymore. What if (here we go again) there IS no clear cut answer?? What if she just doesn't feel it? It doesn't make you a bad person or a bad partner. It just means that the connection between you just isn't enough.

Would you please do me a favour? Would you please go and read this: Sometimes (http://www.angel9oh7.com/sometimes.html). Maybe you can understand a little better why things are happening the way they are.

By the way... I don't think you are taking a step backwards at all! You are moving through your pain. You must move through it to heal. You're getting there. You really are!

Hugs, Didi

PS: Please don't use alcohol as a way of coping with your pain. It doesn't work, it just temporarily removes it so that when it comes back it feels that much more worse. (What terrible grammar!) Heh-heh!

Thanks Didi,

I read that, and I like it. It reminded me of something I read a couple of days ago:

On how to deal with any failure: "Learn from what you did wrong, if anything, then forget it and move on."

I like that, though I won't forget this, I need to treat it as a life experience. It is making me much stronger, and I know that already. There are already countless changes in my life that would not have happened had we not broken up. I've noticed just in everyday life I am getting good responses from being more outgoing and friendly. Its great, its pretty uplifting actually.

Here's where my worry comes from:

She did call me today. I missed the call, but called back a few hours later out of courtesy. She was just calling to see how I was. I talked for about 10 minutes, then I ended the conversation on my terms. I could have talked longer, but I figured id let it go on my terms instead of the other way around. The weird thing is, since then she has called me quite a few times. I don't know if its becusae she is bored, if she misses me... whatever. I really don't care either, its not much of my concern anymore. Im starting to get used to being single, and its not all bad :) The only thing I'm concerned about is if it is okay for me to takl to her as a friend, if I have no intentions of it being anything more. I think a lot of the anger and resentment I've had over what she did to me killed the romantic feelings I still had for her, but she was a good friend, and someone I liked to spend time with. I guess I'm just looking for someone's opinion of the situation, and me talking to her. It probably doesn't look like I am completely over not being with her... im confused

It probably doesn't look like I am completely over not being with her... im confused
No conact gives you a chance to deal with your feelings without undue pressure or influence from the ex. Failure to do so ends in confusion and false hope, and a tendency to retard the healing process.

4th notice, failure to pay attention will cost money to repeat these suggestions.:eek: :D

She did call me today. I missed the call, but called back a few hours later out of courtesy.

The only thing im concerned about is if it is okay for me to takl to her as a friend, if i have no intentions of it being anything more. I think a lot of the anger and resentment ive had over what she did to me killed the romantic feelings i still had for her, but she was a good friend, and someone i liked to spend time with.

I guess im just lookin for someones opinion of the situation, and me talking to her. It probably doesnt look like I am completely over not being with her.....im confused



Is this a joke? Seriously Sypher, I think you already have already gotten a ton of opinions on here on the topic of continuing talking to her and doing what you continue to do. It seems as if the only advice you truly want is "how to get her back". Stop with the "I want to be just her friend and I'm ok talking to her" lines already. We all know that this isn't true. You may be fooling yourself but not us. Someone else pointed out that you want to be "friends" with her only because you hope it will lead to getting her back. It rarely works that way. Be advised (again!). Is that kind of friendship a true one anyway? No. Because you have a hidden agenda.

I feel for your pain, I really do, but I can see why frustration is becoming apparent in people's replies to you now. You won't take anyone's advice unless it's what you want to hear. I would almost advise you to send a PM to Wildcat21 at this point!

Just for fun, browse over Wildcat's repy to this post (particularly the paragraph "Move On") . Take what you will from the rest of it :
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/ex-dumped-me-feel-like-cant-move-9815.html#post28262

SouthernBelle,

Im not sure why you are so convinced that I have a hidden agenda. My point is not to fool anyone, not do I have any intentions of trying to be back with her. I assure you that I have been through enough pain at her hand to want to be in a relationship again.

I also pointed out the fact that I have made a lot of changes in my life (at least begun to) which never wuold have happened had none of this happened to me. I am beginning to enjoy it more and more.

For the last couple of weeks I have had no intentions of "getting her back" and I have not once asked for information on "how to get her back". Please don't tell me that when I say I want to be friends with her that I am lying. There are many things that I am, though I take serious offense to being called a lair.

Not once did I say that I am okay to talk with her. I stated simply that the conversation that I had with her did not affect my overall mood/thought process today. The only reason I wrote that is becuause I thought it was a sign of improvement, and I for one am proud of it.

Perhaps I wrote the post in a misleading way, I was just trying to put my thoughts down, as I have been for the past few weeks, and see what peoples opinions on them were.

To claim that I am not listening to anyone's advice angers me. If anyone else shares that opinion I would wish they would tell me. I would hate to be writing here everyday, just to keep my thoughts organized, and have people assume I am taking the advice that I am giving and throwing it out the window.

Thank you for your replies, SouthernBelle, I am happy that you care enuogh to respond and read through my posts... but quite frankly, I'm pissed off by what seems to be an attack based on something that simply isn't true. I DARE you to pull up a post of mine from a month ago, and tell me I am the same person I was then. Its simply not true.

Id like to add that the last paragraph of the post, about the phone call, was simply so that I could see what people thought of it. It has nothing to do with me reaching out to be back together with her or any other bs ideas like that. I have no intentions of beginning contact with her again... more or less the main idea was to think through it, rather than let it eat me away from the inside out.

And if anyone is becoming frusterated with me, I apologize. I haven't noticed that "frusteration is becomming apparant" in peoples replies to me. If that is the case, just tell me to shut up and I will. Sorry if I'm abusing this forum.

Now on to the original reason that I came back here tonight:
-----------------------
I wanted to let you all know that I'm starting to have moments during my days when I'm truly satisfied with where I'm going. I wouldn't be happy staying where I am, but the fact that I know I'm moving forward is great. Ive been a lot more outgoing to people, complete strangers, and its nice to get a good reaction back. I can see that this is going to be great. I guess I'm starting to understand when people say that someday ill thank my ex for doing this, as it makes me such a better person. The changes that I have wanted for so long are actually beginning to appear - and I can notice it :)

I've also had quite a few thoughts about just dating around, someday being in another relationship. Now I'm not seriously considering this for a while, but before know I always saw it as nearly impossible for me to find another person that I would enjoy being with. My shyness/lack of self esteem always got in the way, but now I'm starting to look forward to it, and not see it as such a challenge anymore...

I guess it's a big thank you to you guys that have helped through the whole ordeal :)

You should feel very proud of yourself Sypher for the positive progress you are making which I am sure will continue and yes, one day you will be thankful (in a way) that this happened because of your internal growth.

It is a blessing (albeit a strange one) in disguise.

Keep moving forward.

Actually, I think that your doing great and don't worry about frustrating us we all know how that goes, as breakups are very frustrating. Your not abusing this forum and feel free to ask any question, or express any feelings you desire. That's the whole point to this forum. And watch your wallet!

I also think your doing well Sypher and I can relate to your pain so very much. It hurts a lot and in fact reading some of your heart felt posts gets me a little upset at times. Brings back memories of the pain I went through. It sucks and it takes a long time to get over it. A real long time. I can assure you of that. Especially when you love someone as much as you obviously loved her.

But your doing very well.

I am a little disappointed that you called her though. Why why why?? You know it won't help you at all. Your putting yourself back!

Please stop it. At least give it a chance for a couple of months will you?

I don't think I will be able to talk to you anymore if you continue to talk to her!! ;)
It is just so clear to see that it just doesn't assist you moving on at all!

I, too, think you are doing great, however, I really wish you would not contact or respond to her for a few months as well. I think that we, as people sitting on the outside looking in, see that you really struggle when she contacts you, when you contact her, or when you think she might contact you. I think if you were able to do this that you would be twice as far ahead and suffering far less pain.

You really don't have to return her calls out of courtesy. You have expressed yourself to her and told her that it hurts you too much, yet she continues. THAT frustrates me! :) I think everyone here has tried and tried to get you to understand how much better you could be if there truly was no contact and how much we see it setting you back when you do have contact. It just draws out the entire process, and that's difficult for us to watch.

By the way, venting your anger here is okay, too. I wonder if you were really angry at the opinions of others or transferring your anger? We really are trying to help you through this, Sypher. I hear your frustrations, too. I feel your pain. I've been there... most of us have.

Glad to hear that you are starting to have periods of feeling satisfied where you are going, and especially pleased to hear that you are working on being more outgoing. That will take you a long way. It will definitely boost the self-esteem. It's all part of the recovery process, and, I think we all agree that you are a much different man now than you were when you first posted here. You are definitely going in the right direction, and soon you will be able to look back at all of this and see just how much progress you have made.

Keep on keeping on, Sypher. You'll be just fine after all is said and done.

Didi

Common Sypher! Get your in gear. You need some alone time. Give it a few months then see how things go with light contact then, if your that bothered that is. There is too much life to live, so live it, plenty of years left yet to meet again.

Guy thanks for the kind words...

This will be a short post, and I promise ill update again later. I have to start my new job in an hour :)

I think you guys are right. I did call her back, and it probably wasn't a good idea. Now nothing has hurt me at all really. I haven't had any real mental trouble with it, other that being nervous - but I suppose that is trouble enough. Though, id much rather have to deal with my own nervousness than to deal with an actual emotional event...

Hopefully my new job will take my mind off it, keep me busy and let me concentrate on other things. Ill let you all know how it goes later tonight :)

Thanks again

Hopefully my new job will take my mind off of it, keep me busy and let me concentrate on other things. Ill let you all know how it goes later tonight :)

Thanks again

It sure will keep your mind off things.

Good luck with it.

I am sure many people will be here for you if you need to talk...

I am proud of you for standing up for yourself. This is exactly what this forum is for. To get out your feelings and put things into perspective. All of life is about taking a step forward and then two steps back. I don't think you are wrong or unable to take advice. You do take it, absorb it and try to learn from it. I too would be very offended if people said that to me. All you have to do is look at my posts to know I am going through many of the same feelings you are, just different circumstances. We may choose who we are with but we don't choose to have the feelings we have for people, they just are. Being in touch with them and being honest enough to write them down, is the wise and insightful thing to do. Not everyone is so in touch with their emotions, or they mask them behind medications or other ways of avoidance. (nothing against medication for depression and stuf) JUst using that as an example. Please continue on with your soul searching and the discovery of who you are. That is what makes you unique and beautiful. People are seeing that in you more as you slowly put your guard down and let people in. I appreciate all of your feelings and it makes me feel more normal in having mine. So don't worry, I am on your side and I know this process is therapy for you. YOu are getting better. Some days will really suck and some will be better. Let me know what you think of my posts if you are interested in seeing someone go through some messed up stuff!! Peace out!

Good luck with the new job! Hope it goes well for you.

Didi

Hey guys,

I know I said I would update yesterday but I wasn't able too. This job has me pretty busy.

Its great, I love it so far, and I assume it will be enjoyable all summer long. It keeps me busy too, and its nice not to dread going to work in the morning :)

I had a rough start to my week... I lost my stupid wallet. Drivers license, social security, credti cards, bank cards, everything. Wow is that a pain in the butt. Oh well, working on getting all new stuff so I can be organized again.

Other than that, I've been great. Ill probably be updating a little elss frequently now as I'm usually pretty exhausted when I get out of work, but I will still be sure to come on every few days and post something/read a few threads.

Thanks again for all the help :) Its been so nice to know I've got people behind me.

:) :) :)

Glad to hear things are good. And yes, there are people here behind you, for the good and the bad!

I am happy that your job is as good as you thought it was going to be, sypher! It's good that it will keep you busy (for now) - just what the doctor ordered! :D

Arrrrrgggghhhhh! Lost your wallet! Oh, no! What a pain. For future reference, I always keep a photocopy of all of the contents of my wallet (front and back). Then if I lose my wallet I don't have to worry that I've forgotten something, I have all the card #'s at hand, and the phone numbers to report them missing.

We are here if you need to vent. Don't forget to have fun, too! :)

Hugs, Didi

Well,

I bought a new wallet, got my new license today, and one of my cards back. The credit card is coming in next week. I've calmed down about that, still a bummer though.

The job is still going good, and I think your right Didi, keep busy is a great thing.

Here's something I had been thinking of for the last few days, and I'm looking for some input on it.

Throughout my relationship, there were many times when I wanted to go out with my friends, and she didn't want me to. I know its because we spent too much time together and I let her get too attached and gave her too much in the beginning... but that's not the point. My question is this:

I always felt so bad disappointing her, she would tell me that she was sad/disappointed/angry that I was out with them, and not with her, and it would make me so worried about what would happen to us. Ultimately, it lead to me hardly seeing my friends/leaving when I was with them early, and they (rightfully) got a little annoyed with it.

What I'm saying is, does this happen to everyone? Is there always a pull between the friends and the girlfriend? I know it shouldn't have bothered me so much when she said these things, and I should have just let it go... but I felt bad. Am I just too nice of a guy?

By giving in, was I enabling her to do it in the future? Maybe all I needed to do was standup to her, and not let her tell me I'm wrong?

I want to make sure I don't make the same mistake again... the stress of that situation was enough to drive me insane.

Now that's a very good question, How to balance time with your g/f and time with your life?? BIG RED FLAG, making her your life, instead of a part of it. When you lose yourself, any female will get bored or disenchanted with who you have become. You just weren't the guy she fell for anymore. The rest is what you already know first hand.

Heres something I had been thinking of for the last few days, and im looking for some input on it.

Throughout my relationship, there were many times when I wanted to go out with my friends, and she didnt want me to. I know its becuase we spent too much time together and I let her get too attached and gave her too much in the beginning....but thats not the point. My question is this:

I always felt so bad disappointing her, she would tell me that she was sad/disappointed/angry that I was out with them, and not with her, and it would make me so worried about what would happen to us. Ultimately, it lead to me hardly seeing my friends/leaving when I was with them early, and they (rightfully) got a little annoyed with it.

What im saying is, does this happen to everyone? Is there always a pull between the friends and the girlfriend?

See, this happened to me, when my ex did not have friends or at least, they did not bother with her, when I wanted to see my friends, she would get upset and yet I would invite her along and she would always make an arse of herself by embarrassing me by creating an argument with them so as for me to lose my friends. This really p**sed me off and on reflection now, it is one of those things that I hated about her. She was soooooo selfish... I actually lost a few friends because of her childish ways.. Double standards though with her in that she would blame ME for her losing her friends when I had nothing to do with that, she was just blaming me for her inability to keep in contact with them. She was quite young though so, I would always give her leeway for that.

That is one mistake I would not make again... letting the ex control me in such a way that she has me to herself then has too much, gets bored, dumps me and then goes wild..

So much emotionally smarter after this one and you will be too Sypher..

I am so annoyed with all this relationship marlaky. All the work I've put in as come crashing down due to my stupiding, believing that she wanted to make another go of things. Simply not true. Never EVER make anyone your life.

I am so annoyed with all this relationship marlaky. All the work ive put in as come crashing down due to my stupiding, believing that she wanted to make another go of things. Simply not true. Never EVER make anyone your life.

That's the way it is Jiser 99% of the time.. You do all the work on yourself for you and YOU alone, not with any false hope of the ex coming back because it rarely happens.

Most people who try to work on themselves with false hope of the ex coming back because of this are fooling themselves and defeating the object of doing it in the first place. In the beginning though, this mistake is a common one (in my opinion) and a quick reality check follows.

Then the real healing begins.

Thanks guys,

I do think that it was the biggest mistake I made. Its hard to not fall so hard for someone but to give them everything, but I also must blame this being my first love for part of it. I guess it's the fact of me being naïve because I had never been in love. I wanted to give her everything I had, because I thought that's what she wanted. I suppose it was... for a while.

Either way, its never going to happen again. AT this point, after my relationship, I've gotten to the point where I am more impotrant than any woman in my life. Not my friends, but me. So that means, If I want a night or a weekend with my friends, she will have to accept that. If it comes down to trying to manipulate me via guilt... she can take a hike.

It's a hard lesson to learn, though I suppose the harder it is to learn, the better lesson it is.

Geoff - I am stronger, I can tell. Not anything in particular... but situations I haven't been in for a few months (due to school), I notice that I am not the same person. Mentally, I would say that I have changed more in the last few months than I have in the preceding few years. Its good... just a steep price to pay.

Got that right sypher! Steep price to pay.

It will never be the same for you both, have some patience, and quit caring so much, why should you? Go with the flow

Hi guys,

Its been almost a week now, and I apologize for the long delay.

Its been a busy week. In case your wondering, I love the new job :) I get to go on business lunches, everything... its pretty fun. Not looking forward to school, but that's a few months off still :)

As far as everything else goes... Im doing pretty well. I guess its best I don't start thinking/talking about it because it will start to drive me nuts. It's a little hard when all my friends are busy with their girlfriends, but Im hoping soon we get out days to just hang out with the guys... thats what I'm looking forward too.

I hope everyone's doing well, and happy memorial day :)

I guess its best I dont start thinking/talking about it becuase it will start to drive me nuts. Its a little hard when all my friends are busy with their girlfriends

Its always hard at first after a breakup to feel down for a while when you see other couples together. It brings back memories and stirs up emotions. That's completely normal Sypher and will happen for a while.

Glad you are doing good and feeling more positive.

I came into this thread a little late, but I'm going through something very similar right now. This will be my second big break up with a partner. The first time I tortured myself exactly like you sypher373, and I know the reason you ask the whole "NC" thing is. And it's not purely because "youll be shutting off any chance that could of been with her" if you look at yourself deep enough, its about that suspicion you've always had of never being good enough. Why not you? Why aren't you good enough? What didn't I do right? Problem is, its not always about what you didn't do for her, what you didn't give her.. It's more about perhaps this time it was the wrong person. I myself believe in love, true love, and fairy tales and have always hoped my recent ex partner would fix herself up, and see that I was the one for her. But the truth is this isn't real life, and it rarely happens. Rebuild mate, and from what I can see it's been 3 years, it's a shame to be in the same negative depressing spiral I was in, but I feel many a young person has or is going through this.

If you read this, you are good enough, you just need to find someone that appreciates you, and all you can be.