Okay... (here is a little background) My boyfriend and I don't get to see each other as much anymore than when we first started our relationship. I lived in the same town as him, but at the beginning of April, I moved an hour away for college. I visit him every weekend (friday morning to Sunday night) and he comes to visit me every Wednesday. We have an amazing sex life. We do some crazy things... lots of advanced positions... lots of tying up... things like that. We are also crazy mad in love. He is the most perfect man for me and he tells me that I am perfect for him and the only one for him. We even talk about getting married, having kids and growing old together.

Well... last weekend while I was using his computer to check my email... I clicked on the address box to type in Yahoo... and I clicked the wrong address that was already in the history... and it was porn... So, then I looked in his history... and he watches soooo much porn. There were so many different sites... like glory holes and asians and housewifes... and crap like that.

I haven't brought it up to him because I don't know if it's that big of a deal. I love him so much and he loves me... but after seeing that he views porn... I am really ashamed in myself almost. I feel like I'm not good enough for him. I feel as if he is cheating on me. It makes me very upset... and it hurts so much. If I am the only one for him... why does he insist on watching porn, especially if we have a great sex life? I don't understand... and its driving me insane.

I don't know what to do. I am afraid to talk to him but I know I need to. I just don't know what to say.

Help.

Ask him why he does look a porn, Get his answer and if it is not a good enough answer for you to accept him looking then explain to him how it makes you feel. I am not sure this will make him stop but it will probably make him hide the fact from you that he is still looking and you will not like that either. Then you might have to understand that it is just something that some guys do. He may feel a need to look at it as he masturbates. Now if he tells you he does not masturbate then dump him because if he will lie to you about that he will lie about anything.

A lot of men look at porn... I mean I don't think he does it because you are bad. Maybe he just misses you :) Talk to him about it, tell him what happened and how you found it :)

OK, I love this, because I just went through a very similar situation. I found porn on our computer a while back and it disgusted me so much that I came to him with the problem and I think I did it wrong and he started to hide it. We got rid of the computer for almost a year and we just got it again recently. Well come to find he had some sites that I ran across one day and I decided to bring it up in a different way this time. I sat down with him on the couch and said "Ok if you get to please yourself when i'm in the shower or at work then i have a request for you.I want you to invite me in sometime and i would like you to have sex with me at least three times a week". Now it seems the only time he looks at the stuff is when I can't have sex with him for female reasons. Not only did what I say please him, I don't get mad when I find a few sites on the computer because I don't feel like I'm being replaced and we have more sex. I think the key is don't make him feel bad about it because then instead of stopping, he'll just hide it from you. And I also had to come to the realization that guys just have to look at that crap. Unfortunately they all have some pervert in them.

Men are very visually stimulated. And they think of sex on average once every 2 seconds (read somewhere.. can't remember where). The thing is... yes he looks at porn. He is not cheating, asking you to do things you don't want. He is using this as an outlet to the sexual feelings he has when your not around. You might try joining him on some of this. If your not comfortable... that's fine. Just don't box him in. He will only be forced to lie, hide, sneak, cause mistrust. This porn is another form of fantasy. Most young, healthy men masturbate daily. It is a drive to them like women get a drive for a child. Not always the easiest to explain but shouldn't be punished. Don't over-react.

Thanks, all of you guys have good points. He pretty much does hide it from me in my eyes... if he is viewing it while I am away, I guess he is just trying to release himself. He has never looked/watched porn with me there. He hasn't even brought it up.

Its just the fact that he tells me that he loves me and I'm the only one he has eyes for and wants to be with... but when I think of men viewing porn, I think that they are visualizing that they are there... I could be wrong, but it hurts me a lot.

It could also be that I have had trust issues in the past. My exboyfriend and I broke up because he was cheating on me the whole time with his exgirlfriend. It was a really messy situation. I had no clue it was going on at all until she messaged me to let me know.

I trust my current boyfriend more than I have trusted anyone... but I am still not to the point of complete trust. Do you think that him viewing porn is affecting me because of my issues with my last boyfriend?

This is actually quite simple. Guys do like porn, it's a way for them to fantasize and to reach orgasm their own way. You see, porn to a guy is just a way to release when they are (usually) all alone. It's hardly ever used to replace someone. I wouldn't worry about it one bit, he doesn't ask you to watch it with him or make you dress up the women in the videos and pictures, so really it's a personal thing.

I wouldn't be too hard on him about it. You can mention that you now know that he watches porn, but I'd just mention also that you can understand WHY he watches porn, and, that if there's something in the porn that he is particularly interested in, you can likely make that happen as well... he will LOVE that.

All in all, usually porn for a guy is just a personal and selfish (in a good way) of reaching orgasm by themselves. Its not quite as healthy as just using his imagination to masturbate to. But all guys do masturbate and they actually enjoy it because there usually isn't anyone there to judge him, he can just be himself and enjoy. Don't worry about it, I guarantee his feelings are no different for you.

You can ask him regarding why you do watch all those crap pron site and what do you what position do yo want to try while having sex

Guys are visual, they like porn. Like 99% of guys anyway. Don't sweat it unless he can't get it up for you without extra stimulation then he has an issue.

Its quite normal for you to be jelous.. You want to feel like you are the only one that he looks at in a sexual way... However, like Smoothy said most guys are visual... Act like you didn't see it on his computer... Start by maybe looking at porn with him and see what he thinks of that... You may enjoy it to... If its totally not your thing and you are against it and are offended by it, then talk with him...

I live with my boyfriend, and we are very sexually active, but the thing is when I went to go out the one night he asked me what the code was to unlock the adult channels on the satellite, they are blocked due to small children and the remote control don't mix.. I felt verrrrrrrrry oddly about this, because I think, if he is to masturbate, why not think of me.. so we got into an argument and I ended up giving him the code anyway. I couldn't sleep and I didn't feel I was sexy to him, so I solved my own problem.. heres how I did it.. the easiest way to solve the problem is.. record yourself doing things for him or take pictures... at least he is thinking of you and ull be able to rest easier. It worked for me.. <3 not to mention we feel much more comfortable with each other & if your in love, you shouldn't be ashamed for any reason to do anything for someone else.. especially if your farther away than in the past.

I am just going through this myself!

I found my boyfriend's secret porn stash. I don't allow it in our home, and don't approve of porn at all. I think the old, "guys are visual" and "boys will be boys" is just crap in our over-sexual world. My thinking is, if someone else is doing it for him, than he doesn't need me.

It might be something he does for a release, but if it is frequently and consistently, then I would think there is a problem. I know a lot of guy friends who are addicted to the stuff, and are ashamed of themselves. It makes them unhappy, and in turn affects their relationships.

Best piece of advice I would ever give someone in this situation: Talk to him about it. I called my boyfriend out on it. I wasn't angry, I wasn't upset; we were just sitting down on the couch and I dropped it in his lap. Let me tell you, it brought out a world of other issues I didn't even realize were there.

If he loves you, then he'll talk to you about it. Open communication is the key to any relationship, and I think it best to tell him how it makes you feel. Whether you accept this behavior or not, giving him the opportunity to explain might help you ease your mind.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Watching porn (in moderation) is guy stuff, like watching football and baseball, heck even NASCAR. Start dictating what we will and will not be allowed to do and trust me issues WILL start even if there was none before.

I've seen women who think they are entitled to do all the girl things they want to do... and yet get indignant when their man tries to do any guy stuff. Point is unless you are willing to be dictated to as to what you will and will not do, who you will and will not speak with, then don't expect someone else to be happy with it.

Keep in mind there are a lot of things women do that are down right annoying to us guys as well. If you want a strong relationship you have to know when to let things slide and when not to. Get it wrong and your relationship will suffer. There is always two points of view to an issue.

Look at his porn sites. First of all, porn comes to you on the internet, sometimes without your consent. But look at what he likes. There is a pattern. IE if most of the pix have girls with shaved beavers wearing garter belts and high heels (my fun stuff) my guess is that is his fetish. Either enjoy it or run like hell. Or, do like I do and make your own porn. I still get a woody looking at pix of my wife over 30 years ago. I ain't spent a dime on porn, nor looked elsewhere. What can they do that I can't get at home.

I still don't accept that this is just "guy stuff," like NASCAR or sports, because I sit and watch all of those things with my guy. Porn is usually hidden, and can take an effect on relationships. I don't see how people can ignore their significant other getting off, or just getting riled up, by looking at other women. That is what it is, pure and simple. It's your boyfriend using his imagination and getting off from other women.

I agree with Zeke, sometimes you can't help it, because I know even I have had stuff pop up on me, and I loved his point. Why bother to go elsewhere if you can get it at home? I've never understood guys who are in a healthy and actively sexual relationship, looking elsewhere or paying for this kind of stuff.

I also agree with Smoothy, in that you can't dictate your relationship. However, porn isn't like girl habits; talking trash about a friend, or spending a ridiculous amount of money on shoes. These actions don't affect a relationship, or make our partner feel worthless, unappealing or unattractive.

However, if it bothers you, in this instance, you CAN lay the smack down. Tell him how it makes you feel, and if you want him to quit, tell him. It took me walking away from my relationship for my boyfriend to realise that something real that loves him completely is so much better than staring at a computer screen.

Be prepared though, because if he calls your bluff, you have to make a decision. Back down, and you'll be backing down on a lot of bigger issues in the future, because he knows you won't go through with it. Walk away, and he may not chase you. Know, though, if he does not, there is a man out there who won't make you feel unattractive and is the right person for you.

I also agree with Smoothy, in that you can't dictate your relationship. However, porn isn't like girl habits; talking trash about a friend, or spending a ridiculous amount of money on shoes. These actions don't affect a relationship, or make our partner feel worthless, unappealing or unattractive.

Ahh I'd be careful about this one-buying too many shoes (shopping addiction-leads to financial woes) and gossiping about others (evil and demeaning talk) can damage relationships-maybe not your own, but there are always karmic results.
However porn is a different area-granted.

Cheers and best wishes,

BTW, yes I am Buddhist.

I still don't accept that this is just "guy stuff," like NASCAR or sports, because I sit and watch all of those things with my guy. Porn is usually hidden, and can take an effect on relationships. I don't see how people can ignore their significant other getting off, or just getting riled up, by looking at other women. That is what it is, pure and simple. It's your boyfriend using his imagination and getting off from other women.



Are you kidding me? Women (most) lack the sex drive that most men want and need... You have no concept of how much frustration and desire lie within' a man when he is in need of some lovin'... Lets put it like this... MOST men look at porn to stimulate themselves (as I do) in times of the significant other not being around to stimulate us... Most likely its because you ladies are at work or we get one of those "i'm not in the mood or i'm tired" excuses... There is nothing more to it then that... Nothing to be jealous over... So the answer is simple, either make your man happy and f**k his brains out more then he can imagine (no more porn) or quit complaining...

I don't think porn is a threat to your relationship or anything like that. Masturbation is part of a healthy sex life, and most guys masturbate watching porn. Because they are too lazy to use their imagination, or because from time to time we all need to think of other arousing things, not only about the last sexual encounter you had with your gf/bf. Its got nothing to do with cheating, its impersonal and harmless.

I still don't accept that this is just "guy stuff," like NASCAR or sports, because I sit and watch all of those things with my guy. Porn is usually hidden, and can take an effect on relationships. I don't see how people can ignore their significant other getting off, or just getting riled up, by looking at other women. That is what it is, pure and simple. It's your boyfriend using his imagination and getting off from other women.

I agree with Zeke, sometimes you can't help it, because I know even I have had stuff pop up on me, and I loved his point. Why bother to go elsewhere if you can get it at home? I've never understood guys who are in a healthy and actively sexual relationship, looking elsewhere or paying for this kind of stuff.

I also agree with Smoothy, in that you can't dictate your relationship. However, porn isn't like girl habits; talking trash about a friend, or spending a ridiculous amount of money on shoes. These actions don't affect a relationship, or make our partner feel worthless, unappealing or unattractive.

However, if it bothers you, in this instance, you CAN lay the smack down. Tell him how it makes you feel, and if you want him to quit, tell him. It took me walking away from my relationship for my boyfriend to realise that something real that loves him completely is so much better than staring at a computer screen.

Be prepared though, because if he calls your bluff, you have to make a decision. Back down, and you'll be backing down on a lot of bigger issues in the future, because he knows you won't go through with it. Walk away, and he may not chase you. Know, though, if he does not, there is a man out there who won't make you feel unattractive and is the right person for you.

Guys like watching women... we're wired that way... (porn is less obvious than going out oogling women for example) like how many women like looking at shoes, handbags... or home furnishings.

Now, have you considered he hides the watching porn issue BECAUSE of what you say about it? Have you considered that watching porn is NOT a diversion of attention from you. My wife once felt that way, I managed to get her to understand that and we watch it together now, it gives her a chance to see new things that catches her interest that she would like to try together but never thought of on her own. After 16 years of marriage we actually have a BETTER sex life than we did the first years of our marriage, and all because it helped open her eyes to what we could do together.

I had the same concern with my boyfriend. I have seen a lot of porn on his computer but he keeps saying its not his. I understand if your jealous because as a woman its your job to help satisfy your man and you may feel like there is something he likes more in that than in you. I completely understand

Relax, porn is like a football game on TV, but he can score with the porn. Don't take it personally. That's just how some guys spend their alone time.

All in all, usually porn for a guy is just a personal and selfish (in a good way) of reaching orgasm by themselves.

This sentiment is only valid in a relationship of low commitment. In a devoted relationship, there is no "selfish in a good way." Every action matters, whether you like it or not. If you're not ready to sacrifice for the other person, then get lost.

I recently went through this situation. I am two years in and engaged. My fiancée goes through bouts of looking at porn. Rather, he has looked at it throughout our relationship, but that has been punctuated with the occasional breakdown I have when I find out he's still looking at it. I wish that he could walk in my shoes for one day and understand what I feel like. All men would benefit from this. My reaction--the reaction most women have--is not entirely rational, but it has deep roots in our biology.

The last time I found out my fiancée was neck-deep in porn again was a few days ago. I get a raw, burning sensation in my stomach every time I think about it. Perhaps I didn't handle it the best way, but the truth is that we never talk about it; I just get upset, he realizes why I'm upset, and we both hope the problem goes away. So this time I wrote him a letter. Lame, I know, but here's an excerpt: "We are naturally predisposed to crave what is in short supply: sugar, salt, and sex. In our society, these things have become more readily available, but our brains haven’t caught up with our stomachs. That’s why we have fat asses, high blood pressure, and neurotic girlfriends. Just because it’s there doesn’t mean you have to partake of it."

Fair enough.
But if he loves you and wants to have sex with you often I would really not worry.
You are not being replaced... why don't you watch with him one time?
In exchange for not watching it alone?

Just a thought...
My last GF embraced all things sexual and believed if it feels good - do it.
I was in your shoes... I can tell you it was disconcerting.
But as an insight into the male psyche: I miss her more than anyone I've dated in a while. (I broke it off because she was not ready yet.)

Honestly its just a natural thing while your away it's a natural thing to want to explore... I woulndt worry about it I loved my girlfriend to death but I still watched porn to be completely blunt with you I just felt awkward thinking about her sexually while she wasn't around I would have never taken any girl in a video over her trust me on that I'm sure he feels the same especially since most of the reason he's doing it is probably just because your away

Here's how stupid we men are about visual stimulation and the idea of the forbidden.

I can see my wife naked right now if I want to. Well, probably. She might ask me what the hell but the point is its common for me to see her naked at some point on most days. If I'm lucky, its up close and personal.

But one of my turn ons is seeing her in the shower. Not uncommon for her to shower with the door to the bedroom open and its easy to see a little skin where the curtain doesn't close tight against the wall. Absolutely love it. Drives me mad. Even though I can and sometimes do join her, it's a rush to see the flashes of skin when I'm in the other room.

It's a voyeur instinct.

Now... if I were just to wait another 15 minutes I could see her completely naked, walking toward me. And yes, that does turn me on. But there is something different about the idea of seeing something you aren't "supposed" to.

Likewise, I had a previous partner who took tantilizing pics of herself and would give them to me. Loved it. Killer turn on. Even though I could see her in person naked, the pics pushed it up a notch.

So we are visual creatures. I'm not going to try to justify it or try to make it OK for you. You aren't comfortable, that's you prerogative. But never, ever, ever... EVER... when I've seen a woman that stimulated my mind sexually, either in person or some form of media, did I ever think "man i wish my partner looked like that"...

It isn't about comparing. Its just about the seeing.

Again, not trying to say all porn is fine. You decide what you want to live with and what the standards are.

But... when women start saying they feel inadequate, it hits a nerve with me. I understand the statement, but I think most men, again, aren't comparing. They are just looking.

You know...

I'd like to know when the women who are uncomfortable with porn would just realize that it's the male version of a romance novel.

Women love romance/ soap operas, Men love raw and unedited.

You know...

I'd like to know when the women who are uncomfortable with porn would just realize that it's the male version of a romance novel.
Got to admit, that's a perfect analogy.

Cause it's the truth.

Are you kidding me?? Women (most) lack the sex drive that most men want and need... You have no concept of how much frustration and desire lie within' a man when he is in need of some lovin' ... Lets put it like this... MOST men look at porn to stimulate themselves (as I do) in times of the significant other not being around to stimulate us..... Most likely its because you ladies are at work or we get one of those "i'm not in the mood or i'm tired" excuses...... There is nothing more to it then that... Nothing to be jealous over... So the answer is simple, either make your man happy and f**k his brains out more then he can imagine (no more porn) or quit complaining...

I agree that most men look at porn and there usually is nothing wrong with it, especially if the man's sex drive is more than his partners. But in my case it's the reverse. My sex drive is far greater than my boyfriends and so when I find out that he's watching TONS of porn then I feel like I've been robbed of a normal healthy sex life. Everytime I initiate he says I'm too focused on sex and that shouldn't be the most important thing. It isn't (until you're not getting it). Love is the most important thing to me, but all the more reason to have good sex with the one you love. I have nothing against porn, but our best sex is stimulated by porn and he is having a great deal of trouble getting aroused just by me (I think because he has to have the porn and almost prefers sex for one because he doesn't have to please a partner.)

We have been dating a year and a half............we have sex maybe once a week (if I initiate..........if I didn't, we wouldn't have sex at all). He is very loving and affectionate, loves to touch and cuddle......his touch drives me wild, but when I respond, he rolls over and goes to sleep. Or says he wants to go down and get on the computer. When we first started dating and for the first 6 months we were having sex 4 or more times a week.

Frustrating.

It is not u... don't ever think that. He may be addicted like my boyfriend it... or he could be just like every other guy in the usa. It sounds like the first time I looked at my boyfriends history.. I was 3 months pregnant so I thought it was because that but it wasn't... its like crack for a crack head. If he's anything like my boyfriend then the only way is professional help... or you just have 2 live with it... I

Remember to watch the thread dates when posting.

The OP is from nearly a year ago, and the poster hasn't been back here in some time. Something to consider when adding new comments.

This doesn't mean new advice is wrong... as long as its an open thread, its fair game... just means you might be spending time on a thread that has long since been resolved, when that energy might be better put toward a current thread with a person who is present and needing help now. Just something to consider when posting.

I tend to look at this because I'm long winded, my answers are as detailed as I can think to do reasonably for the thread... and then after all that work the original poster doesn't even see it. Sometimes ill still post if I feel something new needs to be added for others who will see that thread when searching the forums, like you did.

I just did a similar thing yesterday... gave two or three people "agrees" for advice on a post that was a year old and the poster hadn't been back at all. Oops.

<thread closed for dates and because there are several OTHER posts about boyfriends/husband and porn>