Need help in knowing how to deal with this situation. My 19 yo daughter is in college and dating a boy of another religion. We have raised her in the Mormon faith and she has always been very active in her faith never has she doubted her testimony. Her boyfriend asked her some difficult doctrinal questions and gave her anti mormon literature to read. She now is questioning all of her beliefs including the Bible. She is consumed by this boyfriend and hopes to marry him in the future. This is the only boy she has ever dated and even if he had been the same religion I would not feel that they are right for each other. I am concerned that she is willing to give up everything she has known and her support group in college for this boy. She has attended church 3 days per week while in school. I am angry with him and don't know how to feel towards her. She is coming home next week and I don't know how to handle this situation. I will be seeing them both all summer as she will live at home and he lives in our home town. I know she is an adult but I feel she is making decisions based on pleasing him and not for the right reasons. Please help!

At 19 she is an adult now and has the ability to question things. We can't tell by your post if the boy is a bad person or if you just don't like him.

He is a good person and I don't really dislike him. I feel that he was disrespectful to challenge our beliefs and suggest that she read material that was speaking badly of her beliefs. I just concerned that neitherof them have been in a relationship before and don't really know what they need in a partner yet.

At 19 she is an adult now and can make up her own mind as to her faith. It is also common for young adults to venture outside of their comfort zone to explore new ideas, places, values. This could be the case for her. But, this does not mean that this is a permanent change.

I really cannot comment on the boy. He could be a very nice young man.


He is a good person and I don't really dislike him. I feel that he was disrespectful to challenge our beliefs and suggest that she read material that was speaking badly of her beliefs. I just concerned that neitherof them have been in a relationship before and don't really know what they need in a partner yet.

How do you know that she did not ask for the literature?
Part of growing up is figuring out what you need in a partner. In order to do that you need to date and find out what you like what you don't like, what values are important to you etc. Just because they are seeing each other does not mean that they will definitely marry sometime down the road.

Personally I'm a big fan of marrying a little later in life so that you have a good idea of what a compatible mate is for you. I agree with you there. I don't care much for organized religion but I do believe that if one is involved with it it should be of their own free will, not because someone else wants them to.

I actually think it is important for people to explore other faiths, read about them and come to their own decisions. I have done extensive research on many religions, and found my place with the same religion I was raised in, but that was of my own choosing. I wouldn't necessarily go as far as to say that this boy is the one who stemmed her doubts, she could have already shown doubts, and he suggested additional reading. I think what is important is that you support your daughter in her decisions and pray for her, and then respect her decision whether you believe it is right or not, but not push her in one direction or the other. Ultimately it is her decision. We give our children as much advice and education as we can, but we need to eventually let them go and let them choose their own place. Good luck.

It is sad that someone can have so much "hate" against what someone believes to give them those silly anti mormon matierials, I have seen a lot of things written by chick and other hate groups such as theirs.

I don't understand why he can not merely accept her for being a christian of another denomination. This young man has some serious christianity issues hisself, and sadly she is too love blind to deal with it.

He is already trying to change your daughter into what he wants, not accept and love her for who she is.

In the end it is her choice and one she may end up regretting, as I am sure more and more changes to mold her in his image of a perfect girlfriend is coming.

I would say if she has questions on her faith, introduce her to people that can give her those answers, show her how the material she was given is nothing more than hate against other Chrsitians.
I have little pity for those groups that attack other Christians denominatinos just because they do not practice all of the same things or worship a little different. * by the way those same hate groups that attack mormoms also attack catholics so you are not alone

Thank you all for your comments and support. Prayerfully we will get through this.

Lacey, you have been given some wonderful advice here. I will go one step further. Is there someone in your Church that your daughter admires and respects? It would be beneficial for you to speak with that person. The last thing you want to do is, as the parent, try to dissuade your daughter. Even though she is an adult at 19, she is still your teenage child and may go in the exact opposite direction of what you desire if you push her too hard. Find a way for her to reconnect with someone at your Church that she admires. Let that person be the guide to her.

Even though the boy lives in the same town, find as many fun family and Church outings as possible to take your daughter to this summer. Find as tactful a way as you can to leave him uninvited. She needs to be shown that questioning her community and the strong bonds that it brings, will be a monumental loss to her if she chooses to follow her boyfriend's religion.

I agree with Fr Chuck that to minimize a different religion, is a way for the boyfriend to control. If there is true love, one does not try to change the other person and make them into something they are not. I think a bit of separation from him might be in order, but it has to be done in a nonconfrontational and subtle way so it is not apparent to her what is being done. She needs to spend time with her family and friends as much as possible to realize what she would be giving up. She needs reaffirmation of her faith in as positive, nonconfrontal, nonjudgemental way as possible. The intent, and hopefully the result, will show her that what her boyfriend is doing IS judgemental, and that he is telling her that he does not accept her as she is, and does not accept her family and friends.

Thanks so much! I was thinking the same thing but I am not sure how to "uninvite him". Generally when she is home he is at our home or if we try to do something together as a family she always asks if he can come along. How do I say "no" without obviously excluding him? I don't want to push her further towards him. Honestly right now I don't want him in our home right now. I am still angry. How do I respect her need for independence and her right to regain her testimony without letting her making choices for the wrong reason?

How many other family members do you have living with you? Does she have brothers, sisters, grandparents? Whichever ones you have the best relationship with and feel the same way as you do, are the ones you should have a private discussion with. If a grandparent or a sibling is the one to plan the family outing and "suggest" just family, she might be more amenable to it. Also, you may just want to discuss this with a church elder that you and your husband respect. I am sure they have dealt with this before. This person, or other parents who have gone through this, may have some additional ideas as to how to "positively manipulate" this situation.

I think planning as many church family functions as possible this summer will be extremely helpful. Especially if you have people that she admires and respects within the church become involved in this. The more you allow your church family to help, the better. This boy won't want to go to church functions. And, if he does, this is an excellent opportunity to show him what The Mormon Church is really about and dispel the propaganda he has been spouting.

Great ideas. She is the oldest of 4. I am working on planning some activities now! I just hope that she doesn't use "I am an adult now" excuse not to attend. She did promise in an earlier discussion that she would go to church when she was home so that she did not negatively influence her siblings. Do you think it is wise to express my feelings toward him? I feel like I want to tell him that I am hurt by his actions and at this time can't be around him at this time. Also that I will work to get over those feelings out of respect for my daughter. Are 17 yo boys able to comprehend a mothers love?

No. 17 year old boys don't have clue except what their hormones are telling them! He cannot relate to how a mother feels until he has children of his own.

I know this is hard for you but you need to be as "nice and as sweet as pie" to him. Do not do anything that might undermine your daughter from participating in the activities that other friends and family members "set up." You need to act like everything is wonderful and these activities are not your idea but that you are just going along with them. It will be the only chance you have at getting your daughter to make the right decisions and will allow her to feel that they are her decisions. As I said, I suspect the BF will opt out on all these Church activities. But, if he doesn't, everyone needs to kill him with kindness and show him that what he has been taught about the Mormon Church is untrue. If this is handled right, you may find that he will be open to listening and may just get a clue as to how unfair he has been to your family.

I just hope that she doesn't use "I am an adult now" excuse not to attend. But she is an adult and has that right. No one should be dragged against their will anywhere.

The best way to work at getting over this is to rely on your family and friends within the Church for. I am not a Mormon but I know how wonderful a support network they can be. You have to actively try to hide your true feelings about this. Get everyone else, other than her parents, to extend the invites. She won't be so resistant if she feels that people just want to do activities with her and it isn't just her parents pushing her into this.

You are right NeedKarma but it is appears that the BF is controlling her. She will not be dragged. She will be a willing participant if this is handled correctly. In the end, it will ultimately be the daughter's decision.

Yet the mormons show up at my house wanting me to "discuss" my faith (i.e. convert me) and that's OK? You can't have it one way and not the other.

O my -- your child is starting to find her own way in life. Isn't that what you really wanted?

she doubted her testimony" -- Of course she had not -- was she ever exposed to other thoughts at all outside your beliefs?
What your dealing with is a adult that's finding HER own way. Your path might not be what turns out to be the right path for her. -- Savage

NK, I don't think it is fair for you to equate your situation with theirs.

We can only go by what Lacy is telling us. She is looking for help in a situation where, up until this boy showed up, there wasn't a problem He is handing the daughter anti Mormon literature. We don't know what denomination he is. Maybe he is a fundamentalist. Maybe something else. But, the fact that he seems to be trying to actively convert her away from her faith is problematic in my mind. How much control is he instilling over her? Will he convince her to separate herself from her family and friends? If he is successful, where will she find herself? Cut off from those she loves?

Obviously, she will make her own decisions in the end. But, if he is actively controlling her, the family needs to act and not sit idly by. And they need to do it in a way in which they aren't judging or being reactive, just reminding her of her values and the closeness that they share. I don't see it as being a problem for them to attempt this. All they can do is try.

Now, now Savage my dear. No need for sarcasm. Yes, it is very possible that this girl may turn away from her Church. But Lacy is looking for help, not criticism. I don't see how making an attempt this summer, without putting undue pressure on her daughter, will hurt anything.

I think a lot of assumptions have been made here. It would be nice to hear from the boy's side or the daughter herself before Fr. Chuck starts labelling him as full of hate like he did.

Well, in a perfect world, that would be nice. But, it is the mother that is posting and looking for constructive help. If the daughter or the BF posted, we would be advising them. Possibly in a completely different way. We can only go by what is being told to us and even though Lacy admits she is angry, I don't really read that in her postings here. I find her to be quite logical and a very nice woman who is very concerned about her daughter. So, why not offer constructive advice? In the end, if she handles herself without losing her temper or trying to be forceful with her daughter or the BF, at least she knows that she tried her best. If her daughter does choose to move away from her faith, hopefully, she will know that the door will always be open to her and that she will not lose the love and support of her family. To me, that is the most important factor here.

Lacey -

You have incredible advice and insight already. I will just add a little more -

Love and trust your daughter. I know you do, and it is normal to be a little fearful, when the very values and teachings that you have instilled in your daughter are being questioned.

Pray for her, that she will make the very best decision and be there for her. That's really all that is left for you to do. You have spent years teaching her values, teaching her morals, introducing her to God, and I am sure you have done a beautiful job, as I said, all that is left for you to do, is to love her, trust her and be there for her.

Sadly, this will not be the first time someone approaches your daughter and questions her faith, tries to get her to doubt her faith. It's a big huge at times wonderful at times not so wonderful world out there. There will be days filled with temptation, doubt, choices for your daughter to make. You have given her all the tools you possilbly can to allow her to make the right choice. Trust in the work and love you have given her to date.

She will be okay - trust, believe and PRAY :)

You all have been a great help to me. I really am a stable person. Believe it or not I actually work in the mental health field. As to the Mormons knocking on your door, I hope they politely asked if you wanted to know more about the LDS religion. And if you said "no" that they didn't offer you anything criticising your faith. Again, I know that my daughter needs to and will discover for herself what is best for her. My concern is that this was brought on by the boyfriend. All of her life she has explained and defended her beliefs to others and was never shaken. My worry is that this exploration was brought on for the wrong reasons. That being to please the boyfriend. I have not mentioned his faith because I do not want to leave negative impressions of his faith. He plans to be a minister and thus wants a wife of the same faith. Noble, but I just wish that he would find someone of his faith instead of trying to make my daughter into that person. I say I am angry, maybe more scared and hurt. Again he is not a bad person and he may truly think he is saving her from this terrible religion. But it can't be all bad right? That is who she is and what attracted him to her to begin with.

I agree with you Lacey. The values you instilled in her was a part of what attracted him to her in the first place.

Just keep in mind that what the others have said is true. Your daughter is an adult and she will come to her own decisions. Do not force or push her to do anything that she doesn't want to do. If you find that whatever you do falls on deaf ears (meaning your daughter), all you can do is provide the love and support you have always given her and let her know that you will always be there for her. She will need to hear that from you.

Dear Mom and Dad (or friends or family),

I (or we if leaving as a couple or family) have been doing some major thinking and studying over the past few years regarding our religion. My intention in writing this is only to be honest with you, and I hope you will be open minded as you read on. Please mull it over for several days before discussing it with anyone as it may be a bit shocking at first. It will be better if some initial time is used to sort out your feelings.


I feel that growing up in the church has offered many positive benefits and opportunities. In particular, we are grateful for the emphasis on family values, good morals, and honesty. However, we have some concerns about Mormonism and raising our kids in the church. I don’t want to go into details because I know of your strong belief and love for the gospel, and I respect your choice of beliefs. I want you to know that my emerging beliefs are not in vast conflict, as far as morals go, with those of the church. We have no desire to change the good standards of living that we have been taught, and plan to nourish those in the kids as well.

Basically, I’d like to continue to grow in an environment which allows a less restrictive view of life, and I'd like our kids to have those same opportunities. I want to raise them in such a manner that they will achieve their fullest potential without having to go through some of the guilt and pressures that may be unnecessarily felt by LDS youth. I don’t think that raising them in a church which claims to be "the one true church on earth", and personally not believing this, would do them any good. I want them to have the freedom to live out their own thought-out convictions. I also want to be totally honest with each other and the kids. Pretending to believe is no longer an honest option.

My personal reasons for doing this are based on a great deal of research (several years worth), and this turn of events has in no way been a hasty decision. The initial conclusions that I was drawing were very painful to me at first, but in the long run it has been a positive experience. My personal integrity has been preserved in the process.

It is not my intention to hurt you by making this choice. You are my parents, and I love and respect you both. You have done nothing to cause this change of events in our lives. We personally must follow our own paths. I hope that you can respect that. We are hoping that our relationship with the family and our friends will continue to be as good as it has been in the past. Our love for you and the family hasn’t changed, and we hope you will remember this first and foremost.

Love, Mormon Youth

Exmormon.net - About This Ministry (http://www.exmormon.net/ministry.html)

Lacey
Time for one of those much maligned Fundies(as we have been called on another forum) to weigh in. I am a Pentecostal preacher. Wait, before you go click and leave me you might be surprised by what I have to say.

My youngest daughter's former mother-in-law was a Latter Day Saint and I personally have probably never seen a woman who loved the Lord any more than she did. I have known many LDS through the years and have never had a complaint about their morals, values or anything else about them.

A word about some of the Fundies (funny the word as used was meant to be derogatory like "holy rollers" used to be... but I kind of like it... It's a lot shorter than fundamentalist Christian) who go about handing out the anti LDS literature do so not out of hatred but out of love... They are completely in the dark about your religion.

This young man may be laboring in the same kind of ignorance. He may think that he is doing your daughter a kindness.

You have received some wonderful advice here and I have chimed in to add my support to the idea of wrapping your daughter in the love that I know your church is capable of delivering.

I wish you the best and suggest that you make a point of inviting the young man along occasionally. He might learn something.

I have said more than once that I would like to Pastor a church of fifths.
One fifth Pentecostals to teach how to yield to the Holy Spirit.
One fifth Baptists to teach how to study the Bible.
One fifth Black to teach how to worship and raise a joyous sound to the Lord.
One fifth Jehovah Witness to teach how to work for the Lord.
And Last but not least one fifth LDS to teach how to take care of one another.

Blessings,
Chaplain John

chaplain john, although I do not disagree with your advice to Lacy, and I do not want to engage in a major religious discussion here and hijack this lady's posting, I am curious as to why, in your "fifths", four are religions and one is a race. Frankly, I have a problem with the entire "fifths" listing, but that race one is truly bothersome to me. Why are you pulling a race into it? There are many blacks who follow the teachings of all the religions you listed. Your listing suggests you are a racist. If we get into more than a few postings about this, I will suggest we start a separate thread to discuss it. As I stated, I do not want to get off topic when this nice lady is looking for constructive advice. But what you stated bothers me tremendously.

It bothers me as well.
Why are we bringing race into this discussion.
I would love to hear what John has to say about why he grouped his groupings like this.


Lacy would also like to point out that it is important that you do not push the boy away. In doing so you might push your daughter away.

I will be honest the ones who it brothers has to be white, and never been to a black baptist or methoist or funalmentalist church.

I go to a 99 percent black church ( I am basically the only white person except on Easter or Christmas) And when we vist the white churches they look at me strange when I say AMEN to what the preacher says, or hold my hands up in prayer or get excited when I preach

I am not saying it is all black churches or all white churches, but honestly I preach in all of them and within the same denominations, there are differences in how on "averge" they do in worship.

Just making true statements about how certain ethnic groups worship is not racist, it is really just true. Not for each person, but over all it really is.

I don't see this as racism, but poor math and logic behind separating race from religion. He certainly didn't mean to offend anyone. He obviously means he would like to see all these kinds of people in his church, so that he can enjoy what he sees as a fulfilling christian community.

He more likely meant he would like a quarter of all the religions there, and a mishmash of them to be black (you can't say that there is no difference between the races in christianity, it may be slightly stereotyped but it seems to be true on the average the they celebrate more outwardly joyously, this isn't racism.).

I don't really see anythign to take offence to.

Well I believe that you are wrong Fr. Chuck.

I have been to an African American Church. I have been a number of times actually. My boyfriend all through college was an african american whose father was the pastor of a church in Yonkers NY. I spent a lot of time with their family and going to church. I can honestly say though that I never thought of them as "Black Baptists." I just thought of them as Baptists. And yes church was fun, the community feeling that I found there was outstanding.

However, in my "White Catholic" church I find the same sense of community. I think religon is religon, and race is race. When you combine the two you are stepping into murky water.

I am a long way from being a racist!

I included the black race because the black churches with whom I have had opportunity to worship, and there have been more than a few, have had a Joyful freedom to their worship that is such a wonderful thing to see and be a part of...

The black churches with whom I have experience just seem to have learned, probably through all the trials they have had, a way of putting their troubles down, getting their minds and eyes upon the Lord and worshiping him to the fullest. This, I think, is an ability that all who worship God should learn.

The statement was not meant to demean in any way.

If anyone was offended I offer my most humble and abject apologies. But as for me being a racist I take offense at that inference.

Blessings,
Chaplain John

I have said more than once that I would like to Pastor a church of fifths.
One fifth Pentecostals to teach how to yield to the Holy Spirit.
One fifth Baptists to teach how to study the Bible.
One fifth Black to teach how to worship and raise a joyous sound to the Lord.
One fifth Jehovah Witness to teach how to work for the Lord.
And Last but not least one fifth LDS to teach how to take care of one another.

Blessings,
Chaplain John


My exact thoughts Tuscany.

I am sorry Fr Chuck and Capuchin. I do not agree with your assessments. I will say that I have seen some of Chaplain John's posts and from what I have seen, he is a nice respectful man. I was truly dismayed when I saw the above. As I stated, it is not just the racial implications in this statement but this statement as a whole that I have a problem with. The racial aspect I found particularly glaring.

Fr Chuck, I understand what you are saying but what is written here suggests that Blacks do not know "how to worship or raise a joyous sound to the Lord." There are many black baptists that would vehemently disagree with this statement as Tuscany states. I know many as well. They would not take kindly to this.

I know a black Jehovah Witness that would resent someone stating that they can "teach how to work for the Lord." I know this person believes that she has been taught how to do this properly. I grew up with a white Jehovah Witness who would also be offended.

I dated a Pentecostal in my younger days and although our religious differences were what broke us up, he would be livid to read that someone wanted to teach him "how to yield to the Holy Spirit."

I suspect that Lacey would resent his implication that LDSs do not know how to take care of one another.

It is fine for Chaplain John to state that he would like a mixed and varied congregation. That is a wonderful thought. But, the way he has chosen to express himself, suggests that these people he lists do not know how to do this now. How egotistical and condescending is that?

I have more to say, but I have to sign off for a while.

P.S. I just saw your post above mine Chaplain John. I will be back.

No, Ruby, you are reading it wrongly (I believe).

He isn't saying that they need to be taught, he is saying the opposite, that they are best placed to teach these things because of their beliefs and the way they celebrate.

Yes, it is worded awkwardly, and now I see why you are worried. But it can be understood another way (I believe you are not reading it how he meant to say it)!

Wow Ruby, you totally misread what John wrote. Totally.

Try putting in where he says "to teach how to" change it to "to teach us how to". I believe this is what he meant to say. He doesn't want to teach! He wants to be taught!

I agree that all religions and good people have much to teach, and we all have much to learn. Thanks for your thoughts on my concerns. By the way PBS is presenting a documentary on the Mormons, April 30th and May 1st. See FRONTLINE + American Experience: The Mormons: Preview Site | PBS (http://www.pbs.org/mormons/view/2514.html?&c=3wm)

Again I will state. Religon is religon, black, white, blue, purple or pink. Its worshipers are its worshipers. And color should not matter.

John, I don't think of you as a racist at all. But I think you are generalizing. And that is not fair. I would like to think that my "white church" can raise their voices to the lord as well as a "black church."

First, I think "casting the stone" of racism here is out of line. Second, I just love a good, black gospel singing group. They just get into it Mo Betta!

Beside each group listed is a trait, or ability that I most admire about that group. It is something that, in my experience, shows in a very large percentage of that group. My Idea would be to have members of one group or another lead the others into a greater understanding of their (for lack of a better word coming to mind) specialty.

I admire the Witnesses ability to keep on going even after the door being slammed in their face or being reviled by someone.

I admire the way Latter Day Saints encourage and help one another. I know that you don't see LDS in Welfare lines because they have their own system of support. The rest of us should have a support system built into our churches like that.

I know Baptists (lay people) who, I'm sorry to say, have a better knowledge of the Bible than I do. And I'm a minister licensed by a pretty fair sized denomination.

I'm sorry Tuscany I didn't mean to infer that all white churches didn't know how to worship because my own can get pretty loose sometimes but my experience (and I see Fr Chuck has had similar experience) has been that the preponderance of black fundamentalist and evangelical just seem to have figured out how to lay down their problems, turn to God, focus completely on him and give to him everything that is within themselves.

That is something that garners my utmost admiration.

To those of you who were able to see through my poor wording and tried to explain for me I can't thank you enough.

To those who didn't understand... If you will email or PM me I'll try to explain and then clarify my post. I welcome constructive criticism.

I never, ever mean to downgrade, belittle, or offend anyone. If I use a poor choice of words sometimes, I beg you, blame it on the fact that the gray matter that used to be in my head is leaking out my chin turning my red beard gray.

Apologies and Blessings,
Chaplain John

Chaplain John, thank you so much for explaining this. I do appreciate your taking the time. I am glad that NeedKarma, Fr Chuck, and Capuchin were able to see what I didn't. We all have our off days and sometimes don't read things the way the poster intended. I apologize for stating that "your listing suggests you are a racist" and just generally jumping all over you here. As I stated, I saw your earlier postings and you struck me as a nice and respectful man. I am glad that my original assessment was correct. Please pardon my misinterpretation of your intent.

Ruby
As you say we all have off days.

My initial response to your first post following mine was done in anger and hurt. I should not have been so thin skinned as to have taken and voiced offense.
(Did that confuse you as much as it is now doing me? Hope you understand which one I'm talking about)

Your apology is accepted though not needed.

Blessings,
John

Lacy, could it be that your daughter asked him to look in to the Mormon church then he just told him why he didn't like it then she asked why and he showed him why. She is an adult and can make her own decisions.

I know how LDS people are. I married into one. My mother in law doesn't like me, and they can be very pushy. Some people are great others can be mean. My hubby is LDS. I'm not, I'm not anti-mormon or anything I respect them, but I don't Believe.

Is it that you just don't like him because he isn't your faith?

Could me that this is how it came about. But again, I still don't believe that others should spend time making websites criticising any religion. ANd my concern was that she feels pressured to change to please him. I hope that she wouldn't pressure him to change his beliefs either. I also said that I don't dislike him. He is boy with high morals and from what I have seen a good person. I dislike the fact that she hasn't dated anyone else to know if he is the one she wants to be married to and she is making decisions as if he is.

She doesn't need to date other people to know if he is the right one.
I married my first and only boyfriend. I felt he was the one.
That's how your daughter feels. You should respect her decisions, and if you don't support her she will, little by little lose relationship with you. Family is the most important, and even if you don't agree, just let her know that you'll support her because you love her. If this guy isn't the right one, she will figure that out on his own.
I agree with you that no one should make websites, books etc criticising ANY religion, but it happenes, and it will keep happening, but we shouldn't worry because we are not the ones doing it. Let others do what they want to do. The words shouldn't hurt us because we know (from our faiths) what's true.

You don't want to push your daughter away. So, I say accept him, support her, and let her know that you love her. That does not mean that he needs to be at every family function. But, she needs to feel that you involve him. The last thing you need is to lose your daughter over a boy. If he is the right one, then she is a lucky person to find Mr. Right so soon. If not, you will be there to support her, and help mend her broken heart.

I have really appreciated the support here. You all seem like great people. This has helped quite a bit. I will try to take some of the advice you all have given. I didn't say before why I felt like the boyfriend was not the right one for her before because I felt what I am goind to tell you now was personal. But after reading that so many here are unsure of GOd or a Heavenly Being, I want to let you know that I know He does exist. YOu may not agree with this experience and may try to discount it. Please don't. It is very personal to me and show that Heavenly Father hears out prayers. SO... Last Sept, Oct my daughter ( and I) were concerned about this relationship. WE all assumed that once she went away to school that the reltionship would end. Well it didn't and she knew that she had always wanted to marry a Mormon so she prayed to know if this person was the right one because he wasn't Mormon and she had strong feelings for him. SHe never got an answer just confusion ( for me that was an answer, no peace but confusion) but she kept praying because that was not the answer she wanted. Well on Friday night I prayer fervently that she would have her answer. The next afternoon she called me very upset telling me that she had broken up with the boyfriend because she woke up and had no feelings towards him. SHe was frightened by the experience but recognized it as God's way of answering her. SHe joked that she had always been hard headed and it took something dramatic to let her see. SHe was miserable and going through all of the pain that break up has. SHe missed him, she having a boyfriend and the security it brings. But she knew at that time although she couldn't exactlly explain it to him, that GOd was helping her make the best decision for her. To make a painful story short they got back together because she said it hurt too much without him. I have tired as you all have previously suggested not to push him away but couldn't feel as warm towards him after this. I have been friendly and he has been to our home since this all has happened many many times but I just don't feel that he is the right one. WHen this religion thing came up I reminded her that GOd had spoken to her and she was going against what he had told her. I reminder her that she has agency and will choose for herself. SHe now discounts that experience as being under too much stress at school. DOes this make since to anyone now why I feel so strongly that this good young man is not the one I want my daughter with? I do know that it really doesn't matter what I want. ANd that I can't not prevent her from this choice. My concern is honestly for both of them. I am afraid that they both will miss the person that GOd has for them both because they are not available to find that person. Hope this all makes sense. Again, you may not agree but please do not mock me. I am open to comments but not God bashing. I am too sensitive right now.

Oh Lacey, I do understand and do believe. God answers all of our prayers and we can hear him, if we truly try and listen.

Now Lacey, I do wonder if you would have felt the same if after praying, she didn't react the way that she did, and felt love for her boyfriend even stronger. Would you still feel God answered your prayer?

Lacey, you have got to continue to pray, trust and believe. I think you are getting more spun up about this then even God would want you to.

Part of having faith is accepting and admitting that we really don't have any reason to have stress or anxiety, if we truly let God do the driving and accept His Will.

Please be careful in putting so much stress on yourself and your daughter in empahzing that God answered your prayer and by her still dating this young man, is going against God's wishes. I think it is unfair to both of you.

Perhaps, God is still formulating an answer to your prayer, and all of these steps you and your daughter are taking, is movement towards understand God's true intention and wishes.

Listen with your heart and try and close off your wishes and allow those of our loving Father in. God will not abandon niether you or your daughter, just continue to trust and have faith.

I understand. I think I have a problem with knowing how much is my responsibility as a parent and how too much to trust GOd.

In a way Lacey - that is a beautiful dilemma.

Just keep in mind, while being a parent, God is always there to help you and guide you.
The best you can do, is to be there for your daughter, listen, continue to educate and give your loving advice.

I also believe that the Mormon faith has Bishops that head the congregation. How would you or your daughter feel about seeking advice from the Bishop? Even if you think you know what the bishop is going to say, if you truly wish guidance and want it to be in accordance with what your faith would want you to do, would it help to seek consult from the bishop? Just a thought.

I wish you peace and I pray that peace does come to you and your daughter. You sound like a beautiful loving and caring Mother and that makes me smile. I have no doubt, you have raised a beautiful and loving daughter.

Yes, I think we will use your advice. SHe comes home on Tuesday. I was going to go pick her up but I am afraid that the 6 hour car ride would be too much for me emotionally. I am so afraid to say the wrong things to her that may push her away. I can't seem to stop crying and didn't want her to have to deal with all of my emotions for 6 hours. So her dad is going instead. WHen she asked why I wasn't coming I told her the truth. I said that I was still really emotional right now and did not want to say anything that would hurt our relationship. SHe seemed to be OK with that. Maybe to Ok for me. :) WE have been talking but just small talk and that has been OK but didn't know if I could keep it together for 6 hours.

Lacey-

Oh I am so sorry about all the tears that you have cried and do cry. Now that's one thing I do know for very sure, and that is, our Father, would not want you to be crying so many tears.

Lacey, give those tears over to our Father. Excerise that incredible faith that you have and truly believe that the Father is right there with you. That should put your heart at ease.

Thanks again, your concern and comments mean a lot. I feel blessed to have come to this site and have received great advice. I thank you all. I hope when I am in a better place I can do the same for others. You are right. I am an incredible control freak when it comes to my children. I truly believe that raising my children is the most important job I have. Maybe I am to learn a lesson here as well. I do have to have Faith in my Heavenly Father and know that he loves her more than I do and will protect her more than I can.

Amen Sister Lacey :)

Now you just dry those eyes and please realize, that you are a blessing to us as well. To me, your faith, your wanting to lead your life according to Our Father's wishes, reminded me, who should actually be in charge :) So thank YOU and blessings to you as well.

You do have a beautiful problem on your hands if I may say. It warms my heart to see a loving Mother care so deeply for her daughter. And okay, yeah, a bit on the controlling side, but hey, :), if we all didn't have things to work on, well, we wouldn't be here to work on them. LOL.

My very best to you and I truly do mean it when I tell you that you have reminded me, who I should be turning to - to help guide my way.

Bless you Lacey and your daughter as well - I will keep both of you in my prayers.

I haven't been able to get back online as much as I had hoped.

Lacey, it is so upsetting to me to see you in such distress. Although I do have my own beliefs, I never force those beliefs onto others, and never discount someone else's faith. I try to encourage those people who post their problems that appear to be religious, to turn to whatever belief structure they have as a support when they are troubled.

I am so very glad Allheart was here to help you and that you are listening to her. She is as right as rain on this. As you can see, Allheart is a wonderful lady. She is truly a good person whose compassion is bigger than life at times, and she truly hurts to see other people who are hurting. As she has stated, you need to put your trust in your faith and pray. You know in your heart that you cannot force this situation to be what YOU want it to be. This relationship your daughter is in, will be guided and unfold the way it is meant to. I know the last thing you want to do is to push your child away from you. You need to find your strenth. Pray for it. Please don't fall apart on your daughter over this situation. Your family needs you to be the strong woman and support that you have always been. Please keep us posted as to how you are holding up with this situation.

Thank you Ruby - I am so blessed to have met you. Thank you for loving me. I truly mean that. (Sorry Lacey, didn't mean to go off track - a hug for you as well)

Ruby gives the soundest most compasionate advice with a wisdom that makes what at first is so merky, become so clear. Bless you Ruby.

Lacey, we are all here for you.

I can see why you, ALLHEART have this name. You Ruby Pitbull, I am not so sure. Pitbulls are portrayed as mean and aggressive. Doesn't fit you at all! :)

Oh, don't be fooled. I am a true fighting pitbull when the situation calls for it. ;)

Thanks for the warning!

Here are my thoughts. Getting angry or giving your daughter "the speech" may only push her further away from your family. When he is in your home, make sure that you include him in your family prayers and family home evenings. Include him as part of your family and respect your daughter's decisions. I know it may be hard, but there is nothing worse to a college kid newly away from home, than having parents nag at you about going to church things like that. This is probably the first time in her life where she is able to make her own decisions without her parents watching over her shoulders. She is just trying it out to see how it goes.
Pray lots and open your scriptures for answers. This has worked numerous times for countless individuals. I hastily remember a story about a general authority who was called on a mission with his. They were hesitant to go but were promised in a blessing that their child that has left the church will return and regain their testimony if they go on their mission. They went and their child returned. Remember, faith can move mountains. Surely faith can help your daughter too. Good luck.

Thanks for the support. SHe comes home tonight so we will see how things go. I will try to be nice to him for her sake and give her the space she needs to make her own decisions. Wish me luck and prayers wouldn't hurt either.

Thanks for the support. SHe comes home tonight so we will see how things go. I will try to be nice to him for her sake and give her the space she needs to make her own decisions. Wish me luck and prayers wouldn't hurt either.
I will do both!

Ok, update. It has been less than 24 hours since she has arrived home but to far so good. I took some great advice from some great people ( pat yourselves on the back). I was trying to be as "normal" as possible for her home coming and not show my emotions. So since it was to late to cook her favorite dinner I made her favorite cookies. We just had small talk but everyhting went well. She really does seem like the old daughter I left at college. I think I was afraid that because she wasn't sure of her beliefs I thougt she would be differnet person. The good News... She is still great! I do see that she is more independent but I guess that is what I want her to be. The issue isn't resolved but I do feel much better about it and think I may actually survive! We haven't discussed relgion yet but so far so good. Thanks for the prayers and don't stop yet!

And she will always be a great person regardless of her beliefs. :)

Very true NeedKarma. Good parenting does that. :)

I am glad that you are relaxing a bit here Lacey. You know your daughter is a great kid. Keep up the good work. Enjoy her company this summer. Support and love her as you always have. :)

I'm glad things are going well. Sounds like you handled it just like the good parent that you appear to be. Your relationship with your daughter will be stronger too, because she probably expects there to be some sort of 'speech' from you or your husband, or to be treated poorly for her decisions. When it doesn't happen, she will be grateful.

You all are generous. I do feel better but still anxious. I am not planning a "speech" but am going to continue to practice our religious beliefs as we always have. I will invite her and her boyfriend to attend and participate but will try not to force it.

Don't just "try not to" Lacey honey, please don't force anything. You will find resistance from your daughter if you do, and her boyfriend may use that to further his agenda. Include them in your activities. Surrounding them with positive messages, just might bring him around to respecting your beliefs and stop his judgemental behavior.

Update- All going well. My daughter chose to go to church Wednesday night with her siblings without any coaxing. I am feeling much better as I see she is showing her independence without being confrontational. I am not offering advice unless she asks. The boyfriend thing may fizzle out on its own as I'm not sure that they are as compatible now that she is here everyday. Hopefully she can get busy with other friends as they come home for the summer and she will be starting a job next week. Maybe she will see that she can be happy without a boyfriend at all for right now. I have been polite to the boyfriend ( much to my surprise I am not angry with him anymore). I am thinking the more neutral I am about the relationship the better. Maybe she won't choose to show her independence through him or church if she can be independent in other ways. ANyone who has survived a 19 yo might advise me on that note. Anyway, you all have been great when I needed support and I have enjoyed talking with you all.

Update- All going well. My daughter chose to go to church Wednesday night with her siblings without any coaxing. I am feeling much better as I see she is showing her independence without being confrontational. I am not offering advice unless she asks. The boyfriend thing may fizzle out on its own as I'm not sure that they are as compatible now that she is here everyday. Hopefully she can get busy with other friends as they come home for the summer and she will be starting a job next week. Maybe she will see that she can be happy without a boyfriend at all for right now. I have been polite to the boyfriend ( much to my surprise I am not angry with him anymore). I am thinking the more neutral I am about the relationship the better. Maybe she won't choose to show her independence through him or church if she can be independent in other ways. ANyone who has survived a 19 yo might advise me on that note. Anyway, you all have been great when I needed support and I have enjoyed talking with you all.

Lacey
I've survived two 19 yos. Remain Neutral on most kinds of negative. Independence and encourage any pos.. Independence. Even if there is a problem if you can minimize the conflict she will forgive given some time. I have to admit that sometimes I didn't think mine would ever come back (I had some pretty bad anger issues back then and was always too outspoken) but after a while they did come around and we have a very good relationship these days and have had for quite some time (they're 40 and 36). After all is said and done you are still her Mom and she won't forget it.
Blessings,
John

Yes, at the end of the day, even if she shaved her head, joined the "moonies" and was selling flowers at the airport, she is still your daughter and you love her.

And just as I was starting to relax this... I walked in my daughter and boyfreind making out last night. Still clothed but more than kissing going on. We have always had long talks about this behavior and what it will lead and here it is. I think she had been going along with everything that she thought I wanted her to so she could avoid the argument. SHe had posted on her web site that maybe she should pretent that she does want what I want. Now what?? Can I not allow him here?

This is a really tough situation. I really feel for you. On the one hand, you don't agree with her behavior, but on the other hand, you don't want to push away you daughter. I would be willing to bet that confronting her on this will cause more problems for you that you would like.
It is your home, however, and you have the ability to make and enforce the rules. However, if your daughter is doing this behavior in your house, she is probably doing it other places too.
This is what I am going to tell you. It sounds like you have been a great mother to her for these 19 years. At one point you just have to tell yourself that your daughter is accountable for her own actions, and you have to trust that your parenting over the years will guide her in the decisions that she makes and continues to make. You have taught her what is right and what is wrong. She knows this and knows that you know she knows this. You cannot force your will on your daughter. One of the greatest gifts that our loving God has given us is the ability and freedom to choose for ourselves. Remember, satan wants to take this freedom away.
In my opinion, you just have to let her make her decisions. It is OK to let her know what you think about the decisions she is making, but do it in such a nice way that will surprise you're her. This must be so hard for you, but it is not possible for you to govern every choice that your daughter will ever make. You just have to pray and hope that she will follow her heart and make the decisions that she feels are the right ones. Your Heavenly Father is very conscious of the situation. Always remember this.

Lacy, autta is right. If you banish him from the house, if you try to force your will upon her, she will go in the exact opposite direction. There should not be any argument. That is the exact wrong way to handle this. You have a right to tell her that she should be respectful of the rules of the house and that you are disappointed in her behavior. But, an argument over this is not constructive and will only lead to a division between you. Please try to avoid this. I think it might be wise for you to have a discussion with someone in your church that you respect and admire. Someone with older children or someone who was themselves a child in the same situation as your daughter is in. Knowing both you and your daughter, they can give you some insight and guidance on how to handle this situation.

Ok we had a talk and I left it that they were not to be in our house alone and if we went to bed at 10 then he leaves. Her argument was that they were going to get married someday so it would be OK as along as they don't have intercourse. We talked calmly about how any sexual behavior is wrong but... I also tried to reason with her that although they both felt that they would be married eventually that most likely at 19 at 17 they don't know that. And how sharing these intimate moments with our marriage will be cheating their future spouses. ANy advise on how to let them see that they have no idea who to marry yet and are way to young to think otherwise? SHe also informed me that she has no intention of going to church once she returns to school and I told her that I had no intentions of lettting her have a car that I pay for either. I explained that a car was reward for making muture and good choices and if she wasn't making good choices she didn't get the reward. SHe is gone now to talk with the boyfriend about "cooling things down". HELP

Isn't she 19? If my daughter waited until 19 to start heavy petting then I'd be more than OK with that, uncomfortable if it's my house of course, but OK. It's time to cut the cord so to speak.

Lacey, although you don't see it that way because you calmly spoke with her, what you are doing IS controlling behavior. NeedKarma and others have made a point that she is 19. What you are doing is treating her as if she is 16. Not good my dear. Not smart at all. Threatening to take away her car because you feel she isn't acting like a mature adult is like a slap in the face. It isn't as if she is running around toilet papering people's houses in the middle of the night. It isn't as if she is throwing herself on the ground and stomping her feet, screaming and crying. Telling her that she is way too young to be talking about marriage and she has no idea who she will marry, is also not good. She is deadly serious about this situation. She feels that she is going to be marrying him. You can't reason with that or tell her NO, absolutely not. She is legally of an age where can choose to marry who she wants to.

Doing these things you have done will push her away from you. You are trying to control a situation that you have no control over. What will happen when she returns to school? You won't be around and she will be with the boyfriend. With your current actions, you are pushing her right into his arms.

Please rethink your actions and responses. I know you were upset catching them but you need to tell her that their actions made you uncomfortable and you do not want them doing that under your roof. That is reasonable enough. It is your house and you have rules. But, telling her she doesn't know who she will marry and she is not acting mature is not reasonable in her mind. She has been living away from home. She is responsible for her life at school. You can't control that. If you aren't careful, she will go back to school and marry him while there.

You have to accept that she is not your little girl anymore, and you cannot force or impose your wishes upon her.

Lacey,

God Bless you honey. Honest to heaven. I feel so bad for you. Your poor heart. Lacey, Lacey, Lacey. Try and relax. Try and let go of her, even just a little.

Now, you should make it known that no way under your roof should that ever happen and it should never ever happen again under your roof as it is disrespectful.

Lacey, that is all you can do. If you take any further negative mesaures with you, I promise you, ALL communication will cease. You will be lucky if you know is she has a cold or not.

I would not touch on your conversation that you had with her about the car. No, please, do not ban him from your home. You voice your displeasure to your daughter, about the things that you expect to be done and not done under your roof, and that's it.

Lacey, hun, hang in there. Put a rubberband around your wrist, and if you feel you are going into "trying to control mode" pull it and let it SNAP :).

Keeping you in our thoughts Lacey, we know how hard this is for you!

Well, despite the warnings she just returned from the boyfriend and said that after talking they both agreed that they were moving to fast. They have agreed to not be intimate and keep themselves around other people so that they are not tempted. By the way the boyfriend does not go to school where she is and she won't being seeing him unless she's home. Does anyone else see that having sex before marriage is wrong? I can't be the only old fashioned one left. This is our values and what she has been taught and agreed with until this relationship. Yes she is older now but that shouldn't change your moral beliefs. At this point I don't see much difference if they did get married .they are living as they are. Everything she does is centered around the fact that they plan to marry anyway. SHe has isolated herself from her former friends and changed her beliefs to match his so that they can be more compatible in marriage so would it really matter? At least then I wouldn't worry about the sex before marriage.

Lacey,

Your mind is just racing and for things that like Ruby said, you really have not control over.
Why invite worry before it need arrive?

Each day with your daughter is a precious gift. Learn to embrace it.
Oh, I know it must be so darn hard. I can't even imagine Lacey. I am not a parent and more than likely I would be spinning just as you are, maybe even worse.

But you have done a beautiful job with your daughter. This is your time to breath out and start to see the results of your hard work. Trust and love your daughter, oh and be sure and purchase one rubber band, better make it two in case the first one breaks.

You are not the only "old-fashioned one left". I don't think you are wrong at all for believing sex before marriage is wrong. Your post led me to believe that they were not having intercourse but doing some heavy petting. I was also under the impression that they were together at school.

I know that she has adjusted herself to please him. I don't like the fact that it appears that he is controlling her behavior. I do believe it is not good that she is cutting off contact with her friends. She should be doing what she believes is correct and right, not being controlled by anyone.

I hope that they stick to their agreement. She needs to be around her friends and have her own life. A person cannot live their lives solely to please someone else.

Allheart has given you some good advice. I like the rubber band idea. Take deep breaths. Count to three. You don't want to force her to choose between you and the boyfriend.

What if the results are not positive? WHat if the results are a pregnancy? Or he breaks her heart and she realizes all she gave up for him?

So, lacey, are you saying that they have had sex? I agree with your logic. If they break up it would be emotionally traumatic for her. Pregnancy is another big issue. I don't disagree with that. But, you do have to trust in the beliefs you have instilled in her. You mentioned he intends on joining the clergy. I don't know what his beliefs are but I think he probably feels just as strongly about abstinence until marriage as she does. Do you think he is not sincere in his beliefs? Do you think that he may be or have been sexually active?

Lacey, I didn't think they were having sex fully. Even still, Lacey, I really think you have to calm yourself as much as possible.

If you are having trouble trusting your daughter's judgement, then fall back on that strong faith you have, and trust that God will watch over your daughter, even when you can not.

Oh, Lacey, my heart goes out to you. I have been busy with final exams and just caught up on your post.

Dear, you are not the only old fashioned mother, I have just had to have the "talk" with my 2 oldest boys who are 19 and 20.

I am not LDS, but am highly religious, as are my children.

The hardest part for me was letting them go and letting them make their own decisions, right or wrong.

I would like to gently remind you that when you gave birth to your precious daughter, she did not come with a set of instructions. You learned through trial and error how to raise her. And what a wonderful job you did, whether you see it now or not.

Now fast forward to adulthood. Adulthood does not come with a set of instructions either. She must learn to be an adult through trial and error, as you learned to raise her much earlier.

She must learn to make decisions. She will learn what is good for her and what is not. But she cannot do this with you telling her what is right and wrong. She must experience this to learn from it. She must learn the consquences of her actions on her own, with no intervention from you otherwise she will not fully LEARN.

I do have a concern here though (or two) which I will address each separately.

1) You mention that while she was away at school her boyfriend gave her the Anti-Morman materials. Now, you do not say that she is going to a Mormon school, so I believe it safe to assume that this is a public school where there may be other outside influences other than the boyfriend. You understand that there is now a course in college called "Introduction to World Religion" where they explore ALL of the world's religions. Could it be possible that she either took this course or has had friends who had. Or had met other friends of different religions and she became curions?

2) I hear it is all about the boyfriend controlling and you trying to rein her in. Nowhere did I hear mention about her Father and his thoughts on this subject. It would be interesting to know where he stands in this push-pull that is going on in your family.

3) Like the others said, it seems as though you are borrowing trouble in that you are already considering pregnancy. Or breaks her heart.

Lacey dear, if he breaks her heart she will learn. It is all part of growing and maturing into the adult that she will oneday be. If her heart is never broken she will never be complete. I know it sounds strange but to love fully we must have been hurt.

What if she becomes pregnant? There are worse things that could happen Lacey. At least you will have a daughter to love and a grandchild to hold. However, if you keep pushing her you risk losing her. Is this what you want?

She is now of age to get married to whomever she wants whenever she wants. If you push her too much further she will figure that out on her own and she will do just that without the acceptance from anyone in the family.

Lacey, it is hard to be a mother, but to be a loving caring mother, one must know when to let our children make their own decisions in life.

SHe appears to not have any judgement right now. They have not have intercourse yet. But as I explained to her their intentions before were to not be anymore intimate than casual kissing it has advanced, so how can they be sure that it won't continue to advance? There have been many unintentional pregnancies right?

That is true, but you have to trust in the values that you instilled in her Lacey. I suspect she takes waiting until marriage very seriously.

I think J_9 made some good points. What is your husband's attitude?

Have you spoken with anyone at your Church as I suggested? Did they have any advice? What did they suggest you do?

Lacey, pregnancy occurs with intercourse, as I am sure you know already. Don't cross that bridge until you get to it. Trust me, I am in your shoes here with my 2 eldest sons, so I can relate to you.

Casual kissing has advanced, yeah, so. Not to sound crass, but you can't shield her 24/7 from every danger you perceive in life.

It is so hard with our oldest isn't it? We bring these beautiful babies in the world wanting the best for them, but when they grow they see life through rose colored glasses and we wish we could just take those glasses off.

But the reality is Lacey, we have to let them make their own decisions in life and hope and pray that what we have instilled upon them in their tender years will come to the surface when the time arises.

We are very lucky mothers that have children of this age who are still virgins. At least that is what they tell us. LOL So it shows some degree of maturation on their part to remain this way up until this point.

Our children are no longer of the age where we can make decisions for them, we must trust their judgment, good or bad, and love them nonetheless and support whatever decisions they make no matter how terribly it pains us.

Again, where does your husband stand on all that is going on? This is VERY important, and seems to have been left out.

My husband is not as emotional ( surprise) as I am but is in agreement with me. ALthough like you all he says she is love blind and their isn't much we can do about it. I as you all know have to being doing something. I don't know how not to . Right now she doesn't really care what church members think because currently the church doesn't mean anything either. She tells me the anti mormon stuff was online not given by him. He questioned her beliefs and asked for proof. SHe couldn't provide proof ( nor can he) so she felt he must be right. Or at least easiert to go along with because is her beleifs are right then that would mean she won't be marrying him. HE has made it clear that he wants no part of Mormonism. SHe does still question some of his doctrine but is sure that ours must b wrong. Her friends for the most part have been LDS at school so again I am concerned for her return to school if she shuts them out.

Lacey, what is the boyfriend's religion?

Baptist

So, the Baptist believe in our Heavenly Father also... They also believe that there is a Heaven and a Hell. The situation could be worse... She could be involved with skinheads!! :eek:

Thanks for making me smile!

Lacey, let me paint it in a different color, if you will.

Remember when she was in, say 9th grade? Remember she had homework, probably tons right? Did you do her homework for her? No, you let her learn her assignments on her own, right? Goodness, if you did her homework she would not have passed her tests.

Now, she is doing her homework for life's lessons. In life's lessons she has to learn on her own. You cannot do her homework for her otherwise she will not pass her tests.

She MUST do this all on her own otherwise you risk losing the beloved child you once cradled in your arms.

Lacey, I read that talking to clergy may help, but have you considered professional therapy? It may be beneficial to both you and your daughter.

A person once told me that I should parent in a way that when my kids are faced with a difficult decision to make, they hear my voice in the back of their heads saying, "Honey, is that such a good idea?" Hopefully a similar voice would pop into your daughter's head if she were to meet a 'hot' skinhead.

LOl a hot skinhead... ooooh baby.

skinhead.

Okay, so I couldn't think of anything else at the time and it just popped into my head.

I could have said a NRGI schizophrenic, but since I have worked with them I have realized they are people too. :p

Just like her boyfriend could question things in her faith, and of course she does not know all of the anwers, and that is why you know who to call and find out more of the answers.

Most members of a church group does not understand all of their church rules or their churches beleifs, and I am sure that there are people in every denomination that may question a few beleifs. That does not mean they can't be members. And to be honest it is sometimes good to question your faith some, it makes you research into it and it makes you understand your beliefs better.

And please be specific, now, just being bald is not a "skin head" (barber challenged)

Ok you might not believe it but I actually work in mental health. Maybe that makes some of you smile or cry> No I didn't do her homework but I did check the planner to make sure it was done. A zero isn't the same as this though. In my mind these decisions will change the rest of her life.

I have encourged her to study for herself but it as if she doesn't want to. SHe is content with not knowing what she believes.

these decisions will change the rest of her life.

And so as well would her homework if not done properly in school. If not done properly, she would NOT be in college, but she got there herself. By her own hand, of her own accord. Now you need to let her get to adulthood the same way.

You work in mental health. What is your profession? Are you a secretary? Nurse? Psychologist? Psychiatrist?

It has become quite apparent that maybe you need to work on you rather than working on your daughter.

Lacey, you have 4 kidlets right? So do I. Mine range in age from 20, 19, 13, and 5. The difficulties you are having right now with your 19 year old will be different than the ones you will experience with your youngest. Do you know why? Because you will have already gone through the "instruction book" by the time your youngest is 19. You are giving you smart, wonderful, beautiful daughter HE1L right now, and believe me dear, she will remember it when your youngest is going through the same thing, and she will resent you for it. You will lose your daughter if you continue on this path.

I am a case manager/social worker dealing with children and adolescents and work closely with several therapist. Maybe I take my lunch with one of them LOL

So, you see the children/adolescents that are mentally ill, not the ones that are well rounded, educated and emotionally healthy.

Lacey, maybe your job is taking a toll on you. You seem to be trying to control your girl the way you control your cases.

You need to let your beautiful, for now emotionally happy daughter, spread her wings and fly. Let her make her mistakes and come crying back to you when she does. Have an open heart and open arms when she does.

Don't criticise or punish, just love and admire the wonderful person you created. She has her own mind and her own thoughts. You cannot control that, and if you do, you risk more torment that you are already experiencing.

Lacey, take a vacation, a vacation with you and your husband. Talk things over. Maybe let him take over for a while. All we see is you, you you... Not good my dear girl.

I'll let you in on something personal. Well actually the world can see it now, but this is what you risk.

I was raised in a very religious family, my parents sent me to a private school where I was expected to attend church 5 days a week during school... classes on Saturday and church on Sunday. This went on my entire childhood. Ughh, prayers morning day and night. Praying over this decision or that decision...

Fast forward to age 19 (just like your daughter I was 19 once too). I found the man of my dreams... My parents did not like him... I was too young... I needed to further my education... He was not my RELIGION!!

While I love my parents, I have become to resent the restraints that they imposed upon me, our relationship is strained to this day.

My father lies in a hospital bed and will NEVER resume his activities of daily living, and I have not seen him since his hospitalization... but I still resent what they forced upon me, that they would not allow me to grow and be my own person.

Is this what you want from your daughter? Because you are going down the same road.

And did you marry him? How did it turn out? I see what y ou are saying but is so hard to watch them make mistakes and hurt. Heck I coundn't stand to see them get shots. You are right I will have to let go. She knows how I feel and I guess that is all I can do except keep praying. ( and maybe some medication to stop crying):)

Oh, dear Lacey...

Yes, I did marry him, and we had 2 beautiful boys, the oldest I mention, 19 and 20.

We did not stay married, we were only married for 7 years. But, now there is a big BUT here... I learned how to be an adult and make decisions on my own. They were very reluctant for us to marry, his parents too, and you know, that is why we did it. Because they were so controlling. We wanted to do what WE wanted, right or wrong.

Now, looking back, (he and I have discussed this as we are still friends), had our parents not been so adamant, and had they done things differently, we believe our lives would have turned out differently.

I have admitted to him, myself, and my family, that I married him because I wanted to get away from THEM. That I felt he was my only way OUT.

Sweetie, I know this is not what you want for your daughter. But you must let her make her choices, good or bad in your eyes. She has to learn. She has to be heartbroken to love unconditionally.

I did divorce my ex and am now married to my soul mate. This man has given me the world, and would give me the world again. But, sadly, I may never have met him if I did not go through the early crisis in my life with my ex. (Even longer story on how we met and why we are soulmates).

But I do not regret that decision to marry early (3 days before my 20th birthday), I see it as a stepping stone to where I am now.

If I could reach out and wipe your tears away, you know I would. If I could hug you and tell you that it will all be okay, you know I would.

Letting go of our first is the hardest thing any mother can do, but together we must do it. We will be stronger for it. So will our relationship with our children.

Now, my dear, cry... cry all you need. Pray, He will listen. Understand that He may not answer in the way that you expect, but He will answer.

As for medication, I can suggest some great ones that worked for me.;)

And just know that we are here for you. Why don't you go take a nice long bubble bath, some wine, some candles, some soft music, and cry a river. Let Him guide you to rest tonight.

My thoughts, prayers, and heart are with you.

Lacey, dear, I will be gone most of tomorrow as I have college graduations to attend, but rest assured, I will check in and help you every step of the way if you need it.

Now, also understand that sometimes you may not like what you hear, but in your career I am sure you understand that it is sometimes necessary. So, just bear with it.

I hope you had a good cry, a long bubble bath, and a nice glass of wine. Get some rest and take comfort in knowing that you are not alone.

Congratulations on graduation is it yours right? Thanks for the help

Thank you Lacey, but it is not my graduation yet. I graduate next year from college a year behind my 19 year old son. I will be attending the graduation ceremony of a friend who does not have any close family to attend with her.

First off, I would like to say that I am not a Mormon or a Catholic but I am a Christ Follower. Why are you so angry with another person? The problem is not your daughter or her boyfriend, it seems to be your anger.
My niece recently started dated a Mormon young man, who we very much admire. They are both 19 also. His parents demanded that he date a Mormon and if she wasn't then they would not accept her. So although she did not completely understand or agree, and she did ask us our opinions first. We showed her basically what the difference was between a Catholic, Baptist, Mormon, etc... She decided to join the Mormon church anyway. Which was fine with us after she had all of the information she was free to make that decision. We did not show her hate material on any religion, but we were not making her feel bad for her decisions anyway. Our love for her is unconditional. But on the other hand, the parents of the Mormon boy will not accept their son unless he is a Mormon and he is not allowed to question it. To me this is unacceptable. We need to let our adult children grow and learn to stand on their own 2 feet. What I am trying to say is that if in your mind your daughter is making a bad decision as hard as it may be can you not just let her make the decision bad or good on her own. If you shove your beliefs down her throat she may rebel even worse.

Lacey
J9 sounds like a very intelligent woman and has given you some great advice. I have a somewhat similar story in that My wife's father was dead set against us getting married... A fact which had more than a little bit to do with our getting married. Her mother told her that she was too young but since she was nineteen she could do what she wanted. I was twenty, and I realize now, too young also. All the old wags around town either said we were pregnant or it wouldn't last six months. Our first born came along almost a year and a half later. On our thirty-fifth anniversary we decided to do a renewal of vows to see if we could make it another "six months".

We too were of different faiths... She Roman Catholic... I Protestant. I converted to her faith but the Lord said different and insisted that I preach his Word. My wife could remain Roman Catholic if she wished but has chosen to follow me and support my ministry(she is an indispensable part of our church).

My wife eventually made up with her parents. Her dad (stubborn old German that he was) even forgave her for breaking his heart (he never forgave me... He finally did accept [as inevitable I guess] me). Forty-two years later the bride of my youth has become the love of my old age. What I'm trying to say is that with the twists and turns of life's highway time will heal any rift between you... But if you are wise, there won't be a rift to heal.

You have been given some very good advice by RubyPitbull and J9 and the others on here.

Lacey, I deal often with people who say "My last words to him/her were in anger." or were hurtful, or were ______ (you fill in the blank). Hug and kiss your loved ones as you part company... Tell them often how much you love them... Snap the rubber band on your wrist two, three or four... Or however many times you need to do so in order to remind yourself to think before inserting your foot in your mouth.

Oh, and if a rubber band isn't strong enough to get your attention. Try going to the local truck-stop and get some rubber rope. I guarantee from painful experience... When you get snapped with rubber rope it gets your attention.

Blessings,
John

Need help in knowing how to deal with this situation. My 19 yo daughter is in college and dating a boy of another religion. We have raised her in the Mormon faith and she has always been very active in her faith never has she doubted her testimony. her boyfriend asked her some difficult doctrinal questions and gave her anti mormon literature to read. She now is questioning all of her beliefs including the Bible. She is consumed by this boyfriend and hopes to marry him in the future. This is the only boy she has ever dated and even if he had been the same religion I would not feel that they are right for each other. i am concerned that she is willing to give up everything she has known and her support group in college for this boy. She has attended church 3 days per week while in school. I am angry with him and don't know how to feel towards her. She is coming home next week and I don't know how to handle this situation. I will be seeing them both all summer as she will live at home and he lives in our home town. i know she is an adult but I feel she is making decisions based on pleasing him and not for the right reasons. Please help!
I am christian but I am not mormon. I have seen a lot of people stray from God that are mormon but I don't know why they stop believing...

I agree with you J_9 for the most part although it is easier said than done when it comes to letting your children make horrible mistakes.

OK, an update for those who care. I will try to make it short. I talked with the boyfriend's mother and let her know my concerns about the relationship (sexual). SHe also was concerned since he had also made commitments to wait until marriage. AWe all got together for a very emotionl talk in which they said that they had already decided to cool things down and had realized that they were not ready for a sexual relationship. CUDOS for them!! Anyway the mother said that they still should not spend every minute together and give each other a chance to be themselves without the other. She also encouraged my daughter to look into different religions. I bit my tongue on that one. So anyway my daughter keeps emailing him and calling him. He seems to be distancing himself a little but my daughter doesn't see it. I suggested that since his mother had advised that they should be the same religion before marriage that he also look at Mormonism. My daughter said that she agreed because he sated that he wanted to know the truth and it would only benefit him to a least understand where she came form. We both agreed that since had been so willing to look at his beliefs and except his answers that he also would be willing to do so for her. Well,of course that isn't so. He said he din't see any need to look at Mormonism because he already knew what he believed. She is hurt but still doesn't see what I saw all along. He also said his mother isn't sure if she will allow it. How about that? She encouraged my daughter to leave her church but not allow her son to look at another. Anyway the prom is tonight and honestly I am hoping that he fizzles out after that. Like I said he seems to be pulling away and she had a problem with him not being willing to look at our (my) beliefs for her. Maybe she will see what I have seen all along,that she was into this relationship more that he was and he only wanted her to change but not himself. So we will see how this goes. We are getting along well. I just wish that she would work to find out what she believes. She seems content in not knowing anything and I don't want to push.

Controlling religious parents seem to a large part of the problem here.

Lacey, thank you for the update. I am glad to hear that things are going better for you all. Please keep us posted.

Its her decision what she does, just remember, god loves us all, and he is the right way, but in the end, it's a persons own decision what faith they are off.

I miss talking with you all. Things are about the same. She continues to call him, email, him and run whenever he wants to see her. He couldn't come to her friends wedding, go swimming with her, or come to dinner because he had others things to do. But she still insists that he loves her and tells her so. She still is content with not believing anything and he still had refused to listen to our beliefs until today when my husband an I suggested that if he really cared about her as much as he says, he would be willing to hear about what we believe if for no other reason than where she is coming from. ( I still contend that she has made all of the changes to accommodate him). Things that used to be important to her are not now because they aren't to him. For instance she never would go to restaurants or shopping on Sundays when friends would invite her because she said that she felt that the Sabbath day was to be spent in worship and with families. But last Sunday they went to the movies. When I asked why the change she said because his church says it is OK. They only say you shouldn't work on Sunday and that this commandment was not repeated so you don't have to observe it?? So today he says that he will listen to the missionaries explain our beliefs. He says that he will next week so we will see. We have heard it before. I am not trying to convert him or her for that matter. I just want her to see that he is still trying to change her while he is unwilling to meet her half way. Maybe all mothers feel that no one is good enough for their daughters but I want her to be with someone who truly loves her the way she is and be crazy about her. I want most of all for her to be happy. They say they are waiting until they both finish school to get married but meanwhile she sits at home waiting for him to call and misses out on life. She says she is OK with that. Is there anyway that I can make her see without forcing her to choose? I want to force a change in some ways but I do realize that she is an adult. We pay for her car insuance, cell phone and other expenses though so where do we draw the line in supporting her?

Are you saying that you will support her as long as she believes the way that you do? Is that what you mean?

The forth commandment says that we should remember the Sabbath and keep it holy. Originally the Sabbath day was on a Saturday, now it is recognized on Sunday. If she is planning on marrying this guy, is this guy not her family and she was spending time with him?
I am going through the same ordeal with my niece except the boy she is marrying is a mormon and she is not. We never push religion on him in any way. It is his mormon parents who push it on both of them. To be honest with you I am starting to believe that the mormon children purposely find someone who is not mormon so that they can find a way out. They rebel. My niece went to the mormon church and she even was babtized there. As she went she started to really disagree with some of the teachings of the religion. She says the mother of the boy who is mormon is very judgemental, and talks about everyone behind their back. My niece just doesn't want to have anything to do with people like that. And this is really posing a problem on this young couple, because the family cannot stay out of their business. I personally love her fiancé very much, I don't care if he is a mormon or not, unfortunately, his parents care if my niece is.

As far as you speaking with his mother, let me tell you something, she doesn't agree with your religion one bit, I can guarantee it. But it seems as if she loves her child no matter what. At what point in time does your religion allow you to let your child make mistakes, live her life? Is your love unconditional or is there strings attached? Will you accept her if she decides that she does not want to be a mormon or practice it? In your religion what are the consequences for her going to the movies on a Sunday? Does it make a difference in the big picture? Are you willing to go with your daughter to another church like his? If not what difference does it make?

Oh I know she doesn't agree with our religion and she has refused to let him hear about it. She has encourged my daughter to leave the Mormon church. I will love my my daughter no matter what she chooses. I just don't want her to settle with someone who isn't as in love with her as she is with him. Actually most Mormons marry other Mormons to avoid this conflict of different beliefs. No she did not spend the day with any family. She went to the movie which she previously felf was wrong.

Lacey,

Just let your daughter live her life. If you love her, respect her decisions. My hubby is LDS and he has 6 other siblings that are also married and LDS, two of them married a non mormon, and you know who had the conflict. THE MORMON FAMILY, MY IN LAWS, ESPECIALLY MY MOTHER IN LAW. She also pushed me to get baptized.

Let them do what they want to do. You can't push religion in your daughter if she decided she doesn't believe. It's just going to make her distant.

I'm sorry to say this but the biggest issue with you is that this boy is not Mormon. Admit it or not I know. I live in the Mormon state UTAH and I know how LDS people are.

If you love your daughter, let her make her own decisions, respect them and be there for her. Don't push her or her BF in something they don't want. If your daughter really believes in the church she will sooner or later talk to her BF about it and defend it. But there is nothing you should do.

If your daughter really believes in the church she will sooner or later talk to her BF about it and defend it. But there is nothing you should do.

Lotz, I think this part of your advice really sums it up well. Lacey, your daughter is the one that should be defending and teaching her BF about her religion. You cannot force this any further. I know you are frustrated and feel that he is being unreasonable and that your daughter is hanging on his every word and following him like a puppy dog, but that is YOUR view. NOT your daughter's view. You have to stop for a moment and put yourself in your daughter's shoes. Remember what it was like when you were her age? Didn't you think you knew everything? I know I did, and most older teens do. If you keep this up, you will push her further away and I wouldn't be one bit surprised if she marries him sooner, rather than later. She needs to live her life, make her own decisions and yes, make her own mistakes. If you back off, in time, this whole relationship may end on it's own. J_9 is away for a while, but I think you need to go back a couple of pages here and reread what she wrote to you. Look at her info about her own life, her parents, her marriage at 19, her divorce. Your daughter will have the same outcome in her life if you insist on continuing in this vein.

Lacey
I'm going to add my voice to Ruby's. She's talking sense. All you're doing is tying yourself up in knots and pushing her too hard. Did you or did you not teach your daughter right from wrong? If you did then let her make her decision and run with it. She is going to anyway so don't push and she will come around given time.
Blessings,
John

I wanted to give an update for those who helped me get through the summer. My daughter goes back to school this Friday and yes we did survive. Things have been strained to say the least but no one died! She is still dating the same boyfriend and although she went to church with us she has informed us that she isn't planning to go when she returns to school. It seems that she no longer believes in anything. She said that she no longer believes in the Bible or God. I asked how her want to be preacher boyfriend felt about that she said that he doesn't know about this. I miss her. I miss the person she was. She was so upbeat, hopeful and saw God in everything. Now she is pessimistic and can't see the miracles. I am able to control the crying somewhat. At least I only cry alone. I miss being able to share my feelings with her about a good church service or a spiritual moment because she doesn't get it. I tried many times over the summer to try to do things together but she always with her boyfriend if not working. Even when she is home I have asked her if she wanted to meet for lunch and every time she said "no". I don't know what else to do to. I want to show her that she can do things on her own and recognize her independence. She had no curfew only request that was she let us know where she was going and what time to expect her so we wouldn't worry. She didnt't even do that. We went for several days without seeing her until I had her cell phone cut off. (She did find me then) We are taking her back Friday and I am concerned about Sunday. We (her familY) are going to the church that she had attended and I don't know if she will go or not. I don't know how I will handle it if she doesn't and when we introduce ourselves and someone asks us where she is. So a pep talk would be great from you previous supporters or new ones as well.

Wow Lacey, you have really been struggling with a lot of issues here. I am not sure I can tell you anything more valuable than you have already heard from other people here. Being 19 is such a turbulent time, I know it was for me. There are so many things happening for your daughter and she is trying to establish some serious distance and independence for herself. She wants to create her life in her own image and with her own choices, that is difficult when she was raised a certain way. I am sure her boyfriend opened her eyes to so many things and it is not unusual for people to begin to question their religion, their beliefs and what exactly God is. It is sad that she has become so pessimistic and strayed so far away from the values and the teachings you have instilled in her, but it may not be as bad as you think. Sometimes people have to find out for themselves, out if intelligence and curiousity, what they really believe in. I feel that your daughter is both. She knows what she was raised to think and now, she questions it. That means she is truly growing up. To never question anything, is also a sign of ignorance. I don't think she means to betray you, your lifestyle, or your religion, this is about finding herself.
To me, I think the most important thing you can do, is be patient. It seems you have been and you have tried to give her freedom and trust. I know at that age my parents were the last thing on my mind. I was always with my friends or my boyfriend. I didn't think or care about how that made my parents feel. IT is part of the age. She knows she is an "Adult" now, but in some ways , you recognize she is still just a child. I think there must be a lot of confusion in her mind about what is true and what is real. This is where her pessimism and questions about God come in. I think I would try to approach it with a gentle reminder whenever you can, about seeing God in everything, without talking about religion. I am not saying that your beliefs and values don't matter, it just doesn't matter to her right now. If you push it on her, you will ultimately push her farther away. She doesn't have to relate to God in a religious way right now if she is confused. I too strayed away from God at that age. There are so many distractions. Friends, boyfriends, things to buy, places to go, and they all seem more important. Focus on the little things. Tell her to continue to find things to be thankful for, to find joy in and to be loving and kind. Tell her these are all ways of honoring God and keeping a relationship going, while she is still unsure of what she believes in. She is a smart girl and she knows that she doesn't believe in the specifics of every detail of her religion. To her, it doesn't make perfect sense. That is o.k. Part of growing up means figuring out what you believe and value for yourself, separate from that of what your parents raised you to think. Most of us stray away for awhile, but we usually come back to our roots. There is no guarantee what she will do, and if it wasn't this boyfriend, than another one would open her eyes.
All in all, it sounds like you raised your daughter well. You gave her what she needed to go out in the world and to be a grown up. She is questioning things because she is bright, inquisitive and thoughtful. I think these are gifts. I do think she will mend her relationship with God, but it will be on her terms. I think the best thing you can do is to continue to set guidelines for her to follow, love her and respect her need for self discovery.
Remember how you felt as a young girl, maybe you didn't have as many choices or distractions as she does, but you remember what that freedom and independence feels like.
Focus on her personal relationship with God. Explain that to be a spiritual connection with something greater than what we can understand in this existence. The miracle of life, of the beauty in nature, the ability to give and receive love. These are gifts from God. Have her focus on the small things that she can see make sense. Have her continue to talk to God, personally. Tell her even if she doesn't come to church, that her relationship with God is always there. Ask her to talk to God about her problems , tell her to ask God for guidance and to teach her how to be the best person she can be. This is what God wants.
I know her relationship with the Church and the Mormon faith is very important to you, but it won't be to her just because you want it to. So, focus on her and her belief in a God of infinite love and wisdom who loves her whether she is steadfast in her religion, or whether she is a little lost and gone astray.
Remember you are a good mother, you have done a great job raising her and you have done the best you can. Believe that because your love for her is very obvious. YOu just want her to have the faith and understanding that you do, just realize that comes with time and maturity.
May God's love and faith surround you and your family, know that you are all loved. Teach her to live in truth, love and awareness and leave the rest to God...

Lacey, I'm a little late to this party but as enough have already said, she's a big girl now and has to find her own way. As heartbreaking as that can be (and believe me I know), you just have to step back for the most part or the wedge will only grow deeper. Encourage her when you can, but mostly just love her, pray for her and accept her no matter what.

I have a question, though, what college is she attending?

Steve

Thanks for the support. I am trying to be patient. Why does motherhood have to be so hard? Speechless Tx, Why do you ask what college?

It is the hardest, most challenging, most scary thing I have ever done, but the most rewarding. You will get through this and she will find God again. I am praying for all of you. I am here anytime you need to vent!

Lacey

Perhaps it's a little late to come in on the debate, however you should have confidence in your daughter and let her make her own decisions. It's tough your daughter has discovered that there are other views on Christianity, but realisticly if these two are to have a life together it must be comfortable for them, and if not, well your daughter must work out her own salvation. It cannot be imposed by you, and that religious spirit that is rising up in you must be put to death. Where is Christ in your attitude?

Need help in knowing how to deal with this situation. My 19 yo daughter is in college and dating a boy of another religion. We have raised her in the Mormon faith and she has always been very active in her faith never has she doubted her testimony. her boyfriend asked her some difficult doctrinal questions and gave her anti mormon literature to read. She now is questioning all of her beliefs including the Bible. She is consumed by this boyfriend and hopes to marry him in the future. This is the only boy she has ever dated and even if he had been the same religion I would not feel that they are right for each other. i am concerned that she is willing to give up everything she has known and her support group in college for this boy. She has attended church 3 days per week while in school. I am angry with him and don't know how to feel towards her. She is coming home next week and I don't know how to handle this situation. I will be seeing them both all summer as she will live at home and he lives in our home town. i know she is an adult but I feel she is making decisions based on pleasing him and not for the right reasons. Please help!
Well I know its tough but in all fairness she is an adult and old enough to make her own choice regardless of how you view them . The best thing you can do is be her parent , love her unconditionally and let her make her own choices but be there for her if she needs you. If you do the opposite you will only push her away and closer to him. Whatever you do , do not put her boyfriend down, keep your thoughts and remarks to yourself regarding how angry he makes you. That too will only push her away. Remember she will always be your little girl no matter how old she is, just DON'T PUSH HER AWAY> open your arms with love to both him and her! If she feels that you trust her decisions and are proud of her regardless of her choices your relationship as parent and daughter will probably only grown closer! Good luck.

Thanks for the support. I am trying to be patient. Why does motherhood have to be so hard? Speechless Tx, Why do you ask what college?

The only reason I asked is many if not most colleges these days are ultra-liberal and secular to the point of being hostile toward religion, Christianity in particular. Not a good atmosphere for impressionable young Christian students. I hope your daughter isn't attending one of these schools, and I hope more parents will get involved and get informed when it comes to choosing a college.

The only reason I asked is many if not most colleges these days are ultra-liberal and secular to the point of being hostile toward religion, Christianity in particular. Not a good atmosphere for impressionable young Christian students. I hope your daughter isn't attending one of these schools, and I hope more parents will get involved and get informed when it comes to choosing a college.You kind of like the same treatment an atheist would get at a catholic school?

You kind of like the same treatment an atheist would get at a catholic school?

No, I'm speaking factually of schools that are not only hostile to religion, but hostile to freedom of speech, freedom of assembly and the freedom to think differently than the liberal establishment of the school (http://www.thefire.org/).

Oh my, you truly have a serious hate on for anything deemed 'liberal'. Truth has a liberal bias you know. :)
You best stay with your private christian schools for fear that a young person be exposed to anything that does fallwithin your strict guideline. :rolleyes:

I don't know that her school is any more liberal than any others. She may have been influenced there but I don't think the school was the source of her change. Maybe as some have said she is just growing up. My problem seems to be how to show her I love her and trust her decisions. It is so hard to watch what I think are decisions she that she will come to regret. I am getting to the point where I do realize she has been smart in her previous decisions and hope she will continue. Then I worry that when she made those decisions she asked for God's guidance and she was blessed and protected because she followed his will. My fear is that if she isn't seeking his will she will make mistakes. I know... SHe will make mistakes and that is part of growing up too. It just hurts that you can't prevent the hurt for her. It still is hard to be around her because I can only feel pain. I hope that in time and with her being away it will help. I want to be a good parent. That is what I have devoted my life to being.

She is 19 years old! You should give her some space and let her know that she can choose what path she takes: with or without her boyfriend. Sometimes people just have to let there beloved one's go. That's what I had to do to and may daughter always choose the right path. But you should always be supportive for her.

Oh my, you truly have a serious hate on for anything deemed 'liberal'. Truth has a liberal bias you know. :)
You best stay with your private christian schools for fear that a young person be exposed to anything that does fallwithin your strict guideline. :rolleyes:

NK, If you want to mock and discredit me at least come up with something better than asinine assumptions such as these. You should know by know I don't make such claims if I can't back it up with the facts. :cool:

I don't have a "hate on for anything deemed 'liberal'." I guess you could say I have a "hate on" for hypocrites, that tell us to have an open mind while acting as thought police (http://www.thefire.org/index.php/article/8226.html?PHPSESSID=ff81e6d23e85f5e868aec895ce766b 93), promote tolerance while being entirely intolerant (http://www.thefire.org/index.php/article/8301.html), champion free speech while practicing censorship (http://www.thefire.org/index.php/article/8198.html?PHPSESSID=ff81e6d23e85f5e868aec895ce766b 93), and just basically demand rights they deny others (http://www.thefire.org/index.php/article/8230.html?PHPSESSID=ff81e6d23e85f5e868aec895ce766b 93).

Of course I would have thought that you might have an interest in protecting those rights and realized that even people and groups that seem entirely incompatible can work together to protect those rights. (http://www.thefire.org/index.php/article/7782.html) But then again, since many if not most of our colleges and universities have something like a 16:1 liberal/conservative ratio in faculty I can see why you wouldn't want to rock the boat and allow for students to not only be exposed to more than one side of an issue in class, but to actually express their views without fear of retribution and/or ridicule.

I don't know that her school is any more liberal than any others. She may have been influenced there but I don't think the school was the source of her change.

Of course, I just believe a lot of parents would be shocked if they knew what was going on the schools they've just paid lots of good money to for their kids to get an 'education.'


Maybe as some have said she is just growing up. My problem seems to be how to show her I love her and trust her decisions. It is so hard to watch what I think are decisions she that she will come to regret. I am getting to the point where I do realize she has been smart in her previous decisions and hope she will continue. Then I worry that when she made those decisions she asked for God's guidance and she was blessed and protected because she followed his will. My fear is that if she isn't seeking his will she will make mistakes. I know... SHe will make mistakes and that is part of growing up too. It just hurts that you can't prevent the hurt for her. It still is hard to be around her because I can only feel pain. I hope that in time and with her being away it will help. I want to be a good parent. That is what I have devoted my life to being.

I know it's tough, but hang in there and remember the verse in Proverbs, "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it." They don't forget how they were raised, so just pray for her, love her unconditionally, and be that place where she can always come in for a soft landing.

NK, If you want to mock and discredit me at least come up with something better than asinine assumptions such as these. You should know by know I don't make such claims if I can't back it up with the facts. Oh OK, I'll refer people to the Politics section of this board where you're raison d'être seem to demolish all things democrat.

Also you cite a few problems in a country of thousands of institutions that operate without incident. I'd say the colleges as a whole are doing very well.

I know it's tough, but hang in there and remember the verse in Proverbs, "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it." They don't forget how they were raised, so just pray for her, love her unconditionally, and be that place where she can always come in for a soft landing.[/QUOTE]


Couldn't have said it better, great verse from Proverbs... keep praying and she will get it one day. Remember teenagers don't like to listen to their parents wisdom they want to be free to make very independent decisions...


NeedKarma: You really just like to argue don't you! You are ultra defensive about anything that remotely questions your beliefs. Give it a rest for a second.

mountain_man,

I love you dude but you haven't seen how often Speech attacks all things lib or dem. Someone has to keep him in check. :)

mountain_man,

I love you dude but you haven't seen how often Speech attacks all things lib or dem. Someone has to keep him in check. :)


Thanks man... Speech is from TX, it kind of comes with the territory:D

Oh ok, I'll refer people to the Politics section of this board where you're raison d'être seem to demolish all things democrat.

Also you cite a few problems in a country of thousands of institutions that operate without incident. I'd say the colleges as a whole are doing very well.

LOL, you still can't seem to figure out that I back it up. Here, just pick a point on the map (http://www.thefire.org/index.php/article/5826.html) and pick a school, any school. It's way beyond "a few problems." Oh, and you're all welcome to visit the politics board where you'll see my raison d'être is establishing the truth in the midst of all the lies, spin and deception... and a little fun.

mountain_man,

I love you dude but you haven't seen how often Speech attacks all things lib or dem. Someone has to keep him in check. :)

One of these days you'll get it - maybe. Some of my best friends are die hard libs, that doesn't matter to me. What matters is the truth, even when it's inconvenient (take a hint Al Gore).

One of these days you'll get it - maybe. Some of my best friends are die hard libs, that doesn't matter to me. What matters is the truth, even when it's inconvenient (take a hint Al Gore).Since you're a Bush apologist I have to snicker when I read your post.

Since you're a Bush apologist I have to snicker when I read your post.

It's a good thing I got that maybe in there. Does being a conservative automatically mean I'm a Bush apologist? Again, I'm more interested in the truth. Not a one of us alleged "Bush apologists" has ever shown blind loyalty to the man or the party, so snicker all you want, I'll never fit your mold.

Thanks again for the support between your disagreement.LOL It is funny that we can all come from different places and yet care to help people we have never met and often have little in common with. Thanks for your comments. I am working on not being so sensitive ( not doing very well). TOday I tried to reach out again. I called her to ask if she needed some kitchen items because I was in a store with great prices. I told her about them and she said " someone probably has them you don't need to buy them" I happen to know that they don't have them because while I was waiting for her to call me back I called her roommate and she said they could use the items. What is this?? I have been trying all summer to reach out. It is as if she want to push me away.

Lacey, I wish I could give you a big hug right now. I know you are really struggling here. You have done the best that you can to raise her well and it is so difficult to let go and watch her fall and make mistakes. My daughter is going to middle school and I am teary eyed over the fact that she just turned 11. I don't know if I will be as strong as you have when she goes off to college. You are trying to reach out to her and you have to realize, she may pull away right now. It really is not about you, it is about defining herself separate from you. That is not an easy thing for a parent, but it is necessary for her to realize who she is. You will be proud of who she is and what she decides to do, because you know that you instilled good values and gave her a good foundation. I am praying for you to feel God's love and strength within you. Know that you are a good mother, and continue to love her and gently give her the space she needs. When she needs her mom, she will be calling. There will be a crisis or conflict that only a mother will know how to comfort. In the mean time, you will have to be patient. That won't be easy. Just remember how well she has done so far. She may exceed your expectations. Believing in her, will allow her to soar. I think you have been doing the best you can as well. YOur tears are not only for letting her go, but knowing that she will face her own struggles that you cannot prevent, along the way. You love her with all your heart, there is nothing more you could do or give her. Try to do something for yourself and focus on a goal that you have put aside for awhile. She will come back around. You are her safe haven and you always will be.

Thanks, Shatteredsoul your words made me cry ( again) but happy tears. I know she will do great things. She is strong willed and can accomplish anything she works to. She did make a couple of nice gestures. When she came home from work she asked about the kitchen items I bought and liked them. She said they probably could use them after all. And then just a few minutes ago she came by my office to show me her new haircut. Maybe she is trying too and doesn't know how to be grown up and yet allow me to mother her. Maybe this weekend will go OK. I will keep my expectations low so I am not disappointed. I do need to do something for myself but I have forgotten how. With four children I have immersed myself in doing things with them, sports music etc and don't really have any hobbies. Maybe time to learn one. Thanks for the vote of confidence.

You are truly a special person and a wonderful mom. I wish that my mom immersed herself in my life when I was young, like you have devoted to your children. Yes, it is easy to get lost in their lives, but you do have to reclaim your own. They will respect you for it and be proud of you for taking on a new chapter in your life. This is a beginning of great things for you, maybe this was supposed to happen, for you to discover those things that you forgot about a long time ago. A lost passion, a hidden talent, a love of yourself. So take the time to care for you, it will give you the strength to deal with the tenacious times and you are doing well. YOu are loving her and letting her go. LEarn a new hobby, painting, drawing, ceramics, pottery, a dance class, a musical instrument, write poetry. Continue to discover who you are, that is part of what you pass on as well. Remember I am rooting for you all the way!! Your welcome, it is well deserved.

AN update of the weekend. It was great! I was ever so careful to not diminish her adulthood in anyway. She wanted us to stay and help unpack and we had a great time. I cautiously asked what her plans were for Sunday as we left Saturday ( since she had previously said that she wouldn't be going to church when she returned to school) and she said "well i will see you at church and then you can take me out to lunch". She rod with her friends to church and then we all went to lunch together. She was excited to see all of her church friends and seemed to jumped right back into church so maybe she will keep going. If not she was at least considerate of my feelings and went Sunday for her family. I think things will be less strained with her gone. SHe can be her own person without my on looking. I can be less intrusive from a distance and will only know what she wants me to know which may be a good thing. We even talked about this summer and that maybe she might want to stay in her college town since her apartment is hers for a year. I guess that will most likely depend on what the boyfriend situation is by then. So thanks for the prayers and thoughts. I am in a happier place now.