How do I deal with my rude in brother-in-law?

I have been happily married for 5 years, and over the past few years, my husband and his brother have remained very close, hanging out two and three times a week. I have put up with quite a lot over the past few years during these "guy nights" as he calls them, but I've kept quite about it all.

But my husband and I recently discovered we are expecting our first child, and as a result my developing issues regarding their relationship have become serious and I felt like I could no longer keep quite.

Here are my grievances:

My BIL has no respect for my husband or our home. After every "guy night" my husband and I spend the better part of 2 hours restoring the house. His brother often stays over in one of the guest rooms, leaving his laundry on the floor for me to do, and leaving the room unkempt. On a particularly rowdy night, his brother broke our couch and left a hole in the wall. He said sorry, but never offered to help patch the wall or replace the couch. He often wears his shoes in the house and his disregard for our coffee tables and coasters has left stains on the carpet and furniture. My husband has asked that he take his shoes off, and be careful with drinks, with no reply but a quick "I'm sorry" and no change in behavior.

That leads into his disrespect for my husband. No matter how many times my husband asks that he take care of our things, it seems he doesn't hear it. And, in my opinion, my BIL seems to have a disdain for my husband. My husband chalks this up to his immaturity (as my BIL is 3 years younger) instead of labeling it disdain, but I find that a very weak excuse. My BIL is in his mid 20's with a wife and child of his own. He should know better.

My BIL often will comment, in front of other friends and relatives, that my husbands job isn't credible as a career. He acts incredibly superior to my husband when we are in large groups of friends and will go out of his way to denigrate my husband and his opinions. The crazy thing is, my BIL is living with his wife's parents, with a lower paying job, his in-laws paying his bills and no adult responsibilities, while my husband I have owned our home since we were 21 with no financial help from anyone, living very comfortably in 5 bedroom home in a very nice neighborhood, my husband makes twice as much as his brother, and still my BIL will condescendingly give my husband financial advice and tell him what changes he needs to make in his life and career.

And, to ice the cake, my BIL has self-righteously inferred several times, how he and his wife are better people, due to the position he holds in his church and the many functions he attends.

While my dear husband puts up with these insults, I cannot stand the thought of my future children seeing their father treated like this. And my BIL's rude comments and endless denigration have led to an inferiority complex in my husband. My once independent husband has begun to crave the approval of our friends and family, especially his brother, going to lengths to please them or say what they want to hear.

I brought the issue to my husbands attention a few weeks ago, after a particular bad incident at a family dinner. I suggest that my BIL not be allowed over to our home anymore, unless it was for a family event. I asked that he restrict the time they spent together to once every two weeks. And any "guys night" be on the town instead of in our home. My husband agreed at the time.

But three weeks later, they are meeting up again every few days . I reminded my husband of the agreement we had come to, and he became enraged. He told me was trying to drive a wedge between him and his best friend and told me I have no business judging his brother, since I've only know him 7 years. He told me that I wasn't being fair to his brother, given that his is still at an "immature age" and if I would just give his brother some time to grow up, things will work themselves out.

I only have 4 months until the baby is here and I am done waiting for his brother to grow up. I don't know what to do, please help!

Holy crappies – you don’t need that kind of stress every single week, especially when you are pregnant. You married your husband, not your husband’s family. Unfortunately they come along in the marriage. Thankfully my father in law lives 6 hours away.

What is your relationship with your BIL’s wife? Is it something you could tell her to see if she could work on the BIL? Also you don’t want that going on with the baby in the house so you are going to tell your husband and he’s going to have to abide. It doesn’t matter that he blows up – that’s just adding drama and I would call it that.

BIL has an inferiority complex, the kind that he shows as superiority. But that's mostly irrelevant.

First thing I would do is explain that you are not trying to drive a wedge between them, especially as you suggested meeting elsewhere. Write it maybe, a letter.
Second I would explain that it's time to put the baby first - attention, quiet, your fatigue, diaper change help, going to the store for you (a biggie!) and so on.
Third I would explain that you want him to have good times with his brother, and have a good place for them to meet (casual restaurant, bowling alley, etc). Another option could be a man cave out of one of those 5 bedrooms. Now that I remembered that, HEY, isn't that the best idea???

Your husband doesn't have a mancave?? The garage will do until he gets one.

Explain to husband, that he needs to go to the BIL every other week.

Period, When he is there, you do not do the laundry, explain to him once, he picks it up and does it, or it goes in the trash, (seriously) after once or twice he will understand.

You don't do any of the cleaning, after BIL is there, tell your husband, it is his job, since he can not control his brother.