We have been married for 10 years with 3 kids, and 2 dogs. All was good.
In January 2015, my husband could not get a job in town, so he took a contract job in a different state, 800 miles away.
He ended up stayed there for full 10 month, and came back home on the until October 31, since his contract was done.

Today is December 6th, I got a call and text from a woman in the evening.
She asked me if I am my husband's wife. I said yes, and she told me my husband cheated on me with her. In a second, my whole world collapsed. I am still shaking while I am writing this.

She says, my husband posted his profile in eharmony.com, met a single woman and introduced him as a rich single man in late August.
It turns out that they had an affair for over 2 month (September, October) until the day he came back to family. While my husband dated her, he took her very expensive dinners and shows.
They had sex multiple times, she stayed over at my husband's place, celebrated my husband's birthday. She even picked him up at the airport when he flew from home. It makes perfect sense, since my husband did not come home at all in 9-10, excused he was very busy at work.

It was a full blown version of relationship!

My husband told her he has an agent took care of his sons, house and dogs in his hometown (it means me). My husband pretended a rich man and told her he would buy an expensive house for her in her area, and started to see the houses there too.

Although, when he came back home, he did not break up with her clearly, told her he might come back, but he stopped to call her since. That's why she was anxious, googled his name and my name, and called me today.

I confronted my husband. He lied hard first, and then collapsed, and said all is right. He was lonely, made mistakes, but would ask my forgiveness, he likes to save marriage, and he loves me. He suggested to go for a counseling.

What a day! My whole world became upside down today.

For the past 10 years, I have worked so hard with my full time job to pay bills, take care of kids. I was the bread maker in our family, and I never dreamed he would cheat on me.

In a shock, I already called my parents. They will come out in a week to sit down with us. My parents lend us so much money when we bought our big house... I thought we would be together until we die, but now I am thinking about divorce.

I am so scared and broken. Please help.

I am sorry you are going through the aftermath of your husband's infidelity.

Sad as well, that the woman he fooled into thinking he was single, was also duped.

Worst of all, your children have also been betrayed, and they too will suffer the consequences of his affair.

And now your parent are dragged into this. Obviously they invested themselves, and their money, into helping you and your husband.

Quite a few victims are adding up aren't they?

And he was on a dating site, looking for another woman.

He has turned everybody's life upside down, and now he is forced to confess, and then wants counseling?

My guess is he will have all kinds of excuses, and reasons, to blame you as contributing to his need to have an affair. He will claim that he was lonely, stressed out, and overwhelmed with his job. All the usual sad reasons for having an affair.

Had he been a faithful husband, and a good person, he would have realized before he signed on to a dating site, that he was getting himself into trouble, that would have dire consequences. Had he gotten away with it, you can be sure that had nobody known about it, he would have done it again.

His suggestion for counseling is a joke.

I cannot tell you what to do, or what to decide. While I'm happy that you will have your parents to help you through this, it is only you that can make the decision to have him leave, or for you to leave yourself. I would suggest at the very least, some time apart.

Should you eventually decide to separate, and then divorce, please be careful of any and all assets you have. Seek a legal separation to stop him from having access to everything, so that all YOUR hard work in taking care of yourself, your children, and your home financially, is not drained by him.

If he is capable of doing what he's doing, and realizes the marriage is over, he will take what he can, which could leave you and the children in a much worse place financially. Seek legal help and find out what your options are.

I wish you well.

It will take years to overcome the emotional trauma you have been put through by your husband, and glad you have your families support. I don't think it's unreasonable to EMPOWER yourself by taking FULL control of the family finances, keeping him on a well deserved short leash, and make no bones about what you expect of him going forward. If he is sincerely willing to save the marriage he will do what it takes to accomplish this and make amends fully and be responsible for whatever you decide at the end of YOUR timetable for an honest evaluation of his actions and behavior.

It's important to note I think, its about what you want and need and NOT him, o take NO blame or responsibility for HIS acts of betrayal and deception since FACT is he had other options than the ones he took to feel better with himself and his life. Counseling is what he NEEDS to see that, and change for the better (A good idea for you both individually, and LATER as a couple), while you take the time to get your own hurt feelings under control in your own time and way.

This has to be about healing and coping and not impulsive revenge or acting in anger as no doubt you have to feel like kicking his arse right now but there are better more product positive ways of venting those feelings with the help of a counsellor to guide you (BOTH). Only then I feel, at the end of a THOUGHTFUL process can you even begin to determine IF, and HOW, this marriage can be saved and trust restored to grow together, and move forward.

***Just have to add**** My wife of 40 years informed me that if she were you, and I had been caught in such BS, she would be deciding the fate of this marriage without any considerations for me and my needs at all. Sleeping on the couch and eating burnt toast would not be enough to assuage her fury.

But I already knew that and have for many DECADES! Your husband's INSANE behavior need to be balanced by your own plan of Good Orderly Direction.

Jack/tal.
Thanks for the thoughtful advice, and it really gives me courage and some logical thoughts in my mind in this trauma...

I have chest pain, since I could not sleep at all since yesterday, and my heart is keep beating too fast. I am outrageous, and kicked him around, scratched his face, and interrogated him hours and hours to get all the details.
He said he would do anything to make me heal. I said I cannot trust how sincere he was, so I asked him to drink toilet water if he is serious because it is the same level of his all dirty lies and cheating.
In front of me, he suck up his pride, and drank the toilet water to prove his seriousness. It still did not make me satisfied.

I cannot get rid of the graphical images of my husband over the woman having sex, and it makes me crazy and painful. I think I will explode, and just crying,,

Are you open to a visit to your family doctor to explain your emotional trauma and getting medical support? I highly think you could benefit under his supervision at least in the short term, until your family can be of direct help.

Talking this option over with your mom, would be a good idea, or a trusted female friend if available.

I wont excuse his infidelity one bit. He can't even say he 'met her at work and it just happened;' he sought a woman on a dating site.
If he was so lonely, there's phones and skype and all live over the internet, kids and dogs as well.

I WILL explain something that many studies have born out: men care about their breadwinner status more than sex and money. Their manliness, their reason for existence. They want to bring home the saber toothed tiger. (Now the bacon.) Even when they have a job, if they make less than their women, many of them can't handle it, unless they really like what they are doing, such as writing a novel.

If you want to try to save the marriage, it's time to banish him to his own quarters. You got a lot of anger out with the toilet water and all. There needs to be a cut off of retribution and demands for details and general ranting. He's either out the door and you divorce, or you get to work on a plan to reconcile. If your reconciliation isn't done in a 'professional' manner, then it will break up anyway, after wasting a lot of time, energy, and grief. You can vent with family and friends.

No reason to get into ways to work on a reconciliation unless you say so.

"I cannot get rid of the graphical images of my husband over the woman having sex, and it makes me crazy and painful. I think I will explode, and just crying,,"

Most of us would be struggling deeply with that one. I know I would not be able to get over that in my mind. You need some time before you make any decisions as big as that. Having your parents there will be helpful I am sure. How do you ever trust him again when he goes out of town or even to the grocery shop? You obviously understand that regardless of what you choose, you have a difficult path ahead.

Thanks, all. You guys are so kind and wise for me, a total stranger.
Today is Monday, I woke up and cried again hysterically while taking a shower to prepare myself to go to work.
My life and family was so normal until the Saturday evening, and it was totally destroyed over the weekend.
I cried for the loving but now it is "totally dead" husband. The man in the couch is not the husband I used to have, but a disgusting animal. I cannot even breath near him now.
I cried uncontrollably while I was driving to work too.
Seriously,
Trust is gone, moral is gone, wedding vow is broken, and my loving husband was gone. What is left in the marriage now? I am crying helplessly.
My parents are coming on the 17th.
I forgot to tell you, but my husband's temp apt was 2 miles away from my parents house. I trusted him enough to send there, and thought the apt arrangement was safe. I really did not imagine he was a moran
But he just cheated in front of my parents' house like a rat.
As my parents suggested, I will see a doctor and get anti anxiety pills, because I cannot manage myself right now. I cannot eat or sleep... although I acted like normal at work. It is a relief to be with normal people.

By the way, my husband never complained about my bread winning situation. He has enjoyed it indeed, since he could spend his making for his hobby comfortably and could have a saving account.

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. The pain is truly gut wrenching. Marriages do sometimes survive, and believe or not, can become even stronger, but it takes quite a long time, and both people have to want to put in the work. He will need to understand that it will be up to him to do all that he can to help you rebuild trust, and that may mean answering questions at some point, putting up with occasional remarks as you will possibly feel the need to "get back" and test him. If you decide to try and rebuild, marriage counseling can help. Know that you may need to see more than one counselor before you find someone whom you feel will be helpful. If you have a clergy person to ask for recommendations, your doctor, a close friend or family member, that may help you make a selection.

The doctor visit is an excellent suggestion as you will may find it difficult to function much beyond what is necessary for taking care of your children and doing your job. Even with medication, it will take time to feel as though things are not so raw... allow yourself to have that time. It truly is a grieving process.

If you decide, at some point, that the relationship isn't what you want any longer, then be sure to seek legal guidance prior to sharing any decisions.

Regardless of what you decide to do, the journey through it is often long, (I wish there was a way to move through it all quickly), but, I promise you that you will be stronger and wiser once you get there.

So many men have affairs and then tell their wives "it was a mistake, an accident, it just happened, and it will never happen again". Not sure if he's gone there yet, but if he does, think about this. He purposely went looking to have an affair. This wasn't a mistake. He signed up to a dating site to meet another woman, so he could have an affair. He put a lot of thought and effort into this, and apparently didn't once give any thought to you, his wife, and the kids you have together.

Could counseling help? Only if he owns up to what he did, and frankly, the fact that he didn't admit what he did until you pushed, makes me think that counseling will be a waste of time. You can't fix what you don't acknowledge, and it doesn't sound like he's ready to acknowledge that he's a cheater.

Good luck to you, and I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Yelling and scream match continued in the evening again... I started because I could not stand his dirty face.

Alty is right. That's why this affair is much more serious and bad. It was not mistake, it was well intended, planned and executed affair, and he put a lot of effort, money, time, and plots in the affair. He had the perfect double life for 3 month. He called morning and night from there, and managed the affair! He used the woman, and dumped her before he left too. The affair was well executed! Bravo!

Unfortunately, he trashed and flushed out me, our history, and our marriage all together completely.

Right now, he is caught, being tortured, humiliated, interrogated, and kicked around every moment like a bag of trash. Pride? Gone. Manliness? Gone. virtue? Gone. Integrity? Gone and gone. I do not see any winners here. Everybody is in pain including him. We are all dead in a sense. Was that affair really worth for 6 people's life?

Alty is right again. He is begging me to give him a second chance. He insists he wants to build the marriage again. He even dare to say that he is here because he wants to be only with me and continue the marriage with me. If he really thinks marriage was that precious, why did he do it? It is another lip service from him.

Now, I am totally confused what is truth and what is not in his word. I do not know him any more. I told him "I do not know you any more", and his face was darkened, and he was very humiliated.

I start to think that I can handle it now. I will not run away, and face the bottom of the truth and make a decision for myself. I know it is a crazy idea, but I will try to set up a 3 way FACE TIME CALL to clarify the different statement between my husband and the woman. The woman seems still have hope to get her man back. Very odd... The issue is though, I need to convince her to be on the call. I hope she agrees for all of us. Once I see the entire UGLY truth, I will make my decision.

Bottom line is, I know I can sincerely take care of myself, my kids, and even my dogs very well by myself without him. This purpose will make me a strong and responsible person. It is good to have a purpose.

By the way,
I am planning to see a counselor for myself this week. I need to get an exam if my brain is still in the right place.
I am also seeing a lawyer Wednesday evening as my mother suggested. My mother wants me to see an option.
how is my life changed in a couple of days... it is a hell. I am crying again against my will.

My grief in my marriage was a bit different - my husband fell in love with another woman while still living with me. I had to drag this all out of him based on how morose he was acting. Turns out she wasn't in love with him; just using him. She wouldn't have sex with him. That didn't make it any easier, because all that mattered was that he was tired of me after 13 years. I didn't yell and scream and wish I had. It's good to let it all out, instead of feeling that you are no good, as I did. You have the self worth to keep going without him. Congratulations.

Oh joypulv,
My heart is aching for you, and I hope you gained back all the pride & self esteem that jerk crushed from you. I can imagine how painful it would be to watch your living in husband was in love with another woman, who even does not love him back. It sucks. It really sucks. I hope you are healed by now and happy again. You deserved the best. For self worth wise, if a man married you, stayed for 13 years with you, it proves that you are a very desirable woman already, and yourself esteem should not be effected no matter what. He became a jerk, and blame you, so he can justify he can love someone else openly. How manipulative is that? Jerks do not cherish anyone. Jerks are attracted by jerks. You should not lose yourself esteem because you were not loved by a jerk. Cheer Up! Take care yourself, pretty up, and find a new love who will appreciate you.

Yes, myself esteem sank to the bottom too when I found out this affair. I blamed myself not to guard my husband well, which I thought I owned him completely and forever. This woman my husband had the affair with is 10 years younger than me, and I assume she should be pretty. But I got myself esteem back immediately. I am a whole person with integrity, and much much better than my dirty husband. It even boosts myself worth more and furiously. What I am dealing with is this uncontrollable rage because I cannot accept my 10 years of marriage became trash. I feel like my husband became a con and we are all scammed. He lied to a stranger & me, got laid as long as he wanted, and ran away from the victim. I am furious! IT CANNOT HAPPEN!!

Plus you have to worry about your children and how they are taking all that is happening! I don't believe in hiding fights behind closed doors because they sense all and know a lot regardless, but what do you say to them?

[My scenario happened a million years ago - don't worry about me - this is about you now]

It is good that your mother is giving you good advice.

But, I don't think two wrongs make a right, meaning that him having an affair gives you the right to beat the hell out of him, and make him drink toilet water!

There is no doubt that he is responsible for what he has done, and he should accept that no matter what happens, however, for you to beat him up, is not the right way to go. If the situation were reversed, and it had been you who had the affair, and he beat the crap out of you and made you drink toilet water, he would be in jail.

Remember you have three children, who are being subject to the violence in the home, on top of all else that has gone on. To see you so out of control does not reassure them that they are safe and protected. Please stop the violence, and behave like an adult, and keep you and your husband's problems private. It might be time for him to leave the house. To separate for a while, I think, is a good option, for all of you.

Should, after a time, counseling might help the two of you learn to at least communicate, even if its for the sake of the children and their future, I urge you to go, by yourself, to start. Please do your best to learn how to manage your emotions, and understand that violence in any measure, doesn't solve anything, and again, thinking of the three kids you have, their security and well being is at stake here.

Agree. I worried about my kids too. They know dad did something very bad, mom is very angry, but do not know any further details behind of the door. I would try stop yelling and violence too. It is very hard to control my emotions, because the pain is so raw. Thanks for the advice.

my mom did not agree with my violence. I did not know I was so violent either before.

I have to agree with Jake, acting on impulses of uncontrolled rage and violence is never a good thing and cannot be justified no matter what he has done, especially around your kids. Better to kick him out, rather than continue down this path.

Get yourself under control.

When you choose to have children you both choose to make their lives more important than your own. Your kids are probably scared right now because they don't understand what is going on. You have to make a effort to keep it civil for their sake. That means no violence, harsh words, fighting, etc.

Having typed that I must say I haven't been through what you are going through and I have no clue what my reaction would be. But I do know that if my partner did what your husband did, it wouldn't be pretty. I feel for you.

Although very tempting, bringing the other woman into the call will likely only bring you more heartache and anger. You have nothing to gain from it, other than if you are trying to see him squirm even more.

Of course he is begging you to give him a second chance. Often, people will either leave, to be with the other person, or decide they want to stay in their marriage. Will he cheat again? Who knows, sometimes people learn their lesson. You have no guarantees... of course you had no guarantee that it wouldn't happen a first time either. We certainly don't go into marriage expecting it. Trust is one of the hardest things to rebuild after such a betrayal, and it doesn't happen quickly or easily, if at all.

Know that you are going to fly through emotions for awhile... anger, hurt, resentment, loss, etc. Your self-esteem may take a hit at times, but that is when you will come back to your realization that it isn't anything you did, or didn't do, it is a reflection on his character. Do keep your children out of the loop in regard to knowing the ins and outs. Perhaps a simple, "Some really bad choices were made, and now we have to see if we can work through them", will be all that is needed.

Be careful of what they could overhear when your parents are there. Take the high road in any decision that you make.

Sometimes, a separation is helpful so that you can come up for air. Prayers and healing thoughts for some wisdom, comfort, and strength in the coming weeks and months.

Although punishing him is so tempting, it won't help you, or him, or your kids. Imagine how they're feeling right now. I'm sure they know that something is going on, that things are bad right now. For them you need to be kind to him. No matter what you decide, he is still their father. You don't want to do or say anything that could end up damaging them forever.

Now, being kind to him doesn't mean that you have to forgive him. I know that if it were me, I would not be able to forgive. I'd want counseling only so that we could find a way to at least co-parent together. But for me it would be over. But that's me. Also, I haven't had to deal with this, so really, I'm only saying what I think I would do. I have no experience with this to know if what I think I'd do, would become reality.

This is all still so new, so fresh, and so painful. Let the pain wain a bit before you make any big decisions.

You know him better than any of us. We can only post based on what you've posted, and right now you're very justifiably mad at him, so you're not posting anything that would redeem him in our eyes.

A few questions you need to ask. Can you forgive this? Do you still love him, even though right now you hate him for what he's done, do you still love him? With counseling and a lot of healing, would you ever be able to trust him again? Do you still want to be married to him, if you can forgive him and you two can get some professional help with your marriage?

Yes, I did say that to me this is a horrible betrayal, because it was planned. It wasn't him going to a bar, getting a bit drunk, meeting someone, and ending up having sex with that person. He went looking for an affair. No matter what his reasons are, there's no reason good enough for what he did. But, and this is a big but, there are obviously problems in the marriage, problems that lead to all of this. So the question is, do you want to try to fix those problems, or are you just done with him and the marriage, no chance at all of trying to fix things? It's really all your decision, but don't make a decision out of anger.

Day 4 (Tuesday)
In the morning, a lady from the law office called me to conform the appointment with a lawyer on Wednesday. My heart just sank. "here comes,
i am really moving toward divorce." my heart was beating like hell and my hands were shaking. I was so scared to death to go through this and being lonely for a long long time... who will date a mother of 3 kids.
I desperately searched a marriage counseling psychologist on the web, and called one. Thankfully, since my voice was unusual, the doctor kindly offered me a session at 8pm.


After come home after work, I told my husband I would stop the violence. I asked him to take me out for dinner. He did. Kids were with a baby sitter. We sat and had the meal, I could not swallow any food, but he ate all his dish. I could not help, but explain the seriousness of his affair, and he was very upset to hear in the restaurant.
He announced that his new job in town was just confirmed. It means he will not travel any longer. My husband also wanted to go to the counseling too, so I called the doctor again. The doctor allowed another special session for him at 9 pm just after my session. The doctor told me that he needed to see us separately first. In future, the doctor will give us a couple session.


After dinner I went to the counseling. It was my first time in my life to sit down with a psychologist. He was very warm old male doctor, and listened all my story. I even showed the text from the woman too. Once again, the doctor told me that I am the person to make a decision whether to stay or not. The doctor also says that he can not share what he hears from us separately
After my session, my husband walked in to the doctors office.
My husband came back later after his session, and he went to his room. He is staying in the guest room now. I told you my husband asked me to give him the list of things he can so, so we can heal. (my first request was the drinking toilet water) I gave him the list of my 2nd request - List of his emails with login info. He says I will get it by tomorrow. 3rd request - his second cell phone (he used it to cheat not to be caught). He says he closed the cell phone account when he came back. It can be true or it can be another lie.


In my bed, I started to think about what the doctor asked me.
"what is your goal in the counseling" - I cannot pin point. Looking for a hope? Looking for a help to make a decision? Borrowing his judgement? Like to know if my husband regrets sincerely , and want to stay in marriage?
"what was your marriage before the affair? how was sex?" - it just hit me. We did not have sex much recently. Probably 1-2 times a year? We were occupied for many other things, stressed out, arguing, annoyed, and distant.


In the middle of night, I suddenly walk up, and started to think. Maybe my husband stopped to love me a couple years ago already. Maybe it is his revenge for me because I am the boss in the house, and he was resentful?

I don't think it's revenge. I'm not even sure that it has anything to do with you. Affairs are such a hurtful thing to do, but the partner that has them, rarely thinks about the aftermath.

Obviously there are problems in the marriage, problems that existed before the affair. If he had come to you and told you that he was feeling unloved, or unappreciated, or whatever inspired him to do what he did, you could likely have fixed this with counseling. You still might be able to, it depends on both of you and how much you want to make the marriage work.

Do not let the anger and hurt you feel right now, make any major decisions for you. From what you posted it doesn't sound like you're ready for the divorce. Give the counseling a chance, see what happens with it, see if you two can somehow work it out and stay together. Give it a chance before you call it quits.

Counseling doesn't always work, but I think you owe it to yourself, to him, and to your kids, to at least see if you two can work through this. No matter what happens, you will always have him in your life, and even if you decided to divorce, you will still have to find a way to forgive him and move on, for your kids sake. He may not always be your husband, but he will always be their father, and you two will have to work together to give them the best childhood you can.

I met the lawyer. He was very kind and listened all my story. The lawyer told me that since my husband did not respect me, and had the planned affair, he deserves the divorce. He explained the procedure of the divorce. Every single word the lawyer discussed with me just killed me. Long process, child support, child visitation... my poor kids' life will be permanently ruined once i file the divorce. The consequences of the divorce is killing us further. How do I & my kids deserve this? I cannot decide when I will file the divorce yet. My heart sinks further and deeper day goes by.

I sleep with my kids in my bed in these days. I cry while they are sleeping. What I know is I will do my best to protect them until I die. I got sick and stay in bed for the past days.

My husband says he does not hate me, and he did not plan to cheat that deep. He is rushing to make appointments with the counselor, but the doctor seems very busy.

Alty, I do know you very well, but you are a very smart and wise person. You help me so much in this crisis. sorry for the last response.

Also keep in mind... that lawyer has a rather significant financial stake in this if you DO file... that WILL affect what he thinks you should do. (they will end up with a rather sizable chunk of your assets before its over)

Don't rely on a lawyer to offer marital advice. Get the counseling (apart and together) and determine for yourselves if you can move past this.

The only people that win in a divorce are the lawyers...everyone else loses.

I caution you of making life changing decision while you are under such emotional duress. Right now your mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health should be the priority.

The doctor is busy? Ask his office to recommend another, or find one on your own, because you need to be seen NOW.

Smoothy,
I noticed it will be a very expensive to divorce quickly. The lawyer's fee is $350 an hour, requested $6000 in advanced to file the divorce. The lawyer did not know how long it will take or how much it will cost eventually, since we will fight fiercely over kids and other matters. So, divorcing is not punishing the cheater, but deteriorating my & kids finance further. We are destroying ourselves all together.

talaniman, thanks for encouraging me. I called the doctor's cell phone directly just now, and he offered me a special session again. At this time, the doctor wants to see us together Monday night 9 pm. I never been in a couple therapy, and I have no clue what I have to expect, but we will see how it goes.

I strongly agree with the idea of not rushing to make permanent decisions just yet. No doubt you are still in shock from the entire situation and, again, your emotions will run the gamut for a time. You owe it to yourself and to your children to work towards healing first, even if that may mean a legal separation from your husband for a time.

Space apart can often let you focus more on yourself and your children. With some counseling, soul searching, weighing pros and cons, and time, you will be of a clearer mind to make such a life altering decision... whether that will be to divorce and move on, or to work to try and rebuild a new relationship with your husband.

The point is, you have time... all the time that you need to see how this goes for you.

dualal, I cannot say thank you enough. I agree I do not have to rush, even though I urge to finish this mess and to be alone. Right now, my emotion is extreme from scared, angry, sad, depressed, and resentful... all kinds of good and bad memory randomly comes to me, and it makes me just cry.

I will need to host a Christmas dinner with families and friends soon. I do not know how it will be... can I control my emotion, and will act like a normal & happy family just for the Christmas dinner? I am not sure... I feel so tired, and like fall in sleep and not waking up.

I start to have a stupid idea in my head. What if I just kill myself? I have nothing to lose. I do not have to deal with this humiliation and betrayal, long divorce procedure or single motherhood for the rest of my life. Then this cheater will dance with joy, takes all the assets I worked so hard. He is the biological father of my kids, and take care of kids with a new woman anyway? I do not find any meaning in my life any longer. Life is not fair anyway.

I agree that's a stupid idea. Why rob yourself, and your kids of a promise of a good happy, healthy life, because you are in a selfish place. Emotional pain will do that to you. Put your kids first and get yourself to your family doctor and let him help you through this pain so you can see yourself through this difficult time in your life.

Why is that not a simple and BETTER thing to do instead of letting what your husband did drive you to thinking stupid thoughts? Because he was a bad husband and made a huge mistake does that mean you have to be a bad mother? Get off the pity pot and get a better plan to thrive, and survive, heal, and regroup, and rebuild your life.

Are you hearing me, through your misery?

I am hearing you, talaniman. Thanks for caring about me. I am in the lowest & toughest spot in my life, and mot thinking right now. I hope I can gain some insight and strength soon.

Why would you think ending your life will make things better? For whom? Now, more than ever, is when you put your children first.

They will have enough change to go through if you decide to divorce, don't you dare put them through something so horrible!

I know full well that you are hurting, but you are stronger than you may feel right now. Lean on family and perhaps a trusted friend or two.

You will get through this. You will rebuild your life one way or another. Eventually, you will have good days that will out number the bad. Right now you focus on good moments... do something with your children, visit a friend, get outside. Sometimes you just have to make yourself take a step forward in your healing.

Step by step... you will get through it.

You will get through this. You will rebuild your life one way or another. Eventually, you will have good days that will out number the bad.

I am holding onto this, doulalc. You have no idea how much your word is comforting me.

Day 8. Sunday. 8th day from exactly I found out the betrayal. I got up from my bed, cooked breakfast for kids, and ate together. My beautiful kids were happy to see mommy cooking as normal. I will eat, sleep, gain strength, and fight back. I will not give up my life.

I talked to the woman. She was a single mother nurse, working 2 jobs to support her life and her kid. She told me she fell very hard for the "millionaire single man", which my husband created imaginary. She was angry when my husband broke up, and spent over $200 for search service to find out his identity, and my number. I am not angry at her. We are both victims. She lost 2+ month, I lost 10 years, kids, marriage and finance. I need to know all the details to make my final decision. It is good two victims are talking to each other. my mother calls me morning to night and comfort me.

You have lost nothing but peace of mind and I don't see keeping contact with your husbands victim as a healthy thing at all.

I don't see keeping contact with your husbands victim as a healthy thing at all.

Why do you think so? Advice please.

Why keep feeding the negative and your own (And her) victim mentality? Of what use is her giving you a blow by blow detail of this adulterous relationship?

What makes you think two hurt unhealthy females can help each other especially when obviously revenge is the motive of this other female. Her credibility is surely suspect. Why are you adding to the problems you already have.

Ask your therapist if this is a healthy thing to do. $200 hundred bucks for a background check? Get real!

Why keep feeding the negative and your own (And her) victim mentality? Of what use is her giving you a blow by blow detail of this adulterous relationship?

What makes you think two hurt unhealthy females can help each other especially when obviously revenge is the motive of this other female. Her credibility is surely suspect. Why are you adding to the problems you already have.

Ask your therapist if this is a healthy thing to do. $200 hundred bucks for a background check? Get real!

You are 200% right. I should cut her out. Thanks so much for your advice.

she is feeding me all the details word by word, his false promises, sexual details and asked me to revenge him for her. her intention is revenge and breaking my family because she cannot have him. "why do you put up with him still? divorce him kick him out" she is talking and talking. she tried to contact me using her friends multiple times too, she has all our family info, assets list in her hand. she knows where my kids going to school even. she is claiming my husband said "you are my everything".

(Just want to say to the men here that 2 betrayed women joining forces is very common. If not dragged out, it can fill their needs for talk, comfort, and support. I agree that it's time now to drop it. You can let her down gently, saying you have to concentrate on your children.)

Sex 1 or 2 times a year?
Being the boss?
You have turned into his mother, and he was out having a 20-something fling. NOT EXCUSING it at all! But it's a concrete basis for counseling.
It's so very common for wives to not want sex after 5 years or so, running ragged with child rearing day and night. It's common for husbands to give up and look elsewhere, without communicating.
He's 'more wrong' of course, but if you can say OK, he's more wrong, but behind it is mistakes made by both of us, then you can solve it.

Little story about 2 women: I had a boyfriend in the mid 70s who discovered he had cancer in his 20s. I borrowed a car from my parents to take him to radiation and chemo. He not only took that car to go play poker late one snowy night, he deliberately parked it where it would get towed because it was closest to our building, and didn't care. I had to get it out. He left me at a laundromat with something like 12 washers full of HIS clothes and borrowed my car for just a few minutes, and never came back (poker again, I think). Finally - he had an affair with a friend. He was angry at the whole world and took it out on me.

Over 10 years later, he was married to a roommate of mine. We were all friends by then. I was even working for him. His wife started telling me about him leaving her at a laudromat (they were renovating their house)... I was rolling on the floor, howling.

40 years later, we are all still best friends.

Sex 1 or 2 times a year? Being the boss?
You have turned into his mother.

I agree. I accept. I became his nagging mother. I regret I treated him as a bad boy who is always make house room messy, not cleaning up. My fault. I deeply regret.

Sex? I never refused him. I was very cooperative in bed. He is under med since he is experiencing a erection dysfunction due to the a little serious diabetes... he used pill or even injection to get it up. The woman also complained "he even could not get up" but she stayed since she thought he was a big shot.

Little story about 2 women: I had a boyfriend in the mid 70s who discovered he had cancer in his 20s. I borrowed a car from my parents to take him to radiation and chemo. He not only took that car to go play poker late one snowy night, he deliberately parked it where it would get towed because it was closest to our building, and didn't care. I had to get it out. He left me at a laundromat with something like 12 washers full of HIS clothes and borrowed my car for just a few minutes, and never came back (poker again, I think). Finally - he had an affair with a friend. He was angry at the whole world and took it out on me.

Over 10 years later, he was married to a roommate of mine. We were all friends by then. I was even working for him. His wife started telling me about him leaving her at a laudromat (they were renovating their house)... I was rolling on the floor, howling.

40 years later, we are all still best friends.

I am sorry. My head is still foggy, and I am not sure what you are trying to tell me here. Can you be clear?

I think you should give him another chance. Let him talk to you about why he did that and if it was because you did something wrong fix it and get back to your relationship. It's best for your children. :)

I agree. I accept. I became his nagging mother. I regret I treated him as a bad boy who is always make house room messy, not cleaning up. My fault. I deeply regret.

Sex? I never refused him. I was very cooperative in bed. He is under med since he is experiencing a erection dysfunction due to the a little serious diabetes... he used pill or even injection to get it up. The woman also complained "he even could not get up" but she stayed since she thought he was a big shot.
I've avoided any finger pointing because I wasn't there...

But I wanted to point out a VERY important fact from a mans perspective. And perhaps it might make the WHY question a little easier. Since you brought this up.

Not refusing and being cooperative (even better if its because you WANT to and not just because he wants to).. IS really important in keeping it lively and fresh... however it isn't nearly enough to cancel out incessant nagging and general complaining about everything.

To a guy... You could be a supermodel. BUT if all they can think of is excessive complaining and nagging when they think of you... its going to put them off... and even a much less attractive person with a pleasant disposition starts looking a lot better. (Yes I guess this would apply to both genders but I can only speak as a guy). Its not going to happen overnight... but over time it does have an effect.

What's that old saying... Looks aren't everything? You need the rest to match.

I would suppose there is a small subset out there that might get turned on by that... Masochists or Submissives possibly. But to the average guy it's a huge turnoff.

Just as I assume a guy that does nothing but complain and bellyache about this, that and the other thing... isn't going to be as appealing to women.

Not saying there isn't a time and place. There is, just that it shouldn't be constant, everyday.. or even frequent. Save it for the worst of the events.

Like they say... worry about the big things and the little things will take care of themselves.

And everyone's stress levels are reduced.

Smoothy, I agree, and thanks for your man's prospective.
Although, I am not sure he created the affair to revenge me because I was nagging. I am still shocked he COULD do such a thing to me, and struggling to find out the best solution for my kids and my future.


I think you should give him another chance. Let him talk to you about why he did that and if it was because you did something wrong fix it and get back to your relationship. It's best for your children. :)

llaurenball, you seem a very sweet person. Thanks for reading my post and having sympathy for me.

Smoothy, I agree, and thanks for your man's prospective.
Although, I am not sure he created the affair to revenge me because I was nagging. I am still shocked he COULD do such a thing to me, and struggling to find out the best solution for my kids and my future.



llaurenball, you seem a very sweet person. Thanks for reading my post and having sympathy for me.I agree... I can't say what was going on in his mind that motivated him. Only he knows that. Not saying its justified, I'm just pointing out how a guy thinks that might move him towards that direction.

Some people can't be motivated enough to do it...others (male and female) need seemingly little motivation.

I have to voice a woman's perspective here.

I've been married for 20 years, together for 25, two kids. Marriage has it's ups and downs, anyone that says they're always happy in their marriage, is a liar.

One of the major issues my husband and I have is his messiness. I mean really, would it kill him to not leave his dirty underwear on the floor right beside the hamper? Don't even get me started on the rest.

For a man sex is a physical thing. Of course being in love with the person is also important, but it's mostly physical.

For a woman it's emotional. I can say that for me, if I spent the day picking up your dirty underwear, your dirty socks, taking your dishes off the table to put them in the dishwasher that's 4 steps away, picking up the garbage you literally threw on the floor, after driving our kids to school, picking them up, helping them with homework, and dealing with their school issues (I swear their teachers don't even know my husbands name, I take care of everything in that respect), I won't be able to just forget all that and enjoy sex.

Frankly, if you think about how mens minds work, and how women's minds work, it's a wonder that we even decide to marry each other. ;)

The reason I've been married for 20 years, in my opinion, is that my husband and I talk to each other when we're frustrated. More importantly, we listen to each other.

I don't think your nagging had anything to do with it. I don't think he had an affair to get revenge. I think that you two don't communicate well, and because of that you somehow lost your way. That doesn't mean that it's over. It doesn't mean you should just give up.

You said it yourself, he gave her 2 months, you gave him 10 years. Isn't a marriage based on love, that lasted 10 years, with kids involved, deserve to be fought for?

It's been 8 days. It's still a fresh wound. Right now you're in the grieving stage. This is not the time to make big decisions. It's the time to let yourself be upset (without taking it out on him or the kids), and decide (with a rational mind) what you want. Do you want to divorce, or do you want to give this marriage a chance?

I just got back from the counseling, but I am very frustrated. It was supposed to be a 45 min session, but the heated conversation lasted for 1.5 hours.
His story - he knows his affair cannot be justified, however, he started it because he felt he was unloved and ignored by me.
I remember one day when he came back home after 10 hours of long delayed flight, he was not treated as a center of the attention. I was running crazy for 24 hours with my full time job, 3 sick kids, and on the top of that I managed the major remodeling project in the house. We lived among boxes, and stress level was really high. We had the big argument over money, and I made him left very angry and unappreciated. I did not even give him a ride to the airport.

After the event, he allowed himself to register on the dating site. One thing led another, he had the affair. My husband told us that he did not even like the affair at all, and it lasted for 4 dates in the 2 month period. He is looking for mercy and stay in marriage. The therapist looked at my face. What will you do? I am even madder after heard his stupid excuse. We had the big argument in the car on the way back. He must be a mentally retarded & childish idiot, or a big time jerk. Can I save my marriage with this childish and selfish person? I think his IQ is -100!! Oh, lord.

Your feelings are too fresh and raw to even answer such a question and your emotional state is nowhere near a good place to even see the possibilities. To be clear the doctor you should be seeing is your family doctor. You both could use a cooling off period.

I know how listening and thinking is a hard thing to do while you are venting, raging, and emoting. When will your mom be there?

Your feelings are too fresh and raw to even answer such a question and your emotional state is nowhere near a good place to even see the possibilities. To be clear the doctor you should be seeing is your family doctor. You both could use a cooling off period.

I know how listening and thinking is a hard thing to do while you are venting, raging, and emoting. When will your mom be there?

My parents are coming Friday morning, and I am picking them up at the airport.

Your counselor is lacking some skill at this. Is he a regular therapist or a couples counselor specialist? Couple counseling is very different from regular therapy. It's a method of teaching each person how to talk, ask, wish for, need - to EACH OTHER. It isn't hashing out the past and deciding who's to blame.

And you are both too conflicted right now to be seen together, my gosh! Individual for now!

Your counselor is lacking some skill at this. Is he a regular therapist or a couples counselor specialist? Couple counseling is very different from regular therapy. It's a method of teaching each person how to talk, ask, wish for, need - to EACH OTHER. It isn't hashing out the past and deciding who's to blame.

And you are both too conflicted right now to be seen together, my gosh! Individual for now!

Oh, gosh!
The first 30 min in the session, he complained and blames me from the closet space arrangement to the remodeling decision making.

T counselor stopped him and said that "even all that, that does not justify what you did", and it make him stop. He was in the position to defend himself and blame me, not focus on accepting and healing. I am in a hell.

His side story in the counseling

From the beginning, I did not want to take the job and go away from my family at all a year ago. I did not want to buy the house either since it was way over budget, but I agree it is nice our kids can have their own rooms in the house. My wife pushed and bought the house anyway. The house needed major remodeling. We did not even have a kitchen for months in the house.
Due to the remodeling cost, my wife wanted me to take the job. I am not a money machine. She does not respect me, or wanted to keep me in the house.
I did not have any other job offers yet at that time, I hade to take the job. I was miserable in the new place. I am family person, and I was loney, I came back home every 2 weeks, but I was not treated well either, and ended up having argument. I stopped talking.
Whenever I was on the flight to go back to my loney place, I was thinking "she has not been treated me well for years. it is not working. i am not happy". That lasted a year, and I had the affair. I wanted to have warm treatment from someone. That was wrong. What I had with another woman was not love. I regret. I am very sorry. I realized I love my wife. I want us to communicate and work it out again.

He made an appointment to see the same marriage counseler for us Thursday night. He says we need to communicate, which was broken years ago. My parents are coming Friday morning. I am looking for a woman counsler I can vent. I am still crying non stop because the most precious marriage vanished from my life.

Do you truly believe this was the most precious marriage... or is it your idea of what a marriage should be like that has vanished? Had your marriage been going well in your opinion? Did your husband ever voice any unhappiness... perhaps not directly saying so, )or perhaps he might have?), but did he make it somewhat known how he felt at times? He apparently did not feel that things were going well, or as well as he would have liked.


After a number of years of marriage, and a few kids especially, it can often be easy to fall into unhealthy patterns. Sometimes you may even be aware of it, but it becomes the routine, what you almost become comfortable with; the norm. The marriage relationship can easily get put on the back burner as everything else, kids, work, household to run, bills, extended family, etc. seem to take up so much time and energy, little gets left for the marriage. We expect our partners to go with the flow, to understand how it is... but that doesn't always happen, and dissatisfaction isn't always expressed as it should be.

Your perception of the relationship may be quite different from his. None of this excuses the choices he made, however. Too often people don't want to talk about the hard stuff; they don't want to rock the boat and prefer to avoid the possibility of a confrontation or negative emotions. "We" sometimes assume that the other person should just know how we feel or when we need something to be different without us asking for it. People don't always express their unhappiness or their needs... or sometimes they do, and the other person just doesn't pick up on it, or even may turn a blind eye to it as maybe they aren't getting what they really would like either.

All of this may be nothing that you or your husband can relate to... or maybe some of it is.

It is unfortunate that you learned how he was feeling by hearing it at a counseling session and not directly from him. Communication is obviously key... it sounds cliche, but situations such as this are often good examples of why it is so important.

I hope when your parents arrive, you can get a little breathing room. They could watch the kids, or take them out, so that you can have some time to yourself. Maybe see your doctor and the counselor on your own. Go out with a friend to a movie or meal. Something normal back in your life.

You have a valid point. How blind I was. He was quite, and I assumed all was OK. I am learning it in the hardest way.
I simply thought we were committed to each other for our life time, we stand on the unbreakable & solid ground, I took him as granted, and just pushed and pushed him.
I should listen to his needs and nurture our relationship for us. Obviously, I did not. What is the point of having a big house if the marriage is falling a part?

Unfortunately, some lessons are learned the hard way... many lessons are. But now you give yourself time to heal, move forward, make some changes, and you do better. See the counselor yourself, and with your husband. Go see your doctor. Spend time with family and friends. In time, your feelings will ease a bit, and you will be in a better position to make a decision on what you want to do in regards to your marriage.

Things are getting much better since my parents came in. They take care of my kids with love and care, and I feel the peace and balance in the house. Kids are obviously much much happier than before.
My mom comforts me, talks to me morning to night, and teaches me to be a wise mom and a good woman.
My dad talks to my husband, encourages him to be a good dad and a man.
We went 4 more marriage counseling sessions together almost every night too. We finally started to "COMMUNICATE" to each other again without anger. The issue was, We lost the communication somehow in the past years.
In a session, I apologized to my husband, I accepted I ignored his NEEDS to be with family & loving wife at HOME, pushed him away to a place far away, and did not even treat him well when he comes back home every 2 weeks.
He apologized his stupid affair, deeply regrets, begging for a second chance, and promised to rebuild the loving relationship with me.

I am still crying and grieving for the pain, but trying hard to understand what if I was in his shoes. What if I was pushed from family, and only received yelling and screaming from spouse whenever visit my own family? I assume I would be resentful too. I know it still does not justify what he did, but at least it makes me a better person.
It is a heart wrenching learning process for me.


If any women read this post, please see my mistake, appreciate your loved ones, and care with love before you ruin it.

Per my parents' intervention, he even moved back to our bedroom. We talked and cried all night long together on the first night he came back, and agreed we do not want divorce, but build a better family for us and kids.
Surprisingly, we recovered intimacy and passion which we have lost for the past years. His erection issue just disappeared. All the loving feeling came back to us just like 10 years ago, and we miss each other.

It was rainy today, I picked up my husband with my car (with kids and 2 dogs as my mom suggested) when he gets off from the bus. His new job made him as the BREAD WINNER in our family, and my husband seems very proud and happy.

I have to say though I did not forgive him yet. I still struggle. I am hunted by the pain. We cry together sometimes. Although my husband is trying to comfort me and keep saying sorry and he loves me as much as possible.

I am so happy we can have a good Christmas all together as usual. We will still go to the counseling sessions to heal for a while. Merry Christmas, everyone.

You've come a long way.

I think you're going to make this work. It sounds like both of you lost your way, and both of you made mistakes. Yes, what he did was hurtful, but now that you understand his side, how he felt, hopefully you can rebuild what was lost and find what brought the two of you together to begin with. I think you're on your way.

Forgiveness is often hard. I've had a lot of people hurt me in my life, and for way too long I held on to my anger, hatred, pain. The only thing that accomplished was making myself miserable. Holding on to anger for someone is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies from it. It only hurts you.

Don't forgive him for his sake, but for yours. Let the pain go, let the hurt go, let it all go. Forgive him so that you can heal. Don't you deserve that? You'll be amazed how letting anger and hurt go, can give you the peace you need.

Keep up with the counseling, and talking to each other. I would suggest that after Christmas, when your parents are back home, and you're both alone, that you hire a sitter, and have a night out, just the two of you. Spend some time with the man you fell in love with, find that love again.

Merry Christmas! Keep us updated on how it all goes. I have hope that it will all work out. :)

You've come a long way.

I think you're going to make this work. It sounds like both of you lost your way, and both of you made mistakes. Yes, what he did was hurtful, but now that you understand his side, how he felt, hopefully you can rebuild what was lost and find what brought the two of you together to begin with. I think you're on your way.

Forgiveness is often hard. I've had a lot of people hurt me in my life, and for way too long I held on to my anger, hatred, pain. The only thing that accomplished was making myself miserable. Holding on to anger for someone is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies from it. It only hurts you.

Don't forgive him for his sake, but for yours. Let the pain go, let the hurt go, let it all go. Forgive him so that you can heal. Don't you deserve that? You'll be amazed how letting anger and hurt go, can give you the peace you need.

Keep up with the counseling, and talking to each other. I would suggest that after Christmas, when your parents are back home, and you're both alone, that you hire a sitter, and have a night out, just the two of you. Spend some time with the man you fell in love with, find that love again.

Merry Christmas! Keep us updated on how it all goes. I have hope that it will all work out. :)

Alty,
Every single word you gave to me here is like you exactly see though my heart. I am so amazed how you could understand me this much... I have goose bumps.

My parents will stay with us until 1st week of January, and it really helps us to rest physically, and emotionally. I can focus on our healing.

I saw my counselor yesterday by myself. I asked him "he cheated on me, hurt me so much, but since the root cause was the frequent & non stop fighting for the last years in our marriage, you are saying I need to stop yelling and punish him. are you suggesting me to reward him with nice and gentle care to my husband after he betrayed me?"

This old doctor told me "you both knows he did all wrong, and there is no justification. you have all the right to punish him, but how long would like to punish him? it does not help, if you want to rebuild marriage. sincere communication is the key. it is not reward, but repairing. you need to stop the negativity, because it will only make you crazy."

It made me think I need to control my anger more, and focus on to put everything behind not repeating his affair in my head repeatedly.

My husband is trying hard to make me happy. He takes me out almost every night for dinner. We went to movie last night. (I know he went to movies with the other woman when he had the affair, it killed me inside while I was with him in the movie theater, but I did not express my sadness.) He hates shopping mall, but he took me to a shopping mall, and waited for me for hours patiently while I was browsing the shopping mall.

He holds & comforts me in bed every night, which he has not done while ago. His word last night. "I really love you and I do not want to finish our marriage. I do not want to lose our 10 years, which means a lot to me. I made the big mistake, and I was self destructive. I am so sorry to hurt you. As you know, I finished it, and I came back to you, but unfortunately you found it out in the worst way. I am not taking easy way to give up & walk away from furious wife, but instead I am taking all from you here. Have a mercy for me, and forgive me. let's try to put everything behind and rebuild."

My word
"I do love you, that's why it is so painful for me. I did not chose the divorce, and trying to rebuild with you even after your unspeakable betrayal. you need to help me to trust you and forget everything."

He got up, and went to his computer, deactivated all the personal email accounts in front of me, and handed me the deactivated his secondary cell phone. He became the open book for me.

But, you don't have the right to "punish" him. You are not his parent. You have every right to be disappointed in his actions, but you do not have the right to "punish" him.

But, you don't have the right to "punish" him. You are not his parent. You have every right to be disappointed in his actions, but you do not have the right to "punish" him.

You have a valid point. I guess I have only 2 options. Forgive him or leave him. Staying with him and torturing him is a childish act, and will bring more disasters...

You have a valid point. I guess I have only 2 options. Forgive him or leave him. Staying with him and torturing him is a childish act, and will bring more disasters...

At at the same time you have to accept your role in this. You pushed him into the arms of another woman with your controlling behavior.

Does he he forgive you for your actions and behavior?

The two of you are a couple. Decisions are to be made together. If the two of you don't agree on something, it doesn't happen. Do you get my point?

I have a feeling that you like to be in control of every situation and if you don't get your way all hell breaks loose. Is that in any way accurate?

At at the same time you have to accept your role in this. You pushed him into the arms of another woman with your controlling behavior.

Does he he forgive you for your actions and behavior?

The two of you are a couple. Decisions are to be made together. If the two of you don't agree on something, it doesn't happen. Do you get my point?

I have a feeling that you like to be in control of every situation and if you don't get your way all hell breaks loose. Is that in any way accurate?

Yes, you are 100% accurate for all about this. He is indeed vey easy guy, and from the beginning of our relationship (total 13 years, 3 years of dating, 10 years of marriage), I had the strong voice, and he says yes to me, even when he did not happy about it. The counselor says he hold everything inside instead of expressing it, and that triggered his affair.

Yes, learned clearly my way of controlling stopped to work in the most humiliated way recently.

To answer your question, he told me he forgave me who pushed & controlled him by yelling (in front of the counselor during couple therapy session). He speaks up now. He wants us to make every single decision together. He says he needs to be the MAN in the house, and I need to be his wife.

I have not been following this back and forth 62 replies but don't you guys think it is time to put into action what ever is best for the kids and family into action? Enough of this get even stuff and so forth.

He wants us to make every single decision together. He says he needs to be the MAN in the house, and I need to be his wife.

Yes, you do need to make decisions together, that's a given.

He he might need to be the "man" of the house, but are you going to let him, or are you going to continue to boss him around and "punish" him for every action you don't approve of?

While you both need couples counseling, it is glaringly apparent that you need individual counseling to work out your own issues. Unless you can become less controlling and inconsiderate of his thoughts and feelings, I don't see a need to try to make this marriage work.