ZCR
Jul 20, 2015, 08:58 AM
I'm trying to put a debilitating break up behind me ( https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/dating/terrorized-break-up-814038.html)
I finally grew the balls to 'end' this relationship in January this year. Meanwhile, I made friends with a guy. I'm am an introvert, and I tend to be very slow when it comes to the social scene. If I can't have a non-ty conversation with someone, I don't engage much. During the relationship and after the break up, I'd withdrawn from the outside world completely. It would've probably come down to anti depressants had I told my mom about it. But living away from her, why would I?
Not to mention my mother has been on a steady diet of anti depressants (and sleeping pills till one point) for three decades now, thanks to my dad.
It was around this time, I was forcing myself to visit an old friend at his apartment where his girlfriend and her other friends would also turn up.
This guy was one of them. And eventually, over time, we hit it off.
I was happy because in a way I'd shown myself I could do something on my own, without my ex. (Yes, that bad)
He ended up falling for me. I liked him, but not romantically, really.
We'd spend a lot of time because both of us had no real family around and no friends (he is a year older than me. Dropped a year after high school to prepare for entrance exams. Plus he's a bit of a lone wolf.)
He asked me out once, and as much as I was delighted to have a reason to go on a rebound and forget my ex, I said no, because honestly, I don't remember the last time I was single. So much for being an introvert, huh?
He respected my decision, we continued to be friends. That same month, we attended a festival in another college, spending days together, and as it turned out later, nights.
He asked me out again. In this month, he had cared for me through the good times, and the bad ones when I would box myself in completely. Isolated. He respected my yes's and no's.
But I was very clear to him that I didn't plan to be serious or commit to him. We'd spend time together because we liked each other's company, and beyond that, go where life took us.
He agreed.
It's been five months since I said yes to him, and three since I left the place. He has become pretty committed to the idea of us being together... He once asked him if dating him was a 'rebound'. With no disrespect to everything he'd been to me, that was initially my direction. To get away from the ex, try forgetting him by being with someone else.
But how could I tell him that after all that he had done for me?
I don't mean to sound ungrateful or heartless, but in the recent months, I've become indifferent to most things. Emotional stuff. People. Feelings. All of that. Felt much safer to keep my cards close. Now, it's all I sort of know.
This man has been everything my ex couldn't be and I don't feel for him as much as he does for me.
I'm afraid of hurting him. I've moved to a different city for work since.
I decided to be honest with him about me not being over the break up emotionally. He said it was fine. Before I could tell him I wanted time alone, and away, he suggested I did.
I've repeatedly asked him not to have very high expectations. We don't know what might happen in the future. He holds me to be reason his life took a turn and he changed for better. I repeat to him that no one is responsible for his happiness but himself. That he shouldn't put me on a pedestal.
Where I stand, I don't know who to turn to. I'm mostly alone, and in him I find someone who listens without judgement and loves without conditions.
He's also applying for jobs right now, so it's a crucial time.
Where does the separation come in? In that, that I'm way too hurt to trust anyone, but I recognize that I cannot let my sexual needs be buried under everything end that populates the beach of my life (everything under the sun, get it?)
I decided to respect my ex's decision and later his inability to have sex (he couldn't figure out the position once he tried. Didn't try again. Man was out of the ring before we could switch roles) and that has since, left me feeling like I didn't respect my own needs enough. Should've spoken out, you know?
So I'm a little skittish after all that jazz.
Is only sex and no romance a good idea? Or if both people involved in a long distance relationship consent, would having separate sexual and romantic lives work?
Has it worked for anyone? Or is this the foolishness of youth?
I finally grew the balls to 'end' this relationship in January this year. Meanwhile, I made friends with a guy. I'm am an introvert, and I tend to be very slow when it comes to the social scene. If I can't have a non-ty conversation with someone, I don't engage much. During the relationship and after the break up, I'd withdrawn from the outside world completely. It would've probably come down to anti depressants had I told my mom about it. But living away from her, why would I?
Not to mention my mother has been on a steady diet of anti depressants (and sleeping pills till one point) for three decades now, thanks to my dad.
It was around this time, I was forcing myself to visit an old friend at his apartment where his girlfriend and her other friends would also turn up.
This guy was one of them. And eventually, over time, we hit it off.
I was happy because in a way I'd shown myself I could do something on my own, without my ex. (Yes, that bad)
He ended up falling for me. I liked him, but not romantically, really.
We'd spend a lot of time because both of us had no real family around and no friends (he is a year older than me. Dropped a year after high school to prepare for entrance exams. Plus he's a bit of a lone wolf.)
He asked me out once, and as much as I was delighted to have a reason to go on a rebound and forget my ex, I said no, because honestly, I don't remember the last time I was single. So much for being an introvert, huh?
He respected my decision, we continued to be friends. That same month, we attended a festival in another college, spending days together, and as it turned out later, nights.
He asked me out again. In this month, he had cared for me through the good times, and the bad ones when I would box myself in completely. Isolated. He respected my yes's and no's.
But I was very clear to him that I didn't plan to be serious or commit to him. We'd spend time together because we liked each other's company, and beyond that, go where life took us.
He agreed.
It's been five months since I said yes to him, and three since I left the place. He has become pretty committed to the idea of us being together... He once asked him if dating him was a 'rebound'. With no disrespect to everything he'd been to me, that was initially my direction. To get away from the ex, try forgetting him by being with someone else.
But how could I tell him that after all that he had done for me?
I don't mean to sound ungrateful or heartless, but in the recent months, I've become indifferent to most things. Emotional stuff. People. Feelings. All of that. Felt much safer to keep my cards close. Now, it's all I sort of know.
This man has been everything my ex couldn't be and I don't feel for him as much as he does for me.
I'm afraid of hurting him. I've moved to a different city for work since.
I decided to be honest with him about me not being over the break up emotionally. He said it was fine. Before I could tell him I wanted time alone, and away, he suggested I did.
I've repeatedly asked him not to have very high expectations. We don't know what might happen in the future. He holds me to be reason his life took a turn and he changed for better. I repeat to him that no one is responsible for his happiness but himself. That he shouldn't put me on a pedestal.
Where I stand, I don't know who to turn to. I'm mostly alone, and in him I find someone who listens without judgement and loves without conditions.
He's also applying for jobs right now, so it's a crucial time.
Where does the separation come in? In that, that I'm way too hurt to trust anyone, but I recognize that I cannot let my sexual needs be buried under everything end that populates the beach of my life (everything under the sun, get it?)
I decided to respect my ex's decision and later his inability to have sex (he couldn't figure out the position once he tried. Didn't try again. Man was out of the ring before we could switch roles) and that has since, left me feeling like I didn't respect my own needs enough. Should've spoken out, you know?
So I'm a little skittish after all that jazz.
Is only sex and no romance a good idea? Or if both people involved in a long distance relationship consent, would having separate sexual and romantic lives work?
Has it worked for anyone? Or is this the foolishness of youth?