Hello people. I've never posted here before. Actually, I have, under a different user name, many years ago, but that's beside the point. I'd be grateful for a spot of assistance here because I'm in some difficulties.

Basically, me = 29, chap, solicitor (British for lawyer). Fairly new to the profession so not making vast amounts of money and not in the City by any stretch of the imagination. I believe I may have Aspergers but I've never been diagnosed.

Her = 30, girl, social worker.

I met her in November at a networking event (don't ask) and she basically sort of swept me off my feet. We got together, went out, went to parties, I met her parents between Christmas and new year, and they liked me. Made plans for her to do likewise just recently. I was a bit overwhelmed but enjoying it because I've not really had any real relationships before. Anyhow. The relationship was good although I felt a lot like I was out of my depth. I could never seem to understand emotional cues much and she noticed this.

I loved her and said as much and she loved me and said as much. Many times.

For Christmas I bought her a small necklace which she loved and hasn't taken off since, not once, because it was a reminder of me to her. Unfortunately my anxiety was all but crippling. I'd seem to say things that she found offensive or upsetting or not know what the right thing to say was and come over as callous or uncaring, which I didn't mean to. I'd often be quite clumsy. I was mortified at letting the side down or causing her offence at all times. However she'd be upset for a while then it'd pass if I apologised and kept a distance.

But I couldn't seem to stop fretting and being anxious and saying the wrong thing and would occasionally fall into bouts of self flagellation over this. I'd also often misunderstand what she was wanting or be extremely literal about things. Anyhow. I was round this weekend as accustomed and I felt it was going really well. We had a nice dinner on Sunday evening although she had a lot of worries on her mind (which I'm not going to spell out here, suffice to say there were a lot of them.)

Anyhow. She asked me to go out the back double doors to stuff the leftovers in the recycle bin. I unbolted the door then opened it a crack and noticed it was a bit stuck and not opening, and was reminded that there was a lock as well, which I'd inexcusably forgotten to undo. I got the key and undid it and chucked the stuff in the bin. Unfortunately it wouldn't open and I had to force it open. Bad move. The door lock broke and it wouldn't shut or lock. She was distraught because I'd accidentally broken her back door. She was extremely worried and I couldn't fix it there and then. She wouldn't speak to me and told me to leave her alone, so I did.

We slept apart that night.

In the morning she left something for me and left. I went to work. I apologised for this and offered to fix it and/or pay for the replacement of the broken door but she wouldn't have it and seemed angry still. She now doesn't believe that I love her, that I am just the same as all the others (meaning her exen, some of whom were abusive, she said - when I pointed this out that I've never shouted at her, hit her, been abusive to her, or anything like that, she said that she wasn't going to explain it if I couldn't work it out, which I can't being Asperger's) and is "very close" to removing the necklace. She told me that she doubts that I understand or love her.

What do I say and/or do to fix this and/or stop her from leaving me, because I totally fell for her, she's my first properly serious relationship ever, and because I'm hopeless at "pulling" and emotional things and don't want to wait another 10+ years to find someone else and don't want to be driven into the clutches of pick up artistry and other such woo (I flirted with that as a student and learnt my lesson, thanks.)

Also, what does she mean by how I'm the same as all her evil exen who've abused and/or taken advantage. An urgent response would be appreciated. Thanks a lot.

What do I say and/or do to fix this and/or stop her from leaving me, because I totally fell for her, she's my first properly serious relationship ever, and because I'm hopeless at "pulling" and emotional things and don't want to wait another 10+ years to find someone else and don't want to be driven into the clutches of pick up artistry and other such woo (I flirted with that as a student and learnt my lesson, thanks.)

You don't fix it and there is nothing else to say,because her mind I made up.


Also, what does she mean by how I'm the same as all her evil exen who've abused and/or taken advantage.


She was already wary of you because of past experiences, and that is her issue she has to deal with. We all have flaws and issues and even though the attractions get us with others, staying together is a whole different ballgame altogether.

Breakups suck for everyone, guy, and the reasons for a relationship to fail is varied and emotional. We all go through it, some more than others so you are hardly alone. The good news is that we LEARN, HEAL, and do better. Please read these stickies (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/relationship-stickies-590267.html), and feel free to EXPRESS yourself and ask any questions that come to mind.

In short you tried but it didn't work due to things outside your control. Chalk the experience up to learning, and don't take it too personally. You will heal,and be better with the next one, once you get over this one.

LOL, nobody who has gotten dumped ever wants to repeat it anytime soon. But we do it anyway, with the next chance for romance.

No risk, no reward, I guess, but we look back and we seem to have some good memories.......MOST TIMES!!! You are better for the experience either way whether you feel like it, or not, at the moment. Trust me!!

"Better to have loved and lost, than never have loved at all." Alfred Lord Tennyson

Not as quick of a response as you would have liked, but I think you need to let this bird go. As you believe you have issues, I think she does as well. I think the incident is secondary to what is going on here. I think she has expectations that are huge compared to what she's getting. She's expecting her perfect prince charming and when she figures out that you're just a regular bloke then she's disappointed and you're like all the rest. I honestly she felt something for you but I think she started to see stuff she didn't like and is trying to justify and set things up so that she can end the relationship for you.

The thing that is really getting me is the emotional black male and abuse she's heaping on you. "You're just like my exes", "If you don't know I won't tell you.", "Close to removing this necklace.", "doubts that you love her". I don't know what she's playing at but I don't trust her motives. If I were you would take the necklace back and end it with her. She's going cause you and herself a lot more emotional damage if she does it on her own.

It's horrible and I'm really sorry for the advice.

I'm wondering if you made a huge leap over a very important part of the story about the broken lock. Is there a chance that you got supremely agitated and loud and 'violent' towards the bin and door? (The story as written makes little sense - somehow you forced the bin and magically the door lock was then broken.)

I wonder if all the 'crippling anxiety' and coming across as callous has as much to do with anger and frustration (not directed at her, but near her) as it does with Asperger-like naivete and lack of typical emotion and awareness.

Speaking as a woman, when a male friend, no matter how close and trusting I am, gets really loud and upset, I run. It's scary, and I don't scare easily.

If so, you can WORK ON THAT!
Oh - and go see a therapist. Is she worth it? Even if you lose her, you should do it for yourself first and foremost. And for other people in your life, and people you haven't met yet.
Make some calls and interview 2 or 3 and choose one. Don't tell her until after your first meeting.
It doesn't hinge or her.

(Yes, it sounds like she has problems too, but she's not the one here.)

I've skimmed through your initial intro/problem and I can't see how you did anything wrong. I do believe these incidents that she is bringing up (or you bring up) are secondary. You know... when someone wants a way out, open the door for them... it hurts. Trust me I know... but for the less-skilled/cowards of the world, many aren't upfront about their intentions... Instead, they will complain about the sky being too gray, your smile not being big enough, your hair is ruffled today... simply to break up with you. My point? It sounds like she was collecting "reasons" to justify her need to end it instead of just being a woman about it and saying what she needed to say. I wouldn't take it too personal as though you did something wrong. Again, breakups are hard. NONE of us want to go through the whole process of "getting to know you" again... but we do... and you will... in time with someone who is better suited for you. Good luck.