I've been with my boyfriend for 13 years. He took good care of me for years through my ups and downs (weight and emotions) after I lost a loved one. About three years ago I felt a strong guilt that I had put him through such emotional rigor, that he now spited me. I also felt that I was not in control of myself, my actions and decisions. I moved out for a week, and broke up with him. A week later he asked to talk to me, reading a list of things that he knew had been bothering me and was prepared to change, he needed me back. I caved. I love him. I was happy knowing that I had been capable of making such a big decision on my own, and hearing him say how much he cared for me. I lost weight, and I was taking care of myself, we were happy. Now I feel even worse. He plays video games all day. In 13 years, he's only spent half that time employed off and on. I Feel he takes advantage of me. I don't care much that he doesn't want to get married, but I care that he drinks so much. I know he doesn't want kids and I explain to him that as I get older I will spite him for it he says OK. So after all of this I guess what I'm saying is why is it so scary for me to think of breaking up with him now? I've done it before. Why do I feel like I owe him something? Why do I feel like him needing me is enough for me to stay? Our life is so comfortable and repetitive, after this long I don't know if it's a normal comfortable. And I don't like the feeling of giving up, I've lost perspective on if where we are is bad, or fixable, or just normal. Any advice or criticism is welcome

Wow! He has stumbled onto a great deal! He doesn't have to go to work, can drink a lot, plays video games all day, and doesn't want marriage or kids. Does he get sex anytime he wants it? What about food? A backrub? Clean clothes? Yes, he definitely needs you to take care of him. Meanwhile, he does whatever he feels like doing. But who's taking care of YOU?

You are in a comfortable but miserable rut. It's time to get out of it and let him take care of himself.

You have the luxury of planning to get out. Do it, with real solid steps that you keep to yourself. A place to go, a way to get your stuff out, and a life to go to, not just a way to hide from him. You can keep in touch if you feel that you are strong enough to not go back. If you do get in touch, do it in a coffee shop, and bring paper and pencils. It's time for him to prove himself BEFORE you consider taking him back. Otherwise it will be the same ol same ole.

Planning the move, planning the discussions - all fall under 'not making decisions by default.' You can undo them at any step of the way, but you have the pride and satisfaction that you are doing something, and if he continues the way he is, you are all set with your new life.

I think that's another reason I'm scared of breaking up with him. I love him and I'm concerned about what will happen to him. I'm making excuses because I'm holding on to what we are capable of, and our time together. I'm so scared of missing him. And I seem to have lost all sense of logic and reason.

This is all true, but why do I feel like I have to defend him? Why do I feel like I owe it to him? Why do I feel like that's what I'm supposed to do? Why do I feel like anything relationship will end up the same after so many years?

This is all true, but why do I feel like I have to defend him? Why do I feel like I owe it to him? Why do I feel like that's what I'm supposed to do? Why do I feel like anything relationship will end up the same after so many years?
Because you've been together for so many years and the way he is has become normal and acceptable to you. And you know you can't change him. Without him, who and what are you? You lost yourself in caring for him. How can you find yourself again?

Time to come out of your comfort zone

I'm so scared

I would imagine so, change is scary. It's better than feeling used and being miserable.

You owe him nothing but your blunt honesty, so that's what you give him. You gave him everything, and lets be honest, what has he given you? Is it enough? Obviously you are comfortable after all this time, and well programmed, but are you happy? Will you be after another 13 years of this?

You owe yourself some honest answers. I frankly hope you want more from your life and tell him so. You need to talk honestly, and often, until you figure out for yourself what you want, need, and how to get it..........with, or without him.

If he doesn't want what you want, its an easy decision... choose yourself. For a change.

You've been together for 13 years. Losing someone, even if it's your choice to lose him, after that long, is scary. It's like a death, it's scary, it's depressing, and it's life altering.

Read your post, read it and realize what you've said. He wants none of the things you want, he does things you can't stand. So why are you with him? Why do you love him? Do you love him because you went through hard times and he was there for you, or do you love him for other reasons, because frankly, from what you wrote, it doesn't sound like you really love him, or accept him. You're with him because you somehow feel that you owe him something.

Here's a hard truth. Even if he was rich, gave you everything you wanted, a gorgeous home, jewellery, trips, etc. you still don't have to stay with him if you're not happy with how things are going. You owe him nothing.

I have a few questions. How old are you? Do you want children? Do you want marriage? Do you want a home, a car, vacations, stability? If so, is he capable of giving that to you? Obviously not. When will time run out for you to get the things you want? Will you resent him if you don't leave and none of your dreams are fulfilled, and it's too late to fulfill them?

I'm 30. Not sure if I want kids. Don't need marriage. I want a travel partner. I want a simple stable life. I'm also scared that I'll just get myself in this situation again. Find someone new, and wait 10 years before realizing that maybe monogamy isn't real. Maybe it's not natural to be with someone forever, to find someone that compliments me. My parents are happily married still and I think I have this idea that I just need to put in a little more work.

I also realize how naïve that all is

After 13 years, you know he is not going to change, and to be honest it is not fair to ask him to, he has to want to, he is happy being lazy, not working and depending on you. He is happy having nothing, drinking and being lazy.

The issue is, what do you want?

You do not want to change, because change is hard. It is easy to stay in a bad relationship but will you ever be happy

Man, I know all of this! It's so frustrating! I've never thought of myself as a weak person, but this is really tough. It's so easy to talk myself out of it the minute I see him. I'm so tired of trying to find a reason to stay.

Man, I know all of this! It's so frustrating! I've never thought of myself as a weak person, but this is really tough. It's so easy to talk myself out of it the minute I see him. I'm so tired of trying to find a reason to stay.
Do you own a house? Rent an apartment? Are there lots of furniture, dishes, linens, lamps, and other stuff that you've bought? Is he living with you or are you living with him?

Apartment. I've never thought about it before, but at the moment it feels like he's living in my space. He makes rent, but otherwise I feel like a crutch. I feel so pathetic. I've fallen into the typical role of "woman who thinks she can fix a guy". I'm one of those ladies, that in movies I tend to criticize. Weak, blind and hopeless. And still I find hope in my mind.

Where does rent money come from? Do you have a job? Who buys groceries, gas for the car(s), clothes?

He takes odd jobs with a friend. If he has any money left he buys beer. I buy everything else. He doesn't want to work anywhere that isn't family run. We've always loved the idea that our relationship isn't like any other. We aren't mainstream, we're weird and unique. Now I think it was an excuse to stay comfortable.

Take a vacation, have some fun, clear your head, and come back with a fresh perspective. Bet you haven't had your own fun in a while. You are going in circles looking for hope, and courage. Backoff and come at this fresh.

I came on this site years ago, when I was having trouble with my friend's death, and here I am again. I have no friends to talk to because I feel like a burden to everyone. You all have been so helpful. I'm still soooo confused, but it's been so nice to hear opinions and criticism and to get some of this off my chest!

Thanks for the feedback. We'll "adopt" you and be your soundingboard. And we'll want regular reports. :)

Do you have any siblings or living parents to lean on?

Yeah. I have a great family, but I don't know how to tell them that I'm thinking about leaving part of what has become our family. My little brother is my best friend, has been since my friend died, and if I can muster the strength to go through with this, I'll be welcome to crash with him.

Do they know this man and all his problems?

It's so hard to think that maybe there's nothing that can fix us. This isn't just a need to jump start our romance. It's so hard to swallow. He's going to apologize, he's going to make me feel like this is all so petty, and fixable, and I'll believe him. I just need to be strong and selfish for a change maybe.

Would he go with you for couples counseling? There are inexpensive ways to get good counseling.

Do they know this man and all his problems?

Not really. I'm pretty private and proud. I thought if there was a way to fix it, there was no need for them to know I was unhappy. My boyfriend would always tell me he thought I wasn't my real self around them. I was overly excited and happy, covering my usual quiet, negative, sad self. I think maybe I'm just like that around him, and happy me is real me. Wow. Quite the revelation. That felt nice to get out.


Would he go with you for couples counseling? There are inexpensive ways to get good counseling.

He had family counseling as a kid and thinks they don't help. I've wanted to go for myself, but I can't find affordable enough options. No health insurance, and lowish income.

I'm a psychotherapist and know that there are counselors who will take clients on a sliding scale based on income. Your county social services/human resources department can give you names to check out. Your public library reference desk will have a list. Catholic Charities and Lutheran Social Services offer low-cost counseling. Maybe you should go to a counselor and get the ball rolling.

I think that's a great idea. Thank you for the information! I'll check it all out.

I think that's a great idea. Thank you for the information! I'll check it all out.
And I'll be waiting for an update. :D

Again, thank you everyone for your help. I'll keep you updated as I progress.

He is robbing you of your happiness. Believe it or not, this is an abusive relationship. Abuse doesn't have to be physical. He is responsible for nothing while you are responsible for everything.

He is robbing you of your happiness. Believe it or not, this is an abusive relationship. Abuse doesn't have to be physical. He is responsible for nothing while you are responsible for everything.

I'm so confused by how it got to this point. How I Feel like I can still make excuses For him. How it all feels like I'm falling apart when I'm at work or he's not around, and the second I see him I think I can't let him go. I tell myself as long as he isn't hitting me, things are good.

I used to think I was lucky to find the love of my life so early. Now I see that I may have been holding on to our image of happiness that I put on like it was a play.

Its not all him, nor will I call this an abusive relationship. Its very easy to blame a partner for our not being happy, especially if its been for many years. At some point you have to realize your own part and take responsibility for your own happiness.

Is it his fault you have gone along with his program for 13 years? If you spent as much time and energy making changes for yourself as you have languishing in your unhappy limbo, you would already be happy and not just having false hope and no action.

Simple truth is you have allowed his behavior for a long time and made no demand, and he has no consequences. Even you have to admit you have run out of excuses. Nice fantasy though but time to wake up and take responsibility.

I agree. It's difficult for me to admit to myself that I allowed myself to be tested like this for so long. I have just as many faults, but I think at this point I realize that I want to be a better person, and in order to do that, that might mean I can't be with him. I don't think we bring out the best in each other. I'm aware of the cycle of him making me unhappy makes him unhappy. And that my being unhappy makes it hard for me to motivate him, instead I appear negative and keep him unhappy with me. I may not be able to see all my faults, but I know I'm not innocent in all of this.

You seem to be in the middle of a very honest self evaluation, and I applaud you for that, and hope at some point you share that honesty with your partner of 13 years. It may not change him, but will inform him and that's the bottomline as you struggle with your decision, and follow through ACTION.

Let him struggle with his own decisions and actions, but make ure he has the FACTS of your feelings.

That's what I'm hoping to do. I have a hard time communicating with him sometimes. We don't have a similar communication style and I get tongue tied when I get nervous and never seem to make any sense of my thoughts. I'm non confrontational and always end up crying when I feel defensive, which is usually how I feel when I'm trying to tell him my feelings.

That's what I'm hoping to do. I have a hard time communicating with him sometimes. We don't have a similar communication style and I get tongue tied when I get nervous and never seem to make any sense of my thoughts. I'm non confrontational and always end up crying when I feel defensive, which is usually how I feel when I'm trying to tell him my feelings.
That's why it would be a good move to meet with a counselor a few times. You can do some role playing and work out the conversation you would have with your boyfriend. That will help you feel much more confident and strong.

Oh. That's smart. I'll try to make an appointment this week. I just want to know I've done all I can do before ending it.

Any thoughts on separation before full break up?

Any thoughts on separation before full break up?
How will he react?

If you plan to get counseling and try to save the relationship then I'd do a separation until you're 100% sure that it either can't be fixed, or it can.

If you know that this isn't fixable, that nothing you can say or do will make this situation tolerable, then why prolong the inevitable, just go for the full break up.

This really depends on where you see this all going. Right now I think you still have some hope that this can be fixed, despite 13 years of evidence to the contrary. But that's easy for us to say, we haven't lived the 13 years of this relationship. You have. There does come a time where advice is just that, it's not written in stone.

Remember that we give advice based on what you write, what you tell us. There's no way for you to paint a vivid enough picture of the last 13 years for us to be able to tell you exactly what you need to do. We can offer insight, we can offer suggestions, but ultimately it's you that has to figure out what path you're going to take next.

Also remember that we're only getting your side of things. He has been silent in all of this, and I'm sure his side of the story would differ from yours, it always does. Above all, if you care at all about salvaging this relationship, you need to talk to him, tell him how you're feeling, tell him that you're not happy, tell him what you plan to do about it, and listen to his suggestions to fix things as well. But do have a plan in place. For instance, if counseling is a must have for you, and he says no, then be prepared to end it. If his getting a job and helping out is a must have, set a time limit for him to accomplish that, and if he doesn't meet the deadline you have to be prepared to walk away.

You have to make plans, you have to set limits, and ultimately you need to take control of your life.

Umm, I feel like he would rather try that than give up right away. I work at a retirement home. All these people have been married for decades and makes me feel like there is so much more I can do before ending it. I'm about to get off work and go home to talk with my boyfriend, and I just wanted to know if it's a smart thing to suggest, and how it could help or make a situation worse.

Umm, I feel like he would rather try that than give up right away. I work at a retirement home. All these people have been married for decades and makes me feel like there is so much more I can do before ending it. I'm about to get off work and go home to talk with my boyfriend, and I just wanted to know if it's a smart thing to suggest, and how it could help or make a situation worse.
As I had said earlier, YOU go alone, if he won't go with. And, yes, I'd tell him that I'm doing the counseling even without him, to get my head on straight.

Thank you alty. As unhappy as I am, I know he is too. We've both made this relationship what it is and that's why I want to try a little harder. I have a few hard limits in place that am prepared to walk for.

Thank you alty. As unhappy as I am, I know he is too. We've both made this relationship what it is and that's why I want to try a little harder. I have a few hard limits in place that am prepared to walk for.

I think that's a good decision.

You've put 13 years into this relationship, no reason to give it up without a fight. But you do have to set boundaries, make a list of what you can continue to accept, what you want to fix, and what's a deal breaker, and then stick to that list, and don't be afraid to walk away if you can't be happy with what he's able to and willing to give you.